In much the same way that one might say a song can take on significant meaning or feel like a message from the universe (like shufflemancy!), I will sometimes realize a show or movie I’ve chosen to watch has a lesson or message for me that pertains to my current circumstances, too. I found it to be incredible timing that I chose to watch the Spartacus series (again) not long before the 2024 election. A few days after the election, when I was having a total meltdown/existential crisis, I just so happen to be at the most appropriately motivating speech in the series, basically about how the “little” people will always over power the “big,” bad people when they come together and have a just purpose.

I was like wow! I really freakin’ needed that right now! That was amazing timing! Divine timing, even! I thought then about how many times something similar had happened to me in recent memory that I could remember. I can’t stand taking forever to choose something to watch, anymore than I can stand spending forever looking for the closest parking spot. Take the first one that looks good and move on with your life! Bahahaha! That being said, I feel like my super quick and somewhat impulsive (or maybe super intuitive) method of choosing something to watch lends well to the right one just happening to land in my lil lap like this.

Well it happened again. This time it was actually two movies I’ve been incredibly hyper-focused on ever since. First I watched The Walk, the 2015 biographical drama about Phillipe Petit’s unfathomable wire walk between and atop the Twin Towers on August 7, 1974. He’s credited with giving the Twin Towers a soul, because before his walk between them everyone kind of hated them.

I knew the story and had learned something about it a long time ago, but this time it hit me differently and I was consumed by it. It’s so hard to wrap your head around someone doing something so bold, so outrageous, so death-defying, so life-invoking! I had to pause at times while watching it to regulate my nervous system because I was so anxious watching not just his walk, but also the coup it took to pull it off. Afterall, what he did was thoroughly illegal. He was absolutely obsessed with doing the impossible, and he did, with the help of some friends who trusted in and believed in him and his dreams. I couldn’t get it out of my head, so later I watched Man on Wire, the 2008 documentary about it.

French wire walker, Phillipe Petit, didn’t just walk on a wire cable 1,368 feet in the air (110 stories), between two of the tallest towers in the world at the time. He walked back and forth eight times, spending a total of 45 minutes up there, and walking really isn’t accurate either. He danced, kneeled down to salute all of New York City, and he even laid down on the wire. Like what?! He was also crazy enough to look all the way down, something that not even wire walkers usually do. Phillipe Petit is still alive and still brining joy to the world with his wire walking, even in his 70s. He is clearly here for a purpose, one he so incredibly fulfilled, and I think it was to remind humanity to live it the fuck up; to chase your dreams no matter how crazy because the world needs your special kind of crazy. So just keep this in mind for now. We’re going to be coming back to Mr. Petit.

As I mentioned in my last issue, I’ve not quite been myself. I’ve been battling a slew of symptoms from an assortment of disorders and chronic shtuff I’ve accumulated over the course of my trauma-filled life, including some depression, and it’s been getting on my nerves. It’s keeping me from doing all the things I want to be doing. So I’ve been trying to do something about it, starting with gently forcing myself to move my body a bit more through yoga and dance, as my cards suggested in last week’s reading of the week.

Gently forcing is a type of gentle parenting, if you didn’t know (I just made it up). Imagine if your kid was melting down about having to take a bath or brush their teeth. Do you just give in and let them skip it? No. Trust me. That’s setting a bad parent precedent. You have no choice but to force them, but you can force them gently and with love rather than in a mean, authoritative way. So that’s what I mean by gently forcing myself to move my beautiful lil body, and it has started to wake me up out of the fog a bit. I’ve started making some progress with getting back on track with proper self-care, my energy levels have increased a bit, and I’ve also seen some mild mood improvements, too.

My cards have been telling me, through various readings, that I’m avoiding myself and that I’m depressed because I’m not really letting myself create again. They’ve also been throwing at me a lot of the energy of the page in tarot (curiosity, exploration, and a beginner’s mindset) combined with the warning of the knight (have a plan rather than just charging ahead blind).

