BlackLeather

I am considering my time at ImSl... are you interested?  Send me a note.

MY STORY OF GOR

I live on a different planet. It is different from GOR. Gor is a male supremacy based place, in that I certainly would not feel comfortable, so I spend most my time in another place. 

People who live in the realm of GOR have their own way, as do I. Since this happens to be 2006, and we all have been working hard for 20+ years at integrating the BDSM community so we can ALL live our fantasies, it is imperative we remember just that.

It is our created world that is supported by the BDSM/Leather community which exists at all because of the foresight of some of our early icons. That time in our community is paved with the emotions, and insight gained through much hardship by all of us who participated. 

We marched, we fought, we loved, we played, and we moved forward. You can see this hard work reflected in the smaller community clubs. It excites me to participate in our development. While I don’t necessarily prescribe to everyone’s beliefs, I will fight tooth and nail to your rights to be whoever you believe yourself to be, as well as your right to play that out under consensual conditions!

To give each other the room to be who we are, is to honor our right to participate in the BDSM/Leather world. 

As I find myself more and more online. I have begun to peruse the chat rooms and listings. I am appalled at how many wimmin complain about how the men are acting. And have been approached once or twice myself.

A couple of things are very noticeable:

1. If I am the DOM, then you are to approach from that perspective. You must read our profiles before attempting to connect

2. And if we have writing the word DOM or TOP there is a reason. Whatever it may be it must be respected!

3. If YOU are new to the lifestyle then take your time, and make sure you let people know the fact that you are NEW because

1. Certain things are prevalent when one is a novice
2. Some of us do NOT want to train you!
3. Some of us prefer to train!

4. If you are new, trust me, you probably don’t know / understand the difference between slave, sub, boitoi, bottom, whateva. So learn. It is a very very good idea to get out to your local club and learn. There is a MAJOR difference between r/l and cyber!

5. Just because you want someone…does not mean they want you! 

6. Just because you like to be whipped …does not mean I want to whip YOU!

7. Many of us are more into the kink than what you look like!

1. That is one of the reasons we negotiate…to find out if there is common ground

Ok…I am ready to take on a 24/7 slave. Prefer butch boi, but like fems too. NO Drama. I am quite the sadist, and have plenty of room for the “right” individual.

Experience is best. Olde Guarde Leatherdyke!

For all the wonderful smers out there.  I recently was approached a woman who was interested in a “situation” with me.  Unfortunately she wanted more than I am able to give at this time.

The interaction made me realize I need to let everyone know.  So…that is what I am doing.  Till further notice I am on a spiritual quest and will be consumed by it for at least 3 mos!

I will be away till June 9, 05. 

Canes

The Toybag

You can create a substantial toybag on a budget, or go all out.  Either way it is mostly important for the bottom…

Since these toys are going to be used on YOU.  If they are yours you will know where they have been.  Which leads me to thinking about cleaning.  In San Francisco we were really lucky, there was a drycleaner that cleaned our floggers.

What should you absolutely have in there?  That depends on what you enjoy doing.  I have a very extensive toybag.  By now I have so many playthings I have a standard bag, for when I don’t know if and with whom I am going to play.

When I am crating a scene I think about what will happen!  There are some basics for the low budget bag…moving upward:

1. Clothes pins
2. Rope
3. Little clips
4. Knife
5. Ping pong paddle
6. Bamboo plant sticks
7. Latex gloves, dental dams, condoms
8. Spatula
9. Paint stir
10. Soft cloth, fuzzy
11. Feather
12. Soft flogger

Remember

Look at the clothespins make sure they have no open sharp edges…oh and you can always put them on a rope with knots on each end.  Usually about 3 ½ feet to 4 works well.

Go to the office supply store, hardware store with the object of your affection in mind!

Relationship

Tis true, I am an S/m snob.  I see Dominance and Submission (D/s) as a refined form of sexuality.  I enjoy the high and those who know exactly what I am talking about.  Doing exploratory S/m is actually boring to me.  

SUBMITTING TO ME

Public or Private Play

Many when they are at the beginning of their S/m road, believe in playing privately.  They like the intimacy.  I contend playing privately is a mistake.  Something that is done, but seasoned players, I believe, enjoy the things that go with public play.

The first being the exhibitionism. Being able to watch a good scene, or doing one for others is Hottttttt.

