I wrote the story Block for my school’s literary journal back in 2020. At the time when I submitted this, I had no confidence with my writing. Growing up with ADHD killed every bit of academic self esteem I had, and writing was my biggest fear. Every poem & story I ever wrote was HIDDEN where it could never be found. I think I would rather have leaked my own nudes than share my writing. But like all college students, I was forced to take a few English classes and confront that fear.

The first writing class (of course) required me to write several essays. Each assignment made me panic. Like, PANIC. But my grades consistently came back way better than I expected. I was shocked. I sincerely thought I sucked at writing. How was this possible?

At the end of the semester, my professor emailed me to ask if she could use one of my essays as an example to teach with! (She doesn’t know this, but I cried lol.) Of course I said yes. Then, she threw me the curveball: She suggested I submit something to the school’s annual literary journal, a contest which she directed.

I didn’t think I'd do it. I didn’t have the confidence to submit anything. But as the deadline approached my curiosity got the best of me and I decided to try. The contest wasn’t exclusive to students, it was open to community members as well. You could submit up to five works, I only sent one. I did not expect to get published.

WELL. Not only did I get published, I won 2nd place in the short story category. This piece (along with my professor’s encouragement) gave me the confidence to start sharing my work, so I owe this story a lot. The funny thing is, I wrote it about the writer’s block I had while trying to come up with something to submit. Imagine? My journey of sharing my writing began with writer’s block.

We’re never truly blocked. Sometimes we just need to slow down.

(The drawing is mine as well 🥰)

Block

Exhausted, the woman walked through the door into her silent house feeling discouraged from a long day which had left a stale taste in her mouth. The relief that she should have felt walking through the door was negated by apathy. She tried to see past the swarm of pessimistic thoughts, but they poured into her space like rats, sabotaging her every attempt to unwind; gnawing at her ankles and lurking in the corners, awaiting her acknowledgement. Frustrated, she rubbed the corners of her jaw trying to relax her tensed facial muscles. With stiff and heavy movements, she lumbered into the hallway, grabbed her towel off of the railing, and stomped up the stairs; her whole weight crashing down onto each step along the way.

It seemed unreasonable how much more exhausted she felt after climbing those 12 steps. She couldn’t turn the shower on fast enough once she reached the bathroom. With urgency, she unpacked herself from the tight and abrasive confines of her clothing. Itching irritations peppered her skin beneath the wires and straps of her bra, and her waist was tattooed with a red ring where her dress pants had pinched her sides and belly. She stretched and cracked her toes as she kicked her pumps aside.

Peeling off her glasses, which had nearly adhered themselves to the bridge of her nose, she carefully tucked her neatly styled hair into an uncomfortable plastic shower cap, anxiously waiting for the shower’s steam to fill the bathroom; finding comfort in imagining it hanging like fog around her nude body.

As she pulled the shower curtain closed, she exhaled deeply with relief, feeling safe and warm in her one and only sanctuary. In there, her phone wasn’t ringing, she wasn’t thinking about the mess that needed to be cleaned up, or the bills that needed to be paid, and she didn’t need to attend to anyone but herself. Stepping into that hot shower was like turning the clock to 2 am; in the silence she was momentarily freed from the challenges of life. Maybe without distraction, that perfect idea would finally come to her. Eventually, she would need to come up with something.

She sat down, cross legged and allowed the water to fall onto her; it was so scalding hot that it turned her skin pink. The countless small hot droplets collided forcefully with the surface of her skin and rolled gently off, massaging away the tension and hardness dwelling within her body and slowly returning her to her soft and gentle nature. She reached for her jar of solid coconut oil and closed her hands around it, waiting patiently for it to melt and become liquid while she strained to form a productive train of thought. She searched her mind, reviewing every moment of her week, and when that wasn’t enough she journeyed back through her memories as far as she could go. The water cascaded down her face as she sat with her shoulders hunched over her knees.

Her eyes were softly fixed upon the shower curtain as she blinked away water droplets which bounced off the lid of the jar she held and sprayed her face. The jar of oil slid out of her grasp to rest against her thighs while her hands drifted away to find her face.

She covered her eyes and pressed her eyelids gently with her fingers as she flipped through possible ideas like selecting a song from a jukebox, trying to draw inspiration from anything at all, grasping at strings until a sigh of defeat escaped her mouth. Her ears now felt the spray of the water; it was an annoying sensation.

She lifted her hands away from her eyes and pulled the shower cap over her ears to cover them. As she dipped her head into the center of the shower stream the sound of the water beating down onto the plastic cap upon her head seemed terribly dramatic. It sounded like a dreadful rainstorm unleashing its wrath onto a tin roof. That treacherous sound soothed her; she loved it. She was sure now that all she needed was the warmth, the water, and that sweet percussion; loud and robust, but gentle and rhythmic.

She closed her eyes clinging to that moment of peace between the two warring sides of herself. Like the first few raindrops hitting the soil after weeks of drought, optimism and motivation blessed her tired mind. Finally feeling at ease, her eyebrows and forehead softened, and she was surprised as her mouth curved into a slight smile. Then all at once it struck her, as inspiration does, suddenly and abruptly. Just the candlelight of a thought to set off an awe inducing display of fireworks within her.

Her bits and pieces of thoughts were no longer like caged animals in a zoo, but instead coexisted harmoniously like creatures of a thriving ecosystem. Excitement buzzed within her body and mind.

In an instant the tables had turned. Her apathy became hope, her doubt turned to confidence, and her bitterness was transformed into gratitude. And there, naked on the tiled floor of that shower, sat a powerful woman.

As always, thank you so much for reading.

- Em 🖤