To Blandly Go...

Writer's Block: Do-over!

willard41 — Tue, 25 May 2010 20:22:06 GMT

I would probably have to give it away. I wouldn't want to use it because of my kids. That's pretty much the only reason I can think of at this point. If I didn't have the kids, I'd use it myself and I'd definitely keep my memories. I know it would be frustrating at times to be a kid again, but I think from teens on up life would be a whole lot more fun. Plus I'd be a gojillionaire what with all the bets I'd win and the investments I'd make (Hi Bill Gates, you don't know me but I'm your knew best friend and benefactor).

Jesus Christ

willard41 — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 21:44:02 GMT

In an effort to get back to writing more often, I'm going to start with people and may stray to topics, but I just want to get back in the habit of writing on a daily basis. So, here goes:

Jesus Christ

"Have you hear the word of our Lord Jesus?"...LOL. Just kidding. I haven't "found" him unfortunately, so he remains lost. I just thought I'd start with a biggie as I some definitive ideas about the man.

First of, he was a man. No doubt in my mind that Jesus was a real person who existed in Jerusalem. No doubt about his father Joseph and mother Mary either. Although I will say I have doubts about the obvious; his appearance. Jesus was not white. That's to say he certainly wasn't a redheaded, pasty-skinned fella in the middle of the Middle-East. I firmly believe that, though I don't think he was African, he was definitely a semite.

Secondly, I don't think he was the "son of God". Add to this the whole virgin birth thing. I think he was the son of Joseph and Mary, and he had brothers and sisters and lead a pretty un-extraordinary life up until his prophet days. This is simply another means by religious organizations to deify an ordinary guy to make themselves beyond reproach. "Hey Pope! You and your minions just crusaded across Europe and the Middle-East with impunity, killing millions...wtf?!" "Uh, Jesus told us to do it and he IS the son of God...sorry."

Third, I don't believe in the miracles. Miracles are a lot of mumbo-jumbo designed to do exactly what I believe Jesus was dead set against...deification. This is the crucial point of my whole theory and feelings about the man. He believed that we could raise the bar on humanity and was willing, albeit not in a crazy, zealot, suicide bomber sort of way, to die for it. I think he criticized the church for it's ignorance, willful abuse, and perversion of the ideas of Judaism and was executed at the whim of the Pharisees because of it.

The miracle is simply that someone in any day or age is willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of the world. Frankly, we're not really worth it, and the way we've perverted Jesus' name and whored it out in the name of politics and religious organizations is proof positive (or is that negative). Adding the elements of the supernatural is just polluting the message and using it for other ends, which is quite obvious given the crimes carried out in his name over the centuries (don't think I'm letting Islam off the hook, but I'm speaking from the end of the faith pool where I dipped my toes).

Overall though, I think it would have been a drag to know Jesus. So few people are really able to adhere to the outlandish principles of any religion, and most people bend the rules a little if not a lot. Or they incorporate some sort of atonement or free pass period to be bad in order to let off some steam (Carnivale, Marti Gras, etc.). I can't imagine walking around in the desert listening to this guy for long without just going, "ok, buddy, I'm only human...I need a drink and to get laid". Add to it, if you've ever hung out with anyone who was loony on some religious kick, they get old very quickly. That's why cults never last and you just end up all hopped up on kool-aid or marrying 20 women.

I think Jesus was a good guy who's sacrifice really did save the world by forcing us to treat each other better...just enough to keep us from wiping each other out. And Christianity unified enough people into a common belief system to allow us the advances in technology, agriculture and politics to really examine our beliefs. I believe that, while he may not have every intended this, Christ allowed us to develop to the point where we could continue to evolve spiritually. Hopefully, there will be someone that comes along and allows us to take that next step and evolve to the point where we no longer need gods and monsters to treat each well.

Writer's Block: Do (political) opposites attract?

willard41 — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:07:45 GMT

I can't say I have a view that is "so fundamental to" my core, but rather any view that does not respect or tolerate others' views. I guess my political views are choice across the board. If you don't want an abortion, don't get one, but respect my rights and views with regard to choice. I realize I do not have the answers to these questions, only my opinions, values, views, morality and spirituality to depend on in making those decisions. I respect your right to disagree, but only to the point where you stop respecting mine. Therefore, the only core belief that I could not respect is intolerance.

