The only thing you really know about me...

vortexofbeats @ 2011-11-20T02:11:00

2011-11-20T08:11:21Z

There has never been a time that this foolish dream wasn't the very core of my being. Not even as a child did I ever want to be anything else. Giving up that dream will mean giving up the central part of what I am as a person.

Giving it up is killing who I am. Without that dream, I have no idea who I am.

Promo posters

2011-11-01T01:05:52Z

Close enough!

Tumblr

2011-10-31T16:26:27Z

I just realized that I keep forgetting to mention this. I have one. I blog about my band and The GazettE. A LOT. XD;;

prince-vermin.tumblr.com. <3

Nagoya || AoiXRuki || haha what have we done oh god

2011-10-20T23:43:17Z

After the live in Nagoya, tensions between Aoi and Ruki com to a boil.

Aoi was usually the first to slip offstage before the encore, with Kai lingering the longest. After the encore, he followed the rhythm brothers and his partner closely, but always kept a close eye on Ruki to make sure the vocalist was following them. Unless Kai was tossing drumsticks into the audience, it was always Ruki to exit the stage last.
After this particular live, Aoi barely said a word to Uruha and Reita when they went home. A very exhausted Kai slapped Aoi hard on the back and told him to hang in there (what a joke) before casting a glance down the hall towards where the stage was located. Ruki wasn't back yet.
"Should I head back?" Kai murmured, but Aoi shook his head.
"I'll wait for him. I owe him a personal apology."
Kai offered him a tired smile and placed a hand on his shoulder for a moment. Wishing him luck again, Kai left. Aoi continued to wait, and his mind drifted to his guitar, now ruined and having done nothing but be loyal to him for years. He knew why Ruki was late. It was Ruki's own way of apologizing to their fans. He was used to the sight of cute girls in their finest punk or lolita clothes sobbing their eyes out, but the mood tonight had been different. Ruki himself was so tense that his back was threatening to start spasming. The vocalist felt like he hadn't relaxed for a moment since Aoi's temper tantrum, and he couldn't explain it any other way. That man was completely unreasonable when he lost his temper, he knew it. Some times were better than others. Sometimes all it took was a kind word or a gentle touch. It was why he'd risked everything by holding Aoi close when they'd returned to the stage. It all came down to finding out exactly what had gone wrong.
Ruki stood at the front of the stage, his chin raised and his eyes cast out to the crowd. They called for him, and he waved and bowed. Gave them a last moment with him, the man who they elevated to god status every night they played a show. Only when he felt like he could be calm enough did he leave the stage and let the staff start ushering fans away.
Ruki lingered, hesitant to face whatever might be waiting for him down the hall. When he finally pushed through the doors into the greenroom, he was shaking and exhausted. The adrenaline had begun to wear off, and he was looking at his feet. Aoi had waited, looking patient though he was anything but. He jolted forward when he heard footsteps, but did not move to approach them. He waited until Ruki rounded the corner, then lifted his chin slightly and called to him.
"Ruki. Ready to go?"
Ruki didn't look ready. He looked anything but ready. But Aoi had waited. That was a somewhat good sign to Ruki. Ruki looked up but didn't meet Aoi's eyes. The occasional bustling staff member came by and congratulated or thanked him. His eyes found a home on Aoi's collar bone, an acceptable substitute for eye contact in his opinion.
"Did we miss the others?" he asked, barely more than a grunt. Ruki's T-shirt and long cardigan clung to his shoulders limply, more than a little damp with sweat. He raised his arm and wiped at his forehead in an attempt to clear away some of the moisture that was now ice cold.
Ruki was the kind of person to stare into someone's soul when he spoke to them. The fact that he was actively avoiding Aoi's eyes disturbed both of them a great deal, but they disguised it. Ruki swallowed hard and nodded once.
"Yeah. Kai just left."
Aoi went quiet again, waiting. They were going to the same place, anyway. It just felt risky, to Ruki, for them to leave the venue alone together.
"Ah." Ruki turned and went about getting his things, trying to be polite with the staff as he prepared to leave. He was silent through it all, collecting his bags and some of the gifts that had been left for him. "Are you still mad?" he asked finally. His voice carried little emotion, and his expression remained guarded.
Aoi shook his head, brushing messy hair out of his eyes. He badly needed a shower, but his limbs shook with exhaustion. He'd perhaps claim the bath if Ruki didn't get there first. He'd just need to pray he didn't fall asleep against the bathroom wall. He watched Ruki collect his things, leaving his own for the staff to take care of. Loaded up with his handbag and the gift bags, Ruki turned toward his companion and stared at him. His gaze was unwavering, but he still didn't quite meet his eyes.
"Let's go home then." Ruki wasn't ready to start this. He knew that something was wrong, and he was unbelievably tired. He just wanted to collapse. It was his own inner voice that made him refuse to do so without a shower and a soak in the bath. The vocalist made it very obvious that he was leaving it up to Aoi to lead the way.
Aoi reached down to relieve Ruki of some of his burden, then turned away without a word to head back to the car. He was shaking still, but he wasn't sure if it was the thrill of the live, the remnants of the tantrum, or just sheer exhaustion. He was silent all the way out to the car, even when he began to help Ruki load his things into it. When he slipped into the driver's seat, the radio remained off, and Aoi didn't start the car yet.
Lost in his own thoughts, Ruki let Aoi keep quiet. He didn't know where to start, and didn't want to get him into it before they got home. Aoi was a relatively steady driver unless he was pissed. Only when he'd slipped into the passenger's seat and pulled his knee up and propped it against the dashboard did he actually look at Aoi's face, if only from the corner of his eye. The guitarist had a scary expression earlier, but now he just looked exhausted. He didn't like it. He wanted to help.
It was hard for him to offer that comfort though, when part of him was still angry that he'd caused such a public scene to start with.
"Yuu. I don't know what happened tonight, but... never mind. We'll talk when we're home. I'm keeping my mouth shut till then."
But he was completely conflicted. Ruki leaned his head back against the headrest and dug into the pocket of his loose jacket to pull out his cigarettes and zippo. Striking the flame to life, he lit it slowly and sucked in a drag.
"Fuck it. Are you alright?"
"Please don't smoke right now," Aoi said simply, starting the car. He got onto the road without another word, but while the words had been spoken rather calmly, his knuckles were white on the wheel. Dark eyes flicked towards the cigarette between Ruki's slender fingers, but he tore them away quickly to watch the road. Ruki huffed at the lack of an answer, but honored the other man's wishes. He crushed the cherry in the car's ashtray and tucked the barely-touched thing back into his pack for later. He knew that Aoi was trying to quit. It was just another sign that the other man had more guts than he did.
"Sorry," he grunted, an afterthought. Annoyed that he had barely satisfied his urge, Ruki turned to fidgeting with the fringe on his jacket to sustain himself for the time being. Lights raced past them as he stared out of the window, already too late for the typical traffic jams in this part of the city. He'd get home and relax, and hopefully Aoi would get out of his mood soon enough. Damn his temper.
"If you--" He cut himself off again, reminding himself that he'd sworn to keep his mouth shut until they got home.
"If I what?" Aoi's voice was scarily quiet, fire crackling within coals that had mostly gone out. His driving remained steady, his eyes locked on the road, but his lips were pursed and his brow furrowed.
