"She did what?!"

voidcoupon @ 2007-04-19T07:21:00

2007-04-19T11:23:21Z

I can no longer be friends with Jathan.

I thought he was cool. I thought he was kidding when he complimented me or said things like this:

aythanja ownzay (8:14:49 PM): I mean, would you cheat on connor with me, if it meant constant praise and attention?

But then I started to think that maybe he was serious..

amply automaticc (9:00:30 PM): blah i don't have a cute face. everyone else is so much prettier.

aythanja ownzay (9:01:59 PM): not true

amply automaticc (9:01:44 PM): i think so..

aythanja ownzay (9:03:12 PM): i dont, otherwise, why would i ask you to cheat on connor with me when i know you love him

And it turns out...he was.

aythanja ownzay (9:05:26 PM): just do me the favor of thinking about it?

amply automaticc (9:04:49 PM): i'm really not sure what you want me to think about.

aythanja ownzay (9:06:01 PM): me with you. just consider it for a few minutes, honest thinking.

So today's the day that I set everything right.

I wrote him a mean note.

His brother's going to get it to him,

and I'm ex-communicating Jathan.

I love Connor. I don't want anyone on the side.

And no one deserves to be cheated on.

Ever.

voidcoupon @ 2007-04-03T16:32:00

2007-04-03T20:39:40Z

Jacob and I got in a fight today.
He hit me today for no reason, and I finally had enough.
He's always doing shit to me.
He won't acknowledge me in the hall. He makes fun of me constantly. He blows off our weekend plans.
And I'm always trying to help him when he is sad.
I don't feel like I deserve the crap I get back.
So I got upset, and he tried to tell me that he loved me, cared about me, and that I was his sunshine.
But I don't think he meant it at all.
So now I'm really upset...

And Sam is confusing me.
He says things like, "I hope you're not cheating on me with anyone" and that he'd marry me, etc. etc.
And while I like the attention, I don't know if he's kidding or not.
Why do guys act like they are in love with a girl?

voidcoupon @ 2007-03-23T19:03:00

2007-03-23T23:31:24Z

Tomorrow is Tyler and my [would be] 2 year anniversary.

And honestly, I wasn't going to be bothered.
I wasn't even thinking about it- I was more counting down the days till Connor and my 7 month anniversary.

But now that I know it's bothering him, I feel a little upset.

Part of me doesn't want to forgive him for the things that happened- he told me no one would love me unconditionally. He made me feel guilty for being sad. He threatened to hurt my rabbit. And I only remember being told I was pretty or beautiful twice.

But even though I'm not in love with him anymore, I still care about him. I don't want him to feel bad.

But I can't reach out to him. Because honestly, I'm still hurt. I can't look at him and think nice things. And I feel guilty for that...
But...

:[
Even though he was a big part of my life for a while, we can't undo things.

I just don't want him to be upset.

voidcoupon @ 2007-03-15T18:33:00

2007-03-15T22:45:07Z

Soooo.
Someone stole my iPod today.
[Which is totally lame, because I never have my bag more than 10 feet away from me.]

But I flipped out.
Music is my life.
It's my alarm clock when I wake up.
I listen to it on the way to school.
I listen to my iPod afterschool.
I listen to it while doing homework.
And I listen to music before I go to bed.

I was on the phone with Connor when I realized it was gone, and I started crying.
And I remember apologizing to him over and over again, like I always do when I'm sad.

Which leads me to:
CONFESSION. I secretly feel guilty when I tell Connor I'm sad.
And I know why.
In my last relationship, I remember feeling sad.
And it got to the point where instead of, "What's wrong, Cara?"
My boyfriend, "God. What is it this time?"
It made me feel like shit.

I get upset easily. I can't help it.
But what he did just made me feel awful.

I've told Connor that I feel guilty, and I've told Connor about him.
And he keeps reminding me, "But I'm not him."

But I can't help it.
What happened really screwed me up.

I'm scared of telling Connor what's wrong, because I'm scared I will be rejected, or just put aside...
like I used to be.

And I'm not mad at him..
I just.
I wish he understood that because of how he handled me..
I can't let some things go.

voidcoupon @ 2007-03-12T21:47:00

2007-03-13T01:52:01Z

Connor's not doing his work at school, so his mom called me three times last week explaining that she didn't want him on the phone during the week, and he knows he's not allowed to be.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with him and he asked for me to call him while he's at his mom's house...and I said no, because I didn't wanna just seem like I was disregaurding everything his mom said.I think he's upset with me. But I have no idea, because he can't use phone or internet until Wednesday when he's at his dad's.

