II As I dance, I am safe & holy. II

2015: A Survey.

2015-12-27T01:27:20Z

ballroom I stole it!

1. WHAT DID YOU DO IN 2015 THAT YOU'D NEVER DONE BEFORE?
I went to jail. So that was a thing. But I also flew to Seattle, marking the beginning of a great end of the year.

2. DID YOU KEEP YOUR NEW YEARS' RESOLUTIONS, AND WILL YOU MAKE MORE FOR NEXT YEAR?
I don't make them. I choose to be resolute about things at all times, not just for New Year's sake.

3. DID ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU GIVE BIRTH?
No. However, my friend Amanda did get knocked up! She's due in May :)

4. DID ANYONE CLOSE TO YOU DIE?
No, thank God.

5. WHAT COUNTRIES DID YOU VISIT?
I was like, 20 miles from Canada when I was in Washington with ballroom lol.

6. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE IN 2016 THAT YOU LACKED IN 2015?
Money.

7. WHAT DATE FROM 2015 WILL REMAIN ETCHED UPON YOUR MEMORY, AND WHY?
October 21 - Nov 4th, when Bret came to visit! << SAME! <3 One of the best times of my entire life. :) also, March 26th, when I was arrested and put in jail, May 5th, when I was released from jail, and August 6th, when I was in a near-fatal car accident.

8. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT OF THE YEAR?
Successfully completing my probation.

9. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST FAILURE?
Going to jail.

10. DID YOU SUFFER ILLNESS OR INJURY?
I badly injured my right leg in my accident, as well as a severe concussion. But, I lived, so I can't really complain.

11. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING YOU BOUGHT?
I just bought a Lana Del Rey shirt I'm very excited about... lol.

12. WHOSE BEHAVIOR MERITED CELEBRATION?
The first person I thought of was Malala Yousafzai, even though I don't know her in real life. She's a goddamn inspiration, though, and I think she's wonderful.

13. WHOSE BEHAVIOR MADE YOU APPALLED AND DEPRESSED?
My grandmother, who had me arrested after a severe lie she told, thus snowballing a dreadful middle section of the year. I have forgiven her for myself and myself only; not for her.

14. WHERE DID MOST OF YOUR MONEY GO?
Crystals and Starbucks/Dunkin Donuts coffee lol

15. WHAT DID YOU GET REALLY, REALLY, REALLY EXCITED ABOUT?
Going to Seattle to see Kaycee. Also, Kaycee getting in contact with me again. <3 And included in that is seeing Marina and the Diamonds in concert!

16. WHAT SONG WILL ALWAYS REMIND YOU OF 2015?
Wild by Troye Sivan and Hello by Adele.

17. COMPARED TO THIS TIME LAST YEAR, ARE YOU:
I'm sober and that's the best feeling in the world. I did it myself with no intervention, no rehab, nothing: just pure dedication to living clean. My nephew inspires me.

18. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU'D DONE MORE OF?
Hindsight is 20/20. I wish I'd been less anxiety riddled in Seattle and gone and done several things Kaycee had planned, but I just couldn't do it because I didn't have my medication. I have no regrets, though. I'm proud of myself this year. I think I did great considering the hell I went through.

19. WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU'D DONE LESS OF?
Jail time... lol.

20. HOW WILL YOU BE SPENDING CHRISTMAS?
It felt 0% like Christmas, and I spent it as if it were any other day. I did live vicariously through my nephew, and through people's joy on Facebook. I've become a real Scrooge.

21. DID YOU FALL IN LOVE IN 2015?
Nope

22. HOW MANY ONE-NIGHT STANDS?
I *think* zero but I can't really remember the first couple months lol =X

23. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE TV PROGRAM?
Kaycee got me into Broad City, which I LOOOOVE. The Walking Dead and RuPaul's Drag Race, too.