I think the page/knight vibes are meant to help me see that the reason it feels hard to share what I’m creating just yet is because it’s not time to share it just yet! I started putting so much pressure on myself to share that it crippled my actual creation process. The fight or flight we’re all struggling to stay out of right now is definitely activating my sense of urgency, too. There’s no rush, though. It may be spring, but you can’t rush what isn’t ready to bloom. I may no longer be the same caterpillar, but I’m also not quite a fully formed butterfly yet, and I’m not yet ready to leave the safety of my cocoon.

That’s ok. So I’m a lil stuck in the void; the place between who I was and who I am now. I think the issue is that I’ve just been hoping it’ll sort itself out, but it’s actually going to require my attention and some effort. I know this. I’ve been through this many times before, but much like I imagine one forgets how much childbirth hurts when one decides to go through it again, I seem to have forgotten the discomfort and hard work it takes to birth a new version of myself. In the past I’ve utilized crystals, reiki, spell work, meditation, art, affirmations, sigils, and lots of quality time with myself, focused on play and exploration, to help coax a new version of me out into the world. I’ve known this is what I need, but all of my symptoms and lack of energy have made it hard to actually do…or was I avoiding it a bit before that too? …

Yea. I think I was. And once I realized that I got frustrated and annoyed with myself a bit. Why am I still afraid and holding myself back??!! Dangit! I can feel this incredible, even more authentic version of me just below the surface. In fact, I think a lot of my irritability and anger lately has been just straight up frustration that I can’t seem to get her out.

Every single time I’ve gone through this rebirth, each level up, I only ever get better!! My life opens up and I find deeper peace, greater joy, and more gratitude and abundance than before. Not to mention I always seem to find more gifts and interests, too. So what’s my freakin’ dealio, yo?! Bahahahaha! That was for real the title of my last issue, but I didn’t remember that as I typed it. It’s just what was in my heart! LOL! Fear is seriously so annoying, right?

I can always tell when the universe is setting me up for big transformation and growth, and I’ve definitely been set up. It’s not exactly been an easy lil alley-oop, but I’ve for sure been presented with some large opportunities for growth and spiritual awakenings, though. The loss of such an important friend during eclipse and retrograde season was a big Tower moment waiting to happen. And we know what comes on the other side of The Tower (or if you don’t you’re about to): The Star, and The Star means hope. The tower falling clears the path, and I am ready to get back on my journey.

So I’m not someone who’s ever used drugs or alcohol much at all, especially as an escape. In fact, I have very limited experience when it comes to drugs in general, and I’ve always felt like alcohol was poisoning me. I only ever drank to fit in, to be honest, and now I don’t drink at all because I don’t care to fit in and it’s not worth the increased POTS symptoms. I’d rather have caffeine than alcohol if I’m going to splurge on a diuretic, thank you very much.

Marijuana, however, has been a dear friend and comfort since I was 18 years old. It helps me eat, sleep, and calm the fuck down. I didn’t use marijuana while I was pregnant or breastfeeding, so for about three years, but otherwise I’ve graciously utilized this gift from the earth every single day of my adult life. I’ve never used this earth medicine to escape my life or myself, though, only to get closer to myself. And feel better.

I had become curious about psychedelics as a source of healing and a way to journey inward along my healing journey, but had never come across the opportunity to try them, at least not in the type of safe and sacred way I was interested in. Now that my husband has (finally) gotten his healing journey underway, he’s gotten really into growing lots of interesting strains of psilocybin right here at home. Our spare room, once only my sacred space, is now the “Mushroom Sanctuary,” as I share it with him for his growing needs. These funky, magic mushies have been helping him access suppressed feelings and memories so that he can heal. I’ve slowly been trying small doses myself when my intuition tells me that the wisdom of the mycelium network might be able to help me with my healing and shadow work.

