Whaddaya MEAN you've never heard of me?!?

My tweets

2023-04-28T16:00:20Z

Thu, 17:05: Sorry WHAT is trending?!? Maybe this is a good time to mention that Smurfette was created by Gargamel to turn smurfs against each other so he could more easily kill and eat them. https://t.co/o4fB6AA0L6
Fri, 00:48: Wordle 678 3/6 🟩⬛🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟨🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Fri, 11:57: Senate @GOP: ‘EQUAL rights?!? For everyone?!? We’ll see about that!’ Any of you “Both parties are the same” a-holes care to respond? https://t.co/edHyKN05B3

My tweets

2023-04-27T16:00:19Z

Wed, 12:06: Yeah, but the scientists were so concerned with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should! https://t.co/NZ452jBPZc
Wed, 13:20: Hey, @SixFlags? Did you really fire an employee because someone complained about a fictional book they wrote? If so, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Wed, 14:19: Ha! Be sure to read this profanity-filled anti-me rant before it’s taken down. (Not the book, the review) https://t.co/dMvpqh8Roh
Thu, 02:35: Wordle 677 3/6 ⬛🟨🟩⬛⬛ ⬛🟩🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

My tweets

2023-04-26T16:00:24Z

Tue, 15:30: Some of you have asked about my lesbian lizards AKA mourning geckos. Kristen Stewart here showed herself recently. The only one other than Joan Jett to do so thus far. https://t.co/27UxfYeeh4
Wed, 00:30: Wordle 676 5/6 🟨🟨⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛🟨🟨⬛ ⬛⬛🟨🟩🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Wed, 10:13: Tukkker Carlson and Don Lemon hired the same lawyer after getting fired. I’m not even sure why that’s funny. But it is.
Wed, 11:55: The Twitter blue my boss paid for has finally expired, yet my blue features (save the elusive checkmark) all still work. Love it. And I don’t even have to see Explody McRocketson in my feed. I’m really only here for one guy anyway… https://t.co/2wmBq2wPb5

My tweets

2023-04-25T16:00:17Z

Mon, 14:39: Anybody else think @FoxNews is gonna drop all their heavy hitters and declare bankruptcy? If you’re in the area, do watch out for grifty liars with golden parachutes.
Mon, 17:10: RT @ThrillWHill: In honor of Tucker Carlson getting fired from Fox News, let's all take a moment to appreciate this Hall of Fame moment wit…
Mon, 18:55: You guys... https://t.co/yHjM04aUWy
Tue, 03:05: Wordle 675 4/6 ⬛⬛🟩🟩⬛ ⬛⬛🟩🟩⬛ ⬛🟩🟩🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Tue, 09:32: RT @LowMaga: @seanhannity https://t.co/7KHz1u9r0t
Tue, 10:00: If I may say one last thing about the firings of misogynist jag Don Lemon and cancer on American journalism Tukkker Carlson: This Odd Couple reboot is about to be lit!!! But which one is fastidious? I’m guessing the one used to keeping a white cape and hood springtime fresh. 🤷🏻‍♀️ https://t.co/7i4FtkZUsp
Tue, 10:46: Anne Perry died 2 weeks ago and I’m just finding out now. ☹️ https://t.co/XixxGvNWYL

My tweets

2023-04-24T16:00:16Z

Sun, 20:54: You know this show #Evil? We’re watching it on @paramountplus. We got it to watch Picard but are keeping it because this show has a great cast and really strong writing. It’s Luke Cage, Ben Linus, and Asif Mandvi. https://t.co/KByiL0ZwlK
Mon, 02:21: Wordle 674 5/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛🟨⬛⬛🟨 ⬛⬛🟨🟨⬛ ⬛🟩🟨🟨⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

My tweets

2023-04-23T20:11:15Z

Sun, 01:35: I would genuinely like to know if there are people who began reading @StephenKing because they heard about him for the first time on Twitter. Is that really a thing? https://t.co/zMg4TYAXEe
Sun, 01:36: Tweets that make you feel all oogy. https://t.co/K44ZYtT3R6
Sun, 02:11: Wordle 673 3/6 🟨⬛🟨🟨⬛ ⬛🟨⬛🟩🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Sun, 15:14: Wow. Good on you, @DoorDash! https://t.co/MN5Ev5bA5k
Sun, 15:57: Listening to even these Republicans is just friggin’ surreal. ‘You might be outraged by those who are occasionally reasonable, but remember that they’re all better than the Orange Menace. Yeah, we supported him, but now we know Hillary was right.’ https://t.co/LWh8HETnKq