So I've been stressing since last night trying to figure out if he's mad, upset, sad,etc at me...

And I just can't take everyone's problems. I don't mind hearing why one person's upset because I really care. But then my other friends are piling their problems on me and there's nothing I can do to help.
So I'm so fucking overwhelmed right now I don't know what to do.
I just don't know what to do...I just want to cry because once I do that, I'm done with all my bad emotions, but it's gotten so bad that I can't even do that...so I feel trapped.

I feel helpless. Because all I can do is pass out cookies to my sad friends and say "I'm sorry" and that really gets to me.
And what bugs me the most is that I feel like no one fucking cares...Whenever I'm upset about something and I tell my story to my friends, it's like "Oh. I'm sorry. But atleast blahblahblah didn't happen to you" and they talk about their problems...

I just wish that I felt like people were as good a friend to me as I am to them..

I'd really like to just lean on someone's shoulder and just let all this shitty stuff out..but the only person I trust with that is Connor...and he's the only person I can't get to..

voidcoupon @ 2007-03-10T06:52:00

2007-03-10T11:57:13Z

This probably sounds horrible:
I'm skeptical of Josh and Matt.

They're both people who I would question their sexuality.
And all of a sudden, they're both going out.

It's rediculous that it matters this much to me.

But I wanna know..

voidcoupon @ 2007-03-04T08:15:00

2007-03-04T13:22:58Z

Yesterday was nice.
Real nice.
:]

Connor came over at noon. We made little figures out of clay.
He made a crackhead (which he painted blue) and I made a turtle and some hearts.

And then we watched Stranger Than Fiction. It's not bad.

After that, Danielle came over!
So then, Danielle, Derek, Connor, and I made tennis and ping pong ball bombs for Bryce's birthday.
[It was amazing. I'll have to post the video later.]

So then, Connor and I got popsicles. And he made a graph and program on my calculator that said, "Connor loves Cara" cuz we're dorks.

And I just feel so lame trying to explain my day. Because it was so much more than popsicles, bombs, and clay. Every moment that I spend with Connor is so utterly priceless.

I love him more than anything.
I really do...

voidcoupon @ 2007-02-28T07:20:00

2007-02-28T12:24:12Z

I know my life could be a lot worse.
But it doesn't change that this bugs the hell outta me.

Connor didn't get good grades on his progress report.
And I'm the one that's being punished for it.

Atleast that's how it feels.

He can't talk on the phone during the week anymore.
What the hell?
I haven't talked to him since Monday.
And to do that, I had to make cookies and drop them off at his house.

This isn't fair.
It's like I only have a boyfriend 2 out 7 days of the week.

This is killing me.
I miss him so much.

voidcoupon @ 2007-02-26T16:37:00

2007-02-26T21:38:30Z

...I really am sorry.

I had no intention of actually hurting you.

voidcoupon @ 2007-02-21T02:12:00

2007-02-21T21:24:14Z

I can't eat the four boxes of Girl Scout cookies I ordered for myself.

Because Reba and I are going to lose weight together.
She wants to lose 20 pounds.
That'll bring me down to 115 pounds...

People tell me I don't need to lose weight, but I can pick up on the things people say.

Nathan said to me, "Well you know, Connor doesn't care." as though there is something to care about in my weight...

So I just don't know.

I'm not happy with my body...no one else is..

So here goes nothing.

voidcoupon @ 2007-02-19T19:05:00

2007-02-20T00:05:48Z

Everyone keeps teasing me about the party on Friday.

I didn't dance a lot because Connor doesn't like to. So I sat on a couch with him most of the time, because I didn't want to leave him by himself.

And yes, we kissed a lot.

So naturally, it drew attention; there were tons of people just popping up and giggling.
But now I can't even count the number of times someone came up to me today and said, "You and Connor looked like you enjoyed yourselves."

It's so rude and embarassing.

Will even told the whole math class that I did "recreational dancing."

I guess it bugs me so much because people don't think when they say the things they do.
I know better than to say things like that, because I care about others' feelings.
I just wish people would do the same for me.

voidcoupon @ 2007-02-14T22:09:00

2007-02-15T03:10:50Z

Today was amazing.
I love Valentine's Day.

I got to pass out my Valentines.
Liz N made me an amazing picture that I love very much. :]
My brother got me a balloon.

Then, afterschool, Connor came over.
He got me three red roses and a card with an octopus on it(!)
And I made him a framed picture of us and got him toaster strudel.

