musings, mumblings, and some mutterings

Marseille

2019-04-14T19:24:32Z

I was feeling the need for a new city between Lyon and Paris. Decent tickets and some scenes from an old old movie led me to Marseille.

Just as soon as I exited the train station this was the view. Phone snaps don’t do it justice!

Lyon

2019-04-11T14:21:48Z

Ah France. So easily you bring me to my senses.

Like one of those images you’ve seen everywhere except for in person.

Another fountain surrounded by beautiful buildings. The perfect spot to catch my breath and reset my attitude.

One off experience at a restaurant and I was ready to take a train back to Spain or Portugal or any non French border town. 😂 Truth is I’ve made little effort to truly learn French and this is France. On one hand I get the expectation that folks at least make an effort. Which o do, yet on the other a little tolerance for poor accent would go a long way. Yet overall it was about being laughed at, which is different than when someone laughs with you.

Tuesday in Porto

2019-04-09T11:13:30Z

An artist with an environmental bent is doing these in and around Portugal. I’ve seen his stuff here and in Lisbon. A small image doesn’t do the work justice. Rhonda Spain is one of those places I read about as a child via National Geographic and have loved for years tho I’d not been there till this year. Last two images are of the Alhambra in Spain. Really beautiful old place with amazing touches everywhere.

Portugal

2019-04-08T15:09:05Z

Porto! Street art. Obidos old tile with a bit of age showing. Gnarled trees moving into spring With the thick stone wall of old city Obidos showing in the back ground.

lemons

2019-03-19T12:17:08Z

A new love of mine. I had no idea treat fresh lemons tasted so different. I’ve taken to hot lemon water in the morning and these lemons are so fresh I found myself eating the pith. And looking forward to it daily.

2019-03-19T12:12:44Z

more more more more

An island I’d never heard of just became one of my favorite spots on the planet so far.

The following images are taken on Procida off the coast of Naples.

My travels continue tho a family illness is calling me home. Probably prior to my being absolutely ready, yet I have enough sense to be grateful for what I have and the times and travels I’ve enjoyed thus far.

They have allowed me to do some work on myself and clear some of my demons. The next bit will be putting some of said learnings into play on a practical scale. A day to day scale.

Push and Pull. Running towards or running from.

2019-02-16T19:25:53Z

Turns out soul searching is an ongoing scene.

A friend once told me years ago that it’s important to move towards your future rather than run from your past.

At the time I thought I understood that. Almost two decades later I’m re learning that it’s a moving target, a process, a conscious effort.

This time has been spent in a balance of some of both approach. A fair amount of both approaches.

There are and have been some bits of clarity and as long as I’m present it makes sense. However as soon as I decide to move that view out say a month or a year I have no idea where this all is leading me.

So I travel. I breathe in new adventures and o that self examination stuff, the bits of navel gazing, and I trust it will indeed work out.

Below are a couple of images of some of my recent destinations.

Ronda Spain. Amazing view after several hours of driving. Alhambra in Granada. Gran Canaria beach time.

Post cards from the road.

2019-01-28T15:37:00Z

A Monday in January finds me back in Denver for about a week. Then off to Spain.

The weekend has been spent with friends who are really chosen family.

Awkward continues to be my super power and I’m working with that. Rolling with it and allowing it all to unfold as it will.

The image below Is a still life from Saturday night. Dinner with loved ones involved 5 humans one four legged family member, four bottles of bubbles, and 4 bottles of red wine.

A lovely evening even if the day after was a little slow starting out.

Imaginary Dragons, or Shadow Boxing and the ego.

2018-12-28T21:31:16Z

Younger brother cousin, same father and out mothers are sisters.

The thing about being just smart enough to live in your head is that you isolate and insulate from feelings. Or at least that’s been my approach.

This past month I was offered a chance to look at my demons from a different angle.

Dennis Jr is kin. Blood family. My father married my mother and had two children. He then decided to pursue my mother’s sister. Somewhere in this process my mother tried to trap him, entice him, convince him to stay by becoming pregnant with me. That didn’t pan out and he proceeded with the divorce from her and within a short time marriage to her younger sister.

It’s a lot of back story to set the scene for a man with lots of shared genes yet very little common experiences, or so I thought.

