Hello
I've decided to start using my livejournal, not as a place to input pretentious ramblings but as a documentation of my actual life, see this has always been my problem; the ability to be completely honest with myself and others is foreign to me-- i hide behind many faces, personalities etc; partly as a self defense mechanism & also for amusement "seeing what i can get away with" type of thing.
Many things have happened since my last attempt to maintain this thing. I don't know if i'll be able to go over everything in detail because my memory fails me often. I guess the most important thing to mention is that I finally ETS'd out of the military after going through numerous problems where the army managed to fuck me one last time i'm finally out with a full honorable discharge. I'm currently engaged with my off again on again boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. I'm still very apathetic about everything but i realized that someone who stays by your side and is whiling to make things work after you tried to commit homicide is definitely someone either very special or completely insane, regardless.. he's good to me; better than anyone has ever been.
On July 16 I tried to kill him, (literally) I was on the edge, my breakdown was around the corner and I finally snapped. If you know me personally you understand that it was just a matter of time before "I hurt myself or someone else" everything happened too fast to remember much, but I can still see myself vividly being carried away to the mental hospital strapped down; the time was 12:43am I remember glancing over at the clock in the ambulance and thinking to myself "is this really me?". I stepped out of my own body and saw the way I was acting but had no control. The reason I snapped is insignificant because i've realized that anything could have pushed me off.
I was bleeding out and Chris calling the military police saved my life I know this and i'm thankful of it. I was uncontrollable not even he could have made me stop. I remember going after him with broken glass and all he could do is hold me down and rub my back i remember this angered me, he could have done anything; slapped me, leave me there, curse me out but instead he reassured me he still loved me.
The morning after he tried to come see me but they wouldn't let him, I was sure i was going to lose him forever, I wouldn't stay or be with someone like me. I'm a bit of a lost cause really, but there he is sleeping in the waiting room... tired I imagine and late for work.
Of course my commander forced me into anger management and mental health therapy, and of course they told me everything I already knew. I was diagnosed with *-----------------* things I have been told before but refused to get "help" for. I managed to talk my way out of this mess and had my whole Company's "pity" and "understanding" all which helped me ETS on good terms.
Aug 17 Chris and I took a much needed vacation to mexico before he deployed, our passion and love for each other came back to life. Sep 01 he deployed to Iraq and here I am, left behind waiting for my Soldier to come back alive. I'm hoping to move to mexico while I wait for him i'm eager and excited to live a normal life outside of the overbearing arms of the US GOV.
Many things have happened since my last attempt to maintain this thing. I don't know if i'll be able to go over everything in detail because my memory fails me often. I guess the most important thing to mention is that I finally ETS'd out of the military after going through numerous problems where the army managed to fuck me one last time i'm finally out with a full honorable discharge. I'm currently engaged with my off again on again boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. I'm still very apathetic about everything but i realized that someone who stays by your side and is whiling to make things work after you tried to commit homicide is definitely someone either very special or completely insane, regardless.. he's good to me; better than anyone has ever been.
On July 16 I tried to kill him, (literally) I was on the edge, my breakdown was around the corner and I finally snapped. If you know me personally you understand that it was just a matter of time before "I hurt myself or someone else" everything happened too fast to remember much, but I can still see myself vividly being carried away to the mental hospital strapped down; the time was 12:43am I remember glancing over at the clock in the ambulance and thinking to myself "is this really me?". I stepped out of my own body and saw the way I was acting but had no control. The reason I snapped is insignificant because i've realized that anything could have pushed me off.
I was bleeding out and Chris calling the military police saved my life I know this and i'm thankful of it. I was uncontrollable not even he could have made me stop. I remember going after him with broken glass and all he could do is hold me down and rub my back i remember this angered me, he could have done anything; slapped me, leave me there, curse me out but instead he reassured me he still loved me.
The morning after he tried to come see me but they wouldn't let him, I was sure i was going to lose him forever, I wouldn't stay or be with someone like me. I'm a bit of a lost cause really, but there he is sleeping in the waiting room... tired I imagine and late for work.
Of course my commander forced me into anger management and mental health therapy, and of course they told me everything I already knew. I was diagnosed with *-----------------* things I have been told before but refused to get "help" for. I managed to talk my way out of this mess and had my whole Company's "pity" and "understanding" all which helped me ETS on good terms.
Aug 17 Chris and I took a much needed vacation to mexico before he deployed, our passion and love for each other came back to life. Sep 01 he deployed to Iraq and here I am, left behind waiting for my Soldier to come back alive. I'm hoping to move to mexico while I wait for him i'm eager and excited to live a normal life outside of the overbearing arms of the US GOV.