A heavy sigh. Sounded like there was no avoiding it. Whatever, he was always living on the edge anyway. Ruki leaned his head back again, curls that were starting to go limp swept back over his shoulder.
"If you have a problem, you should fucking talk to me about it." That was what... ... what... what were they, anyway? He refused to think about it. It was just another thing that he had to hide day in and day out. They lived together. Shouldn't they be able to rely on each other if there were problems?
"I don't know, Ruki," Aoi muttered. "A lot of things have been building. Little things. They just built too much."
He used to be easily angered, and lash out at everything. He'd swallowed his temper for the fans, but it had been steadily building for months since the Tokyodome.
"You don't know," Ruki parroted flatly. He knew that he was pretty good at antagonizing him. He knew that Aoi needed to focus on the road, but his own anger was building in that quiet, seething way. "Fuck it," he breathed. "Just get us home."
The vocalist was tired and barely able to focus on his own thoughts, let alone try to untangle those of his moody partner. Aoi could sense the waves of anger coming from Ruki, but he said nothing, just watched the road and occasionally glanced at the clock. He couldn't wait until they were home, but things were so tense right now that he felt sick. He looked at Ruki, then forced his gaze back onto the road.
"What do you want me to say?" he muttered, and maybe it was more to himself than Ruki.
Ruki shook his head even though he knew Aoi wasn't looking. He stared at the tail lights of the car in front of them as they came to a stop at a red light.
"At least fucking tell me that it was something worth being that pissed about. FUCK, Aoi, this isn't our indies days anymore!" he snapped. It was as close as Ruki got to yelling on a normal day. He never exploded, not in the way that Aoi and Kai, even Reita could. He had always shared that with Uruha…a kind of quiet, seething anger. Aoi closed his eyes until he heard the car in front of him move.
Aoi felt sick to his stomach, and he knew this wasn't the result of exhaustion or withdrawal symptoms. It took a lot to make Ruki angry, so he knew he deserved it. On the other hand, he'd already apologized to the fans, and he was already angry enough at himself for the entire band.
Ruki rested his face in his hand, closing his eyes against the glare of Tokyo's lights. They were almost home. He wanted his dog, and he wanted the lump in his throat to go the fuck away. They'd come so far, and been through so much and now that they were pro, the media, and worse, the fans, were going to have a field day with it. The only thing that was worse that could have happened was...
No. He wasn't even going to consider that one. Their relationship had to stay under wraps. As much as it could have been a great marketing ploy, that just wasn't what their band was about. It was the wrong kind of attention, in Ruki's mind. He gritted his teeth and waited in stony silence. He could tell Aoi was upset too, though in what capacity he wasn't certain.
Aoi didn't say anything else until he'd pulled in and exited the car. He was already gathering Ruki's things before the vocalist could even get out. His head was spinning, the lights from the road and the stage both making him feel disoriented and dazed, and the cheers during Kantou still making his head ache. He took as much as he could from the car, leaving only a few bags for Ruki and also leaving Ruki the responsibility of opening the front door.
"I'm sorry," he said finally. "I can't fix it. But I'm sorry."
Hesitating despite his hatred of the act, Ruki sighed and finally opened his eyes when Aoi slipped out of the driver's seat. He collected his bags and made his way towards the door to their apartment complex, the man's apology ringing in his ears and grabbing his heart.
"I know," he finally responded as he opened the door and held it for the other man.
Aoi headed up the stairs ahead of Ruki, waiting for him to catch up. He could hear Koron sniffling at the door and his claws against the ground. He praised him quietly. He shifted the weight of the bags on his tired limbs. Ruki was quick to unlock the door and push it open for the both of them while shooing Koron away from the door. He dropped his bags on the counter of the small kitchen that opened up into their lavishly decorated sitting room, all in Ruki's taste with a few of Aoi's favorite animal skin touches. He scooped up his over-excited pet and cradled the Chihuahua in the crook of his arm before kicking off his shoes and leaving them carelessly at the door, crossing over to the couch.
He sat down with Koron, more or less waiting for Aoi though he pretended otherwise. Of course he was just giving his beloved pet some attention, not soothing away his own anxieties.
"Do you want a bath first?" Aoi asked, effectively ruining his plan to snag it before Ruki had a chance to. He put everything down on the table lazily.
"Mmhm." Ruki definitely wanted a bath. Koron got up and shot to the end of the couch, his tail wagging fervently as he tried to get to Aoi. Ruki watched, his expression still contemplative. Tired. "I just don't get it. What was so bad that you lost it like that? You've been fine lately. Relaxed. Cheerful even, though you bitch about being lonely in interviews." Bullshit, he wanted to say. It made his stomach twist in jealous anger every time he read something like that.
Ruki rubbed at his face, certainly smearing what was left of his make-up. He needed to get his make-up bag and find his remover before the bath if he didn‘t want to end up looking like one of those crying girls from the audience.
"I told you. A lot of things have been piling up."
Aoi's tone was defensive and somewhat desperate, and he glanced over at Ruki pleadingly. It wasn't clear exactly what he was silently asking for. Koron finally jumped off of the couch and ran over to Aoi, paws immediately all over his boots as the dog tried to climb up his leg. He leaned down to scratch Koron's ears gently, finding the softest patch directly behind thin skin.
Koron was probably the only creature that knew Aoi as both Aoi and Yuu, with no restrictions. He was a lucky little thing. Aoi smiled sadly at him. Ruki pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on his arms, which rested on his knees.
"I get it. But what? I thought... I thought everything was fine." There was guilt in his voice, and the lights from the billboard across the street made his skin appear rosy. He stared in the dim light filtering in from the kitchen at the opposite wall. "Fuck it." He paused, frowning. "Run a bath." It came out like a command, but there was a quiet bit of guilt and a plea attached to it in his tone.
"Don't--" Aoi started to snap, but he bit his tongue hard and turned away from Koron. Platinum hair cast his eyes into shadow. ‘Don't tell me what to do,’ he'd been about to say, but he felt as though he had quite a bit to make up for. He left the room to obey Ruki's order.
As the water began to run, Aoi found himself unable to look away from the flow. His mind trailed to unwanted places, and he didn't leave the bathroom. It took Ruki several long moments sitting there to get himself together. It was Koron's warm tongue lapping at his toes that made him snap back to reality. Reaching down to stroke the Chihuahua’s ears, he pushed himself up and started to do something that he rarely if ever did. He began to undress on his way towards the bathroom. His jacket went first, draped over a chair. Then his long cardigan sweater, pooled on the floor of the hallway. Next, he unbuttoned his tight jeans and started to wiggle out of them on the other side of the bathroom door.
When he pushed into the room, he was wearing nothing but the long, slightly baggy tour T-shirt. It didn't do much to cover him up, and that was something he didn't like. It was his vulnerability in front of Aoi alone that made it bearable, That made him willing to do such a thing. He wanted the tense air to go away. He wanted it gone.
