House Of Waffles

I JUST WANT TO BE A REAL BOY

muzzle_ — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 02:16:58 GMT

Alright the inspiration for a story struck late, but i think you'll enjoy the story of...

Hepatocyte Boy!

In a time long forgotten, in a galaxy far, far away... there was an old butcher named Stabpetto. Stabpetto was an old man and had lived a long, full life, but there was one thing he always wanted- A son. You see, Stabpetto, though verile and promiscuous in his younger years, was sterile. He was married to a lovely lady many years ago but she had passed on in some would call the most horrific fire his village had ever seen! Stabpetto still to this day cursed the name of the dragon that stayed at the inn and had a terrible snoring problem. But alas, nothing he did brought back his wife, and they had many long and happy years together so her memories, though sometimes upsetting, were in the end happy ones.

His wife's passing, however, just fueled his want for a son- something to help fill the loneliness brought on by the many years past. But he was but a butcher, and in his advanced age, growing slightly senile and a bit eccentric. One day he was sitting on the table and a cricket chirped at him from across his place at said table. Being old and a bit cookoo, he had a bout of delirium and thought the cricket spoke. "Good evening kind sir, I am Jermaine T Crickerpotter. I couldn't help but notice how woeful you have been and the longing for a son! But kind sir, the answer is all around you! You are surrounded by the very building blocks of life! Why not, in your infinite knowledge of butchery, MAKE yourself a son? The adoption process is far too long and involving, and you are terrifically old. The agency would never okay you to foster someone else's flesh." "BY golly you are right, talking cricket!" "Jermaine" "Yes, Jeremy, yes! I will MAKE myself a boy from the best meats available! I will have a son!"

The old butcher worked long into the week crafting and... meat-ing. and.. whatever butchers do, only in reverse. Soon, he was finished! His work was complete, and he would have a real son! He stepped back from his masterpiece, his life's opus, and spoke- "Hepatocyte, my son! Wake up! your father wishes to.. MEAT.. you! Ha ha, i still got it". But no reply. For Stabpetto, in all his Butchery knowledge, did not know neurosurgery and could not get his son's brain to function. It also didn't help that the boy was completely made of liver. Livers of all sorts of animals (including the White Goat. You Vaudun people know what i mean).

Stabpetto sat in his chair, dissapointed and exhausted. He put his life, his soul, into the creation of his livery son and, much like the rest of his life, had not much to show for it. His hands over his face, he wept at his seat. "Criminy, old man, your work was for naught-" Stabpetto smashed the talking cricket with a meat tenderizer and continued to weep. His plight moved the tears of a passing faerie, she had a green glow with a green dress and a crooked nose with a bit if a haunch back. Stabpetto was taken aback, for this hideous glowing thing was in his house "rob me, kill me, whatever you wish, for my life has no meaning anymore" "Oh you poor senile old codger, i have not come to molest you, but to help you! I see your sadness, and I wish to make your dream come true. I will give life to your meaty son'. she waved a wand and suddenly Hepatocyte was standing, blinking his half cow, half deer eyes in the glow of the faerie. "What happened? what is going on?" he asked. "OH SON! Thank you green hideous lady, thank you!" "Be careful, however, for he will stay as he is until he proves himself worthy of becoming human flesh and bone!" "Oh we will not let you down" he said as he hugged his slimey organ meat son "We will prove he has what it takes- goodness we are going to have to get you clothes and something for the smell, son" "I smell like week old entrails! :D" Hepatocyte exclaimed happily. "That you do, son, that you do".

And i'm spent. Tune in later for more adventures of Hepatocyte Boy!

BY THE SCROTUM OF ZEUS

muzzle_ — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 01:47:03 GMT

I LIVE. Don't get your hopes up though, i'm not UNdead, just NOT dead.

As some of you are aware, i was arrested almost 2 months ago for having fun. Apparently it is illegal to have fun on someone else's property without their consent, abandoned or not.
HOWEVER. During said arrest, the police decided it was in their best interest to STEAL MY PHONE. I'm not shitting you. They stole my phone. It was "Missing for a week" and then "Logged as Evidence" once me and my lawyer made a hullabaloo about it. So Madam Lawyer Lady said that I should be getting it back soon, which is good because the damn thing is a 400 dollar phone.

And once we got past the whole "Human sacrifice with occult summonings" thing out of the way, the justice system seems to be working my way! Hooray!

And because some people aren't feeling well, i have to write a story. HERE IT GOES

Once upon a time there was a ....aw shit I lost the beat. okay. Give me a few minutes to recoup my inspiration.

ADVENTURES ARE HERE

muzzle_ — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 19:25:25 GMT

well technically they are here http://ieatfoodslol.livejournal.com/

But there are more to come! I will probably update later tonight, because I spent 6 hours last night restoring an 1851 Colt Navy revolver. Like HAND CANNON revolver. I need to unstick the cylinder lock and slide, get the 160 year old bullets out of the chamber, and clean it up but aside from that it is done! HAVE A PREVIEW. Here is a before picture

And here it is after I stripped the rust, fixed the trigger assembly, and adjusted the cylinder

Not too bad for being buried on farmland for 160 years! I think I found my calling as a gunsmith. XD Next is a 12 guage auto that's in disrepair!

R U A WAZARD

muzzle_ — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 00:11:00 GMT

HAY LIVE JOURNAL, WHAT'S GOIN ON IN THIS COMMUNITY?!

I'm still in Kansas, but not for long! SOON THERE WILL BE EXCITING UPDATES AND VIDEOS.
Both here and on ieatfoodslol

AND ON THE TWITTERS. WHICH GETS AS MUCH ATTENTION AS THIS DOES.