And I convinced him to trade hoodies with me, so I have an amazing smelling jacket for a week. :]

I love him so much.
I'm so excited.
He's just perfect.

voidcoupon @ 2007-02-12T16:29:00

2007-02-12T21:29:22Z

I'm so excited about valentine's day.

I get to see Connor, and I get to hand out valentines to people who care about me.

Which means finally this year...

I'm not giving one to Malikah.

voidcoupon @ 2007-02-08T18:37:00

2007-02-08T23:42:50Z

I hate feeling sad.

Me:
----------------- Original Message -----------------
I feel like you've been acting upset towards me.
Did I do anything wrong?
Tell me please, you can be honest.
I love you, best friend.

Malikah:
----------------- Original Message -----------------

Its just that a lot of people r very tired of u.
Im not really cuz I dont think u realize it,
and I TRY to tell you so you know.
But you CANNOT crack emo jokes with Ashley there becuz she ACTUALLY is and is stupid and over moody when you say those things.
You have been breaking dress code, becuz even tho your arms touch your skirts and shorts, u have a butt.
So you "appear" a smidge trampish.

I didnt wanna be mean and say it wrong tho...
Cuz i mean it in a constructive,
I love you but you need to know way,
not a Stop it whore way.

Cuz ure not a whore...

Yeah. sorry.
ilu. for serious. bye.

Yes. I made fun of emos in 5th period. There's a girl in my class that literally declares she's goth and emo.
She got upset when we did a unit on Christianity, and gets upset when people talk about emo music.

But I guess the point of this is that I just want to know who's tired of me.
I guess...I had no idea.
I just want to know who is my friend, and who's not.
I don't want to waste time talking to people who talk about me behind my back.

voidcoupon @ 2007-02-05T07:13:00

2007-02-05T12:17:06Z

Eeeee.
I went over to Connor's last night.
It was fun.
He convinced me to let him give me a piggy back ride.
[I'm scared of those because everytime Malikah gives me one, she drops me.]
But he didn't drop me.
And he walked up and down the stairs with me.
It was fun. :]
He makes me melt.

P.S. COLTS WON!
I'm excited. I get to wear my autographed Colts hat today.
Even though it's hella old.

voidcoupon @ 2007-01-29T21:01:00

2007-01-30T02:02:59Z

I always pick the wrong days to wear skirts/ dresses.

But atleast I looked cute today.

:]

P.S.; yesterday with Connor is still blowing my mind.

voidcoupon @ 2007-01-28T21:30:00

2007-01-29T02:36:31Z

I know I usually only update when I'm at a high...or a low.
But today's a high. Definately.

Connor is AMAZING.
He came over today, and I've grown to love Sundays, because I see him everyday week on that day.

We snuggled (^_^!) on my bed and watched Anchorman.
He would tease me everytime I said something was my favorite part.

He kept pulling my dress up (I had leggings!) and kissing my tummy.
And everytime I said I didn't like my tummy, he would say, "You have a perfect little tummy."

He let me sit on him and I even convinced him to let me tickle him under his ribs.
Mehehe.

And the best part is..he tells me he loves me. And he tells me I'm wonderful. And beautiful. And perfect for him.

And he let me hold onto him all the way home....
*sigh*
:]

voidcoupon @ 2007-01-24T16:53:00

2007-01-24T21:54:27Z

I feel sick.

I feel mentally ill.

There's so much going on right now.

My uncle has told my dad that because of his unemployment for the past year, he has let down the whole family. I don't understand why anyone would be anything other than supportive in this particular situation.

I hate my braces. I've gotten chains and wires and rubber bands. They make me feel so self-conscience. I feel like a freak.

I still hate my body. I wish I had the willpower to starve myself as much as others do.

I'm just not happy, and I don't know why. When I was in school today, I just wanted people to stop talking to me. And I swore to myself that the minute I got home, I would go to sleep.

But I haven't been able to sleep. I keep tosing and turning at night.

I've had good grades, though. 98 on my English exam, 94 on the Math exam. 96 on Earth/Enviromental.

But I feel like I don't even deserve all the success and happiness I have in my life right now.

I feel like I don't deserve Connor...

voidcoupon @ 2007-01-21T21:43:00

2007-01-22T02:47:44Z

Wowzers.

So I guess my dad got fed up after working with my computer for a week.

He left this morning saying that he was going to get a new part for my computer,
but then came back with a new computer/monitor/printer set.

The screen's flat and has a blue button that glows when it's on...

And my keyboard is taco-gunk free.
It's almost like my finger have no traction though, because it doesn't have sticky pop on it.

And it's 18129381 times faster than my old computer.
Importing CDs used to take me 20 minutes per disc.
But I got 18 discs done in 3 hours on this thing.