24. DO YOU HATE ANYONE NOW THAT YOU DIDN'T HATE THIS TIME LAST YEAR?
No

25. WHAT WAS THE BEST BOOK YOU READ?
Mamrie Hart's You Deserve A Drink. So funny.

26. WHAT WAS YOUR GREATEST MUSICAL DISCOVERY?
Christine and the Queens, who opened for Marina. She's killer and her album fuckin' slays!

27. WHAT DID YOU WANT AND GET?
I wanted to travel and get out of Florida for a while, and Kaycee provided me with that opportunity, as well as the Marina concert. I was bitter @ Marina for not having a Florida date... it was serendipity that she just so happened to be in Seattle at the same time Kaycee had me there. It was just a magical two weeks!! I love you ballroom, more than you'll ever know. <3

28. WHAT DID YOU WANT AND NOT GET?
Moneyyyy lol. More rather, disability. Wish it was easier than having to fight for it. Also, that's not so much a want as a need. What I WANTED? To see Britney in Vegas. lol.

29. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE FILM OF THIS YEAR?
I Smile Back, I think. I'm trying to think of what films I saw this year. I Smile Back was absolutely excellent though.

30. WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, AND HOW OLD WERE YOU?
I turned 30 and I did nothing.

31. WHAT ONE THING WOULD HAVE MADE YOUR YEAR IMMEASURABLY MORE SATISFYING?
Not going to jail for 40 days.

32. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONAL FASHION CONCEPT IN 2015?
Brow game fleeked. Leggings with boots. Jackets that are too tight on purpose, anddd... NOT crystals, because I hate when people wear them for fashion rather than effect.

33. WHAT KEPT YOU SANE?
My nephew and my friends.

34. WHICH CELEBRITY/PUBLIC FIGURE DID YOU FANCY THE MOST?
Britney, Troye, Adele, Lana, Miley

35. WHAT POLITICAL ISSUE STIRRED YOU THE MOST?
The entirety of the GOP and how inflammatory they were/are.

36. WHO DID YOU MISS?
40 days in jail without seeing my nephew was actual torture.

37. WHO WAS THE BEST NEW PERSON YOU MET?
I didn't really meet anybody new. But I was reintroduced to Kaycee, <3.

38. TELL US A VALUABLE LIFE LESSON YOU LEARNED IN 2015:
Sometimes, Jesus is the answer. Or whatever higher power -- you must have faith in something. Because when you're at your lowest low, with no one for support... that higher power can affect you in extreme and positive ways.

39. QUOTE A SONG LYRIC THAT SUMS UP YOUR YEAR:
"I'm doing my face with magic marker. I'm in my right place, don't be a downer. I am actually good,
can't help it if we're tilted." ~ Tilted by Christine and the Queens.

"Ballroom" dancing in Seattle

2015-09-02T07:03:27Z

Sooo.. In just a few days now I find out if I get to go visit Kaycee (ballroom) next month in Seattle. I haven't really been able to get out of Florida since December 2013 when I took a mini-road trip to Virginia to drop a friend off. It was nice and all... But I need some good, quality time away from here.

Plus there's the whole... Kaycee and me reconnecting. You may remember we had a falling out.. Coming up on 5 years now actually. I miss her terribly and I long to see her even moreso than a trip to a place I've always wanted to go.

I'm very impressed and proud of that girl. She really Yanno... Did it. She adulted. Moved out on her own, experienced adult life and even drinks wine (red or white?) I wanna be her when I grow up.

I met a lovely new neighbor at my grandma's and she is a very talented artist. She does what looks like neon paintings but they're all marker and pen. They're stunning really. So I've been inspired to start painting again.

Can you imagine the inspiration Seattle should give me? Gawd. I'm keeping the dream alive because I feel Kaycee and I both deserve this. Obviously I'm going to benefit more. But, hopefully she's looking forward to seeing me.hi

Dirty 30s

2015-08-24T22:16:59Z

Well, hello hello hello to anyone who may possibly be reading this! It has been quite a long time, I know. If you are reading this, then A. I hope you remember me, and B. I'm sorry for being a terrible person and neglecting this journal, and in turn, you. I assumed everyone moved to Tumblr so I just kind of forgot about they haydays of Livejournal.