IF YOU WANT MY TWITTERS, COMMENT HERE I WILL POST IT. But I think the people who'd want it already have it. So there you are.

Not much to report. Sitting around trying to sell the house. Keeping it up, making sure my mother doesn't retard herself to death, which really happens more often than not. I'm really starting to puzzle together the whole "Adopted" thing.

Really haven't been able to do much aside from work out and watch movies. So my entertainment vocabulary has expanded, as have my exceedingly beefy arms which threaten to tear through my poor shirt sleeves. JUST LETTING YOU KNOW I'M GETTING SEXIER BY THE DAY. I would never have thought BOREDOM would be the catalyst to a slenderer me. Slendererer? Slendery? SLENDERMAN.

Anyway! Let me see here.. Oh yeah. Check out this hailstorm that plagued us a bit ago. Pretty intense! Golf ball sized bitches http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJh75npm6uw

I want to call someone "Chocolate Columbo".

muzzle_ — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 00:47:37 GMT

I hate it here

I miss my friends, and i miss my dog.

This state is a hole. i want to go home already.

Dear Diary.
Next time, just kill everyone involved!
Lesson learned.

A sick cebu, a sad cebu, and a mute cebu

muzzle_ — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 07:17:19 GMT

So I was musing tonight and Star told me i had to write it into a story, so here goes!

This is the story of Dapper Mr Stuffington III and his dashing brother, Dastardlicus.

One day a mother corgi had given birth. But she did not just birth any old corgis, oh no. This particular corgi mother gave birth to two- only two- special corgi puppies. One named Mr. Stuffington III (who was not actually named after anyone particular, but they decided he should be the third generation of something) and his brother, Dastardlicus. Upon their births, Mr Stuffington III and Dastardlicus did something quite unusual. Mr Stuffington III immediately found a tophat and Monacle. The parents found this quite amusing and let their dapper son keep his dashing new outfit. Dastardlicus, on the other hand, grew a mighty handlebar mustache as soon as his brother donned the hat and monacle. This was the very beginning of their rivalry, for you see Dastardlicus envied his brother's top hat from the first moment he put it on.
As time progressed, they fell into their every day lives. Mr Stuffington III Became a handsome gentleman, very dapper, very polite and very rich. His brother Dastardlicus became an accomplished theif and con man, also very rich. Every once in a while, out of spite, Dastardlicus would steal away whatever woman was on Stuffington III's arm and tie her to railroad tracks, cackling the whole time. There would be a fierce duel with canes, Dastardlicus being a very accomplished fencer, and Mr Stuffington III being a gentleman, also knew his way around fencing as all gentleman should. The duel would last a while! Oh the amazing things that would happen. They would dash here and there, on top of buildings and in the town square! The whole town would show up for the show, always rooting for the dapper gentleman, while booing Dastardlicus. And each and every time Dastardlicus would become disarmed and Mr Stuffington III would take his girl off the tracks just in time for the train to pass.
This happened on a weekly basis- he may be a gentleman, but he sure went though the ladies rather quickly. Eventually they would want too much for a gentleman to handle! He had no choice! So every week he was with a new lady, always proper and nice like a lady should be! Just how he liked them, lady-like. He would try and protect them from his unruly brother but eventually Dastardlcus' perserverence would pay off and he would sweep them away while Mr Stuffington III was unaware.
One day, on a particularly boring night, Dastardlicus had just finished a dashing bank robbery and had just put his loot away in his hideout when he spotted Dastardlicus' newest lady just walking down the street. It was perfect! He rubbed his handlebar mustache between his fingers and giggled an evil giggle. He slinked off into the dark as his kind normally do, what with all the villainy and whatnot, and kidnapped the beautiful.. Miss.. ..cospletta. Yes. He kidnapped the lovely Miss Cospletta and tied her to a railroad track! Oh his brother wouldn't win this time, this time he had a plan! He would certainly win this time. He sat next to the tracks, waiting for his brother to show. He waited and waited, and soon it was 4 o'clock, time for the train! But still his brother wasn't there. chooga chooga chooga chooga! The train closed in on Miss Cospletta, closer and closer it came! Was his brother not going to save his lady? Well this certainly was not fun, thought Dastardlicus. where was his brother? He surely couldn't just let the train squish this fair lady without a due battle. Just before the train smashed Miss Cospletta, he jumped in, untied her, and set her upright next to the track. She ran off towards town, but he was troubled. Where was his brother? Why would he let him squish his lady with a train and not show? did he not find this one as attractive as the others? Maybe she was annoying? Well, they most certainly were mostly annoying to him, those squalling ladies and their terrible grasp of the english language. But enough of that, where was his brother? He had to find out, so he started in to town to find his missing brother.