I’ve not tried enough yet to be completely ripped from my body, but I’ve had a few really beautiful and profound experiences with milder amounts. I find that it immediately dislodges any stuck emotions, whether I like it or not, and then I tend to be able to access my inner child, joy, and just my inner world, in general with much greater ease. In very low doses (like 0.3g), or micro-doses, psilocybin has been shown to help greatly with symptoms of depression and trauma. My husband has been making little capsules of about 0.5g that I’ve taken here and there on days when I feel like it could help. Recently he gave me a new jar with a new strain I hadn’t tried, and on Monday, thinking about how I really wanted help getting unstuck, for the new and improved Erin to get to bust out, I decided to take one. Jeffrey (that’s hubby) is off work on Mondays, so he could hang with our little man, and I could spend some time to myself meditating, journaling, and exploring me a bit with the help of the fungi.

Video: early formation of homegrown psilocybin mushrooms called “pins.”

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Well, surprise, this strain was significantly stronger and I was like woah, this ain’t no micro-dose. I was fortunate that I was home for a bit when it kicked in, before more dog walking and a chiropractor/reiki appointment later in the afternoon. I don’t like the feeling of being out of control or for these kinds of surprises, but I just knew that this happened for a reason. I didn’t let the anxiety take over, and instead I got myself real, real comfy and put on a yoga nidra meditation.

As I was guided inward to establish an intention for the rest of the meditation, I immediately saw what appeared to be a frantic rushing of all of these parts of me, all trying to escape up and out of darkness, through a small hole above with light shining through it. It felt like all of the trapped, new me, all of my repressed feelings, all of my repressed creativity, all fighting to get out.

So I set my intention to let my new, true self out; to be free. Now, it’s probably important for me to mention at this point, because most of you incredible people who read what I write don’t know me at all (something I find wonderfully baffling), that I tend to come across to people as extremely authentic and confident. I don’t come across at all as shy, and I seem so bold and different from other people as it is. Be that as it may, I promise you that the real me takes up even more space, exudes so much love and joy, leads and creates fearlessly, and isn’t at all afraid of the world’s reaction to her. She’s right there! I can almost make her out!

So anyway, I set my intention to let my freak flag fly totally free, no longer at half-mast, and then I let myself relax into my inner world. Very quickly I was aware, in a way I’ve only experienced one other time before, of just how astonishingly expansive I am. The first time I had this feeling I was in Savasana, or corpse pose, on my yoga mat after a really wonderful yin class that brought up a lot of emotions. I never quite understood what that meant before, or what a psychic had said to me near the beginning of my healing journey, “you are limitless.” In that first moment of experiencing my inner world without any blinders on, I began to understand.

With the help of the wise and ancient psilocybin mycelium I’d ingested (rather casually on a Monday afternoon), I once again found myself in the tremendously vast, cathedral-like halls of my never-ending inner-world. And that’s exactly what it’s appeared as both times I’ve experienced this; in other words, both with and without the influence of shrooms. Normally when I’m sitting in my brain, it feels more like an attic space; small with low ceilings and not much light. What it’s truly like is such the opposite. So much light pouring into beautiful, clear, welcoming halls and chambers. It really does feel like standing in the greatest, most massive cathedral-like space, full of never-ending and super inspiring morning light.

It’s so tremendous that it took my breath away and I had that feeling you get when you stand too close to the edge of a tall drop-off. The limitlessness and expansiveness of my true self made me, the witness I guess, feel small and scared…of myself… Yea. I know. Super strange.

I immediately thought of Phillipe Petit, though. I thought of how insane and also incredibly brave he was to take his foot, the one that was still on the south tower, lift it up, and place it with his other foot on that cable, stretched out into space and suspended 1,368 feet in the air. Phillipe said in the documentary that anywhere there was a void between two things, he imagined a wire there. I stood there in my breath-takingly large and seemingly infinite cathedral of self, and I began to see a wire there, extending out to infinity also.