Without a word, Ruki stripped out of the shirt and left it to get soaked on the floor of the bathroom as he crossed over to the shower and started adjusting the temperature. He winced when the hot water from the shower head hit his body, instantly plastering his meticulously styled hair to his face and neck. Dark strands looked even darker wet, and clung to his shoulders and back. He kept his back to Aoi, slender hips and curves that no man should have looking washed out in the whiteness of the room. He bent down and reached for his shampoo, methodically using his fingers to comb through the thick spikes caused by hairspray and styling putty.
Aoi kept his eyes carefully averted, trying to respect Ruki's privacy though he desperately wanted to look. He got to his knees and sat by the tub, playing the live over and over in his head, kicking himself internally every time he heard that terrible sound of shrieking feedback and crunching wood play in his mind. He wet his lips with his tongue.
The shocked looks of his fans were nothing to him in comparison to the feeling of his bandmates' eyes on him, curious, shocked, angry, and scared. Worst of it may have been from Kai, who always tried so hard to make everyone happy and who had thought things were going so well for all of them.
Resisting the urge to look behind him, Ruki rinsed his hair and grabbed his washcloth from where it was hanging and began the process of scrubbing his back. Suds slid down his shoulder blades, a stark contrast to the harsh, dark scar tissue that ran down the center of his lower back.
Even after Aoi turned the water off and what felt like a long time after Ruki had gotten into the shower, Aoi did not turn around. More unwanted thoughts entered his mind. What had made him angry enough to throw his guitar across the stage was nothing compared to the self-loathing he felt now, but even those thoughts were beginning to flood into his mind. He craved a cigarette, but dared not to cross back into the living room.
Finally, he glanced over at Ruki, telling himself it was just to see how far into the shower the vocalist actually was. If nothing else, maybe it could give him an excuse to go to bed early and avoid talking to the other man for the rest of the night. Ruki was already rinsing his hair for the second time, unaware that Aoi had finally looked his way and wondering if it even mattered. The room was starting to steam up, and he was sure the guitarist's clothes were starting to cling unpleasantly by now.
He wanted to settle this. He wanted an end to all of this weight that was starting to manifest an unpleasant lump in his throat. Moments later, he turned the water off abruptly and turned to face Aoi, almost shameless, or at least as shameless as he could be. He pushed some of the wet strands out of his eyes.
"Go take your fucking shower. I want to talk to you. Keep talking. I don't care about what."
There was definitely something bothering him, something that Aoi wasn't saying, and Ruki was determined to drag it out of him. Still dripping, he crossed over to the bath and sank into it. Aoi stripped quickly, feeling disgusting in these clothes that were so wet with the dampness of the bathroom and the dried sweat from the encore. He stepped in the shower immediately after disrobing, not even bothering to put his clothes in a neater place. This time, he disobeyed Ruki's order, and he remained quite silent.
He was trying hard to gather his thoughts, but each time, words fluttered from his grasp. Ruki didn't push him, but he did watch him. Ruki was someone who tried to appreciate his surroundings regardless of his situation. He knew the importance of knowing what was going on around him which meant that he was going to do his best to read the guitarist's mood. He watched platinum morph into dark blond in the moisture, watched styled locks go limp and plaster themselves to the contours of the older man's skull. He wondered what was going on inside of it.
Encased in the warmth of the bath, Ruki wished that he could make Aoi's suffering less. The vocalist could be fickle and selfish, but his friends had begun to mean more to him than ever. Aoi's closeness and the quiet camaraderie they'd shared since their earliest days had been a constant source of comfort. While he'd known Reita and Uruha the longest, Aoi had been the mysterious new constant that walked into his life well before the GazettE had come to be.
"Yuu. I need to know what's going on in your head, damn it. I'm fucking going crazy. Is it me? Is it fucking Kai annoying you again? Uruha being cold? Reita saying insensitive things? Fuck me. I need to know what's going on. Let me in."
"Just give me some time, Ruki," Aoi said, careful to use the proper name despite the temptation to do what the vocalist was doing. His tone was low and cautious in the other words as well, indicating that he really did not want to speak but would not get angry unless Ruki kept prodding.
It struck him then that maybe the reason he was keeping so very quiet and trying to collect his thoughts in some coherent way was because every single one of the things bothering him was also tormenting Ruki in some way or another. It hardly seemed logical that he, who suffered so much less than Ruki on a day-to-day basis, should have any right to lose his temper when Ruki had not.
And onstage, no less.
Aoi washed his hair and body quickly, but hesitated in getting out from beneath the hot stream of water. It felt good on his exhausted and bruised limbs. The bath would feel much better, he knew, and he ached to sit down, but he didn't want to crowd Ruki. He was also unaware that Ruki was watching him so intently, and knew very well that the guitarist had finished bathing.
Ruki shifted slowly, annoyed at the almost impersonal way that Aoi was desperately trying to regard him with. His back was getting stiff despite the therapeutic hot water he'd submerged himself in up to his neck. After a long pause and a grunt, he looked over at Aoi, his face kept carefully passive in expression.
"Hurry the fuck up," he grunted. Maybe bathing together was too intimate. He didn't care. He was sick of Aoi keeping all of his complaints to himself. It was beginning to hurt the entire band. Ruki was swearing a lot, even for him, Aoi noted. He scowled and shut the water off. He knew Ruki wanted him to get into the bath with him, but he continued to try and find an excuse not to.
"Why are you staring at me like that?" he growled finally, unable to take Ruki's cold abuse anymore.
"Because I fucking feel like it," Ruki said in response. Dark eyes were cold, but not unwelcoming. He was only keeping the facade in order to protect himself from whatever rage was building. He knew just how hurtful Aoi could be when he was in a foul mood, and he wasn't sure he could handle that in that moment. “Get in the bath and stop complaining, asshole."
Ruki was trying to sound strong, angry even, but his voice wavered violently and made the lump in his throat painfully obvious. He looked down at his knees, and pulled them up to his chest in order to give the guitarist more room.
Aoi shot Ruki a venomous glare as he sank into the bath beside him. His aching body began to relax instantly, but he was still tense, angry, a bomb ready to explode if the wire was cut or if Ruki moved too fast or spoke too harshly.
"What do you want to say, Ruki?" he snarled. "Stop treating me like shit and just let me have it already. Make it easier for both of us."
The vocalist glared over his knees at the taller man, annoyed at the attitude but unable to deny him his right. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, shakily. Soaking wet hair and a creased brow were all that would be visible over his arms.
"I can't even fucking be mad because I don't know what I should be mad about. Motherfucking… FUCK." His voice cracked and he had to stop to collect himself. "You just smashed a guitar, something you swore you'd never do, in front of fifteen thousand people. And you can't even tell me why aside from answering "some stuff." Don't you get how I feel?" He usually did. Aoi always understood him, even if he reacted harshly.
