{"id":2161,"date":"2022-04-29T15:46:20","date_gmt":"2022-04-29T19:46:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/?page_id=2161"},"modified":"2022-04-30T18:32:09","modified_gmt":"2022-04-30T22:32:09","slug":"running","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/running\/","title":{"rendered":"Running"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221;][et_pb_text admin_label=&#8221;Text&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; text_font=&#8221;Advent Pro||||||||&#8221; text_text_color=&#8221;#000000&#8243;]<\/p>\n<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">Running<\/h1>\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center;\">Chad W. Lutz<\/h3>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=&#8221;1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; custom_margin=&#8221;||-2px|||&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;0px||0px|||&#8221;][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;0px|||||&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221;][et_pb_text _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; text_font=&#8221;Josefin Slab||||||||&#8221; text_text_color=&#8221;#000000&#8243; text_font_size=&#8221;16px&#8221; text_line_height=&#8221;1em&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;|0px|0px|0px||&#8221;]<\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mile One<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cA hundred years is a long time,\u201d I say. \u201cA long time.\u201d<br \/><\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 A rusty sedan drives by, leaves the odor of sulfur in its wake. I leap out of the way and over a puddle the size of Lake Erie and then settle back onto Van Buren along the curb.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s a goal,\u201d Mom replies. \u201cLike seeing you married to a nice, young woman.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I hear her words, and have always hoped the best for her \u2014 even her silly milestone \u2014 but nobody lives forever.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cI will,\u201d she says, proudly, and tosses me a narrowed glance.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Two bare-headed bikers ride pedal-to-pedal in the middle of the road, with their dogs trailing on twisted leashes behind them.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t know how you do it,\u201d one of the bikers calls out.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cLikewise,\u201d I shout back and wave as we turn the corner up the block and cross over to Lincoln moving quick and steady. Mom leads the way.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cLike I was saying,\u201d she says, \u201cI was talking to Debra about your master\u2019s degree and I said, \u2018We\u2019re very proud of him\u2014\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201c\u2014<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">her<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201c<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Her?<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201c<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Her<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cRight. \u2018We\u2019re very proud of <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">her<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and everything <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">she<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> does.\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A small silence passes between us as we hang a right onto Washington. The sputter of a sprinkler system greets us; a lawnmower growls to life.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cWhy can\u2019t you ever get my pronouns right?\u201d I ask and hop over a pothole the size of Crater Lake, panting. Mom breathes evenly.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cJaso-\u2026<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ashley<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, I\u2019m doing the best I can,\u201d she says and sighs.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cI feel like you care more about the person you want me to be than who I am.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 She smiles like she understands.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 She nods like this is everything.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Then, she opens her mouth as her watch beeps and says, \u201cThat\u2019s a mile.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cA mile?\u201d I ask. \u201cWe\u2019ve only gone a mile?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Mom, who\u2019s five-eight, one-forty, says \u201cI thought you\u2019ve been running. Out of juice already?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cNo, and I have been running. I just don\u2019t normally go this fast.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 We lope down Washington like ghosts in a graveyard until it dead-ends at Pierce by the Walgreens. Up ahead, in the distance, is the lonely spire of a large, Victorian brick building.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Mom points and says, \u201cOnce around city hall. Then we\u2019ll head back.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t want to head back,\u201d I tell her. \u201cI agreed to come on this run so we could work things out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cNot ready to head back?\u201d she says, \u201cWe can keep going; I don\u2019t mind.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cYou know that\u2019s not what I mean.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 She picks up speed and says, \u201cWell, I can never tell with you, you know? It\u2019s boy one day and girl another. Back and forth, flip-flop; that\u2019s all you ever do.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 I want to say, \u201cHey, that\u2019s unfair,\u201d but the words never leave my mouth.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Mom, with her perfect hair and her timeless complexion, says, \u201cI\u2019m just glad you don\u2019t go by they\/them\/this, or whatever that fad was, anymore. