shame on you, you fool me once

iQuit

2013-09-23T18:14:20Z

Hopefully this will be a quick update since I should really get in the shower because I only have three hours till I'm getting picked up. But anyway…

Wednesday is my iQuit day. It's the day I'm going smoke free. I'm going to trade the smokes in for Nicorette lozenges. I also have a twelve week plan set up for weaning off the lozenges. I'm really nervous, but it's something I've wanted to do for a while. I've already tried twice. I'm hoping third time's a charm.

Also I'm back in school. It's the start of week four today. I have an "A" in the class so far with a 96.4% which gives me a 3.87 GPA since I got an "A-" in my first class. As soon as this class ends I'm jumping right into Intro to Psych. And when that term is over I will be off financial suspension. Thank god.

I must get going now. I have to shower, take the dog out and I'm not sure what else in the next 3 hours to be ready to go. I'm going out to eat with my mom and her friend Carol. We're going to Long Horn which I've been dying to go to for a few months now.

Hope all is well with you all! ♥

Broken people find each other. And we get fixed with each other.

2013-09-07T07:51:31Z

Holy shit! The past 24 hours have been so crazy. First Padraig told me he never wanted to talk to me again and I was so fucking broken that I spent most of yesterday trying not to break down. But when my case manager Lene showed up, it was all I could do to just breathe and talk to her. For a good fifteen minutes I couldn't even tell her what was wrong and she played the yes-no guessing game with me trying to figure it out. She figured some of it out that way, but eventually I had to explain a bit. It felt so bad. She prescribed me Disney movies and Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Therapy. She even had me call my mom to get the ice cream while she was still at my house.

About thirty minutes after she left singsingasong, who by the way wanted to kill Padraig by this point, txt'd and asked me to do sbux with her. I, of course, agreed. I thought it'd be good therapy and Lene would have added that to my "prescription" if she'd still been there. Not long after that, I'd say within five minutes of singsingasong's txt, I got a Facebook message from Padraig. I was so fucking scared to look at it, but I did, and what it said had my heart simultaneously in my throat and skipping a beat with joy all at once.

Before I tell you what Padraig's message said, I should probably admit to sending him two FB messages after he told me to never speak to him again. And this is what they said…

•••••
Message One: (2:30am) Know the saddest part of it all? If you were to come to me tomorrow, or even five seconds from now, and apologized, I would accept your apology. I'd forgive you in a heartbeat.

Message Two: (11:19am) What's even more pathetic is that you wouldn't even have to apologize.

•••••

Now back to Padraig's message. The first thing he did was say he was so sorry for being such a brutal asshole. Then he proceeded to explain how he'd been drunk and even though that's what was going on, it wasn't an excuse. He told me I didn't need to accept his apology but he just wanted to put it out there. He also said that I mean a lot to him and he couldn't stand to not have us be in each other's lives. But the thing that scared me and made my heart leap into my throat was the fact that he'd gotten drunk. He's been sober for two years because his drinking made him extremely ill, like almost cost him his life. He was told that if he ever drank again it'd probably kill him. Please put one and two together because I can't bear to type it. My eyes are watering just thinking about it. Fuck. I love this kid so much and if he had died… I don't know what I would have done, especially with how things had ended before his apology.

After about five minutes of just staring in shock at my computer screen, I finally replied to him. The first thing I said was, like I said last night, I'll forgive you in a heartbeat. Then I told him if he ever did it again to just tell me he's drunk because I don't think I could ever handle that kind of brutality from him again. I told him he means the world to me.

We're okay now. He's going to go to AA, said he was going to go last night in fact. singsingasong still wants to beat the shit out of him. She said after she did that, she was going to take him to AA and then a dharma talk. I love that she cares about me so much she'd kick the shit out of him for hurting me. I mean, I was so fucking hurt that I worried her, making her think that I could possibly be so upset that I might hurt myself or wind up in the hospital. I have to admit that if this had been six years ago… I wouldn't have hesitated to slice up my arms. But it's not six years ago. I'm not going back to that kind of coping skill.

In the end, it's been a very emotional roller coaster type of twenty-four hours. And the subject of this post? It's something that Padraig told me today. We're both broken and maybe we'll help each other get fixed. *shrug* Who knows.

I'm just so eternally grateful that he's okay and he's speaking to me again. I honestly don't know what I would have done if he had died, I fucking love him. He's my world.

My mom and I had Chinese for dinner and my fortune was perfect and made me instantly think, Padraig. It said, "Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you."

Well, I've got about 3 hours till I have to get up to take the dog out. Must get some more sleep. Until next time…

xoxo,
amanda: jaclyn's ~~twin~~ sister♥

Hearts are meant to be broken.

2013-09-06T05:52:50Z

My last post was of me admitting I was in love with Padraig… I don't even know what to write tonight, except that I have no fucking clue anymore.

Maybe I should have listened when Padraig said he was an asshole. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. It seems like no matter what I get my hopes up about, they always get crushed to dust. With Padraig it was no different.

I should have known that I'm too fucking damaged to be with. I should have known that if he really knew me, he wouldn't want me. I haven't let myself cry about this, but now as I type this, I can't stop the tears from falling. I'm broken.

I love him. I want him. But I'm me and I can never have what I want. I don't even know what I did wrong; he won't tell me.

I want so badly to just delete him from Facebook, but I can't. I just… I don't want to believe its over before it even began. My chest physically hurts, there's an actual ache. It probably doesn't help my emotions that I'm on steroids for a Crohn's flare up. They're doing weird things to my emotions even though they're supposed to basically be a lighter version of prednisone without the side affects. I'm also hormonal from pms so I doubt that's helping either.

I just wish he'd tell me what I did. I'd fucking apologize if I needed to. I don't know what went wrong and that's the hardest part.

I love him and he broke me. But if he suddenly decided to talk to me again… I'd jump on that. I wouldn't hold whatever this is against him. I just want to wake up tomorrow and realize this was all a dream.

I love him, but only on my own…
from Les Miserables

amanda: jaclyn's ~~twin~~ sister

With a Little Help From My Friends

2013-08-26T02:48:08Z

So today I had two, count 'em two, of my closest friends tell me I'm in love with Padraig. And you know what? I hate when my friends are right. Fuckers.

Thing is, until singsingasong said it—as she's my bestest and closest friend—I didn't want to admit it. But tonight she said, Obvi you're in love. To which I replied, Fuck. You think so? Then singsingasong said, smitten, obsessed, "in love" whatever you call it lol yes! And she is so fucking right. I am smitten-obsessed-in-love with Padraig Murphy.

There. I admitted it.

Truth is, he tells me he's going to ruin me and I always tell him that he won't. He loves when we disagree. I think part of the reason we get along so well is that we're both broken. And I think sometimes it's hard for him to hear that I care about him. His last girlfriend broke his heart after four years. It kills me to know what she did to him and I wish I could just tear into her for it.

Anyway, I wish I could tell him how I feel, but he's not answering texts right now. Knowing him, I'll get a message at three in the morning when he can't sleep. And knowing me, I'll wake up not long after because I'll have my phone lying on my chest with it on vibrate. I really hope he texts me before I go to bed and or fall asleep. I don't want to wait until tomorrow, but I will if I have to.

Padraig makes me ridiculously happy and… it's kind of scary and exciting all at once. I'm scared shitless at being physical with him. But on the other hand, I want it to be him that I have my first post-trauma kiss with and whatever else that may come along. Getting a message from him is always the highlight of my day. It's crazy, but in a good way =)

Now I'm going to go eat some Cherry Twizzler bites and then it'll be time for bed.

xoxo
amanda: jaclyn's ~~twin~~ sister ♥

Boys, boys, boys…

2013-08-23T02:46:17Z

So it's been a while. But here's a little update type thing. There's a guy; a cute, talented, funny, grumpy guy who makes me have all kinds of feels. And he likes me, too.

Do you know how long it's been since a guy was interested in me? Since I was fifteen. When I was raped. I haven't let anyone be interested in me since, no matter how much I felt for them.

But Padraig is different. He's a self-proclaimed asshole, but he's really not. I mean, he has his moments just like anyone. But for the most part, he's sweet and nice and I really like him.

It scares me.

But then there are days like today. Normally we text every five minutes, unless he's at work—he's a chef. On his days off, I basically have to leave my phone plugged in all day or else it'll die five times over. But today I've heard from him once and he seemed grumpy. I haven't heard from him since.

It's sort of complicated, but he was going to go on a date with this chick. I kind of wonder if he went on that date tonight. But then he texted me. And it was grumpy and now I'm just confused. He knows how I feel about the date, which is to say he knows I hate the idea of him going out with someone else. But we worked through it.

*sigh* I guess I just don't know what to do and my friends aren't any help right now since they're not answering my texts.

It's too soon to say that I love him—we're not even dating. (did I mention I've known him for years?) But he makes me happy, so happy. Happier than I've been in forever. And I miss him when we haven't talked. It sucks because he lives in another city and he doesn't have a car and I don't have a license.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I just needed to vent a bit. I want to text him, but I'm not sure he wants me to. It's sad and frustrating. But mostly sad. I lub him.

xo
amanda: jaclyn's ~~twin~~ sister

Two Days Overdue

2013-07-27T03:30:03Z

So this post should have been written on Wednesday. But I'm writing it now, on Friday night. This is re: the worst day ever post.

Basically, I had my financial aid suspended because I wasn't meeting the Satisfactory Academic Progress guidelines by only having a 50% credit completion rate. Apparently you need a 67%. But my GPA is a 3.67 so that's above the 2.0 I needed. But because I didn't meet one of the criteria, they pulled my funding and I had to withdraw from the class I was taking—or pay the 964$ out of pocket to continue in class.

I had 14 days to write an appeal. On the 14th day I finally got the letter from my doctor telling them that my narcolepsy treatment had caused some problems and the new treatment was working without side effects so my narcolepsy wouldn't be a problem. I sent in my appeal letter, along with the doctor's note and an academic plan.

A week or so later I asked my advisor when he thought the committee would get back to me and he emailed saying I needed to change some things on my academic plan that were wrong. Once I did that and sent it back in (a week ago Thursday) he told me that the SAP committee would review my appeal in full on Wednesday (this past week).

So on Wednesday I got word that the committee APPROVED my appeal and my funding was reinstated yesterday. I am now signed up for terms 1 and 2. I'll be taking the class I had to drop from in June which is intro to creative writing and intro to psych after that.

I'm so excited that I'll finally be going back to school! The only thing is that I'll be on financial aid probation until I finish my academic plan, which is worrisome, but I'll manage.

So that's my update on that.

Goodnight. ♥

amanda: jaclyn's ~~twin~~ sister

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Eleven

2013-07-22T19:31:38Z

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (11/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 (over all)
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: none
Word Count: 881
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

Chapter Ten // Chapter Eleven

Kris didn’t really see Adam after the show, not even when he was signing for the fans. To Kris’ surprise though, a lot of them told Kris how brave he was for announcing on stage that he was in love with Adam and that they hoped everything worked out for him. They also told him that if people hated him because of his sexuality, they weren’t people he needed because there would always be the true fans that loved him no matter what. That’s when Kris realized that he had the greatest fans in the world and that no matter what happened with Adam, they’d be there for him.

When Kris got to his hotel room that night, he immediately dropped his bags to the ground and before he could even turn on the lights, there was someone flying at him and wrapping their arms around him. It only took him a moment to know who it was and his moment of fear was gone in a flash. “Adam,” he whispered. The overhead light flicked on and Kris looked up into Adam’s tearstained face. He frowned. “Don’t cry.”

“I can’t help it,” Adam said quietly. “What you did tonight…” He shook his head. He looked down into Kris’ face and carded a hand through his hair. “You came out to thousands of people tonight and… you did that for me.”

Kris nodded. “I did.”

“Why, Kris? Why would you do that?”

“Because I needed you to know that without you I’m completely miserable and I’d do anything to have you back. Even go out on that stage and do the one thing I was most scared to do.”

Adam pressed his forehead to Kris’. “That means a lot to me you know.”

“I know.”

“You really do love me, don’t you?”

“More than I could ever explain.”

“I want you to know that I feel the same way about you, too. I love you so much and the past few days have just… my heart literally ached.”

Kris took Adam by the hand and walked him over to the bed where they sat down on the edge. “You know, you were hiding it pretty well. I thought you were doing fine without me.”

“I didn’t want you to know how much I was hurting,” Adam explained. “But I was crying myself to sleep every night.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“But it is,” Kris insisted. “I’m the one who was too scared about… everything. I’m the one that basically pushed you away and didn’t fight you tooth and nail when you left.”

“You were scared.”

“I was, but that’s no excuse. I don’t run from things worth fighting for and you are so worth it. You are worth fighting till the death for, Adam, no matter what.”

“Does that mean we can stop being miserable now?”

“Only if that means you can forgive me and want to be with me again.”

Adam laughed lightly. “Of course I forgive you, Krissy. That song… I’ve never heard it before. Who’s it by?”

Kris blushed. “Uh, I wrote it.”

Adam’s eyes went wide. “Really?”

Kris nodded.

Adam grinned. “That’s definitely going on the album, you know that, right?”

Kris smiled shyly. “You think so?”

“Of course! The fans will absolutely die if you put it on there!”

The couple lapsed into silence, neither knowing what to say. Kris looked around the room for a minute, noticing that Adam’s bags were over by the dresser. He turned to him and said, “You brought your bags with you?”

Adam blushed and nodded shyly. “I was kind of hoping I could stay with you again.”

Kris kissed Adam softly. “Of course. You didn’t honestly think I was going to kick you out after that huge risk I took, did you?”

Adam shrugged. “I was hoping you wouldn’t.”

Kris kicked off his shoes and Adam did the same. Then he lay back against the pillows and pulled Adam down with him. Adam curled into Kris’ side, his head resting on Kris’ chest. Kris combed his fingers through Adam’s hair and sighed in contentment. This is how he wanted to spend every night, curled up in bed with Adam and he told him so.

Adam lifted his head to look at Kris, a smile on his face. “Don’t worry, you will.”

Kris raised an eyebrow and Adam moved up so they were nose to nose. “I love you, Kris, and I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you, too, and I promise that neither of us will have to hide anymore.” Then he kissed Adam softly on the mouth. “Love you,” he said again.

“Love you, too.”

Then they both got ready for bed. They slid between the sheets and curled around each other, holding on tightly as if their lives depended on it. “I’ll never let you go like that again,” Kris whispered.

“You were scared,” Adam said

“Doesn’t matter, because I’ll always fight for you.”

“You better.”

“I’d rather be hated for who I am.”

“Really?”

Kris nodded. “Yes, if it means I get to have you then yes.”

The couple shared a sweet kiss before they both closed their eyes and fell asleep. Tomorrow was another hectic day, one that they would share together.

...The End...

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Ten

2013-07-22T19:21:37Z

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (10/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 (over all)
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: none
Word Count: 1,114 (not including lyrics)
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

SONG CREDIT
Song: Written All Over My Face
Artist: Kris Allen
Album: Kris Allen

Chapter Ten

Adam and Kris didn’t talk for the next few days and they didn’t share a hotel room. To Kris, Adam seemed to be doing just fine without him. But it was another story for Kris. He was completely miserable and there was nothing he could do about it. When they were in Little Rock, Kris took his family out to lunch. No one brought up the subject of the tabloid, and Kris couldn’t tell if they were being polite or if they just hadn’t seen it. He tried to act happy to see them, but his heart just wasn’t in it. He knew they could tell something was wrong and whenever they asked, he just dismissed it as being tired from being on the road. He was glad when no one pushed the issue. But when he was saying goodbye, his mom hugged him and whispered in his ear. “If you won’t tell your family what’s wrong, at least talk to Katy. She hasn’t heard from you in a while and I know she’d like to hear your voice.” And that was it she said nothing else.

That’s how Kris found himself in a quiet corner of the venue after sound check with his phone to his ear, waiting for Katy to pick up. Just before it was about to go to voicemail, Katy finally answered. “Kris! Hey!”

The corner of Kris’ mouth turned up slightly in the hint of a smile. “Hey, Katy.”

“You’re in Little Rock, right?”

“Yep.”

“Have you seen your family?”

“Yeah, and Mama told me to call you.”

There was a pause on the line then Katy spoke again. “Something’s wrong, isn’t it?”

Kris sighed deeply and apparently that was all the answer Katy needed.

“Talk to me, Kris,” she said. “What’s going on? Are you and Adam fighting?”

“Not exactly. We uh, we kind of broke up.”

Kris heard Katy gasp through the phone. “Oh no, Kris! What happened?”

As soon as Kris started to explain, the words just poured from his lips, spilling out until the tears began to fall. “I don’t know what to do,” he whispered.

“I’m so sorry,” Katy said.

“And it’s like he’s doing just fine and I’m feeling the complete opposite of that. I’m so fucking miserable.”

“Why don’t you tell him that?”

“Because I don’t want to beg him to come back to me.”

“I never said to beg him. Just go talk to him. You said neither of you has spoken a word to each other. You don’t know, he might be feeling as bad as you are and he’s just a lot better at hiding it.”

Kris thought about it a moment. Adam had hid his feelings for Kris for such a long time and Kris had never guessed. Maybe he is good at hiding how he feels. “You might be right,” Kris said after a while.

“Then go talk to him. Tell him exactly how you feel.”

“What if he doesn’t want to talk to me?”

