Darling

Car horns, rain, blah

2010-03-12T14:16:27Z

I learned something useful for city-driving today: If I turn up my music loud enough, I don't have to listen to any car horns. People in this city honk all the time. They honk if you slow down to let someone into the lane. They honk if you don't begin acceleration a half-second before the light turns green. They honk at pedestrians. It's ridiculous. So, whilst listening to lil wayne, I realized that I couldn't hear anyone honking. It was so wonderful, I made a point to let people into my lane. I think the folks behind me got mad, but I wouldn't really know.

Also, on a more intellectual note, cities make weather seem ugly, barbaric, and unnatural. Let's face it: cities are asphalt gardens. Buildings often have some greenery, but these shrubs and small trees are watered via the janitor's hose or sprinklers. Driving around GDLs financial district in the rain illustrates my point: when it rains, water runs off nearly everything, and ends up sweeping down the streets. The gutters often swell like small creeks, massive puddles form everywhere, and all the women in high-heels look oh-so-unhappy.

So rain in the city isn't needed, it isn't pretty, and all of the water on the street turns black with dirt and grime. Since there are so few plants, all we see is dirty, dirty water. We don't really see the rain as it occurs in nature: getting soaked up by plants. This makes the rain seem unnatural to us, because it doesn't seem to help the ecosystem, it doesn't get soaked up, and it looks unclean.

The end is near and love is only make believe.

2010-03-12T14:10:20Z

they're remembered best
as a quick succession
of furious navigational mistakes:
running barefoot from the institution
cigarette dangling
from a bandaged hand
and nothing but a blanket
a new moon
and an armada of one-eyed doctors
between her
and her truck,
next stop me
and the best she'd ever be,
not sure where she was going but sure i'd be there
(i'd taken a wrong turn
and ended up in tundra
remembering only vaguely
a missed appointment,
perhaps important);
the next,
a pretty girl with her first needle
revving like a souped up caddy
me tracing the roadmap
to a questionable location
on the bad side of town
on the insides of her pale and freckled arm
"here,"
i said,
"this route would be your best bet,"
she pounded it,
pedal to the metal
soaring the highways and byways
of her wetslick capillaries
got there faster
than either of us would've expected
but then, she was always
a bit more reckless than i
behind the wheel.
there was a sad-eyed boy once
tripping to god knows where
who asked me
directions to oblivion
and got a slightly different answer
(i wouldn't make the same mistake twice,
that was for damned sure
i'd been studying my atlas this time)
"take a left here and
at the junction of my thighs
go straight ahead,
you can't miss it."
but ended up in pretty much the same place anyway
with a tank running on empty
and the familiar sense
of not having travelled
very far at all.
i've realized since
that i ain't no magellan
no cat for the crow's nest
or passenger seat
the red and blue traces of a paper topography
are a blur to me,
and i'm always begging to stop
at those rinky-dink tourist traps
featuring jackelopes and wax museums.
i can never figure out which way is north
with my gumball machine compass,
or how to fold the map back up in
a neat
little package
once it's been consulted
but if someone's seeking
that road to oblivion
the route i've shuttled many a year now
wondering if it's really worth the commute
(what with gas prices these days)
the good samaritan in me
is never quite able to shrug
smile cluelessly
and point them in the opposite direction

Lucien.

2010-02-06T14:23:39Z

Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person, and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have...
Standing so close... knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person, and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down, come down.
I cherish you...I cherish you.
Just say you would do the same for me.
For as much as I love Autumn, I'm giving myself to Ashes.

.... lately

2009-11-20T01:42:08Z

"The transitory nature of relationships...". When I talk to you I speak in these terms and I wait for you to fulfill a philosophy set out by the pain of my past. I start sentences with phrases like that to sound pragmatic between the corny jokes and un-interpretable moments of moody silence. This, my absolution for my future abandonment of you and that life I said I loved.

In the morning as I stare at my ankle and wonder what the brown spots are and if I've contracted some sort of wilderness rash. You tell me that I'm just dirty. I resist the assertion, dirt isn't spotted. I pour water over myself and watch the spots turn to mud and my face turn to a childlike simplicity that speaks in that ignorance that is acceptable because you grin and shrug your shoulders. I've fallen just far enough to forget what that dust is that covers my life really is. Spots and sorrow and my denial of what the shade fails to hide.

I miss everyone from the past and feel impartial to everyone in my future.

general miscellany (redundancies be we...)