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mom takes a hard right around the flag pole at the giant brick city center. I follow her as she leads us through a small gauntlet of police cruisers and city vehicles before heading back onto Washington amid its rows and rows of maples.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m doing the best I can,\u201d she says and picks up the pace. \u201cI\u2019m doing the best I can.\u201d<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/><\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mile Two<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A woman, who looks like Scarlet Johansson, out walking her dog, waves as we run past.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cYou see that person?\u201d I ask. \u201cWhat\u2019s the first thing you think of when you see a person like that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cLike what?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cI mean, what do you think of them? Describe them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cWell,\u201d Mom says, \u201cI think she looks anxious.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201c<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">She<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">She<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">! You think <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">she<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> looks anxious. Don\u2019t you get it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cListen,\u201d Mom tells me, and looks back over her shoulder, maybe watching for traffic, maybe watching for me. She says, \u201cI know it\u2019s been hard for you, and I wanna help, but I\u2019m afraid I just don\u2019t know how.\u201d <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We approach a four-way stop and Mom slows for traffic. We sidle up the shoulder toward the flashing red lights and hang a right onto Roosevelt without stopping.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Mom\u2019s chest rises and falls. \u201cYou\u2019ve got to run against traffic,\u201d she says, \u201cOtherwise they won\u2019t see you.\u201d <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And I think to myself I know the feeling. But right now, with the sun rising and rush hour traffic just setting in, I\u2019d rather get hit by a car than let anyone see me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cAll I want is for you to acknowledge me.\u201d On the verge of tears, my voice trembles as I say, \u201cAcknowledge me for who I am.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Mom stops. We stop. The world stops, turning. Standing face-to-face, I and the woman who gave birth to me study one another, measure our next moves.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A Jeep blasts past and blares its throaty horn.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cFreak!\u201d the driver yells and tosses something out their passenger-side window. Green smoothie covers my shoes. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mom, with the power to make me whole again, says, \u201cNever mind them,\u201d and puts an arm around my shoulder. She says, \u201cWe\u2019ll clean your shoes when we get home.\u201d <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Her watch beeps. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cThat\u2019s two,\u201d she says, and taps at the watch\u2019s small screen. She nods my way, a question more than a gesture.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cShall we?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cWe can\u2019t keep running,\u201d I tell her.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cSure we can,\u201d she says, \u201cThe house is just over yonder,\u201d and she plots the way we came with her fingers. \u201cUnless you want to add a few more on; jog over to the graveyard. Won\u2019t live to be a hundred years if I don\u2019t get extra miles in.\u201d She laughs, but I don\u2019t. What I want to do is wallop her upside the head.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cI want you at the wedding,\u201d I tell her. \u201cIt would feel wrong not having you there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cJason, honey, I know this is a big deal for you, and I\u2019d never want to take anything away from that, but it\u2019s a big deal for me, too, for different reasons, and I think you\u2019re being a little selfish.\u201d Mom turns left at a fork in the road. The road cuts up the development next to ours and out toward the cemetery.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The distant rumble of thunder interrupts the blue sky.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/><\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mile Three<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Rain falls like the beginning of a good cry as we pass through the cemetery gates. Marble and granite tombs signal our arrival. Blackbirds mourn our presence. They throw their heads back and cackle.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Go back<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, these birds say. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Go back<\/span><\/i> <i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">before it\u2019s too late<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Rustling leaves ride the wind in and out of sun-bleached wreaths and torn, idle flags. Mom and I zigzag up the first hill, down around the small field, and back to the gates. The whole loop is a mile. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Halfway through, still huffing and puffing, I notice a familiar sycamore tree and an even more familiar gravestone with a chubby angel-looking thing staring optimistically toward the sky.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cIsn\u2019t Grandpa buried over there?\u201d I ask as we run past, but Mom, only sees what she wants to see. She says, \u201cYour guess is as good as mine.\u201d and keeps hoofing, picks up speed, lowers her shoulders.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Her watch beeps, and she says, \u201cThat\u2019s three.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cThe wedding is tomorrow,\u201d I remind her, and speed up to keep pace with her for the first time the entire run.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 We make the final turn toward the small field and the gates that lie beyond.