CallMeB

I’m going to take hold of you, make you gasp.
I’m going to strip you and look deep inside you.
I’m going to invade you, but not violate you.
I’m not going to let you go, you can fight all you like.
I’m going to challenge you, push you as hard as I can.
I’m going to feast on you, feeding myself, tasting every bit of you.

Now I’ve finished with your mind, what next?

 

I see a primary responsibility rightly to protect my submissive to the best of my ability and to ensure her growth, for all Dominants that is a given in my eyes. Should it stop there?

In my opinion I have a wider responsibility than that to offer guidance and support to all members of our community, especially those new to the life. I am not talking about the traditional role of Mentor but just a friendly e mail firstly to welcome them to the life and also to signpost articles that hopefully will inform them of useful information on making good decisions and staying safe. I never make demands of them to read, they are adults and can choose to accept or reject my advice. If they then wish to seek my views then that is totally up to them.

What I am attempting to do is empower them, educate them in my own small way to assist in avoiding those less versed in the etiquette of D/s in whatever dynamic they choose to follow, those who under the mantle of Mentor or Protector have ulterior motives that are self serving. It amazes me how quickly these so call Mentors can win over the trust of less well informed new members. Unless you have previously known the person new to the life how on earth can you become their Mentor / Protector in a short time?

The answer to that in my mind is a simple one, they are not looking after the new members best interests at all, they are manipulating and controlling them in an attempt to isolate them so that hopefully in the not too distant future they can claim them for themselves. They are not Mentors they are simply control freaks.

Do not think for one moment I am trying to discredit the genuine Mentors and Protectors, far from it I am a great believer in a method of inducting members of this life. When done with the new members best interests genuinely at heart it is a wonderful way of supporting them during their transition through for many can be a difficult period of self acceptance. The real Mentors understand their role is to be an experienced and trusted adviser, they are selfless, open and honest freely sharing experiences and opinions, taking a genuine interest in the new member. They will evidence what they say, not just drawing on their experiences but also encouraging the new member to discover for them self whilst providing a supportive opinion.

There can be few restrains more symbolic that a set of handcuffs, the psychological aspects as well as the physical restrain as the cold metal swinging bar closes and the ratchet rasps locks in place. After all they are the tools used world wide for the initial taking of liberty, no wonder they are so often used in our lifestyle.

These simple but effective restrain devices are so popular because lets fact it they are so easy to use, you take hold of the wrist close them round, job done… or is it? How many submissives have complained they hurt, had numbness in the hands afterwards or visible marks they have had to hide from vanilla friends for days afterwards?

The fact of the matter is in all those cases there are two common factors:

1. They are toys not real handcuffs
2. They maybe either toy or real handcuffs incorrectly applied.

If you are going to introduce and use handcuffs in a scene then buy police style ones not novelty ones from the local sex shop that has pink fur on, sorry girls they may look pretty but that is all!

The police style handcuff is build for the purpose of restraining the hands and has several safety features built in. Firstly they are designed to fit correctly irrespective of the size of the persons wrist and secondly they have a double lock for safety to stop them tightening once applied.

Handcuffs should be applied below the wrist bone, between there and where the hand starts, NEVER on the bone, they should be applied tightly enough to prevent them riding up over the wrist bone but you should be able to slide your little finger between the bracelet and skin. The locks should be facing outwards to allow for easy removal.

NEVER handcuff behind the back and then lay the submissive on their backs, this will certainly lead to discomfort at best and an increased risk of nerve damage caused by direct pressure from the bracelet.

If handcuffs are to be used the ensure that the keys are present, not just one key but another positioned where the submissive can reach. Think through the “what ifs”.

What if the Dominant faints or worse how can the submissive free themselves?
What if the submissive suffers a panic attack and the key is not available?
What if the first key breaks or gets lost?

Even correctly applied handcuffs may leave slight red marks but these will fade after a couple of hours.

This article is written by and copywrited to a very respected Dom Dr Spankenstein and I wish to credit this to him.

In the article he highlights that up to 95% of men claiming to be Doms are not! In an effort to keep others safe he created the Acid Test For True Dominants which I have reproduced below.

