I've never been greater, but at the same time I've never been less. It's a confusing dichotomy.

Today I promised myself two things. Today, I said, for yourself and yourself only you will do something. I said, well, what can I do that will provide satisfaction only for myself, not through the reward of making other people happy, but something to make me happy all by myself. I said "Helen, today, you can go biking," and that somehow wasn't enough so I said "Helen, today you can write something of importance to yourself whether or not other people would understand that importance." So far I've failed to bike, it was raining, wha can I say? And I haven't written anything important. Beyond that, I haven't finished my homework and I don't see myself really doing anything of the sort.

I want to go to ground in my safety zone again.
I want to stop owning other people's problems and tearing myself up inside.

Today I was informed that I would probably feel better if I did something about the problems, if I made it clear that I don't like what's going on and asked nicely for some positive change in the situation. Even if I didn't get what I asked for I would probably feel better about it anyway. The entire concept is somehow hypnotizing, and for reasons beyond me I want to try against my instincts for self-preservation. Besides, I can jsut make it between my and my father and do my best to completely wall my mother out of the situation. More often than not it's been her that's reacted in angry/pain to my reactions to the slowly shifting situation that is once again centered on its original axis.

Okay, whatever. It's entirely possible that it will happen, but not today.

Time once again to go cry myself to sleep.
Hope I don't dream; they've been horrible lately.