2009-10-29T03:37:33Z

A wish is not an action. It's a dream, a thought, a vague breeze of emotion with no true impetus in the physical realm. Because all the wishing I did for bad things to go away in my life has never worked. What has worked is actions, responsibility, and decisions. But never wishing. Which isn't to say I don't understand the gesture. I do, very much so. I just don't find it useful in the world I inhabit. (Which, it may be safe to say, isn't always even approximate to the reality most people inhabit.)

It´s happening, I've been here before, and I know how to do it quietly, connectedly, so no one really knows exactly where I've gone. It's detachment, it's books, it's movies, it's Internet addictions, hours spent aimlessly surfing instead of interacting and being available... It's not writing and it's not productive. But it's better than other forms of madness in that it staves off the true, total desolation of giving up creativity entirely.

love rain in the absence of wind. The moisture beads on the trees, and each drop at the end of a needle or leaf gathers more and more moisture until it's fat enough to fall off and splat on something below. If that something is the roof of your car, it can sound like gravel or gunshots and be quite startling. And until the drops gather enough water to fall, they're quite lovely beading all the trees in the light.

I never Update.

2009-04-02T16:52:36Z

I live in Guadalajara Jalisco, Mexico now. I don't have time to input a detailed update right now, but I will... soon.

Piercings

2008-10-15T19:52:14Z

Now that i'm allowed, i'm thinking of getting some holes in my face. I'm very flaky so I don't want something that will leave a huge hole in case I want to take it out because i'm pretty sure that within a week i'll completely regret it.

I don't like eyebrow piercings but this one is kind of cool.

not the monroe, the one bellow the lip, I would prefer is to be smaller though? is that possible? o.o

any suggestions?

virgin @ 2008-10-10T11:16:00

2008-10-10T18:35:09Z

Day 2. I suppose my subconscious really wants him to call, i spend too much thinking about what I would say or if I should even pick up. I guess i'm secretly hoping this is just one of those times... where he didn't mean what he said. I have to convince myself that its real this time, its certainly over but how do I? How can I? if i'm still completely obsessed. One day at a time like everything else, I'm chain smoking way more than I should and pot has become a dear friend. I should stop... I'm going backwards in time.
I thought that since i'm so lost right now just not thinking as i wrote would help. but nothing came out. no subconscious thoughts. no anger. just nothing. i feel so empty. i hate not doing anything with my time. i'd rather be working or at school than just sitting at home. reading doesn't distract me anymore. neither does packing.

i finally really understand that garden state quote. i'm not just trying to be emo about it. "You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone... You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know"

i should want to go home. but i don't. i just don't feel any connection at all. i love some of my friends , but let's face it, most of my real friends are in the army. i can be friends with anyone from any distance and I can't be friends with Aman anymore because I hate his blue haired gf and I can't stand the thought of them together. Sorry Aman, I know this is selfish but I can't deny that i'm a selfish girl.

.

Okay

2008-10-10T03:10:34Z

is it just more convenient to update when i'm feeling out of sorts?
i hear my fan and see my messy room and i'm wondering when i'm going to get out of my sister's house and go back to california.
As much as I try...
My complete honesty is not available to anyone, i don't think.
i'm afraid the people i like the most are going to find someone better than me which i'm sure in many occasions Taylor already has, i really dont like to be second to anyone. People demand a lot (including myself) its usually indirectly or unintentionally; but it happens all the same.
some stuff you can't control. other stuff you can, but that stuff usually ends up mattering considerably less until you have no control over it anymore.
i have some bathwater waiting for me...
when things get quiet i feel alone but in all honesty i am the happiest when i belong to only myself.
nothing will change that and i hope no one tries to again, it only feels awkward.

