Caylie

Well, I've been out with Steve twice since the last time I posted here.  Life is great when we're out.  When we're not he's back to I don't really exist.  I wish he knew how much it hurts me. I wish I could make myself hate him. I wish I could meet someone new. Someone new to hang around.  That would be so great.

I saw Steve at work today.  Of course, that's how we met.  I do the taxes for the automotive shop he works for.  It wasn't as hard to see him as I thought it would be.  He kept trying to talk to me but I for the most part kept blowing him off.  Right before I left he looked me in the eyes and told me he loves me.  I told him I love him too then I turned and walked out the door.  My anger is alot less this week and I'm glad.  My rage had become so fueled I couldn't sleep and felt my heart racing all the time.  At least now I don't feel as I did. My sadness has lessened and I feel more resound. I met someone new threw this website in fact a few days ago and plan to meet him for dinner on Saturday.  I'm very excited about that.  I'm really amazed how much we have in common plus he's really good looking. That has made me way happier, for sure. I don't know if life is about fate or chances but often I'd like to think maybe it is fate the way things work out even if we don't understand the why's right then.

Life goes on, right? At least it does for me.  Each day I feel my love for Steve steadily dying away.  I also see he's more of a jackass than I realized.  I will find someone new and great and he'll still be a loser. We're still friends and I'll always be there for him but sheesh. I don't have time to waste. I feel strong again on the inside and I feel life returning to my soul.

Just starting this journal so we'll see how it goes. Me and Steve went to the renaissance Faire in Pensacola on Sunday.  It was such a perfect day.  He seemed so happy and more loving/affectionate than ever before.  He told me I was beautiful and put his arm around me alot.  The whole day I felt my heart break. I had already decided to end things with him the day before and it was killing me on the inside. On the way home, I told him we shouldn't see each other anymore.  He sorta agreed once and we didn't speak anymore. 5 minutes before we reached my house, my song to him came on and I busted out crying. Never in my life have I felt like I ripped out my own heart and stomped on it. I love him so much with all of my heart but I fear he'll never change. It is killing me knowing he has an online gf even if they will never meet.  I had become a monster over the past few weeks and was so full of anger, rage, and hurt. So now here I am 2 days later.  My rage and anger have totally died but my sadness is great. I wish I could just stop loving him like turning off a light.  I wish he'd fight to keep me but I know he won't.  He was my best friend and I miss him terribly. I feel dead on the inside.