Something came up for me while I was meditating the other day…

I have a problem with COMMITMENT!

Not in relationships (nod to Steve – you’re not getting rid of me)!

But more, career commitment.

I’ve had ambitions and dreams, and started on some incredible adventures… but then it’s like I get so far and then back out… (I’m like a metaphorical career-bride with cold feet before her wedding day)!

It’s like I’m scared to put my all in… I’m scared of failing…

I guess if I back out before things get too big or go too well, then I don’t have so far to fall, and I don’t have so many people to let down…

And I think that’s a big thing for me, I’m scared of letting others down.

I’m consumed by doing what’s right for other people, like I have this unwritten responsibility to put everyone else first.

There have been so many things in the past that I’ve looked back at and wondered… What if… What if I’d stuck with that, or done that differently, where could it have gone?...

Perhaps it’s the responsibility… I don’t want people to rely on me just in case I do let them down…

But then I’ve never given myself the opportunity to try, to just see where it goes and how it works out…

The problem with self-sacrifice

So many of us put others first… making sure everyone else has everything they need without even considering ourselves.
How many times have I left the house for a wet dog walk with the kids, making sure they’re dressed to the nines in waterproofs, wellies and wet-weather gear, only to get to our destination, step out of the car and realise I’m in crocs and haven’t even thrown a jacket in for myself! (OK, so maybe it’s slightly different when it comes to our children, but you get the point…)

We’re always making sure others are happy, without asking what’s making us happy…

Saying yes to things, even though we should be saying no because we simply don’t have capacity…

Sacrificing our own needs in order to meet others’.

It comes from a good place, a place of love and support, but the truth is, if we continually neglect ourselves in the process, it can have serious repercussions for our health.

When we look at this ‘emotionally’; pushing down our own feelings and emotions by ignoring or overlooking how we feel and what we’re experiencing, then our bodies store stress, and this means that much-needed energy is being used to harbour that stress instead of helping our bodies build crucial immunity, fighting off disease and illness, and therefore leaving us open to inflammation.

I’m currently reading The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, very slowly working my way through the war and peace wedge of it!

It’s a heavy book (physically and mentally), but my word is it fascinating and attention-grabbing!

There is so much insight contained within it that I have an accompanying notebook and 40,000 sticky notes protruding from its pages!

Among many other things, Maté talks about the repression and suppression of emotions.

The difference between repression and suppression is that one we’re aware of… and one we’re not.

Suppression is the one where we knowingly and deliberately push it away because it’s difficult to deal with, and we want to get some distance from it.

Repression, however, happens without us knowing; it’s an unconscious act.

They are both defence mechanisms; ways our minds attempt to keep us safe, both from physical and psychological harm.

In some situations, it can be necessary to temporarily suppress an emotion, for example, we’re driving and someone cuts us up; this will probably make most of us pretty angry, but we need to suppress that anger because we have our children in the back seat and we need to stay focused on the busy road and driving safely.

But when we’re consistently suppressing our emotions, then it can have negative effects on us.

Self-AWARENESS is the answer

So, how do we identify and manage stress if we’re not even aware of it?

It comes back to self-awareness.

We need to be self-aware… to notice, intercept and manage our emotions and stress.

To give ourselves time and space to just sit with our experiences, our thoughts and our emotions. Explore and be curious of them:
- Is this behaviour justified?
- Where is it coming from?
- Is this thought pattern helping or hindering to me and my health?
- Was that response a gut reaction?
- Why did I react like that?...

In an attempt to stay committed to practising what I preach, let me share this recent example with you…

We all know parenting is unpredictable, right?
Well, for what feels like the 40^th time this year, Steve and I made plans to have a day together, which was rudely side tackled by childhood illness.
This time it was the latest autumnal back-to-school virus doing the rounds and a poorly 10-year-old.
So, instead of ‘date day’, going out and doing something nice together, we were handed uniforms of home-nurse and DIY overalls, i.e. me looking after A and Steve doing some much-needed jobs around the house. (Goodness, I didn’t realise we are so stereotypical!?)

This has happened before:

At the point of realisation that our planned day was not going ahead, the disappointment hit me hard – like a rogue rugby ball to the stomach.

I was bitterly disheartened.
But also appreciated that this isn’t A’s fault.

So instead of pushing down those feelings (suppressing them), I did something different….

• I allowed myself to feel!

• I gave myself a little time and space to feel it all!

I told myself it’s natural to feel disappointed and upset… It’s OK to feel that way.

And, if I allow myself to feel them, to reach inside and hold them, just for a minute, then I can let them go instead of holding them in.

It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t feel disappointed, but it allows me to momentarily explore why I’m feeling what I’m feeling, to acknowledge it, and then find a way past it.

Instead of focusing on ‘what could have been’, I adjusted my view to what was before me, being present in the moment, and then revealing some gratitude; I felt grateful that I get to look after A when he’s ill, that I’m here for him, and that gives me some contentment.

The self-awareness of acknowledging how we’re feeling allows it to dissipate, instead of growing stronger in the foggy distance, like an oncoming tornado, quietly charging towards us, gaining speed and momentum….

Instead of suppressing our feelings and emotions, let’s give them a time and place to be heard, to be felt.

So, let me tell you, now that I’ve realised I have career-commitment issues defence mechanisms(!), I’ve decided I’m not letting it get in my way anymore!!

I’m currently embarking on some exciting ventures at this very moment, and I am going all in!

So what if I fail!

So what if I fall flat on my face!

So what if I make a fool of myself in the process!

It doesn’t matter!
What matters is that I tried!
I don’t want those ‘What if’ wonderings any longer! Life is too short! If we don’t try, we won’t ever find out!
And nothing happens when we stay in our comfort zone (she says as she hesitantly pushes her soft, warm safety blanket to the side), a little nerves, uncertainty and risk are what life is all about, right?…

Take care and much love,

Julie x