Taylor will never be replaced just like Adi has never been replaced, and sometimes, things and people should indeed be replaced.
but it cant be forced,
sometimes i feel like covering myself like I am the Sleeping Child...I should be feeling fine, but i'm not. It's this Face business again. I went for this facial at a semi-luxurious spa, and now I'm just pock-marked with blemishes...no thanks to the extraction. It's been days but my skin is slow at recovery from anything. I need to divorce myself from my Face--it ain't me....it ain't me....there is no true "me": who or what is it? A person who is at once vaguely but overwhelmingly self-important, face-important, clothes/body-important, hair-important, nail-important.....a foolish entity bent on investing every part of her physical existence with her shifting individuality, because she is afraid of getting it lost in the wild crowd of the world, afraid no one will pay her any attention, afraid she would be ignored... in my old office, some of the colleagues thought I was destined (or doomed) to be an army officer's wife--"you're so regimental and upright but yet so flighty, dear Crabsticks; you need an army man to fit and set you right !! " I was pleased, yet indignant--not every girl is suitable for an army man....among my own girlfriends, most prefer someone from the same line of work, or someone fantastically exotic or rich from indecently lucrative business ventures...no one is actually fascinated by a Patriot....ah hah, another shot at my "individuality"...but yet I can't bear the thought that only as a married person, I will be finally treated as a human being. Despite this Blemished Face, I had watched with such dismay at how other people gave me a second look when they noticed a small ring on my engagement finger, The ring seemed so embarrassing to me after this episode, that I tossed it aside tonight. so ironical . But you see, human emotions cannot really be reliable; constancy isn't one of our strong points. The Practicum experience had been quite uplifting to me--I saw how that angry teenage girl in me had been released when I addressed my peers at my last suicide prevention class soaring so high, flying away so gleefully--I felt torn when I had to say goodbye.

i've worn the same socks for two days and havent bathed. pass it on

Hello

2008-10-02T05:15:40Z

I've decided to start using my livejournal, not as a place to input pretentious ramblings but as a documentation of my actual life, see this has always been my problem; the ability to be completely honest with myself and others is foreign to me-- i hide behind many faces, personalities etc; partly as a self defense mechanism & also for amusement "seeing what i can get away with" type of thing.
Many things have happened since my last attempt to maintain this thing. I don't know if i'll be able to go over everything in detail because my memory fails me often. I guess the most important thing to mention is that I finally ETS'd out of the military after going through numerous problems where the army managed to fuck me one last time i'm finally out with a full honorable discharge. I'm currently engaged with my off again on again boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. I'm still very apathetic about everything but i realized that someone who stays by your side and is whiling to make things work after you tried to commit homicide is definitely someone either very special or completely insane, regardless.. he's good to me; better than anyone has ever been.
On July 16 I tried to kill him, (literally) I was on the edge, my breakdown was around the corner and I finally snapped. If you know me personally you understand that it was just a matter of time before "I hurt myself or someone else" everything happened too fast to remember much, but I can still see myself vividly being carried away to the mental hospital strapped down; the time was 12:43am I remember glancing over at the clock in the ambulance and thinking to myself "is this really me?". I stepped out of my own body and saw the way I was acting but had no control. The reason I snapped is insignificant because i've realized that anything could have pushed me off.
I was bleeding out and Chris calling the military police saved my life I know this and i'm thankful of it. I was uncontrollable not even he could have made me stop. I remember going after him with broken glass and all he could do is hold me down and rub my back i remember this angered me, he could have done anything; slapped me, leave me there, curse me out but instead he reassured me he still loved me.
The morning after he tried to come see me but they wouldn't let him, I was sure i was going to lose him forever, I wouldn't stay or be with someone like me. I'm a bit of a lost cause really, but there he is sleeping in the waiting room... tired I imagine and late for work.
Of course my commander forced me into anger management and mental health therapy, and of course they told me everything I already knew. I was diagnosed with *-----------------* things I have been told before but refused to get "help" for. I managed to talk my way out of this mess and had my whole Company's "pity" and "understanding" all which helped me ETS on good terms.
Aug 17 Chris and I took a much needed vacation to mexico before he deployed, our passion and love for each other came back to life. Sep 01 he deployed to Iraq and here I am, left behind waiting for my Soldier to come back alive. I'm hoping to move to mexico while I wait for him i'm eager and excited to live a normal life outside of the overbearing arms of the US GOV.

virgin @ 2008-07-22T19:25:00

2008-07-22T19:25:19Z

Like an animal, I've sent up every predictable distress signal. Clutching childhood pets to my chest against their will, their geriatric limbs wiggling in futile attempts to get as far away from me as possible. Taking aimless drives and blasting the Smiths, the usual twinge of shame absent. Smoking instead of eating, Sulking in public, pretending to look at the comic book with the soft folded edges I've read more times than anyone should . Every thought I have that doesn't pertain to him, to my weak character, or to the relevance of my simple line drawings I cling to with an intensity usually reserved for lip synching to "Yer Blues" alone in my room. I try to ride out the unrelated thoughts as long as possible. Thoughts about how much I should ration my reading material, about how I should recreate the texture of my chewed up inner lips with synthetic materials, about Gouda cheese.

