charming

i'm trying to think clearly here.
to establish whether this is just the normal upswing.
or my new chemicals are inhibiting the uptake of my serotonin.
like good little chemicals should.

and underlying it all there is the fear that i will react to this the way i reacted to the prozac, only this time there will be no one to wake up when i try to push myself through glass in the morning, or catch me.

today i was jittery, the way i imagine it would feel to be buzzed on caffeine. if my body reacted normally to caffeine, that is.

if i reacted normally to anything.

i was going to make a list (i'm a little listmaker, got to remember, got to keep it somewhere so it's not ever really lost) but i've decided to put that off until i get the book and read it. that way my random lists won't be so random, they will, in fact, stem from something i was directed to.

it's funny the way all sorts of things jump out at me now, little pointers that add up correctly and make sense now that i've peeked in the back of the book and know the answer.

(but you know youknow i'm really scared of losing it all)