My tweets

2023-04-21T16:00:23Z

Thu, 13:58: Condolences to @elonmusk and his big manly rocket—which prematurely exploded almost immediately upon launch. Probably because it’s been a while and we’re so pretty. 😂🤣
Thu, 14:27: .@DonaldJTrumpJr Hey Dingus, who’s on your show tonight? I’m sure it’s some bigot trying to make a name for themselves by kissing your dad’s ass. But which one?
Thu, 14:58: Gosh, I guess @dbongino isn’t gonna have a show on FOX anymore. Rumor is they couldn’t meet his price. I did hear something about FOX having a bit of a money-pinch just now… 😂🤣 $100 says Candace Owens is about to get her own program.
Thu, 16:39: I don't always agree with Mr. Cleese, but when he's on point? Damn... https://t.co/RAixaI4H0t
Thu, 16:47: ChatGPT seems pretty "woke" in the MAGA parlance. How long before they boycott? https://t.co/sicdzw6haD

My tweets

2023-04-20T16:27:41Z

Wed, 19:26: What are y’all doing for 4/20 eve? Be sure to leave out milk & cookies for the ZigZag man!
Thu, 00:58: Wordle 670 3/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟨🟨 ⬛🟨🟩🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

My tweets

2023-04-19T20:05:12Z

Tue, 17:03: #FOX “news” gives #Dominion nearly $800million in a settlement they never would have made had they believed what they were reporting. Every viewer who believed them should also sue, and watch other #news. #DominionvFox #FOXNewsLies #FoxNewsTrial https://t.co/3NbURqCfMl
Wed, 02:42: Wordle 669 4/6 🟨⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟩⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟩⬛🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Wed, 08:21: Hey so, you know how #DominionCaved instead of actually striking a blow for Democracy & election integrity? Can anyone help me understand why? FFS, the defamers and paid liars don’t even have to admit what they did. Why doesn’t anyone care about basic right & wrong anymore? 🤷🏻‍♀️
Wed, 09:52: *reads news* Has anyone told Rhonda Santis the the number one killer of kids and teens in this country isn’t trans-affirming care, drag shows, accurate US history, or the House of Mouse? It’s guns, you hilariously closeted nitwit. Do something about the guns. @RonDeSantisFL
Wed, 11:48: Watch out for flying monocles this week as MAGA cultists will undoubtedly be popping them. RuPaul is collaborating with Build-a-Bear on a fabulous stuffy that’s prolly sparkly AF. Can’t wait to hear how that’s an affront to decent society. 🤦🏻‍♀️ https://t.co/2ArGblkOBl
Wed, 14:41: Does @BurgerKing really not have @CokeZero or is the store near me just janky? @DietCoke is the friggin' worst and I don't want it anywhere near my mouth.
Wed, 15:55: They: “We read your interview in Authority magazine. We’re hoping you can sit down with us to talk about your new book series.” Me: Thank you, that sounds good. Me (internally): https://t.co/En81wh9Lau

My tweets

2023-04-10T17:09:18Z

Mon, 00:53: Wordle 660 4/6 ⬛⬛🟨⬛⬛ ⬛⬛🟨🟩🟨 🟨⬛⬛🟩🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Mon, 08:45: Anybody else find it weird that this is still up? Was researching today was didn’t imagine it would be. Um, thanks? https://t.co/sKt256kIAY
Mon, 11:06: Super stoked that my cadre of lesbian lizards (aka Mourning Geckos) will arrive tomorrow. 5 in total—all Hawaiians!!! https://t.co/fws1vzNID0 https://t.co/J1F5KFrBKF
Mon, 12:53: RT @MiaFarrow: The “why”matters less now. We’ve had 128 mass shootings in 2023 - and maybe 128 reasons why. The question is where next. Thi…

My tweets

2023-04-09T16:00:21Z

Sat, 12:13: What do strangers think they’re accomplishing by telling me I’m fat? Do they think I’m unaware? Like maybe I’m buying size 2 clothes and am flummoxed as to why they don’t fit? No, seriously, what is the point?
Sat, 17:34: It’s almost Easter, and you know what that means, right? Time for one of my favorite pictures of my favorite guy. https://t.co/cQOAuU6pIL
Sat, 22:05: How come none of you told me that #Knockatthecabin was an incredible watch? So good. @DaveBautista is blowing my mind with his acting chops. #Damn.
Sun, 00:46: Wordle 659 5/6 ⬛⬛🟩🟨⬛ ⬛⬛🟩⬛🟨 ⬛🟩🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

