you know, i need

last night i wrote, spilled, said things.
and i erased it all.

last night i wanted, needed, to call h. and god i was so afraid. i thought, one phone call and already i'm looking externally for reliance. it's all learned behaviour, state dependant learning girl, that's me. slip up once and suddenly you have no internal resources and you are devoured by the need for other people.

i just can't open myself up like that again.

i am so off balance. literally, emotionally, figuratively. i grasp and then blink, it's gone. concrete things are sliding like so much honey down the clear plexiglass that has become me.

but then again, tonight i stood on the balcony, singing along to bette midler and the divine miss m and the wind blew me, blew through me, and i hung over the railing and stared at the ground below and whispered to the ants crawling over my toes and i felt alive.

whirling and distance. the proximity to a mirror only far away.