Friends
Having made a conscious choice in the last year to walk away from a huge part of my life, the issue of friendship has been on my mind.
What is a friend?
What do I expect from a friend?
What do I owe my friends?
Given the joys of the past year, with a divorce, a move across the country, my parents both having life threatening health problems, and my troubles finding a job - I've wished for the support of a few good friends more often in the last 12 months than at any time in the past 12 years.
Funny how everything sorts itself out. When I had to spend almost 2 months back in Illinois (and I fly back on the 24th for a few more fun-filled weeks of taking care of Mom and Dad) I found out that of the many people I thought of as friends, exactly 2 were willing to make any kind of contact and only one could find the time to meet up with me. The one who made that extra bit of effort wasn't who I expected....it was one of the old storytelling team from Chi Requiem. Bonded in the trenches of adversity trumps every other kind of friendship, I guess.
Mostly a negative experience, with that one positive mark of finding out that an old gaming buddy deserved the friend title.
So I have been asking myself...am I expecting too much from my friends? Hey, there are two explanations for my disappointment, one being that they let me down, the other that I'm expecting too much.
What do I expect? Honesty, first and foremost. I'd rather hear, wow, wish I could meet up with you but the kids are sick, my job is hell, and I just don't have the time right now than hear nothing. Guess that means that even before honesty, I expect to hear something from my friends. The courtesy of a response is not just requested, but expected. I expect that when I ask a question they will answer...whether I like the answer or not is less important than knowing where they stand. I appreciate that they took a stand, made a statement, showed me that little bit extra about who they are.
I expect that my friends will provide a safe place for me to express myself. A place where I can be cranky, or sad, or joyful and that's ok. A place where my feelings are respected, even if not understood. A place where I don't have to watch my mouth, or my back - because these few rare people will laugh with me, hold me if I'm hurting, and forgive me if I say something rude or insensitive. It's great if they tell me I was being a bitch, so I know I crossed the line and should apologize for hurting them. Then it gets to be my turn to offer a hug and an apology and make my friend feel better.
What do I owe my friends? Honesty, with them and with myself. When they need me to have their back, no matter what shit I am facing I should put that aside for a while and help them out. Yeah my Dad has cancer, that doesn't mean I won't come help you move. Yeah, I'm lonely and could really use a friend to talk to, but I'd be glad to listen to what is on your mind. I may need a hug, but it would make me feel better too if I could give you one when you're having a shitty day.
I owe them some of my time - my budget isn't going to allow for going out and hitting the clubs, but I can spring for 2 coffees at Starbucks or a 6-pack on the couch. I can't go out to a first run movie but I can laugh at some stupid reality show on MTV or compare your boss to that evil black smoke guy on Lost. A steak dinner is out of the question but I'd rather eat 99 cent burritos at Taco Bell with good company than a 5 course meal alone. It may be difficult but I will find the time - I will work around their schedule. I get if you have to cancel on short notice, as long as you know that sometimes I may do the same.
No one should be my friend without being treated with respect. My friends should always feel that even if I disagree with them, I respect where they stand. I may try to convince them to change their mind, but if they don't I will still be proud to call them friends. When they do something that hurts me, I will let them know. And I still want to be their friend, as long as they care that they hurt me and would like to make it better. The reverse is true as well - I do hurt my friends sometimes but I feel bad about it and I will try to make them feel better. Forgiving someone who takes a hurtful action without meaning it to be hurtful is part of having respect for who they are.
Somewhere there is a line, though, a point at which you look at a friend and can no longer be certain that they are the kind of person you want in your life. When you start feeling like they are deliberately cruel. If you have to wonder where they stand because they won't tell you what is going on in their head. Once you notice a disconnect between their words and their actions. Perhaps you see that they no longer care about how their actions make you feel. Worse, that they no longer notice how you feel at all.
I'm certainly guilty of being a bad friend on occasion. There have been times in my life when I didn't have the energy to have anyone's back, so I wasn't there for someone who needed me. I work pretty hard at avoiding being cruel, so I don't think I can put that black mark on my soul. I've done things, or not done things, that I felt guilty about later. When I feel guilt over an action (or inaction) that's a pretty good sign that I did something wrong. I've always been just about immune to the "guilt trip" - nobody can make me feel guilty, so when I do feel guilt I know I screwed up. There is someone out there I owe an apology and I better start trying to make up for my own shortcomings in that relationship.
Had it happen to me last night. Lost my temper while a guest at a friend's house. Said friend was expecting that I might...I had warned her that I was not in the best frame of mind and was feeling hurt already. She encouraged me to stay anyway, and unfortunately I was unable to swallow the hurt when someone else scraped an already raw nerve. I caused a scene that included raised voices in her home. I left immediately thereafter, and before I even got home I called her (and her son) to apologize for my conduct in their home. I felt guilty before I even got completely out of the driveway. My bad = my apology. It sucks a little because as much as I would like to share the company of the one person in Las Vegas who wants me around, I won't go out there again unless I am confident that I can do so without disturbing the harmony of their home.
I shouldn't be feeling as much pain over the loss of old friends as I am currently. After all, they were lost long ago, I'm just taking inventory now so the loss is old, only my awareness of the loss is new. Some losses probably aren't a tragedy, as I have begun to see that some of them were never the kind of people I should have wanted in my life. I wish that changed how much it hurts to have judged them so poorly in the first place.