Emboldened by a pleasant phone call home, I feel wholly confident in my decision to take the longest route possible. The longest route possible being the polite way of saying I just wanted to drive by the apartment, see his car, see if the lights are on. I'm too numbed out to acknowledge how creepy I'm being. Rolling past, the mental pictures of five seconds prior are replaced by an almost deafening feeling of jealousy. My plan's been thwarted...I can't even see the car because there are others parked behind it. Driving stone-faced in the dark, I'm no longer hearing the music crackling out of my shitty car stereo, but the dramatized and imagined conversations that must be taking place back there. But then I remember that I instigated the sanctions. I remember how invalid my feelings about all this are supposed to be. I have selfish and manipulative thoughts. I want to call, force him to be reminded of me while participating in idea synthesis with friends, to ensure that my presence is there even if I am not.

I'm wondering if always being deeply emotionally invested in someone else is crippling me. I wonder if it's a sign of weak character.

Phrases related to combing hair always conjure up images of perfect, immaculate people for me.

I invent people to be intimidated by. Girls who are classically beautiful and shy, as well as inexplicably perverse, Women with quirks that are almost painfully fascinating who, despite modest means, always seem to be dressed to the nines in vintage blouses and wool A-line skirts...the way I wish I could afford to dress in my most shallow and pathetic hours.

Luckily I found my I-pod, so now I'm forced to listen to something besides "Good Woman", "He War", and Halfway to a Three-way on repeat. I'm seeking out neutral music with which I have little or no history.

identity

2008-06-19T21:08:38Z

For a moment, I thought that I was becoming slightly insane in front of my very eyes. Its terrible when you can't really get a grip of your actions, you act on impulse, and before you know it, you've turned into an irrational and selfish freak of nature. I saw the signs as soon as I got back. For some strange reason I wanted to spend every waking hour with him and I started to wonder why I - all of a sudden - became so attached. And during those times he'd want to spend time with his friends without me, I would, for no apparent reason, turn into a bitch of a girlfriend that I swore I would never become - endless grilling, illogical questioning, and THE most sarcastic answers. And not being the type of person to appease what could be mistaken as a BAD case of PMS, (i dont think i would appease myself either), he fights back, points out my psychotic behavior, and refuses to deal with my ugly display of character.

I know... I've officially tainted myself as a bad person. But I don't think I'm completely at fault, defensiveness aside. I just can't seem to forget it... and I suppose that explains my fear or paranoia, that if I let him go off to do what he wants, he might just forget me again. In another chemically induced state of euphoric sensations, I am afraid that I will cease to exist again. But in the end of it all - I still feel like the one who's wrong right now. I got to thinking - was it wrong of me to forgive him so soon? Or is it wrong of me now to hold on to him so tightly in fear of the repetition of something I don't think I will be able to bear? Both. And the horrible thing is that I know exactly what I must do - trust. What's evidently worse is that i cannot bring myself to do it. I just can't. I know that supposedly trust is an act of will, a firm decision that is apparently made along with the act of forgiveness. But underneath it all, I'm still afraid. The irony of it all is that if I keep acting this way, in the end, I will lose him when he was the one who lost me in the first place. And I don't want to lose him. I know deeper than the fear that so unwillingly surfaces from time to time is one plain and simple fact. I love him too much it makes me crazy.

Last weekend he lent me his brother's book - at random I'm sure - because he hasn't even read it and has no idea what it's about. And once again, Milan Kundera, so philosophically realistic and grounded, depicts a situation that I can without a doubt relate to:

"Sometimes - perhaps only for an instant - we fail to recognize a companion. When this happens to lovers, the effect is acute: for a moment the identity of the loved one ceases to exist, and we come to doubt our own......
Such a situation results in a wave of panic. This moment of confusion sets in motion a complex chain of events - forcing you to cross and recross the divide between fantasy and reality."

I suppose subconsciously, I still wonder what went on in his head or in his heart during those times he willfully decides to forget about me because he's having too much fun, or when after coming home at 9pm the next day from the night before, he pretends that he doesnt hear me cry over the phone, or that everything should still be ok after promising to have lunch with me but instead drops another tab in his mouth, that there's nothing wrong with promising to take me to the airport and then decide instead that it is he who should be flying off somewhere in his head.... I always wonder - how can anyone do that to anyone they claim to love? I think as long as I cannot answer those questions or grasp that concept, i doubt that I will ever be ok.... That's not really the solution is it? THe problem with me is that my scars are hard to heal, and I guess I bring this all upon myself by opening up the wounds over and over again. The sane, non-melodramatic solution is for me not to even attempt to grasp those concepts. Its not necessary anymore - because he's promised to never put me in that position again. And I should believe him.