“He doesn’t need to talk, Kris, just get him to listen.”

A moment later Kris and Katy said their goodbyes and hung up. Kris had decided he’d try talking to Adam and if that didn’t work, he was going to make him listen. He was going to make Adam see exactly what was in his heart. He knew how to do it, but he was scared of the plan he had thought up. It involved coming out, being completely vulnerable, and in front of thousands of people. If this didn’t win him Adam again, he wasn’t sure anything would.

****

Later that day, as Kris was aimlessly walking around the venue, he ran into Adam. They both just stared at each other for a second, not saying a word. Then Adam made a move to turn around and Kris grabbed him by the wrist. “Don’t go,” he said quietly. Adam didn’t move. “Can we talk? Please?”

Adam turned around and looked at Kris, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “I don’t think there’s anything to really talk about.”

“If… if you don’t want to talk, could you at least listen?” Kris gave Adam the most pleading look he had, but Adam shook his head.

“No, there’s nothing you need to say that I need to hear.”

Kris’ shoulders slumped. “Fine,” he said quietly and let Adam walk away. He knew what he had to do now and he was scared. But it may be the only way he could get Adam back, or at the very least, get him to listen. Kris ran his hands through his hair and headed to the bus. He needed to get his plan in order so he’d be able to execute it just perfectly at the show that night.

****

Kris watched Adam perform from the wings. He was anxious about his set coming up, anxious that Adam wouldn’t stay to watch and hear what he had to say. So as soon as Adam came off stage, Kris grabbed him by the wrist. Adam gave him a hard look. “Please stay,” Kris said. “You wouldn’t at least listen to me earlier, so please stay and hear what I have to say.”

Adam’s eyebrows went up in surprise and he nodded. “Okay, I’ll stay.”

Kris gave him a weak smile then it was time for him to head out to the stage.

Kris sang all his regular songs. But when it came time for his last song of the night, he decided to change it up, decided to sing a song he had written that he’d never played for anyone before. He sat down on a stool with his acoustic guitar and looked over to where he’d left Adam standing. Thankfully, he was still there. With a deep breath, Kris began to speak. “I messed up,” he said. “I hurt someone that I care about very much.”

The audience went dead silent at that moment.

“I’ve been in love with Adam since the moment we met.”

This time there was a collective gasp and also some cheers that made Kris blush and the corners of his mouth turn up just slightly.

“But I was scared, too scared, of coming out. I wanted to be liked for who I wasn’t, instead of being hated for who I actually am. So tonight, I’m going to tell the truth and the truth is… I can’t say sorry enough times to make up for what I’ve done. I can’t take back what I’ve said. All I can really do is play this song and hope Adam knows what I’m trying to say. So… this one’s for him.” Then Kris began to play.

“I always played you songs to say what I never could. Other people say it better, say it better than I would. But for every word left unsaid, I thought you understood. It was easier to kiss you than to tell you how I feel. Oh and I don’t want to lose you, but you can’t see that through your tears. You’re saying that I hurt you, but I had no idea…

“I’m doing my best to make it, but you don’t believe, believe that I am. Just ‘cause you say it’s so, doesn’t make it so. Singing I don’t show what I’m feeling for you. I’d rather shut my mouth than to spell it out. There’s no doubt when it’s written all over my face.

“What you want me to say that I don’t say? What you want when it’s written all over my face? If you want we can talk about it all day. But what’s to say when it’s written all over my face?”

Kris turned to look at the stage wings and saw Adam still standing there, but he wasn’t close enough to make out what his expression was. So he just kept singing his heart out, hoping that Adam understood.

“There’s nothing wrong but communication. It’s just a problem of our own creation. Sometimes love gets lost in translation. What you want me to say that I don’t say? What you want when it’s written all over my face? If you want we could talk about it all day. But what’s to say when it’s written all over my face? All over my face, all over my face. When it’s written all over my face, all over my face.

“There’s nothing wrong but communication. It’s just a problem of our own creation. Sometimes love gets lost in translation…”

Kris thanked the audience and walked off stage, but Adam was nowhere to be seen.

****

Chapter Nine // Chapter Eleven...

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Nine

2013-07-22T19:14:26Z

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (09/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 (over all)
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: strong language
Word Count: 2,431
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

Chapter Nine

It was a little over a month later, when the tour was half over, that the shit hit the fan. Adam and Kris had gone to a club with some of the other Idols. They had gotten a bit tipsy and weren’t being quite so careful about hiding their relationship from the public eye. When they awoke the next morning, it was to a pounding on their hotel room door.

Adam groaned and shoved his head under his pillow. “Did you forget to put the Do Not Disturb on the door?”

“Fuck, I can’t remember,” said Kris, his head pounding to the rhythm of the fist beating on their door. He stumbled from the bed and almost opened the door before realizing he was completely naked. “Shit.” He went to his duffle and grabbed a pair of sweatpants, calling out to whoever was still trying to knock down the door. “We’re awake! You can stop now!”

A second later the pounding stopped and Kris wrenched open the door. Allison was standing on the other side holding a tabloid paper up right in front of Kris’ face. Plastered on the front was a photo of Kris and Adam outside the club involved in a very passionate kiss, one that Kris remembered clearly. “Where did you get that?” He asked slowly.

Allison pushed passed him into the room and he shut the door. “I found it down in the lobby! What were you two thinking? I thought you wanted to keep this to yourselves?”

From the bed, Adam groaned and lifted his head. “Could you keep it down, Alli? My head hurts.”

Allison tossed the paper onto the bed where Adam could see it and said, “I’ll keep it down when you two figure out what you’re going to do. There’s obviously no hiding it now.”

Adam sat up as he looked at the tabloid, making sure to keep covered by the blankets. He ran a hand through his hair and cursed under his breath. Then he lifted his gaze, searching out Kris. He was on the other side of the room in a chair, his face ghostly white. “Kris?”

Kris’ head shot up, his eyes focusing on Adam.

“Are you okay?” Adam asked.

Kris rubbed the back of his neck. “I uh, I’m not…” He looked at Allison. “Can you give us some time alone?”

Allison nodded and silently went to the door. With her hand on the knob, she turned back to her friends and gave them a small smile. “You’ll be okay, guys. The fans will stand behind you and so will the rest of the Idols. We love you.” Then she was out the door.

Adam pulled on his boxer-briefs from the night before and walked over to Kris, kneeling in front of him. “Babe, are you okay?”

“What are we gonna do?” Kris asked, turning shining eyes on Adam.

Adam frowned, placing the paper on the floor, and wiped at a tear that dripped down Kris’ face. “Why are you crying? Is the tabloid really that upsetting?”

Kris clasped his hands together between his knees as he leaned forward on his elbows. He shook his head and said, “This isn’t how I wanted people to find out.” Then his eyes went wide. “Fuck! My parents! This is not how I wanted them to find out.” He hung his head again, his shoulders slumping. “They’re gonna be pissed that I didn’t tell them about us.”

“You seriously haven’t told your mom?”

“No.” Kris sighed. “I wanted to surprise them… well, mostly I wanted to surprise my mama with it. I wanted to take them out to dinner or something when we’re in Little Rock and we could tell them then.”

Adam smiled. “We can still do that. Granted, it won’t be a surprise anymore, but we could still take them to dinner.”

“It’s not the same.”

They were silent for a few minutes. Then Adam ran his hand through Kris’ hair. “Babe…” He licked at his lips. “What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”

Kris lifted his head to look at his boyfriend. “I’m scared, Adam.”

“Of what?”

“Of the backlash, the fans, the reporters. And what about Katy? They’re going to hound her! No one knows we even broke up! I mean, look at the headline on that thing!”

Adam grabbed the magazine he’d set down beside him on the floor. There it was, in big letters across the front, a headline proclaiming Kris to be cheating on Katy with a man. And not just any man, with Adam.

Adam sighed and tossed the trashy paper away. “Katy knows you’re not together. You both know you’re not a cheater. I know you’re not a cheater. Isn’t that what matters most?”

Kris shook his head and shrugged. “I don’t know.” He paused. “I don’t want the fans to think I’m some scummy guy that cheats on his high school sweetheart.”

“As long as you and Katy tell the truth about when you broke up, I doubt they’ll believe the cheating story. Especially when we say we’ve only been together for six weeks.”

Kris didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. He was overwhelmed with this sudden feeling of dread, like everything he and Adam had built together was now doomed.

Finally Adam tugged on Kris’ hands, pulling him into his lap. He hugged Kris close and kissed his hair. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

“You don’t know that,” Kris said stubbornly as he rested his chin on Adam’s shoulder.

“Yes, I do. We have each other and I know Katy’s got your back as well as the rest of the Idols. We’ll be okay.”

“I need some time to think,” Kris whispered as he drew back from their embrace. Then he stood and grabbed up some clothes and his toiletry bag and headed for the bathroom.

****

Kris took his time in the shower, washing the smell of sweat, booze and sex off of his skin as he thought about what they could do about the mess that had been made. He needed to call Katy and make sure she was all right; he also needed to call his parents. Their tour manager was probably going to want them to explain what was going on. The public relations people were probably going to have to be notified to try to smooth over the whole cheating story. Kris felt like he was screwed, like nothing he could say or do would repair what was no doubt happening to his reputation right this minute. He shuddered to think about what was going on in the land of Twitter right now. At least the ‘Kradam’ fans would be happy… at least he hoped they would be.

When he had finished in the shower, he dried off and got dressed. He found Adam, dressed in an old t-shirt and sweats, sitting on the bed, nursing a cup of coffee. Kris couldn’t help feeling a little guilty at the way he’d left things before getting in the shower. He hadn’t even asked Adam how he felt about what was happening.

Kris tossed his toiletry bag and sweats in the direction of his duffle bag and climbed up on the bed with Adam. He sat close to Adam, rested his head on his shoulder and hoped that he would put an arm around him and pull him in close. But he didn’t. Adam just continued to sit there, staring at nothing, as he sipped his coffee. “Adam?”

Adam grunted in response and brought his mug to his lips.

Kris knotted his fingers together, his stomach feeling as if it was tied in knots, too. “Are you mad at me?” He whispered, finding that he couldn’t make his voice any louder.

Adam scrubbed a hand over his face. “Not exactly,” he grumbled.

When he didn’t say anything else, Kris rolled his eyes and sat up against the headboard. “Care to elaborate?”

“Not really.”

Now Kris frowned. What had happened since he’d been in the shower? “Are you okay? Did I do something from inside the bathroom that I’m not aware of?” He tried to make light of the situation, but if the way Adam’s body tensed in just the slightest was any indication, it wasn’t working. “Come on, Adam, talk to me.”

“It’s just… you’re freaking out about this whole thing.”

“Well… yeah, I am. I didn’t exactly want everyone to find out because we’re plastered across the paper by some paps. Especially not when we were being so… intimate.”

Adam gave Kris a look. “We were only kissing. It’s not like I haven’t done anything way more intimate than that in public.”

Kris crossed his arms over his chest with a frown. “Maybe you have, but I’ve never had my tongue down someone’s throat where anyone could see before.” He looked down at his lap, stretching his legs out in front of him and crossing them at the ankle. “I’ve always been very private when it comes to displays of affection. I mean, yeah, I’ll hold someone’s hand or peck them on the lips or whatever, but what we were doing?” He shook his head. “There’s something about you that just makes me… I don’t know, lose all my inhibition.” Then a lot more softly he said, “You make me fearless.”

“I do?” Adam asked quietly.

Kris nodded and chewed at his thumb nail. This whole conversation was making him uneasy. He’d never admitted to anyone how carefree Adam made him feel, not even to himself, and confessing it was making him feel like he’d just bared some secret part of his soul.

“I didn’t know that,” Adam said, his voice still soft and quiet.

“Well, now you do,” Kris muttered. He hated this vulnerable feeling that he’d given himself. It wasn’t something he’d ever really experienced before and now that he was, he wished he could go somewhere and hide.

“I hate that you feel like we can’t be affectionate in public,” Adam whispered.

Kris turned to look at him, his jaw slack. “I never said that!”

“That’s the way it sounded to me. You just… like, you said you’re not into PDAs really and I just… I like to do stuff like blowjobs in a bathroom stall and…” Adam threw his hands up like he didn’t know what else to say.

“You wonder how we can be a match made in Heaven?” Kris asked.

Adam chewed at his lower lip and nodded. “Yeah…”

“Are you… are you saying you don’t want to be with me?”

“What? No! I didn’t say that!”

“That’s how it sounded to me.”

Adam’s face took on a pinched look. “I just… how are we supposed to make this work when you’re horrified because we wound up on the front page of a paper making out?”

“That’s… that’s not what horrified me,” Kris said quietly and brought his thumb back to his mouth to chew on.

“Babe, stop that.” Adam pulled gently at Kris’ wrist, tugging his thumb out from between his teeth. He sandwiched Kris’ hand with his own and said, “You’re going to hurt yourself and you won’t be able to play your guitar.”

Kris pouted and they sat in silence for a moment.

“So, what was it that horrified you?” Adam asked.

“I don’t know how to explain it,” Kris said.

“Try.”

Kris lifted his hand to his mouth and Adam grabbed that one, too, so now he had both of Kris’ hands sandwiched between his own. “No biting,” he said firmly.

“Sorry,” Kris mumbled.

“Now tell me, what freaked you out?”

Kris sighed and let his head thump back against the headboard. “It’s like… they got this picture of us in this heated kiss and we were in the shadows, trying to be safe. Granted, it was still outside in the open, but…” He took his hand back from Adam and ran it through his hair. “It’s like they stole something, like they stole a piece of my soul or something.”

“Wow… that’s kind of heavy.”

“That’s how it feels… heavy, like they stole what was supposed to be for our eyes only.”

“You feel violated,” Adam stated.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Adam wrapped an arm around Kris and drew him into his side. He kissed Kris’ hair and smoothed his hand over the other side of his head. “We’ll just have to be more careful.”

“No matter how careful we are, there will always be paparazzi trying to get a glimpse of us doing… whatever, it doesn’t matter what.” Kris sighed. “What if it’s too hard?”

“Whattaya mean? What if what’s too hard?”

Kris’ eyes teared up; he didn’t want to voice his fears out loud. “Coming out, what if it’s too hard? What if being together is too hard?”

“Are you… you’re not…” Adam took a deep breath. “You’re not breaking up with me, are you?”

“I… I don’t think so.”

Adam suddenly pulled away from Kris. “You don’t think so? What the fuck does that mean?”

The tears Kris had been holding back suddenly overflowed onto his cheeks. “It means I’m fucking scared! I’m scared of coming out, I’m scared of the backlash this could cause! What if people hate me for this?”

“Who cares what everyone else thinks?” Adam shouted.

“I do!” Kris slapped a hand over his mouth. He couldn’t believe he’d just said that. He honestly hadn’t known that what others thought of him mattered so much. He had thought he’d had more confidence than that.

Adam stared wide-eyed at Kris. “So you’d rather stay in the closet and have people like you for who you aren’t than hate you for who you are?”

“I guess so,” Kris whispered.

“Wow… I guess you aren’t the guy I thought you were.”

“Yeah, I guess not.”

“Maybe we should get separate rooms next hotel stop.”

Kris squeezed his eyes shut as he turned his face down towards his hands. His heart felt like it was being ripped to pieces right now and he knew it was his own fault. “May… maybe we should,” he choked out.

“I’m going to shower and get dressed. Then I’m going to take my things to Allie and Lil’s room. I’ll stay with them until the show.”

Kris could only nod, not trusting his voice at the moment. Then Adam got up and went about getting things ready for his shower. Once he was locked away in the bathroom, Kris curled up on his side, burrowed under the blankets and cried into his pillow.

****

Chapter Eight // Chapter Ten...

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Eight

2013-07-22T19:06:30Z

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (08/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: Strong Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Rimming
Word Count: 3,057
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

Chapter Eight

Adam flipped Kris over and began kissing a trail down his chest.

“Adam,” Kris said quietly, making Adam look up at him. “Are you…?” He made a gesture with his hand towards his boxers.

“I don’t have to take them off if you don’t want me to,” Adam said, answering the unspoken question.

Kris gave him a shy smile. “I want you to though.”

Adam smiled back at him. “You sure?”

Kris nodded and Adam hooked his fingers into the waist band of Kris’ shorts. He slowly slid them down past Kris’ hips and ass, letting his hard cock spring free. Adam dragged the cotton lower until he could pull it off over Kris’ feet and tossed the boxers to the floor.

They were both naked now and Kris would be lying if he said that he wasn’t just a little self-conscious right then. But it was all forgotten as Adam crawled up Kris’ body and lay so their cocks were aligned with each other. Then Adam kissed Kris as he slid his erection against Kris’.

Kris moaned and wrapped his legs around Adam, lifting his hips to Adam’s, needing to feel the pleasure scorching through his veins. “Adam,” he moaned, his head tossing back into the pillow.

“What is it, baby? What do you need?”

Kris whimpered and thrust his hips. “Please.”

“Please what?”

“More,” Kris whimpered. “Just… more.” Adam’s hips stilled and Kris couldn’t help the whine that escaped his lips. “Adam!”

Adam stroked Kris’ cheek lightly. “Look at me, baby. Just look at me for a second.”

Kris lifted his gaze to Adam’s and licked at his dry lips.

Adam brushed a kiss to Kris’ mouth and said, “Are you sure you want this? We don’t have to rush into anything. We’ll have plenty more hotel nights this summer.”

