What I Can't Touch
Title: What I Can't Touch
Rating: PG
Pairing: Allelujah/Lockon
Warnings: Angst
When Neil walks near Allelujah Haptism he gets the buddy vibe. He wants to be his friend, come near him, touch him- he wants to be able to cheer him up. But unlike with Setsuna and Tieria and even the rest of the crew, Neil can’t touch Allelujah. He’s seen him worry and fret and there’s little he can ever do to assuage that. He sees him fall out of line slightly and all he can do is ask him to fall back into line. It’s Tieria who abrasively tells him to behave, and it’s Sumeragi who knows something about him. Neil Dylandy does not know Allelujah Haptism.
But he still walks beside him with the idea. It’s captivating, if anything. People fall into his hands like putty and he takes them into himself and he is happy- he is able to cheer people up and help them get motivated. He is able to make a difference in their hearts…and doesn’t that matter? He’s able to ease the suffering of Feldt when she feels lonely; he’s able to wipe that grumpy smirk off of Tieria’s face, and he’s even able to make Setsuna open up just a little.
But Allelujah is an enigma.
Beneath Allelujah’s core there is a man Neil Dylandy doesn’t know- one that’s stricken with grief and hatred and wants and desires that he’d squashed under toe. There is a first love he assumes to be dead and another personality that torments him, and more than anything there is suffering. Neil Dylandy looks at Allelujah as Neil Dylandy, as Lockon Stratos, and as a man and he can only capture the insignificant details in his face. His darkest secrets are known by the other meisters and Allelujah’s darker secrets are known to two other people- but Neil Dylandy doesn’t know.
There is an unquenchable thirst Neil feels when he sees Allelujah. His thirst is one that is not quite the same as his desire to understand anyone else, simply because it is something he knows he can never grasp. He envies the person who might be able to get under his skin, break him apart and dissect him until they can hold his hand and tell them that he is a good person. Neil Dylandy can only look at Allelujah Haptism and wish that he could touch him, outstretch his hand as a friend…
Neil wonders if he wants to see the same spark in Allelujah’s eyes as he does in Tieria’s, in Feldt’s. He wonders if he wants to make a difference in Allelujah’s heart.
But Allelujah Haptism is a man beyond his comprehension. In his mind he will always be reaching for that single motion, that single movement that will pull Allelujah into him and make him another person he has changed, but someone with more meaning. He wants to be the best friend- but Neil wonders if somewhere there is something inside Allelujah he’d want more of.
But even Allelujah realizes it’s just a passing feeling as they glide by each other in the hallways of the Ptolemy, it’s just a desire to look deeper into someone who will always be untouchable. Allelujah greets him with a smile and waves and Neil simply flies by with a cheerful greeting. The desire passes once they are no longer in eye shot and Neil laughs as he realizes Allelujah doesn’t even know the name Neil Dylandy. He doesn’t even know if Allelujah’s name is an alias- it probably is.
“That Allelujah,” he laughed to himself, “He sure is an enigma. But he can take care of himself.” That’s right, beneath it all- Allelujah got up in the morning without his help. How did you help a man, change a man, who wouldn’t cry or bleed to anyone but himself.
When Lockon dies, Allelujah mourns Lockon Stratos. Tieria mourns the entire man and Feldt weeps for him- and Setsuna shrieks with despair. Allelujah stays still in time and the intangible feeling passes through his gut for the final time-
And Allelujah silently mourns that he can never understand the man who so casually passed him by for the last time.
Rating: PG
Pairing: Allelujah/Lockon
Warnings: Angst
When Neil walks near Allelujah Haptism he gets the buddy vibe. He wants to be his friend, come near him, touch him- he wants to be able to cheer him up. But unlike with Setsuna and Tieria and even the rest of the crew, Neil can’t touch Allelujah. He’s seen him worry and fret and there’s little he can ever do to assuage that. He sees him fall out of line slightly and all he can do is ask him to fall back into line. It’s Tieria who abrasively tells him to behave, and it’s Sumeragi who knows something about him. Neil Dylandy does not know Allelujah Haptism.
But he still walks beside him with the idea. It’s captivating, if anything. People fall into his hands like putty and he takes them into himself and he is happy- he is able to cheer people up and help them get motivated. He is able to make a difference in their hearts…and doesn’t that matter? He’s able to ease the suffering of Feldt when she feels lonely; he’s able to wipe that grumpy smirk off of Tieria’s face, and he’s even able to make Setsuna open up just a little.
But Allelujah is an enigma.
Beneath Allelujah’s core there is a man Neil Dylandy doesn’t know- one that’s stricken with grief and hatred and wants and desires that he’d squashed under toe. There is a first love he assumes to be dead and another personality that torments him, and more than anything there is suffering. Neil Dylandy looks at Allelujah as Neil Dylandy, as Lockon Stratos, and as a man and he can only capture the insignificant details in his face. His darkest secrets are known by the other meisters and Allelujah’s darker secrets are known to two other people- but Neil Dylandy doesn’t know.
There is an unquenchable thirst Neil feels when he sees Allelujah. His thirst is one that is not quite the same as his desire to understand anyone else, simply because it is something he knows he can never grasp. He envies the person who might be able to get under his skin, break him apart and dissect him until they can hold his hand and tell them that he is a good person. Neil Dylandy can only look at Allelujah Haptism and wish that he could touch him, outstretch his hand as a friend…
Neil wonders if he wants to see the same spark in Allelujah’s eyes as he does in Tieria’s, in Feldt’s. He wonders if he wants to make a difference in Allelujah’s heart.
But Allelujah Haptism is a man beyond his comprehension. In his mind he will always be reaching for that single motion, that single movement that will pull Allelujah into him and make him another person he has changed, but someone with more meaning. He wants to be the best friend- but Neil wonders if somewhere there is something inside Allelujah he’d want more of.
But even Allelujah realizes it’s just a passing feeling as they glide by each other in the hallways of the Ptolemy, it’s just a desire to look deeper into someone who will always be untouchable. Allelujah greets him with a smile and waves and Neil simply flies by with a cheerful greeting. The desire passes once they are no longer in eye shot and Neil laughs as he realizes Allelujah doesn’t even know the name Neil Dylandy. He doesn’t even know if Allelujah’s name is an alias- it probably is.
“That Allelujah,” he laughed to himself, “He sure is an enigma. But he can take care of himself.” That’s right, beneath it all- Allelujah got up in the morning without his help. How did you help a man, change a man, who wouldn’t cry or bleed to anyone but himself.
When Lockon dies, Allelujah mourns Lockon Stratos. Tieria mourns the entire man and Feldt weeps for him- and Setsuna shrieks with despair. Allelujah stays still in time and the intangible feeling passes through his gut for the final time-
And Allelujah silently mourns that he can never understand the man who so casually passed him by for the last time.