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cWe can go back,\u201d she says, \u201cI have no problem with that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 I pant and pant, trying my best to keep up, but Mom, she only gets faster. The rains pick up, too, and suddenly the frail blue of the sky turns black, and we turn like we\u2019re going back, but Mom, who once gave me a kiss for my birthday, she takes a right instead of a left and leads us out, up, and over the hill toward city hall.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cTwice around,\u201d she says.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 And I say, \u201cNo,\u201d but she doesn\u2019t hear me. Doesn\u2019t hear me or doesn\u2019t care. Doesn\u2019t care or couldn\u2019t care.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 But, I dare. I ask, \u201cWhy do you always have to do things the hard way?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 And she says, \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 And I say, \u201cYou\u2019re sixty-seven, you run four miles a day, and you haven\u2019t taken a day off in thirty years.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Thunder claps, despite there being nothing to applaud. A neon fork of lightning tines the sky. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mom, with her mascara on point and her hair as blonde as the day she was born, says, \u201cAt least I\u2019m consistent,\u201d and turns her nose up at me. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">She goes, \u201cIf you\u2019d just settle down and stop chasing these silly dreams of yours you\u2019d probably feel better about yourself. You might even accept yourself as the man you are.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cBut, I\u2019m not a man!\u201d I shout. \u201cI\u2019m not a man or a woman! I\u2019m your son, your daughter, your whatever! I just want to be loved! Don\u2019t you understand that? All I want is for you to act like you care.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry, but it\u2019s a dead issue,\u201d she says and speeds up.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cMom!\u201d I shout, but she\u2019s so far ahead now, I can\u2019t hear her footsteps any longer. She\u2019s so far ahead I can\u2019t reach her. She rounds the final corner around city hall with me trailing about a half-mile behind. The distance between us grows greater and greater with every stride.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cGod (huff huff) damnit (huff huff), Mom. Just (huff huff) slow down!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 I make the same turn onto Washington, in the direction of home \u2014 home terrible no good very bad home \u2014 but when I pass through the cobbled archway and wrought-iron gates and into the street I stop.\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">From a quarter-mile up the road comes the sound of Mom, screaming her head off.\u00a0<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/><\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mile Four<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A middle-aged man digging his own grave scrambles to finish mowing his yard \u2014 a small, quarter-acre plot \u2014before the lightning and thunder. It isn\u2019t supposed to storm, but I wasn\u2019t supposed to change my sex, or change the name I got from my grandfather, but it happened, and, because of this, I\u2019m ready for the bright, spider-legged bolts to streak across the sky and the awful clapping of thunder to follow.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cYou can\u2019t just run out into traffic,\u201d the officer says, as I slow to a trot and stop. \u201cAlmost caused an accident.\u201d The rain picks up and up, and, soon, all we can hear are its rhythms. It rains so hard it practically leaps from the ground.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cHandcuffs for running in front of a car?\u201d I ask, suddenly aware of my sopping-wet clothes.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cAlmost caused an accident,\u201d the officer shouts above the torrents. He shrugs his spindly shoulders and opens the car door to his idling cruiser.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Mom, whose mantra is knowing when to quit, says things like, \u201cI have my rights!\u201d and \u201cThis is my life we\u2019re talking about here!\u201d but the cop doesn\u2019t listen, doesn\u2019t listen or doesn\u2019t care, doesn\u2019t care or couldn\u2019t care, because Mom, who taught me to obey authority, she spits on the ground at the cop\u2019s feet and laughs when it lands on its target and slowly slides off his boot to the asphalt in the rain.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cKeep it up,\u201d the cop says.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Mom, who preaches level-headed behavior in stressful situations, says, \u201cGet bent,\u201d but I stop her right there.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 I say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d an apology that feels empty leaving my lips, but the officer, tall by all accounts, glares down at me and grunts.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cYou know how many times I\u2019ve heard that argument? People say, \u2018Please! Please! It\u2019s not how it looks!\u2019 Or, \u2018I\u2019m just having a bad day.\u2019\u201d He laughs to himself, adjusts his badge, straightens his hat. \u201cIf you see this badge, odds are you\u2019re having a bad day.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s not even remotely true,\u201d I tell him. \u201cAnd if there were so many cars involved, where are they?\u201d A quick sweep of the street produces nothing but an empty intersection.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cListen, ma\u2019am. I know you\u2019re only running, but what just happened is reckless and dangerous and regardless of how harmless it may seem, you just can\u2019t run all over the place doing whatever you want. People get hurt.\u201d He smiles shamelessly, the way teachers do when their young students get it. