cagedfaith

There's a thread on another site under Masters and Slaves Uncensored about CNC (consensual non-consent) and the use of force.  umm, yes, that pretty much covers everything.

i probably should come with a warning label.  i am not the best slave. And it's honestly not for lack of trying or being a brat or testing You, and i want to be a good girl  But unless You are extremely consistent and patient, i may just end up annoying the hell out of You because i tend to fail at the very simple tasks, again and again.  Not the major ones.  Sometimes i guess i just don't think or i think about too much stuff or the newest passing interest or frankly whatever.  But it definitely gets me into trouble.

It has come to my attention that my journal has been kind of "dark" as of late. Although i think i'm probably on the more harsher end of things,i truly do love what we do, and i still believe in that seriously depraved M/s situation with some vanilla ideals (love, picket fence stuff) mixed in that can make it truly long term and grounded.  It certainly is not just a doom-and-gloom kind of thing.

"your place is kneeling at My feet with My cock in your mouth.  you've spent

many happy hours doing that and your soul was at peace."

It is true.  i do find peace in slavery.  It quiets my mind.

Okay.  i'll try to tackle humiliation.  It's pretty hard, so i'll just give some examples:

Before punishing me, having me masturbate in front of You, knowing how sorry i am and wanting You to forgive me and fearing the punishment to come, fully aware of how little i deserve it, and yet being totally unable to stop myself from cumming because, as You say, i'm such a hungry fucking cunt.

All the innumerable nasty things we do:  rimming, having me lick Your armpits, suck on Your toes, fuck your foot, and drink Your piss.

Having me service another female or get fucked in the ass with a strap-on, knowing full well i am not the least bit bi and certainly would not be freely submitting to another woman.

Every once in a while i need to be "abused" by my Master, for lack of a better word.  i realize that is not the best choice of words for what it is we do.  Although i want to obey and please Him, i sometimes fail.  But the real need comes from the fact that i thrive as a slave and grow in a place of fear.  Every so often, i need to be beaten so badly that i can't go out in public for days.  It teaches me my place, and for some odd reason it shows me He cares.  This has nothing to do with "play" floggings, etc.  Beaten.

But at the same time, if one is seeking a complete TPE, the real fear is always of atracting a psychopath.  i certainly don't want to end up looking like Hedda Nussbaum.  So question, how do you avoid that?  i already look out for signs of anger, but there are some very controlled psychopaths.

Someone asked me what i consider to be ification. Honestly, i'm not much a romantic.  But as much as i need to be used and brutally beaten 

by my Master, at the same time i also need love and a deep connection with my Master. 

I honestly have found nothing more intense and allowing for that than what we do. 

So when i refer to ification it is not a total ification or dehumanization.  i guess it's more in a sexual nature, being seen as three holes and a cum bucket. Perhaps His punching bag.  But being viewed as just a thing, with total emotional detachment, either positive or negative, would make me extremely empty.

Okay.  Next i'll try to tackle humiliation.

Any doms out there involved in animal rescue or animal advocacy?  ALF? If so and you're also a sadistic, micro-managing mofo, we would be extremely compatible.

I've read about it, but up until this last few weeks I don't think I ever experienced it: sublust. Or perhaps this isn't even the right phrase because "sublust" seems to carry with it so many negative connotations, indicating one who acts out of desperation or perhaps throwing any ideals out the window, which is not the case.  But the feeling is quite similar.

It has nothing to do with the more physical aspects of BDSM, since over the past year, honestly (and sadly) I've gotten really good using insertables, the hitachi, clover clamps, and my imagination. hehe, i admit it, appreciation for anal has skyrocketed -- the sensations are so opposing - the slight pain, huge discomfort, and pleasure. And the side of a couch works really well for keeping stuff in deep, somewhat simulating forced impalement. Although the Doc Johnson Vac-u-Lock E-Z Rider Ball looks like it might even be better.

And it's probably pretty weird to talk about masturbation. But in all honestly, strangely, it's something i never did before and only started at the direction of the first dominant i was with, and it never ceases to blow my mind, how awesome it can be.

But what is missing at the end is:
Thank you, Master, for making me take it.
or
Thank you, Master, for hurting me.
or
Thank you, Master, for using me (in any way you see fit, so completely).
or simply,

Thank you, Master.

I really do miss ownership. The dominance and control, discipline and order, feelings of safety, and feelings of love, honor, respect, awe.  And direction. eek! I'm all over the place. Okay, and yes, a really good physical "urban cowboy" kind of beating and a feeling of my Master's strength and pure masculinity, and perhaps that little twinge of fear.

So after this rash of weekend/early week transcripts, i really need to update this profile and be a little more clear -- hehe, okay, a lot more clear about what it is i'm actually seeking in a Master, family, and in life. Who knows, there might be that one intelligent, sadistic dominant out there who really wants the same things in life. That would be really nice. I only need one. :)

....However, sometimes it is a little hard to explain some things to someone who has just read Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl, by Sherry Argov, which basically explains "that being nice to your man won't make him more devoted" and a chapter called The Candy Store, "the art of giving sex away 'one jujubbee at a time' and don't forget, trying to hard to please your man is a turn-off.