I realized that it really is true, what I’ve been saying for so long now, that the most important journey we’ll ever take is the one inward. In fact, those are the lyrics to a song I’m working on about shadow work:

The most important journey,
That you will ever take,
Is the sacred journey
Into your inner landscape,

What I might need to add to the lyrics is the also very real truth that it’s kind of a scary journey! It’s extremely important, but also a teeny bit terrifying, to see what you’re really made of. This experience made me realize that at this point I’m far more afraid of succeeding than I am of failing. If I fail, I’m still right here in the life I’m used to. Feels safe, right? Staying in what you know? But if I succeed (and I really do believe in myself, my purpose and my gifts, making me pretty likely to succeed) I have to accept a lot of change. I have to accept a lot more eyes on me, a lot more pressure and responsibility, a lot more criticism and a lot more praise, both of which bring their own challenges to the ego and self. Mo’ money, mo’ problems, and shit, too, you know? LOL! Bahahaha! That song really did come on as I was driving to the chiropractor the same day, funnily enough.

I’ve been noticing this for a while, and I think it’s time to stop noticing and start taking some action to change it, that I really am afraid to show up and stand out as my true self, exuding my true joy and love of my life and myself. I stand out so much already as it is, and that’s even while actively blocking myself and trying to hide/dim my dang light!!! One of the biggest reasons is what others think, which seems insane to still be caring about at all at this point, but I am. I have to admit it. I am. I’m afraid of it on two ends of the spectrum I feel like, too.

I’m afraid I’ll make other people feel bad about themselves if I shine my brightest. I’m afraid it’ll just illuminate their struggles to feel joy, love themselves, and shine authentically. I’ve been the uncomfy mirror many, many times, but I do not revel in it one bit. It makes me hurt for them, people who see their shadow selves in me, the parts of them begging to come out.

I worry that will be the case because it’s how I used to feel. I used to feel so small and so envious around people who knew who they were and could confidently chase their dreams, because that felt lifetimes away for me. When we (unhealed humans) experience envy like this and we aren’t able to sit with it and learn from it, we instead tend to either play the victim, making others feel bad for daring to shine and make us feel small, or we lash out, taking our frustration out on the shiny people and also probably trying to kick them down to our level a bit.

I think I’m perhaps even more afraid of people who are really hurting, like I was, seeing me freely creating, freely sharing myself and my gifts, being joyful and vibrant, and them thinking, “Oh, that must be so nice for her. She’s probably had it so easy and has no idea how hard it is to be happy and do what you want to with your life when you don’t have any support, when you have CPTSD, and you’re a struggling mom, and…” I’m afraid that I’ve healed so much, that I’ve done it so well, that I’m seeing the rewards of those intensely difficult efforts so much, that people won’t know how fucking hard I worked to get here. That they won’t see me. That they won’t know how hard-earned it all is. That they won’t understand…

Damnit!!!! I’ve come so far in my ability to be misunderstood. If I can let go of the trying to control the narrative with my family, if I can let go of them and what they think of me for my health and well-being, surely I should be able to do that with strangers! I know, deep down I really do know, that although there are people who won’t understand me, who won’t understand how far I’ve come and what a magical fucking miracle it is that I’m even here, let alone doing anything that I’m doing, but that there are even more importantly going to be people who do see me and who also see themselves in me. I may trigger some, but I will inspire others. Just like people have both triggered and inspired me along the way and will continue to. I cannot stop myself because of what the world’s reaction to me might be. I cannot. I refuse to. I would rather fall off the wire trying than never get out on that wire.

Phillipe Petit refused to perform in circuses or the like. He wasn’t some silly performer, he was an artist. He saw the wire as his stage, and he became a totally different person when he stepped out onto it. I think arguably he was his most true self, and still is, when he’s in the void. I can’t help now but think of every artist as a wire walker of sorts, fearlessly traversing their inner worlds and then being brave enough to share it with the rest of us.

