s i l e n t l y

how timely

wheresuranus — Wed, 11 Sep 2013 13:20:08 GMT

I can’t help but think about you on Wednesday mornings, while I’m on the train. Looking out of the window passing by new cities, crossing state lines like a fugitive on the run, flirting with the idea of just going back. You used to speak softly to me on the phone, late at night, until you didn’t want to talk anymore. And then, like the final burning moment of a fire cracker, your raspy voice would come to life to remind me, Distance is hard and I just don’t know if I.. and I’d cut you off, or pretend the call dropped, or scream really loudly like I was chanting “Happy New Year!”, just to distract you, to allow you to swallow the tail end of a comment I would never be ready to hear.

If only we could rearrange the states, I would often say.

The sound of your poppy seed color eyeballs rolling on the other end of the phone came through in your final sigh.

I’ll pass Maryland before I’ll spy Delaware, fly through Pennsylvania before smelling New Jersey, and then, alone, I’ll crawl back into New York. The states, you used to assure me, align themselves so simply.

So then why can’t we?

x

wheresuranus — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 20:00:47 GMT

Insanely procrastinating... I don't even know what I'm doing. I've ran out of things to clean or tidy up. My room/workspace is really the neatest I've ever seen it. It's so weird!

I want to write!!! Why aren't I writing?!?

Somehow i think the longer i wait to pen (or type, really) everything out, the less significance it will hold.

I still remember everything from that night. What a night. I was such a terrible person. I remember untangling and just sitting there watching you, watching us. I despised myself so much.

Now I have a feeling I will kind of romanticise in writing but I think I owe it to you to not cheapen it.

---

Also, in other news, this work/money thing is driving me up the wall. I feel so liberated yet restricted. I do enjoy what I do (when I actually get to do it) but it's not enough. As much as I hate to admit it, I need more. I deserve more.

I'm not worried though. I know this will all work out.

wheresuranus — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 16:30:00 GMT

I've always had a longstanding dream, ever since I was a kid, where I was running on a big lake of ice and I kept running and kept running, just about to where I was trying to get to, and I fell through the ice, and then I couldn't find the hole where I fell through to get back out again. It was always like this certain thing where I could only get so far before everything collapses. So I guess it's a bit of living in fear. But I don't try to put it that way, because I feel that is going to pull everything you fear toward you. It's about acknowledging the fear for about five percent, and then ninety-five percent goes into shrugging it all off.
Garrett Hedlund

wheresuranus — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 20:20:10 GMT

"Because I never want to meet him, because if I did, I would probably “Shit and die” in true Harrison Ford fashion. There are some people for whom you have so much admiration and fandom that if you were to meet them, your world would fall apart and you’d cry on the sidewalk until you left gravel imprints in your cheeks. I’m just happy knowing that somewhere, he exists. That’s enough for me.
x

A paycheck surfaced!!

wheresuranus — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 20:36:29 GMT

About damn time!!! Still waiting on a few more. Let's hope they won't exceed 6 months...

ma-ma-ma-maaad-maaad-maad

wheresuranus — Mon, 01 Oct 2012 17:07:32 GMT

plans for the rest of the night:

attend to this impending glorious dump
make some tea
quick shower
dry off, put on some knickers (yes, only that)
put on dexter (!!!!!!!!)
proceed to spazz out for about an hour
tidy up room
go through rushes
start on editttttttttt

yes, no job bookings and the return of US tv series go hand in hand.

also, out to the record store in the morning for the new muse cd, yay!!

wheresuranus — Sun, 23 Sep 2012 16:27:24 GMT

rediscovering attachment. yes, it's happening.

a petal in a book

wheresuranus — Wed, 04 Jul 2012 23:28:19 GMT

the cribs - pure o

EXT. PARK - NIGHT

she is on her red bicycle, in a simple white top and a red skirt, a cigarette delicately perched in her left hand, her left elbow tight on her side. it is 1am. nobody is around. just cars passing by on the roads. it hadn't rained and yet the leaves are wet. she thinks about him. how silly and stupid he is. he makes her laugh, but not in the way he thinks so. she smirks. she takes a long drag and stops pedalling, and guide her bicycle with her right hand on the handlebar, her hair and skirt gently moving along with the wind in her face as she cruises down the pavement. she takes a right turn. a clump of ash drops from her cigarette. she takes a drag and exhales.

a playlist

wheresuranus — Tue, 26 Jun 2012 16:35:35 GMT

i created a playlist a few nights back and completed it last night. i know nobody comes here anymore but just sharing/posting for my future self to laugh at my silly, present self. it's far from a "good playlist" or anything like that but it's a pretty good description of my thoughts right now.