Now, we all make mistakes, but I'm (hopefully) getting a little better at reading a good Dom from a fake. And there are fakes out there.   But you know what?  I know you are just testing out the lifestyle,  and I really understand that you want him to come to you to show that he really cares and wants you, but those kinds of games are really kind of petty and kind of a waste of time.  Respect and closeness are defined and shown so differently here. 

So just a few suggestions, if you really want to try it, just to see if you like it:

1.  Ask him what pleases him or to train you to please him.  It makes things a whole lot easier, especially for people like you and i (neurotic NY women?), who worry about a lot of little things anyway.  Relax and give it a chance.  And yes, it kind of does take a little bit -- or a lot of trust.  But if you bring the above "vanilla" worries into it, it's just going to kill it before it begins.  hehe, and we have our own set of problems anyway. 

2.  Now, this one seriously only applies to safe, trustworthy dominants!  

You know, if you been talking to this Dominant for weeks, have met,  trust him, and that tension and excitement is so increadably high, and you've exchanged all the important vitals, i.e. you actually know his first and last name, phone number and address -- trust goes both ways --  it's kind of okay to see where it goes.  He's not going to dump you just because he "fucked" you.  Umm, that's kind of easy. There's enough play partners available for the taking.  So I probably wouldn't worry so much about the, hmm, "first or third date v. first or third base" conundrum.  If the chemistry is there and he's indicated that he wants to train you, he thinks you can please him, it would be kind of silly to "throw you out" because he's gotten a quick fuck.  And a lot of time being his slut or whore is kind of a goal. 

3.  And some Dominants may totally disagree with this statement, but allow him to be a Master.  It is so much part of the yin/yang, male/female thing.  Allow him to be a Master.

One of my good friends from New York (going back to the teenage years) is getting pretty interested in the lifestyle, and she definitely is a natural submissive.

I gave her the profile name of one of the Dominants in her area that i've corresponded with in the past and met casually while he was on a business trip to AZ.  He was a perfect gentleman and displayed the quiet telltale signs of a dominant.  And they've started corresponding, and it's going really well.  He is extremely knowledgable, really patient, and  not at all scary for the uninitiated :).  And there seems to be some definite  interest going on between them.  And with her being so new, it's just so sweet to watch.

And i kind of like being able to share with her the aspects of what i find so amazing and love about our lifestyle and relationships (and yes, sometimes vent a little about things that haven't worked out quite as well), when before it was just kind of weird. 

And the questions she comes up with are seriously kind of cute;                               
e.g. "What does this mean:  Everything 'domestic' is a - necessary - form of foreplay"? 

I just love trying to explain stuff like that to her.  :)

k and I have started hiking, and although it is killing me, getting up so early, it is so incredibly pretty and calming.  And what is so  surprising is that it's in the middle of the sprawl of the Greater Phoenix/Scottsdale/Tempe metropolitan area.  It's getting way to crowded and is nothing like a real city, with the neighborhoods, culture, places to walk or see, anything really.

So after doing a depo about some of the ranch land in Southern Arizona, I found myself checking out places there. I figure if I could live anyplace that has internet, why not live somewhere really beautiful.
 
One place, for some reason, has caught my eye, Hereford, AZ. And I know that there are a lot of places empty because of the economy, so I was wondering if anyone lives in that area (Tucson, Bisbee, Sierra Vista), it would be great if you could give me a  heads-up if something becomes available in Hereford for rent (reasonable or possible rent to own).   I'm hoping it's on a lot of at least 3/4's of an acre or larger. I imagine the wildlife and sunsets are gorgeous. It would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks!  :)

Best creepy e-mail received to date:

hi faith. great picture. 'Creamy' is the word which first comes to mynd. would you be, could you be, my neighbor?

hehe, scary possibility.  And "creamy" is just ....  well, ickk!  :)

One of the last gifts Master gave me was an njoy.  It is really quite beautiful to look at - the pure curves, the simplicity, and look, weight and feel of the steel.    

Now, I have never been a big fan of masturbation, preferring the loss of control at the hands of my Master. But today I took out the Hitachi, the njoy, and an anal plug. Initially, I thought I would be titling this entry ?no joy with njoy,? but it did actually accomplish what it was meant to.

What I found is that if I start with just an anal plug and the Hitachi, rubbing the Hitachi back and forth gently over the opening, my pussy begins to feels so empty, my muscles start to clench, longing to feel something to hold on to, and then when it is entered, satisfied, it just takes a few minutes. It also helps thinking of my Master telling me what a little slut I am, ordering me to open up and hold myself in position, sternly advising me not to tilt my pelvis under, or else he will not fill my holes up completely, which he knows I love. 

Master told me he loved me and then he left the States two weeks later. And although I am certain it was said with best intentions, (as my past Master was an admirably honest dominant) I just could not wait out the time, fearing that the promise to be in Australia in a year, was, nonetheless, an empty one, or perhaps just fearing our time apart, and feeling left alone in the world. But most likely, it is just the improbability of actually moving to Australia.

