resisting the fish hook when the world is a net

foolish people 3 [2/3]

2015-02-21T16:32:48Z

foolish people 3

Dec 2010

They are in the middle of SS3, located in Guangzhou for their last performance of 2010, when they hear the news. They are rearranging the members of Super Junior-M, and the new members are Sungmin and Hyukjae.

The silence in the room is palpable. Gazes are exchanged, profanities are muttered, and in the middle of this, Sungmin feels as though he can’t breathe. Super Junior-M is to have a comeback with a song about ethereal beauty and a divine love, and the song is titled Perfection.

Sungmin tries to meet Hyukjae’s eyes in his desperation to grasp the news, but Hyukjae seems to be too preoccupied with trying to understand what’s going on himself. The two of them are joining Super Junior-M. They will have a comeback with a song called Perfection. Sungmin snorts, then lets his eyes wander off toward Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun is glaring at nothing, his hands clenched into fists. Sungmin feels his stomach drop, the news finally sinking in. The fact that he’s now a part of Super Junior-M means that he will have to spend a lot of time with Kyuhyun. The past few months have been alienating, as the man has blatantly ignored him at every occasion where they have been in the same room. Oftentimes he has not been let into his own bedroom because Kyuhyun hasn’t felt like having him there. And now they are going to promote a new song together. Whatever excitement of a new project is suffocated as soon as it has been fed, and Sungmin doesn’t know if he wants to laugh or cry at the news and its horrible timing.

His eyes then snap over at Donghae, who is already scowling at him. Sungmin flushes, realizing that he’s also in Super Junior-M. It can’t be. Both Kyuhyun and Donghae. He almost wants to laugh out loud by how ridiculous the entire scene is.

When the managers have finished explaining the details of the comeback, the members are left to themselves, and Sungmin seeks out Hyukjae to mull over the news of their addition to the sub-group. However, amidst the roaring discussions that arises as soon as the managers head out, he can’t help but notice Kyuhyun, who leaves the room without a word. His eyes follow the man as he sneaks out and shuts the door behind him, and he wonders where he’s going.

Then he has to remind himself that he doesn’t care.

∞

Kyuhyun enters his room without turning the lights on and darts for the bed, burying himself beneath heavy blankets. His body is shuddering to the point he’s starting to hurt, and a wave of sickness churns within.

Oh god, he moans under his breath, squeezing his eyes shut to calm the dizziness. It can’t possibly get any worse than this. It just can’t. Super Junior-M’s comeback could have been the perfect escape. It could have been his time to heal, but instead he’s forced to pry open his wounds.

Fingers digging into his skin, he holds in a pained cry. The four months of touring was bad enough: the empty smiles, the gut-wrenching laughs, the almost to good to be true acting of everything being okay… Displays of affection that he knows was just as sickening for Sungmin as it was for him. And now they are forced to go through all of that all over again.

Kyuhyun feels another wave of sickness churn, and this time he barely holds it down. Why him? And why have the comeback now? Kyuhyun tries not to cry, because he has done enough of that the last year. The timing is just too horrible for it to be fair.

The sickness within swirls and he sobs, burying his face in the blankets. He is haunted by memories of late nights and cries of his name, clawing at his skin, and disgusting heat. He thinks about all the things he has said the past months: all the odious rejections, all the serpentine lies. And he can’t stand it anymore.

Ignorance, he figures, has the capacity to be the cruelest thing in the world.

∞

Something is going to go terribly wrong. There’s no doubt in Hyukjae’s mind as soon as the news finally dawn upon him. Something is going to go terribly wrong, but Hyukjae doesn’t know what, and that scares him. If someone had asked him one year ago, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?”, he would probably have said, “That they kill each other.” However, Hyukjae feels as though they already have.

Hyukjae knocks on Donghae’s door, anxious about the news and how Donghae is handling them. It only takes a second before the door is ajar and Donghae’s dark figure peeks through the crack. His eyes are swollen, but Hyukjae decides not to point it out.

Can I come in?

Donghae doesn’t say anything. He merely turns away from the door, eyes on the floor, and heads back inside leaving the door open for Hyukjae to enter. Hyukjae closes the door silently after him, and watches as Donghae seats himself on the edge of the bed, eyes trained on his lap.

What do you want? Donghae asks, fumbling with his fingers. His voice is groggy, and Hyukjae’s eyes fall upon the sleeves of his sweater, stained with tears that haven’t even had the chance to dry. Heart sinking in his chest, Hyukjae sits down next to him.

I wanted to talk to you about Sungmin and me being added to M. I mean, I didn’t expect that, and I can only imagine what you’re thinking. Having the past year in mind and all.

Donghae snorts. Well, it certainly was a surprise.

Given the situation between the three of you, Hyukjae says, I think that this is kind of… what, the worst that could happen right now?

With a shake of his head, Donghae chuckles, expression turning solemn. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t have anything in particular against you. It’s just… Both Sungmin and Kyuhyun in M? Seriously? I—

His voice cracks up and Hyukjae frowns.

What about Kyuhyun?

Donghae turns quiet for a long time, avoiding the scrutinizing stare of Hyukjae. Suddenly realizing the implications of his silence, Hyukjae curses, running a hand through his hair.

What the hell have you done now?

Me? Donghae cries, staring wide-eyed at Hyukjae. Me? What have I done?

Hyukjae shakes his head, wiping his face. You three really are unbelievable. Unbelievable. Why can’t you just stop? Damn it!

Why don’t you ask Kyuhyun? Ask him what the hell his problem is, and maybe things wouldn’t have been so bad! I mean, if only he would let me talk—

Donghae’s voice cracks up yet again, and tears pour out, soaking his face. Why can’t he just let me talk to him?

Hyukjae stills, wide-eyed as Donghae succumbs to his tears. His stomach flips as Donghae bawls his eyes out, and he resists the urge to storm up to Kyuhyun’s room, yank him out of his self-pity, and beat it out of him. He knows it won’t solve anything.

Donghae, he says softly, and puts his hand on his back. Try to understand. I know you’re angry with Sungmin, but I think he has a hard time as well. Can’t you at least be civil with each other?

Donghae stops the crying almost immediately, scowling at Hyukjae. Oh, I should’ve known, he spits, his words as venomous as his glare. It’s Sungmin’s advocate I’m speaking to. What the hell was I thinking? No! No, I can’t. Not after what he did. Never.

Why not…?

He took him away from me, Donghae says in a sigh, his voice strained as he speaks. Kyuhyun is rejecting me because he still loves that son of a bitch. Don’t you know that?

∞

When January comes, the preparations are finally getting to its final stages. They have spent hours upon hours practicing choreography, Chinese pronunciation, singing, and how to fool everyone into thinking that everything is perfectly okay. Sungmin feels that he’s starting to master the latter very well. He smiles all day, because that’s all he can do. Despite being thrown between Kyuhyun and Donghae, he grits his teeth into a blinding grin, and it’s almost as if he’s starting to believe his own bad acting.

Sungmin does his best. Even though the Chinese proves to be harder than he initially thought, he does his best. There’s nothing else he can do. He ignores Kyuhyun, ignores Donghae, and focuses on the tasks at hand. He can’t let himself succumb into that dark, foolish game any longer. However, he can’t help but notice that things aren’t going well for Kyuhyun and Donghae. Kyuhyun seems to be ignoring Donghae, rejecting all attempts at engaging him in any sort of activities, and Sungmin is curious. He pretends to flip through the lyrics of their new songs, and tries to listen in on their short exchanges of words. However, he doesn’t hear anything he hasn’t heard before himself. Things like “fuck off”, “go away” and “leave me alone” are more or less the only things he hears from Kyuhyun, whereas “please” is what seems to be the only thing Donghae knows how to say.

Putting his curiosity aside, Sungmin again reminds himself that he’s over that now. He doesn’t have anything to do with them anymore. He’s over it. He won’t seek them out. He doesn’t need any answers anymore. It’s better that way. Nonetheless, old habits are hard to break, and his curiosity is like a shore to a wave, drawing him in even though he wants out to the sea. And so he keeps on listening in on them.

∞

Despite hating every moment he’s in the same room as Sungmin and Donghae, Kyuhyun does as best as he can. Since they are preparing a comeback together, they naturally have to spend a lot of time together. There’s no running away from it, and it sickens him. But he does his best. He tries not to say anything in their presence in the fear of exploding at them, and instead keeps it in. He finds it better that way. His therapist doesn’t like it, but Kyuhyun doesn’t care. He has to in order to keep sane.

He’s preparing the studio for song practice, and enjoys the quiet and privacy it brings. It’s the few times during the day when he knows the rest of the members are busy, and the few times he knows that he can have some time to himself to think. However, it doesn’t take long until the members start streaming in to the studio. Kyuhyun sits down and waits, bracing himself.

Zhou Mi and Henry sit down next to Kyuhyun, as they have grown closer during the preparations. They have helped him extensively with his Chinese, and as a result, helped him with ignoring Donghae and Sungmin. Being with them is like taking a break from everything that has happened the past year, and Kyuhyun can sincerely say that he needs it. He runs a hand through his hair and tries to talk to them in Chinese, practicing the language just to keep his mind busy.

That’s when Sungmin enters the room. He’s mid-sentence when his eyes land upon him, and he freezes. Sungmin is standing beside Siwon, smiling—even laughing—about something Kyuhyun can’t even guess. Kyuhyun feels his heart hammer with anger, and he has to really focus on calming his fury. Zhou Mi, who was speaking to him at this point, waves his hand in front of his face, asking if he’s okay.

You just suddenly spaced out… Are you all right?

Kyuhyun waves his hand dismissively, taking a deep breath. Yeah, sure, don’t mind me. I just… Nevermind.

His eyes stay on the floor. Zhou Mi, probably sensing that something in fact is wrong, puts a hand on Kyuhyun’s shoulder and squeezes. Kyuhyun wants to cry. He doesn’t even know why, but it seems that he can’t be in the same room as any of them without experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions. How can Sungmin smile when things are like this? Is this all a game to him? Does he enjoy seeing Kyuhyun suffer? These thoughts surface his mind, and he’s starting to feel dizzy. Is this really just a—

—Kyuhyun? Hello? Earth is calling! The song instructor is here.

Zhou Mi is snapping his fingers in front of Kyuhyun’s eyes and Kyuhyun shakes his head.

I’m so sorry. I’m okay. I just have a lot on my mind, he blurts out, and Zhou Mi hums, crossing his arms across his chest.

Really now? Anyway, we’re starting practice now, and since you have the first lines, we kind of need you to start.

Oh. Yes. Yes, of course, Kyuhyun mumbles, then clears his throat and picks up the sheet including the lyrics and melody. He peeks over at Sungmin and Siwon and swallows, nibbling his lip while waiting at the song instructor’s cue.

They go through the song as a whole first before they start nitpicking at the individual parts. Kyuhyun has practiced a lot with Zhou Mi and Henry, so his lines are more or less ready for recording already. He sings his lines sincerely nonetheless, wanting to get the song practice over with, and wanting to impress the newcomers. He wants to show them what they are being compared to, what they are expected to accomplish. With a gleeful smirk, he tries not to watch the awestruck expressions of the two of them as he pronounces the lyrics perfectly.

Eventually the turn switches to the others, and when it’s finally Sungmin’s turn, Kyuhyun sits quietly, anticipating Sungmin’s lines. He’s curious of what Sungmin might have learned during self-practice, given the fact that this is the first proper song practice where everyone is gathered. A part of him hopes that Sungmin, with his mere two lines, will pull it off perfectly so they can move on without a fuss. Another part of him can’t wait to see Sungmin fail.

When Sungmin eventually sings, the lines come out clumsily, and the pronunciation is way off. He’s the worst of all the members, as even Hyukjae’s English rap sounded better than the lines Sungmin produced. Kyuhyun’s jaw drops. He can’t believe what he’s hearing.

What the hell is this? Kyuhyun cries out. Did you not receive the lyrics before now, or what?

Sungmin looks down to the side, cheeks red. Kyuhyun stands up.

You had two lines, and you can’t do that? Even I know your lines, and I won’t ever sing them! Listen at this, Kyuhyun roars and sings Sungmin’s lines furiously, pronunciation spot on. Doesn’t that sound okay to you? And I spent yesterday practicing my lines!

Kyuhyun—! Zhou Mi cries, mortified by Kyuhyun’s outburst, but Kyuhyun ignores all the protests from the other members.

I mean, you can’t have looked at the lyrics if what you just sung is the best you can do. I mean, despite everything I had at least some faith in you. Who the hell are you?

Sungmin’s flush deepens, and he stutters, squirming in his seat.

Answer me! Kyuhyun shouts, and this is when the song instructor grabs him by the shoulder, asking him to calm down.

As much as I can agree that his lines is not the best I’ve heard, you are crossing a line, Kyuhyun. Please see me for a moment, the song instructor commands, but Kyuhyun shrugs the instructor’s hand off his shoulder. The disrespectful gesture elicits gasps from the other members.

Two goddamn lines, Kyuhyun says in a scoff, scowling at Sungmin. And to think they added you to this group. When I first heard your name called, I asked ‘why’ because I didn’t want you here. But now I really want to know why, because I really don’t understand their decision. I think that they would’ve added someone with at least some talent!

At this, Hyukjae stands up, yelling, That’s enough! You have no right to say that! Who the hell do you think you are?

His last words are broken by a furious sob, and he glares at Kyuhyun through tear-stained eyes.

I might not be the best myself, but at least I can acknowledge that Sungmin is trying! What the hell do you know about effort, Kyuhyun?

The instructor finally breaks between the quarreling men, putting the song practice on halt and telling them to take the rest of the day off to “clear things up”. Meanwhile, Sungmin is staring at the floor, muttering something incomprehensible before storming out of the room. Everyone stares mortified at Kyuhyun, as if they can’t believe what they just heard.

That was unnecessary. He just learned Chinese and you know that, Zhou Mi scolds, his expression filled with disappointment. What’s the matter with you today?

Kyuhyun scoffs, eyes at the door, clearly dismissing Zhou Mi and the rest of the members.

Come on, let’s go, Siwon says, who had been sitting next to Sungmin, and takes Hyukjae, who is succumbed into tears with him. The rest of the members follow suit, even Donghae, and Kyuhyun is left to himself in the studio, where he breaks down as soon as everyone has left.

What the hell do you know about effort, Kyuhyun?

∞

Sungmin draws his knees tightly to his chest, resting his forehead on his knees. Humiliated by the public abuse from Kyuhyun, Sungmin feels like dying.

I mean, despite everything I had at least some faith in you. Who the hell are you?

He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anymore, and he feels like he’s right back where he started, desperately wanting Kyuhyun’s approval. He had faith in him. Kyuhyun had faith in him to do well, and he let him down. Sungmin groans, furiously wiping away the stubborn tears that emerge from his eyes. It shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter, and yet it does.

Angry with himself, Sungmin stands up from the floor and looks for his jacket. He needs air.

∞

Hyukjae runs into Sungmin on his way in to the hotel, having searched for him everywhere the past hour. As his eyes land upon Sungmin, he storms after him and grabs him by the shoulder, instinctively checking if there are any new scars on his body.

Sungmin! Where the hell have you been? Are you okay? Hyukjae demands, face contorting into a concerned frown. Sungmin shrugs off Hyukjae’s hand dismissively, and mumbles something Hyukjae can't hear before turning away from him. Hyukjae is relentless, and grabs him by his wrist as he’s about to leave.

Let go of me! Sungmin yells, gaining the attention of the guards standing by the entrance door of the hotel they are staying at. Hyukjae, scared of gaining unwanted attention, releases Sungmin’s wrist.

Where are you going? Hyukjae asks, just as Sungmin turns to leave again. Can’t you at least tell me where you’re going?

Sungmin stops a few steps ahead and turns, the smile on his face unsettling. If you could go anywhere you wanted, for as long as you wanted… Would you?

Hyukjae freezes, eyes widening. What did you—?

Sungmin chuckles and says, I remember that walk, before the Bonamana promotions. I think about it all the time.

Hyukjae’s shoulders drop, and he walks over to Sungmin’s side quietly, finding it hard to keep his tears at bay. His worry that Sungmin might have hurt himself after what happened in the studio diminishes, and instead he feels as tough Sungmin is in a place Hyukjae can’t even fathom. Hyukjae feels helpless when looking into Sungmin’s eyes. It’s like a deep pit of darkness, barren of life, only filled with the ashes of suffocated flames. Just darkness. Just sadness. But strangely, content.

Oh, Sungmin, he says, inhaling shakily. Sungmin, what should we do? What can we do?

And while Hyukjae feels like collapsing, Sungmin is the one who keeps him up on his feet this time, the grip he has on Hyukjae's shoulder strong.

