strafing the streets with sizzling bolts of deadly radiation since 1999

00

vertyshka — Thu, 26 May 2011 01:43:03 GMT

I'm a giver.
I give and I give and I give
And I know it will eventually hurt me.

Update: Been Forever

vertyshka — Sat, 02 Apr 2011 02:45:53 GMT

I'm going to start keeping a paper journal again. But until I go home and pick one up, this will have to do. So much has happened since the last update -- I don't know that I can turn it into a coherent narrative.

- boyfriend and i have had sex - lost our v-cards on v-day. it's a steep learning curve.
- passed the first part of three of the foreign service officer test. no one ever passes that the first try - i got really overwhelmed by the second part and didn't finish it.
- boyfriend's best female friend adores me. we talked at the last party at his Haus and she started crying because she was so happy that i was so good to him
- got accepted to the internship program in washington, dc. i dont know what i'm going to
- i think too much - i worry about what's going to happen after the summer when i go to DC between me and boyfriend
- i said the L word to him. he didn't say it back. i got a little bit upset, but didn't not expect it. he's new to this. at least if he feels like he's ready, he'll know that i'll say it back
- i'm staying in east lansing over the summer - i'm paying for my own sublet (250 a month) - i keep telling people it's because i want to try living on my own and i can't bear to live with my parents anymore, but i know it's really because i love boyfriend and i want to stay in EL with him so we can at least have the summer together
- and i'm ok with that
- because it's something that i want
- and for the first time in a very long time i'm so absolutely certain about what I want that i'm not going to pass it up
- at least it'll teach me to be responsible
- i turned 21. i bought my first legal beers at rite aid. classy
- reading marcus aurelius
- so fucking inspirational.

i miss writing and i miss feeling carefree.

All the night without love.

vertyshka — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 15:53:08 GMT

Whyy am I crying.

):

I wish I could ease up. I wish I didn't hold myself back so much.

vertyshka — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 05:33:34 GMT

boyfriend.

lol

so
surreal.

:D

vertyshka — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 01:14:44 GMT

Pretty sure I'm coming down with something. I spent the whole day today (after my final) watching TV and napping, with a brief excursion to get some chicken pot pie. Now I'm watching cat videos on Wimp instead of preparing for a party type of thing, because I don't particularly feel like partying.

But I suppose I should go out anyway.

someone explain

vertyshka — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 18:14:07 GMT

I'm having trouble understanding this:

Tuesday and Wednesday night I slept terribly. I probably got a total of eight hours combined, on top of being emotionally hung over from Tuesday night. So I get home at 6 yesterday with the intention of going to sleep, and even though I'm in bed, in my pajamas, eyes closed, I can't fall asleep. Instead my body decides to have a nervous breakdown on top of deciding that the rice and tofu I ate earlier that night was a terrible idea. Why? Because clearly it hates its own existence so much that it's trying to get me to starve myself to death.

I finally get to sleep at about 1 or 2AM, and wake up at 9 because my roommate is screaming at one of her parents on the phone about a broken snowblower. I can't get back to sleep. I get up, and eat a pita with hummus, which proceeds to make my stomach feel progressively worse, dick around on the computer for a while, and then take the bus to campus to study at the library.

This was my plan for the day -- to study/work on my paper at the library, but apparently the moment I sat down I was overcome with an all-consuming need to take a nap. The irony of this is that I know if I put my head down to try and sleep I won't be able to, and will instead feel 10 times worse and not have any work done on top of it.

Tomorrow night I see Cam, and that is just adding to my anxiety. Of course I'm not his girlfriend -- why would anyone want to deal with damaged goods?

thank god you're here - lover in the red

vertyshka — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 04:42:52 GMT

go to sleep
go to sleep, i'll watch you sweat
spider bite, panic attack, i'm lost for words
what more can a friend do?

make a mess
make a mess, i'll make you cry
leave you there wondering why the floor is all gone

i know that i really can't sing
especially when these words are useless
on and on, and on and on i go
my kingdom is slowly falling down the stairs
taking everything that's in it's way
apologize, i apologized to you

in and out
in and out, is what we'll do
i am stumbling after you
thank god you're here
lover in the red

grow it out
grow it out, you'll look divine
just a simple little line
and then we're done

i know that i really can't sing
especially when these words are useless
on and on, and on and on i go
my kingdom is slowly falling down the stairs
taking everything that's in it's way
apologize, i apologized to you

be proud, you finally made it
knock knock, baby answer the door
be late, i'm stuck in traffic
pushing the gas pedal down to the floor

wanna prove that i'll do it again

i got the nerve
ask me i dare
i've got the nerve
ask me it's true

assuming no

my kingdom is slowly falling down the stairs
taking everything that's in it's way
apologize, i apologized to you

why is it happening now?

vertyshka — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 02:15:34 GMT

this is a really terrible week to be having panic attacks and being so nervous and nauseous that i can't sleep.