Australia is so beautiful, and we could probably get a place close to the beach, outside of Melbourne. It is more Americanized than European, it reminds me so much of how New York used to be with the population diversity, and it is the only place in the world which is self-sufficient in terms of food supply. And let's be for real, Australia is probably the only place in the world which will survive in the case there is ever a WWIII, if the ozone issue doesn?t get to them first.

But although Australia does seem to be an incredibly great place to live, the hardship of transporting the cats and having them quarantined for a month, especially for the two older ones, and being so far from family and friends, makes it, in all honesty, impossibility.

Now, I?m not going to go into a diatribe about pain, loss and love, and broken hearts, the meaningless of life, or quoting some forlorn, sappy love song like Nothing Compares to You, although the lines ?I could put my arms around every boy I see, but they'd only remind me of you.? seem so incredibly appropriate.

In my last post, I was wrong when I said the me and the last Dom had not ?clicked.? I don?t think the timing was right; we never really had a chance, as I had not yet gotten over my Master. So this time, I am not going to make that mistake. I am not going to look for a new Master until I am completely over this and over the problems with starting a new business, so I can actually give everything to someone else, and have the time to devote to actual train to please them.

The one thing, though, is the play thing is not for me. I was recently trying to explain it to a friend involved in the scene here. The reason I do not play is that I need that connection between Master and slave, to be hurt and used completely by my Master, the one that I honor, trust, and love, and who can put me in that submissive headspace by his mere
presence.

He then said that he could teach me how to get into that headspace with a play partner.
I politely declined.  Why would I possibly ever want to change that? I love that dynamic and interaction between Master and slave, the specialness and closeness and connection. Which is also why I will never give up on BDSM. It will always be part of my life.

It?s just that right now, I need a little break.

Divorce:

Posted: 2002-02-25

My Husband

To die one thousand slow deaths every time I see you. To feel an ache in my heart with every dinner we cook together, with every joke we share, with every private memory. Like yesterday evening, on the bed together with the dogs, brushing them (Ari was always your favorite, sometimes I think you love her more than me) and joking that we better brush them quick before the grooming lady comes on Thursday, and says we?re unfit. Did you just call me Ike's Mommy? You, hating the names I pick out for our future children: right now the forerunner is Tuesday for a girl, and Gabriel for a boy (and you picking out the most horrible names from your characters on Asheron?s Call). Eleven years is a long time.

But you are so vanilla. And there is nothing wrong with vanilla. I just need more. You tried, but causing me pain is your hard limit. Each attempt failed miserably. Like trying to whip me while one of the cats kept grabbing at the whip on the other end, thinking you were playing with them. Spanking me but then beginning to laugh. At first I laughed with you, but then became sad when I realized you were laughing at me. I gave you the cold shoulder the entire next day, until you came over and hugged me, trying to make everything better.

I wish I was single right now. I wish I didn?t love you. I wish I never said the words ?I do? three years ago in Vegas. Words which I mean now, just as I promised then. That way our life wouldn?t be so f**ked up, and I would not have the ability to hurt you so much if you ever found out. Apparently hurting you is not one of my hard limits.

hehe, ok the first line was pretty cheesy, but the rest isn't too bad. Hey, it was my one and only try at some kind of free form poetry. Sadly, soon after that was written, we did "seperate" and I have spent the last four years on the couch.

I'm pretty tired right now and it's been a really long week. Tonight I finally took a break and went to a hands-on demonstration with fire and cupping. It was really good to get out socially. Cupping is interesting, but I was suprised that I really like the fire play. I can see how it could be highly sensual. The coolness of the alcohol on your skin, the heat of the fire, and his hand directing the flame. A special thanks to my practice partner.

School ends next weeks, so I've been doing some stuff for class, but mostly I've been working pretty much all week on the website, and it is almost finished but now I found out the I can't make FTP subdomains because I'm using Windows instead of Linux (and I have no clue why that is). I really need them to transfer the audiosync files from the clients. That was the main purpose of getting a website. Now I have no idea of what I'm supposed to do!

And on Monday my divorce was finalized. Actually it feels like nothing has really changed on that end. We are still roomates for the time being, and overall, we still get along pretty well. There's just nothing romantic between us. We probably should never have gotten married in the first place.

I've been trying to detach myself a little from Master, so he's been giving me some space. It is so much different than the last time. I am in such a better head space, and I knew this was coming, but it is still pretty hard.

That's about it. Hope everyone has a great week.                                                                     
11/19/06

Okay. Now I?m slightly pissed. I just found out that Trans-Siberian Orchestra was in Glendale last week. I would have really liked to see them. I used to play the flute and went to Music and Art High School in NY (you know, the movie "Fame" school). I have always loved the way it felt when we were on stage and all the instruments came together. Quite amazing.

I have written about the ways I have changed and grown as a slave in the last year. But there are so many ways in which I have not changed and probably never will. It is interesting how some initial training becomes so much a part of who you are.

I still love being owned. Although a masochist, I need my pain with ownership. On the same token, I have never really considered what we do as scening or play. I love being used in every possible way, and to be hurt and humiliated by my Master. I love being marked by Him, and look at my marks or run my fingers over them often, as a reminder. My preferred place will always be at my Master?s feet, kneeling or sitting with my face gently pressed against his leg.