There’s nothing we can do, Hyukjae. Nothing. I’m so, so sorry.

∞

The curses seem endless as he clutches the toilet bowl for what seems to be the millionth time the past year. The entire bathroom is a mess. All his belongings lay strewn across the floor, and there is a puddle of bile in the middle of the floor from when he didn’t reach the toilet in time. His sweaty clothes are thrown on top of the counter, the shower and the floor.

Kyuhyun heaves for air, and pulls of his boxers and throws it across the room, shivering by the cold. Goosebumps perks up on his skin, and he retches, nothing ejecting but blood from the soreness of his throat. He’s drained. Heaving for air once again, he rests his head on top of the toilet seat.

I’m losing my mind, Kyuhyun thinks to himself, groaning as the usual migraine that follows after the vomiting. I’ve lost my mind.

∞

The atmosphere is tense during dance practice the next day, and Kyuhyun and Sungmin spend most of it exchanging glares. Talking to them proves meaningless, as none of them can seem to pry their eyes off the other, and eventually even the dance instructor has had enough. After a heavy round of scolding, he leaves the room, but it doesn’t seem to affect Kyuhyun, whose glare seems to only grow darker. Sungmin, on the other hand, stops the glaring and starts feeling victimized.

Dance practice abruptly finishing, they all sit down on the floor, uncertain of what to do. However, Kyuhyun’s glaring seems to be never-ending, and eventually Ryeowook has had enough. He throws his water bottle down at the floor, successfully gaining everyone’s attention.

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. If there’s anything you disagree about, why don’t you just get it out right now or let it be? Fight it out if that’s what it takes, but your childish games are starting to affect us as well and I’ll have none of that. I mean, even our dance instructor walked out on us! What’s the matter with you?

Ryeowook places his hands on his hips and scowls at the both of them. Behind him, some of the other members murmur in agreement.

Well? he presses, and Kyuhyun and Sungmin meet eyes. With a scoff Sungmin rises to his feet and steps up toward Ryeowook.

Fine, Sungmin agrees, eyes still trained at Kyuhyun. I’ll fight it out. If that’s what you want. I’m sick of this, too.

Kyuhyun frowns at this, not liking the direction the situation is heading. His eyes flicker between the members and eventually rest on Sungmin, who is scowling at him with matching intensity. With a shake of his head, he stands up in front of Sungmin, inhaling deeply. The rest of the members fan out into a half-circle around the pair, uneasiness noticeable. Kyuhyun is starting to feel apprehensive, really not liking the direction the situation is heading. They can’t be serious about them actually fighting it out, can they…? Everyone knows Sungmin is advantageous in this situation, despite the difference in size.

Yes? Can you please tell me what the hell I’ve done to you? You look at me like I’m some goddamn vermin, and I haven’t even spoken to you lately. What have I done to deserve this now, huh? Tell me!

Kyuhyun rolls his eyes, wondering if Sungmin really can be that stupid.

What you’ve done to me? What haven’t you done?

Sungmin’s voice is quiet. Could this possibly be because of what happened eight months ago, or is it something new this time?

The room falls silent like a blanket just dropped over it, and everyone stands frozen, the shock in their faces difficult to hide. Kyuhyun is at a loss of words as well, and he shakes his head as if he can’t believe Sungmin’s bluntness. Running a hand through his hair, he takes two steps toward Sungmin, trying to hide his uneasiness. He raises his chin, looking down at the other condescendingly.

You know what? I’m sick of this. I’m sick of seeing you pitying yourself. It makes me sick to even think about how pitiful you are, smiling despite feeling sorry for yourself. And how could you be so selfish to even think about killing yourself because of me? What do you think that does to me? Do I really deserve that? I get that you were hurt because we broke up, but that’s too much. How can you be that selfish?

Kyuhyun’s expression darkens.

I never asked you to do what you did, and all this pain that’s going on is all your fault. You trying to kill yourself were all your fault. Blaming me is unfair, because I didn’t ask you to kill yourself because of me. Why couldn’t you just let go and—

The blow throws Kyuhyun off balance. He stumbles backwards into the mirror, blood gathering inside his mouth, and it takes a long time for him to understand what just happened. In front of him stands Sungmin, fist still clenched, heaving for air.

You idiot, Sungmin growls, eyes ablaze. Have you lost your mind? How can you come to me and tell me this is all my fault?

Kyuhyun dries the corners of his mouth with the back of his hand and gathers himself. Around them, the rest of the members are dead silent, unmoving. Donghae is especially quiet, and doesn’t even look at them.

I—

No, Kyuhyun. Listen. Listen to me! How can you even think I did it because of you? And then come here guilt-ridden and say I shouldn’t have done it because it’s unfair toward you? Are you insane?

Kyuhyun starts and pushes away from the mirror, striding toward Sungmin. However, Sungmin is more collected than he is, and before Kyuhyun can even make contact, Sungmin jerks his knee into his stomach and throws him to the side. Kyuhyun falls toward the ground with a cry, and drops to the floor with a thud.

You’re unbelievable, Sungmin says and scoffs, running a hand through his hair. You really don’t understand anything. How can you actually come here and say that? What’s the matter with you? This conversation is over. I have nothing else to say.

With a grimace he storms toward the door but halts midway, turning his head to the side.

And for the record, I don’t pity myself anymore. I pity you.

He then turns on his heels and storms out of the studio, slamming the door behind him.

Kyuhyun looks after him as he leaves, gathering himself up on the floor. His mouth hangs open, at a loss of what to say, and doesn’t even dare to look toward the other members. He feels so embarrassed, so ashamed, of what he just said, and he can’t bear to stay in the room for one more second.

He has to get away.

*
p.s. it took me five rewrites to get this done so i'm sorry this is erhm late
p.s.s. there will be another part, for those who didn't notice the change from 1/2 to 1/3
p.s.s.s. i swear that will be the last part i swear
p.s.s.s.s. on another note, i loved the scene where sungmin hit kyuhyun :-)))))

see you in part 3! ♡♡

foolish people 3 [1/3]

2014-10-24T18:46:23Z

foolish people 3
kyuhae, kyumin / r / 4400w, 4500w
It's been three months since the incident with Sungmin.

notes: part 2 will be out...soon.
warnings: mentions of severe depression and different types of self-harm, also some psychological issues.

foolish people 3

Aug 2010

Tell me again, what happened?

He tried to kill himself.

Kyuhyun, you know what I mean. What really happened?

I…

You spoke earlier about ‘fault’. Whose ‘fault’ was this?

Mine, probably. But mostly his. His.

I see. Do you blame him then, for what he did?

I don’t know, maybe.

I see you’re clenching your fist. What emotions are you experiencing now?

I don’t know. Anger. Guilt. Sick. Hate.

Do you hate him?

Well.

Kyuhyun, do you hate Sungmin, even after all this time?

...Yes.

∞

May 2010

Kyuhyun’s knocking turns frantic, the bathtub behind the closed door slowly filling up. He hears Sungmin’s muted sobs inside, and it feels like his chest is clawed open. He’s scared. The sound of the water crashing down in the tub horrifies him, anxiety latching onto him like a paralysing beast. He’s scared of what Sungmin might do. Scared of what Sungmin is doing.

Please.

He wonders if there’s any way to knock down the door. He looks around himself, eyes frantically searching the room, but it’s empty. Horrified, he stares at the door again.

Please don’t do this.

Kyuhyun lunges at the door, shoulder first, but to no avail. Kyuhyun yells in frustration, knocking violently while calling after Sungmin. There’s no reply and he lunges at the door again, tears forming in his eyes.

Not again.

Hyukjae arrives from the kitchen, stirred from his slumber by the ruckus Kyuhyun makes. Standing at the end of the hallway, he stares wide-eyed at the scene ahead of him, mortified as he watches Kyuhyun attack the door. When the situation dawns upon him, however, his face turns pale.

Where’s Sungmin?

Kyuhyun pauses for a brief moment, eyes moving from Hyukjae to the door. He blinks. Hyukjae raises his eyebrows, and without a word Kyuhyun turns his back at him and leaps for the door, crying out Sungmin's name. Hyukjae runs over to him and bumps into the door in rhythm with Kyuhyun, not sparing the time to ask questions.

The water inside eventually stops.

Both of them halts, eyes meeting, and it’s like the world is set on pause. They hear the slush of the water spilling over the edge, and Hyukjae fumbles before he runs to the kitchen while Kyuhyun starts knocking.

Sungmin! Sungmin, open the door! Come on, goddamn it!

Hyukjae arrives with the fire extinguisher and Kyuhyun steps back, watches as Hyukjae attacks the door handle until it breaks down. Partly amazed that it actually worked, they meet eyes again as the door creaks open. Without hesitation, they push their way inside the bathroom.

Sungmin rushes up from the water, and glares bewildered at Kyuhyun and Hyukjae who stands on top of each other in the doorway. Sungmin’s face is swollen and red, dripping wet and expression hurt. His eyes are gleaming, dark and unreadable, and his hair clings to his forehead like a second skin. Kyuhyun gulps and drops his eyes to the ground, heart racing.

Hyukjae pushes past Kyuhyun and strides toward the tub. Without shame he grabs Sungmin’s upper arm and yanks him up from the water, taking his forearm up front and inspecting it.

Where did you do it? Hyukjae yells, twisting and turning Sungmin’s arm in all directions. Where did you do it?

Sungmin is sobbing, face flushed and water running from his hair and down his face.

Hyukjae, let go of me!

Tell me right now, where did you do it?!

Tears entwine with the water on Sungmin’s face, and he squeezes his eyes shut, sobbing aggravating.

I didn’t do it! I— I didn’t do it!

In the doorway Kyuhyun stands still, staring at the scene ahead of him while trembling. He can’t move. He can’t move, and he clenches his fist as Hyukjae embraces Sungmin tightly—Thank God Sungmin you didn’t—and wonders why he isn’t doing anything, why he’s only standing there like a fool.

Then he remembers it’s all his fault.

∞

Aug 2010

Donghae is squatting by the TV in the living room, shuffling through a row of DVDs. He sighs as his finger gently trails over the back of ‘Titanic’, and wonders why they only have old classics in their dorms. He’s seen most of them a thousand times already, and he’s tired of keeping to the same old. It’s not like he can go watch the new movies at the movie theatre whenever he wants.

A door slams behind him. He doesn’t look up, but instead contemplates whether he’s in the mood at all, until he feels a hand on his shoulder and is suddenly yanked backward. He tumbles to the ground with a surprised cry, a handful of DVDs scattering to the ground along with him. Hyukjae reveals himself over him, eyes ablaze with anger.

What the hell are you doing? Hyukjae barks, and Donghae fumbles.

I was going to ask the same, he retorts, gathering himself up from the floor. However, before he has gotten any further than raising his upper body, Hyukjae pushes him back down with his foot.

No, you sit down and listen to me. Do you have any idea what the hell you’re doing?

Donghae scowls at the foot placed on his torso, pressing his lips together into a fine line.

I was looking for a movie to watch, he mutters, I don’t know what the hell you think you are doing.

Hyukjae doesn’t look impressed.

You know what I’m talking about.

Donghae clenches his fists, looking down at Hyukjae’s legs.

That’s none of your business.

Sungmin is my friend. So is Kyuhyun. So is you. Especially you, Donghae. I mean—

Get lost.

Hyukjae crosses his arms across his chest, head turned to the side. The room seems to go unwaveringly still, and for a moment the air feels so thick Donghae can hardly breathe. His eyes move over to the hallway ahead where a shadow moves.

I can’t let you keep doing this, Hyukjae says then, voice strained. Super Show 3 starts in less than a week. We can’t have the three of you fooling around like this while we’re on tour. I mean, seriously? Nothing has happened since the incident with Sungmin. You keep hurting each other in this vicious circle, and I just can’t bear to watch it anymore!

And what exactly are you going to do about it?

Hyukjae scoffs, still averting his head from Donghae. Donghae sighs. Hyukjae has always been emotional. Every action and every word delivered by Hyukjae is always loaded with so much sentiment that Donghae feels strangled by it, almost claustrophobic. He wonders for a second why Hyukjae bothers at all, because Hyukjae is probably the one who’ll get the most hurt in the end and Hyukjae knows it. Being emotional has its weaknesses, and Donghae thinks that caring too much about others is one of them. However, Hyukjae has a tendency to reach out into the flames to save the moths when they are already ashes. It’s too late.

Did you know that Sungmin could hear us during the night-time? Donghae says then, shaking his head. He was awake, you know, all the time while I was there. He thought I didn’t notice. But I knew. I always knew, and it just made it better. Back then I always knew what Sungmin was thinking. I could see it in his eyes. I see it now, too. He loathes me. He can’t stand the sight of me. Kyuhun as well. We make him sick. But it’s just because he’s jealous, you know. It’s because he can’t let go, because he still loves Kyuhyun even after all this.

Hyukjae stills, arching his eyebrows. He parts his lips as if he wants to speak, but Donghae cuts him to it.

But you know what? There is nothing I can do about any of this no matter how much I know, because ultimately none of this is because of me. Same goes for you.

Donghae rises into a sitting position, and Hyukjae doesn’t stop him.

You know, I never told Kyuhyun to break up with Sungmin, or Sungmin to attempt suicide. All of that wasn’t my doing. So why the hell are you mad at me? Kyuhyun broke up with Sungmin, and it was Kyuhyun who came to me. I didn’t seek him out, I just didn’t say no.

Donghae takes some time to think, and chuckles.

What Sungmin did has nothing to do with me either. It was his own choice to hurt himself, his own choice to attempt suicide, his own choice to lie there in the room like a fucking pervert, listening in on us. And then there’s you, blaming me for all of this. So, you ask me if I know what I’m doing? It depends on what you think I’m doing. The way I see it, all I’ve done is gotten together with Kyuhyun, and I don’t think you can blame me for that.

Hyukjae wipes his face with his palms and shakes his head.

What you and Kyuhyun do together is one thing and I don't really care about that. However, it concerns me a lot that none of you seem to understand how you included—include—Sungmin in all this. I mean, you continued fucking Kyuhyun while Sungmin was in the room? “It made it better”? Where the hell is your humanity? It's not like he had anywhere to go!

Donghae licks his lips.

Hyukjae, please. It was hardly a one-sided thing.

With a scoff, Hyukjae turns to the side, arms resting at his hips. Then he frowns, as he sees a shadow moving in the hallway, followed by the sound of a door closing.

Are you sure about that, Donghae?

∞

Kyuhyun closes the door behind him and drops to his knees, grasping at the floor to steady himself. Everything swirls around him, and he has a hard time focusing. He had just woken up when he heard ruckus from the living room, where he saw Hyukjae standing on top of Donghae. He couldn’t hear much of their conversation, but he knows what it was about. He leans his back against the door and draws his knees to his chest, wondering if Hyukjae knew about the three of them all along, and how. Then he thinks about Sungmin, and he feels his eyes sting. It’s been three months since Sungmin’s suicide attempt, and the more Kyuhyun thinks about it, the sicker he gets. It’s been three months, and Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to feel anymore.

The voices in the living room quiets down, and he hears the front door opening and closing, followed by total silence. He wonders for a second if he’s alone, until there’s a faint knocking on his door.

Kyuhyun? It’s me, Donghae.

Hearing his voice starts something within Kyuhyun, and he rests his head on his knees, inhaling shakily. Donghae has always been a mystery. At one point he's shoving Kyuhyun against the wall, hissing that Kyuhyun's his. The other second he's blurting out how he loves Kyuhyun, and acts like a kicked puppy around him. And now he claims to have known about Sungmin being awake all along? Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to believe anymore, and frankly, he doesn’t know how to even get started.

Come on, open the door. I know you’re in there.

Donghae knocks silently on the door again. Kyuhyun doesn’t speak or move, and he listens quietly to Donghae’s movements. There’s a thud, before it sounds like Donghae sits down on the floor, leaning his back against the door. It’s almost like Kyuhyun can feel Donghae’s back against his, and he shudders.

Look… It’s not what it seems like. Please, if you could just give me a chance to explain—

With a groan, Kyuhyun rises up on his feet and quietly heads for his bed. He doesn’t know what to make out of it, what it all means. Everything confuses him. Donghae confuses him. In fact, he confuses himself and it’s all too much.

Kyuhyun?

He falls down on his bed and cloaks himself in his blanket, covering all but his face like a fortress of duvet. His head is pounding, and he stares out in the air, frowning as everything seems to quiver in front of him. He closes his eyes. Donghae rises and walks away, and eventually the room falls silent again. Kyuhyun lets out a breath. He hears the faint buzz of his computer, and the cackle of the wind colliding with the window, but otherwise it’s entirely quiet. Kyuhyun opens his eyes. Everything is still moving in front of him, and he is starting to feel dizzy.