"I'd be pretty pissed, if I were you," Aoi said hotly. "But I'm not you, Ruki. I'm me. I'm Aoi, and Aoi is the one who threw a bitch fit tonight. Obviously, Aoi's in a pretty bad fucking mood, too."
Ruki raised his head. His eyes met the other's for maybe the first time since the concert ended, and he grit his teeth. Onyx eyes bored into his, but Aoi shut up before he made things worse for the both of them.
"Yeah. I get it. Aoi has moods all the fucking time," Ruki spat in response. "What are we even doing here? We're bathing together. We live together. We share everything. And you're not telling me anything lately. What the fuck, Aoi?" He resisted the urge to call him by his real name, which Ruki honestly preferred when they were alone. He took a shaking breath, that painful lump in his throat threatening to explode. His eyes started to burn, tears welling up that he refused to let fall.
Aoi could sense that Ruki was close to breaking point, and he turned away. "We're together. As together as we can be. What do you expect?" His words were bitter and left him as barely more than a breath.
"We spend enough time alone for you to at least tell me what's in your heart." In the end, Aoi meant more to him than anything. The only thing that could stand level with him was his dream-- the band itself. The reason he was alive. That was it. The breaking point. Ruki's voice cracked and the tears overflowed. His eyes slid shut, and he desperately hoped that the moisture from the bath would disguise it despite the shaking of his shoulders.
Aoi couldn't handle that kind of thing. Frowning, he snaked an arm around Ruki's slight shoulders and pulled the smaller man to his chest. Ruki had been losing a lot of weight recently, and it was obvious to Aoi as he held him now. Ruki melted the second Aoi touched him. Despite all of the rage that Aoi could hold, all of the temper tantrums he'd had, never once had he raised a hand against him. Even with this kind of anger hanging in the room, there was nothing but warmth when he melted into the guitarist's touch and closed his eyes against the feeling of calloused fingers on his skin.
"Takanori," Aoi said softly, speaking in that same almost-sigh. "I'm sorry, alright? It won't happen again. I just don't want to trouble you. We all have the same problems. I'm not handling them very well. Okay?"
"I'm not even fucking mad at you for that anymore. Fuck you. Why won't you tell me what you're thinking? God damn it... Can't I do anything?" He cried quietly into Aoi's chest, no longer caring that he was doing so and just grateful to be in his arms.
"No," Aoi said simply, a grim, sad smile spreading across his lips. "You really want to know what's bothering me?"
He sighed, resting his chin in Ruki's soaking-wet hair and tightening his grip on him. The very tips of the fingers on his right hand played with the dripping ends of a lock of darkened hair. He finally spoke a moment later.
"I'm still upset about Isshi. I'm stressed about the tour. I'm pissed off at the American idiots pulling stupid shit on the internet. I'm trying to keep Mao and Hitsugi at arm's length while not pushing them away too hard. Past that, I want to be able to be with you and hold you at night without the fear that a flash at my window will end our careers and ruin our reputations. Okay? That, and..." He scowled, cheeks darkening, and looked away. He mumbled: "I really fucking want a cigarette."
"I know you want to quit. Hell, I would if I could but..." The rest of it was just echoing in his head over and over. He felt all of those same pangs. What had done it though? What had pushed him over the edge?
"In the end... In the end why? What made you lose it, Yuu?" In his mind, he tried to catalog the events of the night, mind lingering on the fan service and the movements he'd made, the times he'd glanced at each member.
Aoi's thumb moved in gentle circles against Ruki's shoulder blade. In his mind was the way Ruki had moved against Uruha, hips thrusting suggestively while Uruha laughed and tried to concentrate on his riff in "Remember the Urge." He pressed his lips together, his face screwed up in concentration, as he tried to purge the unwanted images from his mind.
"Equipment difficulties," he muttered at last, but that wasn't the full truth and they both knew it.
"Aoi, you..." Ruki knew what he meant. He did. It was like ice in his heart, and there wasn't much that he could do to fight it even in the heat. "God damn it. Fuck everything." The words were spoken darkly. Ruki buried his face in the guitarist's chest, everything deathly silent for a few seconds before the explosion came.
"I would never fucking let him touch me like you touch me! He looks at me… fuck, looks at us both. I've known him for a long time but do you see me moving in with his lazy ass? FUCK, Aoi, what the hell?"
"Stop making me out to be a completely unreasonable, jealous asshole," Aoi scolded sharply, pulling back to look at the vocalist. "Ruki, I perform with him, too. It's not that we're teasing the crowd that drives me crazy."
"What is it then?" There was no denying what had passed between them. That was one of those sore spots Ruki knew to be careful of. "I know it's hard, but please tell me. Please." He took a shaking breath, trying to stymie his tears. "I need to know. Don't hide yourself from me. I don't think you're an unreasonable jealous asshole. I didn't say that. Any normal guy would be at least a little bothered by seeing the man he loves do that sort of thing with someone else I just. Fuck it, that's not the point." He shook his head a little, but didn't lift it from where he was resting.
Aoi stared at Ruki for a few long moments in silence, his expression unreadable and something bizarre flickering in his gaze. Then he spoke, suddenly forceful.
"What the fuck makes it okay to touch Uruha's thighs or grope my ass onstage, but not okay to kiss a man behind closed doors?"
Tears were prickling at Aoi's eyes now, too, but he blinked them away. Ruki was already a wreck, and Aoi had cried enough tonight. He needed to be strong, now, for Ruki...as Ruki had done for him.
But the words were doing damage to them both, and Aoi could see that very clearly.
"It's okay because it's not real," Ruki said through grit teeth. "I don't know what you want from me, most of the time, Aoi. Am I just comfortable? Or is it more than that?" It was more than that for him. It was almost everything to Ruki, and sometimes he hated that fact.
Their lifestyle made it hard to do anything but dart around in the shadows. There was no way that anyone could see them. It didn't matter what happened really. They'd done something that no other band had managed to do, and their fanbase was their pride and joy. What was he supposed to do? What could he?
Aoi didn't say anything and pulled Ruki close again, resting his chin on the top of Ruki's head. Distressed, his eyes wide and focused on nothing at all, he threaded his now shaking fingers through the vocalist's wet hair.
Ruki’s voice was insistent but no longer angry. "Answer me." Ruki tightened his hand on Aoi's arm, and was starting to feel a little cold with his shoulders exposed. He pressed closer to the guitarist and waited. Half of him didn't expect an answer, and he didn't want to admit how much his pride and his fragile trust was hurting.
"Why do you think I threw my guitar?" Aoi finally said, in a tone that was suddenly helpless. There was no other explanation, and there was nothing Aoi expected anyone to be able to do about it. The fact was, while he loved what they did almost more than any of the others, the lifestyle drove him insane. He wanted to be human to his fans, and that had been what he'd done on Twitter. He'd wanted to be the member that was not untouchable, the one that could be reached by the people who couldn't afford membership to Heresy or the ones unlucky enough to not live in glorious Japan.
Part of him, the part that Ruki now called "Yuu" when they were alone together, hated the lifestyle that required them to sneak around in the shadows. But there was no middle ground between the two lives. To be this kind of artist and let all of those people who adored Aoi and who Aoi adored hear their music meant they had to give up part of their humanity. Aoi was starting to break under this pressure, as so many men before him had.