You get to ride the energy of the other scenes happening in the dungeon, as well as mingle with others.  Sometimes I just go to the dungeon to feed off of the energy and maybe hunt.

Now….SM and Lovers is not the same for me.  So, I am careful to keep clear what I am doing and why.  When a person wants to be alone with me (never mind what they think or say is the reason), it is not something I strive to accommodate.  Although since I have been in the desert I have played privately more. 

When I first moved to Bisbee, AZ there was a public dungeon, it, unfortunately no longer exists. There is a group in Tucson and a group in Phoenix and if you search you will probably find a group in your area.  You may have to drive a little, but it is well worth it.

Responsibility

Whose responsibility is it?  Of course I am looking at life from the TOP perspective.  My goals come from a Dominant Heart…period.

Having said that, I want to help you understand both sides of the equation.  First of all, as I have said before, everyone is responsible for himself or herself.  Each, especially the Subby, needs to respect and love them.

And from there, we find them beautiful, attractive, and enticing.  Hear me, think back.  When you have been most desirable has been when you are settled in yourself.  And, when you least expected to be “found”.

So…when you are hungry for action…you must approach it from the appropriate space.  If you say to your TOP.  I want to play, or lets play or whatever mundane way you put it out there ….you will turn me off that is for sure. 

I have said it many times.  It is really easy to get me to ….you go into role, let me feel “special” and “work” me with your energy.  Learn me, as I do you.  Give me the energy/respect and let me feel what you want….what you are fantasizing about.  Don’t make any assumptions, let me come to you…

Then we begin the “dance”

Creating the scene is done by me as the TOP, using you to help.  Usually I say to the bottom, we use your mind.  In other words, I explore you and create with that.  Other TOPs may do it differently, but this is how I do it.

Etticate

What is it and how does it work?  Olde tyme Leather probably has a totally different idea about it than the “kids”.  I suppose it is frustrating to me to have something be so important to me, and when I meet a chicki, well they are usually just into the feelings the whole thing produces.

What many don’t realize is that the feelings are directly related to the “how”.  When we stick with “tradition” it will produce the results.  Staying in role can be tedious; that is quite necessary. 

Because …if we let go, and allow ourselves to be manipulated by the bottome/subby we wind up losing what we have worked so hard to accomplish.  The TOP/bottom relationship is complex. 

You would think it were quite easy/clear.  But, it is all dependant on how clear the TOP is with themselves.  How they are able hold the energy.  Keep themselves under control.  When the TOP looses control they also surrender their TOPness!

It is an unconscious game on the part of the Bottom.  The Sub wants to know they are safe so they can let go completely.  They can only do this if they are sure the DOM is able to hold the energy.

Usually it takes time for this state of being to happen.  Over time we get to know each other, we watch one another in the community.  Being alert to how situations are handled, creating a sense of appropriate and inappropriate for each other.

Once this has been established, the people involved begin to move as a unit.  And yet, constant checkins and re-negotiation is imperative.

Communicaiton is the basis of our community.  Negotiation creates the safety net, so necessary for some of  the very emotionally extreme things we do. 

Most importantly, though, is your communication with yourself.  You must think about what you are about to do, and why you are doing it.  I mean the real reason.  Think it through.

2. Think about what makes you scared

3. Think about what happens inside when you are scared.

4. How well do you know the people you are going to do S/m with?  And if you don’t know them, what do you know about them? 

5. How do you know they will do as they say?

S/m can take many forms.  A scene is a controlled situation where everyone involved participates in the pre-negotiation and after-care.

As an experienced TOP I am concerned about the needs, desires, and limits of others.  I believe TOPs have limit too!!! Each participant must know themselves.  If not, the play can be disasterous.  And, after all, we do this to get off.  It is supposed to be enjoyable!

One of  the easiest ways to clear your mind as to what you must communicate to everyone involved in your scene is to create a list right now. 

Take a sheet of paper or in Microsoft Word (dunno what MAC users have as a Word Processing Program) and fold in 3 columns.  Label them YES, NO, MAYBE and then you are on your way.  Of course, over time some things move from one list to another, so it is a good idea to date the list.

Some topics you will want to include.  And trust me, you do want to include them…for example I once played with a woman who did not tell me her mental health history….