Kris shook his head. “I don’t wanna wait. I need you. Need to feel you.” He ran his hands up Adam’s sides and chest, his fingers pinching and pulling at Adam’s nipples, making him moan.

Adam dove forward, crushing his mouth to Kris’ in a desperate kiss as he rolled his hips down to slide their erections together. Kris moaned loudly around Adam’s tongue, his heels pressing into the round globes of Adam’s ass. “Please,” he whimpered.

Adam drew back, panting, and ran his knuckles down the side of Kris’ face. “Be right back.” Then he was up and off the bed, going over to the duffle he had put in the closet.

Kris watched as Adam dug around in his bag for a moment before making a triumphant noise and holding a bottle of lube and a condom in the air. Then he was rushing back over to the bed and climbing up next to Kris. He grinned when Adam pressed their mouths together in a hot, open-mouthed kiss, tongues battling for dominance that Kris eventually gave over to Adam.

Adam settled between Kris’ spread thighs, grinding his cock against him. They both moaned and panted as they drew apart. Adam sat back on his haunches and motioned to Kris. “Turn over, baby, get on your belly.”

Kris sat up, gave Adam a chaste kiss before turning around to lie on his belly, one leg on either side of Adam.

“Good boy,” Adam purred and kissed the back of Kris’ head. Then he stretched out between Kris’ legs and parted his cheeks.

A shiver of anticipation ran up Kris’ spine at the feeling of Adam’s hands on his ass. He had thought he knew what was going to happen next, but then he felt Adam’s breath ghosting over the sensitive skin between his cheeks and his eyes widened. “Adam…”

“Shh, baby, gonna make you feel so good.” Then the flat of Adam’s tongue was licking a wet stripe over Kris’ entrance, making the muscles quiver and clench and a moan pass through Kris’ lips.

“Adam… again,” Kris whimpered, and Adam obliged. Kris shuddered from his toes to the roots of his hair, a full body wave of pleasure washing over him. He had never imagined having a tongue down there and now that he was feeling it first hand, he wondered how he could have gone so long without trying it.

He whimpered again as the tip of Adam’s tongue circled his entrance, then poked gently at it. He reached up to grip the edge of the mattress tightly in his hands, wishing that he were squeezing Adam’s hands as Adam continued to probe at his ass.

Adam gave a few gentle laps over Kris’ entrance before he gently pushed it inside of Kris, his muscles finally relaxing enough to give Adam’s tongue what it wanted. “Good boy,” Adam murmured. “So good for me.” Then he pressed his tongue inside his lover again, swirling it around inside of him.

Kris moaned loudly, his head tossing back as his thighs spread slutty-wide for Adam, his hips pressing down into the mattress. “Please… more.”

Adam lifted his head to kiss one round ass cheek. “You sure, baby? You sure you’re ready?”

Kris bobbed his head, grinding into the mattress, trying to get some relief for his aching cock. “Please.” It was a desperate plea that fell from his lips, but Kris didn’t care how it made him sound. He was desperate; desperate to feel Adam inside him and on top of him, all around him. He couldn’t believe how turned on he was, how desperate he was for Adam. But it was Adam and he always made Kris want more from him, even when they were just friends it hadn’t been enough.

Kris heard the snick of the lube cap being popped open and he sighed. Finally. Then he felt Adam’s slick finger rubbing gently around his entrance, making him tense up. “Breathe, baby,” Adam said quietly.

Kris pillowed his arms under his head and took a deep breath. He wanted this to be good; he wanted to be relaxed and ready. He was anxious and excited all at once and he was trying to hang on to the excited feeling while pushing away the anxiety. Then Adam pressed the tip of his finger into Kris and the feeling made sparks shoot through Kris’ body, a small whimper leaving his lips. “More,” he pleaded.

“Shh, I’ll get you there, just relax,” Adam told him.

Kris breathed deeply again and when he did, Adam gently slid more of his finger inside him, rubbing it around the inside of his entrance. His toes curled as he moaned Adam’s name. Then he felt Adam kiss his ass cheek as he slowly slid his finger in all the way, giving him exactly what he wanted.

Kris whined and clenched his muscles around Adam’s digit, enjoying the full feeling it was giving him. He groaned loudly as Adam began to work his finger in and out of him, sparks of pleasure going right to his cock. “Adam,” he whined, pressing back against Adam’s hand, wanting the finger to go as deep as possible.

After a few more thrusts, Adam added a second digit and then a third making strings of incoherent words fall from Kris’ lips. Kris couldn’t believe how much he liked the stretch and burn Adam’s fingers were giving him. But what came next was a complete surprise for Kris as Adam slid his digits in deep and crooked them just so making fireworks go off behind Kris’ eyelids. “Fuck!” He cried out, and buried his face in his arms.

“You like?” Adam purred as he leaned over Kris and nibbled gently at his earlobe.

Kris nodded. “Please, more. Need you.”

“Okay, baby, turn over. I wanna see you when we do this,” said Adam as he gently pulled his fingers out.

Kris whimpered at the loss and turned over, his legs on either side of Adam’s hips. He watched as his boyfriend ripped the condom open with his teeth and rolled the latex down his leaking cock. Then he slicked himself up and Kris swallowed nervously. Adam was huge!

It wasn’t like Kris hadn’t known that Adam was more than just well endowed, but now that he was preparing to take it up his own ass, he had to admit he was a little scared. He chewed at his lower lip as Adam leaned over him on one hand, Adam’s other hand resting against his hip. “You okay?” He asked.

Kris shrugged and Adam pulled at his chin, making his lip fall from his mouth. “Talk to me,” Adam said. “Tell me how you’re feeling.”

“A little scared,” Kris admitted quietly.

Adam traced his fingers down the side of Kris’ face and kissed him softly. “I’ll take care of you.”

Kris wrapped his arms around Adam’s neck. “I know and I trust you. But it’s still a little scary.”

Adam’s face softened as he said, “We can stop at any point… you just let me know.”

Kris nodded. “Okay.”

“Just breathe deeply and relax.” Adam pressed on the back of Kris’ knees until Kris pulled them up towards his chest. Then he lined his erection up with Kris’ entrance and pushed forward slowly.

Kris took a deep breath and willed his muscles to relax. He drew Adam close and kissed him, pressing his tongue inside and concentrated on how Adam was kissing him back forcefully, making him moan and his knees hug Adam’s ribs. “Adam,” he whispered against kiss-swollen lips as the head of Adam’s cock finally slipped passed that first tight ring of muscle.

Kris shivered from head to toe, feeling that burning stretch again, but he didn’t care. All that mattered to him was that Adam was finally inside him, even if it was only an inch or two. He felt like he’d been waiting his whole life to be this close with Adam, like this was what he’d been working up to since the moment they met in Hollywood almost a year ago.

Kris moaned as Adam pushed his hips forward a little more, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the slight pain or the pleasure that was mixed with it. “Keep going,” he said when Adam’s hips stilled.

Adam reached up to stroke Kris’ hair. “Don’t worry, baby, I’ve got you.” He kissed Kris lightly. “I’m going to make this so good for you, I promise. Just let me do what I need to do.”

Kris nodded and pulled Adam back in for another kiss. He needed the distraction as Adam slowly worked his way inside of him. He thought if he didn’t have Adam’s mouth against his own, he might go crazy waiting for Adam to slide in all the way. “Please,” he said against Adam’s mouth. “I need you.”

“I know, baby, I know,” Adam purred. He kissed Kris a little while longer then drew back and smiled down at him. “You did so well.”

Kris reached between them and let his hand travel downwards until he could feel where he and Adam connected. He groaned, his eyes closing when he realized that Adam was pressed in deep, his balls pressed tight against his ass. Then he let his legs fall to the mattress as he grabbed the back of Adam’s neck and drew him in close, their foreheads resting together. “I love you, Adam,” he said.

“I love you, too,” Adam replied. “Are you ready?”

Kris nodded, a groan escaping him as Adam gently pulled his hips back. “This okay?” Adam asked as he gently rolled his hips forward again.

“God yes,” Kris sighed, making a grin appear on his lover’s face.

Adam leaned down to kiss Kris, his tongue working its way past Kris’ lips. Kris curled his fingers in Adam’s hair, tugging lightly as Adam moved in and out of him slowly. With each thrust, the burning, stretching sensation lessened until there was nothing but pleasure coursing through Kris. He moaned into Adam’s mouth, his fingers tightening in his hair.

Adam moaned in response, his fingers digging into Kris’ hips as he drew his hips back, pulling out almost completely, before he slid back in with one smooth motion.

Kris threw his head back on a cry of pleasure and he gripped Adam’s shoulders tightly, his short nails leaving little crescent moon shapes in their wake. “Oh, Adam. More… I need more.”

Adam nibbled at the pulse point in Kris’ neck as he grabbed the pillow next to Kris’ head. He shoved it under Kris’ hips, angling them just so before he drew back and thrust in hard.

Kris howled in pleasure as Adam’s cock hit his prostate dead on. “Oh god! Don’t stop! Please don’t stop!”

“I won’t, baby,” Adam said. “I won’t.” Then he picked up his pace, thrusting hard and fast into Kris, and it only took Kris a few moments to begin rocking his hips in time with Adam’s. “So good, baby,” Adam purred against Kris’ neck. “So fucking tight wrapped around me.”

Kris moaned, his legs wrapping around Adam’s hips as if they had a mind of their own. He dug his heels into Adam’s backside, urging him to thrust deeper. Kris wanted Adam to feel as good as he was beginning to feel. He wanted Adam to feel so good that he’d never want to even look at another man. Kris just wanted to please Adam.

He drew Adam in for a sloppy kiss as their bodies slid together, soaked with sweat. It was hard to keep their mouths together as they panted, their breathing coming hard and fast, the harder they worked to get off. “Adam, Adam, Adam,” Kris chanted.

Adam slid his nose along Kris’ jaw and said, “What do you want? Tell me what you want and I’ll make it happen.”

“I… I don’t know,” Kris said. “I just… more. I need more, more of you.”

Adam kissed him hard and snaked his hand between them, his fingers wrapping tightly around Kris’ dick. “How’s this?” He asked as he began to stroke him in time to his thrusts.

Kris groaned, his head pressing back into the pillow, his back arching as he thrust into Adam’s fist. “Oh god yes. Please, Adam.”

“You’re okay,” Adam said against Kris’ jaw. “I’ll get you there, I promise. Just relax and let me do all the work.”

“Please, harder.”

Adam fucked into Kris harder, moved his fist faster and swiped his thumb over the tip making Kris wail, a high-pitched desperate noise.

“So close… are… are you?” He lifted his head to look at his lover.

Adam nodded.

“I wanna come at the same time,” Kris said as he panted.

Adam grinned, then he began to thrust in earnest, his cock hitting Kris’ prostate over and over.

“Oh god, oh god!”

Adam leaned close to Kris’ ear, tonguing the lobe and giving it a hard nip. “Come on, baby, need you to come now. Just let go.” Then he gave a particularly hard thrust, grinding into Kris’ pleasure point.

Kris cried out, his back arching like a bow as he came all over Adam’s hand and their bellies. His muscles clenched hard around Adam’s cock and Adam sped up his thrusts as he neared the edge. With one more hard thrust, he was over the edge and came hard, filling the condom as he continued to pump into Kris.

Now feeling completely boneless, Kris pulled Adam in for a lazy kiss. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you, too,” Adam replied softly. His hips slowed and finally came to stop. He gently lowered himself down onto Kris’ body and held onto him tightly as they tried to calm their racing hearts.

Kris carded his hand through Adam’s sweat-dampened hair and kissed his head.

Then they let silence blanket them as Adam rolled off Kris. He left the room and Kris could hear the faucet running in the bathroom and knew Adam was cleaning up. Then Adam came back, carrying a washcloth that he then used to wipe the mess from Kris’ belly. He tossed the rag towards the bathroom before lying down beside Kris and pulling the blankets over them.

Kris turned over, wincing slightly at the soreness in his backside, and curled into Adam’s side. “You okay?” Adam asked as he wrapped an arm around Kris’ back, the other curling under his head.

Kris sighed quietly and said, “A little sore, but I kind of like it.”

“Kinky,” Adam teased, earning a bite to his nipple from Kris. He moaned quietly and gripped Kris’ hair. “Come ‘ere.” Then he pulled Kris in for a deep kiss.

Kris moaned and kissed Adam thoroughly, his tongue tracing over every available surface. When he drew back from the kiss, he smiled at Adam before laying his head on his chest.

Adam stroked Kris’ hair lightly. “So… was it everything you expected it to be?”

Kris snuggled further into Adam’s side, smiling to himself. “No.” He paused. “It was nothing at all like I expected.”

“Oh?”

“It was pretty much…” Kris paused, trying to figure out exactly how to explain what he was feeling. “I expected it to be awkward and uncomfortable and just… not all that good.”

“Okay…” Adam said slowly.

“I don’t mean that I thought you wouldn’t be any good. I just mean, after hearing about your first experience, I thought… well, I thought it would be sort of the same for me.”

Adam turned his face to kiss Kris’ head. “It’s because I love you,” he said. “I wanted to take care of you and make it the best experience possible.”

Kris lifted his head to look at Adam and he had the brightest, yet shyest, smile on his face. “I just… it was better than anything I could have imagined.”

“Does that mean you’ll want to do it again?”

Kris laughed and gave Adam his most predatory look. “Mm, you know it.” Then he leaned up to kiss Adam slowly, his tongue lapping lovingly at Adam’s. “I love you so much.”

“I know and I love you just as much… always have, always will.”

Kris pecked Adam’s mouth and snuggled back into him. “Nap time now.”

“Okay, baby.”

“Get some rest,” Kris murmured. “I expect round two after lunch.”

Adam chuckled and brushed a kiss to Kris’ hair. Then they closed their eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

****

Chapter Seven // Chapter Nine...

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Seven

2013-07-22T19:00:45Z

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (07/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: Strong Language, Explicit Sexual Content
Word Count: 2,189
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

Chapter Seven

After their confessions, Adam decided to take a shower. While he cleaned up, Kris moved their food cart out to the hall to be taken back to the kitchen. Then he sprawled out on the bed with the TV remote and began to flip through the channels on cable. He wrinkled his nose at all the talk shows and daytime soaps that were on. Daytime TV sucks. But then he landed on a marathon of “Bones” and decided to stick with it, even though he’d seen just about every episode that had ever aired.

About half way through the episode, Adam came out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel, steam following him out of the bathroom. Kris looked over at him and swallowed when he saw how little Adam was wearing. Adam grinned at Kris, his hair still damp, as Kris gave him a shy smile. “We have the room all to ourselves for the entire day,” he stated.

“Yes, we do,” Kris agreed, sitting up from where he’d still been sprawled on his stomach.

Adam sat down on the edge of the mattress and ran a hand through Kris’ hair. “What do you think we should do with all this free time?”

Kris blushed. Even though he was still a tad nervous, Kris hoped Adam was implying what he was hoping Adam was implying. “I dunno. What do you think we should do?”

Adam’s grin widened. “Oh, I think you know what I want to do.” He leaned in to run his nose along Kris’ jaw. “I think we should just see what happens.”

A shudder ran through Kris as he whimpered, needing to feel the soft touch of Adam’s lips against his own. “Please.”

“Please what?”

“Please kiss me.”

“Good boy.” Then Adam pressed his mouth to Kris’, both of them moaning as their tongues slid together.

Kris wrapped his arms around Adam’s neck, tried to pull him closer, but with Adam’s legs still hanging over the edge of the bed, it didn’t work. He made a dissatisfied noise in his throat and Adam swung his legs up onto the mattress and pulled Kris into his lap. Kris moaned low in his throat. He wanted to feel Adam against his body, all of him, like one big blanket of freckled heat.

He slid his hands down from Adam’s neck, his palms splaying over Adam’s broad back, so soft and warm. He moaned into Adam’s mouth and tipped his head to the side to deepen the kiss. “Need you,” he murmured against kiss-swollen lips.

Adam pecked Kris’ mouth and gently pushed him from his lap. Without any prompting, Kris crawled up towards the headboard, resting back against the pillows. Adam made his way up to Kris, straddled his hips and leaned down to kiss him. “I love you, Krissy,” Adam whispered as he looked deep into Kris’ eyes.

Kris smiled. “I love you, too.” Then their mouths came together in an all too sweet kiss that left them both breathless. Adam made a trail of kisses along Kris’ jaw and down to his neck. Kris moaned quietly and drew Adam in again, their mouths crushing together desperately.

Kris slid his hands down the back of Adam’s towel and gripped his ass hard as he rolled his own hips up to meet Adam’s. They moaned in unison as their growing erections rubbed together, the friction sending a delicious current of electricity up their spines. Kris whimpered and rolled his hips again, needing that electric feeling again, never wanting it to end.

Suddenly Adam rolled them so Kris was on top of him. He looked up into Kris’ eyes and stroked his cheek lightly. “Where do you want this to go, I mean, how far?” He asked.

Kris’ eyes went wide. “I… I don’t know.”

“We don’t have to have sex the first time around,” Adam told him. Then with a smile he said, “Remember, we have an eternity to get there.”

Kris’ heart swelled with love and he leaned down to press a soft kiss to his boyfriend’s mouth. “An eternity is an awfully long time.”