I urge all of you to read it... we all have a responsibility for safety.
Use the article as a reference document and refer to it continually. I know it is long but may well keep you safe.

The term "Acid Test" is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the "Acid Test" was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the "fool's" variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either. There is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible before you even meet in person.

Now most of these tests are designed for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after "easy sex" and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

Step One: Do the Math

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of real (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM-oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 "Doms" you see online have to be fakes. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: "When in doubt, throw it out!"

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That's hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they "vanilla" or otherwise. So don't be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. But don't waste your time either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don't give him "three strikes" or "extra chances to win." Block out his screen name and move on. There was only a one-in-twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

Step Two: Know Your Enemy

We call them Snerts. We call them HNGs (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your enemy. Don't bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well-meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Real BDSM is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he's not a Dom, he's not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don't need, like medical bills and other assorted headaches.
Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply sexually promiscuous. Nothing could be further from the truth, but that doesn't deter them at all. They are typically middle-aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand, or at least emphasize, sexual intercourse being a part of their "scenes."

HNGs are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the "scenes" they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the lingo. They are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer "online collars", and spend hours on end in chat rooms "playing" with their "subbies." Don't waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call "controlling personalities." They are basically obsessed with control of everything around them, especially the people in their lives. They want all their family, friends, and even coworkers to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves "naturally" attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so "in command" of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the opposite of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about "taking care of you" and also "knowing what's best for you." They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 BDSM relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the "mental aspect" of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you, it's very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is never make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good safety net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all, take your time getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you're more likely to have a good time with him, because you will feel more comfortable during that first scene. Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a "Dom" you have been talking too suddenly seems to lose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don't go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play "hard to get."

Step 3: Know Your Goal!

Take the time to figure out what you want. It's often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. So arm yourself with knowledge! There are many fine publications, books, and InterNet Websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a safety net. Learn all the dos and don'ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that it's your ass (literally) that's on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you are in control the rest of the time. You are strong! It's likely you're even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It's a very personal thing to you!

Well, guess what? Sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are often strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight true sexual Dominant. We like being in control in intimate situations. It's a respite from the way we live our everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the "puzzle piece" that fits next to you snugly. In other words, don't look for a Dom that's exactly like you. You won't find him. Don't look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; He doesn't exist.

Above all, if your prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you're likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A real Dominant isn't likely to make "demands" until its time to play.

Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!

Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don't waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he's not going to be fun to play with.
Test #2: "You'd better call me Sir!" is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like "Please, call me Mike..."
Test #3: "I want you to take my collar before you play with me." This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole "cyber-collar" is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.
Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like "On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]" This person is an HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that's not even polite? There's a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn't online!
Test #5: "I don't have to answer that question!" or "It's not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that." These are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It's literally your ass that's on the line! Never forget this!
Test #6: "It's my way or the highway!" or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have limits too, but it's your limits that count FIRST. Don't let any would-be "Dom" tell you differently. Don't let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/fem sub play is concerned, it's always lady's choice!
Test #7: Don't bother with online collars. Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It's a very simple test if you think about it: Would a real-life Dominant waste much time on cyber sex and cyber domination? Please take my word for it; The answer is no. Forget it, once you've done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.
Test #8: Ask your prospect if he's ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he says "no," run for your life! If he says, "very rarely," at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom in the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this plaNet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.
Test #9: "I'm a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire... yadda yadda yadda.]" Wouldn't it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; If this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he's likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!
Test #10: "I'm 33 years old, and I've been a Master for 15 years." Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom's level of experience (and it's a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don't care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18-year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?
Test #11: Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be "very experienced." Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNGs have female screen-names set up to act as "references" for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it's considered rude to talk to a guy's ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM scene it's the opposite; experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.
Test #12: "I have three real-life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them." OK, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triads) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the scene. But these couples were looking together. If a "Dom" has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!
Test #13: "I don't need safewords." Well of course he doesn't! If he said this he's likely a snert and therefore he's never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?
Test #14: "My slaves trust me to set their limits for them." If you hear a "Dom" say this it's most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his "slave" is simply the victim of spousal abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.
Test #15: "I'm married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to explain this one to you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.
Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here: You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

Step 5: It's Not Just The Men You Have To Screen!

