thisisme199

Ok, I am going to attempt to explain the magnitude of the "baby step" that I took today without boring you with the entire story of my life. Basically I had finally agreed to talk to a therapist before I left school... went to about three sessions and then it was time to move home for the summer. At that point things were starting to look a little brighter and I hoped that I could pull through the summer without the agony of finding help. No such luck. For the past month I have been sinking further and further back into the blackness that was my life, when I realized that I was actually worse than I had ever been I FINALLY reached out for help. I emailed a friend who had been helping me over the course of the school year. Technically she is my "boss" and potentially a professor but she was the one I first approached about getting help last semester and we ended up meeting weekly. So it just seemed natural to seek her advice in this situation (not that I wasn't freaking out about it). She told me that I really need to find help at home and offered to talk to some friends in the area about a potential referral. We also decided to continue our weekly meetings over the phone. In an effort to avoid actually scheduling this appointment I came up with random tasks that I have been putting off forever but somehow seemed necessary. I cleaned up my computer files, organized my itunes, set up the physical therapy I desperately need for my back. Unfortunately she knows me too well and made me promise to text her with my appointment details as soon as I called. I ended up on the phone with my insurance company for almost an hour and by the time I was done it was too late to call any of the therapists. (ok I MIGHT have procrastinated just a little). Finally tonight I bit the bullet and sent an email requesting an appointment. While it was a little easier than a phone call I hate waiting for a response... too bad I already cleaned everything in sight.

I never realized how hard filling out a simple form could be. I got the "name" part down ok. And then I get stuck. The next question is current address. Don't get me wrong, I am far from homeless but I still have NO CLUE how to answer this question. During the school year I have an apartment with a few friend, but since its university managed housing I have to go home every summer. "Home" is Charlottesville... I can get that far. Then I get stuck. I stay at my parents sometimes, mostly when they are gone. As my parents biggest disappointment home isn't always were my heart is. I also stay with one of my friends a lot. We work together and she has her own house with plenty of room... but she also has a her own life and I always feel like I'm in the way. I stay a few other places on occasion but in the end I just put down my work address. That's were I spend most of my time anyway.. now on to question number three.

I have been having trouble getting up the last few days. Besides the fact that its cold and rainy I have absolutely no motivation to get out of bed. Yesterday afternoon my friend Ty texted me for the first time in months and wanted to hang out. Against my better judgment I went. I first met Tyler 2 summers ago. It was right after I lost my best friend in a car accident. I was pretty screwed up, I couldn't eat or sleep and had pretty much pushed everyone in my life away. He was fighting his own demons and after a particularly nasty fight with his girlfriend he took his anger out on a wall- and ended up with a broken hand. Somehow I ended up driving him to get x-rays and for some reason we just clicked. We spent the rest of the summer hanging out every chance we got. He still had a girlfriend and I was still in crisis mode and needed my space but slowly he worked his way into my life. I spent afternoons curled up on the couch watching movies with him and we spent nights just driving around and talking. In the fall I went off to college and we stayed close. When I came home for winter break he told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend. It just seemed natural that we would get together, and we did. The next two months were amazing. I saw him almost every weekend and we talked constantly. The weekend of valentines day he broke my heart and become the first boy to ever make me cry. I have since forgiven him and we exist in a weird semi-friendship but I know it will never be the same. Despite the fact that he broke my heart and I have moved on being around him makes me wish things had turned out different. So seeing him yesterday was probably not one of my brighter moments, but it did get me out of bed. We just went to target and got icecream, but when I left I was reminded how much I had missed him and all I wanted was to curl up on his couch and watch movies all night in his arms.

I lie. a lot. Not big scary earth shattering lies, but every single time someone asks me how I am or how school is going I just smile and say "fine". Even when people call me out on it I manage to shrug it off as a bad day or rough patch. I never tell anyone how bad it is. I'm not suicidal or anything but most of the time I wish I could just disappear for awhile.

So you'll have to forgive me, I am new to this whole blogging thing.As reluctant as I am to spill my guts to strangers I am far more terrified to fill my friends and family in on what has been going on in my head for the past couple months. I guess I should start with the basics... I am a junior in college, completely addicted to diet mountain dew and I don't go anywhere without my blackberry. I am the youngest, oldest and an only child (my family is a little complicated) and all of my younger siblings were adopted from china. I don't really have a lot of free time, my major is one of those crazy ones that take up your entire life and dictate what clubs you are in, what you do for fun and pretty much everything else. The first day of every semester we receive a calendar that basically spells out where we will be every minute including weekends and breaks. Somehow I love it anyway. That's pretty much the highlights... feel free to ask me about anything else or offer up any blogging advice.