What is a friend?
What do I expect from a friend?
What do I owe my friends?
Given the joys of the past year, with a divorce, a move across the country, my parents both having life threatening health problems, and my troubles finding a job - I've wished for the support of a few good friends more often in the last 12 months than at any time in the past 12 years.
Funny how everything sorts itself out. When I had to spend almost 2 months back in Illinois (and I fly back on the 24th for a few more fun-filled weeks of taking care of Mom and Dad) I found out that of the many people I thought of as friends, exactly 2 were willing to make any kind of contact and only one could find the time to meet up with me. The one who made that extra bit of effort wasn't who I expected....it was one of the old storytelling team from Chi Requiem. Bonded in the trenches of adversity trumps every other kind of friendship, I guess.
Mostly a negative experience, with that one positive mark of finding out that an old gaming buddy deserved the friend title.
So I have been asking myself...am I expecting too much from my friends? Hey, there are two explanations for my disappointment, one being that they let me down, the other that I'm expecting too much.
What do I expect? Honesty, first and foremost. I'd rather hear, wow, wish I could meet up with you but the kids are sick, my job is hell, and I just don't have the time right now than hear nothing. Guess that means that even before honesty, I expect to hear something from my friends. The courtesy of a response is not just requested, but expected. I expect that when I ask a question they will answer...whether I like the answer or not is less important than knowing where they stand. I appreciate that they took a stand, made a statement, showed me that little bit extra about who they are.
I expect that my friends will provide a safe place for me to express myself. A place where I can be cranky, or sad, or joyful and that's ok. A place where my feelings are respected, even if not understood. A place where I don't have to watch my mouth, or my back - because these few rare people will laugh with me, hold me if I'm hurting, and forgive me if I say something rude or insensitive. It's great if they tell me I was being a bitch, so I know I crossed the line and should apologize for hurting them. Then it gets to be my turn to offer a hug and an apology and make my friend feel better.
What do I owe my friends? Honesty, with them and with myself. When they need me to have their back, no matter what shit I am facing I should put that aside for a while and help them out. Yeah my Dad has cancer, that doesn't mean I won't come help you move. Yeah, I'm lonely and could really use a friend to talk to, but I'd be glad to listen to what is on your mind. I may need a hug, but it would make me feel better too if I could give you one when you're having a shitty day.
I owe them some of my time - my budget isn't going to allow for going out and hitting the clubs, but I can spring for 2 coffees at Starbucks or a 6-pack on the couch. I can't go out to a first run movie but I can laugh at some stupid reality show on MTV or compare your boss to that evil black smoke guy on Lost. A steak dinner is out of the question but I'd rather eat 99 cent burritos at Taco Bell with good company than a 5 course meal alone. It may be difficult but I will find the time - I will work around their schedule. I get if you have to cancel on short notice, as long as you know that sometimes I may do the same.
No one should be my friend without being treated with respect. My friends should always feel that even if I disagree with them, I respect where they stand. I may try to convince them to change their mind, but if they don't I will still be proud to call them friends. When they do something that hurts me, I will let them know. And I still want to be their friend, as long as they care that they hurt me and would like to make it better. The reverse is true as well - I do hurt my friends sometimes but I feel bad about it and I will try to make them feel better. Forgiving someone who takes a hurtful action without meaning it to be hurtful is part of having respect for who they are.
Somewhere there is a line, though, a point at which you look at a friend and can no longer be certain that they are the kind of person you want in your life. When you start feeling like they are deliberately cruel. If you have to wonder where they stand because they won't tell you what is going on in their head. Once you notice a disconnect between their words and their actions. Perhaps you see that they no longer care about how their actions make you feel. Worse, that they no longer notice how you feel at all.
I'm certainly guilty of being a bad friend on occasion. There have been times in my life when I didn't have the energy to have anyone's back, so I wasn't there for someone who needed me. I work pretty hard at avoiding being cruel, so I don't think I can put that black mark on my soul. I've done things, or not done things, that I felt guilty about later. When I feel guilt over an action (or inaction) that's a pretty good sign that I did something wrong. I've always been just about immune to the "guilt trip" - nobody can make me feel guilty, so when I do feel guilt I know I screwed up. There is someone out there I owe an apology and I better start trying to make up for my own shortcomings in that relationship.
Had it happen to me last night. Lost my temper while a guest at a friend's house. Said friend was expecting that I might...I had warned her that I was not in the best frame of mind and was feeling hurt already. She encouraged me to stay anyway, and unfortunately I was unable to swallow the hurt when someone else scraped an already raw nerve. I caused a scene that included raised voices in her home. I left immediately thereafter, and before I even got home I called her (and her son) to apologize for my conduct in their home. I felt guilty before I even got completely out of the driveway. My bad = my apology. It sucks a little because as much as I would like to share the company of the one person in Las Vegas who wants me around, I won't go out there again unless I am confident that I can do so without disturbing the harmony of their home.
I shouldn't be feeling as much pain over the loss of old friends as I am currently. After all, they were lost long ago, I'm just taking inventory now so the loss is old, only my awareness of the loss is new. Some losses probably aren't a tragedy, as I have begun to see that some of them were never the kind of people I should have wanted in my life. I wish that changed how much it hurts to have judged them so poorly in the first place.