CHAPTER TWO

Upon his arrival into town square, he noticed nothing out of the ordinary. everyone was milling about their business. The people that noticed him checked the watch to see if it was time for a duel show. Surely it was well past 4 o'clock, why was there no dashing show? Well, Dastardlicus was wondering this as well! he trudged up to his brother's mansion, cane in hand, and swung the doors open wide. inside, oh! What a surprise! There were bandits inside, and they had caught Mr Stuffington III off guard in the bath and tied him up! The leader of this gang was currently assaulting Mr. Stuffington, whacking him in the head and knocking off his monacle. Oh the humanity! WELL. Dastardlicus could not have any of this. "What are you doing with my brother, you unbearable twits? We had an appointment!" "Oh dear, chap, terribly sorry" piped his brother "I do so hope you did not squish my dear lady Cospletta?" "Of course not, not until i've won good and proper." "WELL." interrupted the bandit leader "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we're going to be killing your brother and taking all his riches!" "Well you most are not! They are mine to take, he is mine to kill! You will all leave immediately, or i will be forced to take action against this! you are infringing on MY Time with my brother!". The bandits drew their guns and swords, but Dastardlicus was very skilled! He dodged and fliped nimbly around, dodging here and there, dispatching the villains one by one! Oh the skill, like a deadly ballerina he weaved in and out, smacking the guns out of their hands, and easily overcoming the ones with swords with his fencing cane! When all but the leader was left, he stood there, cane pointed "NOW RELEASE MY BROTHER, OR I SAY, I WILL HAVE TO GET UNPLEASANT". The bandit leader was unsure what to do, for he was an accomplished fencer as well, but surely not THAT good. He did have an advantave, however, he had a sword, not just a cane! This bolstered his confidence "Well, i think you're going to have to come and get him!" Oh the battle that ensued! Oh the property damage that happened! Mr Stuffington called to his brother, pleading for him not to break the fine vases and paintings that were quite expensive to aquire. After quite a bit of property damage, Dastardlicus had enough. This poor excuse for a gentleman was no match for him, and though he let the fight go on just as spite for not being there today, he had enough. he blocked the bandit's blade with his cane and with a quick motion, pulled the head off his cane to reveal a sword! Oh boy, someone's going to die! The bandit leader quickly peed himself and tried to run off, but Dastardlicus would have none of this. He threw his sword cane like a spear, pinning the bandit leader to a pillar by his shirt collar. "Well we've had quite enough of that haven't we?" Said Stuffington III "You let that go on far too long! Look at my house! Why are you here anyway, brother? Why not let them kill me?" "Well the truth be told, brother, i've only been wicked to you all these years for want of your hat. I have been jealous since we were pups! you with that fancy hat here, and none for me! I should kill you now and take it for myself!" "Well why didn't you say so, dear brother! I have spare hats that you could have!" This took Dastardlicus by surprise "you mean.. you would GIVE me a hat? Of my very own?" "Why of course dear brother, we are family after all! But I do have to ask sir Dastardlicus, why not buy a hat of your own? you are exceptionally rich as i am!" "I never thought to, i suppose!"

And they lived happily ever after.

FOR SCIENCE!

muzzle_ — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 00:40:00 GMT

Well i'll be leaving for my trip on Thursday, so i'll be updating my journal over at

http://ieatfoodslol.livejournal.com/ For the duration i'll be gone. Well, i'll update here, but there is for the food and the people, and since i'll be on a BUS for a whole day at first, i'll meet LOTS of interesting people.

By "interesting" i mean "Frighteningly hilarious".

For those of you who don't know, i'll be selling the house i own in Kansas that my mom lives in and helping her move to Oregon where i'll be buying a NEW house somewhere in the vicinity of lower oregon near the CA boarder.

Probably gone for a good week and a half, two if things go bad.

If somehow Satan once again climbs to the surface and tries to take me again, Star gets my stuff while I work to send him back to the pits and come back. And i ALWAYS come back!

Gonna miss Freya while i'm gone. There will be no fuzzy dog hugs to take place of my anti-stabby pills, so this trip may end up being a run from the law eventually. XD

ANYWAY. Check out my food journal. I refuse to call it a blog because that sounds like a wart-like disease and i hate it.

HOPE EVERYONE HAD A HAPPY WEEN OF HALLOWS. We got candy. Freya dressed up like a dragon.

"The world's so slow, all my dreams just too high to be fullfilled in time"

muzzle_ — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 16:25:19 GMT

Gut efenink ladiez unt gentlemanz!

My posts are probably going to get shorter and shorter, but more frequent! The LJ client on my phone is a bit of a bitch to use, but i am slowly getting the hang of it.

Grey visits today!

also I have a new experimental journal! I figure I eat a lot of shit. and meet a lot of interesting people. So i'm going to make a journal dedicated to that specifically- Eating People. Wait no. Eating food and meeting people. That's what I meant.

It is here- http://ieatfoodslol.livejournal.com/

It's just getting started. But soon it will have more stuff.

Mst3k

muzzle_ — Sat, 23 Oct 2010 23:56:05 GMT

Watching "laserblast" via mst3k.

It's amazing in ways only mystery science theater can make.

Kidnapped

muzzle_ — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 12:34:06 GMT

Was kidnapped. If I were a kid I suppose. But it has been an interesting time.

I HAD A DREAM

muzzle_ — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 21:09:52 GMT

That a company dognapped my.. ..dog. For ransom for some invention i'd made. But instead of give up the invention, I threatened to kill everyone in the company and torture the owner who was the one who'd dognapped her. I did so in a clever and creative manner befitting the KGB.
They gave me back my dog at least!
But I killed a bunch of them anyway afterwards just to make a point.

Also I was up till 10am with a massive toothache. I can't wait to go to the dentist next month. I AM ANTICIPATING THE DENTIST.

SOON GREY WILL VISIT. YAY GREY. We will drink heartily

Also after Grey visits, i'm road tripping all the way to Oregon. hooray! I will update things as I travel.

I think I'm going to picture blog about the food and people I encounter now that I have a phone capable of controlling a low orbiting ion cannon. PEW PEW.

