or live and die this way

definition as a state of absence. definition, to me, is removal; removal of what isn't, leaving only what is. in a purely half empty/half full example, i must be a pessimist, because the glass is always half empty. i define things in terms of what they lack, what they're not, how far i still have to go. so the minute i take a sip, i am measuring, i am calculating, how much i have left, how much further i have to go; how much i can hoarde and how much i have to give up, let go.

earlier, i told h.

and, well, mostly i'm just scared. over and over in my head i keep thinking, if he takes this away from me what will i have then? what will i be?

then again, i already feel like a husk. maybe it can't get worse.

i don't know. i don't know. that's my mantra. because i just don't. i just want to curl into a ball and let the world wash away. or maybe just let me wash away.

gurgle.