Squinting slightly, Kyuhyun tries to make out the outline of Sungmin’s side of the room, the darkness cloaking it like a veil. It’s neat, except for the blanket tossed around on the bed. There’s not a lot of stuff otherwise. Kyuhyun thinks he has moved them to other rooms, most likely Hyukjae’s, and perhaps some to Shindong’s apartment.

Sighing by his silly observations, Kyuhyun closes his eyes to sleep. However, he can’t seem to find any peace. As soon as he closes his eyes, images of Sungmin’s naked body covered in blood haunts him. He sees the deep cut on Sungmin’s wrist, and he starts shaking, not noticing he’s crying until his pillow is soaking wet. Drying tear-stains from his face, Kyuhyun grimaces and turns on his back, staring at the ceiling. It’s white, like Sungmin’s face when they got him up from the tub—

Kyuhyun flinches and shakes his head. Everywhere and everything he looks at reminds Kyuhyun of the horrible things he’s seen, and he wonders for a second if his therapist is serious when she says that he should try and move on. Maybe even forgive himself.

He clenches his fists. If only Sungmin hadn’t done it. If only Sungmin had moved on, hadn’t dwelled on Kyuhyun the way he did. If only Sungmin hadn’t done what he did, and because of him. When the tears eventually dries up, Kyuhyun feels angry. He’s angry that anyone could even think of doing something like that. Killing oneself, and because of another person. Did Sungmin really not know how that would make Kyuhyun feel? How it still makes Kyuhyun feel?

Taking a deep breath, Kyuhyun tries to calm down. He hears the faint buzz from his computer and the wind hitting the window, and he stares up at the ceiling again. White, like Sungmin’s face when they pulled him up from the tub. He lets the thought rest with him for a while and feels his anger return. If only Sungmin hadn’t done it. If only Sungmin had moved on, hadn’t dwelled on Kyuhyun the way he did. Why couldn’t Sungmin just let go?

With a sigh, Kyuhyun turns over in his bed again and buries his face in his pillow. He never asked for anyone to lean on him. Sungmin and Donghae are both latching onto him like magnets, and Kyuhyun has to push them away once and for all. The only problem is that he doesn't know how.

∞

Come on, don’t be silly. Open the door.

No.

It’s my room as well, you know.

Go away.

Kyuhyun—

Stop bothering me! Why can’t you just stop bothering me?

∞

May 2010

Donghae knocks silently on the door to Kyuhyun’s room. He doesn’t hear anyone inside, but he knows Kyuhyun’s there. Heart hammering in his chest, he pushes the door ajar and sneaks inside, a wall of darkness meeting him on the other side.

He hears the duvet shuffle, and a dark form rises underneath it. He can’t see it, but Donghae feels Kyuhyun’s eyes on him.

Not tonight, Kyuhyun mumbles. Just not tonight.

Is Sungmin here? Donghae asks, but Kyuhyun doesn’t reply. Donghae moves over to Sungmin’s side of the bedroom, which he figures is empty. He sits down on top of Sungmin’s bed and pats on the space beside him. Kyuhyun scoffs.

What do you want?

Come here.

Kyuhyun does. He sits down silently, and Donghae feels his body getting warm, his stomach flip. It’s like a thousand bees swirl inside his stomach, chaotically and fiercely, stinging on his insides. His nervousness numbs his voice, and he grips his thighs, nails digging into his jeans. He’s shaking.

What do you want? Kyuhyun repeats, and Donghae gulps.

Kyuhyun?

Yeah.

I—I love you. You know that, right?

It’s dead silent, and Donghae halfway regrets saying it. He used to say it to see if Kyuhyun would get angry, to check if he still loved Sungmin, but now it feels different for him. However, after what Sungmin did, Kyuhyun has been different. Kyuhyun had started warming up to him, started to accept his kisses, but ever since the incident, he’s been hard to reach. But Donghae only wants him more. Donghae isn’t finished with him.

Kyuhyun—?

Just stop.

Donghae stammers, tries to find his words, but they are like water in his hands. He turns his head to look at Kyuhyun, and as his vision has started to adjust to the darkness, he can see Kyuhyun is facing forward. His expression is dead.

What—

Whatever it is that you’re doing, stop with it right now, Kyuhyun says. I can’t do this right now. Not since… That. Not now.

So you… you seriously still love him then?

Kyuhyun stills for a moment, and it’s like time stops. Donghae can hear his own breathing, and it’s driving him insane. Kyuhyun is driving him insane. Waiting on him like this is nerve-wrecking, like standing beside a train going in slow motion and only watching it as it collides with a wall. Kyuhyun then grips Donghae’s hand without looking.

Let’s go to sleep.

∞

Aug 2010

The group stands like a herd of sheep by the sidewalk, waiting to be let into the van. Kyuhyun draws his coat tighter around himself, the wind outside chilly. He’s sleepy and annoyed, Donghae talking too loud in the morning as usual. He seems to be full of energy, and it irks Kyuhyun to no end. He’s in no way a morning person, nor has he ever been. His annoyance with Donghae in general isn’t helping either.

He is ushered into the van by the people beside him and drops down on a seat. It’s the seat next to the window, and he looks to the side, feeling his stomach drop. Sungmin is sitting there, head resting on the window and eyes closed. Kyuhyun looks to his left hurriedly for a way out, but Ryeowook has just sat down next to him, and he sinks down on his seat with a heavy sigh. Sungmin’s thigh is warm against his, and Kyuhyun feels an urge to cross his legs. However, there’s no space. He’s practically squished up against Sungmin, and staying that way.

Sungmin momentarily stirs from his sleep, and Kyuhyun wants to roll his eyes. Sungmin looks at him briefly, expression unchanging, before he goes back to sleep. Kyuhyun frowns in annoyance, not sure if it’s of Sungmin’s nonchalance or if it’s just Sungmin in general, then looks toward Ryeowook. Ryeowook is already staring at him, one eyebrow raised.

What? Kyuhyun says, widening his eyes.

You’re just so childish, Ryeowook says, shaking his head before putting in his earplugs. Kyuhyun stares at him dumbfounded, opens his mouth to speak. However, Ryeowook is staring out of the window, closed off from any further discussion. Kyuhyun grimaces, then puts in his own earplugs and sleeps.

∞

Donghae hears the door creak open, eerily like in a horror movie. He puts his manga book down and turns his chair around, facing the door. It’s dark inside the room, as he only has a desk lamp switched on, and the contour of Hyukjae is barely illuminated. Shadows falls upon his bony face, darkening his expression.

Donghae, can we talk?

Hyukjae’s voice is silent, almost as dim as the lights, and Donghae arches an eyebrow.

I’m not really in the mood for scoldings right now, so no.

I... Hyukjae halts, pressing his lips together. I’m not going to. Please hear me out.

Donghae shrugs, and Hyukjae enters the room. He flattens the duvet on Donghae’s bed and sits down carefully, squirming in his seat until he’s remotely comfortable. With a sigh, Donghae crosses his feet on top of the desk and picks up his manga book. He pretends to read it, flips the pages back and forth occasionally, and Hyukjae eventually sighs.

Okay, so, I thought about what you said, Hyukjae says, about Kyuhyun and you.

Donghae freezes, eyes trained at the manga.

I have to admit that, amidst all that’s been going on, the one I’ve paid the least attention to is you. What you said surprised me, to put it that way.

How come? Donghae asks warily, not sure if he wants to hear the answer.

Is it possible… Hyukjae starts, presses his lips together again, then shakes his head. I mean, it couldn’t possibly be, but, do you have feelings for Kyuhyun? Not the “I-want-to-fuck-him” feeling, but more the… You know. Feels.

The questions strikes Donghae like an unexpected punch to the face, and he stammers, trying to find his words. His face is flushed, and he is unsure whether he’s going to be embarrassed or angry that Hyukjae could even ask such a question. Then he asks himself the same question, and he starts to shudder because he already knows the answer.

I… Uhm. I wouldn’t say… Donghae says, but his words thin out and fades. He frowns at the manga in his hand, then looks up at Hyukjae.

Why do you think that? he finally manages to ask, taking a deep breath to steady his composure.

Hyukjae’s expression turns rigid, then forms into a mix of a chuckle and a frown.

You just… seem bitter that Kyuhyun still cares so much about Sungmin, as if you wished he’d cared as much about you when he doesn’t. You seem jealous. That’s why I think that. It doesn’t appear to be just a “I-want-to-fuck-him” type of thing. Correct me if I’m wrong, but we’ve been friends for a very long time. I know you. Or I think I do.

Donghae looks down at his lap and clenches his fists.

I wish you didn’t.

∞

Are you feeling any progress so far?

What, no. Not really.

Are you doing anything to make progress then?

No, not really.

So you still harbour this feeling of hate.

Yes.

Look, Kyuhyun—

I still see these flashes of images. Images of Sungmin temporarily being dead. I mean, everything in the dorms reminds me of him. The razor when I shave, the white ceiling, the tub in the corner of the bathroom… It’s driving me insane. And it’s all Sungmin’s fault, it’s all his doing, so tell me why it’s wrong to hate him?

I’m not saying any feeling is wrong.

But you still want me to “process” this feeling, to try and see it from his perspective. To forgive him and myself. But that’s bullshit.

Kyuhyun, let’s work with that thing we talked about earlier of—

—Calming down? I’m calm. I’m absolutely calm.

I think you’re falling apart, violently, and you’re letting yourself fall.

∞

The time between August and December flashes by like a blur. They travel to a country, perform, go home, go to another country, go back home. They sing, they dance, they speak, they travel. They sleep, eat, perform, sleep, travel. It’s an endless circle, and Kyuhyun is starting to lose track of himself. He doesn’t know if the sky he looks up on is his home, or if it’s somewhere far away. It could’ve been both. It could’ve been neither. All he knows is that he’s everywhere at once and it’s draining him in ways he can’t describe, confusing him in a manner that has him questioning if he’s really anywhere at all.

Somewhere, sometime before a performance, Donghae grabs Kyuhyun by the arm and asks, Where are we now? Kyuhyun doesn’t really have any answer to it, because he doesn’t know it himself. He looks questioningly toward Jungsu, who usually keeps track, and he mouths 'Nanjing'. Then they are raised upon the stage on ladders, and they flash their best smiles before the music starts.

Kyuhyun feels like crying.

∞

He's shaking. He clasps at the toilet seat, lying his face down to rest. The bitterness in his mouth stings, and he gags on his own bile, making him hurl again. Everything swirls around him. He squints his eyes, but he's only getting more dizzy and he ends up coughing up the remains of his dinner. But it's not enough. He pushes it further, and suddenly red is coming out, macabrely spilling all over the white porcelain.

Kyuhyun? Kyuhyun, I know you're in there. Open up right now.

He turns around in his seat and rests his back against the toilet bowl, casting his head back as he heaves after air. The ceiling light blinds him, and his eyes start running, blodshot and sore.

Don't make me knock down the door.

It's been months since last time, and it has never been this bad. He wonders for a second what's gone wrong, but it's easier to think about what hasn't. He's going to hear it from his therapist. If he ever tells her. He fumbles around before he gets up on his knees, slowly rising up on his feet.

Kyuhyun?

I'm coming, he calls out, but it sounds more like a croak. His fingers flounder around on the top of the toilet until he finds the flush button. The sound is so boomingly loud it almost feels like Kyuhyun is being dragged down in the drain along with the bile and the water.

Kyuhyun!

I'm coming, I'm coming. Jesus.

He heads for the door and halts in front of it, contemplating if it's the smartest thing to do. After all, the entire room reeks of bile and Kyuhyun can't seem to stop his eyes from running. However, he figures it doesn't really matter. He unlocks the door and kicks it, feeling fresh air hit him as it flies open. On the other end there's darkness. Kyuhyun frowns, poking his head out from the door and looking to the sides, but there's no one there. No one at all.

*
p.s. lol kyuhyun is seeing a therapist ~~serves you right you prick~~
p.s.s. he should see her bc he can't handle his awfulness, not whatever reason he's there now. or, wait a sec...
p.s.s.s. so donghae has feels for kyuhyun. hmm. hmmmmmm
p.s.s.s.s. i think hyukjae has had enough of their bullshit. ~~hyukjae is me~~
p.s.s.s.s.s. more sungmin in the next part! ｡ﾟ( ﾟ^∀^ﾟ)ﾟ｡

i can't wait for you to see part 2

sticky post + masterlist

2014-10-24T11:31:48Z

fics are open for everyone. please mind the rating/s.
NB! my stories often include adult themes that could be triggering.
* * *
this livejournal is the home of the fic series foolish people mainly.
the series is a two-shot originally, although i started a part 3 early in 2015.
however, part 3 will not be available to read anymore for the time being.
it was open a while, but i hated how it was nothing like the original series, so i put it on private.
a full (revised, as usual) version will be available in 100312312 years.
let's just say that there is no part 3. i think that is best.
* * *

a warning: i'm not active. i do not update frequently.
especially given the fact that i'm not really a part of the kpop fandom anymore.

all that being said, enjoy!
comments are appreciated ♡

i also make icons now and then over at bangtans

masterlist

foolish people 1
kyuhae, broken!kyumin
r
6580w
In which Kyuhyun broke up with Sungmin, both are having difficulty coping with it, and Donghae visits Kyuhyun at night when they think Sungmin is asleep.

foolish people 2
kyuhae, broken!kyumin
r
7200w
Sungmin torments himself to the point other members are starting to worry. But they might be too late.

foolish people; an alternate ending
450w
r
They found him curled up like a withered leaf.

~~foolish people 3a + foolish people 3b + foolish people 3c (coming soon!)~~
kyuhae, broken!kyumin
r
It's been three months since the incident, but the situation doesn't seem to get any better. If anything, it's only getting worse. Then Sungmin and Hyukjae are added to the sub-unit Super Junior-M, which only complicates the situation further.

perdendo; losing volume, fading into nothing, dying away
kyumin
pg-13
2100w
Sungmin meets university student Kyuhyun, falls in love, and lies.

foolish people 2 (2014 fix)

2014-09-01T09:42:53Z

foolish people 2
kyuhae, broken!kyumin / r / 7200w
Sungmin is tormenting himself to the point other members are starting to worry. But they might be too late.

notes: 2014 (major) fix of earlier version. see author's note at the end of the post for extended notes.
warnings: suicide attempt, self-harm, non-con

foolish people 2

He hears them whispering at night, Kyuhyun’s passive pleas for Donghae to stop and Donghae’s purrs of adoration and want. Then comes soft moans, and Sungmin sincerely wishes he was asleep, feeling an ache so heavy and fierce he can’t grasp it. He clutches his blanket and buries his face in his tear-stained pillow, wanting to scream but having no voice.

Time passes, seconds, minutes, hours, and eventually he loses track of time. He knows that it’s been ongoing for far too long though, when the sun peaks uncertainly through the curtains and he he hears the soft creaks of their youngest member Ryeowook waking up to prepare breakfast. A hurried kiss, and Donghae slips out of the bed and tiptoes to his own room. The bed groans, and Kyuhyun lets out a sigh followed by a lonesome whimper.

Sungmin grimaces, and he involuntarily lets out a moan as it churns inside him. His awareness of his action dawns upon him quickly, and he stills as if caught in front of headlights. He holds his breath, and the stillness in the room is anticipative as the one after an echo, waiting for what comes next. Sungmin feels dread rush through him, flinching when Kyuhyun’s frail voice breaks the silence.

Hyung, are… are you awake?

Kyuhyun shifts in his bed, an Sungmin clamps his mouth shut when he hears Kyuhyun positioning himself on the edge. As Kyuhyun’s form looms overhead, Sungmin pretends his body is a mere shell, and feigns soft snores. The longer he knows Kyuhyun is staring at him, because he knows he does, the harder it becomes to breathe.

Eventually Kyuhyun’s shadow disappears, and Sungmin feels like sinking together in relief.

Then he hears the first sob.

∞

Later that day, Kyuhyun and Donghae are both like zombies, eyes glued together by the lack of sleep and merely giving groans as replies to questions. They are scolded by several people throughout the day, their presentation of themselves being a huge disappointment to the company. First there’s the leader, Jungsu, who elaborates how much they look like crap, releasing the rhetorical question of who they think will get the blame for this. As Jungsu had foreseen, the managers were outraged, and let it out on Jungsu right after they were done scolding Kyuhyun and Donghae in turn.

Sungmin is clutching his head as he overhears another round of scolding, and he longs for a place where everything is silent, free of chaos sending splinters through his head. His hands are by each side of his skull as if preventing it from cracking open. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to hold in his moans of pain. Hyukjae notices his distress sometime during the scold-a-thon and asks him if he’s alright.