Be sure to include information about:

1. Medication

I learned a great negotiation skill from Cleo Dubois.  It is to ask, show me what you look like when the scene is working.  Show me what your body looks like when the scene is not working.

An important factor is you as a bottom get nervous cause you are so attracted to the TOP.  It is essential you get out of bottom space and remember this is about your total health after the scene.  And, you are responsible for that.  It is also a part of ensuring you have fun.  You communicate what you want

Even experienced players need to negotiate.  And you may have scened together before, it is necessary to check in.  I personally like to keep it formal.  Of course, over time, it is somewhat informal because a part of the process is feeling out eachother and building the heat/energy.

The negotiation is ongoing.  Throughout the connection process from initial contact pertaining to this scene, all the way to the after calls.  During the scene, the top “reads” the bottom; this is why I don’t appreciate “brave little soldiers”.  I am working hard to extract these feelings from you; I would like to experience them with you.

TOPs/DOMs are not all the same, although we are very much alike.  I like to ride the energy.  I used to call it inviting you onto my magic carpet.

Everyone involved is responsible for creating a great scene.

Headspace is an important consideration.  I did a scene once with a lover, not knowing she was not doing well.  I don’t know why I had not noticed…but fact is, I didn’t.

I know for people not of this scene, all this communication stuff seems overdone and a turnoff.  But, for us/me it is exactly the opposite.  The better the communication, the hotter the scene can be.  After all, having the arena established leaves room for true freedom.

During the time we are creating the “dance”, I discuss and flirt.  One of the questions is: “Tell me about your fantasies.  Describe what is going on.” 

“What do you want out of the scene?  Describe to me what it would look like? What is going on?  Be as specific as possible.”

“What is the flavor of the scene?  Are you engaged in the activity?  A participant in that you deserve this. Or did you earn it.”

If you are a TOP where does your head go?  Are you looking to have certain things done?  As the bottom, are their certain things the scene just has to include to make it as perfect as possible?  Basically, you want to run through your fantasy in your head, this will trigger the right questions and ways to create the fantasy in real life.

I like a bottom to write me about their ideas and thoughts beforehand.  That helps me understand them.

Many times I have used an interrogation type style.  I have a clipboard with my list and go through it with the bottom.  I may or may not.

Boundaries and limits are a topic of themselves.  I will begin a little today.

STOP is not a word that bottoms seem to be comfortable with.  Yet it is their most important word.  The sub/bottom must learn about themselves enough to be able to somehow communicate their “limit”. 

This is crucial.  As I try to describe why, it occurs to me that we are mostly talking about new situations.  Many relationships move way beyond this and the entire responsibility of the subs well-being is transferred to the DOM. 

What this means is there is an incredible amount of weight on the TOP.  You want to know exactly who they are and who they are under “all” circumstances.  This takes time.  There are several ways you can find this out.

1. Observe them over time

2. Talk to people in the community who’s opinion you respect

3. Check-out what their stance in the community is

4. Talk to them (but remember you are getting “their” opinion

If it is all about a short scene you want to do now… you can still find out a few things

1. Have they been around a while?  What have you observed about other scenes they have done?

2. What is it about them that attracts you?

3. Ask questions

4. Look around and see if someone there knows them and ask questions

We, in the S/m community appreciate the above.  We know how important it is and will attempt to help.  Please be aware it is not about gossip.  Do not be afraid to ask.  It is about your health.  And, your health is the health of our entire community.

And don’t forget.  What turns you on may not turn on someone else.  That is what negotiation is about.  It is not about you personally.  It is about whether or not it is a good match to have “fun”.  Do your fantasies match?  Will you be able to create a “dance” together? 

And, by talking about it, you may come to new ideas and possible pushing and expanding of your limits. 

Communicaiton is the basis of our community.  Negotiation creates the safety net, so necessary for some of  the very emotionally extreme things we do. 

Most importantly, though, is your communication with yourself.  You must think about what you are about to do, and why you are doing it.  I mean the real reason.  Think it through.

2. Think about what makes you scared

3. Think about what happens inside when you are scared.

4. How well do you know the people you are going to do S/m with?  And if you don?t know them, what do you know about them? 

5. How do you know they will do as they say?

S/m can take many forms.  A scene is a controlled situation where everyone involved participates in the pre-negotiation and after-care.