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I swallow hard, understanding what happens next shapes the entire makeup of my relationship with this narrative. I think about all the years she\u2019s been avoiding me since I came out. I remember she stood up and walked out the door without a word and didn\u2019t come back for three hours. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">She\u2019s standing in front of me, with the rain pouring down and her hands in cuffs, being led into the back of a police vehicle.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cMaybe some rules aren\u2019t meant to be followed,\u201d I say, as the officer puts his hand on her head and lowers her into the car. \u201cMaybe we just do the best we can, and at the end of the day, if getting cited for jaywalking is the worst that happens to us, maybe that\u2019s a win. Maybe we get exactly what we need without even realizing it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s a great speech, kid,\u201d the officer says. \u201cBut this was a little more than jaywalking. Now stand aside so I can close the door.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The door closes and, Mom, who will always be my hero, says, \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d and, while I can\u2019t hear the words leave her mouth because of the rain, I can see her lips move and that\u2019s good enough. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The driver door slams shut and the car idles while the officer reports the situation. I stand outside the car. An avalanche of rain falls like boulders on my head and shoulders. Inside the car is Mom with her head hanging and a twisted look of dejection and embarrassment on her face. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I tap on the glass and say, \u201cMom,\u201d but she won\u2019t look at me.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Again, I say, \u201cMom,\u201d but she doesn\u2019t acknowledge me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cMom,\u201d I plead.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The cop says, \u201cLet\u2019s get this show on the road,\u201d and suddenly it\u2019s me in the car, has been me the entire time.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The car shifts into gear, bound for the giant brick city center; I\u2019m in the backseat on charges of reckless endangerment, a Class-A misdemeanor of the first degree. Rain splatters the windshield as we pick up speed.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s funny,\u201d I say watching my hometown speed by through the barred windows. \u201cAll Mom ever wanted was to see me married and to live a hundred years.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s funny about that?\u201d the cop asks.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cMom hasn\u2019t been alive for years,\u201d I tell him. \u201cThe only person who\u2019ll be missing from the wedding tomorrow is me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221;][et_pb_text _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; text_font=&#8221;Josefin Slab||||||||&#8221; text_text_color=&#8221;#000000&#8243; text_font_size=&#8221;16px&#8221;]<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><strong>Chad W. Lutz<\/strong> is a speedy, bi-polar, non-binary writer born in Akron, Ohio, in 1986, and raised in the neighboring suburb of Stow. They graduated from Kent State University with their BA in English in 2008 and from Mills College in Oakland, California, with their MFA in Creative Writing in 2018. Their first book, <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">For the Time Being<\/span> (2020), is currently available through<\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/j.new\/\"> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">J.New<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Books.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=&#8221;1_3,1_3,1_3&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; custom_margin=&#8221;|auto|-100px|auto||&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;0px||0px|||&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;1_3&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;<a href=\"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Color-Print-Logo-with-full-text-1.jpg&#038;#8221\">https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Color-Print-Logo-with-full-text-1.jpg&#038;#8221<\/a>; title_text=&#8221;Color-Print-Logo-with-full-text-1&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; positioning=&#8221;relative&#8221; vertical_offset=&#8221;50px&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=&#8221;1_3&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221;][et_pb_image src=&#8221;<a href=\"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/ncwn-logo.jpg&#038;#8221\">https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/ncwn-logo.jpg&#038;#8221<\/a>; title_text=&#8221;ncwn-logo&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; positioning=&#8221;relative&#8221; vertical_offset=&#8221;50px&#8221;][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=&#8221;1_3&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221;][et_pb_signup provider=&#8221;mailpoet&#8221; mailpoet_list=&#8221;Variant Literature|3&#8243; title=&#8221;Subscribe to our Newsletter&#8221; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; form_field_background_color=&#8221;#000000&#8243; form_field_text_color=&#8221;#FFFFFF&#8221; header_text_align=&#8221;center&#8221; header_text_color=&#8221;#000000&#8243; background_color=&#8221;#FFFFFF&#8221; custom_button=&#8221;on&#8221; button_text_color=&#8221;#000000&#8243; button_bg_color=&#8221;#FFFFFF&#8221; button_border_width=&#8221;6px&#8221; button_border_color=&#8221;#000000&#8243; button_border_radius=&#8221;20px&#8221;][\/et_pb_signup][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221; custom_padding=&#8221;81px||4px|||&#8221;][et_pb_column type=&#8221;4_4&#8243; _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221;][et_pb_text _builder_version=&#8221;4.9.10&#8243; _module_preset=&#8221;default&#8221;]<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>\u00a9 Variant Literature Inc 2021<\/em><\/p>\n<p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Running Chad W. LutzMile One \u201cA hundred years is a long time,\u201d I say. \u201cA long time.