every bone, every ligament, every blood cell feels wrong. every thought is doubtful, doubt full, doubted. there are tears in every other heartbeat. i want to donate this life to someone in need, intravenous like blood. i could save someone. this is a good life i have, with good family and friends, and material things to make it easier. someone would be lucky to have it. just not me. not me because i can't make it work right. everything breaks because i hold on too tightly, because it cuts me. how did i think i could ever be safe? even in all this beauty i am not. in all this bright light, i am still the shadow.

and i want to destroy myself.