Sungmin looks up at his friend, the sight that meets him sending chills through his body. It’s like a glimmer in Hyukjae’s eyes, almost buried behind the curtain feigning his nonchalance, which tells him that he knows. Ultimately, more than he ever will. Sungmin stills, unsure of what to do. He lets his arms fall to his sides, and Hyukjae gives him a faint smile, clasping his shoulder and squeezing comfortingly.

Want to join me out for a walk? Hyukjae offers, although it’s not much an offer as it is an order. Either way, Sungmin sees no reason to decline and nods.

∞

Sungmin and Hyukjae passes many blocks to the sound of their shoes hitting asphalt and the wind shooing between the trees. It is chilly outside, and the sun is barely illuminating the roofs of the tall buildings. Sungmin regrets that he didn’t bring a scarf or a hat.

They walk next to each other, until Hyukjae suddenly halts next to the stairs leading down to the subway station. Slow to react, Sungmin continues a couple of steps until he realizes Hyukjae isn’t following anymore. He turns and sees Hyukjae standing stiffly, arms hanging awkwardly on his sides. His expression is solemn, eyes faraway and lower lip trembling from the cold.

If you could go anywhere you wanted, for as long as you wanted… Would you?

The question takes Sungmin by surprise and he’s static, mouth agape. Hyukjae’s eyes linger at the subway station, then at the sky. When he closes his eyes, Sungmin feels as though he has forgotten how to breathe.

A wind passes them, and Hyukjae opens his eyes, looking straight at Sungmin. He cracks a half-hearted grin, and Sungmin wants to reach out but Hyukjae is already beside him.

Let’s keep going, Hyukjae says, and brushes past a bewildered Sungmin.

∞

The nights are the worst. Then all the memories will reappear, and his head will ache with the past flashing before his eyes. Rushed kisses, hushed moans, soft giggles, warm hands… It’s all there, haunting him. At moments like these, he looks at the back of his roommate, currently engaged in an online chat, and he will fall asleep to the sound of typing. The concise typing is somewhat reassuring him that he’s not entirely alone.

When he wakes up during the night, his cheeks feel wet and sticky and Kyuhyun is banging his head against the desk, muttering profanities as the screen flashes ‘YOU LOST’.

∞

Have you ever considered moving out from the room?

Hyukjae pops out the question an afternoon after early dance practice, and it catches Sungmin by surprise. He looks up through his long fringe and pauses his cell phone game, grimacing at his friend.

Moving out?

Hyukjae shrugs. Yeah, why not? Think about it. I mean, it would probably be for the better.

Sungmin nibbles at his lower lip and honestly considers the option. Moving out from the room would be beneficial for the both of them in a sense. Yet, there is this nagging feeling within Sungmin that tells him it would be a bad idea. His thoughts wander to the previous night, and the hollow sob concealed by the night’s darkness. He could still hear it echoing in his head. Exposing that to anyone but him would be bad for Kyuhyun, wouldn’t it? Shouldn’t he protect Kyuhyun, after all that happened between them?

I could switch rooms with you, Hyukjae suddenly says. You could have my room. I don’t share with anyone, and I don’t really care.

Sungmin flinches, and he tries to swallow his guilt.

Hyukjae, I couldn’t possibly—!

He pauses, as Hyukjae merely smiles at him, as if he already knew how Sungmin would react. His smile makes Sungmin wonder why Hyukjae is so nice to people, even when no one seems to appreciate him. He wonders if anyone else has noticed. Ultimately he wonders why Hyukjae is doing this. What’s in it for him? Does he know what it’s like to be suffering? Because surely no one can be nice without any reason or without wanting anything in return.

Think about it Min, Hyukjae presses, index finger scratching at his washed jeans. You wouldn’t have to… hear them. Do you not want to escape that hell?

Sungmin starts, eyes dropping to his shoes. His cheeks redden, and Sungmin can’t fathom why he’s suddenly feeling so embarrassed. As Hyukjae shifts in his chair, Sungmin dries his forehead with his sweater-sleeve, trying to hide his flushed face.

Look, I just want things to work out. If that means me doing some extra efforts for you—for all of you—I’m more than happy to do it. What you’re doing now isn’t healthy. Sungmin, please, as your best friend I’m just asking one thing of you. One thing. Do what’s best for you. For once. God, Sungmin, why can’t you just…

Sungmin starts shaking, and he has to grip the armrests in order to steady himself. The stillness in the room starts to crumble upon him, and Sungmin knows he needs to get out. Everything is swirling around him, and his grip tighten. It’s just too much. Hyukjae knows too much.

Fumbling with the fabric of his t-shirt, he gazes up on Hyukjae, who already has seen what is coming. Hyukjae’s face gradually falls, and the sigh that escapes his lips are disappointed even before Sungmin’s words are uttered.

I’m sorry, Hyukjae. But I’ll stay.

∞

The porcelain of the bathtub feels cool against his bare skin. Although the water is barely reaching his ankles, the contrast in temperature is breathtaking. His skin is hissing pink at his feet, and he lets the water run until it reaches his knees. His heart pounds as he familiarizes himself with the warmth. Lowering himself in the water, he feels it engulfing him like a blanket of tranquil. The blood is throbbing in his veins, pressing under the surface. Sungmin grips the edge of the tub, knuckles pale and shuddering.

It's time.

When down in the water, he lets his arms rest on the sides and releases a long sigh. It’s like he can feel his body loosen up. Releasing a low moan, he closes his eyes and exhilarates in the feeling of drifting away. The water cradles him and it tickles. Sungmin smiles, though only faintly.

∞

The skin on his pale forearm looked so untouched that in the end he couldn’t do it. He puts his razor away in the cabinet over the sink, a sharp glint of light reflecting on the blade.

He walks into his room and cloaks himself in his and Kyuhyun’s blankets, sniffing in the scent of deception and wretchedness. For good measure he steals Hyukjae’s and Shindong’s blankets as well, making sure they don’t notice.

He falls asleep quickly, but when he wakes up it feels as if he has never slept in his life at all.

∞

We can’t do this anymore.

His words are harsh and echoing against the walls. Sungmin’s mouth runs dry. He can’t do anything but stare out in space, struggling with keeping himself up on his feet.

Sungmin, do you hear me? It’s over. We’re… We’re through.

He can’t think. He can’t breathe. His body has paused.

Say something. Please. I–

The wind brings droplets of rain that collides with the windows. A shudder runs through him, and it feels like his flesh is ripped open.

Please, don’t go mute on me. Damn it, Sungmin! Can't you see why I'm doing this?

Sungmin inhales sharply.

This isn't easy for me either. At least give me something! A nod?

“No”, Sungmin wants to scream. “You just took everything I have. What more could I possibly give you? My life?” But he says none of this. Instead he bites down on his lower lip. He forces a smile so that he won’t cry.

Leave, he whispers, faint like the droplets on his cheeks. Please just leave.

He’s grinning now, on the verge of laughing, and Kyuhyun is out in a heartbeat.

∞

Donghae sits opposite him during breakfast, slurping in the remains of his cereal. He wears a white beanie over his messy, dark hair, and under his eyes are sleepless bags and tired dark lines. Sungmin knows that he has been up late again, because Kyuhyun never came to bed.

He takes a sip of his coffee, eyes glued to Donghae’s relaxed form, his toned arms, his spread legs, and he wants to laugh because he doesn’t know what else to do anymore.

∞

My blanket went missing yesterday. You wouldn't know anything about that?

Shindong sits beside Sungmin in the van, a frown forming over his eyes. Sungmin takes out his earphones and shakes his head dismissively, eyes at his knees.

Who would steal blankets? That’s a stupid thing to do, Sungmin says simply and puts the earphones back in. With a sigh, Shindong puts his hand on top of his knee and squeezes. Sungmin winces, but lets Shindong rest his hand there for the entire trip, taking slight comfort in the warmth.

As soon as they arrive at the SM building, Sungmin feels sick. He excuses himself to the manager and Shindong—says it’s urgent—and sprints into the building heading for the bathroom. Once there, Sungmin makes sure no one else is in there before he collapses on the floor. He cries for what seems to be an hour, but is short of ten minutes before he collects himself. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. There’s too much wrong with him. Splashing cold water on his face, he shudders. Breathing heavily, he stills.

He looks like a mess. His hair sticks out in every possible direction, his eyes are crimson, his skin is sore. Sungmin drowns his face in the cold water again, smudging it over his skin. It’s soothing.

When he has deemed himself presentable, he joins the others. The rest of the day he feels like he’s constantly shaking on the inside, and longs to take a bath so he can breathe.

∞

Sadness comes as a dark, looming monster during the night. Sungmin steadies himself as the door creaks open and Donghae’s figure slips through the crack. There are whispering voices, the rustle of the blankets, and then soft moans.

Sungmin squeezes his eyes shut and shifts to the side, pressing his ear against the pillow and the blanket against the other. He doesn’t have the decency to feel any self-pity, but he still feels nauseous. He wishes he was somewhere else, but can’t make himself regret his decision to stay.

When Donghae leaves before sunrise, Kyuhyun is crying again, and he keeps crying until Ryeowook knocks at the door to wake them up.

This night, Sungmin cries with him like a silent echo.

∞

His entire body is aching after a full day of shooting jacket photos for the album. As he lowers himself into the scalding hot water, he sighs in relief, wondering why he never started doing this earlier.

He looks at his forearm, flawless and pale as a new sheet of paper, and his stomach tingles. The razor glints as the lights reflects on it, and sweat and water merges on his forehead. He wants to laugh in anticipation, but holds his breath instead.

It has been a long time since he has fostered feelings like the exhilaration darting through him as the first droplet of blood mirrors in his eyes. A smile crosses his lips and he giggles, tracing it with his eyes as it mixes with the water on his skin and leaves a stain as it goes. He feels relieved and elated, drained from sadness and darkness. Enlightened. Lit up. On fire.

He lets the stain blend with the water and waits until it becomes cold before he rises up. He packs his things away swiftly, cleaning the blade with utmost diligence.

When he lies down that night, he’s too engrossed with tracing his scar with his index finger to even notice that Donghae entered and left.

∞

Sometimes I imagine what the future would look like. I see us there, side by side. Sometimes we’re holding hands, sometimes you’re grinning at me before kissing me. Sometimes we live peacefully together, away from everything. Just you and me. Wouldn’t that be something, Kyuhyun? A small-ish house with a tiny front garden, just enough for the two of us...

Kyuhyun flips through the newspaper without really looking at the articles, and nods his head absentmindedly, smiling at Sungmin.

Yeah, it would.

Sungmin approaches him and puts his hands around his waist from behind, nuzzling his face into his neck. Inhaling, he feels a rush through his body and wants to laugh just because he’s so happy. Kyuhyun pauses his flipping and cranes his neck to the side, just enough so that Sungmin can plant a kiss there. Sungmin does so happily, and the small moan of approval is more than thanks enough.

It’s been a while since we did anything, Sungmin whispers suggestively against Kyuhyun’s neck, hands lowering to play with the waistband of the younger man's boxers. Kyuhyun turns rigid, and Sungmin can almost feel the blush gracing his cheeks.

Y-Yes, it has, Kyuhyun stutters, voice strained as Sungmin puts his hand on his hardening cock. He hums into Kyuhyun’s neck, and Kyuhyun puts his head backwards, resting it on top of Sungmin’s shoulder as he pants lowly.

Bed? Sungmin purrs, and Kyuhyun is on his feet and pulling Sungmin by the wrist faster than Sungmin can finish his inhale.

That night they have sex, hurried and desperate for release. However, when Kyuhyun comes and clamps his lips shut instead of whispering Sungmin’s name as he usually does… that’s when Sungmin starts to notice something’s wrong. That’s when he starts doubting.

∞

Sungmin has barely placed his plate of rice and fried eggs on the table when Hyukjae appears in the doorway, croaks a good morning and slumps down at the chair opposite him. Sungmin cheerfully offers to make him some tea, and Hyukjae all but grunts out a yes.

It’s silent as he eats, and halfway through his meal, Hyukjae has stopped sipping his tea. Suddenly self-conscious, Sungmin puts his arms under the table and stares at his friend questioningly. Hyukjae puts down his cup with a hollow clunk.

I hope that’s not what I think it is, Hyukjae says, expression distorted.

Sungmin shifts in his chair, blood rushing to his cheeks.

What do you mean?

Do you want to explain that to me?

Explain what?

Hyukjae’s palm slams against the table.

Don’t give me that bullshit, Sungmin. What’s that scar? You didn’t have that yesterday as far as I can tell.

A silence befalls Sungmin and he swallows. His eyes flickers from Hyukjae to his lap and back again. The air is suddenly too thick to inhale. Hyukjae’s eyes bore into him and Sungmin feels feverish, cheeks and ears ablaze. He looks to his side in the hope of miraculously dissipating in the air.

Really? I thought you knew better than that, Min. I… How could you—?

Hyukjae’s sentence is broke off by a sob, and he covers his mouth with his fist. Sungmin opens his mouth to speak. He doesn’t know what to tell him though, and keeps moving his lips dumbly without uttering a sound. He knows that Hyukjae cries easily, but this shocks him. He wants to apologize. Not because of what he has done, but because it has caused Hyukjae pain. Hyukjae was never supposed to be involved in this. As these thoughts cross him, Hyukjae has buried his face in his hands, and Sungmin is starting to feel squeamish.

Hyukjae… I’m sor—

No, Sungmin, he cuts off. Save your apologizes to when they actually mean anything. Let’s just say that whenever you’re going to the bathroom, I’ll go with you if I have the chance. That’s where you did it, right? That’s where… You have taken so many baths lately, you’ve got to have— oh god, Sungmin—

Hyukjae. It’s just one scar. It might go away soon.

His friend suddenly looks so weary and thin, face crestfallen and lips pointing downwards. His shoulders collapses, as if his shoulders can’t hold the weight anymore.

Might? Sungmin, that's not even remotely the point here! One scar is still one scar too many. I... I can’t watch you do this to yourself. You need to stop, Sungmin. Now. I won’t let you do this to yourself, too.

Sungmin freezes.

“Too”? What… What do you mean by that? Why are you saying “too”? Hyukjae? Hyukjae.

Sungmin fidgets on his chair, and he knows his heart is probably not meant for pounding as fast as it does. Hyukjae’s face turns pale, eyes watery.

Oh, Sungmin. Don’t tell me you didn’t know.

∞

He doesn’t remember when he stops crying, or if he ever stops at all. No one succeeds in calming him down either, because eventually people notice. Jungsu tries to speak sense into him, Hyukjae is heroically trying to calm down his own crying, Shindong is holding around him and rocking him back and forth like a baby, and Ryeowook tries to avert Sungmin's attention to something nice, but none of this helps. It’s all just like superficial drizzle on top of a complex painting, only adding to it to do no good. Sungmin's sadness is like a bottomless pit, the darkness going on forever, swallowing even the tiniest beam of light.

He hears that Kyuhyun has locked himself inside their room and that the rest of the members are plotting how to get him out. Sungmin closes his eyes and his ears and wishes that Kyuhyun could stay there forever.

When the day’s schedules are about to begin, their manager calls him and Kyuhyun in sick, and they are allowed to stay at the dorms to collect themselves, as all the members’ and manager’s attempts are in vain.

When everyone has left the dorm, the manager only leaving to get food, Sungmin wants to take a bath.

∞

Sometimes Sungmin thinks of himself as waves, drifting away yet always returning.

∞

A scream. Shouting. Feet running. Someone is grabbing him—

There is a constant itch somewhere on his body but he doesn’t care. He doesn't care, and it's all just so numb, though so painful at the same time.

All around him there are sounds of feet and voices. It’s hurting so much. Why is everything so painful? Someone hauls him up from the water. It’s so cold, so incredibly cold. Why can’t they just put a blanket over him? He wants to sleep. Or maybe he is sleeping already? There is someone gripping really hard at his wrist. Someone ties something around the other.

Sungmin looks to his side, but sees nothing. He hurts, but suddenly he feels nothing. It’s so strange. He falls asleep. He falls

asleep.

Sirens. Sirens wailing from the distance suddenly come close, and someone has finally put a blanket over him. There is the prominent sound of crying in the background. Someone’s banging something against a wall. A door opens. Another shout. Echoes.

Lights. He’s placed on a bed and he drifts away again. Someone takes his hand. He thinks he sees Kyuhyun’s eyes but it could be a mere memory. He blacks out. He blacks

out.

∞

He opens his eyes and the light stings. He tries to move his body, but his limbs are like lead. Somewhere beside him he hears a whimpered prayer, before there are sounds of feet and new voices. Someone covers his mouth with something. He parts his lips. He parts his lips and he blacks out.