\u201d\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 A rusty sedan drives by, leaves the odor of sulfur in its wake. I leap out of the way and over a puddle the size of Lake Erie and then settle back onto Van [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":159740902,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"<p>[et_pb_section fb_built=\"1\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\"][et_pb_row _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\"][et_pb_column type=\"4_4\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\"][et_pb_text _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\" text_font=\"Advent Pro||||||||\" text_text_color=\"#000000\"]<\/p><h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">Conspiracies in Fatherhood<\/h1><h3 style=\"text-align: center;\">Kayla Jessop<\/h3><p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=\"1\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\" custom_margin=\"||-2px|||\" custom_padding=\"0px||0px|||\"][et_pb_row _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\" custom_padding=\"0px|||||\"][et_pb_column type=\"4_4\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\"][et_pb_text _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\" text_font=\"Josefin Slab||||||||\" text_text_color=\"#000000\" text_font_size=\"16px\" text_line_height=\"1em\" custom_padding=\"|0px||0px||\"]<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I wonder if it wasn\u2019t for the alcohol and drugs or my father dropping out of the eighth grade if he would have been someone more worthwhile in his life\u2014had an education, a career. Perhaps a professor of theory, the type of professor who wears a crisp, clean suit with equally clean dress shoes and only lectures with speech and movements in his hands, the whiteboard behind him left blank with no sign markings.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Years ago, in a phone conversation during one of his every-few-month check-ins, my father spent 25 minutes explaining his beliefs: Bush was responsible for 9\/11, the water is polluted with mind-controlling chemicals, and the government spies on us by hacking our phone cameras and microphones. He even voiced his concern that Big Brother is tapping everything from computers to shower drains to spy on Americans.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cAnd that\u2019s why I don\u2019t like talking on the phone,\u201d he concluded after I briefly and <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">naively asked why he hasn\u2019t been using the prepaid phone. I\u2019d purchased it for him and sent it to <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">his friend of a friend\u2019s house because there are no mailboxes in the middle of the woods, far from <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">civilization, where he was living in a tent.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 This is how my father likes to live: he is a self-proclaimed homeless man in a bougie <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">California county, free of Big Brother and unwanted chemicals. He doesn\u2019t have to pay bills, <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">doesn\u2019t have his children and a family to provide for, can partake in all the drugs he wants, and <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">never has to face expectations and realities. He eats at the local homeless shelter, survives off whatever he wants to steal and can get away with. The only government he deals with is the <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">authorities, who arrest him frequently.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 In a different world, one far stretched from this reality, I imagine a classroom of freshmen and sophomore college students, bright-faced and engaged in my father\u2019s lecture for his course centered on conspiracies of the 21st century. On the first day, he would walk to the front of the class with his brown hair styled in a stiff gel, wearing a tailored suit and matching tie. He\u2019d introduce himself as \u201cDr. Bradley Jacoby\u201d but insist his students only refer to him as \u201cDr. Bradley\u201d because he\u2019ll think it makes him more approachable. My father would pass out a detailed syllabus: contact information, course expectations, a weekly calendar with each conspiracy lined up. He\u2019d have students go around the room, introducing their name and major, <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">and add what their favorite conspiracy is. The students would leave the classroom feeling interested and excited for their semester with him.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 In one of our recent check-ins, I learned that my father\u2019s current favorite conspiracy theory is that the Mayans quite literally knew everything: their own demise, Doomsday, and so much more.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cThey inspired the Simpsons, ya know?\u201d he asked, prompting me to engage. \u201cI don\u2019t know about that, but sure,\u201d I responded. I never argue with him\u2014or try to derail his rant to talk about something more serious\u2014because he never budges. He\u2019ll answer my question regarding his well-being in an obligated, \u201cI have to answer her or she\u2019ll nag\u201d tone, and then quickly return to explaining the nuances of the newest obsession.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cNo. Seriously, princess. It\u2019s in the video called \u2018Mayans Know Everything.\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 I repeat it in my head over and over, wanting to watch it just to feel closer to him despite not being into conspiracy theories. I do my best trying to make the name stick, afraid I\u2019ll lose it <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">forever. There won\u2019t be a call back soon after this one, and if there is, he won\u2019t answer. In our next phone call in a few months or a year, I won\u2019t remember to ask him about the title of a YouTube video, and even if I did, one of the many drugs he\u2019ll take between now and then will make him forget about it. I give a simple \u201cyeah\u201d and \u201cmhmm\u201d to let him know I\u2019m still here, semi-listening as he goes on to say that the video is 20 minutes long and gives a brief history of their civilization, the events they predicted, and how each conspiracy was right, each time.