Was It Something That I Said?
And there are days when what people say is all that matters. What they do, how they move, all that doesn't even begin to reach you. What they say and their tone of voice is all that matters. Today was one of those days and I'm in so much pain I don't know what to do with all of it.
Had it been a phone conversation, I would have hung up. I never hang up on people. In fact, I've only ever hung up on my mother and that was in senior year of high school because she was lashing out and I was hurting and I couldn't do anything but cry anymore. I just hung up, taking away her victim. To be fair, I was hurting her too, but I've had a lot less practice.
.........
"Do you always have to say things so rude?"
*pause* Am I being rude?
"Yeah, we know you don't mean it, but it's rude, and I'm not the only one who thinks that."
"Yeah, every time you say things it's like I die a little inside."
.........
How do you keep a promise to not quit when you're looking at that, when you're hearing that, when you're doing nothing but repeating that over and over again in your head?
And I can't eat my lunch, and I can't stop crying, and I can't think about anything else. I can't leave the bathroom lounge of the second floor, lab two, because there isn't a single soul out there who wouldn't react to my face and try to help, and there isn't a single soul out there that I can talk to.
Had it been a phone conversation, I would have hung up. I never hang up on people. In fact, I've only ever hung up on my mother and that was in senior year of high school because she was lashing out and I was hurting and I couldn't do anything but cry anymore. I just hung up, taking away her victim. To be fair, I was hurting her too, but I've had a lot less practice.
"Do you always have to say things so rude?"
*pause* Am I being rude?
"Yeah, we know you don't mean it, but it's rude, and I'm not the only one who thinks that."
"Yeah, every time you say things it's like I die a little inside."
.........
How do you keep a promise to not quit when you're looking at that, when you're hearing that, when you're doing nothing but repeating that over and over again in your head?
And I can't eat my lunch, and I can't stop crying, and I can't think about anything else. I can't leave the bathroom lounge of the second floor, lab two, because there isn't a single soul out there who wouldn't react to my face and try to help, and there isn't a single soul out there that I can talk to.