Adam shrugged. “Well… yeah. I don’t want to go too fast. I want us both to be ready when we take that step.”

Kris rested his head against Adam’s as he said, “I want this for eternity. Just us, together.”

“Me, too.”

Then their mouths came together in a softer, gentler way, so full of love. Adam stroked Kris’ face lovingly as Kris sighed into their kiss. “I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you, too,” said Kris. He stared down into Adam’s eyes and licked at his own lips. “I… I need you to show me.”

Adam raised a questioning eyebrow that made Kris blush.

“I need you to show me how to… be with another man,” Kris clarified.

Adam smiled gently. “You’re doing a pretty okay job of it on your own.”

Kris rolled his eyes. “I know how to kiss,” he said. “It’s not all that different from kissing a girl… except maybe it’s a little better.”

Adam’s smile turned into a grin. “Oh, really?”

Kris felt his face flush again. “Um, yeah.”

“Don’t be embarrassed, baby. I think it’s cute. Besides, you know I agree with you on that one.”

Kris snorted and buried his face in Adam’s collarbone.

Adam wrapped his arms around Kris’ back tightly and they lay there silently for a moment. Then, feeling brave, Kris murmured, “I think we have too many clothes on.”

“Are you sure?”

Kris stopped to think a moment. The thing was, he wasn’t sure. Not about himself anyway. But he was sure he wanted to see Adam in all his freckled glory. “I wanna see you.” He lifted his head to look at Adam. “All of you.”

“Do I get to see you?”

Kris bit his lip. “I’m not sure.”

“Okay.”

The two stared at each other a moment before Adam curled a hand around the back of Kris’ neck and drew him in for a brief kiss. “Do what you’re comfortable with, do what feels natural,” he whispered.

After another second of staring, Kris molded his mouth to Adam’s, lips parting, tongues dueling as Kris let his hands roam freely over Adam’s torso. He found a nipple and pinched it between his fingers, rolling it gently as Adam moaned into the kiss. “You like that?” Kris murmured. Adam moaned and arched into the touch in response.

Kris ducked his head, brought his mouth down to Adam’s other nipple and sucked it between his lips. He licked and sucked until it peaked and hardened. Then he bit down none too gently on the hard nub. Adam groaned loudly and dug his short nails into Kris’ scalp as he cradled Kris’ head to his chest.

Kris moaned at the sensation and made a winding path of kisses back to Adam’s mouth. “Love you,” he said before diving back in for a hungry, hurried kiss that was all tongue and teeth. He rolled his hips down against Adam’s, both of them moaning at the friction. “Need you… want you…”

“Take what you want, Kris,” Adam said, his hands rubbing over Kris’ back and neck. “I’m yours, all yours, use me.”

Kris looked into Adam’s eyes for a moment, saw the trust and the obvious lust, and knew that Adam’s offer was serious. But he didn’t know what to do. He’d never even experimented with another guy before. Adam was his first everything. “I don’t know what to do,” he said quietly.

Adam stroked a finger down the side of Kris’ face and Kris couldn’t help leaning into the touch. “You know what feels good for you, right?”

Kris nodded.

“Well, we have the same parts, the same kind of things feel good.” He shrugged.

“What if… what if it doesn’t feel good?” Kris asked, his face heating up with embarrassment.

Adam smiled softly. “I’ll tell you.” There was a short pause. “Babe, I’m not going to just leave you hanging, I’ll guide you, but this is your chance to explore.”

Kris kissed Adam softly, his nerves seeming to quiet down because of Adam’s words. “Thank you,” he murmured, then he trailed kisses down Adam’s neck, stopping to suck hard at his pulse.

“Mm,” Adam moaned quietly, tipping his head to the side.

Kris smiled against Adam’s neck and continued on his journey south. Nipping, kissing, licking a path down, down, down until he got to Adam’s navel. He dipped his tongue inside and swirled it around, listening as Adam’s breathing sped up and his hands cradled the back of Kris’ head. Kris smiled against soft skin then bit gently at the pale flesh beside Adam’s navel making Adam inhale sharply.

Kris kissed lower, nosed his way through Adam’s happy trail until it disappeared below the towel that was secured at his hips. Kris licked a line from one hip bone to the other then reached for the knot in the towel. His hands hovered above it as he lifted his head to look at Adam for permission.

“Go ahead,” Adam murmured, his voice an octave lower and rough with want.

Kris licked his suddenly dry lips and, with trembling hands, loosened the knot at Adam’s waist. He opened the towel and laid it flat on the bed. His eyes widened when he saw Adam’s thick erection curving up towards his navel, the tip shiny with pre-come. He looked up at Adam through his lashes to find Adam stuffing a pillow beneath his head, his eyes dark as he stared back at Kris.

Kris lowered his gaze back to Adam’s length and delicately trailed a fingertip up from the base to the very tip. He let his finger slip over the head, sliding through the stickiness leaking from the slit. Then he brought his finger up to his face, staring at the shiny pad. “Taste it,” Adam whispered. Kris’ eyes flicked to his then back to his own finger before popping it between his lips and sucking the pad clean, finding that it didn’t taste as bad as he would have expected.

Adam groaned, his eyelids dropping to half-mast. “Please… touch me again.”

Kris nodded silently and trailed his finger down the vein in the underside, letting the tips of his fingers graze over Adam’s balls. Adam moaned, his hips flexing into Kris’ touch. “Don’t stop.” Those two little words encouraged Kris to wrap his fingers around the base of Adam’s length before squeezing gently, then sliding his hand up to the head. He swiped his thumb over the tip and slid his hand back down, making Adam moan again and toss his head around on the pillow.

Kris couldn’t believe he was actually making Adam react with pleasure. He had been so sure that he would somehow screw it up and Adam wouldn’t want to be with him… or Adam would laugh at him, which was infinitely worse. But as he watched Adam’s face contort in pleasure while he stroked his fist up and down, it gave him confidence that he could do this.

Kris took a deep breath and leaned down close to Adam’s cock, the tip of his tongue sliding out from between his lips. “Oh god,” Adam moaned when he saw what Kris was about to do. Then Kris swiped his tongue over the head, tasting the pre-come and feeling the velvety softness of Adam’s skin against his tongue. His eyes slid closed as he finally wrapped his lips around the tip and suckled gently.

Adam moaned and reached down to stroke Kris’ hair. “So good,” he murmured. “You’re doing so good.”

A feeling of pride blossomed in Kris’ chest and he sucked a little harder as he slid his mouth down, taking a bit more of Adam in. “That’s right, baby,” Adam purred. “Just relax your jaw and take it slow.”

Kris did as he was told and slowly worked another inch into his mouth.

“You can use your hand, too,” Adam told him. Kris wrapped his fist around the base of Adam’s cock and worked it up and down what he couldn’t take in his mouth. Soon, he had his mouth sliding up and down along with his hand and it seemed as though Adam had lost the ability to speak as he moaned over and over again.

Kris moved his other hand to Adam’s balls and rolled them back and forth while his mouth moved up to the head. He pressed the tip of his tongue into the slit and lapped gently at the come leaking from it.

“Fuck, Kris… too close. Don’t wanna come yet,” Adam said brokenly. With a slurping sound, Kris pulled off Adam’s cock and licked over his lips. Adam beckoned him forward and Kris crawled up Adam’s body till they were nose to nose. Then Adam framed Kris’ face with his large hands and brought him down for a hungry kiss. “So good, baby,” Adam mumbled against Kris’ lips. “So fucking good.”

Kris drew back, panting, and said, “But I didn’t finish.”

Adam shook his head. “It’s your turn.”

****

Chapter Six // Chapter Eight...

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Six

2013-07-22T18:53:57Z

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (06/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: a smidge of strong language (no F-bombs), seductive fruit and God talk.
Word Count: 1,764
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

Chapter Six

The next few days were a whirlwind of photo shoots, radio interviews and concerts. The Idols were exhausted and weren’t sure which way was up, but through it all they were happy to be on this ride together. No one was happier than Adam and Kris though, as they were in the honeymoon phase of their relationship and were enjoying every minute of it. But then the fourth day of their newfound relationship came and Kris was suddenly nervous… they were finally getting a hotel night.

Kris was sitting at the table in the kitchenette of the bus, his journal in front of him, writing down whatever came to mind, thoughts, lyrics, doodles, it didn’t matter. The continuous action of the pen gliding over paper was letting his mind drift and forget about his nervousness. He was so far out in La La Land that he didn’t even notice that Adam had sat down next to him, until Adam placed his hand on his shoulder.

Kris startled at first, but relaxed when he saw it was only his boyfriend. “Sorry,” Adam said quietly.

Kris shrugged. “S’okay.”

“What’re you doing up here all alone?”

Kris looked down at his journal a moment before tucking his pen inside and closing it. “Just thinking.”

“About?”

Kris rubbed the back of his neck making Adam frown.

“What’s wrong?” Adam asked.

“Nothing.”

Adam snorted. “Yeah, right.” Kris was silent. “C’mon, baby, just talk to me.”

Kris looked at his hands as he knotted his fingers together on the tabletop. “I’m just… a little nervous.” He shrugged.

“What are you nervous about?”

“Tonight.”

“Tonight? What about tonight?”

Kris rubbed at his neck again.

“You’re not talking about the show, are you?”

Kris shook his head and Adam nodded in understanding. “I see. You’re worried about what comes after the show.”

Kris gave Adam a sheepish smile. “Um, yeah.”

Adam bobbed his head slowly, staring at the tabletop. “Why?”

“I just… I’ve never been with a guy before and this is you and I don’t want to screw it up.”

Adam looked at Kris from the corner of his eye. “You honestly think you could screw it up?”

Kris nodded.

Adam turned towards Kris and brushed a hand through Kris’ hair. “Do you think I expect you to be some sort of sexpert or something?”

Kris shrugged. “Maybe.”

Adam wrapped his arms around Kris and drew him in against his chest. Kris tucked himself under Adam’s chin, nose pressed in right above the neck of Adam’s shirt. “Babe, I don’t expect anything of you,” Adam said quietly. “I know you have no experience and I’m okay with that.”

“What if I’m not okay with that? I mean, you’re so huge that the fans even named your dick! How the hell is that supposed to fit in there?”

Adam chuckled and kissed the top of Kris’ head. “We don’t have to go that far tonight. Heck, we don’t have to go that far while we’re still on tour.”

Kris pulled back to look at his boyfriend, a light blush rising to his cheeks. “But what if I want to?”

Adam bit at his lip. “Why don’t we just get through the show first?”

“Okay,” said Kris. Then he tucked himself back under Adam’s chin.

Little did either of them know that by the time they would reach their hotel room that night, they would be too exhausted to do more than undress and climb into bed.

****

Kris woke the next morning on his stomach, his head buried under his pillow. When he lifted his head and the pillow fell away, he found Adam beside him, staring at him. Kris groaned and dropped his head back down on his arms. “How long have you been awake?”

“Not long,” said Adam.

Kris wrinkled his nose. “Have you been watching me the whole time?”

Adam smiled. “Yeah, does that bother you?”

“Depends,” said Kris with a shrug of his shoulder.

“On what?”

“Just how long you’ve been watching me.”

“I promise it hasn’t been too long.”

“Good.”

A silence enveloped them and Kris closed his eyes, drifting between awake and sleep. “Hey,” Adam whispered. Kris grunted. “Are you going back to sleep?”

Kris cracked one eye open. “Maybe.”

Adam grinned. “Maybe, huh? Do you think there’s any way I can persuade you to stay up?”

“Maybe,” Kris said again.

Adam reached over to stroke his hand over Kris’ hair. “What if I told you that this is our first day off in, oh, five days?”

A smile slowly spread across Kris’ face. “Is it?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“Me, too.” Adam paused. “I ordered room service, by the way.”

Kris chuckled. “And you said you hadn’t been awake long.”

“No, I said I hadn’t been watching you for that long. I never said anything about how long I’d been awake.”

“Fine… so what’d you get us for breakfast?”

“French toast, bacon, eggs, fruit.”

“Mm, that sounds really good,” Kris said as his stomach rumbled at the thought of all that food.

“Good, because it should be here soon.”

“Do you think I have time to grab a quick shower first?”

“Yeah, I think so. I mean, when you say quick, you actually mean five minutes or less.”

Kris chuckled. “And when you mean quick, you mean thirty minutes.”

Adam grinned. “Exactly.”

Kris leaned over to peck Adam on the lips, then stretched as he climbed from the bed. He grabbed a clean pair of boxers from his bag and then headed into the bathroom for his shower.

****

When Kris exited the bathroom, Adam was just picking up a piece of pineapple and placing it on his tongue. Kris smiled to himself as Adam closed his eyes and hummed at the taste of the fruit. It was obvious that he was enjoying it. “What? You couldn’t wait for me?” Kris said with a smirk.

Adam stuck his tongue out. “Get comfy. I’ll serve you.” So Kris climbed up on the bed and placed their pillows against the headboard before leaning back against one. Adam came over with the tray of food and set it down between them on the mattress. “Breakfast in bed is served.”

Kris smiled. “Thanks.”

They ate in a comfortable silence until they were down to just the fruit. Then Adam insisted on feeding Kris his share, one piece at a time. Kris had rolled his eyes but let Adam do as he wanted. But once Adam started to feed him, Kris felt himself grow heavy-lidded with lust. There was just something so erotic about Adam feeding him pieces of melon; it made Kris want to jump his bones. So when Adam held out the last piece of honey dew, Kris wrapped his lips around the tip of Adam’s thumb and sucked the juice from it, letting Adam slowly pull it from his grasp. Kris chewed the melon slowly as he watched Adam’s eyes darken with want.

“Kris,” Adam said, his voice deep with lust. They shared a heated look before Adam stood from the bed, picked up their food tray and moved it to the cart. Then he went to their door and stuck the Do Not Disturb sign on the outside knob.

Kris swallowed thickly. “Do we really need that?”

“Do you really want Alli to barge in on us while we’re making out all hot and heavy?” Adam countered as he made his way back to the bed.

Kris cringed. “Blue balls,” they said together, then laughed.

Adam crawled up onto the bed and pulled Kris into his lap. He stroked his knuckles down the side of Kris’ face gently before leaning in for a soft kiss. “Love you.”

Kris framed Adam’s face in his hands. “Love you, too.” He paused. “And I love your freckles.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “Sure.”

“I especially love these ones right here,” Kris said as he drew his thumb over Adam’s bottom lip.

“I hate my freckles.”

Kris frowned. “I think they’re beautiful.”

“You’re just saying that because you want in my pants.”

“No, I’m saying that because it’s the truth and I love you and you were sent from Heaven.”

Adam laughed. “What?”

“I prayed for you and God answered my prayers.”

“Kris…” Adam shook his head in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

“When I made it to Hollywood, I prayed and thanked the Lord for helping me get that far. Then I prayed for Him to help me find my soul mate. I mean, I was still with Katy, but even though I loved her with all my heart, I didn’t… I knew…” Kris was at a loss for words.

“She wasn’t forever,” Adam supplied.

“Yeah.” He paused and licked at his lips thoughtfully. “So I prayed that He would show me the way and the next day…” Kris shrugged. “You were the first one I met in Hollywood and you gave me this adorably shy smile.” He grinned as Adam gave him that exact smile. “Yeah, that’s the one. And I swear you only give that look to me.”

“You think I’m the answer to your prayers?” Adam asked.

“Yes, of course. You’re everything I never knew I needed.” He frowned in concern when he saw tears forming in Adam’s eyes. “Adam…”

“No,” he said. “It’s not, it’s nothing bad. I promise.” He wiped at his tears and shook his head. Then he took Kris’ hands from his face and held them tightly in his own. “It’s just… I wished for you, too, a long time ago before there was even an Idol to audition for.”

Kris cocked his head curiously. “What do you mean?”

“A long time ago, before my parents got divorced, I wished that I would find someone who loved me as deeply as my dad loved my mom, as deeply as I would love them, and I’ve never found that kind of love… that is, until now.”

“How can you know that?” Kris asked. “It’s only our fifth day in this relationship.”

“But you’ve loved me so much longer than five days, haven’t you?”

“Since the first time you smiled at me.”

“That’s how long I’ve loved you, too. I knew the moment I saw you, that’s why you’re the only one who gets that smile.”

Kris rested his forehead against Adam’s. “Promise me always.”

“I’ll promise you forever… and a day.”

Kris laughed. “That’s all?”

“An eternity, Kris, this life and the next, we’re soul mates.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, so much you don’t even know.”

“Actually, I think I do.”

****

Chapter Five // Chapter Seven

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Five

2013-07-22T18:42:37Z

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (05/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: uh, kissing?
Word Count: 1,675
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

Chapter Five

The next morning when Kris woke up, his body was stiff and ached from being in one position all night long. He groaned and buried his face in what he thought was a pillow, but ended up being Adam’s chest. When he realized this, he grinned to himself and hugged Adam closer. “You awake?” Adam asked quietly.

“I think I’m still dreaming,” Kris murmured. “Was last night even real?”

Adam stroked Kris’ hair a few times before answering. “Do you want it to be real?”

Kris drew back just enough to look Adam in the eye. “Yes,” he whispered. “Very much so.”

Adam smiled. “That’s good, because it was real… is real.”

“So you love me?”

Adam nodded.

“Like, love me more than a friend would?”

Adam laughed. “Yeah, Kris, more than a friend… it’s always been that way.”