I am hungry. OFF TO SCAVENGE

Wat

muzzle_ — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 05:36:10 GMT

I wish David Hasselhoff would stop flying around in circles in the distance, it is reakly distracting

I'm updating from my phone everyone!

muzzle_ — Sun, 03 Oct 2010 04:42:47 GMT

New phone with an LJ client! Oh what fun we will have little client, oh what fun indeed

I CAN RUN FASTER HORNY THAN YOU CAN SCARED

muzzle_ — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 04:36:40 GMT

OKAY
SO BY POPULAR DEMAND. Mostly demand, I was told I have to write this story IMMEDIATELY

This is the story of a Hit-Dog and the tiny ward that helps him love again! Without further ado, I bring to you the fantastical journey of

One day, Many a year ago, an Airedale was born. He was taken in by a nice old lady named Granny McDoily (her parents anticipated her getting old and named her appropriately). She named him Mr. Tickles because his Airedale mustache was tickly. Gee. She's a granny, what do you expect? They lived very happily for three wonderful years until, regretably, Granny McDoily passed away peacefully and in her sleep. Mr. Tickles was devastated. His whole world was her tiny cottage (She lived out in the boonies, and no one else was near), and didn't know what to do with himself anymore. He could not stay in the cottage, for she would start to rot and it would get pretty ripe in there until the supply truck came in 2 months. She bought her supplies in bulk, you see. She was thrifty as well as hermity.

So off he went on his own to face the world he knew nothing about. Everywhere he went he was met with brutality and General Malaise. you see, it was the General's territory, and he made sure to make life terrible for Mr Tickles. Eventually Mr. Tickles became angry enough to defend himself, taking out General Malaise's troops as they came after him. After a whole year of this, he became very good at killing and maiming his enemies. The onslaught of terrible feelings towards him sunk in and made him a grumpy, angry dog. He was eventually unpleasant to be around. He would take doggy mercenary jobs here and there because he was so good at what he did. Eventually he decided it would be best for him to become a full on hit-dog, so that is what he did. For a few years he wandered the land taking jobs killing for money.

One day while he was on a job, he killed his target only to find a very small puppy cowering in a nearby bush. Instead of us usual "kill the witnesses", he took pity on the tiny puppy and brought her home. She cowered in the corner for a while, but when she was sure he wasn't going to hurt her, she slowly approached him. "What is your name, squirt?" he asked harshly. He wasn't used to normal manners or conversation, see, he killed most people he had social interactions with. "umm.. I was named after my late daddy. Killer". He scoffed! Re-doo-doo-diculous! "Killer you say. How fitting." "Are you going to murder me, Mister?" she trembled, backing away a little "I saw what you did to my neighbor Mr. Codswollop. He was a nice man, he gave me food" "Well, Mr Codswollop owed my client a lot of bones and refused to pay, you see, so he had to know the consequences of dealing with bad people". "Are you a bad people, Mister?" "I am." "so you are going to kill me too?" she sniffled, just holding back tears. "No, i'm not going to kill you pup. I SHOULD. But for some reason I can't. So you're going to live with me until I find a use for you or get hungry enough". Her fear lessened slightly and mustered the courage to take a few steps forward "I can be useful! Mr Codswollop said I could dig very well! And that my nose was extra good!" "Well if i need any graves or stinky things found, i'll go right to you. But i'll most likely just kill you in the morning".

This went on for a about a year. They worked together, she would handle the payments and he would handle the killing. And every night he would say "Goodnight Killer, i'll most likely kill you in the morning". One day, he was sitting on a cliffside looking at the sunset when Killer walked up to him "What's on your mind Mr Tickles?" "I'm tired, Killer. I miss my old life, my old family. There was a time when I lived with a nice old lady, and the time i've spent with you has made me realize that she wouldn't be very happy with what i've been doing." he sighed a long, old dog sigh and layed his weary bones on the grass. "You've been more than nice to me, Mr. Tickles, you saved my life and gave me a wonderful home! I've learned so much from you" "The things i have to teach are things you can live without, little pup" She sat next to him on the grass and stared at the sunset "no, you taught me self importance, how to carry myself and be a real dog. I was a scared puppy, and I would have died had you not taken me in! They would always take advantage of me back at my old home, pick on me and put me down. But now i'm strong, and i'm better because of you! Just because you kill people doesn't make you a bad person". She was strong, but not very smart. "Yes it does. I kill people. That's like, number one bad people. I want to stop. Lets go find us a nice peaceful home, away from all of this.".

So they traveled to where no one would know their names. To a far off place.. JAPAN. They stowed away on a Pokemon Plush cargo flight. Some human ordered 200 Umbreon plushes and the plane was on its return flight when they jumped on. When they landed, they heard of a fantastic place where dogs were living relatively peacefully. Where everyone's mouth stayed open and were very accepting. They found this place called Ohu, and met Weed, who wasn't very smart. He kept asking Mr. Tickles for tickles, and never closed his mouth even when he would speak. But Mr Tickles tolerated it, because he had a new comfortable life.

THE END. FEEL GOOD STORY OF THE YEAR.

When the doctor starts whistlin "Happy Trails", tends to take a bit of the wind out of the 'ol sails

muzzle_ — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 18:41:45 GMT

I FORGOT WHAT I WAS DOING.

Nothing much happening here. Had a good grill for Labor Day. Bought a... thingy. for the back yard. One of those gigantic canopy things. Now I can sit in the back yard when it rains and not get AS wet!

Getting ready for classes soon, going to get some stupid Florida required license because this state is a poop, then... who knows!

Waiting for new pokemon to come out. or at least more information leaked. only 10 more days till all is revealed, oOooo, aaahhh, force that enthusiasm!

Dead Rising 2 comes out soon. I think. Let me go look quick. yes. the 28th. So that's good.

New computer is working nice and happy. I'm hungry though
Freya gets her new shower today I think! We bought a Rapid Bath so it's more fun for us. Also she got a haircut that makes her look silly.