Writer's Block: All work and no play ...

willard41 — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 02:22:17 GMT

I am the exact opposite. Don't get me wrong, I love to get out and about on a spring day when the weather is just right, sun is shining, and I've been inside too long. But I prefer cold and damp. I hear people bitch that Seattle has rain 9 months of the year and I envy that. I don't mind the snow either, now that I have a vehicle that enables me to avoid shoveling (if the Jeep can't get out, it's not getting done with any amount of shoveling). I love foul weather and whether I have to stay in and enjoy it or get out in it, I get giddy as a schoolgirl when it snows, rains, sleets or whatever. LET IT POUR!

Writer's Block: Go it alone

willard41 — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 05:24:34 GMT

I definitely think there is a lot of pressure to get married, not just be in a relationship. There's this undocumented, Western life map...birth, childhood, school, adolesence, college, work, relationship, marriage, parenthood, divorce, retirement, death. Or something along those lines. People feel they have to hit certain milestones to be "normal". The folks who walk to their own beat are often looked at as eccentric, to say the least, or fucked up at worst.

Having done all up to retirement and death, I felt this urge to get back into a relationship at all cost, because that part of my life had failed or was missing. I have my kids, but I have not "partner". The more I try to find "someone", and the more I'm nostalgic to be married or in a relationship, I realize there's this other part of me now that says "hey, wait a minute. I like being in charge". I don't miss having to consult with someone else about virtually everything...ok, literally everything. I think I will only be able to be in a relationship again if it's much much more equitable than the last. Add kids, work, and any of my own personal aspirations to that mix, and I'm asking a lot of someone else.

I have no frame of reference for anyone who doesn't have kids. I have mine 24/7 and we haven't heard from their mom in over 2 years, and I get only breaks now and again, which I mostly use to recharge...LOL. I could understand not having kids and being content in your own skin, but I love having mine so losing them would be even more devastating than losing my wife. I don't remember what it was like not having them in my life and what I was like before I had them, but I know it certainly wasn't better. I think they made me a better man and person for having them in my life.

Do I feel worse around the holidays, yes. But that is because my ex walked out on me after 13 years, 10 married, on Thanksgiving and I really struggled through that first Christmas. She, of course, made it worse because she walked out on me and directly into the bed of another. Complete with a Christmas tree photo on their little website. So I don't know if it's the holidays or my own personal experience. Thankfully, now, I realize what a shitbag she truly is and was to me and the kids...hell, to everyone she came in contact with. The holidays are great with my family and the kids. So I'm guessing it was her and not the seasons.

Writer's Block: Destination anywhere

willard41 — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 22:20:47 GMT

I'm sure most folks who live outside the US would flock to NYC or Washington, LA, Seattle, Dallas, Nawlins, etc., but fuck that. I like my little state. Rehoboth Beach has a great beach, great summer locale with plenty of night life. Lewes has a beautiful state park beach and is one of the oldest towns in the US. Dewey Beach is great for the younger crowd. Add to that, it's a great, central location to see NYC, Philly, Baltimore, and DC.

Fading

willard41 — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 05:09:38 GMT

I am fading,
slowly shading,
in my days with tones of gray.

I am wading,
hefty laden,
under songs of somber gray.

I am drifting,
slowly shifting,
from the middle to the end.

I am grifting,
and uplifting,
squeezing sparks from colder air.

Writer's Block: Green-eyed monster

willard41 — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:52:01 GMT

I always thought that was a bullshit question. Nothing wrong with a little infatuation with regard to celebrities, I'm not above being a little starstruck, but love and respect are far more important to me. If my partner found it that important to get amnesty to sleep with celebrities, then they would have to find a new partner. It's not about jealousy, it's about respect. If I'm good enough for every day use, I'm good enough for you to pass on that "once in a blue moon" fantasy fuck. If I'm not good enough for you, fuck you.

Writer's Block: Cyberstalking

willard41 — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 13:36:29 GMT

I did at one point, because my marriage ended so abruptly, I was looking for some kind of closure and certainly didn't get it from my ex. I found it to be so painful to see her move on to a new relationship within days of walking out on 13 years together, 10 married, and leaving me with three kids (granted, that worked out for the best for everyone and I'm proud of how I rose to that challenge in hindsight, but it was terrifying at the time).