And because I submit completely and worship my Master, he must be someone that I respect, honor, and trust.

I also look to my Master for structure and calm. I desire to be disciplined when I have displeased him, so that I can learn to please him better in the future.

I have few limits and I still (right or wrong) do not have a safeword. It is not in my psyche and a safeword is just something I don't even think about or consider. Now, that is not to say I have never struggled or pleaded sometimes. But it is my Master who chooses how to proceed.

Lastly, I am strong, and love feeling my Master?s strength, so I will always prefer the hand, belt, or an old fashioned beating to any of the more exotic ?toys? available (electricity, needles, etc.). This will never change.

11/12/06

Punishment

In the last year, I have become a much better slave. I have never given my current Master any serious cause to punish me before yesterday, except for one minor infraction early on.

For the first time since we began, I failed him. I really needed to get some specific work done, and he had set aside time from his busy schedule to look over what I had done. But there is so much going on in other parts of my life that it was started quite late. However, one of things my Master is teaching me is how to prioritize and make the most of my time. Now even though I was up until 5:30 in the morning trying to finish it, I could not complete it.

And i remember the feeling that came over me - first of being so disappointed in myself for having failed him, and then, even though i was ready to accept any punishment he deemed necessary, being filled with such an incredible dread.

And this had once been such a very common feeling a while back. In an earlier BDSM relationship, during the last year i was almost always being harshly punished. And I did deserve it. But now I have come to believe that if there such a need for constant punishment, obviously something is not working and the D/s aspect should be terminated. At one point it just becomes cruel.

Interestingly, the one thing I did not feel this time was that my Master needed to beat me to a pulp just so he could forgive me.

11/08/06

I really should be asleep, but I'm so happy, I was just speaking to Master. He is back in the States. Yay! But he is in California, so I won't be seeing him until Friday. I've missed him so much.

I filled him in on my day at the Kink Karnival. It was the first year I've gone and I actually had a lot of fun. I'm really not that social at all and pretty damn shy, but I volunteered to give out drink and food tickets, so it was easy to break the ice and speak to everyone. I saw some people who I hadn't seen for a years, and everyone else, especially the group from DD seemed really nice. I hope I get to Tucson one of these days.

At the Kink Karnival, I talked in depth to a person who is well known for his cuttings from California. I have some very faint scars along my chest of the letters "WHORE". They are very faint, and unless you really look, they really aren't that noticeable. But I always see them, and they are a few years old, so they are never going away. We discussed the possibility of doing some cutting over it, using the outlines, and he had some really neat ideas. I think Master would like a geisha. But because it is so high up, it would be noticeable, so it's something we really need to discuss.

:) I am trying to break myself of the habit of writing lowercase "i's" and uppercase "H's". I never liked the We/we or Our/our thing, but I did like the other, as a sign of respect. But since scoping deals with a lot of editing I need to break myself of the habit. And I didn't realize how engrained it is in my mind because I have to keep going back to change each one.

Anyway, I hope Master is having a really good sleep. He deserves it. Good night.

At the end of the week, i did go to the rope hands-on workshop for R and k, and it was a lot of fun. All three of us are pretty much beginners with rope. But they practiced on me, and did such an awesome job. i?ve uploaded a few pictures, even though they are not the greatest because they were taken on the cellphone. i am looking forward to the next demonstration, which i think will be needles.

10/11/06
Master prefers me naked, so when i come over one of the first things i do is get totally undressed. Since our trip to the clothing optional beach, i prefer it also.

This time i brought a short, pleated skirt with me to show Master. i don't have a top to go with it yet, but i tried it on, bending slightly forward, first hiking it up just a little to show the beginning curves of my butt, but then lifting it up showing my bare buttocks for the perfect naughty schoolgirl affect. And of course Master came over to spank me, first with His hand and then with the paddle.

And then over to the leather ottoman - with my legs on both sides and having my pelvis propped up high by three pillows, sucking on my snuff gag. Master begins by alternating between the paddle and then the leather strap, sometimes concentrating on my pussy and a-hole areas, which is pretty painful. He then whipped me with a nylon cane. i start to make these strange guttural sounds, and become so wet.

He cups my pussy with His hand, which makes feel like such a baby for some reason, but i love when His hand is down between my legs. i start to rub against His hand. He then lightly runs His fingers over my welts, which are still stinging, and then slaps His body hard against them while fucking both my holes. As He uses me fully, my knees press hard against both sides of the ottoman, which is preventing me from closing them. i rotate my pelvis towards Him, as He first fists me and then fills me so completely with the toys i love. He then uses the Hitachi on my clit and right near my filled hole so the vibrations hit my g-spot. Total sensory overload, and then that cold feeling comes over me, as i let go, and i seem to shudder for minutes as i cum. And then i thank Him.

Later, He uses me as His toilet, and pees in my mouth. i am still getting used to the taste, but i have gotten much better at it. The trick is taking Him down deep and swallowing quickly. i love when He uses me this way.