“Really?” Kris asked, his heart swelling with emotion.

“Since the day we met. I think it was love at first sight to me.”

“Me, too,” Kris said. “I just didn’t realize it at the time. But looking back on it, I know I fell for you the moment you smiled at me.”

“Is it the reason you’ve been acting so strange ever since tour started?”

Kris rubbed the back of his neck, feeling somewhat embarrassed. “Yeah, I just… I didn’t think someone as perfect as you could ever be in love with a guy like me, so imperfect.”

“Hey, don’t talk like that,” Adam scolded. “You are completely perfect.”

Kris rolled his eyes.

“You’re perfect to me and my opinion is the only one that matters, so there.” Adam stuck his tongue out at Kris making him giggle.

“Oh really now?”

Adam bobbed his head, a cheesy grin on his face. But then his expression took on a serious tone. “I mean it, Kris. I love you for who you are… all of you.”

“Thanks,” said Kris, a blush rising to his cheeks. “I love you, too.” He suddenly turned shy as he looked into Adam’s eyes then down to his lips, really wanting to kiss him. “Are we going to be the kind of couple that has to brush their teeth in the morning before kissing? Because I really don’t think I can wait that long.”

Adam laughed and, without a word, answered Kris’ question with a soft kiss to his lips. “What does that tell you?”

Kris grinned. “I guess we’re not.” Then he pulled Adam in for another, longer, kiss, their lips parting and tongues sliding together.

Kris curled his arms around Adam tightly, keeping him pressed as close as possible. “I love you so much,” he mumbled against Adam’s lips.

“Mm I love you, too,” said Adam as he tilted his head, deepening the kiss as his tongue worked its way back inside Kris’ mouth. His hands slid under Kris’ shirt, sliding up the back of it to touch warm skin.

Kris shivered at the feel of Adam’s hands on his back. It made him want to strip down to his birthday suit so Adam could trail his fingertips over every inch of skin. He moaned quietly as he pressed the length of his body to Adam’s, wishing he could just curl up within his chest. It was like his soul wanted to meld with Adam’s, making them into one being.

When Adam slid his tongue along the roof of Kris’ mouth, Kris moaned and rolled his hips into Adam’s, the friction causing his erection to twitch inside his pants. He was completely turned on, his cock hard and aching, which hadn’t taken much as he’d been semi-erect when he had woken up. But now he just wanted them both naked, locked away somewhere that the outside world could not reach.

Adam gently pushed Kris away, panting a little bit. “Don’t get too worked up,” he said quietly. “I told you before we’re not having sex on the bus.”

Kris groaned, his eyes squeezing shut. “But I was half hard when I woke up.”

“That’s your business, not mine.”

Kris glared at Adam. “It is when you kiss me until I’m painfully hard.”

Adam snickered. “Sorry, babe, didn’t mean to.”

“Yeah, right.” Kris rolled his eyes.

Adam pecked the tip of Kris’ nose. “Sorry,” he said again, quiet this time. “Do you know when we’re getting another hotel night?”

Kris shook his head. He didn’t know, but prayed that it would come sooner rather than later. He wanted to get a chance to explore Adam’s body, every inch of it, which wasn’t possible in such a teeny space.

He tangled his legs with Adam’s and pressed against his chest again. “I hope it’s soon.”

“Me, too.” There was a short pause. “I want to be alone with you and get to know you.”

Kris drew back to look at Adam. “You do know me.”

“As a friend, I do, but not as a boyfriend.”

Kris’ cheeks colored slightly as he said, “Is that what we are now?”

Adam stroked a finger down Kris’ cheek. “Yes, if that’s what you want.”

Kris nodded. “Of course that’s what I want. That’s what I’ve always wanted.”

“Good, because that’s what I want, too.” Adam stopped to lick at his lips. “Do you realize how hard this is going to be?”

Kris frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you were previously straight and in a relationship with a woman. Now you’re bisexual and have a boyfriend. The media is going to have a field day with this, as well as the fans. And what about the other Idols?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down a minute,” said Kris. “First of all, don’t get so stressed out about all of that. Second, it’s not like I’m going to take to Twitter and announce it to the world.”

“You’re not?” Adam looked hurt.

“Not this second, I’m not,” Kris told him. “I want to enjoy this before things get crazy. You understand, don’t you?”

Adam frowned. “You want me to go back in the closet for you?”

“What? No! Of course not!”

“But you want to hide it.”

“I’m not saying that,” Kris protested. “I just…” He paused trying to articulate what he was thinking. “I don’t want to announce it to the world, but I don’t want to hide how we feel either. I kind of… I’d like to keep it for ourselves for as long as we can, before the media and the fans rip into it.”

“I get it,” Adam said quietly.

“Do you?”

Adam nodded. “It’s something special that you want to protect and I get that.”

Kris grinned, happy that his new boyfriend understood what he was trying to say. “Exactly.”

Suddenly the bus lurched to a stop and their tour manager’s voice could be heard out in the main part of the bus. “Okay, guys, you’ve got a busy day ahead, get your asses out of bed. Breakfast first then we’ll get you cleaned up and off to your photo shoot.” Kris and Adam groaned. This wasn’t how they wanted to spend their first day together as a couple.

****

Adam and Kris sat next to each other in the restaurant and held hands under the table the entire time. No one seemed to suspect a thing, except for maybe Allison and Lil. They kept sharing looks then looking pointedly at the two men. When breakfast was over and everyone was preparing to climb on the busses again, Lil and Allison pulled Kris and Adam aside. “So?” The two girls asked in unison.

“So what?” Adam said, feigning innocence.

Lil and Allison shared a look then turned back to the other two. “Are you guys together or what?” Allison asked, being her blunt self.

Kris blushed and rubbed the back of his neck as he looked at Adam who was biting at his lower lip, trying to hide a grin.

“I knew it!” Allison exclaimed. “You two are in love.”

“Okay, so you got us on that one,” Adam said. “But we don’t want to announce it to the world quite yet.”

“Why not?” Allison asked.

“Yeah,” Lil said. “The fans will be so happy for you. You know that more than half of them think you guys are already together anyway. Why the hush, hush?”

“Because it’s new and shiny and we don’t want to share,” Adam explained, making Allison giggle.

“Okay, we got it. But what about the other Idols?” Lil asked. “Are they off limits?”

Kris shrugged and Adam said, “They’ll find out when they find out. But we’re not exactly going to hide it when we’re away from the prying eyes of fans and reporters.”

Suddenly their tour manager called out for the four to get on their busses as they were the last ones standing around outside.

****

Kris and Adam snuck sweet kisses whenever they could throughout the day, sometimes getting caught by another Idol or two. Luckily, no one asked for an explanation. They would just grin or give the two a thumbs up before walking away. It seemed as though the others were just waiting for them to get their heads out of their asses and admit to their feelings already.

When it was time to climb back onto the bus after the show that night, it seemed as though everyone went straight to their bunks, completely exhausted from the day they’d had. Adam and Kris took up residence in the back lounge, which was devoid of the other Idols. They were just as exhausted as the others, but their minds were still whirling with adrenaline. So they got their blankets and camped out on one of the couches together.

Adam piled their pillows against the arm of the couch before lying down and pulling Kris on top of himself. Kris sighed and closed his eyes, his arms holding tight to Adam’s sides as Adam stroked lovingly at his hair. “Did you have a good day?” Adam asked quietly.

Kris nodded with a content sigh. “Yeah, would’ve been better if we’d gotten a hotel room though.”

Adam chuckled. “Yeah, I agree with you there.” There was a short moment of silence. “And you’re okay that most all of the Idols caught us kissing at one point or another today?”

Kris grinned to himself. “That was amusing, actually.”

“Oh?”

“Mm-hmm. The looks on their faces… they were so shocked then they’d get these huge grins. It was pretty comical.”

“So you’re not upset that they know?”

Kris lifted his head to look at Adam. “No, not at all. I know they’ll respect our privacy and won’t say anything to the press before we’re ready.”

Adam smiled as he carded his hand through Kris’ hair. “I trust them, too, they’re our family.”

Kris nodded. “And if you can’t trust family, you’re screwed.”

Adam laughed. “Touché.” He raised his head from the pillows to place his mouth against Kris’. “I love you.”

Kris grinned. “I love you, too.” Then he leaned back in for another kiss before resting his head back down on Adam’s chest and closing his eyes. “Sleepy.”

Adam rubbed his back in soothing circles. “Sleep well, baby.”

“You, too.”

****

Chapter Five // Chapter Six

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Four

2013-07-22T18:29:18Z

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (04/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: one “F” word
Word Count: 2,672 (not including lyrics)
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

SONG CREDIT
Song: In a Second
Album: Into the Rush
Artist: Aly & AJ

Chapter Four

“You’re in love with me?”

Kris could only nod, not sure that he could actually speak.

“When did this happen?” Adam asked with a frown on his pretty, freckled lips.

Kris’ heart sank. He didn’t like the look Adam was giving him; a frown did not scream I love you, too. Kris shook his head. “It doesn’t matter,” he mumbled as he pulled back from Adam. “I uh, I think I’ll go stay with Lil and Allison tonight. I can ask for a room change in the morning.” Then he got up, grabbed a few items to take with him, and headed out of the hotel room. He didn’t even give Adam a chance to reply.

Down the hall, he took a deep breath and knocked on girls’ door. Lil was the one to answer. “Kris? What are you doing here?”

“Can I stay with you guys tonight?”

She stood back and gestured for Kris to come in. “Sure, sweetheart. Do you want to talk about it?”

Kris looked around and found Allison asleep in her bed, snoring quietly. “I can take the floor if you want,” he said.

“Oh hush, you,” said Lil. “I’ll just share with Alli, she won’t mind, and you can have my bed.”

“Are you sure?” Kris asked. He really didn’t want to burden his friends.

“Of course, honey. But let’s sit down and you can tell me what happened with Adam.” She guided him over to the empty bed and they sat down on the end.

Kris carded his hand through his hair. “I uh, I kind of kissed him and told him that I’m hopelessly in love with him.”

Lil’s eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. “Shut up! You did not!”

“Keep it down,” Kris hissed. “We don’t want to wake Alli.”

“Oops. Sorry,” Lil said quietly. “So you’re in love with Adam?” Kris nodded and looked down at the little goat that was still in his hand. “What about Katy?”

“We broke up before tour,” said Kris. “But we’re still friends. She figured everything out on her own before I’d even admitted it to myself.”

Lil grinned. “That Katy, she was always a smart one.”

Kris chuckled. “She sure is.” He paused to gnaw on his lower lip a moment. “Adam frowned when he asked me how long I had been in love with him.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him it didn’t matter and then I came right here.” Kris looked at her intently. “He’s already in love with someone and I don’t want to screw that up for him. Even if it kills me to see him with someone else, I just want him to be happy.”

Lil rubbed Kris’ back. “I know, and you’re a great friend for thinking like that. But what if the person he loves is you? You didn’t really have a conversation about it and you never asked him who he loves.”

“It’s not me,” Kris said. “How could he love me?”

“Oh, darlin’, have you ever seen the way that boy looks at you?”

“No?” Kris was confused.

“He looks at you like you’re the only one he can see,” Lil told him. “He looks at you the way you look at him.”

Kris bit at his cheek. “You really think so?”

Lil nodded. “I do.”

“So you think he’s in love with me, too?”

Lil shrugged. “Could be, but you’ll never know if you don’t ask.”

Kris took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Did he really want to have that kind of conversation with Adam? No, not really. But Lil was right, he’d never know if he didn’t ask. His gaze moved back to Lil. “Thanks… for everything.”

She hugged him tightly. “It’s no problem, sweetie. Now why don’t you get some rest and you can talk to Adam in the morning?” Kris nodded his agreement and slid between the sheets. He lay on his side and listened to Lil move around the room until unconsciousness took over.

****

The next morning, Kris awoke thinking he was in his hotel room and that his admission to Adam had just been a dream. But when he opened his eyes, he came face to face with Allison, her red hair rumpled with sleep. She was lying on her side in Kris’ bed, the blankets pulled up to her chin. Kris groaned and buried his face in his pillow when he realized that last night hadn’t been a dream; it was a reality he didn’t want to face.

“You okay, Krissy?” Allison asked, her voice more gravelly than normal from sleep.

“No,” he said. Then he turned his face out of the pillow to look at Allison. “Did Lil tell you what happened last night?” Allison shook her head, her eyes wide. “I uh, I told Adam that I loved him.”

Allison’s eyes seemed to get even wider, which Kris didn’t think was possible. “You told him you love him?” Kris gave her an awkward smile and shrugged one shoulder. “What did he say?”

“He frowned and asked me how long I’d been in love with him.”

“And what’d you say?”

“I told him it didn’t matter and then I came here to sleep.”

Allison pulled her hand out from under the blankets and smacked Kris upside the head.

“Ow! What was that for?”

Allison rolled her eyes. “Because you have to be the worst gay guy I know!”

“I’m not gay,” Kris muttered. “I’m bi, there’s a difference.”

Allison rolled her eyes again. “Whatevs.” She paused a beat. “Don’t you know that Adam is mad about you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about how Adam is completely in love with you and has been since Hollywood Week, duh!”

“Yeah, right.” Kris tried to think back, tried to determine if what Allison was saying was true, but he couldn’t come up with anything.

“Kristopher Allen, I am completely embarrassed to be your friend right now,” Allison announced.

“What? Why?”

“Because Adam is so obviously in love with you and you can’t see it at all.”

“I just…” Kris frowned. “I just don’t see it. Why would such an amazing guy like him be in love with me? He’s so talented and good-looking and just…” He looked helplessly at his friend. “Why would Adam be in love with me when he can have anyone he wants?”

Allison smiled at Kris and reached a hand out to press against his cheek. “You’re right, he can have anyone he wants and that person is you. You two were made for each other, Kris, I just know it. But I think Adam, until last night, was just as clueless about your feelings as you are about his.”

“Has he ever told you specifically that he’s in love with me?”

“No, but…”

“Then you really don’t know.”

“And you really don’t know that he doesn’t feel that way,” Allison retorted.

Huh. Now that made Kris stop and think. Allison had a point; he had no clue about Adam’s feelings either way. “I don’t know what to do next,” he whispered.

Allison smiled. “Just talk to him. I mean, it’s Adam and he’s your best friend.”

“That’s what makes it so hard,” Kris told her. “If he doesn’t have feelings for me, I’m scared that I’ve screwed it all up. I’m scared we’ll never be the same again and I love the relationship we have.”

“I know you do, but you also want more,” Allison said. “And you’ll never get more if you don’t find out how he feels.”

Kris sighed and pulled Allison into a hug. “God, you’re smart for a kid.”

She hugged him back and said, “I’m not that young.”

****

Kris avoided Adam like the plague that day. He was so nervous about what had happened between them and what was going to happen. He knew he wanted to do something special for Adam, but he wasn’t sure what. Then it hit him, he’d sing a song at the concert that night and dedicate it to Adam. He scanned his iTunes when he had a chance and found a song he didn’t even know he had. It must be one of Katy’s. He listened to the song through his ear buds and it was such a perfect song that he almost teared up. But when he told the tour manager about using a different song in his set, he was shut down because the song hadn’t been approved. Kris was disappointed. He couldn’t wait till he was on his own tour and could make his own decisions about what he would and wouldn’t play on stage.

****

After signing autographs for fans outside the venue, the Idols got on their buses, women on one and the men on the other. Kris was tuning his acoustic guitar as he sat in his bunk, thinking. He wasn’t sure he wanted to approach Adam with this specific subject while on the bus. But they weren’t going to have another hotel night for a few days and he really didn’t want to wait that long. So with a deep breath, he slipped from his bunk and looked towards the front where he found the rest of the guys, all except for Adam. So he headed to the back of the bus and found Adam on the couch, reading that same paperback.

Kris knocked gently on the door frame and Adam looked up at him.

He frowned. “Are you done ignoring me?”

Kris rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, I’m sorry about that,” he said.

“Yeah, right,” said Adam and focused his eyes on his book again. Kris didn’t know what to say next, so he did the next best thing. He entered the small lounge and sat on the unoccupied couch across from Adam. He’d spent so much time tuning his guitar beforehand that he didn’t bother to check it now. He licked his lips and began to play the opening notes of the song. Then the lyrics flowed as he stared at Adam, waiting for him to take notice.

“Don’t know where you are; wish I could just be near you. I would sail oceans to get a glimpse of how you feel. You’re all the things I’m looking for, everything and so much more.”

Kris watched Adam as he sang and played his guitar. When he got to the first chorus, Adam finally looked at him. Their gazes met and Adam sat up, folded down the corner of the page he was reading and tossed his book aside.

“What I think, you are just perfect. Could it be that I am worth it? Is this thing an open door? Walk right through to something more. You and me. My life would change in a second, in a second.

“Don’t know how you feel, you seem to keep it to yourself. Would you climb mountains to show me this is something real? You’re all the things I’m looking for; everything and so much more. What I think you are just perfect. Could it be that I am worth it? Is this thing an open door? Walk right through to something more. You and me. My life would change in a second, in a second.”

As Kris continued to sing, Adam got up from the couch and moved to sit next to him. He turned towards Adam to finish the song, sitting so close their knees almost touched. When he finished the song, Kris silenced his guitar and set it down beside the couch. “Kris…” Adam said, his face soft, his eyes shining brightly.

