waker

showering becomes an activity, a way to disguise
that i'm not actually doing anything. hours stretch
before me and i calculate how to squeeze half an
hour out of the day if i take my time. pre-shower,
the shower itself, post-shower: they give me purpose,
make me feel as though i have accomplished something.
the same with meals. eating is less about hunger (well,
when has it really been about hunger?) and more
about a way of breaking up the day, of appearing
active. see me do something, see me prepare food,
see me eat food, see me clean up my food messes.

it is most difficult when reading, or even watching
television, become too much effort. when i sit,
twitching, because i just can't concentrate on
being entertained. then it is just hard to care that
laying in bed all day might be cause for concern.

i realise these things in an academic way. the same
way that i realise my recent omnivorous reading habit
(more books read in the last three days than i have
managed in a month) has nothing to do with my love
of reading. no, that's been subsumed somewhere,
somehow. i cannot honestly say that i am enjoying
these books. i hope for a time when i can find them
again and read them the way they deserve to be
read. right now, though, they are like showering, like
eating. they are just excuses. they are just signs i
can hold up to say, yes, i'm okay. i can behave normally, too.