My tweets

2023-04-08T16:00:17Z

Fri, 13:06: RT @Ugarles: "anti-muslim activist" is a deranged phrase. she's a bigot! she is not an "anti-muslim activist" she is a "pro-bigotry lunatic"
Fri, 13:11: Wow, @JoeBiden, you are screwing up bigly. If we wanted bigoted policies, we’d have voted for the openly hateful guys. You are now on the side of bullies and terrorists. https://t.co/wguDqPTSfr
Fri, 13:41: Pretty soon, hateful bigots won’t be able to get their drink on at all. https://t.co/3WShWJB9X1
Fri, 14:12: Y’all can stop sending me this. I’ve seen it. https://t.co/AoyTfRuhEv
Fri, 14:43: "Handed directly to a resident." https://t.co/bRCPJNC1TQ
Fri, 14:50: Just realized that today is Friday and I'm off all next week. Now I have all the time in the world to chuckle merrily at affluent, grown-ass men throwing temper tantrums over beer cans & whisky bottles.
Fri, 15:20: Just reminding everyone about the greatest song in the whole wide world. @jonathancoulton https://t.co/MnTnWTi8Ha
Fri, 18:17: So...Patreon says I can't change my account to Safe for Everybody because of 1 tiny cannibal sex murder. 😱😡 You know what? Imma turn way into that skid. Because why the hell not. 👿 You filthy maniacs can get in on the action starting at only $5 a month. 👍🔪🩸… https://t.co/JqaYf7V6O7
Fri, 18:36: It's Francis Ford Coppola's birthday. So you all need to be aware of this (he does the whole tril and it's great!!) #MEF https://t.co/93FwnUUOSg
Sat, 01:34: Wordle 658 6/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛🟨⬛ ⬛⬛🟨🟨🟨 ⬛🟨🟨⬛🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

My tweets

2023-04-07T11:07:37Z

Thu, 11:51: Did anybody else have “Don Lemon turns out to be a sexist jag” on their 2023 bingo card? Because I did not.
Thu, 12:36: Wordle 656 2/6 🟨⬛🟨🟨⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Thu, 14:19: Ha. https://t.co/z1oa6CY5rC
Fri, 01:02: Wordle 657 3/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟨🟨🟨⬛🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Fri, 02:58: RT @CoffeyTimeNews: BREAKING: Congressman Ted Lieu has called on Clarence Thomas to resign. I’m with Ted.

My tweets

2023-04-05T20:03:19Z

Tue, 17:44: My MAGA Cousin: They’re railroading him! 🤬 Me: Because he did crimes. MMC: Arresting him is partisan! Me: Not if he’s a criminal. MMC: You just want to see him humiliated. Me: Because he ran for POTUS as a grift and now he’s being charged with conspiracy? Mmmaybe… 😂🤣
Tue, 18:42: I don't normally talk about having a Traumatic Brain Injury--mainly because it provides insult-ammo to already mean people. But after all the talk about @JohnFetterman, I agreed to this interview. Question is, will @jordanklepper see it? https://t.co/7NzoviqbDW
Wed, 00:26: Wordle 655 4/6 ⬛🟨⬛⬛🟨 🟩⬛⬛⬛⬛ 🟩🟨🟩🟨⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Wed, 13:05: Sometimes 1st drafts are super fun to write, other times they’re torture. Either way, today is Anything Can Happen Day! FYI: The President’s Son Saves the World will be the best trilogy-ender ever.
Wed, 13:23: RT @BettyBowers: “When you’re dealing with defendants, don’t be so nice.” —Donald Trump to police “Whaaaaa! Whaaaaa! The police didn’t ho…
Wed, 13:26: Me: Why am I seeing so many PSAs about anti-semitism suddenly? Me: *checks hate crime stats* Me: Oh…well, that sucks. You’d think since George Soros apparently owns the world, that he’d have stopped this. 🤔
Wed, 15:13: Bigoted drinkers of tin-can-flavored swill are not having a very good week. https://t.co/NxShhXcxNU
Wed, 15:18: @KidRock reminds me of the weekend dads who reek of Marlboros and scream in front of their toddlers how they would "sue the shit out of Blockbuster" over $4 in late fees. But sure, sorry the rampant tolerance of a beer company gave him a semi-automatic sad. 🎻🎻🎻