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea, especially if they are experienced players. They can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are a sub or bottom man (or woman) in search of a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives, too. There are a great number of female HNGs who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of "female enemy" is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A victim is just that: a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only "real BDSM." They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It's not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

In Closing

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick "cyber only" in your profile and BDSM? Why not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason: When it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like "sex magic," but now that I know the "spells," I'm an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any first-year student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers, too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don't forget to bring your Acid Tests, too!

Many members of this life get confused between discipline and punishment in my opinion, they should never be confused as they are two totally different things albeit a lack of discipline can lead to punishment.

Look at the definition of discipline and it becomes clearer:

Noun - the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behaviour, using punishment to correct disobedience.

The link between discipline and punishment is clear; the punishment is a consequence of a lack of discipline. I am not a big fan of the word training as for me it means a lack of skills but for the purpose of this entry will use it rather than argue the semantics of words.

Most see it as the Dominants responsibility to maintain discipline within a D/s relationship, I disagree with this, it is the responsibility of both involved. There is no point what so ever in the Dominant attempting to train the submissive in a code of behaviour unless the submissive is receptive to the principles therefore it is important that both take ownership of discipline.

Before it is commenced it requires discussion free from repercussions to be successful. The Dominant should define what is the end result whether this be a life change for weight loss, smoking cessation, fitness or indeed sexual skills. More than one area will usually be involved and each of the points needs to be covered within the training. See my journal Task Setting (below) for how tasks can be structured. This discussion should be done in the formative stages of a relationship.

To maintain discipline the Dominant has to lead by example, there is nothing worse for the submissive than it being a case of do as I say not as I do, as an example if fitness is the aspect then the Dominant should also be fit. This is not only inspirational but it gives the Dominant an ideal opportunity to monitor compliance and maintain discipline.

Maintaining discipline is an important and necessary aspect to ensure that the submissive does not wander from the agreed path, how this is done is a matter of personal opinion however I am of the school of thought that it should be reasonable and proportionate to the infringement. Often a look, raised eyebrow or quiet but firmly spoken word is sufficient to correct minor slips especially early on. Be mindful that it takes 30 days to train out something that is habitual and also equally important remember that the submissive is desperate to please so the impact of over stating or jumping too quickly to punishment has a multiplied negative affect on the submissive.

Be aware of the “halo and horns” principle, if you are going to correct behaviour that is detrimental you must also praise positive compliance in equal measure. There is nothing more rewards than a simple phrase such as “good girl/boy” or “well done” and nothing more demotivating than continual negative comments. The positive impact of recognition cannot be overstated; it will inspire the submissive to achieve more.

Punishment should NEVER be confused with play, it is something that the submissive should strive to avoid and the Dominant should make it perfectly clear that it is punishment and for what act or omission it is being administered. The is no point in using pain punishment on a masochist, this is counter productive due to the pleasure derived from it, you are actually rewarding poor behaviour!

Ignoring in my opinion is counter productive totally, it sends the wrong message and that is "I cannot deal with what has happened / do not know how to correct it". It can lead to confusion in the submissive who may or may not know what they have done wrong.

A period of directed quiet reflection is totally different, where the Dominant has explained what disobedience has occurred and has directed the submissive to quietly reflect and then explain why it occurred. This firstly allows the submissive to play an active part (as it was their actions that caused it usually), secondly it facilitates the opening of dialogue and reflection where ownership of the issue can be established and resolution found.

Many members are involved in distance relationships on here for whatever reason, I appreciate that for the members that are more experienced this blog may not be applicable but I want to write about the setting and more important the management of tasks.

What is the purpose of setting a task?

The primary reason for setting a task is to allow the submissive to grow in general or specific areas of their submission. It should have a defined outcome: it should have value and it should have purpose. These should be communicated clearly to the submissive so they understand.

How do I set a task?

This is the most important factor, what the task is does not matter one jot, that is between the Dominant and submissive to decide on, I am not here to write out a list of tasks.

I use a well used mnemonic from business objective setting, so from now on when setting tasks I want you to think SMART. No I’m not insulting your intelligence, that is the mnemonic.

