Rambling
I'm going home tommorrow. But that's not the point. Tomorrow I'm returning to my support web and trying to repair the current damages enough to keep me running. Mostly I'm hoping for peace, quiet, and sunshine, but I could also go in for hugs and companionship.
I spent today on my brother's couch. I did a lot of sleeping, some reading, watching TV, and eating when I didn't need to. I was so completely off that I didn't even notice I was off. Then we went out to dinner and just moving around, being outside, and talking to people turned me back on. I returned to my previous state of mildly unstable, but managed to mask it fairly well by just bouncing a bit. I ate raindrop noodles. They're like clear spaghetti, probably made of rice. Then we came back to the apartment and it didn't take long for Neil and Alex to go to bed. They have to get up early for work. But I'm still going, still functioning, and still upset. Its a decided fact that I'm not allowed to be upset here, so I'm not really showing it when other people can see it. Rodick practically doesn't count; I doubt he's notice, and if he did I doubt he'd tell anyone. He's wonderfully harmless.
I've realized that I hate it when Alex becomes whiney and asks Neil to do things for her. I used to be perfectly okay with it, but now it's irritating because I'm being exposed to the full extent of it. Also, when she's upset she doesn't realize she's being bitchy, or angry, or demanding, and therefore doesn't apologize for it. It's very off-putting in a way I have difficulty explaining. I mean, do I do that? Most of the time I don't think I do... when I snap or bitch at people I try to apologize for it, though I don't make many excuses beyond a bad mood or a bad day. I wall people out, too. Sometimes I just can't deal with the day to day interactions that are demanded of me, so I just disengage from them and refrain from involving myself. Gentle rebuffs of attempts to gain my ongoing attention seem nicer than ignoring or bitching, but if it comes to it I wouldn't feel bad about that because whoever it was couldn't take a hint... Oh well.
I'm so proud of myself for starting my homework, even though I barely engaged my brain for it.
........................................
And when you left
You closed the door on your grin
And tip-toed down the walk
Knowing you'd return again
But somehow wanting to hide the fact you ever left,
The memory of your presence
Crawled inside my skin
And I reveled in the dream
Of you coming back again
So we could trade our honest holiday presents,
On the train ride home
You smoked the cigarette
That I hated so much
And your jaw was hanging loose
Because you were weary from a day away from home,
At the station you hailed a cab
Splurging in your holiday fever
Hurrying home to me
Because it felt like it had been forever
And the bus was always slower to get home,
You smoked another cigarette
Nervous like a school-young boy
You dreamed of things that had never been
And hoped I would enjoy the toy
You'd bought at the corner store just down from your office,
And I don't know why you worried
Because I'd love it for its intent
But you smoked you cigarettes
And that was that
When you came in the door
I smelled the ragged smoker scent
And closed my nose to it
When you kissed me hard
I tasted the dirty ash-tray film
And turned my mind from it
When you let me go
I held your cigarettes in my hand
And flushed them down the toilet
Again
And don't say I drove you to it
Because I was supporting you all along
I put up with your anger like you dealt with my PMS
Calmly, quietly, waiting for it to pass
But it didn't go because you were always quitting
But you'd come home with another pack
That you'd barely remember buying
Light yourself up another cigarette
But don't come back.
I spent today on my brother's couch. I did a lot of sleeping, some reading, watching TV, and eating when I didn't need to. I was so completely off that I didn't even notice I was off. Then we went out to dinner and just moving around, being outside, and talking to people turned me back on. I returned to my previous state of mildly unstable, but managed to mask it fairly well by just bouncing a bit. I ate raindrop noodles. They're like clear spaghetti, probably made of rice. Then we came back to the apartment and it didn't take long for Neil and Alex to go to bed. They have to get up early for work. But I'm still going, still functioning, and still upset. Its a decided fact that I'm not allowed to be upset here, so I'm not really showing it when other people can see it. Rodick practically doesn't count; I doubt he's notice, and if he did I doubt he'd tell anyone. He's wonderfully harmless.
I've realized that I hate it when Alex becomes whiney and asks Neil to do things for her. I used to be perfectly okay with it, but now it's irritating because I'm being exposed to the full extent of it. Also, when she's upset she doesn't realize she's being bitchy, or angry, or demanding, and therefore doesn't apologize for it. It's very off-putting in a way I have difficulty explaining. I mean, do I do that? Most of the time I don't think I do... when I snap or bitch at people I try to apologize for it, though I don't make many excuses beyond a bad mood or a bad day. I wall people out, too. Sometimes I just can't deal with the day to day interactions that are demanded of me, so I just disengage from them and refrain from involving myself. Gentle rebuffs of attempts to gain my ongoing attention seem nicer than ignoring or bitching, but if it comes to it I wouldn't feel bad about that because whoever it was couldn't take a hint... Oh well.
I'm so proud of myself for starting my homework, even though I barely engaged my brain for it.
........................................
And when you left
You closed the door on your grin
And tip-toed down the walk
Knowing you'd return again
But somehow wanting to hide the fact you ever left,
The memory of your presence
Crawled inside my skin
And I reveled in the dream
Of you coming back again
So we could trade our honest holiday presents,
On the train ride home
You smoked the cigarette
That I hated so much
And your jaw was hanging loose
Because you were weary from a day away from home,
At the station you hailed a cab
Splurging in your holiday fever
Hurrying home to me
Because it felt like it had been forever
And the bus was always slower to get home,
You smoked another cigarette
Nervous like a school-young boy
You dreamed of things that had never been
And hoped I would enjoy the toy
You'd bought at the corner store just down from your office,
And I don't know why you worried
Because I'd love it for its intent
But you smoked you cigarettes
And that was that
When you came in the door
I smelled the ragged smoker scent
And closed my nose to it
When you kissed me hard
I tasted the dirty ash-tray film
And turned my mind from it
When you let me go
I held your cigarettes in my hand
And flushed them down the toilet
Again
And don't say I drove you to it
Because I was supporting you all along
I put up with your anger like you dealt with my PMS
Calmly, quietly, waiting for it to pass
But it didn't go because you were always quitting
But you'd come home with another pack
That you'd barely remember buying
Light yourself up another cigarette
But don't come back.