lighter

i feel less weighted right now. i can't say today, but i can say now, and i think that's something worthy of note. last night i wrote something, finally, for gravity. it's a conglomeration of many things, not the least of which was several hours of fast car on repeat. it's not structured or inventive or even comprehensible. and yet, at the same time, it is one of those rare (for me, now) moments when i managed to capture exactly what i wanted to say. i can see the echoes and the shadows and i know what they mean.

those poems i sent to stirring were rejected some time ago. i'm not even sure why i sent them, except it feels like something i'm supposed to want to do. it's a superimposed ambition on an ambitionless frame.

i lay this morning thinking of all the things i still need to say to dr friend. h is right, he can't treat me until he has the whole picture, and if he won't look for it then i'll have to show it to him. that thought stupefies me. it makes me wonder if he has an isp and can just read my journal. any method that doesn't require speech, or my presence, or me trying to articulate with weird hand motions and my hands in my mouth.

there are so many things i am afraid of facing. but right now i don't feel any of that fear. i don't even feel its aftertaste.

part of that fear is that i will forget my own darkness, or that...somehow...i will dissolve into some new form without it. this holds a lot of shame. guilt. self-loathing.

but

i have laughed a lot today. i can uncategorically say that now is good.