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cWhen did you watch it?\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cOh, right before I went back to jail a few months ago,\u201d he says. His voice is enthusiastic, <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">enlightened that I indulged him in more than a simple \u201cyes\u201d or \u201cokay.\u201d I wasn\u2019t always this way <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">with him: I used to be engaged, more excited to speak with him, but after five years of sleepless <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">nights worrying about him in California, anticipating a phone call or text from him that never <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">came, I began to be less enthusiastic about his check-ins. There was something about hearing that his obsession was useless theories, rather than me, made me tune out.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Each time we spoke our focus was only on him. For our first few long-distance conversations, this was more than enough for me\u2014my ever-growing curiosity about him never let me realize how one-sided it was. The only times I was able to talk about myself, giving him details of my life, was when I could interrupt him long enough or if he said something I could connect my own life to. But those moments were rare, and even when they did happen, he always changed the conversation faster than I had interrupted. After multiple calls, when my frustration formed into more disappointment, I asked him once if he didn\u2019t care to know about life on this side of the coast. He ignored my question and continued talking about California.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 I had known from records that this stint in jail had been his longest in a year\u2014the entire spring season. Not only was it the longest stint, but it was different from his other countless arrests: loitering, petty theft, failure to appear in court, probation violation, or the most frequent of his crimes\u2014possession of drugs and other paraphernalia.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Back at the college, my father would have spent the spring semester lost in conferencing <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">with students, grading essays, updating his attendance sheets, and lesson planning for his next <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">conspiracy lecture in his office, shared with some other professor in the department.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 His spring classes would be filled with students, all eager to feed their curiosity and distrust for the government and the world they inhabit. They would raise their hands to ask questions about non-relative theories, trying to get him off-topic. And they would succeed, making less room for theory and more space for opinions and long rants. He\u2019d try to reel the students back in by bringing up the text they were supposed to read, but would be too excited to continue and would bounce back to the conversation they were having. He was always easy to distract, long before his current state.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 In the faculty lounge, on my father\u2019s lunch break, a nameless professor would mention to <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">him that they share a student and comment about how his class sounds like so much fun. He would sit and eat his microwaved leftovers and discuss his newest lecture with breathy, fragmented details about the Mayans as all-knowing beings.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Maybe if he taught at the same college that I attended during my graduate school career, <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">we would go to school functions together: football games, spirit days, events held on the <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">main lawn. When we would arrive together, walking side by side, we'd be deep in <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">conversation about our classes. If one of his students saw him, they would approach him to say<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cHi, Dr. Bradley,\u201d and he would introduce me proudly. They would already know more about me than they could dream about learning because of how often he talks about me in his <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">class: my favorite color, my major and career goals, my childhood stuffed animal\u2019s name, and the way I tease him about his conspiracy beliefs regarding aliens. They would know how great of a father he is\u2014assuming correctly that he was present, supportive, and caring about his daughter. He would never boast about it, though. He\u2019d be humble and shy if anyone complimented our great relationship. If my own classmates came to say hello to me, I would introduce him proudly too, unembarrassed that my father teaches here. The way they would make \u201co\u2019s\u201d with their mouths and say \u201cI had no idea your father was a professor,\u201d in shock, would make us both laugh.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 And yet, my father spent his spring on someone else's time being told when to wake up, to eat, to shower, and to make collect calls. Instead of business casual clothes, he wore a bright orange jumpsuit that was too baggy for his small, thin frame. There were no offices shared by professors, only cells with cellmates. Instead of heating leftovers, he had cold, mushy <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">food on a dirty tray.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cSo, what happened?\u201d I asked. I had known the charges from the public booking log, a log I consistently looked at between check-ins: assault with a deadly weapon, great bodily injury, a hate crime that was dropped upon going to trial, possession, and failure to comply with probation. I had found out about the rest as I always do when I haven\u2019t heard from him for months at a time: random checks on the booking log\u2019s site to see if he was locked up. If he was locked up, at least I knew where he was. I knew he was somewhat safe, confined by four walls and guards 24\/7. The times at which the site had no registered inmate by his name, my search became darker\u2013calling local hospitals and morgues, asking if they had a man that had specific tattoos and features. Sometimes they had someone who fit my father\u2019s description, other times there wasn\u2019t anyone with those features. Each time, my stomach was filled with dread for the unknown.