I really believe, more and more with each layer of this existence that I uncover, that we each come to this life to learn lessons, but that we’re also each here to deliver our own special magic or message to the collective. Like we each have a piece of some super special, super encrypted code that the world needs, but only you can decipher and deliver yours, and only I can decipher and deliver mine. I really think I’ve been feeling depressed because I know all of this and yet I’m still holding myself back!!!!

What this tells me is that I need to get down to damn business. Witchy business, y’all! I need to dust off my altar, re-organize my lil witch’s workbench, spend some quality-ass time with myself, and design a killer spell to assist me in my endeavors. I haven’t been doing as much ritual and spell work lately, pretty normal for me for the winter months, but I know I for sure need to use all the tools I have at my disposal, and these are some powerful tools, my babes. I’m going to start with a reading I did using a tarot spread I created just for this situation; inspired by Phillipe Petit’s inconceivable 110 story wire walk and my Monday mini mushie adventure.

We’re about to check it out in the Tarot Reading of the Week, and then I’m going to go look in my spell book for a Phoenix Rising spell I created and used several years ago, and decide if I’d like to use it or be inspired by it in my creation of a spell to help me find my courage to fly like a sparkly butterfly now. I may or may not share it with you in the future. I just trust my intuition on a case by case basis when it comes to sharing ritual or spell work.

Tarot Reading of the Week

I decided to hand draw and handwrite this tarot spread, something I’d never done before! It was fun and I’m happy with it! This spread takes you on a lil mental journey into the void, much like a wire walker like Phillipe Petit might have gone on several times in order to convince himself to do the un-fucking-thinkable thing he did! You start at number 1, on the south tower, and you begin to have very logical thoughts that maybe it would be better to keep your feet on the safe and solid ground. The first card will address your initial, knee-jerk fear reaction a bit.

After that, I thought you could really use some incentive and inspiration. So for card number 2 you get to look all the way over at the north tower, your destination, and ponder at what you’ll gain by conquering your fear. For card number three 3 you’re going to peel off a thick, scabby layer of your fear, going deeper and really staring it right in the freaking face. You’re going to look down; something that Phillipe Petit was actually crazy enough to do during his death-defying walk between the twin towers. Once you’ve faced your fear, you might as well accept whatever the worst case scenario might be. The fourth and final card let’s you go ahead and hit the proverbial pavement, letting you see the worst that could really happen. Trust me when I say that anytime I put a card like this in a spread, it’s always an opportunity to see that it’s almost never as bad as we think it’s going to be, and in fact, it could be way better than we think instead.

1. What’s Keeping Me Stuck Here?

Child of Spells (Page of Wands): Not wanting to put in the time to see myself or to focus in on my dreams for the future. I just want to be there. Can I just skip the uncomfy parts, thanks? No?

The Wedding Day Roses: I’m also holding onto the past and/or my old self. That all tracks.

2. What’s Waiting for Me on the Other Side?

Two of Visions (Cups): I was not at all expecting this response, but maybe I should have because I’ve been getting this message a LOT, come to think of it. It seems I’ll find a kindred spirit, true friend, bosom buddy, romance, partner, or some new spiritual awareness if I can overcome my fears and step into the new me. This immediately made my throat tight. As an autistic woman with oodles of CPTSD, the idea of letting someone new in always comes with a knee-jerk response of, “oh no.” I was sort of kind of hoping for the new spiritual awareness option, but then I pulled,

The Garden Snake: Did you know that the majority of snakes are non-venomous? It’s true, especially in the case of this cute lil garden snake, who came to remind me that, “sometimes things that seem scary are actually allies. Things aren’t always what they first appear to be.” The fact that I pulled this card along with the scary relationship card could be an indication that either a) my guides knew how I’d react to the prospect of letting someone new in, and/or b) it’s an indication that I maybe won’t initially see this new someone for who they are right away; encouraging me to keep an open mind. I have to say, though, that it’s quite interesting that this deck depicts the two of cups as two women…hmmm.