Bitterness can cause enormous barriers. We grew up within 50 miles of each other yet lived without seeing much of each other.

Years passed and we connected while going to university in Las Vegas. For a few short months we interacted fairly regularly and had started to bridge some of the gap caused by two jilted sisters.

I moved from Vegas and the distance created an opportunity to drift. Which we did.

Years pass so quickly and it wasn’t until his year that I felt a desire to reconnect. I have avoided the valley I grew up in like the plague for a number of reasons.

Part of my journey is to understand myself and my choices better so I made the pilgrimage back home.

I connected with Den and we set up a meeting for lunch.

When I’m approaching a significantly emotionally charged event in my life I have a tendency to run or find an excuse to change plans last minute. I fought this and we met. Over the next couple of hours i had the chance to see this guy whom I’d envied and been quite convinced he’d gotten the better end of the deal, open up and share his life with me. His gut level, drivers seat perspective.

I like words. I enjoy expression in written form and yet neither really convey just how much this experience shook my foundation.

Decades of rage and sadness came to the surface and left me in moments. Waves of sadness, of mental and emotional pain moved through me in an expression of tears, body flush, and then laughter.

Den had seen my life from the outside and his view of my experience. His envy of the freedom I had were as far from reality as mine were of his.

When we fight with our demons in the dark we make no progress.

A couple of weeks have passed and I’m still filling the empty place left from years of sorrow and rage.

Ultimate Host and Imogen and Millie.

2018-12-08T07:18:31Z

Dom does his thing on a gorgeous relatively jet lag minor day.

Hit the ground running with Dom there waiting at the Sydney airport. The day was gorgeous, I’d managed to sleep on the plane, so a city walk with cameras was in order. Some detail Of the opera house. Orange structure outside a fantastic museum at Canberra. Dom hamming it up as the storm front rolled in. Funky symmetry that made me happy from a visual standpoint. Dom being the ultimate host, adventuring out on a catwalk overlooking some sexy canyon. Heights aren’t a thing either of us enjoy yet the VIEW! Imogene and Millie were the two koalas the Symbio Park were displaying for a little meet and greet. This is Millie and I. She wasn’t big into touch which I respect so I got to pose with her while she dined on fresh eucalyptus. Imogene wasn’t big on having her image taken yet was fine in the arms of the otterly handsome care giver while meet and greeters were able to pet/ touch her thick, coarse coat.

Full days passed quickly and due to me not making great notes it’s a bit of a jumble in my head. All the many many wonderful adventures are there yet shuffled a bit.

Dom and I enjoyed a spring/ early summer storm with rain coming down in sheets. He’s quite the travel companion.

Coastal beauty, stormy showers, kilometer after kilometer of rolling grass and sheep farms. Really stunning adventure for me. Bondi Beach art walk.

Five o clock in the morning.

2018-12-07T12:08:37Z

Random image of a window I saw this morning. Walking with the Beast in Phoenix AZ.

The days are full. She and I are having some time to ourselves. Moment by moment she’s change. One minute an old soul with wisdom in her eyes, the next a child full of wonder or insecurity. The two emotions jockey for position.

Now in the early hours something’s woken me and I think about the days past and those yet to come. The rain is falling gently outside. Making me grateful for shelter and the simple things.

Tomorrow we pack up the Tacoma and head north towards Nevada. We’ll take out time getting there.

2

2018-12-06T05:06:40Z

You know those authors that use time as a tool to keep you guessing?

That’s not my intent. Yet the random nature of my brain is such that this story will unfold as it will.

After realizing that I’d rather dig ditch for a living or go back to truck driving than serve another 15 years in corporate banking. I decided to be Proactive and to quit on my terms. Previously in my life I’d always been too practical to just give notice and quit without having a plan b and c in the wings.

This time tho I realized I didn’t have it in me to continue without sacrificing a core piece of myself that I may never get back. Once the decision was made and the ticket to Paris purchased I felt a calm that’s hard to put into words. I settled into the evening and every time I felt a little panic I looked at the feeling and decided that it was based on living my life for some one else. Someone else’s judgement that I’d be making a mistake. The ticket purchase was far enough out that it felt real yet not immediate. This alone gave me breathing room.

El had moved out of my house and even out of state at the end of the previous year which also gave me a sense of freedom to be a bit more random and make braver choices.

