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NFL Players Vow to Continue Tradition of Celebrating Big Plays by Giving Each Other Traumatic Brain Injuries
The NFL’s recent push to eliminate unnecessary head contact during post-play celebrations has met stiff resistance from the Players Association.
Jan 15
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Benjamin Witt
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Behold The Simple Mouse, A Useless Economic Unit
Behold the simple mouse.
Jan 12
•
Benjamin Witt
1
Prospective Juror Dismissed for Aggressive Neutrality
The jury selection process for a high-profile civil suit in Brooklyn was disrupted Thursday after a prospective juror was dismissed for what the judge…
Jan 8
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Benjamin Witt
Husband, Father, Human Garbage Can
The evening service began with a clear directive.
Jan 5
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Benjamin Witt
1
Serial Restaurateur Launches Hedge Fund Devoted Exclusively to "Buying the Dip"
The serial entrepreneur behind the spectacularly failed dining concepts Dips, Chips, Sides, Realistic Food, Quantum Dips, Trough, Tips for Dips, and…
Jan 1
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Benjamin Witt
1
Mini Announces "Growth Spurt" Lineup Featuring the Mini XL, XXL, and Colossus
In a doubling down on their recent “Size Creep” strategy, Mini Cooper announced today a comprehensive overhaul of its fleet, introducing a graduated…
Dec 29, 2025
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Benjamin Witt
Nation Envious of Man Who Has No Idea What Is Going On
In a revelation that has sparked widespread jealousy across the country, a local man has been identified as having absolutely no idea what is happening…
Dec 25, 2025
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Benjamin Witt
1
Tech Giants Reassure Public, “Your Group Chats Are Too Incoherent for AI Training”
Fears are mounting in group chats nationwide that private conversations are being secretly used to train the next generation of artificial intelligence.
Dec 22, 2025
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Benjamin Witt
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