To say a lot has happened since you've last heard from me would be an exceptional understatement.

First and foremost and most importantly, I have an amazing nephew. He was born May 4th, 2011, and all those years I spent being suicidal have gradually faded away, as I thought maybe he's been the answer to my prayers (if you have a purpose for me, I beg of you; show it to me) all along. I cannot adequately put into words how much I love him and how much joy he has brought me. He ignites something inside me; Idk, like life. True, absolute happiness.

I turned THIRTY YEARS OLDthis year. How fucking disgusting is that?? Actually, I started out the year feeling fairly positive, and I thought 30 was going to be the year I finally got my shit together.

Wroooonnngggg.

I got into an argument in March with my grandmother, and she called the police on me and (lied) told them I pushed her. I was arrested and tased, and spent 40 days in jail. To say it was anything other than utterly traumatic would be a staggering understatement. I don't want to get too much into it right now, but if anyone wants the full story, I'll write a post on it later.

I'm now on a year of probation (pretrial intervention, so its not as serious as actual probation) and luckily for me I've been assigned a pretty laid back probation officer. He's sympathetic to my mental illnesses and has waived community service, job search and more than half of the fines I need to pay to complete the program.

Everyone in jail warned me about taking probation: "they're going to fuck you over", "any wrong move you make the state will be all over your ass". Well they weren't lying.

On the 6th of this month I was in a near-fatal car accident. It was a weird, freak accident thing. Somehow, I lost control of my car and slammed into an electrical pole and my car overturned. I was trapped inside, my right leg jammed somewhere. I was disoriented and ended up blacking out a lot of it. I can't remember this part but I did have to be cut out with the jaws of life. The next thing I can remember is "waking up" inside my hospital room, where I asked where I was.

I suffered a concussion, and major bone and muscle bruising in my right leg, as well as a fractured rib. I consider myself blessed for that. Everyone who saw the car, police and paramedics included, said I was fortunate to be alive. They said they didn't expect to find me alive inside the car. They also said had I not been wearing my seat belt I most certainly would have been killed.

But I did get a fucking ticket for reckless driving (so rude lol). The ticket states I don't need to appear in court, but several days later, I got a letter from the state's attorney saying I needed to go to court. So yeah, they're definitely harassing me. I spoke to my PO about it and he said it wasn't a criminal thing, just traffic court, where I guess they're going to make sure I'm going to pay my ticket. Just ridiculousness.

I had to have a small operation on my leg the other day. Its been swollen since the accident, and the night before I went back to the hospital, I squeezed at a huge lump that my friend ballroom said may be an abscess. Well, what came out was worse than I thought. Black blood with chunks of clotting squeezed out like it was a giant pimple. I squeezed it about 10 times before it became more difficult to release more.

I went to the hospital the next day to have it checked for infection. When the Physician's Assistant came in, he removed the bandage I had over the wound, and that same black blood just oozedout, pooling on the hospital bed. Eventually, after squeezing much moreout, he ended up giving me an incision at which point I could no longer look. I was feeling faint. The site of the incision didn't hurt; he'd numbed it. But as he was squeezing the old, dead blood out of me, he was pushing on the bruising that was up and down my shin. It was agonizing. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I began crying and even passed out for a moment. Once he was done, he stapled the incision and I was off to get an ultrasound to check for blood clots. None were found and I was discharged.

Overall, my dirty 30s have startedout, I suppose, as the saying goes. I've been done reallllll dirty. I'm looking forward to correcting the beginning half of this year and hoping for a more pleasant later half of the year.

Hope to hear from you guys. Ta ta for now 💖

underworld @ 2012-10-28T16:40:00

2012-10-28T20:40:55Z

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