Oh well!
Oh yeah I get a new phone soon. It'll be a good one

YOU'RE SO PRETTY WHEN YOU KILL ME. THE POISON CLEARS MY MIND

muzzle_ — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 01:40:55 GMT

So Zeromancer's new album is a whole bunch of piss and vinagar! I mean, it's awesome and the music is great, but someone's girlfriend killed their parents or something because hot damn that's a lot of bitter in one album.

Oh well. What's up with me? Well I keep spending most my life livin in a gangsta's paradise. I can't live a normal life, I was raised by the street. So I gotta be down with the hood, G.

Nothing much different on the Florida Front for me. I'm getting forced to get a Class D license, may upgrade to a class G at some point, but that means I have to pass a new psych evaluation and renew my gun licenses and concealed weapons permit, which I wasn't aware had expired. WHOOPS.

I shaved Freya last night, she looks like a Greyhound got attacked by some fuzzy mold, it's pretty funny.

Lets seeeee... There was a party last night. Assless chaps were involved. Oh yeah and I saved a walmart employee from an angry customer and made the customer poop themselves. It was a good deed and an act ov violence all in one, I was like a super hero with 1 penny.
And umm... That's it for now!
Here have a story

Once upon a time there was a boy named Mortimer. He had a gigantic growth on his hip named Jules. Together they roamed the land as a freakish mutant until one day they had enough and were going to kidnap this girl. But they got hit on the head with an icicle and fell over a cliff and died, the end.

NEW ICON EVERYBODY

muzzle_ — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 06:30:02 GMT

Heehee.
Children.

I ORDERED A NEW MOTHERBOARD AND PROCESSOR TODAY
Bandit did too

We're Mobo Buddies.

I got a 3.2ghz Quad Core and a spiffy nice board to go with it. He copied me. Like a copy-ferretthing.

I forgot to get RAM though, so i'm stopping by the RAM store to get some 4g sticks to make my computer nice. I'll name it SUPER McSPIFFY.

Other than that. I'm not doing much. I'm trying to fit into a class to get a Class G Armed License and start doing private security again until I can find a better job.

also. the "Father" figure is getting a bit on the creepy side. He's got good intentions, but it's been like 15 years since we were close, and he's all trying to be a real dad. A real dad that tells me that I shouldn't let my "special skills" go to waste, but I shouldn't turn into some murderous monster either. VOTE OF CONFIDENCE! *THUMBS UP*
The other day it was "Don't let yourself get rusty, you never know when you'll need to throw a knife in someone's eye and use their guns to your advantage" and today it was "Remember that you need to be educated and fit in to the working class world! Our kind are dinosaurs, so you need a mundane world job from now on". What?
I just want to eat the sweetest of the forbidden fruits- baby flesh. Wait. That came out wrong. I JUST WANT TO HAVE A DECENT JOB AND A DECENT LIFE LEAVE ME ALONE CRAZY PAST. I'M FAT NOW JEEZ GIVE IT A REST.

I'm going to make enough money to open a nightclub, and then I'm going to retire in alaska where I can throw snowballs at huskies EVERY DAY. Not packed snowballs though, the poofy ones that are fun and don't hurt.
Unless i see Palin. Then its fluffy snowballs with BIG FUCKING ROCKS.

maybe I should live in Hawaii again and forget about snowballs and Huskies.
Hawaii and Corgis. Yeah, Hawaii has no Palins. But they do have MOOSE...

DOES EVERYONE LIKE MY NEW ICON? IT'S FRIZZITY FRESH YO

dear Journal

muzzle_ — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 01:22:00 GMT

Today, God gave me a gift!
He said "you are awesome. Have this"
and I was like "No i'm not all that awesome"
and he was all "It's cool though, take it anyway"
So I did. Also I think I just remembered a fortune cookie. Crap.

Okay

So. Today is a new and happy day! Full of things and stuff and purple whatevers.

I am also thirsty.

So here is a short story.

Once upon a time there was this dude. He was a policeman. and one day, he went out and was rescuing people like policeman are supposed to do; not just lounge about giving tickets and acting like assholes. He rescued this baby named Hoolihan Quartzknocker. He taught this baby all the ways of the policeman warrior people. Then one day, Hoolihan dissapeared. He had been kidnapped by Robbers Inc., a terrible company run by terrible people to do terrible things. They tried to turn Hoolihan into a Hooligan, but he would have nothing of it and used his super special powers to kill them all. The end.

Also I made bacon and eggs and I am not full of bacon and eggs.
I need a new gun. I was looking at pictures of my old guns and I missed them. They're like children I adopted out to other people and can never use to harm anyone else again. That's what children are for, right? Harming people?
I mean, there was that lady that clubbed her husband with their baby.

If a baby-flail is wrong, I don't want to be right.

STORY TIME

muzzle_ — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 05:01:28 GMT

Once, there was a little boy. Once, there was a little boy and his three cebu! A sick cebu, a sad cebu, and a mute cebu.

What? this story has been done before? Well shit. Okay.

Lets see.
Okay. Once there was a pony. It's name was Dee. Pony Dee! It was the cutest little pony anyone would ever see. It had a wonderful coat and beautiful mane and tail, the kind the supermodel ponies had to have a hairdresser fake! One day, This pony was a bit melancholy, and was at the local bar. What? She's a pony, i didn't say she was YOUNG. Ponies can be older and cute. Jeez. So this pony was working on her 3rd appletini and 4th shot of scotch when a macho stallion took a seat next to her. "Hey cute stuff, what's a girl like you doing in a dingy bar like this?" "Hey fuck you" said the bartender. "This establishment is well kept". "Whatever. So honey, what you say me and you blow this joint and go get some alfalfa at my place? eh?" The cute pony looked the very macho looking stallion up and down for a second and said "Why don't you go fuck yourself and have relations with some razor wire you unkept stanky excuse for a man?" ...I never said she was lady-like either, did i? Well. This took the stallion by surprise. A purdy girl refusing him? UNTHUNKED OF. Surely he was the peak of womanly wants. Or so he thought. "Oh you don't mean that, toots-" She smashed the beer glass the bartender happened to just slide her over the stallions big dumb face. He fell off his stool (hee hee. stool) Unconscious.