∞

With a rush of panic, Sungmin starts, eyes wide open. He closes his eyes again. He then opens them slowly, almost cautiously. Hushed voices are speculating, and Sungmin wants them to shut up because his head is pounding. He parts his lips to tell them, but stops when he hears his name mentioned.

—but Sungmin? I can’t believe he did it. I can’t believe I… we… almost… I just. Oh god.

Sobbing. There is another person in the room, who tells whoever is crying to get some rest too: ”You’ve been here for days”. Sungmin feels tired. His eyelids fall heavily over his eyes, and suddenly he’s asleep again.

∞

Sungmin doesn’t know how long he has lain in bed, or where he is for that matter, when he wakes up the next time. There are bright lights ahead, and white walls around him, and he suddenly feels apprehensive as he looks down at himself and sees tubes connected everywhere. He feels a suck in his stomach, like he’s falling from a great height. What’s going on? He closes his eyes briefly, and groans of the pain that engulfs him. The numbness is ebbing away, and it’s like the switch to his senses is suddenly set on full. He whimpers, feeling the burn on his wrists. A wave of sadness crashes upon him, and his eyes start to sting as tears form.

Something is lying heavily on his left arm, and he cracks open an eye to see that it’s a head. He runs a dry tongue over chapped lips and tries to clear his throat. He frowns. As he does an attempt on pulling his hand to himself, the head stirs, and suddenly he’s face to face with a set of dark eyes, and it feels like he’s staring right into coal.

Sungmin, you’re awake, Kyuhyun breathes, eyes growing wide, and Sungmin forgets how to breathe and he thinks he must be dreaming.

Does it… hurt anywhere?

Kyuhyun looks like he doesn’t know where to place himself or what to do with his arms, so he lets them lie awkwardly on his lap, only to cross them over his chest a second later. Sungmin lie still, watching Kyuhyun in bewilderment. He tilts his head to the side and frowns. He blinks. He blinks again.

I… Kyuhyun starts, voice cracking before he even starts the sentence. Sungmin feels his throat clogging up and his eyes burns.

I’m just so—

Sungmin squeezes his eyes shut and whimpers. Does it hurt anywhere? Sungmin can’t seem to fathom where it would hurt. It hurts everywhere. His heart throbs and he listens as Kyuhyun stills, swallows, shifts in his seat. He opens his eyes, sees Kyuhyun still sitting there. Kyuhyun is watching him uncertainly until his eyes drop down to his lap, fists clenching.

I shouldn’t be here—

Sungmin closes his eyes again, breath shaky and forced. A door opens, and a dark male voice orders Kyuhyun to leave the room. The chair screeches as Kyuhyun rises, and the sound of his footsteps echoes. Sungmin opens his eyes again when there is a faint slam of the door, pretends it was his will that made Kyuhyun disappear. His eyes falls upon a white clothed man smiling down at him.

Hello, Sungmin, I’m Dr. Hwang, the man says with a smile. He then looks over his shoulder toward the door.

That’s one good friend you’ve got there. The first day they had to get him out by force, the doctor says and chuckles, and the dam in Sungmin’s eyes opens and his conjured facade leaks.

∞

Outside the leaves are slowly turning yellow, and the sun tries to warm where the chilly wind won’t. They are walking side by side, subtly brushing their hands against each other when they are certain people aren’t looking. Kyuhyun grins to him, and Sungmin smiles back, heart leaping.

They end up by the Han river, as they usually do, standing behind a fence as they gaze over the water. There aren’t many people there, but there are some. They’ll take the privacy they can get.

Sungmin, Kyuhyun starts, eyes distant as they follow the stream of the water.

Yes?

Never doubt that I love you. No matter what happens, I will. It’s when you start doubting that things will go wrong. You understand that?

Sungmin doesn’t say anything, but squeezes Kyuhyun’s hand quickly before taking a glance over his shoulder just to check if anyone saw.

OK, Sungmin says. Kyuhyun’s smile falters a bit, but the little smile that remains stays on his lips while he leans closer and whispers into his ear.

I love you, Sungmin. I always have, and I—

∞

Memories start to recur, unpleasant pictures making him shudder. He remembers watching the blood seep through the wound, and that there was so much of it. He had gone much deeper this time. The feeling of being emptied is more prominent than any other. It’s like with the blood, everything else just dissipated in the water. He remembers the water, crimson like the leaves outside. He remembers feeling cold, and a lot of noise.

Sungmin doesn’t know whether he wants to cry or laugh, but he’s so tired of crying and there’s no laughter inside him anymore so he does neither. His family and friends are visiting him in turn, and Sungmin has figured that there’s a limit of how much you can smile during a day. After a while he was only flashing his teeth.

The members visit him too, although he feels more reluctant to meet them. One by one, they deliver their lines, except Ryeowook, who merely strokes his hair out of his eyes and smiles gently at him. There are a lot of tears, and Sungmin patiently assures each one of them that he’s fine. Kyuhyun is nowhere to see anymore, and Sungmin is glad.

∞

A couple of days later and finally back in the dorms, Hyukjae is brushing his teeth while Sungmin is allowed to take a bath. He feels slightly uncomfortable with Hyukjae’s eyes on him as he lowers himself into the water, or rather self-conscious, but he knows Hyukjae made a promise to him. He knows why he’s there. Still it feels like he’s intruding on something very personal.

He stares longingly at his forearm, traces his scars with his eyes, and when Hyukjae leaves for a minute he cries tearlessly until Hyukjae reappears. Then he sniffles and stares down at the water until Hyukjae asks him when he’s getting up. Sungmin tells him he won’t go until the water is cold. Hyukjae then bids him goodnight, pauses in the doorway.

I trust you now, Sungmin. Please don’t convince me I made the wrong choice. I'm very glad you're back.

∞

He quickly learns that Kyuhyun hasn’t spoken since his visit at the hospital. Fortunately they are done with recording their new album, but people are starting to forget what Kyuhyun’s voice sounds like and it’s worrisome at the least. Nothing helps either. The managers have gone as far as tending to force and violence in a desperate attempt to have Kyuhyun speak, but Kyuhyun is suffering in silence, and they have to watch as the silent tears run down his cheeks after a round with the broom. Coming home to this is in one way beneficial for him, because Kyuhyun takes some of the unhealthy amounts of attention he’s receiving, which couldn’t have suited him better. However, it’s Kyuhyun, and Sungmin can’t just turn his back to him now. Even though regrettable things happened, things that never will be fixed, they are a part of the same team no matter what.

He sits down opposite of Kyuhyun, chair screeching under his weight in the tranquil that has befallen the room. Kyuhyun moves his head slowly to face him, and it’s merely for a flicker of a second that Sungmin catches the glimpse of a familiar rush in his eyes. His heart starts pounding, and he blinks, because he’s not sure if he’s only hallucinating again.

Wordlessly, Sungmin stares at him, as if he’s looking for anything. He tries to map out everything on Kyuhyun’s face, like the distance between his eyes, the way his eyebrows curve over his dark eyes, the straight nose, the faint acne scars, and the small, almost too small to notice, tilt of his lips that indicates a smile. He stops breathing.

He wonders how Kyuhyun moved on from their break up, or if there was anything at all to move on from. Memories starts replaying in his head, like the walk to the Han river, and the first time he felt guilty when making love to him, their first fight, and the first time Sungmin gathered the courage to stutter the first I love you. And the time Kyuhyun broke up with him.

I’m sorry if it’s my fault, Sungmin finally says, eyes dropping to the folded hands on his lap. And there are so many other things he wants to say, so many things he could’ve said. He doesn’t say anything else though. Instead he buries his face in his hands, biting his teeth together and fighting back the tears that stubbornly pour out of his eyes. He breathes heavily so his convulsing chest will calm down with the sobs, and he gathers his hair in his fists and grips so hard it stings to distract the pain inside. He rests his forehead against the wrappings around his wrists, and another wave of tears crushes through him.

Sungmin looks up, bloodshot eyes and snot seeping from his nose, and that’s when he sees it. It’s only there for a flicker of a second, but it’s there. He recognizes the look instantly, and he suddenly feels very stupid, very afraid, and very confused.

Kyuhyun, he figures, hasn’t moved on an inch.

∞

You know, you used to love me once, Sungmin recalls sadly, looking up and searching for Kyuhyun’s eyes.

Yes, used to. You need to get over me already, Kyuhyun remarks coldly and turns, reaching out for his silver watch on the dressing table. He coughs.

It’s not healthy what you’re doing, he continues, shifting on his feet. And don’t cry; you’re ruining your make-up. Be a man.

Kyuhyun’s words are like stings to Sungmin’s chest, and it hurts so much. How can he be so cold? Why is he pushing away emotion? Why can’t he just—

I’ve heard that you either will always love someone, or you never did, Sungmin mumbles, putting his arms around himself. This has Kyuhyun halting in the process of leaving the dressing room.

That’s ridiculous, he snaps, turning to look at Sungmin. Sungmin lifts his gaze to meet Kyuhyun’s, and his face is like a mask, concealing every possible emotion that might course through him. A mask he’s too used to wearing lately.

I don’t think so, Sungmin argues, his voice a mere whisper. I really do believe that. And he wants to. Oh, how much he wants to.

Kyuhyun grabs the door handle and yanks the door open.

I guess I never did, then.

Kyuhyun slams the door shut, and Sungmin is left in the echo, feeling like he’s tipping over a waterfall, falling down without any chance to save himself. Falling, falling, falling…

∞

Some part of Sungmin always wanted to believe that Kyuhyun for somewhat reason never got over him completely, and that they would have an happy ending despite everything. That Sungmin would get him back. Another part of him tells him that Kyuhyun sincerely hates his guts, and that there is no hope whatsoever. That part of him tells him there is no reason to fight a break-up he never quite understood, to just let go. Ultimately, he wishes he had never loved Kyuhyun in the first place, and that he still doesn’t.

∞

Sungmin’s eyes are fixed on Kyuhyun. The corners of his lips points downwards, and his fingers clutches his knees, knuckles pale by the tight grip. He is shaking, sweat on his forehead racing down his temples, and he dries his palms on his jeans repeatedly. The wind outside is whistling eerily, thundering against the walls and windows like an unleashed beast.

Kyuhyun is stirring his cup of hot chocolate, looking intently in it as if it was the most interesting substance he has seen. Sungmin leans forward, ready to speak, but finds his tongue heavy as stone and leans his back against the seat in retreat. He clears his throat, running his tongue over his chapped lips, ragged as a result of his teeth-abuse.

Kyuhyun, Sungmin finally manages to say, and in that instant his heart beats so fast it’s like it’s about to explode. He doesn’t manage to say anything more, but he has grabbed mentioned person’s attention. Kyuhyun looks at Sungmin without moving his head from looming over his hot chocolate, expression unreadable.

We—We need to talk, you know.

Do we? Kyuhyun says, looking down in his cup again. Sungmin sighs, trying to calm his raging heart.

Yes, we do. In fact, we must.

Kyuhyun releases a short chuckle.

Must is quite a strong word, he remarks and takes the spoon out from the cup, spoon slipping from his fingers. It falls to the floor, but he doesn’t reach down to get it. He just looks confusedly down at it.

Do you mind telling me why we must talk? Kyuhyun asks, eyes still on the spoon, and Sungmin swallows whatever anxiety clogging up his throat.

So... The other day, when I went to see you... I think I saw something, Sungmin says, looking down on his lap.

You saw nothing, Kyuhyun says, a tad too quickly and rushed, and he looks up guiltily at Sungmin. Sungmin meets his eyes, biting the insides of his cheeks to keep his cool.

Kyuhyun, he whispers, and Kyuhyun whispers yes? Sungmin is shaking again, and he’s starting to feel dizzy.

How… How did you move on from the break-up? Sungmin mumbles, his voice fading into nothing as he partially regrets asking it halfway through. He keeps his eyes at Kyuhyun this time, watches as he drops his eyes to the floor, posture turning rigid. Kyuhyun flinches, as if he was going to sit up but changed his mind mid-way.

Please, Sungmin pushes. I need to know. Because I saw something. When I was talking to you. I know that look.

It was nothing I say! Kyuhyun shouts and slams his hand on the table. It was absolutely nothing, you are just hallucinating or some shit, I don’t even fucking know, so just don’t—

Kyuhyun, how did you move on from the break-up?

Their eyes meet, and Sungmin purses his lips as if he’s about to receive a terrible blow. Kyuhyun smiles scarcely, a smile that comes and goes as quick as the wind outside.

I… Kyuhyun starts, eyes still trained on the floor and playing with his fingers. I just…

I saw something, Sungmin presses. I know that look. I’ve seen it before, a long time ago. Kyuhyun… Is there any chance that—

No. Sungmin, I… No. Don’t even go there.

Sungmin flinches and retreats in his seat, putting his arms around himself tightly and looking down to the side.

Sungmin, you just don’t understand, Kyuhyun then says. His words makes Sungmin want to cry all over again, and he groans in outrage.

Then help me understand! Sungmin lashes out, tired of not understanding, tired of being left behind. Frustrated tears form in the corners of his eyes, and he clenches his jaw, biting back anything else he could’ve said. Kyuhyun starts at Sungmin’s outburst, and he sinks together on his chair, closing his eyes before burying his face in his hands. They sit there in silence for a very long time.

I know, Sungmin then says, voice trembling. Kyuhyun arches an eyebrow.

Why won’t you tell me? This is so typical you, Kyuhyun. This is so goddamn typical you. Don’t I deserve more than that? After everything I’ve gone through because of you—

Kyuhyun jumps to his feet and shouts, As if you’re the only one who has suffered!

Sungmin stands as well.

So you have suffered as well? Correct me if I’m wrong but it doesn’t seem that way, Sungmin snaps and crosses his hands over his chest, taking a deep breath to steady his voice.

As if you know anything about suffering? Sungmin says in a chuckle. What would you know about suffering?

Kyuhyun lets out a weird laugh and places his hands on his hips, shaking his head as if he can't believe what he's hearing.

You’re impossible, Sungmin whines. You’re so goddamn impossible. I don’t understand you. Just... give me a break. Give me a fucking break. Did you honestly think I didn’t hear you at night? That I didn't hear what you were doing, right beside me?

Kyuhyun freezes and looks down to the side as a flush spreads on his face.

You little piece of shit, Sungmin, Kyuhyun then says. The day we broke up, I… Jesus, why are you so—? Why do I have to—?

Sungmin is surprised by his own patience. He sits down silently and watches as Kyuhyun struggles with finding his words, and he chews on his lower lip in anticipation. Kyuhyun’s eyes meet his, and they remain there for a very long time.

You ask me how I got over you? Kyuhyun whispers, eyes still at Sungmin. Really? Really?

He pauses.

I never did. I’m not over you. I’m not fucking over you! I look at you and I see the man I loved, love, and it just hurts so fucking bad because I screwed it all up!

Silence befalls the room like a blanket dropped over it. Sungmin sits frozen in his seat, eyes wide.

E... Excuse me? Sungmin stutters, voice barely audible.

But, Kyuhyun continues, you started doubting. I told you, that day by the river… Do you remember that day? I told you to never doubt it. To never doubt us, no matter what. But then, your answer… It was like you already did. I thought… I thought that was the end. I was scared, and I was angry. Then Donghae came to me, and I started to doubt it myself.

My god, you don’t know how long I practiced the break-up. I stood for hours in front of the mirror, and the more times I said ‘It’s over’, the more I started hating myself for what I was about to do. But you doubted us, and so did I. I thought we were over already. I never foresaw what the break-up would do with us, though. With me, and most of all with you.

I’m… I’m so sorry. I did a huge mistake. But it’s too late now, I’ve done so much harm now and I don’t deserve you or anyone at all. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I wouldn’t have forgiven me. I don’t think I ever will.

Sungmin can only stare dumbfounded, finally having learnt the truth. The truth he’s been craving desperately ever since that day. Right there in front of him. All cards laid out. Yet he can’t help but feel disappointed. Disappointed and angry.

Without a word, Sungmin stands up and walks out of the room, never looking back to see if Kyuhyun follows. He storms into the bathroom and locks the door behind him, sinking together beside the bathtub. There’s a knock on the door, but it passes ignored. Sungmin lets the tears fall and turns the tap so the bathtub is filled with water.

He cries as the bathtub fills up, and outside the knocking turns more frequent and desperate. Sungmin undresses and lowers himself in the water, listening as Kyuhyun starts shouting behind the door. He puts his head underwater, and the water spills over the edge. He lets the tears blend in with the water, lets his entire being blend with the water.