As an experienced TOP I am concerned about the needs, desires, and limits of others.  I believe TOPs have limit too!!! Each participant must know themselves.  If not, the play can be disasterous.  And, after all, we do this to get off.  It is supposed to be enjoyable!

One of  the easiest ways to clear your mind as to what you must communicate to everyone involved in your scene is to create a list right now. 

Take a sheet of paper or in Microsoft Word (dunno what MAC users have as a Word Processing Program) and fold in 3 columns.  Label them YES, NO, MAYBE and then you are on your way.  Of course, over time some things move from one list to another, so it is a good idea to date the list.

Some topics you will want to include.  And trust me, you do want to include them?for example I once played with a woman who did not tell me her mental health history?.

Be sure to include information about:

1. Medication

An important factor is you as a bottom get nervous cause you are so attracted to the TOP.  It is essential you get out of bottom space and remember this is about your total health after the scene.  And, you are responsible for that.  It is also a part of ensuring you have fun.  You communicate what you want

Even experienced players need to negotiate.  And you may have scened together before, it is necessary to check in.  I personally like to keep it formal.  Of course, over time, it is somewhat informal because a part of the process is feeling out eachother and building the heat/energy.

The negotiation is actually something that is ongoing.  Throughout the connection process from initial contact pertaining to this scene, all the way to the after calls.

AND everyone involved is responsible for creating a great scene.

Headspace is an important consideration.  I did a scene once with a lover, not knowing she was not doing well.  I don?t know why I had not noticed?but fact is, I didn?t.

I know for people not of this scene, all this communication stuff seems overdone and a turnoff.  But, for us/me it is exactly the opposite.  The better the communication, the hotter the scene can be.  After all, having the arena established leaves room for true freedom.

LOVE

Can a Top fall in love?  If so can they fall for a bottom, another top, a switch?  Or maybe even a nilla person?

Yes of course.  It is easy to fall in love.  When you fall in love….what is you are falling in love with? 

That is an important question to ask yourself. 

It is the job of the bottom to be in love with her DOM.  To adore and worship.  This is best done from the heart space.  Being able to do things from the heart space is a skill.  To “make love” without being in love!

The DOM practices this every time their flogger, hand, etc falls onto a bottom’s skin.  I call it compassion.  There is something I call “the touch”.  Knowing how to access that special place inside myself (heart) and letting it flow through me into my hands and then to the instrument I am wielding.

Collars

It is the Top’s prerogative to choose, and give the collar.  It is to be left to the whim of the DOM.

Although it has occurred that a bottom finds, sees a collar they “really really” want….so they acquire it and present it to their Top in the appropriate way.

Appropriate =

Although there are basic rules in the S/m world, Top’s know what they want.  Thus, it is a process the bottom must go through to “learn” their prospective Top.

The term I recently heard used is “Under Consideration”.

The person I heard it from was feeling indignant about how she was being treated by a certain DOM.  It is like being engaged, it is the pretrial to what you are going to be to each other.

I have also done short-term contracts for six months.  Many times, people will approach me about wanting to be a 24/7 slave.  Problem is fantasy and reality are different.  Book knowledge is definitely a step in the right direction, then virtual experience enhance the heat.

But, nothing replaces the actual real time scene.

Ya know what? I don?t hate guys. I am a true dyke, a bulldagger as they used to call us. I admire the young who are just who they are. I am a dyke?that is how I identify.

Guys see my profile on www.collarme.com and it is listed as LESBIAN, and they don?t take it seriously?and that is exactly my problem. Guys don?t take wimmin seriously, even when they are talking about bottoming, or being a sub or slave. They are still trying to dominate.

If we put out that we are not interested then that is what we are saying. And I am a DOM, so what part of that do they not understand???

It is a phenomenon I will never get comfortable with. For years I was not even able to have men as my friends. I have evolved past that. Those who are in my life in ANY capacity know how to act. By that I mean true human respect.

women only....

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING!

How full of yourself you have got to be to try and control what I do….In other words….when you put out that you “can’t handle” or it “hurts you” when I am with others…what is THAT about? 

I mean really…”you want to serve…right?” 

One thing that really urks me…is this I want to serve you and then when I start taking control and doing / being who I am, you as my “bottom” or “lover” or whatever attempt to dictate what is going to happen!