Master and i had a talk, and He agreed to allow me to start attending some of the Phoenix BDSM activities, if time ever permits. It sucks that i'm so busy right now, checking out all the resources available re small businesses, websites, etc. i am not looking for another Master or a play partner, just friends to slowly get back into the lifestyle community and meet people, even though i?m not sure if i?m even going to stay in Phoenix after Master leaves. It's sometimes nice to be around others in the lifestyle, to speak more freely about similar interests. i'm more interested in going to some interesting demonstrations; i probably won't be going to many play parties, because i would not play if Master was not there. And watching someone else getting flogged would just make me frustrated.

This weekend Master surprised me and we are going to meet up in LA. He'll be coming from England, and I'll go a day earlier to visit my brother. Then we will stay a few days. It should be fun, and a nice stress reliever to get away for short time.

Master sometimes looks at me and says that He is so lucky. i just smile, because i'm the one who is incredibly lucky.

10/02/06
Just uploaded a few of other pictures from that batch. hehe, ignore the cloths and such in the background, a friend and i were just fooling around with a camera. Maybe i can crop them out.

A few days ago Master and i decided to make an after breakfast excursion to Castle Boutique. i was trying to find a smaller butt plug that would fit perfectly with the F5 thingy i really like being filled with, and one that would almost impossible for me to expel when i press down hard. (If Master laughs one more time as the butt plug goes flying across the room, i swear my feelings are going to be hurt! )

In addition to the smaller butt plug, Master ended up getting me the Adonis G-spot and Clitoral Stimulator to use on myself at home. i'm sure that Master is thinking that it might make me more sensitive or something, so it does not take an hour and a half of torturous pleasure to make me cum. (Thank You so much for being so patient with me.) Actually "sensitive" is really not the right word i'm looking for, i am very sensivitive and extremely responsive, i just fight it so hard. This might just be the thing. i have to wait until my ex goes to work tomorrow, because it would be extremely embarassing if he happened to walk in and i was seemingly humping the chair.

i have some beautiful markings today on my upper back from the viper. And of course my butt and legs are very well marked. Master is off on a trip, so it is a nice reminder of Him.

Otherwise, everything is still hectic, but still going pretty well.
Have a great week.

elizabeth

09/20/06

What a long, strange trip its been -

Just an update, so much is going on right now.

i've added the leather ottoman/coffee table to my growing list of favorite things. What an amazing spanking/fuck bench it makes - just the perfect height and dimensions to be spread eagle and helpless on. i think Master also really liked using the inflatable dildo on me, although His favorites are still most definitely His assortment of canes and my ass cheeks (i found out that one is the Singapore punishment cane).

Bondage is definitively not one of my favorite things. i love the padded cuffs we brought at Tuff Stuff, having my wrists or ankles bound, any sort of chastity device, and of course the spreader bar, but whenever i'm in any seriously confining position for too long, i just start to focus on the lack of movement, muscle stiffness and wanting to stretch so badly. Luckily, Master prefers me to hold my place for Him anyway. i do like leaving the leather cuffs on though, they are kind of sexy on an otherwise completely naked body.

It looks like Master will most likely be moving back to Australia in January, and i've been really bummed about it lately. What started out as one thing between us has developed into something so much more.

Our earliest letters never fail to make me smile - we were so different, and its quite amazing we even hooked up. Him - a switch, very much into sensation play, and very much opposed to any sort of D/s aspect; and then there was me - not into casual playing or scening at all, and very much into the Master/slave and psychological aspects of BDSM. And He suggesting that i read John Stuart Mill, to which i responded with exactly just what i thought about switches (at the time). And then prior to our first few meetings, He wrote out the most amazingly detailed negotiations, including what was to be used, how many strokes or how hard, and how much marking would be left. While i, who had never had a safeword and had adopted the limits of my Dominant, was like "uh-huh", not even knowing some of the acronyms used, but figuring i could handle the situation when it came up.

It hurts so much. But i'm trying really hard not to be sad, because i know that i can't please Him when i'm so sad. But He is my Master, my best friend, and my confidant.

Despite this, i am so grateful that i have had this chance to be with Him, however brief. It is funny how people come in and out of your life. Although i am always the proverbial Pisces female (its probably time for me to grow up one of these days), within the last year He has centered me, encouraged me, and has given me enough confidence so that i could accomplish things that needed to get done.

My ex and i have finally done the paperwork for our divorce. It will be finalized late October, early November. And it only took five years of me being on the couch. i have no idea why it took so long. Luckily, we have kept it all amiable.

And i'm almost finished with the courses i'm working on and i'm getting ready to put up my listings. Hopefully i'll be getting some clients and my name out there soon. i'm just kind of worried about the whole working-for-yourself thing.

Master has also showed me a different perspective on BDSM, and in doing so, gave me the opportunity to really think about life and BDSM, define it for myself, and figure out what i can give as a slave, and what i look for in a Master. i could never have done any of this without Him. And i know that He has learned a little from me also, and that He obtains pleasure from my submission.

And it?s also the sweet, little things He does which mean so much - like bringing the dogs thick beef rib bones for a treat, answering my silly questions when i'm having computer problems, or putting up with me finding yet another hurt bird and agreeing to drive me all the way to Fallen Feathers.