SMART

S = Specific
M = Measurable
A = Attainable
R = Realistic
T = Time bound

Specific – The task must be clear, not confusing and defines very clearly what is expected and why the task is being done.

Measurable – How the successful completion of the task going to be evaluated.

Attainable – This can be where it is steps toward a final goal that needs more than one step to attain it.

Realistic - It has to be within the capabilities of the submissive to successfully complete, there is no point in setting any task in order to set the submissive up to fail. It is pointless, undermines confidence and self belief and creates barriers that will then need managing.

Time Bound – How long the task is for or when it has to be completed by. Be mindful of this one as it is important to be realistic with the time allowed. There is no point in giving to short a time frame as the task will fail because of a lack of time. By the same token too much time given can detract from the importance of the task, make it seem trivial or unimportant to the submissive.

In this example I am going to use a task related to anal training is it is a common non gender specific task that is frequently set. Please remember that it can be applied to any task.

How many of you have either set or been given the task of anal training where the task is:

“I want you to wear a butt plug tomorrow.”

Let us now look closely at that task being mindful of SMART.

Is it Specific? “The task must be clear, not confusing and defines very clearly what is expected.”
No it is not for this reason, which butt plug, the small, medium or large one? The dominant HAS TO specify or it can lead to confusion.

Is it Measurable? “How the successful completion of the task going to be evaluated.”
Think about how you are going to measure its success. I m not going to tell you how, that is for yourselves to decide however maybe photographs with time and date on? Easy to do these days with digital photography, skype and cell phones.

Is it Attainable? “This can be where it is steps toward a final goal that needs more than one step to attain it.”
There is little point in setting a task for a novice submissive in anal play to wear a butt plug say in an important work meeting or for long periods of time whilst visiting relatives!

Is it Realistic? “It has to be within the capabilities of the submissive to successfully complete”.
There is no point in buying a novice submissive a set of three training plugs and then setting the first task to wear the largest plug on day one.

Is it Time Bound? “How long the task is for or when it has to be completed by. “
This one speaks for itself in the above example, there is no indication of how long for and between what hours the task has to be done by.

The SMART task would be something like:

“To progress your anal training you will wear the medium butt plug for 30 minutes between 2pm and 4pm and send me 3 photographs at 10 minute intervals, one on insertion, one half way through and one just before its removal using your digital camera with the date and time set correctly.”

Remember Be SMART, its worth it.

All of the dominants who I respect and call friends have traits in common and these are never compromised whilst interacting with others irrespective of how they choose to label themselves. These traits are also apparent when I have met them off line face to face. To my way of thinking it is these traits that make them genuine and worthy friends and moreover valued members of this community.

Profiles are so important as it is this that gives others their first impression of the member. Their profiles are real, reflective of them as people, they have real pictures on, some choose not to show their face due to the positions in the workplace they hold but irrespective of this their profile is well written, informative, welcoming and fully completed. No “prefer no to say” sections and their likes well defined giving clarity to the reader and defining them clearly.

What are the traits I have mentioned above?

1.Courtesy - They have politeness and good manners in the traditional sense of the word and will show this to all they communicate with whether via e mail or within chat rooms.

2.Respect – They will always be respectful in their approaches, showing an appreciation of the other and being mindful of how their communication is perceived.

3.Honesty – They will be totally honest in how they communicate, ask a question they will answer it in a detailed way, there will be nothing vague. They will tell you their thoughts when required.

4.Integrity – They will be consistent in their interactions with you, you will always know where you stand. There is no hidden agenda.

5.Confident – Do not confuse confidence with arrogance, they know and understand themselves in all aspects of their life. They will not be boastful but will give their opinions specially when asked.

6.Selfless – They will want to know about you rather than telling you about themselves. They will have provided the majority of information for early communication on their profiles so have no need to talk about themselves unless you ask when they will be happy to provide the additional details.

7.Unassuming – They do not make a big issue over things, their focus is on the girl not themselves. They have no need of causing or being part of any drama, they will state their opinion and qualify it where and when needed.