Sometimes Sungmin thinks of himself as waves, drifting away yet always returning.

extended note:

i kept going back to this story, and as i realized more and more mistakes and errors i just had to make a final and agonizingly thorough edit. so here are the fixed versions, and now on lj and not in downloadable pdf format like before. NB! i've made some big changes, both to dialogue and descriptions, so some scenes might give off a different feel now than before. i personally think it's better now.

the reason why i'm making this 2014 fix is because i am currently writing foolish people 3, and i wanted to release an updated version, both for new and for old readers of this story, so that you can follow fp3 with more ease. comments are appreciated ♡

foolish people 1 (2014 fix)

2014-09-01T09:41:44Z

foolish people 1
kyuhae(?), broken!kyumin / r / 6600w
In which Kyuhyun broke up with Sungmin, both are having difficulty coping with it, and Donghae visits Kyuhyun at night when they think Sungmin is asleep.

notes: 2014 (major) fix of earlier version. see author's note at the end of the post here.
warnings: self-harm, non-con

foolish people 1

Sungmin’s eyes are fixed on Kyuhyun. The corners of his lips points downwards, and his fingers clutches his knees, knuckles pale by the tight grip. The rain outside patters against the pavement, and people are muttering amongst themselves like an echo in a memory. Time doesn’t stand still, but neither Sungmin or Kyuhyun moves.

Disregarding Sungmin’s presence, Kyuhyun sits impeccably still. With crooked fingers he clutches his empty cup, and he stares at the bottom as if seeking answers from the dregs. A pearl of sweat smoothes down his temple, and he swallows.

How are you feeling?

Sungmin’s voice wavers, cracking like the sound of someone stepping upon a dry leaf. Kyuhyun glances briefly in his direction, and Sungmin’s eyes flicker down to his lap. His pale, small fingers fiddles with the hem of his shirt, and Kyuhyun looks away with a start. The disheveled hair, the darkness underneath his eyes… He wishes he could take it all away, but knows very well he is not the one to do it.

His knees are shaking as he stands up, and he staggers over to the kitchen with his cup barely grasped by his fingertips. The wood creaks underneath his silent steps, and in the kitchen he refills his cup with black coffee. He wants to grimace just by the smell. Kyuhyun has never liked the bitter taste. However, even bitter coffee is better than the alternative.

Smoke emerges from his refilled cup, and the liquid wobbles as Kyuhyun steps back to the living room. His fingers burn, and drops spill at the floor. Kyuhyun steps over them, seating himself in the engulfing armchair with a groan. Sungmin’s eyes stays at him until he places the cup on the table to waste away.

How are you feeling?

Sungmin’s voice sounds strained, as if he is tired of asking, and his lips forms a thin line as if a knife carved it out from his marble face. Kyuhyun fumbles for his cup and blows on the coffee to cool it down. He takes a sip, feeling the burn sear into the flesh. He swallows, but the hollowness doesn’t subside.

∞

Baby, please.

Donghae, no. Get out of my bed.

But I need you.

But I said no. Get out.

∞

Kyuhyun has a lot of things coiling within that needs to be let out. There are things he’s done and things he hasn’t. Memories of people he wishes he could forget, but is facing everyday; subtle touches, rushed kisses, dark secrets whispered into flushed ears. It whirls inside him like a constant nausea, a flip of the stomach. He knows only broken images, and the darkness gives no shelter; he finds no relief.

He is clutching the toilet seat when someone knocks at the door. His bones feels as though they are quivering, and he stands up with a curse under his breath. Inhale. Kyuhyun’s head swirls as he opens the door, and he wipes the corners of his lips. The colors and shapes are ambient, swaying, and Kyuhyun muses his eyes as he struggles with keeping his balance. Exhale. If the person outside the door notices the stench, he doesn’t remark it.

Kyuhyun?

Hyukjae is frowning.

Are you… alright…?

His words fade as soon as they are uttered, his eyes falling upon Kyuhyun’s pale face and shuddering body.

I thought I heard some noise from within, so I just… I just wanted to check.

Kyuhyun grips the frame of the door, leans his head on top of his hand.

I’m fine, Hyukjae. Don’t worry about me, he says, and waits until Hyukjae has gone until he closes the door and puts a finger down his throat.

∞

The rain drums against the window in a constant pitter-patter. Kyuhyun is in the kitchen, spending one of his rare schedule-free days sitting by the table reading a manga he borrowed from his friend Hyukjae. It’s unusual for him to have a day off, considering that they are in the midst of preparing a comeback. Super Junior’s fourth album, Kyuhyun’s third. Each comeback brings some sort of sentimentality to him, a kind of reminder that he is progressing in life when everything else seems to stand still.

Hyukjae, who also has no schedules, rummages through the closets in the kitchen. He’s muttering under his breath as he stands on the tip of his toes, trying to reach for the cups placed on the upper shelf. For reasons Kyuhyun can’t fathom, Hyukjae had decided to make some tea for the two of them. Just to be nice.

Kyuhyun looks up from the manga and frowns. He wonders about Hyukjae. Hyukjae is always giving, expecting nothing in return. He smiles when his friends smile, and cries when they do. He’s a person of empathy and care, although his appearance on stage often shows another persona. The one of confidence and selfishness. Kyuhyun asks himself why he can’t be more like Hyukjae, gentle and caring on the inside, and confident on the outside. Confidence has become such an abstract concept, and even more so the concept of affection.

He yawns as he flips the page, not really paying attention to the drawings at all.

Do you want sugar in it? Hyukjae calls over his shoulder, finally reaching the cups after having climbed on top of the counters. Kyuhyun sends a flat stare in Hyukjae’s direction, evoking a sheepish smile from the asker.

Just kidding, Hyukjae says in a chuckle. I know how you like your tea.

Kyuhyun doesn’t remind Hyukjae that he has never really liked tea.

A couple of minutes later, Hyukjae places the cup in front of Kyuhyun, taking a seat beside him. Kyuhyun resumes his reading while he waits for the tea to cool down, noticing Hyukjae peeking over his shoulder. Some pages later, Hyukjae is shamelessly commenting on the story as Kyuhyun goes. By the time they reach the ending of the volume, half a cup is emptied and Kyuhyun has caught Hyukjae touching his shoulder comfortingly more than twice. Kyuhyun starts wondering what’s up with him today, when the door to the dorm slams open and interrupts his thoughts.

In the hallway there is a whole lot of ruckus, bag being slung at the ground, keys dropped at the floor, shoes kicked off, and jacket thrown over the couch. Then the person enters the kitchen and declares his arriving in a sing-song manner.

I’m home!

Kyuhyun, quite annoyed by the ruckus, cares not to see who entered and resumes his reading, hoping Hyukjae will follow after. However, Hyukjae disappoints and curiously peeks up, exploding into a beam.

Donghae! he exclaims happily, jumping down from his seat to greet his best friend. Kyuhyun freezes at the mention of Donghae’s name and holds his gaze at the nothingness, gripping the manga like his life depended on it. Donghae laughs behind him, blabbering some rubbish, and their excited chatter unexpectedly annoys him more than he thought it would. The next second Donghae slumps down on the chair next to Kyuhyun.

What's up, maknae?

Donghae leans his upper body over the table, maneuvering himself into such a close proximity that Kyuhyun can feel his cold breath and the smell of his cologne—deep musk.

Hmm?

Donghae watches bemusedly as Kyuhyun attempts to appear busy with reading, when in reality the words are blurred and dancing on the paper, black ink on white paper slurring into an incomprehensible mess of gray. Kyuhyun muses with his eyes. He probably makes out a word or two, but nothing makes sense anymore and it’s all Donghae’s fault. Everything is Donghae’s fault.

Kyuhyun chances on a peek at him from the corner of his eye, only to find Donghae’s eyes already drilling into him. Hyukjae’s tiny voice asks what’s going on but flies by unnoticed. The silence hangs heavily in the air, and Kyuhyun’s adam’s apple bobs. He closes the manga.

I’m sorry, but I’m busy.

His voice is thin as paper, and Kyuhyun has the decency to feel bad for lying, however only for a second. Donghae chuckles and grabs his wrist, thumb pressed firmly between his veins.

Oh, but you aren’t, he says with a lopsided grin. Come with me.

With another chuckle, Donghae pulls Kyuhyun up on his feet and drags him over to Kyuhyun and Sungmin’s shared bedroom. The entire scene earns a puzzled look from Hyukjae, who watches them uncomprehensively.

The door closes behind Kyuhyun and Donghae. Not with a bang, but silently after them, like a suffocating clunk.

∞

I said no.

And I say yes. I’m your hyung, remember?

When did being my hyung give you authority to do… this?

You know you want it just as much as I do. Feel, I’m already ready for you.

No, Donghae. I don’t. I… I really don’t. Plea—ah.

∞

Sometimes Kyuhyun wonders if breaking up with Sungmin was a mistake. Whenever Sungmin cries himself to sleep, which is quite often while whimpering his name, Kyuhyun feels a thug inside of him. He’s wretched by the thought of having caused so much pain for someone he used to comfort without question.

On nights like those, he knows Donghae won’t come. On those nights he prioritizes StarCraft over sleep, hoping the sound of robotic voices and aliens shrieking indistinctly will tune out Sungmin’s sobs.

It doesn’t.

∞

Oh, Kyuhyun! I was just looking for you, Sungmin beams excitedly, sitting down next to Kyuhyun on the floor where he is playing a video game.

You won’t believe what—

Kyuhyun cuts him off, not averting his gaze from the TV screen.

Sungmin, whatever you’re going to say, I don’t care. Go bother someone else.

Sungmin stifles, hurt flashing through him as he looks pleadingly at the other. His lower lip quivers, and he draws his knees tightly against his chest.

But Kyuhyun—

Still don’t care.

Kyuhyun, why can’t we just—

Kyuhyun pauses his game and scowls.

What part of “don’t care” don’t you understand?!

Sungmin’s jaw drops as he stares at Kyuhyun, stunned into silence and eyes gleaming. Kyuhyun glares with a glowing intensity, resulting in Sungmin letting out a hurt squeak before getting up on his feet and rushing out of the living room.

The silence that follows is like a punch in the face. Kyuhyun sighs as soon as Sungmin is out of sight, muttering profanities as he continues the race. It feels pointless though, and as he passes the finish line, the sickness inside him returns and he has to pause his game again to leave for the bathroom.

∞

Don’t you think you’re being too harsh toward Sungmin sometimes?

Ryeowook blurts out the question one day when it’s just the two of them. They are waiting for the other members to show up for the scheduled dance practice, and sit still against the mirror, catching their breaths and drinking water. Kyuhyun and Ryeowook went to the dance studio right after breakfast, nervous about the new choreography. Ryeowook wanted to practice by himself until he got the moves right, as it was hard for him to keep up the group practices. He wanted Kyuhyun to be there with him, as he couldn’t remember all the steps by himself.

When Kyuhyun had agreed to join Ryeowook, he had thought his company would be somewhat bearable. Apparently, he can’t feel comfortable anywhere anymore. Wherever he goes, there are too many questions.

Kyuhyun shrugs to his friend, picking up his water bottle from his bag. Ryeowook is silent, nibbling his lower lip as he awaits Kyuhyun’s answer. When he doesn’t get one, he shifts his position on the floor, resting his weight on his elbow.

Sungmin is still not over you, even after all this time, he remarks, looking up at Kyuhyun with unreadable eyes. But I guess you already knew that, he adds shortly after like an afterthought.

Kyuhyun takes a moment to find his words.

Yeah.

∞

Hyukjae, Shindong and Donghae are the most eager ones during dance practice, which is no surprise. They often show up early just to go through it a couple of times before the others. However, when Sungmin tags along with them, Kyuhyun and Ryeowook both raise their eyebrows. Sungmin is a hard working person, but he never shows up early at group practice. Never.

He must have gone through the comeback makeover. His hair is newly cut and styled, ink black hair with bangs falling over his eyes. He looks fashionable and entrancing, desirable with his smouldering look. He looks perfect, almost inhuman. Sungmin keeps his eyes away from Kyuhyun, but Kyuhyun knows he wants him to watch closely. He tilts his chin higher up than usual, and his full lips are tilted into a bemused smirk. His hands are on his hips instead of fumbling with his t-shirt.

Ryeowook asks Sungmin as polite as he can why Sungmin is there, and Sungmin releases a small laugh, running his hand through his styled hair.

I really want to nail this dance routine, so I asked Hyukjae and Shindong for some extra help. They are the best and the most eager ones, so I knew they would show up early, Sungmin states simply, shrugging to feign nonchalance. No one says anything until Donghae clears his throat, and everyone turns to him. Kyuhyun keeps his eyes trained at the floor.

I think you forgot to mention me, Donghae remarks, voice harsh. Everyone except Kyuhyun turn their heads toward Sungmin and the latter laughs.

I’m just teasing you, Donghae, he explains. You too, of course. What would we do possibly do without you?

∞

Sungmin doesn’t like me.

You’re being ridiculous.

He still loves you, you know.

I— Yes, I know.

I want everyone to know you’re mine. Maybe he’ll give up.

I’m not, though.

What do you mean, “I’m not”?

You know what I mean.

Stop talking nonsense.

I’m really not, though.

You… You will be.

∞

Kyuhyun runs a hand through his newly cut hair, thinking it’s short but he likes it. Donghae likes it too, fingers trailing along Kyuhyun’s hairline tenderly. The youngest scoffs in embarrassment, watching as Donghae’s eyes glister while taking in every feature of Kyuhyun’s face. He can hear Donghae’s breathing in the stillness of the room, save for the buzz of his computer in the background.

The room has a heavy scent that lingers, a mixture of sweat, blood and warmth. It stinks of bad mistakes. Donghae’s lips part and he runs a tongue over his flushed lips, the air he exhales wheezing with want. The desire is palpable, and it’s creeping under Kyuhyun’s skin, giving him gooseflesh that prickles. When Donghae moves closer, he starts shuddering. He knows it’s time for him to leave.

He rouses up from the bed into a sitting position, grasping the edge of the bed with clammy fingers. Donghae shifts, and Kyuhyun flinches up on his feet. Before he can move any further though, Donghae has him by the wrist.

I meant it, Donghae says in a rush. He meets Kyuhyun’s eyes and follow them as Kyuhyun averts them toward the door.

I wouldn’t lie to you, he adds, voice decreasing in volume. You should know.

Kyuhyun shakes his hand out of Donghae’s grip and strides out of the room. Once he’s out, he releases a breath he wasn’t aware he had kept inside.

∞

Do you want to watch a movie with me? You know, like we used to. Before.

Sungmin stands in front of him, holding up a copy of ‘Titanic’ and a bowl of popcorn, smoke still rising from the snack. His eyes are dark and his lips are quivering, looking as if he’s about to cry. For a moment, Kyuhyun considers saying yes. The end of their relationship shouldn’t have meant the end of their friendship, but Kyuhyun worries for what Sungmin will do once the lights go out.

Kyuhyun stands still, mind racing as he stares at the man ahead of him. For each second that passes, Sungmin’s face falls, and the sickness inside Kyuhyun starts coiling ever so gently. With a sigh, he guides Sungmin into the living room, taking the DVD out of Sungmin’s hand. He puts the disk into the player, ignoring Sungmin’s happy grin.

As predicted, Sungmin’s hand is creeping closer as the movie progresses. It brushes against Kyuhyun’s finger lightly, and Kyuhyun hardens his gaze. His lips part, and he tries to concentrate on his breathing, trying to calm his tense body. Inhale… Inhale… Sungmin’s hand is only getting closer, though, and soon Sungmin has interlaced their fingers. As if struck by lightening, Kyuhyun stands up so abruptly that the bowl of popcorn tilts over and spills all over the couch.

Sungmin! Kyuhyun exclaims, voice cracking. He shifts his weight on his feet, breathing heavily as he stares at the other man with great confusion. He then turns on his heels and marches off to their shared bedroom, ignoring Sungmin’s broken calls after him.

That night Sungmin is crying again, and Kyuhyun has never lost so many matches in a row.

∞

Sungmin is still not over me. The other day he wanted us to watch a movie, and I said yes, when suddenly he took my hand and held it. I don’t know what to do when he’s being like that. I don’t know why he’s doing that.

Are you seriously going to talk about this now?

Donghae, please, can you just listen—

Are you sure you’re over him?

What the— Donghae, what’s the matter with you?

Kyuhyun, look. I love you.

You what? No... No. Don’t say that. Don’t.

But I do. I love you.

Donghae, stop it. Just stop. Please. Not now.

Does it upset you? Even after all this time?

You don’t understand.

No, I think it’s the other way around.

∞

When Kyuhyun looks at Donghae, he feels a weird sense of warmth, but also a sticking pain in his chest. It’s like a layer of his heart is being ripped off, and the wound bleeds in throbbing motions. It’s a raw feeling, and it hurts, but Kyuhyun feels drawn to it. Donghae is his flame, and he’s like a moth, fluttering into his fiery grasp.