It took me a long time to realize that obviously, anyone who could do that was a piece of garbage, and it wasn't worth rubbing my own face in it any more. I did get some updates on where she was when I tried to sue for child support, which she dodged as she did most responsibilities, but I have not actively looked for on the net. I'm to the point now where the hurt of what she did to me and the kids has worn down to a dull ache, which I don't feel most days. She seems so small and useless now. I really don't have the time nor inclination to bother with her any more.

Writer's Block: The one that got away

willard41 — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 13:24:50 GMT

Yes...
Yes...
and yes...

Writer's Block: Airplane reading

willard41 — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 03:28:39 GMT

Nope. I usually bring whatever I'm currently reading and maybe a backup if I'm a good bit into it. Plus an ipod to drown out the humanity...or at least give it a cool soundtrack of my choosing.

I took my kids out to my sister's in Chicago for TG 07...three kids (10,7,6 at the time) on a short flight after a long wait. I tried to think of every logistical contingency possible. What if the Germans attack? Cyclone? Wicked witches? Werewolves? Vampires? Werewolf-Vampires? Anything that could crop up to turn a short trip to Chicago into a long trip to Hell. Turns out my kids are pretty darned awesome when they're in public.

They must get that there's an invisible line I do not want to cross in public, and never get too close to crossing it and rain down the god of hellfire on their mortal souls...or just get the Xbox taken away for eternity...one of the two.

They were awesome going out and coming back. And all they really got into were these little, invisible pen activity books...$3 each. They even met a little girl who had this tiny DVD thing that played Spongebob cartoons and offered to share, but they got bored and either watched the planes, people and whatnot or played with their books.

I even got a little "mispy" over the whole thing whilst reading my book, putting up a stoic front, and catching little glimpses of them while they're occupied...that, and when they're sleeping of course, is when they are at their most angelic. I don't know if that is some sort of evolutionary defense mechanism ingrained in kids, puppies or kittens, but damnit, it works on me.

I look forward to our next trip...hopefully longer and to Ireland to visit the kinfolk over there...a real, celtic adventure.

Writer's Block: Confessions of a couch potato

willard41 — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 19:09:54 GMT

When I got called back into the Navy for Desert Storm, we were kind of stranded in Spain until it was decided what to do with us. During that time we rented a VCR and watched tons of movies, vice going out and partying all the time. I must have watched 60 movies in a very short amount of time and enjoyed the hell out of it. Got to see a lot of movies that I wanted to see but never had the time.

Writer's Block: Most inspiring teacher

willard41 — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 23:48:39 GMT

I've been lucky enough to have some great teachers and some shitty ones. I had a horrible English teacher in high school who, in my estimation, hated men and high school boys in particular. I had a math professor in college who freaked out if anyone made even the slightest sound during a lecture, as if we were all plotting againsty him. I even had a first grade teacher who accused me of stealing in front of the entire class, found out she was wrong and refused to apologize. And after all that, I still remember the most inspiring teachers/professors.

My English professor and mentor from my first year of college after I got out of the military. The Doc was about the coolest teacher/professor/educator I've ever met. He really inspired me to want to write at any level and made me realize I had a gift with language no matter how I ended up using it. Mea culpa indeed, Doc.

My third and fourth grade teachers for very different reasons. I love my mother, but she can be a pill and was when I was growing up. Both of these women were the most postive, adult, female, role models I can think of. My third grade teacher was, and I only think this now as an adult, a lesbian and she was about the coolest woman alive. She was in her 40's and was just excited to be teaching. She was one of those rare women, and I apologize if that offends, that could exude authority, fairness and maternity without trying to emulate a man. I know that sounds unfair, but I think some women try to copy their fathers when they try to be authoritative...IMHO. She did not and didn't ever need to. I trusted and respected her without question and I think that is why I was one of her favorites in class. That and I pulled "sphygmomanometer" out of my ass when we played spelling baseball and I opted for the home run (that's a word out of the dictionary). Despite herself, she was as surprised as I was.