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cI beat the shit out of an asshole,\u201d he calmly said, never trying to filter his words.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cFor what?\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cHe fucking rushed me and my friend while we were walking across the street. They had <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">crutches, couldn't walk fast.\u201d His voice was deep and raspy, elevating to a higher pitch with each additional cuss word added to the sentence. I mumbled an \u201cmhmm\u201d to ensure he knew I was still there as he continued to retell the event. As a sensitive twenty-two-year-old, it\u2019s hard for me to listen to his graphic storytelling. I\u2019ve always been this way, and the years that he\u2019s been separated from my existence have not made me build a tolerance to his mouth.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cSo, I told him to shut the fuck up or I\u2019d beat his ass,\u201d he said.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cYou could have just kept walking and ignored him, ya know?\u201d I trod lightly, <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">remembering from the last phone call we had, many months earlier, that when I tried to be a voice of reason we got into an argument about parental roles: me, trying to mother him by criticizing him, and him never being a true parent or knowing how parenting works. I wouldn\u2019t risk having more sleepless nights in which I replay our fighting words to each other, wondering if I should have been nicer, worrying that the argument would be our last conversation.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cNo, that\u2019s not how it works out here,\u201d he said, matter of factly.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cThen what happened?\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 He went on to explain that he and the man\u2014 a person of color, a fact only noted by <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">my father\u2019s racist, offensive terminology\u2014yelled in the street, each threatening and provoking the other. The man took the first hit, punching him in the head, which led Bradley to shove him and hit him back. They did this for several moments, wrestling on the concrete until Bradley took the crutch and hit the man over the head.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cHis fucking skull cracked! I literally heard it. It was like a\u2026\u201d He imitated the sound of a <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">crack with his mouth. I shuttered, thinking of the man who was probably having a long day, <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">unknowingly grunting at the mess of Bradley. \u201cBy the time the cops came, he was just about dead and everyone was recording,\u201d he continued.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cDid he die?\u201d I asked, not sure if I wanted the answer. The charges on his roster weren\u2019t specific, though they never said murder, so I supposed that was a good sign.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cNo, but the lawyers said he was in the hospital in a coma for a few weeks,\u201d he laughs.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 An actual laugh\u2014the type that began in his stomach, deep and heavy. My stomach was in knots. <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I sent up a silent prayer for the stranger.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cEveryone recorded the fight? That\u2019s what you mean?\u201d<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cHell yeah! It was right outside of Burger King. Shit\u2019s probably on YouTube too,\u201d he said. He sounded proud of himself.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 In his next lecture, my father would have shown the video of \u201cMayans Know Everything\u201d to his students, pausing at critical moments to make comments. He would ask students how they felt about it, trying to provoke class participation. If he didn\u2019t forget due to excitement about the video, he would also discuss each Simpsons scene that depicted a moment that the Mayans supposedly predicted. He would blush each time the show said something crude, embarrassed by any foul language. He never was one to use curse words and didn\u2019t allow students to either. Despite the embarrassment he felt by the Simpsons, it would be both his and his students\u2019 favorite class of the week\u2014students excited to only watch videos in class, especially the funny clips. Of course, as they usually do, he and his students would get off-topic, finding more and more unrelated content to explore and share opinions on.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 After we said goodbye on the phone\u2014with a promise that he would call back tomorrow even though we both knew he wouldn\u2019t\u2014I tried to search for the Mayans video on YouTube with no luck. I tried different combinations: The-Mayans-Know-Everything, What-the-Mayans-Knew, Mayans-Predicted-Everything, and more. Each search fell flat with only history clips, documentaries about their way of life, and theories about their disappearance. After YouTube became a failure I tried other search engines, but it all ended the same. There was no video. Perhaps in his drug-induced state he made the information up, hallucinating each prediction or \u201cfact.\u201d Or maybe, like most things in our relationship, I had given up on looking.<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 When I had enough of searching aimlessly, watching the wrong videos, I searched for the next YouTube video we discussed: the fight. If there really were crowds of people with their phone cameras glued to the action, surely someone had posted it. Again, I did every combination possible: Two-Homeless-Men-Fight-Outside-of-Burger-King, Fight-Outside-of-Burger-King, Burger-King-Fight-In-California, Man-Gets-Hit-With-Crutch-Outside-of-Burger-King, Man\u2019s-Skull-Cracked-Burger-King-California. All useless searches, even for Google. There was nothing about it\u2014no videos or news articles, no public record other than Bradley\u2019s arrest. It was like either it didn\u2019t happen or no one cared enough about the homeless man attacking an unarmed person of color.