The Orange Clown in the White House had not strengthend my belief in the economy so I opted to put my condo up for sale. Knowing I don’t feel that Denver is my final nesting place made it an easy choice.

Had the condo sold with money in the bank by the time I flew out to Paris I may not have returned. It didn’t, so I did.

Back to the trenches for a couple of months to take it all on my terms at my pace. I managed to make the most of the next couple of months paychecks and planning. Then in September I gave my two weeks notice. Quite ironic that a text and phone call to my boss on his personal cell which is only used for urgent issues, yielded no response. Notice was given via email.

The next two weeks ended up passing very quickly with most of my world being wrapped up in no time.

Before I knew it my belongings were packed and I was being driven to the airport by a buddy.

Some 30 hours later between layovers and time changes I landed to find Dom standing there at arrivals waiting for me. Dom’s the kind of host who takes things to a different level. Having arranged for time off we spent the remainder of the day walking and seeing Sydney on a beautiful sunny day. Such great company, the perfect tour guide/host.

Santa Fe the shed.

2018-12-06T04:48:56Z

Sometimes it feels like nothing ever changes. Then in a flash it’s a decade later.

I’m a Contemplative navel gazing bastard at the best of times. At times like these even more so!

Yeeha! Back in LJ land.

2018-12-06T00:59:50Z

Holy Shite. What a rush the past three months have been.

San Diego was an amazing weekend. Good friends and an experience I’ll never forget.

Back to Denver after that then a quick, slightly hectic winding down of my affairs there.

Went back to the salt mine with a completely different frame of mind. My work attitude was completely different knowing I was on the way out on my terms.

I did my damndest to get the folks ready for a new manager without actually telling them until I’d given notice.

Over the past year or two work had gotten a bit unpredictable. Starting with an interesting review the previous November. After 15 years you get a plastic number 15 with your name engraved on it! No bonus. No raise. No extra week of vacation. Just some plastic and a little 20 page book talking about what an amazing company you work for. The look on my managers face as he watched me open it and start laughing was priceless. I went home that very night. Had a bottle of my best stashed red wine and bought a one way ticket for August.

I then put things in play to get debt free and put my condo on the market.

This story is just starting but I’m calling that part one.

8 weeks

2018-12-06T00:49:08Z

Ok, I think I’m back in.

I seem to have issues with this format for some reason.

I was able to get in a couple months ago then continued to get error loading messages for weeks and weeks.

I’ve deleted and reloaded so maybe it’s working now ?

I’ll use this as a test post to see.

Monday

2018-09-17T20:32:51Z

Getting a feel for this after so much time away. Thanks for the folks who said hello yesterday.

Visiting a friend in San Diego and struggling with this humidity. Wow.

Also planning a trip to Australia. This will be a first for me.

Flying into Sydney then New Zealand possibly? Pointers welcome.

A Sunday in September

2018-09-16T15:01:40Z

And just like that, 30 months have passed.

Where it goes I’m not sure.

Woke up in San Diego this morning in my buddies house.

So many changes over the past months. Not even sure where to start.

Im still in Denver. Still at the same company some 15 years later.

El has moved on and no longer lives with me. We continue to be close and that is a great source of love and meaning in my life. I learned that empty nest is a very real thing.

Overall I’m well and still seeking meaning in the day to day.

Who all is still on here?

Cheers
Connor

21 a celebration

2016-04-09T23:21:31Z

Meanwhile back at the ranch.

El's birthday was an event. I held a very small cocktail party for her, here at my place. 7 total, then from here directly to the Cabaret Le Sensual. A 2.5 hour burlesque show held at the Oriental Theater. Something different and memorable to celebrate her passage from young lady to lady.

The evening was fun and I enjoyed seeing her enjoy herself. It had an odd bittersweet tang to it tho. I feel her moving on and tho that's a parents job and it's certainly been a labor of love, it's got me all kinds of emotional.

Last year we had some seriously tough times and I learned how to be compassionate to myself so that I could be compassionate with her, even when her behavior was pretty awful. Through those experiences I see her through a different lens.

I've also found some work balance, which I learned the hard way last year, by losing all balance and allowing work to consume me.