My fourth grade teacher was an older and sweeter lady, quite the opposite and obviously maternal. You could tell she had five kids and the patience of Job. I had my appendix out when I was 10 and missed a good deal of school (it ruptured and I was in hospital for 17 days). I could tell how happy she was to see me back. She always made me feel welcome.

My Art teacher in high school, who was also the wrestling coach. He was a Vietnam Vet, but you would never know that. He was probably one of the most laid back guys I had ever met and I admired him very much. Another person who could command the room without you even realizing it. I feel bad that I used his class as an excuse to go out and smoke weed and take pictures on nice days, but somehow I think he would get a kick outta that.

Finally, my Philosophy mentor and professor. This guy seemed to be about the most uptight and highstrung person on the planet when you first had him in class, but quiet and kind as a church mouse outside of class. His rigid sense of logic and command of the "argument" challenged me like no other class I've ever taken. The B's and C's I got in his Critical Thinking and Logic classes are still personal highlights in my academic career. He was the person who taught me to not only question my accepted beliefs, but to pare them down to the bear minimum. I also respected the speed with which his mind operated. I don't think many people could keep up with him.

Writer's Block: Do you prefer a tent or a luxury hotel?

willard41 — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 23:17:02 GMT

Camping. If you do it right, there are a lot less people.

Writer's Block: Would you sell out for reality TV stardom?

willard41 — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 18:18:42 GMT

Survivor looks fun, and if I could swing leaving work for that amount of time and having someone to watch the kids, I'd do it for the chance at a million. But I'd like to win it, not get paid just to be on it. I think that may be a generational thing, as I don't want fame all that much, and moreso for nothing. The people that are pseudo-famous really stick in my craw, and the reality show folks take the cake.

Writer's Block: Home Remedies

willard41 — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 02:29:00 GMT

Bourbon. Hands down, bourbon has never left me hanging when I have a cold. Scoff if you will, but I would much rather curl up on the couch with a good movie and a bourbon than any other cureall.

Writer's Block: Top of the Charts

willard41 — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 17:07:03 GMT

This one right chere:

...and I'm not ashamed. Today I proclaim Septemeber 5th National Cheese Day! Let the Cheese flow.

Writer's Block: Worrisome

willard41 — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 16:16:34 GMT

There's those general worries that are just out there without any time limits...will my kids stay healthy...will they succeed in school...work. A slew of other, long-term worries that aren't immediately addressable.

But usually my hi-pri worries revolve around money. Will I have to make decisions on what bill I can or cannot pay. What will we have to go without and what is the impact for making that decision?

Don't get me wrong, I usually don't stress too much about it, as long as I can either solve the problem, reasonably predict when I can take care of it, or come to the determination that I can't do anything about it now...let's move on, shall we? However, there have been occasions when I'm lying in bed not being able to get to sleep because my brain is still chewing on that issue that is unresolved, even though I know that at 2am, nothing will be done to resolve it. Times like these, I miss smoking.

Paternity Humor

willard41 — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 18:34:13 GMT

I'm not one for racist humor, and, though I love gallows humor, I find it difficult to translate that to anyone who hasn't shared similar instances where that sort of humor is accepted. Case in point, the following story that just popped up in the old memory banks.

As a 911 Operator at the end of the century (hey, that sounds like a the premise for a sci-fi show), my co-workers and I were inundated with dire calls and not so dire calls on a daily basis...just sayin. Gallows, off-color and low brow humor were survival mechanisms for dealing with ungodly stress. I'm not making excuses...I'm giving reasons. Domestic Violence or even simple Domestic Disturbances were very commonplace in the region where I dispatched and answered 911 calls.

On one particular occasion we received a 911 call from a white woman (I don't care what you say, but there are certain auditory cues that are fairly reliable when determining a person's race...add to that that we have the capability of looking up their criminal and driving records, which usually contain photos...in this case it was obvious...they were both crackers) claiming her husband was yelling, screaming and generally terrifying her. We try not to assume too much because the officer that arrives on scene needs to have as much objective and unbiased info as they can get to assess the situation and determine who is the victim and who is the perpetrator, if not mutual. Seconds after my co-worker received the call and we had dispatched a unit to the address, with backup on the way, we received another call from the husband's cell just outside. This is an initial relief, as this dictates that at the very least, they are already separated and subsequently, there are no reported injuries or weapons. Bad news is, there was a newborn baby in the house.