During all of this musing, his grip on Ruki grew ever-tighter, as his mind subconsciously tried to re-work the vocalist into the equation.
"Fuck this, Aoi. Yuu. Nobody's fucking here. Why are we even thinking about this now? If you want, we walk through that door and take off everything that makes us have to lie." Ruki lifted his head, pushing himself up so he could see eye to eye with the guitarist. "Home. Our home, like you said. Like fucking hell anyone outside of one of the other members is going to ever see us here when we don't invite them."
It suddenly didn't seem that complicated. It was as simple as living a double life, but living it fully. At home they would be Takanori and Yuu. Everywhere else, they had to be Ruki and Aoi. Was it really that difficult? Not for Ruki.
But it was for Aoi. The double life enraged him in ways that the music industry enraged Ruki. He didn't think it was necessary, but there was nothing that could be done about it. His eyes burned, and so he tore them away from Ruki's prying gaze. He'd explained it as best he could. It wasn't his fault if Ruki didn't understand.
Ruki didn't understand what he'd done wrong, and the way Aoi recoiled made him feel like a dog whose master was scolding him. In much the same way an animal might, Ruki's hands moved to the older man's chest, gently touching his delicate collar bone, almost pawing at him.
"What do you want? Just tell me. I can't stand to see you like this anymore, it's killing me."
"I don't know, Ruki. I don't know."
All Aoi could think to do was hold him tighter. For a fleeting moment, he considered the possibility that maybe he wanted Ruki to hold him right now, but this was so beyond their personal tradition that he immediately disregarded the very idea.
"I told you. A lot of things have been piling up. Even stupid little things that make no sense. Okay?"
"Okay." Ruki lowered his head again, unsure of what to do. For now, he just let Aoi hold him and soak in the warm water. He could hear Koron on the other side of the door, shuffling about and waiting for his masters.
After several long moments in silence, he shifted again, looking at Aoi with a heavy heart.
"I'm getting out, okay? Come to bed with me."
"Of course."
They drained and dried in silence, cleaning up after themselves quickly before making their way into the bedroom. Aoi immediately went for one of his over-large t-shirts. It was too hot for the jersey pants tonight, and he slipped into the shirt with no words for Ruki. Perhaps he was waiting for the younger man to speak first. It wasn't clear. Ruki wasn't sure if he wanted to speak anymore. He was running out of ideas, and things were starting to feel more and more hopeless as he let his mind run. There wasn't anything he could do, and he knew that it was a dangerous road to be on. It wasn't that different from the pit of misery he'd sunken into around the time his parents had disowned him. Even then, it had been Aoi who'd opened his arms and his home to him.
He just slipped into a pair of soft sweatpants and a loose shirt, and then settled into their bed. Flat on his back for the moment, he stared up at the ceiling where his eyes reflected the dim light from the hallway. He heard Koron wander in, probably to curl up in his bed. Sparks danced in front of Aoi's eyes as he went to lie down beside Ruki. Stage lights blinded you for hours.
"Good night," he said quietly, and if Ruki didn't want to sleep yet, he knew the vocalist would be sure to tell him. He felt Koron at his feet, curling up against his ankle. The warmth was comforting.
Ruki’s own anger was starting to be uncontrollable. It was difficult to do anything but sink into that dank, ugly place that his mind always went to, the place ruled by his jealous tendencies and his fickle personality.
"I don't know what the fuck to do anymore," he said quietly, eyes still wide open. He was warm now, the slight chill from outside having worn off with the bath. It had become physical pain. That lump in his throat hadn't alleviated itself with his first barrage of tears. "I don't want to think anymore. I can't fucking stand it."
Aoi didn't turn to face him. He always slept facing the edge of the bed, and turning would have been too noticeable.
"What do you want to do?" he asked, staring at the wall.
"I don't know." Ruki’s voice was strangled, and his mind just wouldn't stop. "I want it to stop. I don't want to think anymore. It's fucking strangling me." What else could he say? Ruki felt like he couldn't move, couldn't do anything.
"Ruki, you're thinking too hard," Aoi said. He tried to make his voice soothing. "I'm sorry. I really am. I'll try to make sure it won't happen again.”
"It's not that. I'm used to your temper tantrums. It's everything else. Fuck you. I'm sick of this tug of war." He turned away, burying his face in the pillow. Ruki liked to sleep on his side or his stomach, but even that wasn't bringing him any comfort. When he spoke again, it was sudden. "I don't want to feel anything else. Let me feel you instead."
Aoi sat up and looked down at the small form next to him, surprised to hear such a thing. Ruki was demanding, and he was a masochist, but he rarely asked for sex in such a way. Aoi placed a warm hand on the other man's shoulder.
"Is it that bad?" he murmured. "You call it a tug of war?"
"You said it yourself. Why can't I kiss you behind closed doors but on stage I can fuck around like it's nothing..." He sucked in a sharp breath and tried to continue. "Fuck it I don't want to talk anymore." And with that, he levered himself over and pressed close to the guitarist, gentle hands grasping into damp platinum strands before he pressed their lips together.
Aoi had been about to respond. It was Ruki that had explained, and he explained it frequently, though they both knew why already.
It was usually him to initiate kisses. The fact that Ruki kissed him first was enough to stun him into a silence and make him tense up. That moment passed quickly, and the guitarist was wrapping his arms around Ruki soon afterwards. Ruki parted his lips and deepened the kiss, his tongue pressing against Aoi's mouth in a rare show of initiative. Those full lips touching his alone were enough to send electricity down his spine. He pushed his hands back through long platinum strands, enjoying the feeling of the other man's still damp hair between his fingers.
Ruki only broke the kiss when he was desperate for breath, and a shudder sent goosebumps over his entire body. Panting, his stare bore into Aoi's gaze.
"Fuck me."
That was a little more like him. Aoi brought their lips together again, this time dominating, his tongue roaming Ruki's mouth and his long fingers tangling into Ruki's hair. He pressed Ruki down into the mattress gently. His free hand roamed low at first, catching under the hem of Ruki's shirt and then trailing up. Deft but calloused fingertips stroked soft skin that few but him ever got to see.
That thought always thrilled him.
Soft noises were muffled by the press of the older man's mouth against Ruki’s. He arched into the touch of those scarred fingers, grateful for the way his mind wiped to white. Trembling, Ruki reached up and curled delicate fingers in the loose hanging fabric of Aoi's T-shirt. Slowly, the vocalist was already raising one leg, leaning up into the other man's weight on him.
The tip of Aoi's tongue ran gently along the side of Ruki's, fingers carelessly abusing the skin on Ruki's chest and playing with those sensitive spots that always made the vocalist buck his hips into Aoi's. The guitarist sighed softly against Ruki's mouth, tiring quickly of the foreplay but not yet separating their mouths. His hand slipped lower, away from Ruki's chest and beneath the band of those sweatpants.
Sounds were what Ruki specialized in, and he knew it. Soft moans and muffled snarls were what left him now. Aoi's lips were the sexiest thing in the world to him, and he reveled in the feeling of them flush against his own. The pain in his mind and heart dispersed almost at once, and the only thing in his head was the guitarist.