8.Knowledgeable – I nearly wrote intelligent or educated but settled on knowledgeable as it is more fitting and easier for me to qualify. They understand what a submissive needs, understand the deeper cerebral aspects of D/s, understand it is not just about sex and certainly understand that it is the submissive that holds the power within a D/s relationship and that she chooses to give it freely.

9.Assertive – There is a power in how they communicate, it holds the readers attention, makes them want to know more, peeks the interest. It is this that gets them noticed, makes them stand out. Not the posturing, aggressive, crass and down right obscene ranting that some mistake for overt misguided displays of dominance.

10.Chivalrous – (adj) (of a man or his behavior) courteous and gallant, especially towards women. They do challenge inappropriate behavior, make no apology for doing so and will always do so.

In short they are consummate gentlemen, this is first and foremost and their dominance is an enhancement to this, an important part of the greater whole person. They see their submissive as their most treasured possession, one to cherish and nurture, one to guide and allow to be the best they can be under their dominance. They do not just see the girl as she is but see how she will become. They see her as the yin to their yang.

They inspire submission not demand it. As a submissive is this not what you have a right to expect?

I hope so!

Don't Abuse

 

Over and over I read one word in profiles that makes me sad and disappointed, it leaves me hoping that it has been incorrectly used and certainly not meant by the writer.

Abuse - treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly:

It is a verb, something that is done and it has no place in any D/s life. The underpinning principle of any relationship is that any act is consensual ergo wanted or needed by the person receiving it and just as importantly given freely by the dominant. There is a gulf of difference between hard play and abuse and a good dominant knows the difference and will correct the misuse of the word abuse.

The masochist desires and needs their pain, this does not make them abused as the degree and frequency has been discussed and agreed with their dominant. Their limits are agreed and respected, yes they may well change over time and dependent on their needs and moods but irrespective of the degree of application this is not abuse because it is them who own their limits.

The No Limits submissive does have limits however the important factor is that they have the confidence and trust in their dominant to accept imposed limits and have passed totally the authority for decision making over to their dominant. This can only be achieved in a matured stable D/s relationship where trust is absolute. The Dominant is always in control of their emotions, totally focused and never angry when participating in impact play.

Experienced members of the life understand that limits are fluid, change according to mood and need, the submissive understand the dominants needs as much as the dominant understands the submissives, it is the yin and yang of a totally fulfilling union.

Its hard consensual use not abuse.

No matter what it is that you want to change in your life often you have to accept that for a time there will be a degree of pain and heartache. After all change is driven by a desire to alter, move forwards, this means leaving other things behind. In many cases this hurts because whilst you need to change if others are involved they may not want to change with you, this is the worst pain of all.

 Its like breaking in a new pair of shoes, you know the old shoes are not up to the job, they leak but they are so comfortable you put up with damp feet. Deep down you know you need to change to new shoes but also that the shoes will hurt for a short period of time.

 Entering this life can be a similar feeling, there is pain and especially if you have or are involved in a vanilla relationship, there is something comfortable about your life but you have that damp feeling as it is leaking, just like the shoes. So what do you do? You have two choices, you either repair the shoes, make them as good as you can or you throw them out and suffer the pain of breaking in new shoes.

 If you choose the repair the shoes then don’t go shopping for new ones, accept that the old shoes are the best option. Basically this means you are walking away from this life, accepting that you are not going to follow what you wanted, needed, there is no compromises, you are accepting that it is just a fantasy, a dream. You are then going to suffer the damp feet for you will never change the leaking shoes and as many times as you repair them they will eventually leak again. The repair may last a few months or even if you are lucky a year or so but the leaks will return and be worse than ever.

If you decide to buy the new shoes then you throw out the old shoes and suffer the pain of breaking them in. Yes it hurts and sometimes hurts like hell but this pain is short lived. Deep down you know that the old shoes were past it, not up to the job. You also know that once the new shoes are broken in they will do the job better than the old ones. Basically they are a “better fit” for you.

 Only you can make the decision, long term discomfort from leaking shoes or short term pain from breaking the new shoes in. Accept your life as it is or change it and suffer the pain.

 One thing is for sure continually wanting to change your life and not doing what is right for you is far more painful in the long term.

 Be true to yourself.