“I love you,” Kris told him. “And you said you’re in love with someone, too. I just need to know if it’s me or not.” He looked down at his hands, his fingers knotted together in his lap.

“You keep running away from me,” Adam said. Kris nodded, his gaze still on his hands. “Why?”

“I’m scared that I’ve ruined the most perfect friendship I’ve ever had,” Kris whispered. He looked up at Adam through his lashes. “Did I ruin it all?”

Adam reached forward to cup the side of Kris’ face. “What do you think?” Then he leaned in and pressed his lips to Kris’.

Kris couldn’t believe how soft Adam’s lips were. They moved so gently against his own, almost hesitant as if it was the first time Adam had kissed a guy instead of the other way around. After a moment, they slowly and reluctantly pulled away from each other.

Kris blinked slowly and saw that Adam’s eyes were still closed. “Adam?” Adam held his hand up to silence Kris. Kris waited for him to say something or open his eyes, but he didn’t. Kris tried again. “Adam?” But Adam shook his head, furrowing his eyebrows. Then Kris said his name for a third time.

Adam’s eyes rolled beneath his eyelids. “God, Arkansas, can’t you give a guy time to reflect?” Kris bit his lip, trying to keep silent. A heartbeat later, Adam’s eyes fluttered open and he began to stroke Kris’ hair.

Kris couldn’t help but lean into the touch. “What do you want to do?”
“Fight or flight, Kris, it’s up to you.”

“Fight,” Kris whispered.

Adam searched Kris’ eyes for a moment then leaned in close. Before their lips could touch, he stopped. “You can still run. At any point, you can run.”

“I won’t,” Kris promised.

Adam gave a short nod then closed the gap, his soft lips conforming to Kris’.

Kris moaned quietly when Adam’s tongue slipped passed his lips, tasting, licking, testing. Kris couldn’t get enough of the way Adam tasted, so sweet and something that was just purely… Adam. He needed to get closer. He grabbed a handful of Adam’s shirt in his fists and climbed into Adam’s lap, pushing at him to lie back on the couch. But Adam stopped him with a hand to his chest. Kris gave him a questioning look. “Not here,” Adam said. “Not now.”

Kris pouted. “Why not?”

“I want our first time to be special… and in a bed. I don’t want it to be some quick fuck in one of our bunks, ya know?”

Kris nodded. “Yeah, I know.” He breathed deeply as he hugged Adam close and pushed his face up against Adam’s neck. “I love you,” he whispered.

Adam kissed the side of Kris’ head as he rubbed his back gently. “I love you, too, Kris.”

The pair let a silence envelop them as they sat holding each other close, reveling in what had taken them almost a year to accomplish. They only broke apart when they heard the rest of their bus-mates coming down the hall towards them. Kris slid from Adam’s lap, sitting beside him, and leaned into his side.

“You sure about this?” Adam asked.

“About us?”

“About the others knowing.”

Kris opened his mouth to speak, but before any words could come out, the men entered the lounge and made themselves comfortable. “We thought we’d watch a movie. Wanna join?” Danny asked.

Kris and Adam shared a look and Adam answered for them. “We’ll have to take a rain check. Sorry guys.” Then he stood and headed out of the lounge with Kris right behind him.

He stopped when he got to their bunks and turned to Kris. “Your place or mine?” He asked with a smirk. Kris chuckled and climbed into his own bunk. He lay on his side, his back pressed up against the wall as he tried to make room. Then Adam crawled in, pressing tightly against Kris since the bunks really weren’t made for two people. He shut the curtain behind him as Kris reached up to turn the small overhead light on. Then he wrapped his arms tightly around Adam and brushed his lips against Adam’s freckled ones.

“What took us so long?”

“Well, for one, I thought you were straight,” Adam replied quietly, carding his hand through Kris’ hair.

Kris snorted. “Yeah, that kind of put a damper on things. Plus… I was scared of ruining what we already had.”

“Me, too,” Adam said. He stroked Kris’ hair as they stared into each other’s eyes. “What changed?” He asked after a moment.

“Lil and Alli told me to take a chance because they were sure you loved me, too.”

“And they were right.”

Kris nodded. “Will you stay for the night? I know it’s cramped in here, but… please?”

Adam smiled softly. “Of course I will.” He kissed Kris’ forehead. “But you have to be here when I wake up.”

Kris gave Adam a squeeze. “I don’t think I’ll be moving too far away from you any time soon.”

“Good to know.” There was a short pause. “Goodnight, Krissy. I love you.”

Kris smiled to himself as he snuggled further into Adam’s embrace. “Night, love you, too.” Then the two men drifted off to sleep.

****

Chapter Three // Chapter Five...

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Three

2013-07-22T18:20:52Z

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (03/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: Um, none?
Word Count: 2,623
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

Chapter Three

Kris moaned quietly when he woke up. The sun shining through the windows was too bright for the pounding in his skull. At least he wasn’t nauseous. He sighed, pressed his face into his pillow, and figured the only things he needed to feel better were some aspirin and a good breakfast in his belly.

Suddenly a warm body pressed against his back and wrapped an arm around his waist. His stomach did an excited little flip when he remembered that he was in bed with Adam. A giddy grin showed up on his face that he hid in his pillow, even though Adam was clearly still asleep and wouldn’t see it. Kris pulled Adam’s arm around him tighter and leaned back into his chest. Adam hummed quietly and pressed his nose into the nape of Kris’ neck. “You awake?” Kris asked softly. Adam only grunted which made Kris giggle. “I thought I was supposed to be the one in pain this morning?”

“Too early,” Adam groaned. “The alarm didn’t even go off yet.”

“You set an alarm on our day off?” Kris asked in disbelief.

“We told Alli we’d do something with her today,” Adam explained. “We’re meeting her for breakfast then we’re supposed to decide what we’re going to do.”

Kris groaned and buried his face in his pillow again. He’d forgotten all about the promise they’d made. All he really wanted to do was stay in bed with Adam all day. Highly unlikely even if they hadn’t made plans with Allison, since Adam still didn’t know about Kris’ feelings.

Kris turned around in Adam’s embrace. Adam peeked at him through the one eye that wasn’t smashed into his pillow. “Morning,” he said with a smile.

“Good morning,” he said as he wrapped his arms around Adam and tucked himself under Adam’s chin.

“How are you feeling?” Adam asked, stroking Kris’ hair lightly.

“Headache,” Kris told him. “But it’s bearable. Just need some aspirin and food.”

“No nausea?” Adam asked. Kris shook his head. “Well that’s good.” A silence enveloped them that neither cared to break as they cuddled close.

After a few minutes, Adam spoke up. “Hey, Kris.”

“Hmm?”

“Do you remember what happened last night?”

Kris thought about it, remembered how they had danced close and how he could feel Adam’s hardness as they did. He remembered Adam bringing him back to the hotel and taking care of him. He also remembered how Adam had pushed him away when he’d tried to kiss him. Kris sighed. “Yeah, I remember.”

“Are you okay? You seemed… pretty sad.”

Kris looked down for a moment before lifting his gaze back to Adam’s. “I think the alcohol made it a little worse,” he said. “But yeah, I’m kinda sad.”

“Do you miss Katy?”

“No, we still talk, it’s just like old times as friends,” Kris explained. “It’s just… this guy.”

Adam nodded as he stroked Kris’ back gently. “You’re pining for him.”

“Yeah…” Kris whispered.

“Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?”

“Because I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of rejection,” Kris answered. “We’re really good friends and if I tell him how I feel and he doesn’t feel the same…” Kris shook his head sadly. “I don’t want it to ruin what we already have, I don’t want to lose him.”

“So you’d rather have him as a friend than nothing at all, even if it means he never knows how you feel?”

Kris nodded. “Is that weird?”

Adam kissed Kris’ head lightly. “No, not weird at all. I uh, I kind of know how you feel.”

“You do?” Kris asked as he drew back to look at his friend. Adam blushed a light pink that made his freckles stand out. Kris thought it made Adam even cuter. But then he realized what Adam had meant and Kris’ heart skipped a painful beat. “Who are you pining for?”

“He’s… he’s someone I can’t have,” Adam murmured, his eyes downcast.

“How do you know you can’t have him?” Kris asked. “Does he even know how you feel?” Adam shook his head. “Then you can’t really know for sure.”

Adam lifted his gaze to Kris’. “Are you saying that I need to take a leap of faith?”

Kris grinned. “Well, yeah.” He shrugged.

Adam made a face. “I don’t know,” he said slowly.

“Does he make you happy?” Kris asked unsure if he wanted to know the answer.

Adam smiled this adorably bashful smile that made Kris’ heart flutter in his chest. “Yeah,” Adam said. “He makes me insanely happy.”

Kris’ heart sank, but he put on a brave smile and said, “Then you need to tell him how you feel.”

Adam hugged Kris tightly and kissed the corner of his mouth. “Thanks, Kris, I may just do that. Maybe even today.” He winked at Kris then hopped from the bed. “I get the bathroom first!” He called over his shoulder.

As the bathroom door shut behind Adam, Kris rolled away from it and buried his face in the nearest pillow. Did he honestly just encourage Adam to tell some guy how he felt? Was Kris crazy? Yes, yes he was.

He sighed as the tears slipped from his eyes and rolled unchecked down his face until they soaked into the pillow. Why did he have to be such a good friend all the time? Why couldn’t he have been selfish about Adam not wanting to say anything to this guy? Because his mama hadn’t brought him up to be so selfish, especially when it came to his friends.

Kris rolled onto his back and wiped the tears from his eyes. He needed to be stronger than this; he needed to do something to make Adam realize they were supposed to be together. Kris slapped his palm to his forehead. The answer to his problem was easy; he just needed to tell Adam how he felt. But that wasn’t easy; just how was he supposed to do it? He wanted it to be special and romantic, something that would make Adam melt. But what could that one thing be?

Maybe he could talk to Allison on the sly, without Adam knowing, and get some advice. Yes, she wasn’t even legally an adult yet, but that fiery red-head had a very creative and romantic streak like no one Kris had ever met. Plus, she knew Adam almost as well as Kris did, and therefore she really could be a great help in this. With a small nod to himself, Kris decided that he’d let Allison in on his feelings and ask for her help. He also decided that, maybe, he should wait on that room change.

****

Adam and Kris met Allison in the lobby of the hotel, their handlers in tow. After they said their hellos, they decided that the hotel restaurant would be fine for breakfast. They were seated quickly at a booth in the back and gave the waitress their drink orders. The two men listened to Allison ramble non-stop about all the things she had thought up for them to do, only being interrupted when it was time to order their food.

After their breakfasts had been deposited on their table, the trio ate in silence for a few minutes. Adam was the first to break it. “So Kris has some exciting news,” he said.

“I do?” Kris asked confused.

Adam nudged his friend with his elbow. “Yeah, tell Alli about your sexual revelation.” Kris’ eyes widened. He wasn’t sure why Adam would want him to tell Allison his secret, except that both men had never really kept anything from her.

Allison choked on her juice, almost spitting it out, but she slapped her napkin over her mouth before anything could come out. “Excuse me?” She squeaked. “What sexual revelation? Am I too young to hear about this?” Kris blushed a bright red and rubbed at the back of his neck as Allison looked back and forth between him and Adam.

“Naw, you’re not too young,” Adam answered. “Go on, Kris, tell her.” He nudged Kris with his elbow again.

“I um, I’m kind of… bi?” Kris announced, but it sounded more like a question than anything else.

Allison’s huge dark eyes went even bigger and rounder, if that was even possible, and her jaw dropped to the table. “Seriously?”

Kris nodded.

“But what about you and Katy? I mean, being bisexual doesn’t mean you’re not together anymore, but like… are you? Together, I mean?”

Kris looked down at his plate and pushed his food around with his fork. “Katy and I broke up,” he answered quietly. “But it was… a mutual sort of thing.”

“Mutual?” Allison asked. “What was the reason?”

Kris rubbed the back of his neck again, feeling slightly uncomfortable. “I kind of… well, I fell in love with someone else,” he answered with a shrug.

“O.M.G. it’s a guy, isn’t it?” Allison exclaimed.

Kris looked at her with wide eyes. “Keep it down, Alli!” He hissed. “I don’t exactly need the whole world knowing when the guy doesn’t even know yet!”

Allison looked sheepish. “Sorry,” she muttered. “So this person you fell in love with is a guy?” Kris nodded. “Oh, sweetie, you should totes tell him!”

“I can’t.”

“And why the hell not?”

“Language,” Kris and Adam warned in unison, making them both chuckle lightly.

Kris sighed quietly and took a sip of his orange juice. “It’s complicated. We’re really good friends and I don’t want to ruin it if he doesn’t feel the same,” he explained. Allison nodded, a sympathetic look on her face.

This is when Adam decided to speak up. “Kris, you just gotta take your own advice.”

“Yeah, and what would that be?”

“Take a leap of faith. You’ll never know if you can have him unless you tell him how you feel.”

Kris’ heart thudded in his chest, because the look on Adam’s face was so happy and Kris knew it was because of Adam’s own decision to take that same advice.

Kris nodded. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He said and looked down at his half-eaten pancakes.

“What’s with the long face?” Adam asked.

“It’s just… I don’t know how to tell him. I want it to be special and romantic and something that’s… I don’t know, something that’ll make him see how much I care about him,” Kris explained. Across from him, Allison grinned.

“Adam and I can help you with that!” She told him excitedly.

“Really? You’ll help me?” Kris looked back and forth at his friends who were both grinning and nodding. Kris smiled. Maybe having Adam help, too, wouldn’t be so bad. “You guys are the best.”

****

Allison, Kris and Adam had an awesome day out together. There was a carnival in town and they decided to check it out. They all got day passes that allowed them access to all the rides. They ate cotton candy and fried dough and had a huge carton of French fries for lunch. Afterwards Allison dragged the two men to the petting zoo, stating that it was one of the best parts of a carnival. Kris and Adam took pictures of Allison with all the animals she got to feed and pet, llamas, goats, a pig and emus. Allison loved the pig most of all and her friends bought her a little stuffed pig from the petting zoo shop as a souvenir. When they’d gone on every ride, twice, the trio decided it was getting late and they should probably get something for dinner. They found a cute little Chinese place not far from the carnival site and stuffed themselves silly. After that, it was time to head back to the hotel.

****

Adam and Kris walked Allison to her hotel room. They were all exhausted, but she seemed to be doing worse in the energy department. Adam knocked on the door and Lil opened it up. “What did y’all do to this girl?” She asked, chuckling.

Allison grinned. “It was a great day,” she said.

Lil nodded. “I bet it was. You look exhausted.” Allison yawned right on cue. Then she turned to Kris and said,

“We never made a plan for you. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Kris told her with a smile. “We can talk tomorrow.”

Allison smiled. “’Kay.” Then she hugged and kissed her friends before heading into the room she shared with Lil.

Adam and Kris made their way down the hall to their room in silence. Once inside, they took turns showering. They were dusty and dirty from the carnival and petting zoo, and even smelled like said zoo. When they were done, they met on Adam’s bed together, dressed in their pajamas. “Movie night?” Adam asked. Kris nodded as he yawned. “Are you sure? You seem pretty tired.”

“Don’t care,” Kris said. “Just wanna cuddle.”

Adam chuckled lightly and wrapped an arm around Kris’ shoulders, encouraging Kris to lean into him. Kris cuddled into Adam as Adam picked up the remote and flicked the TV on. “So what do you want to watch?” Adam asked. “Anything specific?” Kris shook his head and Adam searched through the movies on the pay-per-view list.

When he finally settled on one, he ordered it and put the remote down. Then he wrapped Kris tightly in his embrace. “Did you have a good day?” Adam asked as he stroked Kris’ hair.

“It was awesome. I liked the goats.”

Adam chuckled quietly. “Were they your favorite?”

“Definitely.”

“I thought so. That’s why I got you this.” He pulled a small stuffed goat out from the drawer of the bedside table.

Kris grinned as Adam handed him the little brown and white animal. “You got me a goat,” he said.

“Do you like it?” Adam asked shyly.

“It’s perfect,” Kris murmured as he turned his face to look up at his friend. At that moment, when their eyes connected, something happened between them that made Kris’ stomach do a somersault three times over. His heart started to beat rapidly against his chest and he could hear his pulse pounding in his ears. He wasn’t exactly sure what he saw in Adam’s eyes at that moment; he just knew that he needed to kiss him.

Kris licked his lips and then leaned in to press his mouth lightly to Adam’s. His eyes immediately fell shut when their lips met, because his wildest dream was finally coming true.

But then Adam was gently pulling away. “What was that for?” He asked quietly, his head cocked to the side.

Kris wasn’t sure he could open his eyes, too scared to see the look on Adam’s face. “I uh… you didn’t like it?”

“Never said that,” Adam replied. There was a pause and then, “Hey, look at me, Kris.”

Kris’ eyelids fluttered before opening. He was so scared that he had ruined things. He definitely needed to give Adam an explanation. But this wasn’t how Kris had wanted to do this; he’d wanted it to be romantic. He was such an idiot.

Kris sighed and shook his head, looking down at his hands where they rested against Adam’s chest, one holding on to the small stuffed goat. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?”

Kris nodded. “I shouldn’t have done that and I’m sorry.”

“Why do you think you shouldn’t have done it?”

Kris shrugged.

“That’s not a good answer, sweetie. What’s the real reason?”