I also suppose that what makes all this so hard to leave is that when he isn't "there", he is everything I want him to be. I can't help but wonder if I'm only fooling myself. I mean is it possible to believe in the duality of me meaning everything and nothing to him?

But at the end of the day, despite all that's happened in the past, all I want to do is be with him and spend time with him... even if it means just doing nothing with him. I'm happy just with that. Sometimes I even feel selfish for wanting to spend time with him and keeping him away from anything else he might want to do. It scares me sometimes that that's how I feel... it's backtracking instead of growing.

It's throwing away everything life has taught me and digressing turning into a selfish bitchy girlfriend. The kind of woman i've always hated and never wanted to become.

Just because.

2008-05-29T21:43:21Z

I don't know what to do about Erik, he doesn't know i can't maintain relationships i'm only here for a little while there's no use in building any strong bonds
...

longing for the perfect dimensions of isolation, so sparkly, shiny, and orderly.

2008-05-28T18:01:23Z

I've been on a mini vacation the last four days & last night I began to feel the anxiety control my body.
I could not sleep very well , which unfortunately, is becoming routine.
The mere thought of having to go back to work left me breathless and mindless. I felt so lonely and lost. This feels like a re-run of 7th grade.

and I really hated 7th grade.

My sister called and her husband moved out.

I was glad I wasn't there when they left eachother. I was glad I wasn't lost, crying & stumbling down drunk in the streets.
I was happy to be where I was. I was happy to be safe and held, naked & warm. They called and called and called me, only when they needed me.
I hate to be left wondering. It's the feeling of sleeping with someone you hate, or screaming at someone you love. Only,
I haven't done anything this time. Things are just changing. I still need her, she still needs me. It's still a battle.
It will always be a battle.

//

3 straight days & nights have made us comfortable. We talked till 5am and then started drinking. We passed out dead at 9 and slept till noon.
Then I woke up and chugged a bottle of wine. We went for a walk so I could have a cigarette. I told him the story: the family, the boyfriends, how everything was smashed to pieces in a matter of months. How it is starting to be rebuilt or maybe heal itself. But it's not like a house or layers of skin. It's more like climbing a hill. The people involved keep slipping and sliding all over the place. It's not hard to forget what's at the top.
Sometimes it's, "why bother."
He gets worse than me sometimes. I can see his eyelids opening and closing at this manic pace. He's fighting his body and his mind and I wonder what he thinks of me.
Treesa told him about that night in Guelph. How we were together with that someone. I hope I have time to explain further one day. I hope theres a one day .

See, I hope. I was typing without thinking and now I understand.

Dear Successful grow up man who fancy's me. (something i'm not used to),

I'm old enough to know that they're not butterflies at all. They're just hormones and fluids circulating.
It's that real.
This is making me feel
open to change.
Willing to be better or worse, just anything with you. Anything to keep this going,
I've never known this to be me. But my sickness is subsiding,
there's a whole new kind of break through that I never knew existed.

Like summer, like the buzz of speakers hitting the air.
Like, there are only words for the bad things and just a feeling for the good. Like I've finally been dumb-struck and I don't care.

virgin @ 2008-05-13T06:13:00

2008-05-13T19:04:45Z

time kills everything...even love

but summer will be my saving grace

I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. I'll be honest. I'm just going with the flow. Lao Tzu would draw your attention to the brittle branch that breaks in a strong wind whilst the reeds and grasses simply bend and so stay rooted. What other parallels can I draw to my life right now? I'm undergoing a reordering of values, priorities.

being back in the U.S is terrible for me. I miss Korea,

Moving to Mexico in AUG.
goodnight America; i've seen your ugly side and you've seen mine but we're still here ...together only not for long.
you're much more lustrous than i could ever know and much more rotten than i ever care to know...
another time, i'll sit and spit obscenities for what sometimes feels like a cursed affair, but for now-- cuddle up
and sleep tight. We have fateful days of rape and broken pasts ahead. angels swoop to kiss your freckled body. goodnight

virgin @ 2008-05-11T19:18:00

2008-05-12T02:20:50Z

i must have been a wretched beast in my last life,
to have come back as me:
a moral person.
not a cockroach, not a fruit fly,
not a giant rabid rat,
but a good girl, and alone.
the unquenchable internal struggle between being good and being happy.

and you; you must have been a saint,
to have come back as you are:
so self assured, full of resolve and power,
bravery, beauty, vanity,
good friends, good family,
money, dreams within your grasp,
and the absolute devotion of someone like me
(so brushed aside).