As 911 Operators, we are required by law to remain on the line until we hear the officer arrive at the scene to insure we capture as much of the incident as possible. That means staying on the line even if the phone is dropped, and recalling if it hangs up. Once you get the particulars, there is often some awkward silence as there are no more questions left to ask, and once that downtime starts is usually when the disturbance heats up again until the officer arrives. It may be seconds or minutes, but it's high stress dead air and the best of us try to keep the person talking in the hopes that the idea that the police are on the phone, and on the way, will keep tempers in check. This rarely works, and this case was no exception.

The husband walked up to the trailer (yep, I'll say it...that's where a lot of these calls occurred in that area...they're just like great, big boxes of joy) to get his cigarettes out of the house. The wife began to scream for him to "stay the fuck away". He just yelled back that he was getting his smokes and to shut the fuck up...blah, blah, blah. That ignited the whole argument again and try as we might, we couldn't get him out or her to stop instigating and pushing the argument...both were determined to get the last word in.

After some barely intelligible words passed back and forth, we got the gist that they had just brought the baby home, the wife had been unfaithful, and the question to the baby's paternity was the source of the fray.

A side note, the microphones on these 911 consoles are, thankfully, armed with a foot transmit pedal. When you want to speak, you have to depress the pedal to activate the microphone. Let go, and it's a dead mike...thank god.

The next comment the wife made was accompanied by a snide scoff, but otherwise unclear. The husbands response will stay with me for the rest of my life and I'm eternally grateful that my and my co-workers mikes were not on:

"Go ahead and laugh now, bitch. It's all fun and games until the baby comes out black."

I believe the both of us were useless for 30 seconds as we ended up on the floor with tears in our eyes. It took about five minutes until we could repeat the comment, and the rest of the team were on the floor.

From that moment on, and for months to come, that was our response to damn near any snide comment made in the offices...by all dispatchers, cops, firemen and EMTs regardless of gender or race.

I give credit to the husband that he did not succumb to the stereotype of the drunken, redneck, trailer park denizen, and never touched his wife. I don't know what happened to them, but I've always hoped that they stayed together and he got a shirt for the baby with that line on it and won every argument thereafter with those very words.

Writer's Block: As the Cookie Crumbles

willard41 — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 16:37:19 GMT

You will suffer death by MSG.

Writer's Block: Under Protest

willard41 — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 15:01:01 GMT

Sometimes I wish I could boycott work...LOL. But seriously, not working itself, but the workplace. I'm digging deep to find reasons why working from home is bad, and I'm not having any luck. I really like being able to get, not only just as much, if not more work work done, and also some chores at home done. I'm a single dad, as I've mentioned ad nauseum, and being able to even get the dishes and some laundry done while the kids are at school is a blessing.

The only downsides I can think of are the guilt I feel for being home, and the lack of physical presence around the upper ups. There's also that element of sour grapes from other employees. Usually ones outside my department though. I hate that "why do you get to work from home" vibe you get. The simple answer is that I simply filled out a request and it was granted because it cost the company $0 for me to work from home and it has no impact. I rarely go to face to face meetings anymore, as everyone prefers tele-conference. Everything else is worked via email and same time.

Add to it the element of elementary school mentality that I've previously posted on. I hate these arbitrary rules of conduct and that fear that someone might see me enjoying the company of a co-worker for 5 seconds and assume I'm not busy...ever...and should be fired or something. Harder to defend that social interaction, though I believe it's very necessary and helpful, than defending porn or drug use. No one wants to stand up to defend it, so you have these [expletive delted]s who latch onto it to wield their imaginary authority over others.

But I'm venting again.

I boycott baseball. I could say basketball, but I've never been interested. I don't watch hockey either, because I've never played and don't get it. Soccer is not big on my list, but because it's boring not because of anything against it. Nope, baseball I boycott because I hate the fact that these assholes strike, though they make more money than god. I know, I know, the owners and the franchises make way more and they get only a fraction, but damn! You're playing a game you love for a living...fuck you. And it's the most boring sport on TV. I don't count golf...not a sport if you ask me.