My tweets

2023-03-30T09:51:02Z

Wed, 11:22: Wordle 648 3/6 🟩🟩⬛🟨🟩 🟩🟩🟩⬛🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Wed, 15:17: "Contrary to what some braying jackasses would have you believe, a mental health diagnosis or head injury doesn’t make someone a “vegetable.” Getting help is a sign of strength and perseverance — not weakness or feeble-mindedness." https://t.co/9DSxpLJhLF
Wed, 16:18: High School Classmate: I've been sober for 8 weeks and my kid is still acting out. It's ridiculous. Me: Your kid is 10. You've been sober for 1.8% of his life. Get some fucking perspective. HSCM: He's gonna drive me to drink! Me: *wonders if I should offer to raise kid*
Wed, 20:40: Reminder: It’s still stupid that I can’t stream the original #DawnOfTheDead. I have to keep a DVD player around just for that, the B&W version of #TheMist, #Paxton’s director commentary from #Frailty, and a few criterion things. #1stWorldProblems
Thu, 03:55: Wordle 649 6/6 ⬛⬛🟨⬛⬛ 🟨⬛🟨🟨⬛ ⬛⬛🟩🟨⬛ ⬛🟩🟩🟩⬛ ⬛🟩🟩🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

My tweets

2023-03-28T16:00:28Z

Mon, 17:40: If I'm being honest, I feel a lot more stoppable than this article would suggest. PS. Nobody tell #DonJr, lest he call me a vegetable or say that if anyone cared about me they'd tell me to quit my job and go drool in a padded room somewhere. https://t.co/7NzoviqJtu
Tue, 00:59: Wordle 647 5/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟨⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛🟨🟨⬛⬛ ⬛🟩🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

My tweets

2023-03-27T16:00:38Z

Sun, 18:37: Was trying to buy my hubs a suit for his mother's funeral (she died yesterday) and was interrupted by a call that my uncle/godfather died last night. Great joke, Karma. But if you could give me a fucking break now and then, that would also be nice.
Mon, 00:36: Wordle 646 5/6 ⬛⬛🟨⬛⬛ ⬛🟨🟨⬛⬛ 🟨🟨🟨⬛⬛ ⬛🟨⬛🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Mon, 09:29: Two deaths in my immediate family over the weekend has us talking about how much we want or don’t want to die alone. Obvs, we don’t all get to choose. But I think I prefer that my death be as private as possible. It’s not a spectator sport.

My tweets

2023-03-26T16:00:33Z

Sat, 15:07: I will legit never buy clothing marketed to me “as a mature woman.” I need a way to demonstrate how NOT mature I am. I’m rubber & you’re glue—so everything you say bounces off me & sticks to you, Doodyhead! *licks hand, touches you* I hope that clears up any misunderstanding.
Sat, 16:27: My smug-churchy mother-in-law died this morning. Irritating as she was, she raised a fine man for me to marry and I wish I’d been more gracious toward her.
Sun, 00:09: Wordle 645 3/6 ⬛🟨🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟩⬛🟨⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

My tweets

2023-03-25T16:00:18Z

Sat, 01:03: Wordle 644 5/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛🟩🟩 ⬛🟩⬛🟩🟩 ⬛🟩🟨🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

My tweets

2023-03-25T04:34:35Z

Fri, 07:42: Wordle 643 4/6 ⬛🟨⬛⬛⬛ ⬛🟨🟨⬛⬛ 🟨🟩🟩⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Fri, 07:52: Delighted to hear this morn that the #lesbian #lizards (mourning #geckos to you normies) are back in stock at @JoshsFrogs. Beyond stoked to go pick some up!!! My #paludarium has been waiting for this since November.
Fri, 14:56: I've got to figure out a way not to internally panic whenever a famous old person is suddenly trending. Jack Nicholson is fine. I'm off to reaffirm the healing power of laughter... (at least until McMurphy brings in hookers and booze).
Fri, 15:16: "Handed directly to a resident" #Amazon https://t.co/AmKxC3Mdxn
Fri, 15:55: Glad to see that Fetterman is feeling better. Just noticing though, that Mitch McConell has a concussion and not one @GOP hatemonger has been calling him a vegetable or saying 'if anyone cared about him they'd make him retire.'
Fri, 15:59: Maybe you all should stop with the gleeful mockery of the new investigations on Melania. She's had sex with Donald Trump. More than once. FFS, her life is nightmarish enough. Prison would be an upgrade.
Fri, 16:40: Who's got two thumbs and a new horror story up for all my wonderful supporters!! 👍👍 (it me) https://t.co/JVy7yOvPiv
Fri, 20:24: Agreed. https://t.co/qkXC1eLdxo
Fri, 23:27: Hey, #Writer / #Author types. I just looked in an old folder and found 4 different partial manuscripts I seriously have no memory of writing. Honestly none. Does that like...mean something bad? It doesn't sound like it means something good. #Books #Novels