"Thanks, Mr Bartender". "Call me Barsky". She stared at him. "Really? That's.. silly, but fitting" "It sure is. Can I call you a cab?" "No thanks, I have my tazer and I really want to taze me some bitches tonight. Besides, my house isn't too far away." "right, okay." said Barsky the Bartender, who happened to be a.. umm.. Deer. Barskey was a deer. "Well, you're welcome here anytime! don't be a stranger" Dee said "My name is Dee, Mr Barsky, i'll definitely be back! What do you plan to do with Mr. Charming down there?" "Oh, I have friends at the glue factory and dog food plants, I'm sure he'll fetch a nice price!" "Well, make sure I get a cut if you do. Have a good night!"

With that, Dee walked into the night and back home, where she put on some music and sat down for a good T.V watching! She sat down and watched Batman. the story of a Bat that went around fighting crime because he could fly and had sonar, so it was pretty easy for him. "I could do that" thought Dee. She grabbed her sewing kit and ordered some stuff online. While she waited, she practiced martial arts! It took a few weeks for all of the things she ordered to come, and since she was fairly athletic in the first place (She was a gymnast in school!) she had an easy time learning lots of stuff. "This is going to be so exciting!" she cooed, as she hugged her costume close "I can't wait to stick it to some thundercunts!"

THE NEXT NIGHT, IN A DARK ALLEYWAY.

"Give me all your money!" a dark figure loomed over a tiny...lemur girl. "Please sir! Here's my purse! Just.. don't rape me!" "RAPE. THAT'S A GREAT IDEA" boomed the dark figure "A LEMUR IS FINE TOO". He started to take down his pants when a voice stopped him mid calf. "NOT SO FAST, EVIL DOER. FEEL THE WRATH OF THE SLOSHED STEED AND HER DOS EQUIS!" She smashed two titanium beer glasses against the dark figure's face and kicked him in the groin. He fell backwards Unconscious. "Oh my god you saved my life!" Said the Lemur "You're a superhero!" "I AM INDEED, MA'AM! Fear not! Go now, I'll take care of this bad guy!" "Okay, but he had a partner! He should be back soon! Be careful!" With that, the lemur grabbed her purse from the downed foe and ran off into the night. Dee used those nifty zip ties to tie up the bad guy, and when she was done, his partner rounded the corner! Oh thank goodness for convenient timing! "HEY. What's going on here? where's that lemur bitch? I wanted some Lemur Pooper action! I guess i'll settle for Pony Poon!" he ran at our new heroine. He was a rhino. So Charging was in his nature.
"You'll get no such thing! Prepare for KEG-CHUCKS" She pulled out two small kegs tied together with a chain and swung it at his head. It hit him so hard, his eyeball popped out of its socket and he smashed his head into the wall, cracking his skull. She was slightly horrified by the eye, but still had the sense to call 911. The police came, but she was long gone, back in PONY LAIR. She left a note that said "Bad guys. Please incarcerate" on them. And the police did, because that kind of shit happened a lot in Batman town, so who were they to question?

Back at the lair of THE SLOSHED STEED, she was pouring herself a victory Kahlua when the news came on "A NEW HERO HAS EMERGED. JUST MOMENTS AGO A FEMALE SUPERHERO NAMED THE SLOSHED STEED STOPPED A MUGGING AND RAPE. THE ASSAILANTS WERE MODERATELY INJURED. WE WELCOME THIS NEW HERO TO OUR STREETS. But wish she was more child friendly. Booze is not something children should look up to."

THUS ENDS THE TALE OF THE SLOSHED STEED. FOR NOW. TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE PONY ADVENTURES. SAME EQUINE TIME
SAME EQUINE CHANNEL

GUESS WHAT

muzzle_ — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 03:20:27 GMT

TWO POSTS IN THE SAME DAY

I'M BREAKING ALL KINDS OF JOURNAL BARRIERS

DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES, YOU MAY MISS ME BEING AWESOME

Also I just made eggs
And I am bored.

So. very. bored.

I want it to be.. wednesday. Not for any particular reason. But Wednesday just sounds good. Maybe i'll sleep though till wednesday
If I don't DO SOMETHING soon, i'm going to end up stabbing people in my neighborhood with ice picks. Or BBQ skewers. I think some of them may be vampires
Not the pussy sparkly elves that pretend to drink blood. I mean real ones. Ones that aren't flamboyantly retarded.

I will bless these BBQ skewers, dip them in holy water, and kill me some vampire neighbors.
Neighboratu. Or Nosferabors.
Hopefully they won't silt their wrists with steaks first

Chances are your pants are not as fancy pair that very fancy pants that Mr. Fancy Pants will wear.

muzzle_ — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 18:46:10 GMT

I'M ALL UP IN THIS JOURNAL SHIT YO

So the other day I was all doing stuff. and then this thing happened. And bam. More stuff to do. So I did stuff, and then things, and then shinanigans were had by all.

Oh and the shindig? it was diggable. But the hullabaloo wasn't quite as hijinky as the hoopla or bedlam.

I have a tiny kitten, it is tiny. Someone should take this tiny kitten so I don't have to give it away to someone who won't take as good care of it as someone i know!
It's tiny, and well trained. Don't make tiny kitten sad, give it a good home! it loves you. Come claim your kitten!

