Okay
is it just more convenient to update when i'm feeling out of sorts?
i hear my fan and see my messy room and i'm wondering when i'm going to get out of my sister's house and go back to california.
As much as I try...
My complete honesty is not available to anyone, i don't think.
i'm afraid the people i like the most are going to find someone better than me which i'm sure in many occasions Taylor already has, i really dont like to be second to anyone. People demand a lot (including myself) its usually indirectly or unintentionally; but it happens all the same.
some stuff you can't control. other stuff you can, but that stuff usually ends up mattering considerably less until you have no control over it anymore.
i have some bathwater waiting for me...
when things get quiet i feel alone but in all honesty i am the happiest when i belong to only myself.
nothing will change that and i hope no one tries to again, it only feels awkward.
Taylor will never be replaced just like Adi has never been replaced, and sometimes, things and people should indeed be replaced.
but it cant be forced,
sometimes i feel like covering myself like I am the Sleeping Child...I should be feeling fine, but i'm not. It's this Face business again. I went for this facial at a semi-luxurious spa, and now I'm just pock-marked with blemishes...no thanks to the extraction. It's been days but my skin is slow at recovery from anything. I need to divorce myself from my Face--it ain't me....it ain't me....there is no true "me": who or what is it? A person who is at once vaguely but overwhelmingly self-important, face-important, clothes/body-important, hair-important, nail-important.....a foolish entity bent on investing every part of her physical existence with her shifting individuality, because she is afraid of getting it lost in the wild crowd of the world, afraid no one will pay her any attention, afraid she would be ignored... in my old office, some of the colleagues thought I was destined (or doomed) to be an army officer's wife--"you're so regimental and upright but yet so flighty, dear Crabsticks; you need an army man to fit and set you right !! " I was pleased, yet indignant--not every girl is suitable for an army man....among my own girlfriends, most prefer someone from the same line of work, or someone fantastically exotic or rich from indecently lucrative business ventures...no one is actually fascinated by a Patriot....ah hah, another shot at my "individuality"...but yet I can't bear the thought that only as a married person, I will be finally treated as a human being. Despite this Blemished Face, I had watched with such dismay at how other people gave me a second look when they noticed a small ring on my engagement finger, The ring seemed so embarrassing to me after this episode, that I tossed it aside tonight. so ironical . But you see, human emotions cannot really be reliable; constancy isn't one of our strong points. The Practicum experience had been quite uplifting to me--I saw how that angry teenage girl in me had been released when I addressed my peers at my last suicide prevention class soaring so high, flying away so gleefully--I felt torn when I had to say goodbye.
i've worn the same socks for two days and havent bathed. pass it on
i hear my fan and see my messy room and i'm wondering when i'm going to get out of my sister's house and go back to california.
As much as I try...
My complete honesty is not available to anyone, i don't think.
i'm afraid the people i like the most are going to find someone better than me which i'm sure in many occasions Taylor already has, i really dont like to be second to anyone. People demand a lot (including myself) its usually indirectly or unintentionally; but it happens all the same.
some stuff you can't control. other stuff you can, but that stuff usually ends up mattering considerably less until you have no control over it anymore.
i have some bathwater waiting for me...
when things get quiet i feel alone but in all honesty i am the happiest when i belong to only myself.
nothing will change that and i hope no one tries to again, it only feels awkward.
Taylor will never be replaced just like Adi has never been replaced, and sometimes, things and people should indeed be replaced.
but it cant be forced,
sometimes i feel like covering myself like I am the Sleeping Child...I should be feeling fine, but i'm not. It's this Face business again. I went for this facial at a semi-luxurious spa, and now I'm just pock-marked with blemishes...no thanks to the extraction. It's been days but my skin is slow at recovery from anything. I need to divorce myself from my Face--it ain't me....it ain't me....there is no true "me": who or what is it? A person who is at once vaguely but overwhelmingly self-important, face-important, clothes/body-important, hair-important, nail-important.....a foolish entity bent on investing every part of her physical existence with her shifting individuality, because she is afraid of getting it lost in the wild crowd of the world, afraid no one will pay her any attention, afraid she would be ignored... in my old office, some of the colleagues thought I was destined (or doomed) to be an army officer's wife--"you're so regimental and upright but yet so flighty, dear Crabsticks; you need an army man to fit and set you right !! " I was pleased, yet indignant--not every girl is suitable for an army man....among my own girlfriends, most prefer someone from the same line of work, or someone fantastically exotic or rich from indecently lucrative business ventures...no one is actually fascinated by a Patriot....ah hah, another shot at my "individuality"...but yet I can't bear the thought that only as a married person, I will be finally treated as a human being. Despite this Blemished Face, I had watched with such dismay at how other people gave me a second look when they noticed a small ring on my engagement finger, The ring seemed so embarrassing to me after this episode, that I tossed it aside tonight. so ironical . But you see, human emotions cannot really be reliable; constancy isn't one of our strong points. The Practicum experience had been quite uplifting to me--I saw how that angry teenage girl in me had been released when I addressed my peers at my last suicide prevention class soaring so high, flying away so gleefully--I felt torn when I had to say goodbye.
i've worn the same socks for two days and havent bathed. pass it on