These days I find it easier to be appreciative of the good, the bad, and even to have appreciation for the ugly.

Life is nothing if not a wild wild ride.

El is finishing her AA next semester then will move on to take attend University at Metro, still here in Denver, same campus even. One of her classes this semester has been Women's Studies. For which she attended a showing of the Vagina Monologues. Her class did a skit prior to the Monologues and it was kind of a trip to see her on stage in front of over 100 people. It flashed me back to when she was in a play as a child on stage for a spring festival. Then she was a shy little thing, now she's coming into her own and has learned to love herself. I teared up watching her have fun with some spotlight as I sat with all the emotion of this long strange journey we've been on.

Cheers to one and all.

holy shite batman.

2016-04-01T01:36:42Z

Well hell. It seems much has changed here in LJ land and I no longer know how to download and post an image.

We'll see if I figure it out soon enough.

Week is winding down and so am I. I'm house sitting for friends this weekend while my condo's bathrooms get a little upgrade.

Ciao for now.

ubermunkey @ 2014-07-28T22:10:00

2014-07-29T04:10:36Z

The beast and the bear. A study in plaid.

One step at a time.

2014-07-03T18:22:24Z

Just because I look like a mean rough fuck doesn't mean I am one.

A week off work. A week in the car. A weak of the bear and the beast. ( elli and I ).

Time with family in Arizona and family in Nevada.

A short visit with my bio father, lunch and the fist visual of him in three or more years. I got to see the titanium leg in person. Some odd offbeat pauses, as I wrestled with my need for boundaries and self respect and honoring who he is / has been to me in life.

To hug or not to hug.

Prior to seeing him get out of his truck I had decided no hug. When he stepped out of the truck and reached out as if he were going to fall over my body reacted and the choice was made. I stepped into a hug and helped him steady himself then reach his cane.

It's 6 days later and I'm still processing how I feel about the meeting.

I get that the meeting was about me as much or more than it was about him.

Time in az with my ex Mike and his parents. Mike's a great guy and great with el and I. It was interesting to see those two connect after years and years. He flew up for her graduation last year, prior to that he hadn't seen her since she was five.

Time passed quickly and we had great conversations great food and great drinks.
We got berated by his father for feeding his mother too many margaritas.

His mother. Wow! This woman is one of my favorite humans ever. Even if we weren't drinking partners we'd be best friends. She's got an approach to life that keeps me guessing and entertained. I can't take myself too seriously when I'm around her. Which in itself is a gift.

There was a bio mother sighting. Just a quick dry hello as I dropped elli off for an evening. The perma smile was present. That smile looks innocent unless you've knowledge of it's owner. Bitter. Petty. Unkind. Prejudice. Hateful. Spiteful. Mean spirited. And candy coated.

It's taken me years to understand why my gut always gets tied up near her. It's also taken me many hours of therapy to honor the fact that's she's the mother of this meat puppet, an I'm guessing it'll take me a few more years to move on from the effects.

Little brudda and his wife rounded up the tour. Great company. Great margaritas. And some great laughs were the perfect way to leave Nevada.

It's a week I'll never forget.

Cheers

2014-06-06T03:55:46Z

Things change and they stay the same.
My need to express lessons and my need to BE keeps expanding.

These two mostly get me and that's a pretty good thing.

Namaste.

Selfie ish

2014-05-05T16:39:34Z

Bear entering elevator.

MadMonkeys wild ride continues.

El is pretty good.

I'm pretty good.

We are continually refining things, interactions with each other are more consistent.
More loving.
More what I desire in my life.

I understand her better and how I can more often deliver what she needs to start the self parenting growing up that she needs to do.

Getting back to lurking here on the LJ more often.

I hope all is well in your worlds.

ubermunkey @ 2014-04-27T22:23:00

2014-04-28T04:23:17Z

Faux hawk in the resting position.
El's been with me now for almost 14 months.
We are presently doing fairly well. It's been a bit bumpy getting here tho.

Parenting her has forced me or offered me the opportunity to reparent myself.

I've learned a bit about love and focus and fear.

Sometimes she mirrors my stuff so effectively it's hard not to cringe.

Overall life continues and we learn as we go.

Happy Sunday.

ubermunkey @ 2014-04-27T08:24:00

2014-04-27T14:24:54Z