Also happy birthday for those whose birthday passed recently. You know who you are.

and lets see...

Yes. I guess that's it for now!

What's that the kids always say? Oh yes
HOLLA

I'm totally ready!

muzzle_ — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 04:41:58 GMT

Know what I love? DRAMA

Know what i love more than drama? Making people feel stupid, tearing their arms off, and throwing them in front of a bus.

Pori-pori, man. You've earned 1 pendant in the temple games. The choice is yours and yours alone.

I'll prove you're retarded and then i'll make you suffer. I'm literate and well read, plus I can wrap your ass around your neck and give you a new set of shoulders.

Oh yeah, Scarlet, i missed your birthday, sorry. Give me a call sometime, it looks like we may get to "Jay and Silent Bob" some people again. I'll print a list.
You and Blaze gotta visit sometime, we need some excitement here. I feel mundane lately.

Also, HELLO FRIENDS LIST. I refuse to call it an fList because that sounds stupid.

Hope everyone is well! Everyone that reads this should post in here and tell me how they are doing!
ROLL CALL

Hmm...

muzzle_ — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 07:28:14 GMT

Ever think how horrible it is for a Giraffe to throw up?

Poor guys.

JEEZ ANOTHER SURVEY

muzzle_ — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 01:06:03 GMT

Okay, I'll post something real later, I promise. I'm just really bored and there's another one of

1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Ummm... the lottery people. Telling me i won 21 million dollars!

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Of course! Leaving that shit out there is just rude.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Usually a listener, unless i'm with Star or Bandit

4 Do you take compliments well?
I guess so!

5. Do you play Sudoku?
Nah!

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
I have before!

7. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
I have!

8. What was your favorite game as a kid?
Hiking and frolicking in the mountains!

9. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you?
Nope! Standards. They obviously don't respect their commitment.

10. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
Of course! As long as they're not pushy about it

11. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Hmmmm... Good question. Passively pursue! I guess.

12. Use three words to describe yourself?
Gigantic fucking asshole!

13. Do any songs make you cry?
Cry? no. Feel awful? yes

14. Are you continuing your education?
I may in the future. A Mad Scientist's education is never finished!

15. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
I am an ample marksman, yes.

16. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
The First thing? Freya. She's too dumb to know to leave the house, she's scared of the outside.

17. How often do you read books?
Not as often as i'd like!

18. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
All evenly, I suppose. I use my experience from the past to function in the present so i can make a better future on a daily basis.

19. What is your favorite children’s book?
I think it was called something like.. The Little Mouse, The Red Ripe Strawberry, and The Big Hungry Bear.

20.What color are your eyes?
Brown

21. How tall are you?
SIX FOOT THREE INCHES

22. Where is your dream house located?
I would own two mansions. One in like.. ALASKA. and one in Hawaii. So I can have my two favorite climates whenever I wanted.

23. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Yes.

24. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
a month or two ago? I smell more in my future though XD

25. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
Today? The potty.

26. Do you like mustard?
YES.

27. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
I mean.. that's an odd question. I guess I prefer to sleep. Although eating is delicious

28. Do you look like your mom or dad?
Pretty much look exactly like my dad

29. How long does it take you in the shower?
15-20 min tops?

30. Can you do the splits?
Used to be able to, now I can't quite get all the way down

31. What movie do you want to see right now?
Kinda curious about Ninja Assassin

32. What did you do for New Year’s?
I don't remember! Wait. Yes. We watched movies and partied, i think

33. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
God no. I like actual SCARY movies.

34. Do you own a camera phone?
LIKE FOUR OF THEM.

35. Was your mom a cheerleader?
Track runner

36. What’s the last letter of your middle name?
N!

37. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
7-8

38. Do you like Care Bears?
Hell yeah!

39. What do you buy at the movies?
A movie ticket. Fuck those food prices

40. Do you know how to play poker?
Yep!

41. Do you wear your seat belt?
I hate to, but people make me.

42. What do you wear to sleep?
NOTHING.

43. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
I was born in Los Angeles. Pick a day.

44. How many meals do you eat a day?
Usually one big meal and a few snacks.

45. Is your tongue pierced?
Used to be

46. Do you always read MySpace bulletins?
Fuck that social networking crap. Wouldn't be too bad if they didn't bombard you with games and updates for every time someone took a piss or saw a bird.

47. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Seriously funny

48. Ever been to L.A.?
LETS GO VISIT MY HOMETOWN!

49. Did you eat a cookie today?
I ate a homemade cinnibon thing?

50. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
I can cuss in like 4 languages!

51. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
Seeing as the "Music Industry" owes me several large sacks of cash, I download everything.

52. Do you hate chocolate?
THEM CHOCOLATES SHIT INNIT?! I love chocolate!

53. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
How old am I now? Hmm. I haven't seen my real did in 25 years, and My step dad for almost a decade. Mom and I argue about how she's not taking care of herself properly though.

54. Are you a gullible person?
Nope!

55. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
If you NEED someone to be happy, you'll never BE truly happy, even when you have someone.

56. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
Club owner. Or Hitman. I've experience in both!