):

i'm really scared.

really, really scared.

it ain't over - i'm not done

vertyshka — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 15:56:35 GMT

I thought I was done with panic attacks -- this shit is ridiculous.

I don't even know why I freaked out. Though I suppose it's understandable, and that it was probably just a physical reaction instead of an emotional one, I feel really awful for making him deal with that.

Now, this morning, I feel exhausted - both physically and mentally. I have an emotional hangover.

Decisions

vertyshka — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 14:13:08 GMT

What am I doing?

I feel like this isn't a great idea but I also feel like I'll regret it if I don't do it.

But it's still making me kind of sick to my stomach. I don't want to lose something good just because I'm insecure.

Also, how am I already steeped in drama?

I was out of your league

vertyshka — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 05:16:20 GMT

Ben: "We need to start a group."

Me: "A support group, yes."

Ben: "For fucked up people who can't accept affection and understand that just because it isn't constant, doesn't mean it isn't there."

vertyshka — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 05:50:25 GMT

I'm all soft lines and malleable angles. They don't fit the way they're supposed to, either; colors bleeding tentatively outside the curves -- protruding things I take a knife to, shaving away pieces of what ties me to ancestry. Let's just strive to become paintings, when colors stay within their brushstrokes.

It's why modern art makes no sense -- abandonment of form, beauty, structure, the things that make humans symmetrical, defining beauty as a conquest of flesh. a goal of skin.

but here's the thing :

i'm waiting for a call that will never come and a life that can't change because it's drawn inside a twisted paradigm. not my paradigm of course -- if this were true, the world would be a far more honest place, with contact direct and veins warm with love and fire water. but that's not the situation.

it remains a status of waiting and worrying, barely restrained paranoia and judgment that's supposed to be suspended and yet...i still criticize from within. i want you here. i want you with me.
i hate what we've become and what we couldn't be.
i hate that my lines are drawn by someone else.

Dream of Tangerines

vertyshka — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 03:29:07 GMT

So overall I was extremely unproductive today. I sat in Wanderer's Teahouse for four hours with my NSA book and read only 100 pages. Then I went home with every intention to keep reading, but instead ended up trolling Facebook and was utterly consumed with a desire to eat everything.

I will say that I know now exactly how The Master felt in The End of Time -- It's like I was eating everything but I was still so hungry it hurt. I'll venture a guess as to say that it's a very good thing Erin wasn't home because I probably would have absorbed her.

(And then I'd be Skeletor!Master, but let's ignore that for now, shall we?)

Magically, though, after I had a few pieces of chicken, the hunger mostly abated. Coincidence?

Anyway, now I'm probably going to waste my time finishing writing this entry, and then go to bed, wake up tomorrow to be even more unproductive.

I can literally see that 4.0 slipping farther and farther from my fingers.

/\

vertyshka — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 21:03:59 GMT

I think I'm changing into someone else. But I'm not sure how to stop it.

My support base is ... well, it's not around anymore. Physically or virtually, and...I'm doing things that I used to abhor, and I'm not so sure it's wrong.

This place is making me different.

First Time for Everything.

vertyshka — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 18:59:09 GMT

Well.

That was a crazy weekend.

:D

vertyshka — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 21:38:43 GMT

OK KIDS!

it is OFFICIALLY time for me to panic!

Something I wrote a long time ago. Something fictional. Something I forgot.

vertyshka — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 03:54:49 GMT

It's not the game you play. Rather, the way you play the game, poised to lose or win -- it's a seesaw. That is to say: Childish. A game you find on the playground, like tag, but with bricks for hands.