My tweets

2023-03-22T11:39:31Z

Tue, 10:23: My week so far is already nightmarish. So I'm posting this, which always makes me laugh. (it's for the political satire books I write under a fake name) https://t.co/6gQl5Fu91K
Tue, 14:37: Our fridge broke 6 hours after we did a month of grocery shopping. $300 is a hard hit for us right now. But…I took a nap & woke to enough donated 💰💰to replace everything—plus enough to order dinner tonight. That’s because my friends are poor & progressive. We help each… https://t.co/x10uzHH3E0
Tue, 15:18: My twitter reading feed is somehow rife with the worst of the #MAGA @GOP. Gross, right? Funny thing is, not one person wailing about a potential #Trumparrest is saying he didn’t do what he’s accused of—only that it’s partisan to arrest him for it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ #TrumpIsACriminal
Tue, 22:34: Michael Steele is on @MSNBC now? These fake-ass, attention-starved #maga people are ridiculous. Now he’s talking to Michael friggin’ Cohen about how T is a liar. Sure, he is. But y’all both made money kissing his ring.
Wed, 00:28: Wordle 641 4/6 ⬛⬛⬛🟩🟨 🟩⬛⬛🟩⬛ ⬛⬛⬛🟩⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Wed, 03:44: RT @kylegriffin1: House Oversight's Jamie Raskin: "The Republicans' letter to the Manhattan District Attorney represents an astonishing and…

My tweets

2023-03-20T16:46:57Z

Sun, 16:20: If you’re starting an argument because someone didn’t laugh at your hateful joke, it may be time to consider that YOU are the “overly-sensitive woke snowflake.”
Sun, 17:29: The future the alt-reich wants: To pretend racism never existed and anyone who says otherwise is just trying to start a race war. Call out this crap where ever you see it. https://t.co/dSiUor7dYu
Sun, 21:24: RT @Im14N: @JackPosobiec https://t.co/KkhzoXUqsG

My tweets

2023-03-19T19:13:38Z

Sat, 15:56: RT @Tibou33969029: " My name is Jon Stewart. I am Jewish and zionists call me antisemite to shut down discussions about Palestinian human r…
Sat, 15:59: Do I really have to subscribe to @AppleTVPlus just to watch Jon Stewart? I liked TV more when I didn't have to have a separate monthly subscription for each channel.
Sat, 16:03: My Maga Cousin: Book banning isn't always bad. Parents have a right to decide. Me: Unless their children are trans, right? MMC: Wdym? Me: You love that new law where parents of trans kids can be arrested for taking them to the doctor. MMC: That's different. Me: How? MMC:… https://t.co/OsLD96EF2N
Sun, 01:31: Wordle 638 5/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟨🟨⬛🟨⬛ ⬛⬛🟨🟨🟨 ⬛🟨⬛🟨🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Sun, 12:53: From The Duh Files. https://t.co/OtzhTcv5dA

My tweets

2023-03-18T16:31:12Z

Fri, 16:04: Are they gonna disallow @nbcsnl in #Tennessee? Because you can take the Gap Girls from my cold dead hands. Weird that some of those “cross dressing #groomers” are outspoken #MAGA types now. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Whatever you do, don’t let your kid see this: https://t.co/dCwblFiETR #trans?
Fri, 16:40: You know, @RonDeSantisFL definitely has the face of a dude who would watch a human being tortured…and be completely unaffected by it. Lacking humanity and empathy is a win for these fascists. https://t.co/H6f8cBrwbl
Fri, 18:15: Wait, did @JohnCleese get a new gig posing for cautionary signs? https://t.co/2xatc7EHRy
Fri, 19:06: They’re remaking #FacesOfDeath? Seems like that’s something that would make every existing #horror group collapse into itself. I’m intrigued. But you just know it’s going to be straight-up #gorenography.
Fri, 20:01: Some random #creep is trying to buy this #painting, which I’ve been obsessing over for years. So now I gotta buy it by months end or it’s going in some a-holes “#Trump #art exhibit.” Like that’s really more important than adding it to my collection… #MAGA? #DonJr. #MAGACult… https://t.co/DvKBLFkyAH https://t.co/LnY7y5Kl4e
Sat, 01:15: Wordle 637 4/6 🟨⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟨⬛🟨⬛⬛ ⬛⬛⬛🟨⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Sat, 10:28: The hubs and I have a long-standing joke/argument about displaying this man’s evocative visage in our home. I win. Always. https://t.co/SnngkQe6tl

My tweets

2023-03-16T16:00:29Z

Wed, 18:55: JFC would you look at this friggin’ lunatic?!? (Click for all the madness). https://t.co/qHSPE1wnfE
Thu, 00:22: Wordle 635 6/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛🟨 🟨🟨⬛⬛⬛ ⬛🟨⬛🟩🟨 🟨🟩🟩🟩⬛ ⬛🟩🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