57. Are you easy to get along with?
God no. I'm a huge jerk. But only when people deserve it

58. What is your favorite time of day?
From dusk till it's too bright out.

I STOLE THIS FROM KJ AND SABIN

muzzle_ — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 03:42:42 GMT

I FEEL LEFT OUT I WANT TO SURVEY TOO

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage= Pepsi Throwback!
2. last phone call= T-Mobile!
3. last text message= Planet Smoothie!
4. last song you listened to= Blue October- Hate Me
5. last time you cried= Like tears and heaving and whatnot? Psh. Emotions are for chumps. XD

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice= No.
7. been cheated on= Yep.
8. kissed someone & regretted it= Nope. My lips aim is true!
9. lost someone special= Yep
10. been depressed= Yes.
11. been drunk and threw up= I THINK.. the last time was when Grey came over. I sauntered over to the sink (In a suave way) and let the 2 bottles of rum I'd just drank flow free back into the sewers.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Blue. Royal
13. Red. Crimson.
14. Black IS NOT A COLOR but i'll put it here too

THIS YEAR, HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend= A few of them! I'm stealing their surveys!
16. Fallen out of love= Nope
17. Laughed until you cried= Yep!
18. Met someone who changed you= I'm a never changing jerk. I was born an asshole, I'll die the same asshole!
19. Found out who your true friends were= I never lose sight of it!
20. Found out someone was talking about you= YES. Apparently the fart swallowing ass javalin who put a video camera in my vent told my ex that it was me that did it. Luckily she already knew it was him.
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life = i've met like.. 80% of you chumps at one time XD
23. How many kids do want?= Hmmmm... I dunno. I can never finish my first one, but I usually have fries on the side. Maybe 2 if i'm really hungry?
24. Do you have any pets?= BUNNIES AND KITTIES AND DOGGIES. And a Rat. Or do I have the plurals and singulars backwards?
25. Do you want to change your name= seriously? If i could change my name to just "Muzz" like "Cher" I'd be happy.
26. What did you do for your birthday?= I don't really remember!
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for= HOT, STEAMY, SLOPPY, WET..... Philly Cheese Steak. ....or sex!
30. Last time you saw your mother= Almost a year ago!
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?= I wish I had a ridiculous amount of money so I could take care of my friends and family.
32. What are you listening to right now?= Blue October- Hate Me
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom= Yeah, Tom was a cool guy. I miss him.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now= i'm on the verge of being cold, but too lazy to do anything about it.
35. Most visited webpage= VAGRANT
36. Whats your real name= Depends on who is asking. XD
37. Nicknames= Muzz. Gaive. Jerkface. Sometimes shortened to "Jerk"
38. Relationship Status= PREMARITAL RELATIONSHIPS?! OH THE HORROR
39. Zodiac sign= we're a Gemini
40. Male or female?= I have a pink DS with MLP and Rainbow Bright stickers, yet I have a penis. Quandry.
41. Elementary?= Like, NINE of them. Moved a lot when I was little
42. Middle School?= WMS.
43. High school/College?= WSHS for HS. and RWTC and USC for College
44. Hair color= Brown/black
45. Long or short= usually down to my mid back.
46. Height= SIX FOOT THREE INCHES
47. Do you have a crush on someone?= Depends on if i rest my orange soda on them. RIMSHOT
48: What do you like about yourself?= Immortality is nice. XD Unfortunately immortality, intelligence and the ability to lift small cars comes at a hefty physical appearance price. But they let me ring the bells atop the church so it's all good.
49. Piercing(s)= I took them out!
50. Tattoos= WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO SEE
51. Righty or lefty= Ambidexterous.

FIRSTS :
52. First injury= Umm.. I don't remember!
54. First best friend= Tim. And Blaze.
55. First sport you joined= SOCCER. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL
56. First vacation= of the year? Or ever? Shit. I don't remember either.
59. Eating= Probably booze
60. Drinking= same as above! Liquid diet of alcohol!
61. I'm about to= travel the dimensional rift and save an entire galaxy from extinction! DON'T DOUBT ME.
62. Listening to= Again? Nothing yet. Between songs. God you're pushy
63. Waiting on= MY COMMUPPANCE

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?= Naw, I just had QDoba
65. Get Married?= Probably not! Tried twice already. Left a bad taste in my brain
66. Career?= Own my own club someday!

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes= Eyes
68. Hugs or kisses= BOTH AT ONCE. Is it even a hard decision?
69. Shorter or taller= Either one
70. Older or Younger= either works! Depends on their personality. I don't want a mom, and I don't want a little sister.
71. Romantic or spontaneous= Both!
72. Nice stomach or nice arms= AN ARM GROWING OUT OF THE STOMACH. Can you imagine the possibilities!?
73. Sensitive or loud= Are those even.. .. like.. opposites? Or comparables? What?
74. Hook-up or relationship= relationship OF BOOTY CALLS
75. Trouble maker or hesitant= Star already keeps me in check by stifling my fun, so I'd have to say trouble maker. a PARTNER IN CRIME IF YOU WILL

HAVE YOU EVER :
77. Drank hard liquor= Yes.
78. Lost glasses/contacts= fucking ocean stole them.
80. Broken someone's heart= Unfortunately
81. Had your own heart broken= Yes.
82. Been arrested= Haven't caught me yet! I'm a wiley one i am.
83. Turned someone down= Yes.
84. Cried when someone died= Yes.
85. Fallen for a friend?= Yep!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself= Absolutely.
87. Miracles= Of course!
88. Love at first site= No.
89. Heaven= Sure!
90. Santa Claus = Well, technically didn't St. Nicholas exist? Or like.. Krampus style?
92. Angels= Well I had to have come from SOMEWHERE. Sheesh. Fallens are people too you know!

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time= O-R-G-WHY? because we GOTTA
95. Did you sing today?= I spoke, that's a monumental occasion. Well unless Star or Bandit are around.
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? Back to when Bank of America was formed and get stock, and start an account so I could collect interest today.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?= Last year? ...I don't remember most of last year!
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?= Afraid of falling in love? Naw. That's silly. There's much worse things to be afraid of involving love. ...Like herpes! I am terrified of herpes!
100. Posting this as 100 truths?= YOU MISSED SOME. RECENTLY too. Sheesh.