let no foot mark your ground,

_facade @ 2011-09-26T07:12:00

2011-09-25T23:12:58Z

Patience isn't my strong suit.

My motivation and self encouragement fades and I'm driven further by your words and the timelines and boundaries that you set. Your coldness only serves to distance me further.

Maybe this time it's over. But I said I'll give this a shot. So I would. But I wouldn't go too far, not when you don't allow me to. I can't clap when there isn't a hand there to meet me at the other end.

if you only knew, my dear. if you only knew.

2009-06-30T15:51:22Z

I miss you. But I'm afraid to let you know.

For I'm afraid that you don't feel the same way and - the feeling is not mutual. I'm afraid that I would come across as too needy. Too clingy. (I'm afraid if I told you, you'd say something you don't mean. Something just to appease me.)

So I play it cool. I pretend to be unaffected. Pretend that you don't quite matter to me. For you can't see my heart trembling, behind my cold facade.

I try to remain a little aloof, a little detached. Yet I find myself unable to withdraw. Not without feeling the dull ache - that dull reminder that you mean something to me. And I can't pull myself away competely.

I miss you, dear. But you probably won't know that. Not now. Not today.

You were never there.

2005-12-10T04:51:11Z

You were always talking to others. You always had to talk. But you never shared anything about yourself.

Once, you told me we were friends. I just vaguely acknowledged the idea. But now, looking back, I wondered if we were ever friends.

I used to be avoidant. When you tried to come closer, I pushed you away. Now it's the other way around.

*

We never knew one another. We never really wanted to. To the other party, we were just a name. A name attached to a face; a name without a personality.

Maybe we stayed that way for some time because we liked the distance. From that distance, we are anything we want to be. We can conjure illusions that we want so badly to believe in.

We were masters of deception. We would occasionally don that beautiful white porcelain mask pretending to be someone else. We would occasionally pretend we were friends when we were lonely. But we were never lonely. We loved being alone. We loved the solitude. We loved being apathetic and hollow. It made us feel invincible and nothing could destroy us.

But illusions no matter how beautiful and enchanting, they never last. With time, the flaws were exposed and the lies were uncovered.

We unintentionally crossed boundaries. We knew more than we ought to. We pretended we knew nothing. We pushed one another away.

In our subconscious, we knew. We knew we were more than masks. Our walls were crumbling. We grasped at straws trying to mend the broken walls. We stayed away. We pretended we knew nothing. We were never hurt. We were never friends.

We were never there.

End this muse.

2005-11-02T02:51:42Z

The world's spinning
It's made up of blurry lines
of silhouttes
of everything undefined.

We are fumbling our way through
To close in on the distance
But we can't find the path
The footprints are no longer there

The world's spinning
We have no desination
no direction
no place to run to.

The world's spinning
We are lost
We can't find our way.

The world's spinning
We're not there.