1. 23 - jimmy eat world
i won't always love what Ill never have, i won't always live in my regrets

2. flakes - mystery jets
i pray, there will come a time when i think of you and i smile
these days, everything seems to last only a while

3. next to you - bell x1
cause we'd be stuck in this place for an age or two
i hope the wind changes and the vacuum in space will draw me to you

4. restless dream - jack's mannequin
it's funny how the words we never say, can turn into the only thoughts we know

5. there's a key - m. ward
armed with this key on my piano that i play for you
can you hear it? can you see the continental divide?
oceans wide till you jump inside this tidal wave with me

6. music when the lights go out - the libertines
the girl I thought I knew has gone, with her my heart it disappeared

7. things you call fate - sondre lerche
i have no bags to pack, no suitcase waiting in the hall
you have no make-up, no stockings in my drawer

8. can't get you out of my mind - aqualung
i've seen the look in your eye, i've seen you wondering why

9. you could be happy - snow patrol
more than anything I want to see you, girl, take a glorious bite out of the whole world

10. second lover - noah and the whale
and though i don't know your real name, your real age, or your shoe size
i will leave this bedroom chair, and this keyboard behind
and i will love you in reality and dreams

11. more adventurous - rilo kiley
and thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees, and maybe ours is the cause of all mankind

12. calendar girl - stars
one day i'll be sand on the beach by the sea
the pages keep turning, i'll mark off each day with a cross and i'll laugh about all that we've lost

13. grew up at midnight - the maccabees
sheltered in our own worlds, we'd watch the rain right through

14. so long, lonesome - explosions in the sky
---

fuck, man
14 tracks, 60 minutes

not now, forever, anymore

wheresuranus — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 20:55:03 GMT

it's amazing what the mind is willing to believe just to satisfy what we want in our hearts. or maybe it's just me. always so stubborn and adamantly clinging on to the thoughts i've unabashedly invested on, refusing to dispel them despite the truth speaking otherwise.

it cannot be! why not? but this and that.. i was so sure.

i thought maybe i should learn to ask less questions but how else do i switch off this curiosity? aren't we not supposed to explore every little possibility possible? who else is going to challenge the things we know and find the extensiveness of their worth? how else then do we know anything at all?

i often make sense of the things that float around in my head with logic. but sometimes when i go with my feelings, i wish i could still be right.

wheresuranus — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 19:51:47 GMT

Graham Wright - Medicine Hat

You said, "I think I'm getting old". I said, "I think you look better than ever, so let's keep driving. Any direction! And I won't spare you no affection in our beautiful new life. It won't be easy, leaving everything behind, but let's leave everything behind..."

reminders

wheresuranus — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 20:34:45 GMT

that's fantastic, that's sarcastic

wheresuranus — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 21:04:08 GMT

MAN, (ALMOST) HOLIDAYS ARE AWESOME.

happily catching up on the things i've been missing out on last semester: sleep, movies, sleep, movies.

i could this every day!!! but alas, ibp is in progress so all this watching 3 movies a day business will hereby be known as "research" hehe.

wheresuranus — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 18:48:05 GMT

"it's a bit sad."

"wait, sad that you've never done it before or sad to watch alone?"

"to watch alone. who does that, really? it's a bit sad, isn't it?"

but in all honesty, it really is not that bad.
yesterday i went to watch contagion on my own and it felt so natural. going up to the empty theatre and discovering my seat was right in the middle of the screen and then waiting as the theatre fills up with more people. it felt strangely nice. i don't know how people see doing things alone as sad. maybe it sounds sad but i don't think it really is sad at all. it makes me feel like i'm carrying a little secret around that nobody knows.

been spending so much time with people everyday, it feels fucking good to do some things on your own (and for yourself) sometimes. i'm starting to really enjoy being on my own. definitely much less to disappoint, fuck disappointing people/people disappointed with you. i really don't think i can take a day without at least a few hours with myself, i might go insane.

this is currently hitting all the right spots

wheresuranus — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 17:48:42 GMT

wheresuranus — Mon, 23 May 2011 16:11:52 GMT

Athlete - Black Swan Song on MUZU.