"Aoi..." The sound of the guitarist's name on his lips was almost as erotic to him as it surely was to the man himself. As soon as he felt those calloused fingers brush the soft skin of his hips, he bucked up into the touch, expectant. "I wanna fuck all night. I want you to ram into me until we can't even get it up anymore."
"Done," Aoi growled, lips moving instead to Ruki's collarbone. He sucked in short bursts, nibbled only very lightly, and was careful to leave no marks. The thumb of the hand tangled in Ruki's hair rubbed circles against Ruki's temple. His other hand found the hardening flesh between Ruki's legs, and he delivered a hard stroke right away.
"This is your solution to everything," he mused, his lips still pressed to Ruki's throat with every word.
"Fucking works, doesn't it?" Ruki hissed. It did. There wasn't anything he could do about it. This kind of violent, desperate purge was the only thing that he could do in order to settle himself. Lust-darkened eyes unfocused, pupils dilated. Ruki was almost instantly squirming, moving his hips to try and dislodge himself from the shirt and sweatpants as soon as possible.
"We should have just fucked in the bathroom. Should have fucked before the encore." There was a breathy, almost insane lilt to his tone. He arched up to get rid of his shirt.
"I considered it," Aoi said, fingers hooking into the waistband and freeing Ruki from the terrible trap that was the pair of sweatpants he'd only just put on.
"Ahh… Ngh, Aoi, I can't wait to feel your cock inside of me, you sick bastard."
Aoi replied with a low chuckle. His hand immediately found Ruki's cock again, and he went right back to pleasuring him. He lifted his head just long enough to gaze at Ruki. The sight of those passionate eyes so dark and emotional made Aoi moan aloud softly, and he kissed him again as his hand moved to the bedside table to grasp for the small bottle of unscented lubrication in the drawer.
Sometimes, he wondered if Ruki really needed it.
The way they fucked, it was surprising that Ruki still felt tight at all. He moved shamelessly, bucking violently into Aoi's hand. He knew the drill. He knew not to bother holding back or trying to hold out. If he was going to come too soon, Aoi would just force him to come again.
"Your hands feel so fucking good," Ruki hissed.
Ruki moved his own hands from the guitarist's hair, scraping his nails against his flawless shoulders hard enough to cause welts. Aoi's body spasmed and shuddered beneath Ruki's fingernails. Another moan left him, unbridled and shameless, and he began to prepare Ruki quickly, starting with two fingers.
A sharp, keening sound that was a mix between a whimper and a cry left Ruki the moment that Aoi's fingers pressed inside of him. Ruki's hips bucked violently, a complete reckless abandon that made him dig his nails in even deeper. The vocalist leaned up and nipped violently at the older man's throat and ear. He wasn't going to be able to hold out like this, and he could feel the guitarist's skilled fingers brushing that spot inside of him that made him tremble. With how frequently they did this, now, there was no need to be too patient. The key was to be just patient enough to ensure that the damage was not obvious the next morning.
Aoi wondered, amused, what the fans would think if they saw Ruki limp onto the stage, the stripes on his neck barely enough to cover the damage done to it. The thought made him shiver again as he pressed a third finger into Ruki. His other hand continued to pump Ruki hard, and onyx eyes dared Ruki to come before Aoi could even enter him.
"Fuck, I--” Ruki gasped. “I'm going to..." His breath caught violently in his throat as he reached his first orgasm. Ruki's release splattered the guitarist's hand and chest as he shuddered and fell back against the pillow.
If Ruki's nails hadn't been blocked from direct contact with Aoi's flesh by the thin fabric of his shirt, they would have drawn blood. Aoi's entire body arched at the pain, and the sensations shot straight to his untouched erection. He finally withdrew his fingers from within Ruki, and entered him fully with no other warning or preparation. The result was like electricity, and he didn't wait for Ruki to adjust because goddamn it the little bitch didn't NEED to.
The vocalist's entire body jolted violently at the intrusion, but he was slicked up enough for it not to really hurt. A hoarse cry that was almost a shriek left his lips, and he instinctively curled his legs around the guitarist's hips in order to give him better access. Despite the strain it caused on his back, Ruki angled them upwards to make thrusting easier for the both of them. His entire body warred against him. He was barely half-hard at that point, but the older man's movements would have him so hard it hurt in a matter of moments.
Sometimes it felt like sex between them was more about the pain than the actual pleasure. Through the years, pleasure had become synonymous with the electric pain that nails and teeth and sometimes even blades caused. There were white scars on his chest and back, and they were completely there of his own volition.
"Fuck!" Ruki forced the word out from between gritted teeth, the thin sheen of sweat breaking out on his forehead glistening in dim light. With each thrust, Ruki rocked his hips up to meet Aoi's movements. "Tell me how I feel."
"Deceptively tight," Aoi snarled, letting go of Ruki just long enough to strip himself of his shirt. When his hands were free again, one found Ruki's throat, where the make-up lines were still very vaguely visible. The other hand moved down to Ruki's cock again, ready to forcibly make it hard again. "You shouldn't be, you know. Not anymore."
Ruki let out a short peal of laughter. "I know. I know I shouldn't be."
Aoi’s grip on Ruki's throat tightened, not hard enough, never hard enough, to completely cut off the airflow. His lips descended upon Ruki's right ear, teeth tugging very cautiously at the rings and nipping less carefully at the thin skin there. His hips snapped harder against Ruki, and he knew he was hitting that spot a little too hard simply by the way the vocalist's muscles tightened around his cock.
And then Ruki really felt that hand on his throat, tightening slowly. The constriction was a wonderful feeling, and he gasped for air sharply between his moans. It was slow torture like this, almost painful as Aoi pounded into him. The hand on his cock was almost too much. There was so much stimulation that he couldn't focus on anything at once. Ruki's eyelashes fluttered, and he desperately tried to suck in more air despite the spikes of pleasure that the deprivation of oxygen sent straight to his now hard cock.
It was only after a few more almost violent thrusts that Aoi released Ruki's throat and gripped his hair again instead. He yanked it to force Ruki's head back, and ran his tongue up the delicate bumps along the center of his neck. He leaned back on his ankles for a better angle, and took on a different pace, his thrusts now slower and harder.
The noises leaving Ruki were uncontrolled. Everything had numbed out to that pain and pleasure washing through his entire body. Every movement that Aoi made caused the over-sensitized vocalist to spasm and cry out. His voice was nothing but high pitched cries and low growls, hands fisted in the blankets beneath him in order to meet those now languid thrusts.
"Fuck this rhythm," he breathed, head pressed back into the pillow. Every muscle was taught, everything trembling and straining against the pleasure and the pain making him weak. "Aoi. Aoi, fuck you, this is torture."
"I know," Aoi said, his voice sweet and kind and everything this slow, determined pace was not. He let a low moan escape him, and felt it in his throat long after the sound was made. He quickened his pace again, but only slightly. His short nails raked down Ruki's back, leaving white hot lines in their wake but unable to break the skin.
Ruki was tightening around him. Delicious sensations tore through Aoi's body, but he restrained himself. He would not come until Ruki was on the very edge, and that might be awhile, yet.
