The truth is that when I get so far gone it’s…really far. I forget what it is to be human. Everything…everything. All I know is that I am not worth the time it takes to save me. I am not worth the air I breathe. I am not worth my own existence. I am a waste of a brain. And I’m scared of hurting other people. I’m scared that I’ll ruin someone else by being ruined near them, like it’s contagious. And I fall to the belief that I need to suffer, that in a way I need to repay for my worthlessness by, well not by making myself worth less, so I don’t damage myself irreparably, but I use it to torture myself. In this it becomes both a control and a lack of control. I get so scared of my own existence, so upset. I convince myself that I’m never going to be normal again, that I’m never going to have anything even approaching what I had before. And then I just lose control. I start hitting things. I start hurting myself. I’ll run full tilt to nowhere at all. I’ll hide from that people that want to help because I think they’re scared of me rather than for me. I’ll run away from everything and everyone because there’s nothing left that feels important enough to hold me back. More often than not what I want to do is walk until I don’t want to walk anymore, until I fall off my feet into the grass, and then I want to die. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. I want…I want to world to stop expecting things fro me that I can’t produce because I can’t keep a handle on myself. I want my control back, but I don’t know where I lost it or where I can find a replacement, and mostly I don’t think I can be fixed, so I’ve stopped asking for it. I’ve stopped wanting what I think I can’t have because I’m dead tired of having my hopes dashed. I’m tired of trying to make myself better and then falling flat on my nose again. Everything I’ve done so far has failed. Every personal sacrifice, every chance of morals, every alteration of who I am and what I do has been to no avail, so I give up. I just give up. I don’t have any ideas left and I’m not going to live like this. I can’t. I can’t go through life like some kind of broken, depressive, destructive, abusive monster.

I’m so scared.

Please don’t let me go.

Oh, god...