This song will forever remind me of my grandparents. I miss them so much. Things have gotten so much more tougher than I thought I could handle. I still sometimes wish I can just cry into my grandmother's arms and things will piece itself back together but that's not how it works anymore. I had so much optimism at the start of the semester, I just wish I don't lose that faith in myself. Especially not now. I really need to get my shit together.

wheresuranus — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 21:20:22 GMT

hanging around catching up with long-time friends and an accidental meeting with an old schoolmate made me realise how shallow and sad the world is. it's gotten so, so shallow and nobody realises it. even myself. whatever happened to pure good company?

i truly hope this sudden realisation doesn't spur me into indifference again.

But I could only make you cry with these words

wheresuranus — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 21:09:11 GMT

i went to see belle and sebastian today.

belle and sebastian to me was like a nobody. it's just their music and their great, comforting voices. i didn't know how they looked like, i didn't know what's their favourite colour, i didn't know how they wore their clothes, i knew nothing about them and i liked it that way. their music was anonymous to me. i enjoyed their music so much i did not want to spoil it by finding out everything about them so i kept it that way. they especially remind me of days where the weather is the perfect combination of rain/cloudy and sunshine (sad and happy) and i'm lying in bed with a book with them accompanying me. and that is all there is to it, it was all very pure.

and then, today, i broke it.

i was sitting right in the middle, i saw everything. it all felt so surreal. i saw how stuart danced, how sarah had all these little instruments, how stevie's hair was. and it felt weird, i felt a little sad. they are actually real. and yet, two songs in, i sat there with the biggest grin on my face and tears in my eyes. they were charming and funny and i had a great time and then the encore came and stuart said that they honestly had a great time and then they left. gone.

i felt like i lost my only friend.

red elephant

wheresuranus — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 20:40:44 GMT

i admit i still do feel lonely from time to time but then again, who hasn't? we are all lonely. i'm happy being on my own rather than be in the company of those who do not share the same values/outlook/mentality as i do, but sometimes i still do crave having someone who understands completely. no explanations, no elaborations. understands just like that. but you know what, the feeling passes. it passes and then you realise that everything is worth so much more when you enjoy your own company.

and i'll burn forever

wheresuranus — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 14:46:32 GMT

in the last 24 hours, i had the best night of my fucking life AND fuck up everything. i have become the exact person i hate and remind myself not to be. wow, confucius is right. "He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior"

BRB NEED TO SNAP OUT OF SELF-HATE AND GET MY SHIT TOGETHER.

wheresuranus — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 02:31:43 GMT

in⋅teg⋅ri⋅ty [in-teg-ri-tee]
–noun
1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.
3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship's hull.

it makes me sick to know that i am among people with absolutely no integrity or whatsoever. i think the only thing i've learnt in school thus far is that nothing is ever real or pure anymore. nothing. the whole world have betrayed us but i guess it depends on how you see it. i hardly think "if you can't beat them, join them" apply.

gone fishing

wheresuranus — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 12:05:09 GMT

Australia, here I comeeeeeee

And if my hands stop working you can call me lazy

wheresuranus — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 18:46:49 GMT

An: Where's our next class ah?
Ryan: Level 9, you know?
Me: Preview Theatre.
An: Shit, is this even school?!

This pretty much sums up how school has been.

the beat goes round and round

wheresuranus — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 19:30:13 GMT

9 weeks of this.

At least I can be content with the pretty lax timings, although it would mean I end pretty late too.
Looking forward to picking up new old (good) habits too (read: regular exercise, etc).
Also, Photography! Storytelling!(?) Studio Production! Computer Graphics! Exploring Contemporary Issues..??? Okay, some modules are really questionable but new modules + semi-new classmates are always exciting, nonetheless.

Alright, its way past 3am and I think I should at least attempt to sleep!

don't get your hopes up

wheresuranus — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 20:03:36 GMT

I am so sick of everyone thinking everyone else will do everything for them.