"Oh god, oh fuck god damn it… Aoi!" Ruki’s cries got louder then, if that was at all possible. Fingers tightened in the blanket until his knuckles were white. It wasn't any more than he was used to dealing with. He had taken Aoi inside of him when Aoi had been in a rage, taken all of his burning emotions into his body. This was nothing like that.
Slowly, slowly, his orgasm was building. Aoi was sliding in and out at that slowly increasing pace in a way that was maddening for the both of them. His legs tightened, forcing the guitarist to push in deeper.
"You're so fucking big. I can't even--" The vocalist's attempt at more dirty talk was squelched by another low moan, the sound of skin on skin and Aoi’s short, harsh breaths drowning nearly everything else out. Leaning his head back again, one of his hands freed itself from the blankets and came up to run delicate fingers against his own chest.
A moment later, Aoi pressed Ruki down again firmly with his body. One hand rested against Ruki's leg and lifted it, encouraging the other to wrap his legs around him more securely. From this angle, Aoi was able to lower his head and nuzzle Ruki's fingers away from his chest, and his lips and tongue took over the job that Ruki's fingers had just been relieved of.
Aoi's entire body trembled with each thrust now. The adrenaline did nothing for his raw exhaustion, and he found himself having difficulty holding on. He ached to come, but this thrilled him, and he quickened his pace again in his desperation to drive Ruki over the edge. One hand settled between them, and his thumb smeared pre-ejaculate over the head of Ruki's cock as he began to pump him again, mercilessly.
A string of unintelligible curses poured from Ruki's mouth, and he was at that point of no return where everything was blank save for Aoi. Aoi, Aoi-
"Aoi! Aoi! God fuck Aoi please just fuck me!" It was all garbled mush now, and he felt his orgasm approaching unexpectedly. "I can't. I can't." His pleas were desperate as he tangled his fingers in platinum and black.
"Ruki..."
The whisper barely made it past Aoi's lips. He was a silent fucker, and he rarely made any sound other than a low chuckle, a soft hiss, a quiet moan. To manage any coherent words was not very common, and for that word to consist of Ruki's name - either name - was even more rare.
Aoi was relentless and harsh with his movements, and his fingers, so used to sliding up and down the neck of his guitar, were just as persistent on Ruki's hard cock. He wanted to come, but he wouldn't say anything. He knew, by the wild look in Ruki's eyes and the way his insides tightened and the way his words all blended together in his throat before they were spoken, that Ruki was just as close as he was. He held out.
Ruki shifted their angle ever so slightly by pushing himself up and latching onto the guitarist's bare shoulders. He dug crescents into Aoi's shoulders with his nails, hips pivoting and grinding against the other man's cock. He didn't want it to end, but there was no stopping it.
The vocalist threw his head back as he felt all of that tension in his body winding tight to the breaking point. In his last moments, Ruki cried out a name that was something close to a strangled, "Yuu!"
And he came with a desperate snarl, riding out his orgasm with Aoi's cock inside of him. Ruki was so tight in that moment that Aoi found himself held back, unable to come. He made a sound similar to Ruki's, and kept moving against him, closing his eyes to mask how they rolled back from the insane mix of pain and pleasure. The feeling of Ruki's nails in his skin was a fantastic addition to the pleasure gripping his body, and after Ruki's finally started to die down and he loosened again, Aoi hit his own climax.
He buried his face in the side of Ruki's neck, hips jerking, and let out a muffled hiss that may have been Ruki’s real name.
When they'd both finished coming, Aoi collapsed against Ruki, not even yet pulling out. The smaller man was panting so desperately that his throat felt like it was on fire. Ruki trembled and tried not to think about how much he loved the slick feeling of Aoi's cock inside of him like that; at rest and filling him up even as he could feel him going soft after release. The vocalist released his death grip on the older man's shoulders and slowly moved to combing his fingers through the two-toned hair. He leaned down to press soft kisses to the top of his head.
Aoi usually held Ruki. Now, as he moved his hips downward to pull out of the warmth that was his beloved vocalist, he mused silently on how nice it felt to have Ruki's arms folded so tightly around him. His own arms came up to wrap around Ruki, and he rested his head against Ruki's pale chest with no complaints.
"Ruki," he murmured, unable to say anything else. His lashes tickled Ruki's chest as he closed his eyes.
"I don't know what to say," Ruki breathed hoarsely. "But I don't give a fuck about what anybody else thinks, Aoi." In the end, Ruki didn't know what it was that they had even fought over. He still didn't understand exactly what it was that had caused the guitarist to throw his instrument. Only that it was "a lot of little things." Closing his eyes, Ruki felt his heart sink despite the endorphins lighting up his nervous system. "I don't know what to do either, though."
"Don't worry about it," Aoi breathed against Ruki's skin. Really, it was a lot of little things and one big thing. That big thing was simple enough for him to admit, but it was hard for him to understand why it was such a big deal. "I love you."
Ruki’s eyes snapped open. It felt like a cold breeze on his face despite everything, and Ruki almost laughed out loud when he noticed Koron's wide, shiny eyes staring at them from the farthest corner of the end of the bed. The poor thing looked mystified. Was he uncomfortable? Was he completely insane? Had Aoi really just said that?
In love?
"You know I'm fickle, right? You know that this is. This is. You're. YOU are fucking insane. Right? Good." It took him several shaking breaths to manage the next part, all in one moment: "I love you too."
"I know you do." Aoi opened his eyes again, barely managing not to laugh, himself. "You let it slip earlier."
"I. I did?" He spluttered and lifted his head. Ruki looked down at the taller man where he was resting on his chest and blinked. "What? When did I say anything like that? You're full of crap." Only, it was totally possible that he had, knowing him. The vocalist was completely thrown off by it. Aoi scoffed playfully, the effect muted by how obviously tired he was.
"Go to sleep, Ruki," came the muffled response. He was already barely conscious. The weight of today had come crashing down on him. What he'd done. What he was doing. What was yet to come, and what had caused it all to begin with. Ruki sighed and rested his cheek against the top of the guitarist's head, his face screwed up a bit. He was tired and beyond exhausted, but the question remained.
"When did I say it? W-what did I say? Aoi tell me." There was a sleepy whine in his voice, but Ruki didn't seem to care.
Aoi lifted his head a bit and rested it against Ruki's shoulder again, leaving his lips pressed to the hollow curve where the vocalist's shoulder merged with his neck. "Bathroom," he whispered.
"Bathroom..." Ruki repeated trailing off. He replayed the events in his mind the best he could and jolted when he realized that he had in fact, implied that he was in love with Aoi. The man he loves... "Holy shit." His heart pounded violently at the sudden realization. "You're serious. I really did, didn't I?" And he laughed, chin bouncing lightly against the older man's head.
Aoi loved that nervous laugh.
"You did. Can we sleep now?" There was a pout in his voice, but he was smiling. Ruki could tell.
"Fine."
It felt better, lighter. Like something had lifted. Ruki held him tighter for several long moments before losing his grip and gently shuffling over onto his side so he could be more comfortable. He didn't let go of that man he loved, and didn't mind being naked and tangled up in him. Aoi chuckled quietly, not saying a word. There was nothing left to say. They were both exhausted, but more than anything, when they were wrapped around each other like this?
They felt safe. They felt like things would be okay. And maybe they would be.