I also need to remind myself of this: my love is not limitless. There will always be more to give. Always.

I will live here until Aug. so much dirt, and sun

virgin @ 2008-04-29T10:42:00

2008-04-29T17:42:28Z

Been a long time; head above water for a moment, take a look around. Seems like I've been swimming for weeks, underwater, under starlight, no idea where I'm going but hey, the water's warm at least. Even when it's pitch night, there's a lot of things in the ocean that give off their own light...almost enough to see by. I've found some roads, anyway.

Why is it easier to write when you're not yourself? Like that car would never, never start for me but Danny had the knack, he turned the key and it'd let me drive it just fine.

Summer is coming I should be getting out of it's way...but then maybe it'd do me good, to see one through. I'm running out of places to go - at least, I'm running out of clean-slate places; I must stop leaving big devastated craters of history behind me when I leave. Maybe that should be my next experiment; try just...entering and leaving, and not disturbing a thing...trailing ripples behind me that'll fade in moments.

A little light-hearted. I'm enjoying this, strangely, somehow. I'll find myself a shore and build a nest and let the next few months roll past. Line it with dark wings and quiet souls and old, old songs and books I never had time to read. Plot my next caper, for when the sun comes out again.

I'll never settle but I've stopped wanting to; my life is this grand experiment that won't do anyone any good; I'm not leaving any notes except on people's souls; there's no methodology but sheer flightly impulse; there's no target except to keep going as long as I can; and one day die needlessly and dramatically, not for anyone elses's sake but because I wouldn't have it any other way.

virgin @ 2007-12-20T10:39:00

2008-04-29T17:40:15Z

Under the stars. Under the stars.

This is such a little town, but there's so much going on...it's not frantic, it's not electric, but its alive. Port in a storm. We don't venture out into civilisation much but we did last night, we went out and got wasted and laughed and danced and we really are just another carefree twentysomething couple...

I met a guy called Warren. I've never met a Warren before, but there he was, and he was wolfish and arrogant and charming and dark hair, dark eyes, slow smile, mine if I wanted him and any other time I would have jumped him then and there, like I always did, Danny or no Danny, Thomas or no fucking Thomas and on and on and on. He was like the poster-boy for My Casual Fucks. He could have been created for the sole purpose of tempting me back to my old life.

I didn't even want him. It was surreal. My mind recognised the fact that he was MY TYPE in big screaming flaming fucking bold letters, but there was just...nothing...nothing except the boy with the green eyes, sitting at the corner table and waiting for me to bring the drinks back over.

I could have let you believe that I wrote the song, but one lie would bring the whole house down. You looked cloudy; dissappointed but it passed as these things do. I wrote you another but I'm scared to let you hear it. It's the most honest I can be, it's more honest than I am to myself and looking at the words scares me, but not half as much, I think, for all your openness and your wildness and your absolute perfection, that they would scare you.

This can't last forever. It's too quiet.
This isn't cynicism. It's all been driven out of me. This is realism.
No, I don't like it any more than you do but even we need it in our little home on the edge of the woods.
And I didn't say anything bad had to happen.
But something
It's just too quiet.

virgin @ 2003-02-21T10:34:00

2008-04-29T17:34:47Z

If you knew me a month ago you don't know me now, everything's changed. It's all over and I can't go home, I can't ever go back there. The city would spit me out before anyone even got the chance to kill me.

But you know...doesn't seem to matter much...I'm not as cut up as I ever imagined I would be...

I guess it had run it's course. I guess it was the right time. I guess some people will miss me, I guess others'll hate me till the day they die; but that's okay too, in fact thats good, I'd pick being hated over being forgotten every single time.

Took some money before I left, took Danny's car too but nobody will tchase me for it. He would understands and it didn't end badly, it didn't even really end and I'll always love him. If we ever meet again he'll give me that smile, I know he will.

So here I am. Car, alcohol, backseat full of shit I threw in in the five minutes I had to get out. I can go anywhere, I can walk out of this cafe and go anywhere. I never figured i'd be doing this alone but it seems the best way to do it now that i'm here. Toss a coin, roll the dice, let's see where the fuck it takes me.