Common now…that is not what it is about…it is not about you it is about ME.  You talk about the willingness/need to serve…then that is exactly what I/we are going to expect from you!

Lets be clear here.  I am saying it like it is.  The medium of today’s technologie has created an environment for all of us to find each other better.  It is now truly possible to learn about each other and see if there is common ground.

Sex vs. S/m

Most seem to confuse S/m and sex.  Yes, they are very closely related, but not the same…and just because you are serving a Dom does not mean

1. You will have a physical orgasm

2. Be penetrated at all

3. Have overt sexual stimulation

First of all remember who this is about.  !  Is it about you the bottom?  What is true submission?  I am sure you have heard the term: “Topping from the bottom”. 

Of course, the more your Top loves you the more the lines can get muddled.  It takes work, just as in any relationship, to keep the S/m clean.

As you have probably read by now, “negotiation” is the alpha and omega of  BDSM.  Do a good job communicating and everyone will be happy.  Leave it by the wayside, because you are lazy, incapable, arrogant, or whatever and you are creating a cesspool of energy. 

This is unacceptable, because, as far as I know, still today, the leather community communicates and no one wants to loose face and turn around one day and have no one to “play” with.

And, I think, it has to start somewhere.  I mean, you don’t see someone and arrange to be their real time slave, without ever having experienced them…or do you? 

Which brings me to…all this cyber stuff.  Not long ago, I took a trip back to my old stomping grounds, San Francisco.  My partner and I went on the prowl, and both me some hot playmates.  When we met afterwards and compared notes, it turned out she had a lousy time. 

During the negotiations she asked all the proper questions…(and when I have time maybe I will post a set of negotiation terms you can use) …the cute butch number answered and they got going.  When the flogger hit the very first time, there was a yell, and something like: “Damn, that really hurts” …NO top should have to work with something like that. 

I find it abhorrent and ridiculous.  But, we must all take responsibility for what we experience….and learn to ask the right questions…one of which is “Tell me your mental health history, what medication/drugs are you taking”  and the other: Tell me about your experience in SM, in particular how much you have played cyber and how much real time.”

It is amazing we have to get so specific.  But, I learn constantly and refine my technique.  Cause, as I have said before: “If it’s not fun, why do it”….so I am conscientious about creating an environment I will enjoy…get off on.

Just because you are female, or cute, or whatever is not enough for me to want you.  I am not needy.  If I am going to give you my most valuable gift: “TIME” I do not want to waste it.  There are so many wimmin and people who are just wagging their butts to have a quality top notice them, I am not lacking…

I am always on the lookout for certain attributes.  And enjoy sharing energy and in the background I am evaluating the possibility of a “contract” or other long-term arrangement.

Worthy Allies

On a whim, I sent a note to a Fem/Top …she was surprised and cautious.  All my life, I have found myself on the edge of the edge. 

First of all….I have never forgotten ….”Every Daddi needs a Daddi”.

By now, of course, my experience is vast.  Energy and Power are a total turn-on.  When the energy is   “Right”  then …

What I am saying is: If it is not fun why do it???

Letting myself get entrenched in other people’s concepts of what I am supposed to be stopped when I came out of the closet.  When I sat up and realized I did not need to let my life be dictated by ANYONE but me! 

That was probably the momentous time in my life. 
 

When I was in San Francisco, I know I know…every leatherdykes dream/wish.  I enjoyed the freedom of being “myself” in every way. 

My most favorite times are when 5 tops have their way with 1 or 2 bottoms.  And, guess what….it is not all about the bottoms.  I totally enjoy the exchange of energy with the other DOMS.  Many times using the bottom to bond over.

For example…imagine a scene…you and I have just totally worked the body of a hot boi, her knees are beginning to buckle…it is time to take her down if we want to pull anything else out of her…

We bring hym down, push hym to hys knees…hy is ready…I pull him toward me…caress his face as I lean back…looking directly into your eyes I slowly unzip….Looking deep into you, entering you with my being….the boi’s butt is in the air…ready for you.  You position behind hym and begin to play with hys ass.  As, you concentrate on your handy-work you hear a barely audible moan….You look up and see my eyes slightly glazed and…..