<\/span><\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 At the end of the semester, in the comment section of their course evaluations, students will say he was \u201cthe best professor ever,\u201d \u201cnever missed a class and was always on time,\u201d and \u201creally cared about his students.\u201d They\u2019ll praise his passion, his work ethic, and so much more. They\u2019ll rave about how entertaining his class was for them. The same students would register for his classes next semester, wanting to be in his ever-entertaining presence as he discusses new theories and constructs more wild tales. His previous students\u2014ones who didn\u2019t register for his class in time before it filled to capacity\u2014will wave him down each time they see him on campus to say hello and ask him about new conspiracy theories. They\u2019ll tell him about theories they researched outside of his class. He\u2019d already know about them but would listen diligently, asking them for more details to show his interest. On days our schedule would allow we\u2019d meet for lunch on campus. He would walk into the dining hall, smiling and gritty, and boast about how much he loves teaching and his students. I\u2019d tell him he was a great professor, the best one of all time. Afterward, he would take time to ask me about my day, the course evaluations I filled out, and things going on in my life since he last saw me hours ago for breakfast. I would tell him in detail because more than a father, he\u2019s a friend, too. When I said all I could say, I would sit back in my chair and admire the man before me: an established academic, a loving father, a supportive community member.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Occasionally, on lonely nights, after checking booking logs and various California news sites until my tired eyes can\u2019t focus, I\u2019ll look for Mayans and the fight on Google and YouTube with no changes in availability. I repeat the title over and over in my head still, even though I know I won\u2019t remember to ask him about the video in our next phone call because there will be a new arrest to get the details on, moments of his life I missed out on, and a new theory that must be explored.<\/span><\/p><p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\"][et_pb_column type=\"4_4\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\"][et_pb_text _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\" text_font=\"Josefin Slab||||||||\" text_text_color=\"#000000\" text_font_size=\"16px\" hover_enabled=\"0\" sticky_enabled=\"0\"]<\/p><p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><strong>Kayla Jessop<\/strong> is a graduate of the Masters of Art in Writing program at Coastal Carolina University. Her creative nonfiction has been published in <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tempo<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">,<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Harpur Palate<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Broad River Review<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You Might Need To Hear This<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lindenwood Review<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and is forthcoming in other literary magazines. She does her best writing while sitting in coffee shops and daydreaming about possibilities. In her free time, when she\u2019s not teaching, she enjoys cross-stitching and watching New Girl.<\/span><\/p><p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=\"1_3,1_3,1_3\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\" custom_margin=\"|auto|-100px|auto||\" custom_padding=\"0px||0px|||\"][et_pb_column type=\"1_3\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\"][et_pb_image src=\"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Color-Print-Logo-with-full-text-1.jpg\" title_text=\"Color-Print-Logo-with-full-text-1\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\" positioning=\"relative\" vertical_offset=\"50px\"][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=\"1_3\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\"][et_pb_image src=\"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/ncwn-logo.jpg\" title_text=\"ncwn-logo\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\" positioning=\"relative\" vertical_offset=\"50px\"][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=\"1_3\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\"][et_pb_signup provider=\"mailpoet\" mailpoet_list=\"Variant Literature|3\" title=\"Subscribe to our Newsletter\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\" form_field_background_color=\"#000000\" form_field_text_color=\"#FFFFFF\" header_text_align=\"center\" header_text_color=\"#000000\" background_color=\"#FFFFFF\" custom_button=\"on\" button_text_color=\"#000000\" button_bg_color=\"#FFFFFF\" button_border_width=\"6px\" button_border_color=\"#000000\" button_border_radius=\"20px\"][\/et_pb_signup][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\" custom_padding=\"81px||4px|||\"][et_pb_column type=\"4_4\" _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\"][et_pb_text _builder_version=\"4.9.10\" _module_preset=\"default\"]<\/p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em>\u00a9 Variant Literature Inc 2021<\/em><\/p><p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>","_et_gb_content_width":"","_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","_crdt_document":"","advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-2161","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/PdfuLj-yR","amp_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/2161","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/159740902"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2161"}],"version-history":[{"count":18,"href":"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/2161\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2402,"href":"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/2161\/revisions\/2402"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/variantlit.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2161"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}