“Because you’re in love with someone and because…” Kris took a deep breath. It was now or never. He lifted his gaze, looked Adam in the eyes and whispered, “This wasn’t how I wanted to do it.”

“Do what?” Adam whispered back, his eyes widening.

“Tell you that I’m hopelessly in love with you.”

****

Chapter Two // Chapter Four...

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter Two

2013-07-22T18:07:21Z

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (02/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: Nothing too bad, just some dancing. ;)
Word Count: 3,665
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

Chapter Two

After the show, the Idols decided they wanted to go out to a club. Allison, not yet eighteen, pouted at this. She was the baby of the group and wanted to hang with the big kids. But Kris promised to do something fun with her the next day as it was a rare day off for them. Adam had chimed in that he’d go along so they could have a Three Musketeers day. Only then did Allison smile widely, kiss the two men on the cheeks and bounce off towards her own room.

Somehow they ended up at a gay club, although Kris was pretty sure it was Adam’s doing. They found a big booth in the back, sat down and began to order drinks. Kris was nervous. Not because he’d never been to a gay club—Adam had wrangled him into going to a few before—but because he was sure Adam was going to get hit on left and right and Kris wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle it. Adam was flirtatious by nature, even when he didn’t mean to be. But what if he went off with a stranger tonight? The mere thought of it had Kris balling his hands into fists in his lap as the waitress turned to him for his drink order.

He asked for a rum and coke, sat back in his seat and drummed his fingers on the tabletop as the group talked over the loud music. He could feel the bass thumping in his chest as he looked across the table at Adam. Adam was talking animatedly to Lil about something or other and it had Kris smiling at the way his hands flew about, adding their own words to the conversation. Suddenly the waitress was back with their drinks and Kris was distracted from his thoughts of Adam.

After a while, Kris was the last one at the table. Even Danny Gokey, who had seemed so uncomfortable when they had first arrived, had gotten up to dance with the others in their group. Kris was draining his fourth rum and coke when Adam sauntered over and slid into the booth next to Kris with a bottle of water. Adam was glowing with sweat, which made the scent of his cologne stronger. It was this spicy scent that made Kris just want to snuggle right into Adam’s side. So he did.

Adam giggled and wrapped an arm around Kris’ shoulders. “Someone’s had too much to drink,” he said. Kris nodded, his face pressed against Adam’s amazing smelling neck. Adam took a swig of his water and pressed his nose into Kris’ hair. “You wanna dance?”

“Hmm?” Kris hummed, too distracted by the feel and smell of Adam to fully comprehend what he had just asked.

“Do you, Kris Allen, want to dance with me, Adam Lambert?” Adam asked slowly.

Kris had seen Adam dance, had been watching him all night in fact, and the thought of dancing with him made a shiver race up his spine and his cock twitch inside his pants. Would he like to dance with Adam? Hell. Yeah.

Kris nodded and lifted his head to look at his best friend. “Only if you promise not to leave me for someone cuter,” he said with a small hiccup at the end.

Adam threw his head back and laughed. “Oh my gosh, you are drunk!”

“Am not,” Kris said with a pout.

Adam leaned in close, making Kris’ breath catch in his throat. “Don’t stick that lip out or it might get caught on mine,” Adam purred, and then grabbed Kris by the hand and dragged him out onto the dance floor.

Kris felt a little wobbly on his legs. Maybe that fourth rum and coke hadn’t been such a good idea. But suddenly he didn’t care, because Adam drew him in close and started to sway to the music. Kris snuggled into Adam’s chest, his face pressed against the soft material of Adam’s shirt. He wondered why he had said yes to this whole dancing thing when in reality, he had two left feet. He remembered why when Adam grabbed his waist and swiveled their hips together to the music, Adam’s noticeable bulge rubbing against Kris’ lower stomach.

Kris bit at his lower lip and tried not to groan, but he couldn’t help it when Adam did another swivel, practically forcing the sound from Kris’ throat. Kris looked up into Adam’s intense gaze and clasped his hands at the back of his neck. He drew Adam down until he could whisper in his ear. “What are you doing to me?” Adam didn’t answer, just gave Kris a wicked smile before spinning him around so they were chest to back.

Kris felt slightly dizzy from the spin and leaned back into Adam for support. Adam, as always, was there to hold Kris up, his arms winding tightly around Kris’ waist. Kris sighed quietly, the sound lost to the loud, pounding music as he let Adam’s larger frame manipulate his smaller one. Their hips moved to the beat, swiveled in tight little circles, and Kris couldn’t help noticing how low on his belly Adam’s hands were. He slid his hands down to cover Adam’s, maybe even pushed them a little lower so Adam’s thumbs hooked over his belt buckle, those long fingers settling dangerously close to where Kris’ pants were starting to tent.

“Mm this is nice,” Adam murmured, his lips oh-so-close to Kris’ ear. Kris nodded, humming in agreement, and ground his ass back against Adam. Adam clucked his tongue in Kris’ ear. “Hey now, no teasing.”

Kris turned around in Adam’s arms, gripped the back of Adam’s neck, and drew him down till they were nose to nose. “’M not teasing.”

“Yeah? And what would Katy say if she saw you?”

Kris straightened up, his head spinning as he did so. Katy! I forgot to tell Adam about Katy! Of all the stupid things Kris had done in his life, this had to be the worst, drunk and flirting with his best friend who had no clue that he and Katy were over. He suddenly felt ill and stumbled his way to the men’s room. He turned the tap on full blast and splashed his face a few times with ice cold water. “Fuck,” he muttered and almost jumped right out of his skin when he felt a hand on his lower back.

“Kris, you okay?” Adam asked.

Kris looked up at Adam’s reflection in the mirror and shook his head. “I don’t feel so good.”

Adam sighed. “Too many rum and cokes?”

Kris nodded, and it wasn’t a complete lie. The bile trying to crawl its way up his throat was due to the alcohol, but it was also due to what he’d been keeping from Adam and the rest of the Idols.

Adam rubbed Kris’ back gently. “Let’s get you back to the hotel, okay? You can shower and have some aspirin and water and lay down. How does that sound?”

Kris turned around and leaned back against the sink as he wiped his face with rough paper towels. “That sounds good,” he said quietly as Adam wrapped an arm around his shoulders and steered him out of the restroom. “Will you wait with me until the cab comes?” He looked up at Adam with hopeful eyes.

Adam smiled gently at Kris and carded a hand through his soft brown hair. “I’ll do one better than that,” he said and kissed Kris on the head, not saying another word as he maneuvered them towards the exit.

Once outside, Kris leaned heavily against Adam, who called for a cab with one arm wrapped tightly around him. Then Adam fooled with his iPhone a moment before putting it back in his pocket. “I just texted Lil to tell her we were leaving,” Adam told Kris.

“Wait, what? We’re leaving?”

Adam nodded, bringing his other arm around Kris to embrace him. “Yes, both of us, I have to make sure you get back to the hotel safely and tuck you into bed.”

Kris snorted. “You’re going to tuck me into bed?”

“Yeah, you deserve a little TLC right now.”

“You really don’t need to do this, Adam,” said Kris, straightening up as a cab pulled up to the curb. “I’ll be fine on my own. You go have fun.” He took a wobbly step towards the cab and Adam caught him around the waist.

“Nope, you need me, just admit it,” Adam said with a grin as he helped Kris into the back seat of the cab.

If he only knew, Kris thought as Adam climbed into the cab beside him.

****

Once in their shared hotel room, Kris flopped face-first onto his bed. It was so much more comfortable than the teeny-tiny bunk on the bus. He sighed quietly and nuzzled against his pillow. As he lay there unmoving, he felt the mattress by his feet sink. He felt hands untie his shoes and gently remove them, and then heard the sound of them hitting the floor with a thud.

Kris peeked over his shoulder and watched Adam take off his socks. He frowned. “Why are you undressing me?”

Adam tossed the pair of socks onto the floor and said, “Because you can’t sleep in your clothes. Besides, I thought you were going to shower.”

“I can undress myself,” Kris replied even as he complied with Adam’s request for him to roll over, relaxing back into his pillow. Adam moved up to sit near his torso next and began to unbutton his shirt with nimble fingers. Kris didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to stop what was happening. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to stop it. So he lay frozen while Adam finished popping the last button from its hole and then helped Kris into an upright position so he could slide the plaid shirt off.

Kris’ heart hammered against his ribcage as Adam threw the flannel to the floor. Then he pushed Kris down onto his back again. He reached for Kris’ belt buckle and Kris inhaled sharply as Adam unfastened the buckle, popped the button of his fly and slowly slid the zipper down. Kris grew hard in his jeans and wished he were one of those guys that couldn’t get it up when he was inebriated. But honestly, this situation was completely sobering, so much so that he was sure he wouldn’t be hung-over in the morning.

Adam moved to Kris’ feet again and grabbed the legs of his jeans, tugging gently until Kris lifted his hips. The denim slid off easily and Adam dumped the pants onto the floor with the rest of Kris’ clothing, leaving Kris in just his boxers. Kris watched as Adam’s gaze slowly made its way from Kris’ toes up, up, up until their eyes met. He sucked in a breath, unable to look away. Their eyes stayed locked as Adam made his way around the bed and sat down on the edge of it near Kris’ hip. Adam reached out to stroke the back of his fingers down the side of Kris’ face. “How’re you feeling? Any better?”

Kris scooted closer and licked his suddenly dry lips. “I’m feeling… less scared,” he said, leaning in.

Adam frowned. “Scared? Scared of what?”

“I’ve waited so long for this,” Kris whispered, his lips just a breath away from their destination.

Adam put a hand to Kris’ chest to stop him. “Kris, you’re drunk.”

“No I’m not,” Kris said.

“How many rum and cokes did you have?”

Kris screwed his face up in thought. “Four.”

“Were they fifty-fifty?” Adam asked.

Kris only nodded, seeing exactly where Adam was going with this.

“You’re drunk, and you’ll regret it in the morning.” Then Adam stood and moved about the room for a few moments before walking back over to Kris. He sat down on the bed and shook two aspirin into Kris’ hand. “Take these,” he commanded gently. “Drink this whole bottle of water and when you get out of the shower, there’ll be another one waiting at your bedside.”

Kris sighed, swallowed the pills down, and chugged the water. Adam stroked Kris’ hair gently and gave his friend a smile. “Go hop in the shower and when you’re done I’ll tuck you in.”

Kris’ eyes filled with tears, but he held them in. He didn’t want Adam to see him cry, especially when Adam thought he was drunk.

He went to the dresser and retrieved a pair of sleep pants and a wife-beater. Then he walked to the bathroom door, taking it one step at a time, so he wouldn’t fall over. Once he reached the bathroom and closed the door, he let the tears finally fall.

As he stepped out of his boxers, he bit down on his lower lip to keep the sobs at bay. He couldn’t believe he was getting so worked up over Adam’s rejection. But then again, he’d been in love with Adam since the moment they met and the rejection hurt, really and truly hurt. Kris didn’t think he’d be able to take rooming with Adam anymore; he’d ask for a room change in the morning.

When the water was warm enough, Kris stepped under the spray and finally, finally, let the sadness take over. He sat down in the bottom of the tub and cried, sobs shaking his body as he poured his pain into the drain. Once he calmed down, Kris used the hotel soap and shampoo to wash up.

After drying off, he wrapped a fluffy white towel around his waist then stepped up to the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed, nothing that couldn’t be explained by the amount of alcohol he had consumed just a short time ago. He sighed at himself, his reflection looking utterly sad, and began to get dressed.

When he exited the bathroom, he dropped his boxers on the pile of dirty clothes Adam had made, walked over to his bed, pulled the blankets back, and sat down on the edge of the mattress. He looked over at Adam and saw him staring down at his iPhone. Kris cleared his throat nervously. “Are you… are you going to tuck me in?”

Adam looked up and smiled at him. “Only if you still want me to.”

Kris nodded. “Please.”

Adam tossed his phone onto his bed and walked across the room to Kris. He pulled the blankets back all the way and waited for Kris to lie down. Then he drew the blankets up to Kris’ chin and tucked them in. “How’s that?” He asked softly.

“Good,” said Kris.

Adam leaned down, pressed a soft kiss to Kris’ forehead and whispered, “Sleep well. There’s water by your bed and I’m here if you need me.”

As Adam pulled away, Kris grabbed him by the wrist. “Stay,” he said quietly.

“What? Why? Are you still feeling sick?” Adam asked, a frown of concern marring his beautiful face.

Kris shook his head. “I…” He licked his lips and then blurted out the only thing he could think of. “Katy broke up with me.” The pitying look that Adam gave him made his eyes fill with tears.

“Oh, sweetie,” Adam cooed, his fingers brushing over Kris’ cheek. “Let me get rid of the makeup and change. Then we can talk, okay?” Kris nodded and Adam leaned down to kiss him on the forehead again.

Adam made his way into the bathroom with his pajamas in hand and Kris watched him carefully remove his makeup, starting first with the eyes then with the rest of his face. Kris pretended not to watch him strip down to his boxer-briefs before pulling on some sweats and an oversized t-shirt. Adam left his dirty clothes in the bathroom and shut the door part way, using the bulb above the sink as a nightlight after making the hotel room dark.

Kris’ eyes stayed glued to Adam as he made his way over to Kris’ bed and slid in next to him. Kris turned onto his side and tucked himself under Adam’s chin, his arms wrapping tightly around Adam’s ribs. Adam wrapped one arm around Kris and stroked the back of Kris’ neck with his free hand. “Talk to me,” he said quietly. “What happened? When did it happen?”

“When I was packing for tour,” Kris said.

“Kris!” Adam gasped, drawing back just enough to look Kris in the eyes. “We’ve been on tour for, like, six weeks now. When were you going to tell me?”

Kris shrugged as he stared at the center of Adam’s chest. He didn’t know why, but he just couldn’t meet his gaze.

Adam sighed and pulled Kris back to his chest, tucking Kris under his chin again. “Did she tell you why she was breaking up with you?”

Kris squeezed his eyes shut tightly. He wasn’t sure how much of the truth he should tell Adam. He breathed deeply, smelling the scent of cologne and sweat mixed together on Adam. Then he hugged him a little tighter and said, “She said I didn’t love her anymore.”

“That’s not true, is it?”

“I’ll always love her,” Kris said. “But things changed between us.”

“What changed? Was it Idol? Could she not handle the fame?”

Kris shook his head. “It wasn’t that.”

“Then what was it?”

“I…” Kris paused. He was one hundred percent positive that he couldn’t tell Adam that he was the cause of the breakup. Not now, not when Adam thought Kris was just drunk. He’d have to tell him some other time. So instead, Kris said, “My feelings changed. Yes, I love her, and I always will. She was my first love, but I don’t love her the same way anymore.”

“What does that mean?”

Kris gnawed on his lower lip for a moment. “It means that… Katy didn’t want to marry someone who was only her friend and I don’t blame her.”

“What about you? Do you want to get back together with her? Is this anything like that first week of senior year in high school?”

Kris knew Adam was asking all these questions because he was genuinely concerned for his friend. Kris also knew that Adam cared deeply for Katy; he also cared deeply for them as a couple. He knew Adam just wanted him to be happy. “This isn’t high school anymore, Adam. There’s no coming back from it this time.”

“Why not?”

“Because… because I fell in love with someone else.”

Kris’ jaw went slack and his eyes wide. He couldn’t believe he just said that out loud, and to Adam no less. That was the closest Kris had ever come to actually stating his feelings and while it was a shock, it was also kind of a relief to finally admit to it.

“You fell in love with someone else?” Adam asked slowly, as if he didn’t understand.

Kris nodded and clung tighter to him. There was a long moment of silence in which neither man spoke. Kris didn’t know what to think of the silence; he was scared, his heart pounding against his chest.

“Adam?” He finally whispered after what felt like an hour had passed. “Please say something.”

“Who?” Adam said it so quietly that Kris wasn’t sure he had heard right. But Adam cleared his throat and repeated the question, a little louder this time. “Who?”

Kris bit his lip hard. “I… I can’t tell you,” he said.

“Why not, is it someone I don’t like? Oh my god, it’s not Allison, is it?”

Kris pulled back to look at Adam in shock. “God no! She’s like my baby sister! Don’t be so gross!”

Adam grinned, a chuckle falling from his lips. “Just trying to lighten the mood,” he told Kris quietly. Kris slapped Adam’s shoulder. “Ow! What was that for?”

“That was so not funny,” Kris stated with a glare.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” Adam apologized. “But seriously, why can’t you tell me? You tell me everything. Or at least you used to.”

Kris’ heart hurt over that last line. “I just… it’s a he,” he said.

Adam frowned. “A he?” Kris nodded. “So, not a woman?” Kris nodded again. “Wow, Kris, I don’t know what to say.” Adam paused. “Are you trying to tell me you’re gay?”

Kris felt himself blush. “I wouldn’t say gay,” he said. “I think bi. I mean, I’m really attracted to women, I like having sex with women, but this guy…” Kris sighed and pressed himself against Adam’s chest again, Adam hugging him tightly. “He makes me really happy.”

“He does?”

“Yeah I’m so in love with him, it’s kind of unbelievable.”

“Oh.”

“I just don’t know how he feels.”

“He hasn’t told you?”

“He uh, he kind of doesn’t know how I feel. Why would he tell me if I haven’t told him?” said Kris.