3. Dare to Look Down! What’s my greatest Fear in Facing This Unknown?

The Black Shuck (aka Death): Despite my general feeling that I’m pretty good at this whole transformation thing, Death being my primary life card in tarot and all, but it seems that in this case I’m fearing death. I’m most afraid of more change and more loss, because that’s often what’s required for rebirth. To be fair, I have been through a lot of it lately, and I’m still grieving the recent loss of my closest friend.

Eight of Visions (Cups) Reversed: I continue to plague myself with the constant pressure that I have to choose. That it’s too much for me to share my healing journey and shadow workin’ lil self here in my weekly Witchy Therapy issues, run my small witchy biz, create and share my music, and all the other art I’ve been enjoying creating. My cards and intuition have reassured me several times that I don’t need to choose! I can just honor what I feel called to invest in and work on in the moment, making steady and sustainable progress on each thing. So why do I continue to haunt myself with fears of having to choose?! This card is acknowledging that this is a worst fear, that one of the things I have to lose and let go of to grow is one of my passions and I don’t wanna! I really don’t think I’m going to have to, though. In fact, I’m beginning to think that this false belief itself, the one that I have to choose and can’t do all the things, is what I could actually afford to let die!! Let’s let go of these silly fears and more ways to limit our lil self instead, Erin!

4. Hit Me With It! What’s the Actual Worst that Could Happen?

The Enchanter’s Wheel (Wheel of Fortune) Reversed: The guidebook said, “Very few boons (coins) come without their attending challenges and vice versa.” Whatever the worst may be, there will also be complimentary gain, is what this card reminds me. That yes, the overcoming the fear, the outgrowing the safe spaces you’ve created is hard, but honest creative expression and shit like unbridled joy is totally worth it.

The Mirror: It will also be a time to really see myself, which to some people is terrifying, but I now see mirrors, whether literal or those I find in others and in the world, as opportunities to better see, understand, and love myself; this blossoming new version of me, and all the old bits, too. The better I see myself and all of my amazing growth and gifts I so freely offer my loved ones and the world, the more my unconditional love and acceptance of myself grows. I’m grateful for it.

Time to sit my lil booty down and work to intentionally see myself, this version of myself, a lot better. And I also need to keep working on developing my BIG dreams. I need to be able to see them in high def detail. I think this was a pretty great reading. It helped me a lot. If you give it (or any of my spreads) a chance, I’d love to hear how it goes!

Crystal of the Week

Labradorite is for sure one of my favorite crystals. I know I say that a lot, but for real, for real this time. It’s visually stimulating, with an incredibly unique luster called labradorescence, which is mesmerizing and has always reminded me of the Aurora Borealis. It really will appear to look different just about every time you glance at it.

Labradorite isn’t just a pretty face, though. It has some of the most desirable healing properties you can imagine, and I’ve found it to be a trusted and loyal companion on my healing journey. I wear a Labradorite ring every day, and it’s been the stone I reach to for support in transformation time and time again.

Labradorite is a Feldspar mineral found predominantly in Canada, Finland, and Russia. Labradorite stones that display predominantly blue iridescence are sometimes referred to as Spectrolite.

Healing Properties of Labradorite:

♥︎ stone of courage & transformation
♥︎ balances the throat, third eye, & crown chakras
♥︎ protects your aura
♥︎ strengthens your intuition
♥︎ helps to connect with spirit guides
♥︎ reveals truth behind illusions; great for shadow work
♥︎ calms an overactive mind; great for those with adhd
♥︎ balances hormones & relieves menstrual tension
♥︎ counteracts escapism
♥︎ enhances imagination
♥︎ helps connect to spiritual purpose
♥︎ improves ability to set healthy boundaries
♥︎ supports meditation, manifestation, and spiritual development1