U.S Gov Us.Army

2008-04-29T17:31:29Z

Tomorrow morning, i'm off.

A new adventure.

I forgot what it was like to hate...

its nice.

Danny thinks it's cute, the way I go all cat; metaphorical hackles raised and hiss-spit-claw, growl...It's been a long time but oh yes, now I hate, I hate...

It's understood. Claws out. If our paths cross too close I won't be responsible, and Danny knows already that if he tries to stop me he might get hurt. He told me he had forgotten how dangerous I could be. Well we can't have that, now, can we, and I'm not fucking purring anymore.

Just stay the hell out of my way and you'll be fine. Don't risk it, don't risk what might happen, I still remember the old dances and you won't like being my partner. Stay away from me.

More than anything

2008-04-29T17:30:05Z

you know you space me out
and you mess me up
and I checked you out, so won't you step right up...

you know you space me out and you mess me up and you run me down
so won't you step right up and won't you cool me down
cus I gun for you

oh don't you know I gun for you
I tell you that I gun for you
don't you know I gun for you
tell you that I gun for you

you know you come around
and you walk right in
you know you burn me up and then you cool me out

well you walk right in and you shoot me down and you burn me up
so won't you step right in and won't you cool me out
cus I gun for you

Oh don't you know I gun for you
I tell you that I gun for you
don't you know I gun for you
tell you that i gun for you

you know you wind me up
and you reel me in
you spin me round and you set me off

you know you wind me up and you reel me in oh god you spin me round
so won't you step right up and won't you cool me down
cus I gun for you

oh don't you know I gun for you

More than anything. More than life, my own or anyone elses. More than music, more than sunsets, more than fucking sparkly paper. If I never said, if I never say anything straight ever again then I say it here. My partner, my lover, my angel; I hate him but I'll always love him more. He's in my blood.

I love you, Danny, I love you and words are fucking meaningless, meaningless, meaningless.

virgin @ 2003-12-22T10:28:00

2008-04-29T17:28:57Z

Go on, go on, go on...
I am waiting...I am waiting for you

I got a mixtape in the mail from someone who shouldn't have my address...surreal...I was trying to forget you and your people, I'm being someone else now...there's some really beautiful stuff on this though. m83. And some of that crazy shit you used to record in your basement while I screamed along from the stairwell. Mad times, fun times but I can't say I especially miss them.

Come on, baby, right now...

I love my life here far too much.

What do you want from me, though? Why now?
You're not getting a response. I want all of you gone. I cut those ties and we were all happier. Why this? If there's a message then I'm not getting it. I don't think I even speak your language any more...I only ever had the most rudimentary grasp of it.

That difference made me special to your people, though. No more the outcast. I led you and I bound you all together long enough for you to connect...then I let go and nobody caught me, and I hitchhiked home alone, and I left.

I don't think any of you missed me. The streets got a lot quieter no doubt. But you never really wanted me, you just needed me. I have people who want me and need me now. I have love and friendship like none of you would ever understand...that's why I never fit I guess, I craved more than you could ever give.

I'm gone, I'm happy, I have been for years...what, what now? I'm curious but not that curious. Get back to forgetting me. I don't even care enough to be angry with any of you anymore.

I have love like you wouldn't believe.

We went out walking at 3am this morning, all of us. Aimlessly wandering the city streets in the dark, in the cold. Danny and I hung back a little and talked about other cities, and how none really measured up...I told him there was one other, and one day I'd take him there. I wondered how we must look to anyone watching. Danny looks like a gangster and I'm just another indie scenester. Foo's a model-stroke-pornstar and Mara's a hyperactive cheerleader, Ari's like a psychotic teenage 1986 businessman and Gray just looks bored all the time. We're like the fucking Breakfast Club or something. We're amazing.

We stopped outside a record store while Ari tried to light a cigarette. Mara whipped the polaroid camera out of that pack she always carries around. It started snowing. I grabbed Danny and told him if he didn't dance with me he could kiss that last bottle of scotch goodbye. Mara took photographs. Ari said something to Foo and she kissed him. Foo never kisses Ari. Mara took photographs. Some homeless guy shouted from an alley across the street, "take your fucking rich-kid happiness someplace else". Danny lifted me up and nearly fell over, and Mara took photographs. Everyone was laughing, and everyone was looking up at the snow falling, and everyone was getting soaked and didn't care, and Mara was taking photographs.

These are the moments that I live for.

What?