Writer's Block: Doh!

willard41 — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 16:53:22 GMT

My pat answer is get married, but I did get three great kids out of it, but that's too easy. There are a host of bad decisions ranging from losing a few dollars or getting ripped off, to damn near getting killed, but that would take too long.

I guess the dumbest thing I've ever done to quit school and get a job to support my girlfriend (who later became my wife...then ex). I wonder from time to time how different my life would have been if I'd kept walking that one night in 1995 instead of coming back and following the course I did.

For that brief, and I'll admit slightly sad and scary, moment, I had one of those rare epiphonies of freedom I've had throughout my life. Leaving town the day after graduating from High School. Going out the gates of RTC-NTC San Diego after completing boot camp. Leaving the states to go to Greece. Leaving Greece. Leaving the Navy. Bittersweet moments full of hope and horror.

Venting

willard41 — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 20:23:04 GMT

There's always one isn't there. Always one person who, for lack of any real authority or rank, likes to either pretend they have it, or use their position to influence those that do hold authority or rank. You may work directly with that person, or near that person, or just in the same organization, but you know who they are. They either want to be part of every group and can't stand that there may be socializing going on without them, or they resent that they will probably never be part of that due to some character flaw, self-esteem issue, or they're just an asshole.

It's these lone chancre sores who will do their damnedest to extinguish any glimmer of fun or levity in the workplace. They mope around in their pathetic personal lives just waiting to go to work, their only social interaction, so they can either falsely feel part of the crowd, to lord their pseudo-authority over others or to piss on the parade.

I feel held hostage by these types of people, or at least forced to make unnecessary decisions on decorum as to whether it's worth pointing out their uselessness, or responding in some way. Why? Why should I care. It's work, right? No one said it's supposed to be fun, right? And, of course, we all assume that if you aren't "nose to the grindstone" at every moment, you're not doing your job or you're not busy, because let's just assume the worst of people.

I left grade school years ago, and yet this always reminds me what it was like. Of course there's a need to maintain order, but we're adults for crissakes, and this has nothing to do with order. This is about that one chancre sore trying to cry out and get noticed. To gain control of the environment. Their complaints are nothing but thinly veiled failures at human contact. I would pity these people, but I pity the rest of us more as there is no good way to point this out for what it is. Instead the powers that be, in response to the complaints of these anal warts, are forced to follow the rules already established. These germs, they know the system you know. Know how to navigate within its parameters to slowly erode anything remotely resembling a pleasant workplace. They are the Dwight Shrutes sans the funny.

Ahhh, if only life were like those movies where the downtrodden rise up in practical joke revolt and foil the bad guys, humiliating them into shame and dismissal, or proving that at heart, if these ingrown pubes would lighten up, we can all work together and compromise on the atmosphere. Or at the very least, grow a backbone and make your issue known to the faces of those that offend your workplace sensibilities, vice anonymously complaining to the higher ups who, in my opinion, should throw you out of their offices upon hearing such trivialities.

Maybe I'll get lucky someday and find a job where those petty, bullshit, nagging little fuckers would never survive. Something where the work is needed so badly and so few would or could do it, that no amount of chit chat or levity would ever get you fired or even reprimanded.

Until then I must seek the way of the subterfuge. Or harken back to Mr. Roberts and throw their fucking palm trees over the side.

Feel free to send you thoughts and or ideas on how to punk this person.

Thanks for listening. I'll return to my search for the best way to asuage chancres.

Writer's Block: Clock Punching

willard41 — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 14:04:35 GMT

I worked for some family friends baling hay at their horse farm, but my first real, paycheck job was Apple Frankie's Funnel Cakes. I would haul around to fairs and whatnot all over PA and DE making funnel cakes for 10-12 hours a day. Got me my $110 for my first car, plus the insurance...woot!

Writer's Block: Mix and Mingle

willard41 — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 13:53:18 GMT

I'm usually pretty good in just a social setting, but if I have to speak in public, I get a bad case of flop sweat sometimes. Usually not visible to anyone, but it's there and I feel it. I often wonder if my face gets flushed, but no one has ever mentioned it. I hate it when I get asked a question that I can't answer or a convoluted question that I actually have to think about and there's a dead silence, which makes me really sweat. Funny, as my job now and past jobs have all required me to speak in front of large groups. I still am not fond of it unless I know it's just a presentation.