Anyway, that's about it for now.

elizabeth

08/20/06

Last night Master and i went to a comedy club. School starts this week and it was a "relax and get ready for the sucky commute" kind of weekend (a brief reprieve?) One of the comics was Steve Byrne. He was pretty funny. i found a clip of the "Sex with Bruce Lee":
(since we can't post websites, you can run a search on youtube.

There is a part where the comic is using both his hands and foot. Master said that's what He needs to do when He plays with me, because i'm a lot to handle. It is true though - i am all over the place.   http://www.collarspace.com/htmlarea/smileys/0011.gif" align=absMiddle border=0>

Needless to say, after play, being used very hard, servicing, and getting a special salt and lavender massage from Master (of course i couldn't get away without a little salt rub/clit torture), i am feeling so much more relaxed.

i always love it when i please my Master and He looks down at me and says "you are such a good girl, elizabeth". And His marks are such a pleasant reminder.

Master let it slip last night ? He said that He thinks my (His) breasts have been neglected for a while.

i swear, i don?t think they?ve been neglected in the least! They have just not been the focus of attention of late. But they have been bound, sucked, squeezed and twisted, nipples bitten until they?ve bleed, clamped and tortured.

And then my mind begins to speculate, eek! ? what could He be thinking of? Caning or one of the thin, thicker straps - leaving beautiful welts or leaving them black and blue, electricity, the elastrator, wax, needles, something new He's gotten overseas? Just what exactly does He have planned?

But even though i know i will have to process a considerable amount of pain at times, they are so incredibly sensitive and in just a few minutes i will be away into some sort of subspace. And He would never leave permanent damage on the breasts and nipples (which are almost always embarrassingly hard) that He loves to play with.

Ok, enough of this agonizing, back to studying with me! :)

As i knelt in front of my Master, i looked up at Him, wanting to do anything and everything possible to please Him. And i also longed to taste Him so badly.

As He was already hard, i took Him down deep in my mouth as far as i could, and slowly moved back and forth, so He could feel the back of my throat. And when i needed to breathe i would slowly withdraw and lick the head of His cock, placing it between my lips, and go down again. And then i took His balls in my mouth, and played with them for a little while, moving them slowly back in forth between my teeth.

He then lay on the bed, and my tongue worked its way up to His nipples. i playfully bit one then the other, and He said that it looked like someone wanted the clover clamps. i smiled and gave out a little ?eek? because my breast were so sensitive just then, but i did brush them against His body. my tongue then worked its way to his underarms, and i loved smelling and taking Him in. And i ended at His feet, sometimes licking and sometimes rubbing my cheek against His foot, feeling so content and peaceful at that moment.

He had me lick His a-hole, and as i knelt near the bed, my body gyrated while my tongue entered Him and explored. And suddenly He turned around. i let out the little cry that i do when i am concentrating hard and something startles me. As He got up i was hoping He was ready to use my mouth again so i could finally taste Him.

But He had me move to the edge of the bed, almost into a ball position, so i was basically just a hole to be used. But He did allow me to clean Him up afterwards.

08/14/06

Humility is having to admit just how truly vulgar and slutty you are.

Master had me lie face down on the bed. The welts He had made earlier on my butt with the cane and on my inner thighs with the dense looped strap, were still visible. Now He used the flogger to whip my whole body, which was unusual for Him. He reserves it for a treat because He knows how much i love its ?thudiness?. But then He ended using the heavy leather strap. He had not given me my leather plug gag, which i find so comforting, so i ended up chewing on a towel to muffle my cries.

He is training me to orgasm without pain or any sort of overt dominance. i had never been able to do this in the past, having to first go into some sort of subspace, which allowed me to let go. i do not know why i fight it so hard.

He has me turn over, and takes out Hitachi and insertables of various sizes and shapes. After a short time, my arms and legs begin to thrash as i pull at the sheets, my torso slamming against the bed, and my vaginal and anal muscles push hard against anything inside me. And i beg Him to hurt me - to please just bite my nipples or slap me hard in the face. But He will not. And then i plead with Him to keep me still and forced open by using the spreader bar, but when He ignores me, i so willingly spread my knees wide, and hold them open as much as i can, sometimes pushing a pillow beneath me so He will have easy access.

If He starts with a smaller dildo (which He usually does), i beg for the huge pink one - the L5, screaming as he continues to rotate it until it fills my whole pussy, and only after that He will insert in the smaller butt plug. i love being so filled and so open. When i manage to dislodge the anal plug, i will raise my butt, and rub my finger over the area, just so He can clearly see my empty a-hole. i have no shame.

And after hours of struggle and sweat, when i finally have become so exhausted and just cannot take anymore, i finally do let go. And those are the most awesome, intense orgasms.

i thank Him, feeling so grateful and lower myself to my knees so i can service Him.


08/07/06

Yesterday i spent way too much time reading some of the crap going on in the Politics section. Master is away for a few days, but i really should be studying!

In some ways i am considered so liberal, but i am also very much a pragmatist. When it comes to politics, philosophy, sociology, and religion, everyone has their own strong opinions of what's right and wrong. Sometimes debate becomes futile and it basically comes down to a matter of protecting your own.

When i was little, i would go with my parents to march in support of Soviet Jewry. One year i made a sign to carry with me, and my dad looked at it and said, ?Honey, umm, that?s a pentagram,?