∞

You’ve lost a lot of weight.

I know. That’s usually what happens when you dance almost everyday for hours.

Are you eating well? Your hip bones are sticking out—

I know. Can you please stop pointing it out and… Just kiss me and get it over with.

You don’t have to ask, dear. Come here.

∞

One late afternoon they have a promotional interview for their comeback, and each of the members are given separate or double dressing rooms. Kyuhyun sits rigidly in his chair, the only sound in the room his own shallow breathing. His stylists have left the room, and Kyuhyun runs a trembling hand through his hair. He’s supposed to look beautiful, but when he looks into the mirror, he doesn’t recognize the person gazing back at him.

He rises from the chair and reaches for the knob for his jacket and tie. In the instant he grabs the jacket, there is a knock on the door. It’s like a silent heartbeat, and Kyuhyun makes a sound for the person to enter. The door creaks open, and Sungmin’s petite figure slips through the crack. Kyuhyun’s eye twitches and he puts on the jacket stiffly.

Hi, Sungmin says, voice frail. Kyuhyun merely nods in reply, fiddling with his tie in an attempt to make it look decent. His fingers keep trembling, so the tie slips clumsily out of his fingers. Sungmin chuckles nervously as he watches the scene in front of him, approaching Kyuhyun with a slight shake of his head.

Here, let me do it, he insists and reaches out, taking the tie out of Kyuhyun’s hands.

Don’t, Kyuhyun objects, seconds too late. Sungmin is already frowning in concentration, lips pouting as his fingers work diligently to knot the tie. Kyuhyun gulps, letting his eyes ghost over Sungmin’s face for the first time in ages, simultaneously as he arches his head backwards.

Fragile and quite beautiful, Sungmin resembles a withered leaf. Like a withered leaf, he looks like he’s about to crumble. Eyes downcast, his small hands, pale and dry, are clinging to the dark tie like it’s a lifeline. Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to feel. Succumb into his apathy, or be susceptible for sentiment. Kyuhyun bites his lower lip and averts his gaze, dizziness flourishing every time he blinks. When Sungmin is done with the tie, he keeps his hands on Kyuhyun’s chest, the touch warm against his pounding heart. He feels as though he will faint soon.

You know, you used to love me once, Sungmin recalls sadly, looking up at Kyuhyun. The corners of his eyes are watery, and they seem darker than usual. They are faltering, and Kyuhyun needs space to breathe. Putting his hands on Sungmin’s shoulders, he pushes him backwards in such a manner that the other stumbles, barely saving himself from falling to the ground. Kyuhyun feels a sting in his chest when Sungmin casts a perplexed look up at him.

Yes, used to. Past tense. You need to get over me already, Kyuhyun remarks coldly and turns, reaching out for his silver watch on the dressing table. He coughs to hide the quaver in his voice and puts on his watch. The metal feels so cold against his skin it stings.

It’s not healthy what you’re doing, he continues, shifting on his feet. His clothes feel awkward on his body.

And don’t cry; you’re ruining your makeup. Be a man.

Sungmin is silent for a long while.

I’ve heard that you either will always love someone, or you never did, Sungmin then mumbles and puts his arms around himself. Kyuhyun halts in the process of leaving the dressing room and his eyes drops to the floor.

That’s ridiculous, he snaps, turning to look at Sungmin. Sungmin lifts his gaze to meet Kyuhyun’s, eyes dim and face frozen into a stoic expression.

I don’t think so, Sungmin argues in a mere mumble. I really… believe that.

Kyuhyun grabs the door handle and yanks the door open.

I guess I never did, then.

∞

Look at me now, Sungmin hisses through gritted teeth, demanding voice concealed behind a brilliant grin. Sungmin takes his hand, and Kyuhyun turns his head toward the other reluctantly, hearing the fans scream in delight.

I told you they’d love it, Sungmin says triumphantly and smiles sweetly at Kyuhyun, as if he just won a bet. The corners of Kyuhyun’s lips tilt upwards and he squeezes Sungmin’s hand tightly, ignoring the burn of his skin. He senses Donghae’s heated glare from the side, and his mouth twitches, feeling elated and guilty simultaneously. It burns, and Kyuhyun wants to laugh.

∞

Donghae slams Kyuhyun against the wall. The impact echoes and Kyuhyun groans, rubbing the back of his sore head.

What on earth do you think you’re doing? Donghae scolds, pressing Kyuhyun harder against the wall. He takes a step backwards, observing him with a scowl.

I don’t know what you’re talking about, Kyuhyun mutters, brushing dust off his shirt and rolling his shoulders. Donghae scoffs and rolls his eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, Donghae jeers, approaching Kyuhyun and grabbing his neck, shoving him back against the wall. He leans forward, lips brushing at the skin of Kyuhyun’s earlobe, eliciting a choked whimper. Donghae tightens his grip on Kyuhyun’s neck, and Kyuhyun resists the urge to gag.

You’re mine, Donghae hisses into his ear. Only mine. I don’t want Sungmin to touch you. I don’t want anyone else to touch you. Do you understand? You are mine.

Kyuhyun scoffs.

No, Donghae, he says with a chuckle. You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not yours. I will never be yours. You’re being delusional. Besides, it was all just for the fans!

Donghae’s eyes widen and his grip on Kyuhyun loosens. His head then tilts downward facing his shoes, and his dark brown bangs fall over his eyes. The shadows under his eyes make him look tired and weak, and Kyuhyun frowns.

You just don’t get it, Donghae whispers in disbelief. You don’t understand anything! Do you even know what’s going on? How many who—

He releases Kyuhyun with a scoff before he turns on his heels, marching away without looking back. Kyuhyun brings his hand to his neck, touch soft at the sore skin. He thinks about it bruising and smiles to himself. Then he wonders if he’s going crazy, too.

∞

Kyuhyun drops his bag carelessly on the floor of his bedroom, unzipping his jacket and fanning his back with it. He came home to the dorms later than the other members, as he decided to walk home instead of taking the van. The entire day had been long and exhausting. Kyuhyun had needed some time alone to think. The walk was longer than he had assumed though, and far more tiring. He was straight through drained for the day.

He runs a hand through his sticky hair, wiping sweat from his forehead as he shrugs off his jacket and places it on top of his bag. With a roll of his shoulders, he proceeds to switch on the light, unknowing of what is luring in the dark. Nothing in his life could’ve prepared him for the sight that meets him.

In the middle of the room, Sungmin stands naked and exposed, eyelids heavy as he stares straight at him. His lips forms a manic grin, and he strokes himself with tender movements. The tip glistens, and Kyuhyun has trouble processing what’s going on in front of him. The room reeks of alcohol and sweat and come.

Kyuhyun reverses a step, colliding with the door. He fumbles after the door handle, but Sungmin beats him to it, striding toward him and locking the door behind him. Sungmin stands close, so close that Kyuhyun can see the gooseflesh on his skin and the sweat gracing his hairline and neck. He can smell the desperation. Eyes wide, his breath hitches in his throat.

What the—?

Shut up, Sungmin snaps, taking Kyuhyun by the collar of his shirt and hauling him over to his bed. Kyuhyun staggers in his steps, helplessly fumbling with his hands and arms in an attempt to pry off Sungmin’s grip. He tries to fight against Sungmin’s hold around him, but Sungmin has a death grip on him and Kyuhyun feels powerless. He gasps.

Sungmin, oh my god. Stop—!

Sungmin interrupts him by shoving him down onto the bed, abrupt and forcible. Kyuhyun hits the back of his head on the bedpost, and the world swirls in front of his eyes for a moment. Muffling a pained cry, Kyuhyun tries to roll to the side to escape. He inhales sharply. Ahead of him, Sungmin has him pressed down against the mattress. Pearls of sweat race down Kyuhyun’s forehead, and his heart throbs in his chest.

Why don’t you love me? Sungmin demands, voice breaking into sobs. He unbuttons and and tosses Kyuhyun’s shirt across the room. Droplets of grief rushes down his flushed cheeks, and Sungmin straddles his legs over Kyuhyun.

We could do what we did today every day, if only you'd love me back. Didn't you like it? Didn't you hear how much the fans cheered? They know we're meant for each other!

Kyuhyun grips around Sungmin’s thighs, pushing them backward with all his might. Sungmin loses his balance, and falls flat on top of Kyuhyun with a yelp. It takes a moment until Sungmin has grasped where he is. He looks down at Kyuhyun with wide eyes, before dropping his gaze further south. Something sparks within him. Taking advantage of their position, Sungmin grips the mattress, biting down on his lower lip as he rubs his naked groin against Kyuhyun’s clothed. Kyuhyun groans and throws his head back, gasping mid-sentence as he pleads Sungmin to stop.

What went wrong? What does Donghae have that I don’t? Sungmin bellows, incoherent and voice cracking. He rolls his hips, evoking a shameful mix between a moan and a sob from Kyuhyun. Sungmin creates a slight distance between them, opening the buttons and unzipping Kyuhyun’s jeans, pulling it down his knees. He places a hand on top of Kyuhyun’s underwear sloppily. Kyuhyun writhes underneath him, struggling against his hold on him.

Sungmin, please—!

Why don’t you love me anymore, Kyuhyun? What— What happened?

Kyuhyun bites his lips, anxiety and disgust forming into tears that sears on his cheeks as they fall. He lunges after Sungmin, and finally reaches his shoulders, fingernails creating angry crescent marks on Sungmin’s shuddering skin. Sungmin freezes. His hold on Kyuhyun loosens, and Kyuhyun pryes him off, panting by the effort.

Sungmin, why are you doing this? Please stop. Just stop. Don’t do this to me.

Sungmin falls silent, staring soberly ahead. It’s like words finally start to cohere. Then his shoulders start shaking, and he clings onto Kyuhyun, soaking Kyuhyun’s naked shoulders with his tears. Stunned, Kyuhyun awkwardly puts his arms around the man, pressing their chests tightly together. He then buries his face in Sungmin’s neck, and like he used to before, he whispers soothing words onto his skin.

Sungmin wails, nails digging into Kyuhyun’s back as he murmurs, I hate you. I hate you so fucking much, Kyuhyun. Nodding, Kyuhyun strokes Sungmin’s back and reaches for a blanket, cloaking Sungmin’s naked body with it. He dries Sungmin’s tears gently with his thumbs despite fresh ones unceasingly appearing.

I—I’m sorry, Sungmin stammers in between his sobs. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That wasn’t me. That wasn’t me. I’m so - so sorry. Goddamn it, Kyuhyun, I’m… That wasn’t me.

Kyuhyun shushes him and massages Sungmin’s head, combing his fingers gently through his sweaty hair.

I know, he murmurs. I know. It’s—It’s okay. Just sleep now.

But it's not okay. Sungmin eventually closes his eyes, and whimpers until exhaustion pulls him into a dreamless sleep. As Sungmin’s breathing goes heavier and more infrequent, Kyuhyun lay down by his side, using his palms as a pillow and watches until he has assured Sungmin doesn’t wake up. Sungmin looks peaceful for once, and Kyuhyun feels a pang in his chest. He then scrambles over to the bathroom and cries violently, though silently, by the toilet until he falls asleep as well.

∞

That night Kyuhyun dreams of bottomless pits and darkness, crashing waves and deep musk. His sight is blinded by smoke and purple light, and no matter how much he tries to focus, it seems as if there is an endless blur wherever he looks.

It’s hot. Everywhere around him, it’s like the air is boiling. His skin throbs by the heat, and he runs a tongue along his lips, dry as desert sand. He closes his eyes. A gust of wind encircles him in a whirl, and it guides him away from the warmth to openness—endless white wherever his eyes wander. He is surrounded by mist, and the whiteness only grows brighter by each blink of his eye.

A golden cage is conjured from the mist, patterns of ivy crafted into the golden bars. You are mine, a husky voice whispers like a mantra. Kyuhyun looks around, tries to locate the source of the voice, but the voice is everywhere but nowhere at the same time. The voice is growing angry and spiteful.

You are mine. Youaremine. Youaremineyouaremineyouaremineyouaremineyouare—

Drops of tears land upon his head, and in the background another voice sounds in the form of a someone sobbing his name. He reaches out for the golden bars, a sense of strength rushing through him as he wants to run to whoever is crying. It’s almost like a reflex. However, as soon as his skin touches the metal, his skin peels off and he starts bleeding from the open wounds. He shrieks, putting the hands in front of his face, mortified as his hands are painted red by his blood. He looks around in his frantic state, heart racing as he tries to locate the crying voice. He kicks the bars of the cage as hard as he can, watching as his shoes start to dissipate. A rush of desperation churns through him, and he screams out, wanting to get to the crying person. He doesn’t know why it’s so important; he just knows he has to find him. Save him, because it’s all his fault.

The next moment he is in bed with Donghae, kissing his tan neck and nibbling at his collarbones. When he strokes Donghae’s skin with his fingers, he leaves scarlet stains, and he paints Donghae’s skin with his blood. He paints poems and dreams and his desires, things he wants to say but never could. Donghae’s warm hands ghost over his hips, Kyuhyun’s skin falling off wherever Donghae touches. Flakes of skin lay around them, and everything is hurting so much, yet so indescribably numb.

All of the sudden, Donghae vanishes away underneath him, dust hanging in the air like an echo. Kyuhyun grasp into the air, but Donghae is already gone and Kyuhyun falls. Falls, falls, falls down into the bottomless pit, screaming, but no sound coming out.

∞

Days pass, and Kyuhyun catches himself treating Sungmin better. He doesn’t avert his gaze every time Sungmin enters the room, and if Sungmin speaks to him, he replies, although scarcely.

He hasn’t spoken to Donghae ever since the event backstage though, and he finds himself wondering what Donghae is doing and thinking more often than not. Donghae has stopped pulling Kyuhyun into the bedroom whenever the other members are out or busy with schedules, and even though he hates to admit it, it’s driving him crazy. He can’t really explain it, but his chest feels constricted lately and he can’t breathe properly. It’s like the sickness within him has settled and convolves.

He’s in the recording studio with Jongwoon, one of the lead singers of their group. They are recording a ballad duet for their new album. Midway during their song, Kyuhyun catches himself thinking about Donghae again. When they receive a short break, drinking some tea to soothe their throats, Kyuhyun musters the courage to ask about him.

Has he spoken to you lately? he asks silently, eyes flickering from the floor to Jongwoon and back down again. Jongwoon arches an eyebrow, and Kyuhyun looks down at his lap, folding and unfolding his hands. Jongwoon leans backward in his chair and wipes his face tiredly with his hands.

Who, Sungmin?

Kyuhyun shakes his head slowly, and Jongwoon sighs.

Ah, Donghae. Well, it’s not like we talk a lot together normally. He hasn’t said anything in particular when we have been speaking though, if that’s what you want to know, Jongwoon says with a frown.

Don’t think we haven’t noticed, though. Did you have a fight? He’s been acting weird lately.

Kyuhyun shakes his head, not really sure.

Then I don’t know. How about asking Hyukjae? Being Donghae’s best friend and all. He would surely know, wouldn’t he?

∞

Kyuhyun? Oh, what's up? Hyukjae greets, turning in his bed so he lies on his side, upper body supported by his elbow. The bed is made, like it usually is, and the room is spotless and in order. Kyuhyun feels somewhat out of place.

Do you want to borrow the next volume of that manga?

Kyuhyun shakes his head and sits down on the edge of the bed, ignoring the disapproving twitch of Hyukjae’s lips.

I need to talk to you, Kyuhyun confesses, trapping his lower lip between his teeth and looking with uncertainty at the other. Hyukjae’s worry mirrors in his eyes, brows knitting into a frown. He rises into a full sitting position, drawing his knees to his chest.

Okay? What is it?

Kyuhyun inhales deeply, hiding his shaking hands underneath his thighs.

It’s about Donghae.

Donghae? …What about him?

He… I heard he’s been acting strange lately. Do you know anything about that? Kyuhyun inquires, feeling his heart thud against his chest, as though it tries to leap out through his ribs. Hyukjae looks at him silently for a long time, lips narrowing into a fine line. His posture has grown rigid, and he breaks eye contact to scowl at the mattress.

You’re worrying about Donghae? he asks in a murmur, fingers turning pale by the clench of his fist. He doesn’t say anything more. Kyuhyun sighs in his impatience, rising from the bed in a swift movement.

Never mind then, he mutters as he stands in the door. I guess they’re wrong.

∞

His hands are clammy as he clutches the toilet bowl, resting his forehead against the toilet seat. The marble feels cool against his feverish forehead, and Kyuhyun has to force himself away from the coolness in order to flush.