It's so amazing.
I love it so much.

voidcoupon @ 2007-01-16T21:25:00

2007-01-17T02:26:22Z

Okay so...this weekend.

[+]Sarah F slept over Saturday. Sometimes, we don't agree on things, but we had lotsa fun. We pigged out on every food imaginable, and we watched scary movies.
[+] And I didn't freak out about the movies, either.
[++++++++]Connor came over Sunday. We watched Little Miss Sunshine, my favorite movie right now. Before we had to take him home, I wrote a note that said "Connor is my favorite boy in the whole world, and I wouldn't trade him for anything." And so then, when we got to his house, I slipped it in his pocket. :D He said he liked it a lot.
[+] Ahmad and I hung out on Monday. We made cookies, watched Little Miss Sunshine (heh..) and Stay Alive. And he taught me a song on bass.
[+] I caught Demetri Martin's stand up on Comedy Central. He is the funniest since Mitch Hedburg.

Andddd this week...so far.
[+] We started Vivaldi (The Four Seasons) in orchestra. So I took my violin home. And I practiced a lot.
[-]Mr.Gibson wanted us to have learned the first part at a slow tempo. So we played it as a group once. But then he decided that no one had done their work, so we had to play individually. I have the worst case of stage fright.
[-]So I blew it.
[+] My dad installed a ton of new stuff onto my computer. He switched my 20 gig hard drive with a 120 gig. And he got me a CD and DVD burner/ reader. And he got my music organized into one place.
[-------] Except he lost my Red Hot Chili Peppers. And my Audioslave. And my CKY. And my Ben Folds. And my iPod got all screwed up with iTunes. So I had to re-import everything. And get my album art back. And now that I got most of my 2000 songs together, my iPod is only syncing about 150 songs, even when I made sure it's supossed to sync all my music.

Grr. Grr. Grr. :[

Oh and.
[-] I'm putting off my World History homework.

voidcoupon @ 2007-01-12T07:16:00

2007-01-12T12:17:32Z

To people in a relationship....

Have you ever gotten weird vibes from the other person, but then have it turn out okay?

:[

voidcoupon @ 2007-01-09T18:22:00

2007-01-09T23:22:29Z

I used to really like my butt.
But not so much anymore..

I have some white sweatpants. They're comfy, so I wore them to school today.

And I get comments like, "Oh my God, Cara. You never told me you had a black girl booty."
And I get, "GEEZ. No wonder Connor goes out with you."

And I guess people are expecting me to say thanks..but it upsets me.
Two reasons why..

-It makes me different. All the girls at the school are just skin and bones. Not me. I'm different. That just gives people more things to pick on, because people are picked on because they're different.

-It makes me feel objectified. I'd like to think that Connor goes out with me because he likes the person I am..not because I have "a nice ass."

I just..
I hate feeling so self-conscious.
The one physical feature that I thought I had going for me...
I'm starting to hate.
I just hate my body.

voidcoupon @ 2007-01-08T18:40:00

2007-01-08T23:43:13Z

UGH MILAN.

Your shenanigans made me forget to staple an evaulation sheet to my article.

Now there's not a place for people to tell me how wonderful a job I did on it..

:[

I'll get you back.

voidcoupon @ 2007-01-04T08:22:00

2007-01-04T12:22:17Z

I saw Danielleo tangello mellow fellow jello :]

And we did the penguin dance!

My week is now complete.

voidcoupon @ 2006-12-29T09:23:00

2006-12-29T13:23:53Z

I'm so upset right now.

I got home from Indiana Wednesday night. I hadn't really talked to Connor since I had left, so I called him last night.
Lucky for me, his best friend, John was there.
John and I aren't enemies or anything, but everything he does upsets me.

He says things like "Cara rapes puppies," and "Ugh stupid gingers," and "Who goes to Magnet schools? They're so retarded."
And Connor just lets him say things like that.
So I get upset and tell John to stop, and they're both just like, "We were just kidding. We never mean anything we say, John just says stupid stuff all the time."
And then John just keeps at it.

Connor just changes so much when he's with John, and it really bugs me.
John left the room while we were on the phone, and suddenly, Connor was all, "Cara, are you sad? I love you."...And then John came back, and they were at it again..

I want to be friends with John, I really do.
But I'm sure he thinks I'm a killjoy because I don't like his jokes.

:[ And I wanted to just have a real conversation with Connor last night...because I miss him so much. But it ended up just being 64 minutes of listening to him and John...which resulted in John saying, "Geez, you guys aren't a good couple. You don't talk enough."