Needless to say, i was not raised in a very religious household, but one that was pretty culturally and politically active.

When i was 15 years old, i was sent to live in Jerusalem for a year, and a few years later i visited for a few months, this time primarily Tel Aviv.

It was an amazing experience to visit a part of the Middle East ? exploring the Old City; visiting with an old elementary school friend, whose father was a Knesset member and the head of a Druze village on Mt. Carmel; going to training camp as a 10th grader and learning to shoot an M16 and simulate techniques to avoid land mines; and hanging out with US Navy personnel (who were perfect gentlemen)The experience did make me appreciate some of the things i took for granted in the States.

During the second trip, i went with friends for a few days to Egypt. Egypt is equally as interesting ? the museum, pyramids (the light show at night around the Sphinx is a little tacky though), and watching the Japanese and Saudi?s high stake gambling at night.

i had phoned my parents from Israel to tell them i was going on the trip but they were adamantly against it because of some tourism worries. i assured them i wouldn?t go, but of course, i went anyway. While i was in Egypt there had been a bombing on a bus on route from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv. Several had been killed, including two foreigners, who where only identified as Austrians a few days later.

And with the incredible logic and thoughtfulness of a teenager, i did not call my parents. i wanted to wait to call them when we got back to Isreal, so they would not get an international operator from Egypt. So i put my parents through three days of hell - serious worrying and trying to contact various agencies and friends. i think i?ll always feel really bad about putting them through so much worry. Sorry Mom and Dad!

Yesterday Sir picked me up at 4:30pm. i was wearing a tight mini dress, thigh hi?s, and black boots with stiletto heels. As i slid into the passenger seat He smiled briefly, but i could see Him assessing me and thinking of all the ways He had thought up to torment me, while on His trip. When i sat down, my dress hiked slightly up, exposing my thong panties. As His hand moved down, my legs opened instinctively. My eyes closed slightly and i held my breath briefly, as i thought of His fingers entering me. It had been so long. But His hand just lightly brushed against my pubic area, and then slowly made a circle around and around the lips, never straying near the clit or opening. He withdrew His hand briefly as my pelvis rotated forward, trying to reach His fingers. And He smiled. He enjoyed playing with me.

Thankfully the ride was a short one. As we entered the room, He pulled me towards Him and touched my face; i tensed and flinched on reflex, looking down. But His hand came under my chin, lifting my face towards Him. The slaps came so hard and fast, and i moaned while He touched the redness and then pushed His thumb through my lips, deep in my throat. Automatically i began to suck hard on it, as if it were His cock, working my throat and lips back and forth, faster and faster.

He pulled forward a straight back wooden chair, and bent me over it. He then lifted my skirt and began to whip me. i believe He used the heavier of the two viper straps, but i cannot be sure. The sting was very harsh, but i tried to keep my place the best that i could, pushing my legs into the back of the chair, trying to absorb the pain for Him.

i remembered the last time we had been together. Sir had placed clover clamps on my labia, and pulled it taught while He whipped it with the leather strap. That I took, even though it had been painful. But then He placed a clamp directly on my clit, and began to pull. The pain was unbearable, and i begged Him to have pity on me. i felt so disappointed in myself for having failed Him. And even though He assured me i had not, i still feel so ashamed.

The strikes from the viper came quickly, with just a little warm up, focusing on my cheeks and upper thigh area. He likes that area best, and often concentrates on it. And then He stopped. He briefly ran His fingers against the welts, but then He walked across the room. These times of brief reprieve and silently waiting only cause me more distress, wondering what He will do next. But when He returned, He slid His cock slowlyinto my wet pussy, so smooth, so calming. And as He began to move faster and slap His body hard against my welts still stinging from the whipping, it felt so incredibly good. Thank You, Sir.

He alternated for a time between whippings, and using both holes and then moved to the front of the chair, pulling my head up by my hair, and placing His cock in my mouth so i could service Him. He took me off the chair, and pulled me over to the bed, kneeling me before Him so that i could take Him much deeper. And there was such a need in me to please Him the best that i could, but i wasn?t really sure if it was solely from a need to serve this Man who hurt me, or if it was also done to briefly stop Him from causing me that pain.

i have gotten so much better at giving a blow job and rimming. i continued to think of Him fucking my holes, as i gyrated my body back and forth, and i worked my tongue in and out of His a-hole, or sucked deep on His cock and balls. i payed homage to every part of Him, groveling at His feet, less than a person. i was His pet, His slave, willing to do anything to please Him, my Sir.

Not really that much of interest to write about because Sir is still out of town. One of these days i'll write about the weekend that He flew in a Domme who was an expert in Shibari and electric pussy torture, and who is a pretty well-known BDSM porn star. It was purely for some teaching sessions, but it was a really interesting experience.

Anyway, one the married guys i have known for some time online, recently told me that a few years ago he had collared one of his ex-slaves because "she was 'low maintenance', only expecting to see him once a week; although she was not bi, it was ok with her that he fucked around with as many other subs as he pleased (i guess they didn't all play together); and on top of that she was was completely obedient."