The stench is the worst part of it, although the bitterness in his mouth in not quite pleasant either. Kyuhyun curses. He thought it was out of his system. Yet he’s still crouching next to the toilet, another wave of sickness coursing through him. Hissing, he moves his head over the toilet seat and gags.

There is a knock on the door, and Kyuhyun spits before croaking out an answer.

What is it?

Kyuhyun, are you okay?

Sungmin’s voice is loud and obnoxious, as if he really doesn’t know the answer himself. Coughing, Kyuhyun stands up and heads for the sink, rinsing his mouth before opening the door for the other. If he notices the stench, he doesn’t remark it.

I heard weird noises… Are you feeling sick? Sungmin asks, lips narrowing in concern. Kyuhyun muses at the other, shaking his head.

Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.

Sungmin looks down at his feet.

Okay. If you say so.

∞

That night Donghae slips under the blanket with him. Kyuhyun had decided to sleep early, having early schedules the next day. However, as soon as he feels the warmth of Donghae’s body against his, he knows he won’t be sleeping much. It doesn’t strike Kyuhyun as strange that Donghae lay there with him. It feels natural, as if he’s returned to where he’s supposed to be. It’s like Kyuhyun can breathe again, finally feeling the heat of Donghae’s flames licking along his body.

He worries about Sungmin lying on the other side of the room, knowing Sungmin is a light sleeper. He hopes Donghae won’t do anything.

Missed me? Donghae whispers into his ear, and Kyuhyun resists the shudder as much as he can, presses against Donghae to steal off his body warmth.

No, Kyuhyun says and clutches Donghae’s hand. Donghae chuckles and puts his free arm over Kyuhyun’s waist, sniffing in his scent and nuzzling their bodies together.

Donghae, we have to be quiet. Sungmin’s sleeping, Kyuhyun warns in a hushed hiss. His words pass by ignored, and Donghae licks at the skin along the nape of his neck, pecking at the wet skin.

When did that ever stop us?

Kyuhyun’s eyes falter and he swallows a moan, squeezing Donghae’s hand as hard as he can. Donghae snickers.

Be quiet, Kyuhyun whispers. We can’t do anything now. We must be silent—

Donghae smirks into Kyuhyun’s neck, his hand sliding subtly from Kyuhyun’s waist down toward his crotch, playing with the waistband of his boxers.

You’ll have to bite down into your pillow, then, because I won’t stop, Donghae purrs. And Kyuhyun does.

perdendo; losing volume, fading into nothing, dying away (wip)

2013-06-17T10:48:17Z

perdendo; losing volume, fading into nothing, dying away
kyumin
pg-13
2,100 words
sungmin meets university student kyuhyun, falls in love, and lies.

notes ♥ I just wrote this to experiment with the first person narration. not sure how I feel about it. in the end I do prefer third person narrative, but we'll see how this goes. I have no immediate plans of continuing this, but I might reconsider.

UPDATE 27/08/14: fixed some errors and added some sentences to ease flow.

Kyuhyun was just a kid when I met him, barely twenty and ready to conquer the world. He was majoring in postmodern classical music, said he wanted to be a composer when he had finished his studies. I found him elegant and smart, envied his knowledge, and felt a thug at my heartstrings when he told me about crescendo, diminuendo and perdendo. The way the foreign words rolled off his lips was merely fascinating, if not alluring and tempting.

The first time Kyuhyun grinned at me, I knew he was the one.

The first time I met him, I lied.

-

It was 7.43 p.m. and I was clutching my coat around myself, burying my face in my copper colored scarf as I checked the time for the nth time that evening. Our appointment was set at 7.30 p.m. outside the movie theatre. However as usual, Kyuhyun was running late. Very late.

The wind was icy and merciless against my bare skin, and I tried to cover the remaining of my exposed face with my dark locks of hair. My body was shuddering to the point it was painful, and I had started chewing my lower lip again, a bad habit I actually had put off. People passed, conversations mingling between them, and suddenly I felt lonely, standing by myself as families, friends and lovers entered the movie theatre.

Six minutes passed before he approached me with red, quivering cheeks matching mine, breathing out an apology as he gave me a one-handed hug. He smelled of washing powder, cologne and fresh November air, and as he beamed at me, my heart skipped a beat.

"Ready to go?" he asked, voice cracking as if he was getting a cold. I nodded at him, mirroring his smile and gasping as the crisp, cold air hit my face again. Kyuhyun winked at me and put his arm over my shoulders, squeezing tightly before letting go, and then we strolled down the streets heading for Daisy Bar. I wanted to laugh of the joy swirling inside of me, but settled for a faint smile that lingered.

-

Daisy Bar was not outstanding in any way. The interior was pretty basic; the floor was layered in warm wood, the chairs and sofas were coated in leather, and the place was oozing of smoke, beer and perfume. Women and men were engaged in loud laughter, glasses were clunked against each other, and in the corner were a silent group that passed cigarettes while murmuring private stories.

Kyuhyun and I had gone to this bar ever since we met, primarily because it had cheap beer, but also because somehow, no other place seemed to be good enough for us. This was where it had started; this was where everything would happen.

Sometimes we would encounter a couple of Kyuhyun's friends from campus, and when we did, he would always introduce me to them, talking warmly about how I was one of the strangest people he'd ever had the displeasure to know, all while wearing a mischievous glimmer in his eyes. He had his arm casually around my waist as he chattered with a group of four guys and two girls, and I let my gaze fare off to the other people populating the bar. I smiled and nodded whenever someone mentioned me, answered shortly if someone ever directed a question at me or asked for my opinion; I was relieved that they rarely did.

"Hey, Sungmin, I’m gonna go grab a beer. Wanna come?" Kyuhyun asked, poking me in the sides. I flinched and slapped his hand away, giving him a nod.

"Yeah, sure. Your treat, right?"

Kyuhyun's face fell comically.

"Come on, I'm a student! Give me some slack, will you?"

I laughed and ushered him towards the bar, shaking my head while telling him that I would pay instead.

Kyuhyun didn't know I was older than him. The first time I met him, I subtracted my age with six years so I would be his age. I found it easier that way. For once, I just wanted to fool around and have the excuse that I'm young. As soon as you're older than the rest, an authority automatically falls upon you, and with authority comes responsibility. However, as much as I do like responsibility, and not to mention control, this recklessness and freedom was something I would like to try. I was often complimented for my boyish appearance, so I could easily pass as a twenty-year-old. It couldn't hurt, right?

Kyuhyun ordered a pint of beer and I did the same, tapping my fingers against the counter as I waited for my drink. The tapping sent me into a thoughtful trance, and I looked at Kyuhyun from the corner of my eyes, quirking a guilty smile when his eyes met mine.

"Feeling philosophical today, are we?"

I hummed. "I suppose."

"One beer for your thoughts?"

I chuckled and looked down at the counter, bangs casting shadows over my cheeks. Kyuhyun chuckled too, putting his elbow over the counter and resting his head on top of his hand, eyes boring into me. I chanced on a glance.

"What happened to the 'I'm a student so I'm broke' excuse? One beer is a lot for a thought," I said, smirking. Kyuhyun grimaced at me, and that was the end of the discussion.

The bartender served our drinks, and we sipped them in silence until we could see the bottom. When we were ordering round three, Kyuhyun spoke up.

"So, have you been engaged in any relationships lately?"

His tone was nonchalant, but the twitch of his lips gave him away. I watched him as I took a long sip of my beer, feeling the haze starting to work its magic.

"No, I'm not. Single as a sock that just came out of the washing machine."

Kyuhyun scowled at me as if I was crazy, scoffing at my simile with a lopsided smirk.

"Have you had a lot of relationships then?" Kyuhyun then asked, both elbows at the counter now, upper body facing the rest of the bar while he leaned backwards.

"No," I answered honestly, eyes following Kyuhyun's, which were faltering from every person in the room to another.

"How about fuckbuddies then?"

I gave him a flat look.

"No?"

This was starting to feel like an interrogation, and I pondered over Kyuhyun's intentions. Kyuhyun turned to me, frowning.

"You really have and have had nothing at all?" Kyuhyun scoffed in disbelief. "You're not a virgin, are you?"

I chuckled as I downed the last bit of my beer, murmuring to the bartender for another round. Kyuhyun gave a sign with his hand that he wanted one too, eyes never leaving me.

"No, I'm not. I had a boyfriend, once."

Kyuhyun quirked an eyebrow.

"A boyfriend?"

"A boyfriend."

Kyuhyun’s eyes were wide as he eyed me, taking a big sip of his newly refilled beer. He then smiled warmly, chuckling by himself until his eyes returned to the bar.

-

New Year's Eve, and Kyuhyun had gathered all of his friends by the riverbank of the Han River to celebrate. We had all been with our families earlier and performed the traditions; now was the time to really let go and have some fun.

I was introduced to a whole new set of people, all attending the same university as Kyuhyun. Two of them, Shim Changmin and Lee Jonghyun, had brought drinks, and one named Kim Ryeowook had brought snacks. There was a girl named Victoria there, a Chinese girl who had moved to South Korea a couple of years ago to study modern dance, and lastly there was a guy younger than the rest here, a high school graduate named Choi Minho. Everyone greeted me well, and I got more or less along with all of them. I found it easier to talk to Victoria, though, because she seemed a bit more mature than the rest. Could be because she was a quiet type that didn't care much to jump at the others, scream their names in their ears and then snatch their drinks like certain Minhos and Changmins.

Kyuhyun was everywhere. It wasn't easy to get in touch with him, so I hung out with Victoria mostly, and had a long (drunken) discussion with Ryeowook about how to make the best Kimchi stew. I was talking with Jonghyun about guitar playing, and I found out that Minho had tried martial arts during middle school. When I had drunk too much, Victoria was sitting my by side, patting my back as I vomited up my misery.

Sometime during the night, Kyuhyun had me against the wall in an alleyway a few yards from the riverbank. I had no memory of how we got there, except the vague picture in my head where Kyuhyun had taken my hand and pulled me out from the group in the middle of Changmin's lame joke.

His body was entrapping mine, and the shadows and the distance were concealing us from the others' view. Hot breath tickling my ear, he was humming lowly, like a cat's purring.

"Sungmin..."

His lips were gracing the skin between my ear and jawline and I shuddered, fingers gripping the fabric of his jacket. His hands advanced into my coat and rested gently to my hips. He drew me in. My body leaned into him and I took in his intoxicating scent, figuring he wore a different cologne, musky and deep—exotic. His lips teased mine, brushing at the corners, my philthrum, but never met them spot-on. I groaned, tugging at his jacket, and he let out a breathy chuckle.

"Your breath stinks of liquor," he murmured, and I kicked his shins.

"Way to ruin the mood, moron," I groaned, fingers grasping at his biceps, hoping it would bruise. Kyuhyun winced by the force, nibbling his lower lip as he squeezed his eyes shut. Feeling vengeful, I applied more pressure, and he started shaking. Then to my surprise, a moan escaped past his flush lips, and my breath got clogged up.

"Liking this?" I whispered in surprise. My grip loosened by reflex and he made a sound from the back of his throat. He gave me a shaky nod, finally opening his eyes to look into mine. His eyes were dark as coal, glistering, and crimson color crept up to his cheeks.

"You're sick," I said in a low voice, smirking at him as I tried to tame my feeling of helplessness and wobbly knees. Kyuhyun leaned in, burying his face in the crook of my neck and inhaled deeply through his nose.

"Can't blame me," he said, breath tickling the skin of my neck. "But don't you even try to tell me you don't like it as well."

That night, we ended up in my apartment, tangled in my white sheets as moans echoed in empty rooms.

-

I woke up alone, shivering of the cold and cursing because I couldn't find any painkillers. Clutching my pillow, I detached myself from the comfort of the bed and staggered into the kitchen, looking for my phone. My flat was a mess from the night before, my clothes lying around everywhere. By the kitchen there was a broken bowl, as we probably had nudged it sometime as we stumbled into the room.

I eventually found it under layers of clothes and tapped a button, the display screen showing me five notifications. Missed calls from my family of three and two messages. Figuring I could call my family back later, I checked my messages. One was from Donghee, a friend from my university days, and the other was from Kyuhyun. Seeing Kyuhyun's name, my heart leapt, and I reluctantly opened the message.

Cho Kyuhyun:
Had to leave early. Family matters. We'll talk later.
07:37, 01.01.2011

Later. Feeling strength ebb away from my fingers, I closed my eyes, inhaling sharply as I closed the message and opened the other one.

Shin Donghee:
happy happy birthday minnie!!!^^ makin u a party tonight! is 10 pm ok??
00:01, 01.01.2011

I shut off my phone and went back to bed with heavy steps, burying my face in the sheets and drowning myself in the lingering scent of Kyuhyun. I knew I was screwed, and instead of anticipating the birthday party tonight, the only thing I was thinking about was how much I did not look forward to Kyuhyun’s “later”. Or, in fact, couldn't wait to see him again. Which was just as bad.

p.s. if you want to read more I'd love to know (edit: LOL i'd also like to know what you liked about it)
p.s.s. ~~does anyone know what to call "a half litre of beer" bc I feel like it's another name for it~~. thanks seeeno ;; apparently it's called "a pint".
p.s.s.s. I actually wrote this last year or smth

foolish people; an alternate ending

2013-05-09T20:14:01Z

foolish people; an alternate ending
r
450 words

notes ♥ this is not an actual part of the story; it's just a little something I wrote to play with the thought of this potential ending. please mind the rating.

The dorm was silent as a whistle blown out, and it felt as if the air had seeped through the windows and cracks. In the background there was a sob, followed by a blush of shame for having broken the suffocating silence. No one moved. No one.

They found him curled up like a withered leaf, as fragile, as empty, as dead. His right hand laid distortedly above his head, like it was paused mid-way in a spasm. His skin was white and purple and yellow and a faint red—a color spectrum painful to watch, yet breathtaking.

The silence was disquieting.

They couldn’t believe it. They wouldn’t believe it. They turned their backs and everyone tried to convince themselves it was a joke; they lied to themselves because the truth was so harsh they became numb. He wasn’t moving. He wasn’t breathing. He would never breathe again, never feel the wind against his skin, feel the warmth from the oven, feel the satisfaction after a good meal, or the pleasure after a good night’s sleep. He would never feel groggy after he woke up.

No one spoke. The oldest in the group took action, followed by the strongest. They carried him out from the bathtub and put him down on the floor as if he was made of glass. Someone cried out that they should put a blanket over him—for God’s sake, he’ll freeze. Two of them found this too much to handle and left the dorm. Meanwhile the youngest of them was rocking back and forth on the floor next to the body, hysterical crying muted by the pain coursing through his entire being. He was crying so hard no sound came out; tears were racing silently down his cheeks. His eyes were pierced on the face of his beloved before it was covered in cloth, and the picture was frozen solid into his memory, frozen into a mind that would turn into eternal winter—cold and ruthless. He mouthed his name, over and over. He felt as if he would drown in his own tears.

He kicked and he screamed as they dragged him out. The strongest of them carried him on his shoulders and locked him inside his room, ignoring the clawing on his back, the scratches and the punches.

Let me see him! Let me see him!

Three of them had to hold him down. The rest of them stared in shock at the person lying on the floor in the bathroom, covered in white cloth as if covered by snow. He wasn’t moving. He wasn’t breathing.

Why is it so silent?

They couldn’t believe Sungmin was dead.

foolish people; 2/2

2013-05-01T19:31:35Z

foolish people (2/2)
kyumin, kyuhae
r
6,960 words.
Sungmin still can't get over Kyuhyun and finds new ways to distract himself from the pain.

notes ♥ so finally the follow-up, that was in no way requested or anticipated. oh well, this story really has been bugging me forever, so I had to finish it. except there might be a slight possibility it's not entirely finished yet. we'll see. also, pay close attention to rating. this is heavy stuff. it's not a stand-alone, so read part 1 first.

warnings: (highlight to view) violence, language, descriptions of self harming and everything that follows

Download .pdf [31/08/14: temporarily taken down to be updated]
Password: (highlight to view) 8611

foolish people; 1/2

2013-01-01T13:31:06Z

foolish people (1/2)
kyuhae, broken!kyumin
r
6,580 words
It's been over a year, but Kyuhyun is still haunted by the ghosts of his past relationship.

notes ♥ this is a rewrite of an earlier published story with the same title, written by me of course. because I don't steal other's works. ukno ( ・ω・) also! this was originally inspired by Wicked Game by Chris Isaak. I recommend listening to that song, not only bc this story was inspired by it but bc it's a goddamn great song.

warnings (highlight to view) angst, psychological illness, violence, language, non-con action*

Download .pdf [31/08/14: temporarily taken down to be updated]