2008-04-29T17:28:14Z

I made Gray put on my Caesars records and we all sat about pretending we were the bad guys in some 70's cop show. Ari gave us an itemised list of every time he's been shot. Danny felt the need to compete. Ari seemed satisfied he'd won until Danny pointed out that he had the premise completely the wrong way around.

There was a power cut. Within half an hour we were all freezing and sitting on the floor in a pile of blankets. Drinking drinking telling secrets telling jokes singing songs. "Let's burn the whole city down", and then a three hour discussion of what a great idea this really is. But you're not allowed to say that here anymore, are you? Fuck that.

Mara being hyperactive, giggly, schoolgirl and I don't know what she's doing with Gray, who is just the complete and total opposite, very calm, very zen and very much older than he really is...when I knew him at first he rolled his eyes at girls like Mara, and yet here she is. It's cute. And Foo being aloof and Ari being rediculous and Danny being Danny and me being drunk, drunker, drunkest, always drunkest.

Tequila. Yeah. I drank a lot of it and I started singing it at them. And none of them would believe it was a song, and from then it was my mission to educate my guys in that monster known as 'britpop'. Fucking heathens. But an hour later wasn't there a conga line round the room...con tequila, it makes me happy.

More drink, and pizza. We're slumming it...slumming it is our existence right now. International jetsetting will have to wait until there's something to do out there. Ari'll come up with something, he always does, and I kinda think he already has. He's got The Look. But later, later, I'm not going anywhere until it stops fucking snowing.

We all keep on making the same mistakes, again and again, and part of me thinks hey, girl, you know that's what they say, definition of insanity...but it's who we are, and we are insane, and we're brilliant, we're geniuses, we're the kings and queens and rebel leaders who nobody ever sees, we're all this because it's what we dream we are and when you're us dreams are more true than truth. It can't ever be any other way and none of us would ever want it to be. If the end of the world came tomorrow we'd stand and wait for it, stand in a line and wait till we could see it then we'd run right fucking into it screaming fuckyou's. That's who we are.

I'd put it in simpler terms, more human, mundane terms if I could...and yeah, I could, but I don't want to. it's not meant to be mundane. It's meant to be alive and afire. Just like us.

virgin @ 2003-12-19T10:24:00

2008-04-29T17:24:43Z

I love sparkly light-reflective paper. You know, hold it up to the light and you see rainbows and flashes and it makes your eyes hurt. We don't do christmas around here, not really, apart from being a little bit more drunk than usual and gathering in front of the tv to watch crap and talk crap...but for some reason there's a lot of sparkly paper around. I don't know where it's coming from. City fairies reading my mind or something.

I love it, it makes me smile and it makes me forget everything except how my eyes hurt and I want to look away but it's so mesmerising and I can't. Danny kept catching me at it all morning, drifting off into little trances, he smiled and laughed and went out and came back with a 3 meter roll of sparkly gift wrap. I've stuck it on the wall.

"I love your absolute, unrelenting insanity...and I love that you love it too."

virgin @ 2003-12-17T10:22:00

2008-04-29T17:23:27Z

And we all went to Andy's bar, all of us for the first time in months. Got there a half hour before closing. Andy gave me the keys and made me promise not to get so drunk I'd forget to lock the shutters and left us there.

He's taken my advice; every light in the place is red now, and he finally bought a pa that isn't falling apart...

Until six am, all of us, laughing and kissing and rolling around drunk on the bar of my cousin's shitty little drinking establishment. Ari and Foo made up, Ari and Danny made up, Gray and Mara wondered what all the making up was about. I sat back and smiled and thought how much of a family we all looked. Gray must have put 'Dust in the Wind' on the jukebox about thirteen times. By the third we were all singing our own drunken parodies and I remembered another time

a time before this; a time I don't think of much now; a time before this place and these people; other places and other people; none of them as real as this is now; but memories anyway; glastonbury all those years ago; around the fire; that family was bigger than this one; but that just meant more room for betrayal didn't it; six is the perfect number

Remembered being there in that moment and wishing it had been these guys there with me. We'd have built a mudsled and not walked anywhere all week. Me and Danny would have got married in some fairy-princess ceremony up at the stone circle. Foo would have spent all weekend complaining and wondering what she was doing there. I wouldn't have had to hide in strangers tents and hitch my own way home, no, not at all.

Florida, after Christmas.

Ari and Danny have gone out for drink. And we're all gonna get drunk, and we're gonna see if we can stay drunk till the 27th without dying.