The first thought that crossed my mind, after "what an a-hole!", was that i honestly don't think any ex would be saying that about me, and i guess i would then need to be considered "high maintenance." i've never been called that before. But i love seeing my Dominant as often as possible and waking up next to Him in the morning. i hope one day when i do become collared, there is so much more meaning behind it.

Sir went on a business trip to England yesterday. And the following week He will be Hong Kong for a few days.

And i was ultra horny. Now one good thing about being with someone who travels frequently worldwide, is that you get to play with some awesome toys. The little medical TENS unit is quite good for giving yourself pain. But the problem is that even though i do try to be sadistic and mean, i just cannot torture myself the way Sir can. i am such a wuss!

He will be back in time for Valentine's Day. :) And i really do think it is one of the most gimmicky holidays, but He said He'd be bringing home something special. And that is kind of cute.

i never really understood why Dominants in some profiles write that they will only consider a new slave or submissive, who has never been trained. It is not like i am terribly ?used?. i have been with only two Dominants, and the first was for four years. During that time i was trained to serve as His exclusive sex slave. i would think these skills would be transferable.

The first time Sir said i had been well trained was while I had been deep throating Him, He was making me gag and coming close to vomiting by forcing His cock down the curve in my throat. i have never been able to control the gag reflex but He seems to enjoy it even more as my throat tightens around his cock anyway. He is also actually slightly more sadistic than my past Dominant and uses these times for breath control, and once down the curve He will hold His cock in place until i begin to struggle.

The second time was during some insertion play, and it suprised me a little. Sir tells me i am extremely tight and have great PC muscle control, and He delights in the size of the items He puts in both of my holes. Before He said that, i never really thought of this sort of thing as training, but i guess He is right. i remember how much time was spent over those years, inserting an ever larger dildo or plug in either hole or both of them. At the end, we were up to the large butt plug. i always knew when it was coming, and while i waited on all fours with ass raised, i would start to whimper, because i knew just how much pain i was in for. And when He would insert it, the pain was almost unbearable and felt as if i was being torn open as the plug got thicker and thicker until it was finally was in place. And then He would always turn me over and use the other hole, making me feel so full and as if i could not take anymore. But i always did.

Now I absolutely love insertables, but the largest butt plug Sir has used on me to date is a medium sized one, and naughty sub that i am, i will never tell Him that i can take the larger one. i am sure He will decide to go to the larger one when the urge hits Him, soon enough.

Come on guys!

Because i have been asked this question more than once, i guess i'll need to clarify. So much for trying to be minimalistic and "deep".

i am still very much my Sir's good little whore, still a masochist, and still loving everything about BDSM - that yin/yang, male/female, D/s aspect. Always.

i was just trying to say that i am no longer a slave. i read that a slave needs to be owned by a Master. And that need is almost bottomless.

But because i am no longer a slave, i freely choose to serve. Trust me; i'm only going to be a better lover.

Anyway, have a great day. :)

02/06/06

Beatings, torture, humiliation, and being used like a two bit whore at a bachelor party is what turns you on. I'm a sadistic one man gangbang. Think we're a match?

02/05/06

i am a contracted submissive, for one year.

It is a strange relationship indeed. And it is very good. The situation frees me to be completely "whorish" and totally nasty. i am learning to anticipate His wishes and what pleases Him. i am holding my place better during a beating or torture, because i know how visual He is, how much He enjoys seeing my back arched and my holes ready for Him for use or to accept pain. i present myself to Him after a beating, because He enjoys examining the marks He has made. "Lovely." It is total objectification. my sole purpose is to be used and to serve. In all honesty, it?s kind of a turn on. He loves it that i am constantly wet in His presence.

At the same time, though, He has been so incredibly kind to me. We have gotten to know each other so much better and play is getting intense. In the beginning He would ask me what i enjoyed, but now He knows that what i love is to be used. And He knows how to get me into that mindset ? a simple few slaps and a look, and i?m immediately down on my knees, servicing Him, or bending over the bed, pulling my jeans down, waiting.

i have only been punished once by Him. i have learned that punishment and brutality are not necessary for me to know my place (although i still crave brutality).

And i know that one day it will end. It is inevitable. And that's ok. i am becoming a better slave.

Compare and Contrast

The downside of being owned by a scientist is that a simple question of which toy would leave the best markings for a photograph, becomes an experiment. 

Items tested this time were on one cheek the canes, both the nylon and rattan, and the other cheek, various straps, including the rubber and leather.  Needless to say, the rubber strap felt like a baseball bat and made me buckle three times, and i was informed that was only at 80%!


[Hints i use to accept more pain: if allowed and not bound, covering my ears tightly helps a lot, you feel as if you are underwater and the sound of the whip becomes muffled, it just helps to accept more and get into that zone;  repeating over and over in your mind "This Man owns me", which helps to remind you why you are submitting;  and lastly, the use of a stuff gag.  When i was a young and new sub, my first Master would have me suck on His thumb when the pain became almost unbearable.  i find the leather stuff gag has the same calming effect.] 


And then when i thought it was all  over, He used both holes extremely hard, after whipping them with the viper and thin leather strap, and it was all just too much to take and i became a simple blob of sub. :)