It's like this:

Abandon youth when you're young, only to seek it again when it's lost. Now, examining this logically, we'd say there's actually no such thing as youth, because of the "you don't know what you have until it's gone" adage. Youth is perceived, and in fact crafted from the minds of adults unhappy with the realization that adulthood is very...self-aware. By its very definition, true youth lacks awareness, and it's the realization of "I am young, therefore my time is limited...etc." that marks its loss. Youth is like...unicorns or humans with wings or double rainbows. Always desired but never attainable and always conjured after the fact.

But the point! What is the point! What point am I trying to make!

It's like this:

We play by rules, you agree. Regulations, social norms, assigned roles. There are games to teach us! For adults! Poking fun at the system they enforce!

"Put the toilet seat down."

"Wait for him to call you."

"He should always love you more than you love him."

Enough with the games. There are secrets, assumptions, lies, cults, churches, support groups, book clubs, charity organizations for those things. Treasurer, secretary, president, vice president -- elected by people who misunderstand the concept of authority on the basis of "I don't have to do it." Enough with games! Instead subscribe to the notion that perhaps there is no such thing as "true love" and "casual sex." We are all sociopaths. We are not as tied to ourselves as we think.

Still, this lacks purpose. Let's try again.

It's like this:

With age, I become less tied to the concept of after-life. At first it was eternity, then pearly gates, then rejection of my parents' concepts, then death/rebirth, then one-ness, then finality. And from that inevitable end erupts purpose, drive, winner-take-all...culminating in frenzied desperation. Will we look back to the present with similar reverence in an age that lacks artifacts?

Wikipedia is become the great library of Alexandria -- impervious to attack but from within, parsed in more languages than Babel. Either way, it's meaningless without source material.

It's like...

Well -- this.

I dislike games because I dislike what time I have being wasted -- the irony of which rests in the empty pocket of one-odd hour that it took me to sit down and write this. Eyes itching, toes cold, legs dangling off the edge of something empty. Nails uneven: a hallmark of procrastination. I eat away at myself. Because, I'm sure you agree, this is better than productivity. Than having to think about passing time. So much easier to let your eyes focus on the white and the clock go from five to thirty in the span of a paragraph. All in the service of escape. It's unpleasant, the games, the waiting, the tally of supporters and naysayers, the second-guessing, the affirmations, the self-doubts that come with higher brain function. The perceived thrill of nauseous uncertainty escapes me. But, I suppose that's a voyeuristic thing. People like being told stories.

So I divulge.

vertyshka — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 04:51:52 GMT

all of these folks
on the tv have their reasons

like you on your hill
consuming en masse with your buddies

every time i watch them all go by
i take in a breath and let out a sigh
i don't know how much of this i can handle
excuse me is my rant taking too long?
is it getting in the way of this lovely song?
just promise me that you'll never leave
i'd die if you leave me

when i was young
all of these things didn't matter
but now times have changed
and i wasn't paying attention

so fuck you and your mass media toys
that make being alive seem like a chore
i don't know how much of this i can handle
excuse me is my rant taking too long?
is it getting in the way of this lovely song?
just promise me that you'll never leave
i'd die if you leave me

So:

vertyshka — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 21:45:07 GMT

How are you?

where do icicles keep their money? --- IN A SNOWBANK!

vertyshka — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 11:40:15 GMT

wallpaper meme, taken from chironomia:
"anyone who looks at this entry has to post this meme and their current wallpaper on their livejournal.
explain in five sentences why you're using that wallpaper.
don't change your wallpaper before doing this. the point is to see what you had on."

- well, the thing about my wallpaper is that it constantly changes because i have it on a loop of photography/art from a folder.
- i like the excitement of minimizing my windows and seeing something new every couple of minutes
- yes, that is a "NIN" in the background.
- there's a really good photographer who will post enormous batches of art like this from pictures he's taken, always edited so that there will be a "NIN" somewhere in the photo, and i'm kind of a sap for that
- it reminds me of something very important: that no matter where i am, trent reznor will always find me

bravery

vertyshka — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 04:47:04 GMT

Be brave, be brave
A Mayan Pilot needs no aeroplane, be brave
Yeah, I refuse to fade into the grey of something trite
I'd give a lot of precious things to see you taking flight
The sand inside my glass is running thirty past the hour
I'd give a lot of precious things to have your simple power
Oh, if we meet, be brave, be brave,
The Mayan Pilot needs no aeroplane.