Or….we have been friends for a while.  Hung out in the same places at the same times, when we notice a gorgeous fem…who is soliciting both of us…we allow her to “work” us by doing the “little things” that public play will allow.  We all setup a negotiation date, and then meet at the dungeon.  We begin to circle the bottom.  She is lovely in her submission.  She is absolutely turned on.  We (you and I) have done a an exemplary job of preparing her…getting to her…finding what works… By the time we were ready to meet…we were all quite aroused.

                             POWER  

I believe...All Tops/Doms are the same.  We want to feel total and absolute …..If you make us feel we are a deity you idolize we melt.  Now, of course we probably won’t show you but…all the same…we melt.

Many a bottom has been frustrated with me…As I tell them…”I’m easy” do what you do in a submissive way…and you can et just about anything from me.  That means deal with it from sub space.

If you just say…I need to get laid or whatever…I WILL take note, but that does not mean anything will happen.  If you get on your hands and knees and crawl to me with my stap in your mouth…well that isssssssss another story.

When I was in San Francisco this summer.  A woman was soliciting me to do a “scene” with her.  Within moments she had doprred to her knees and removed the collar I wear on my boot , with her teeth.  I must say…that did it…we played that night and had a great time.

So, ultimately it is about power.  I want it.  I crave it.  I wield it.  It is mine. It is who I am.

              What makes a sub? 

You say you want to be my slave, but only have your fantasy to go on….and it isn’t about you is it?  If  it were would I be your bottom?

Playing vs 24/7

So many come to the rooms with a pre-concept.  In a way this is good because that is where the energy and heat comes from ?our fantasy.  And the trick for all of us is how to turn fantasy into reality and have it be a high that we all enjoy, not just for the pleasure of the one.

Pleasure and pain and where the boundries are have been some of the issues we have dealt with in the leather lifestyles.  I came into leather around 1971.  The whole leather thing has a history?it is quite interesting and there are leather archives.  Much information was put together by Gayle Rubin.  There is now a leather museum in Washington D.C. 

The point is leather is a community and has a piece of our lives.  It is important to know more about it than just that it is hot.  That knowing will serve to ensure more fun?actually.

When I started playing all the icons were around the Shotwell House in San Francisco.  We all did not know we were writing history.  There are wonderful people who paved the road, were in the front lines so to speak.  When I have time I will look up their websites.  One of the people who has the best toys I have ever used is To this day her toys have help up?and I got them about 20 years ago.!!!

Slavery

People write/say to us (tops/doms) that they will do anything.  That we should do anything we wish to them.  That is so NOT.  It is sad people don’t get that they are in control.  That they must decide what they want, rather than lying down and saying “do anything you want”. 

Does that mean I can ….You don’t even know me and you want to meet me at a hotel…that is so ridiculous.  I mean, common now. 

Anyway…for me.  And I have been doing this for  a  long time…I have to be “attracted”, that means the person has “something” I want. 

Hi everyone…(looks around to peruse the audience and wonders…where are all the butch boi bottoms in Tucson?)  I am here now…and would love to have some activity.  I think about how I would like to use my violet wand…

Life is falling back into it's "place", and I am busy as can be.  My time would be better spent if I had someone who knows dreamweaver.  If there is someone out there who does contact me.

Life is good.  How can I expect otherwise?  I have a marvelous bottom, who loves and respects me. 

An amazing experience for the last two weeks is etched in my mind.  The slave is enhancing my moments as I write. 

Now, long-term and short-term bdsm relationships are so much more intense than anything the vanilla world could ever dish out.  We, all of us in MY TRIBE, are exploring and learning. 

It is my goal to create my reality with consciousness.  To have it just as I envision.  The process is the goal, thus I am higher than I have been in awhile.

As I showed a small knife gifted to me many years ago, with the inscription “Master Jacq” I remembered the ecstasy of the scenes I did with J.C.  Just moments later (we were at breakfast @ Denny’s…where else…lol), my cell phone rang with a call from J.C. (that’s how connected we are even after 7 years!!!!).

That fits well …. I am realizing my move out into the “sticks” has its disadvantages.  While in San Francisco my clan had it’s own doorway.  Here, I am finding it harder to build trust.  As the potential finds their place they must research the prospect, this is more difficult when there are few to “ask”. 

MJ

On your knees.

Regroup! Think about what you are doing, and why. Do not contact me until you understand what you are doing!