vortexofbeats @ 2011-10-07T21:52:00

2011-10-08T02:52:56Z

We're pretty much settled on the theme for our wedding. It's going to be Shin makoku from Kyo Kara maoh.

I'm so glad that we're able to be married in my home state.

vortexofbeats @ 2011-10-06T23:56:00

2011-10-07T04:56:30Z

I miss this hair. It's not my favorite style, but I like the color.

Before style and makeup:

After style and makeup:

Official Re:MIND photoshoot:

Most recent photoshoot! I pay homage to RUKI.

vortexofbeats @ 2011-09-28T12:27:00

2011-09-28T17:27:37Z

Living situation is er...Situated. Playing Lestat again for shiggles. I haven't slept in 24 hours, and I can barely English let alone French. I am probably saying retarded shit and not even catching it. Ffff. I need sleep so bad

But that can't happen until we finish packing and loading stuff up. All of that fun crap. Wish me luck.

Welp

2011-09-27T05:51:18Z

This sucks, but I'm almost hyper-charged rather than scared. I know the streets of Des Moines, and I can survive there. We'll be back on our feet before too long, even if we're starving a little. I know how to be hungry, too.

We'll have just enough money to get us there, and just enough time to get the first possible jobs we can get our hands on.

It's going to be insane, and we're going to be living out of our car like a certain band in their early days, but that's fine with me.

We've got the strength. We can do this.

A/ACE/Anonymous Confederate Ensemble

2011-09-26T05:13:27Z

Alright! So I've tackled the first of several new bands I want to give a listen. I did some research, and this band has at least three different names that their fans use. To make things easy, I'm going to try to stick with ACE.

To start with, their style is fascinating and unique. They're Visual Kei pirates. Their sound carries these wonderful high-arching organs as well as driven guitar riffs. If I had to compare their sound to anyone else's, I'd be hard pressed to-- save for the fact that I'm a big fan of Fest Vainqueur. The vocalist, Nimo has a similar sound to Hal's, but his stage presence is a bit more robust. I would also compare them to Versailles for some of the same reasons.

Their song God Child is the one that really hooked me. It's got a great catchy hook, and the vocals layer perfectly over the guitar's heavy riff.

I'd definitely recommend them to people who already know a little bit about Visual Kei already. It might be a little bit difficult for people to "get" if they're new to the genre.

vortexofbeats @ 2011-09-08T07:06:00

2011-09-08T12:06:36Z

In the next few days, I'll be reviewing a few bands that I've never listened to. Among them are: Vior Gloire, Anonymous Confederate Ensemble, Unite, and EAT YOU ALIVE. I'll post the results here.

vortexofbeats @ 2011-08-30T18:57:00

2011-08-30T23:56:58Z

There will be no more lies to spare your precious feelings. The truth sets the strong free, and destroys the weak. This is natural selection at its finest.

vortexofbeats @ 2011-08-30T15:50:00

2011-08-30T20:50:04Z

Every friendship I've ever had has ended in horrible crash-and-burn failure. there are only a couple of exceptions to that, and I find it to be an interesting situation overall. In the end, I wonder if it's because of my own personality or because the people around me have never been able to handle my strategy of burning bright. Hm. Some people can't burn brightly, they don't have the fuel necessary.

vortexofbeats @ 2011-08-20T17:10:00

2011-08-20T22:09:50Z

I really never have anything interesting to report on. I have plenty of philosophical this and thats, but even that is only interesting to so many people. Nooot like anyone reads this anyway... haaaa.

Pffff. I don't know. O.o; There's a lot of stuff going on. Moving and all that. Hopefully I'll get to go back to my hometown soon. I miss it more than I'd like to admit. Hmmm.

Oh. And beans. Coffee beans. I've been thinking about getting into that business again. Soon. I loved being a barista more than anything. Mm.

vortexofbeats @ 2011-08-19T18:50:00

2011-08-19T23:50:00Z

I write like
Anne Rice

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

The bit I analyzed was from this. It's full of spoilers for the end of the story but... I'm happy with the over all tone. Being able to flesh it out later will be nice.

http://miseratti.insanejournal.com/452.html

Writer's Block: Band on the run

2011-06-18T23:01:54Z

The Long and Winding Road. Because I feel like every life has ele|\/|ents of that song in it.

Writer's Block: Born this way

2011-06-02T20:10:17Z

Dog and lion. A lot of the people I know say that I have a puppy like personality, word for word. But I think of myself as having the heart and soul of a lion.

This time of year...

2011-06-02T20:06:38Z

It always gets me. I'm in the foulest of moods all the time. It's just. The more people remind me that I'm turning 22, and that my birthday's in three days, the more I am reminded of things that I miss.

I stopped looking forward to my birthday after my 16th. Ben was there. Jake wasn't. On top of it being an altogether shitty day, and ending up in tears over something I can't quite place, I realized that Jake wasn't there. And never would be again.

I still feel so embittered.

I find myself jokingly using the phrase: "I hate everything!" as a response to bad luck, or any silly turn of chance that falls contrary to my favor. Lately, I've been wondering how often I actually mean it.

Now, when I think of my birthday I just think of it being another year that Jake isn't here. And it should be obvious, right? I'm not even sure how to word what's going on in my head despite it being a constant since I was fifteen.

I know that it's happening. I know what a problem it is to my personal psyche. I'm good at targeting my weaknesses and eliminating them. I know that I can do that, it's just strange to me how deeply I'm struggling with this one.

I'll overcome it.