Adam nodded slowly. “I got ya.” He paused for a moment before saying, “But anyone would be lucky to be loved by you.”

“What?” Kris asked with a giggle.

“I just mean, he’s a lucky guy and I bet he feels the same.”

“I hope so,” Kris said and the two lapsed into a comfortable silence. Kris wondered when and how he should tell Adam that the man he was in love with was actually him. He wanted it to be special, and he wanted Adam to believe him. He was still a bit hurt that Adam had rejected his advances and was scared that it might happen once Adam knew the truth.

Kris sighed and closed his eyes. “Will you stay with me?” He asked softly. “All night, like we used to do in the mansion?”

Adam kissed Kris’ hair lightly. “Of course,” he replied. “I’ll stay as long as you need me.”

“I’ll always need you,” Kris whispered as the pull of sleep finally washed over him.

****

Chapter One // Chapter Three...

Fic: Fight or Flight - Chapter One

2013-07-22T16:28:40Z

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (01/11)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Fic Post
Master Art Post
Warnings: none
Word Count: 1,410
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

Chapter One

When it came to Adam Lambert, Kris Allen couldn’t be trusted, not with his words, his actions or his hormones. For those reasons, Kris made sure to never be alone with Adam. There always had to be at least one other person in the room with them at all times. But Kris wasn’t sure that his strategy was going to work anymore; it was becoming too obvious.

****

“Hope everyone’s on board because it’s time to dig out!” The driver’s voice woke Kris from his nap. He pulled his pillow over his head. He didn’t even know where they were at that point. Had they even left the venue yet? What day was it? How long had he been asleep? With those questions swirling around his brain, he rolled out of his bunk and stretched. His joints popped and he couldn’t help but think that he was too young to be feeling so old. He never knew touring could take so much out of a person.

Kris heard movement coming from the back of the bus and decided to see what was going on. He shuffled down the hall to the lounge, but stopped dead when he saw Adam sprawled out on the couch alone. Hoping that Adam was too engrossed in his book to notice him, Kris quickly turned on his heel, but the sound of Adam’s voice stopped him from taking another step. “Kristopher.”

Kris cursed under his breath and slowly turned around. “Kristopher? Wow, what’d I do now?” He joked as he tried to conjure up a playful smile.

Adam folded down one of the corners in his well-worn book and closed it. Then he sat up, swung his long legs over the side of the couch, and looked at Kris. It wasn’t a good look.

Kris scratched the back of his neck. “So… where’s Allison?” He asked, trying to make conversation when, really, he just wanted to turn and run, but Adam’s piercing eyes had glued him in place.

Adam gestured to the empty couch across from his. “Can we talk?”

“Sure, what about?” Kris asked as he entered the room and sat down.

“Why you’ve been avoiding me,” Adam answered, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes narrowed.

Kris rubbed the back of his neck again; it was a nervous habit. “I-I haven’t been avoiding you.”

Adam snorted. “Yeah, that’s why you keep rubbing your neck.” He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. “I know you, I know when you’re uncomfortable. What’s up, dude?”

“I um…” Kris’ eyes flitted around the little lounge as if the answer to Adam’s question was written on the wall somewhere. When he was finally convinced it wasn’t there, he licked his lips slowly and let his gaze move back to Adam. He was looking at Kris intensely and the hurt in his eyes was obvious.

“I’m sorry,” Kris whispered.

Adam’s face fell. “Why?” He asked softly.

Kris looked down at his hands and shrugged. “I can’t be trusted around you.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means…” Kris looked around the room again for that damn writing on the wall and once again, he couldn’t find it. Adam’s expression was hard and Kris knew he was bracing himself for something horrendous. His hands were clasped together between his knees. Kris leaned forward and touched them. “I’m sorry,” Kris said again. “But I just can’t get into this with you.” He gave Adam’s hands a squeeze and left the room without another word.

Kris climbed back into his bunk and curled into a tight ball. Why couldn’t he just tell Adam how he felt? It wasn’t like he and Katy were still together. They had broken up before Kris had left for tour. He remembered it all too clearly. He’d just won American Idol and only had two weeks before the tour began. A few days before they were scheduled to head out, everything changed.

****

Kris was packing his bags for the entire summer. Katy was there to support him, as usual, but they both knew that things were different now.

Kris hated calling her his girlfriend when his feelings for her had changed. And it wasn’t just his feelings; their relationship had changed, too. Sometimes Kris wondered if Katy knew how he felt, the things he wasn’t telling her about, and that’s why their relationship was changing. Or maybe it was he himself who had changed. Kris sighed and continued folding up his plaid shirt.

Suddenly Katy appeared by Kris’ side. “Hey,” she said quietly.

Kris gave her a small smile. “Hey.”

“Can I help?” she asked. Kris nodded and she picked up a pile of shirts.

They folded Kris’ clothes in awkward silence until Katy spoke up. “Kris,” she began quietly. “I know.”

“You know?” Kris asked, confused.

“You’re keeping things from me and well, I know.”

Kris went pale and swallowed against his dry throat. “You… you do?”

Katy nodded. “I know you don’t love me anymore,” she whispered.

“That’s not true!” He did still love her, but it wasn’t the kind of love you had for someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

Katy placed her hand on Kris’ arm. “Maybe you still love me,” she said. “But not like you used to and I know it’s because you’ve developed feelings for… someone.”

Kris sat down on the edge of the mattress. “You say that like you don’t know who it is,” he said as he looked down at his hands, at the shirt he’d been folding balled up into his fists.

“I don’t want to assume,” Katy told him. “Because if I’m wrong, I think you’ll take it badly.” She shrugged.

“You just want me to admit it, but I haven’t even admitted it to myself.”

“You don’t have to admit it to me, Kris. But you should at least admit to yourself that you’re in love with him.”

Kris’ head popped up at Katy’s last word. She did know who it was. “You’re not mad? That I fell in love with… a guy?” He was nervous about her answer and wasn’t sure he’d be able to take it if she hated him for it.

Katy shook her head and tucked her hair behind her ear. She smiled at Kris and said, “Babe, you can’t help who you fall in love with. You’ve always told me that.”

Kris scrubbed his face with his hands. “I didn’t mean to fall in love with him.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“I know and you haven’t. I’m just… sad that we ended. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, Kris, that’s why I was so supportive about the whole Idol thing.” Katy shrugged. “Adam makes you happy, happier than I’ve ever seen you. I want you to be that happy all the time and if you being with him makes you that way, then that’s what I want for you.”

Kris’ eyes filled with tears. He couldn’t believe how understanding Katy was being. He wasn’t sure he would be if he were in her shoes. He stood and wrapped her in a tight hug. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you for being such a great person and being so understanding and… I’ll always love you. You were my first true love.”

“Stop,” said Katy. “You’re going to make me cry.” She squeezed Kris tightly and chuckled. Then she drew back far enough to look Kris in the eye. “Thank you for showing me how a girl is supposed to be treated. The next guy that comes along is going to have some pretty big shoes to fill.” Kris snorted, a tear tracing down his cheek. “Hey, don’t cry,” Katy said as she wiped the lone tear away.

“Sorry, I can’t help it. You’re just so sweet and understanding. Thank you.” He kissed her on the cheek. “We’re okay?”

Katy nodded. “We’re okay, we’re still friends.” Kris breathed a sigh of relief and hugged Katy close again. He always knew she was too good for him.

****

Now here it was a month and a half into the tour, and Kris still hadn’t said the words out loud: I love you, Adam. It was always a faint whisper in his brain, or sometimes a deafening scream. Either way, his love for Adam was always on his mind. He just didn’t know how to let it out in the open.

****

...CHAPTER TWO...

Fight or Flight Master Post

2013-07-22T15:52:32Z

Title / Chapter: Fight or Flight (complete)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Beta: scorpio_15
Artist: adobejunkie
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: NC-17 over all
Notes: First written for all_unwritten writing prompt #234: I can’t be trusted. Continued for kradambigbang Round 4.
Other Notes: Kris and Katy weren’t married when he was on Idol, but they were dating.
Master Art Post
Warnings: strong language, explicit sexual content, rimming
Word Count: 23,481 (not including lyrics)
Summary: Kris and Katy call it quits before the Idol Tour begins because Kris is in love with Adam. But Kris is too afraid to tell Adam how he feels. Until one day it slips out and Kris thinks he’s ruined everything. But little does he know, Adam feels the same. Their relationship has it’s ups and downs, but what will win out in the end? Is it fight or flight for this pair?

ONE / TWO / THREE / FOUR / FIVE / SIX / SEVEN / EIGHT / NINE / TEN / ELEVEN!

Worst Day Ever....

2013-06-27T21:24:40Z

So today feels like the worst day ever.

Monday I started my second online class at Southern New Hampshire University. (I'm half time so I only have to take one class at a time) I'm in term six right now, the first term I started last year. But there were some complications with my narcolepsy medicine making me severally depressed and I couldn't function let alone do school work. I took some time off, then did a class and completed it with an A- (3.67 GPA). Then I tried intro to psych and got so overwhelmed I withdrew and at some point I also withdrew from another class. All in all, I thought my college career was over. But then I decided to sign up for Intro to Creative Writing which is what I'm taking now. It's Thursday and I already have all my work done for the week... and our weeks go from Monday to Sunday, so I'd say I'm on a roll.

But here comes the bad news. I got an email today from the financial aid people stating that my financial aid has been suspended because I was up for annual review and I do not meet all the criteria for Satisfactory Academic Progress. Undergraduates have to maintain a GPA of 2.0, so that's fine. But UG students also have to have a minimum of 67% completion of credits they've attempted. Because of when I withdrew from those 2 courses, they don't count (apparently). So that leaves Intro to Soc and College Comp I as the two courses they look at. Well, Intro to Soc I didn't withdraw from until almost the end of the class so I got a big fat W on my program plan. Then I got the A- for College Comp I. So basically, I have a 50% completion of credits.

What does all this mean?

It means I need to appeal the decision. I have to write them a letter telling them who I couldn't complete my class and prove to them that it's been resolved. But it's not resolved because it's my disability that kept me from completing class. And I'm not in Special Ed (which would give me some special consideration) because my therapist and prescriber didn't do the application in a way that would make me eligible for Disability Services.... which is stupid because I should automatically get it since I've been coded for Special Ed since I was in 7th grade.

If I my case is denied, the ONLY way I can continue my courses (in order to get to a 67% completion) is to pay out of pocket. I've already been told I may have to drop the class I'm in now. I'm so pissed and depressed and I don't know what to do.

But my mom just came home so she can help. And I really need the help because apparently the SAP Appeal Committee meets TOMORROW! wtf? Why couldn't they have told me sooner?

I hate my life right now.

Family Ties

2013-05-15T22:59:21Z

By the end of the night I'll have smoked way too many cigarettes and probably have cried… again. Does anyone remember how my younger half-sister and I got in this big blowup about 3 or 4 years ago? Yeah, well, it's been extended to most all of my family on that side.

Last fall, I think, is when it happened. My cousins and aunt got into a terrible fight with my friends on my Facebook page. Then my brother jumped in. Basically the cousins and aunt were so horrible I deleted them and eventually had to block them for same reasons. Then a few months later I found my youngest sister's tumblr page and she flipped out that I had looked at it—she has an IP tracker on it so she knew I was looking. This eventually led to BOTH of us stalking each others tumblrs. Then she took it to my brother and he was an ass about saying that I needed to "get a day job" and that I was crazy and he was sick of my lies or whatever. Then he blocked me on FB when I told him to fuck off for saying those things.

We haven't spoken since and I miss him. My younger sisters on the other hand… I can't say that I miss them exactly. It's more that they're family and I'm obligated to care, but they're not the type of people I want to associate with because all they do is backstab you and lie to you and are just generally cruel.

But my brother? Yeah, that's the only time he's ever been so mean to me without deserving it. I'm not even sure what I did, why he got pissed in the first place to make him say those things. I guess I just want an explanation but I don't know how to get one. He blocked me on FB and I can't exactly just call him. I mean, I could email him but I doubt he'd even read it.

Also, supposedly, my father isn't speaking to me either bc of the blow out with my aunt and cousins. I haven't talked to him since last Father's Day and it sounded like he didn't even know which kid he was talking to. He doesn't even have the guts to call me and ask what's going on, he just cuts me off.

I don't understand why I get treated like shit when I'm more often than not a really nice person. Whereas my younger sister treats people like they're not worth shit yet people treat her as if her shit don't stink. It makes absolutely no sense to me.

She tells me I'm lazy and I'm fat. She says she wants to watch me bleed like a stuffed pig. She threatens to beat the shit out of me if I step foot across the state line. But she doesn't have a job. She's a stay at home mom, which is definitely a job in itself. But she acts like she's the most important person in the world because of it. And now that my nephew will be starting school next year, she's pregnant again. Probably because she doesn't want to get a job when he goes off to school.

And me? I'm actually trying to do something with my life. I get paid to write stories and I'm going to school to get a DEGREE in writing.

Yes, I sound bitter and pissy, but you would too if this was the kind of shit you had to deal with from your family. Supposedly my dad thinks that my disabilities are "whatever her mother and her can come up with." My sister told me this so it's either a lie to hurt me or the truth which yeah hurts. But he has no clue about my disabilities because he's never asked. NO ONE on that side of the family have asked. They think I'm faking my disabilities and mooching off the government.

Yes, I don't have a job. Yes, I get money from the government. But no, I'm not mooching and no, I'm not abusing the system like some people do. I've been considered disabled for more than half my life. If I could work (other than writing) I'd do it because being 28, disabled and still living at home isn't something you wanna brag about. But that's where my life is, this is where I'm comfortable. I'm trying to gain more independence but its hard for me. Lots of every day things are hard for me, but I'm not complaining. This is the hand I was dealt and I've made leaps and bounds in the progress area. Not that anyone on that side of the family would know. They don't care. But if I keep getting better at the pace I'm going, maybe I'll be able to get off disability someday. Who knows. But until then, I'm fine with where I'm at and where I'm going.

But that still doesn't mean I don't miss my dad or my brother because I honestly do. I just don't know how to reach out and get an explanation as to why I've been cut off.

Anyway. Time to take the Bear out.

Let's Play Pain-By-Numbers…

2013-05-06T14:01:59Z

So I know I haven't posted much in a long time. But I think I want to get back to updating this thing. Especially now that I'm doing kradambigbang and I'll be starting school again in mid-June; I'll need a place to vent.

So what's up with me? Well, last Monday I woke up with a back ache. No biggie, it went away after a while. It happened again the rest of the week until by Friday I was in pain all day and it was so severe I could barely move. I didn't even get much sleep that night bc I was in so much pain I couldn't get comfortable even with three ibuprofen on board. Saturday was the same deal and by the afternoon I had upper belly pain. Great.

Yesterday I woke up, after having taken ibuprofen pm the night before, feeling a bit better. I could move a little better and the pain was tolerable. But the belly pain was still there.

This morning, back and belly still hurt, but it's tolerable. The only thing is that my belly pain got worse after having breakfast. So now my mom and I are wondering if I have gallstones. I have almost every risk factor for them, I have some of the symptoms plus there's a family history. Also, my friend Jenn had her gallbladder removed a few years ago and she said my symptoms seem a lot like hers did.

Trying not to self-diagnose here, but it's hard. I called the doctor at around 9am. It's now almost ten and I'm still waiting for the nurse to call me back. My mom wants me to see my regular doctor, but she doesn't work Mondays. The pain isn't enough that I couldn't wait till tomorrow so I could see my PCP but I'm going to do whatever the nurse suggests. So if she wants me seen today, Ma will just have to deal and come pick me up.

I'll update you once I know more. Hope you're all doing well. I've missed you. ♥

I Can't Be Sane…

2013-05-02T02:50:15Z

I signed up for kradambigbang. What was I thinking? O.o

Beat of Your Heart Update

2012-08-01T22:01:39Z

So I've started writing in The Beat of Your Heart again. I already have Chapter Three finished, but I don't want to post it until I have a few more chapters under my belt. I'm sorry that it's been over two years since I've written in the story. But after I recently found out that it was being discovered by people, I decided to pick it back up. I hope you all will continue to read once I start posting it again. Also to the newcomers: thanks for your comments.

Well, I must get to work on Chapter Four.
Talk later.

♥amanda: jaclyn's twin sister

Master Post: The Beat of Your Heart

2012-08-01T21:51:13Z

Title: The Beat of Your Heart
Author: writefiction
Pairing: Zac Hanson / OFC [Julie Warren]
Rating: PG-13 (subject to change)
P.O.V.: First Person, Zac Hanson
Author’s Notes: AU
Warning: Pre-story character death
Summary: Mr. and Mrs. Zachary Hanson get into a car wreck after their wedding reception. Kate Hanson doesn’t make it while her husband survives. Zac doesn’t remember anything from the accident and it kills him. He goes into a deep depression and only manages to make it out when a very special person takes an interest in him; the woman who received his wife’s heart.

PROLOGUE / CHAPTER ONE / CHAPTER TWO /

Mold Related Health Issues

2012-03-26T23:31:10Z

After my mom looked up some of the symptoms of mold related health problems, she thinks my chronic fatigue could definitely be mold related. Especially since no one can find another cause. I also read somewhere that it can cause hair loss and depression, which could explain my emotional turmoil since moving in. But we don't really know for sure and I don't see my doctor until, like, June.

Not quite sure what the plan is. But maybe things will be looking up soon.

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