it is far too late to be writing one of these posts, as i have to be awake rather soon to drive to lansing

i left AV, which was sad but necessary in a way, as it is something i will always hold close to my heart as i think back to my first two years of college.

i feel like this is a very pivotal summer in that respect. very transitory. this summer marks the end of my time at UM-Dearborn, my time at The Limited, my years at Aternaville, my living at home. everything is going to change in a month, and while i'm excited i'm also a little nervous. which is natural, i know, and it's going to be a change for the better.

emotionally i'm not sure where i stand. well, i do but it's a matter of accepting it. i fear i'm being fickle or isolationist or just tired of waiting or accepting my capacity for tolerance as what it is. did that make sense? no? yeah me neither.

since leaving, i've been feeling really good about writing. i'm writing my own fiction for the first time in...god, it's got to be at least six years. i've reconnected with old characters and old friends, and there's inevitably going to be stress attached to that, but it's like Katt Williams says -- life is too short to care about what other muthafuckas think.

i really in all honesty did not intend to make this entry. i was just going to post some indie lyrics and then this bubbled up after it.

i leave you with a genius quote that some dear soul left me with on my icon journal:

"He really is an amazing man. He's super strong, super confident and he will KICK DOWN ANYONE IN HIS WAY. Thom + Headband = FREETHOM. Forget that cute little rabbity dude bouncing around on stage. This guy is a badass. He will fuck up your shit and then eat it.

. . .

I MEAN THAT IN THE SCARY WAY, NOT THE GROSS WAY."

vertyshka — Thu, 13 May 2010 00:33:05 GMT

i don't understand people who don't appreciate food. i also don't understand people who taunt other people for appreciating food.

that's all.

day one:

vertyshka — Wed, 12 May 2010 03:22:07 GMT

i spent my day today being an intern. i did a lot of polite smiling, a lot of running, a lot of stapling, a lot of being wet in the rain.

and you know what -- i absolutely loved it.

in all sincerity, though....there was one moment that absolutely made my day worth it:

the Lansing capitol building is its own block, pretty much. it has a huge expanse of lawn in front of it with a mini-spiderweb of sidewalks leading up to the main entrances under the stairs. across the street from the capitol is the HOB -- or House Office Building. this is where all of the MI representative offices are located as well as the HR/Finances/Business office on the 10th floor -- where we have to send or walk to get most of our documents from one place to the other.

on one of my three trips to the HOB today, i was crossing the street toward the building, and passed another woman who was crossing to get to the capitol. she was wearing a suit, like me, which indicates "professional" or "state employee" or "legislative assistant." generally someone with purpose. And we kind of looked at each other as we passed and we both smiled. i think she said something like "great weather, huh?" and I laughed and answered "i know, right?" and it was this weird moment of solidarity, because we both knew at that moment. we knew why we were both there and where we were going and that we weren't just two random people on the street. we were working in the capitol. we just...knew.

i don't think i've ever felt like i fit in anywhere the way i felt like i fit in in that environment

aa well um

vertyshka — Tue, 11 May 2010 04:02:03 GMT

School ended well -- i ... i did far better than i expected to. i got accepted to the university i'll be transferring to this fall and found a place to live in a quaint little house with green shutters and white columns and a roommate my sister's age who reminds me of a friend i used to have when i was young. my internship is starting tomorrow and i've packed myself a lunch.

lunch has become the reason for my continued existence. i've already planned thursday's.

anyway, things are going well. i had an excellent week of vacation following the end of school, but am happy to be at work again. i'm not particularly happy with the work i did over my vacation, sewing-wise. though i made several items none of them really were up to par with what i wanted them to be. i have to accept that i need to start actually measuring things and learn how to properly use all the attachments of my sewing machine but...

anyway:

today i worked in the morning, after which i took my first bike ride in years shakily down Gill Rd, and then proceeded to watch the first few episodes of an utterly contrived, generic, overdramatic korean romantic comedy/drama.

and it was beautiful.

other:
- it upsets me to think that i might have ruined my right shoulder for good, all because i'm too stubborn to give something up when i -know- it shouldn't be hurting that way.
- i love picnics

bedtime, my loves, i'll see you in 7 hours.

\\\

vertyshka — Wed, 05 May 2010 19:09:20 GMT

keep an eye out esmeralda, you are the one they've been looking for
they will hunt you down let me tell you
oh, they're in love they're in love they're in love

nice couple of days.