LJI S11 wk6 -- solvitur ambulado (Latin for "it is solved by walking")
Last week, last Friday, was a fairly devastating day in my life. Hope, wishes, expectations, fervency, and exitement all crashed -- HARD! -- against a solid wall of impossibility presented to me, and I had nowhere else to turn.
And it's not the only dead end I've encountered -- that I've, seemingly, been led to -- that I have run into at full speed. This one in particular happened for the second time. Then there was the wonderfully redemptive career that wasn't, and then the other wonderfully redemptive career that wasn't, and then the neon signs to marry the guy who, in the end, didn't want to marry me. Crash! Crash! Crash! Crash! Crash! Brutal. How much I love driving, and how much better my life would be if I could do it... and the eight times I've failed the test. Especially the last time, where the examiner said, "you drove really well for 40 minutes and really badly for 5-10 seconds, so I've had to fail you". Crash! Etc.
Just give me a path to continue down! Just something! Just some kind of future, some direction to head in, PLEASE!! Please, I'll do anything. Just give me something. please?
**
Is the navigational system faulty? That's the obvious question to ask, and believe me, I have asked it a lot of times. A LOT of times. And whilst there's probably a degree of finer tuning that could be undertaken, that could always be undertaken, I actually don't think that it is. When your whole being gets tingly-captivated at the thought of a certain path in front of you, to a large extent you just have to walk that path, right? Come what may.
In a lot of ways, it would be easier if it were that the navigation system is faulty. Pause. Examine. Recalibrate. Retune. Start over. It's all good. And the first few times the crashes happen, that's the natural response. Landing at the conclusion that it's not, though. What then?
Is anyone running interferance? Well, yes, perhaps, but it doesn't seem worth bothering too much over. Because it's in the Handbook, "greater is the one who is in you than the one who is in the world". And also, isn't this a variation on the navigation system being faulty? There's a scary question next...
What are the motivations of the Chief Navigator? Are they good? Bad? Indifferent? ...probably not "indifferent", because if that was the case, why would there even be a navigation system, right?? Why would the Chief Navigator even bother? They wouldn't. And they don't have bad motivations either. That much has been proved in my life, in these circumstances and others, so, so, so many times. And in the words of Sherlock Holmes (Arthur Doyle), "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth." So, the motivations are still good. Fantastic. A-OK.
But now what? Am I one day going to encounter a barrier which I am going to need to slam into it in order to break through to where I need to be? Is all of this previous crashing is just practice for that? Well, possibly. Is there something inside of me that needs to break? Again, maybe. And right now these are the only logical explainations I can find. But they're also not something I can really concern myself with until I actually get to that point. I still need something, some new direction to go in, until I reach that level. Or I sit down and lament how crappy my life is and then never get up again. That's an option.
But I've tried that too, over the years, and it doesn't get anywhere. Doesn't change anything. So the options are, a crappy life that I'm trying to fix, or a crappy life that I'm whinging about. Nor is giving up a realistic option, either, because it only lasts for a time anyway. Best case scenario, it gives me a bit of breathing room if I need it.
**
Friday was devastating. This week, actually, I'm ok. I still (desperately!) need a direction to go in, but I'm not a wreck anymore. I wasn't a wreck for very long, actually. At church on Saturday, we sang a hymn that I'm sure I've sung dozens if not hundreds of times. The last line of that hymn is "Here in the power of Christ I'll stand". And it somehow struck me then, in a way that it hadn't ever done before, that it's not just, like, "here on Earth", or even, "here, where the power of Christ is", but like, here-here. Here, right now, in my current situation. With the power of Christ in my life, I will stand here. I will invest in those emotionally untenable relationships, and see if something more beautiful can't grow in their stead, and I will be right here, not going anywhere. It's hard; very hard. It's kind of disorienting. It is definitely much more scary than any of the options that involve leaving for a new adventure. Because it's the only option where things getting even worse is a very real possiblitity. It's going to take courage like I never dreamed, and more love than I think that I have. But as best as I can, I will plant, and then reap the harvest. Right here.