Brother's Birthday

It's Neil's birthday today and I still haven't gotten him a gift. I haven't left the house, either, but that's because I've been screwing around all morning. I just took a shower, after texting my brother a happy birthday message, and I don't feel clean.

[insert segue here]

Why do people forgive me for all of this?
And what is wrong with me that I don't want them to?
Do I need someone to fucking cuss me out in order to validate my own existence?
Do I need to fail to feel alive?
And why, more than the rest, why does people saying "it's okay" make me cry?