The Blood of Kings

I'm learning a lot about myself, and none of it is good.

thefirestarter — Mon, 04 Jan 2016 17:42:20 GMT

My mood is very easily influenced, especially by key people.

I fixate on things.

I am terribly, deeply insecure.

I am the worst kind of perfectionist. The lazy one. My laziness stems from a lack of confidence in myself so fundamental that I set myself up for failure to give myself something else to blame my failure on (procrastination, something circumstantial).

I have a disgusting fear of being irrelevant, of not being sought after. It makes me feel worthless. I'm embittered. I think I'm really special and have a lot to offer people, but nobody cares, so therefore I'm worthless. Who wants someone who makes no effort and is mediocre anyway?

And it's not like I'm fishing for compliments. Any compliments I do get look like lies to me.

I love myself a lot sometimes, I think I'm pretty cool, but I don't think anyone loves me to the extent that I can love someone, and I feel like I deserve it sometimes. And it's not fair.

Putting it all out like this makes me sound so stupid. I am stupid. I should just focus on how good it feels to do things for other people. That's a very nice feeling, even if it isn't reciprocated. Just bring happiness to others.

I just can't get over how empty and alone I feel though.

I said to the man I love the other day, "I am not going to reach out to someone who is OK watching me drown."

He said "I am not reaching out to someone who purposefully drowns themselves."

I don't want to drown. I told him.

"You sure try hard to."

Is that true? I feel like this because your inaction makes me feel unwanted. You insinuate that I could fix this for myself, that I'm digging my own hole. So I have the means to make you make me feel wanted again? How? How can I control your actions? That doesn't make any sense. What am I missing?

Am madsad.

thefirestarter — Thu, 19 Nov 2015 06:03:10 GMT

I can't sleep because of this nausea I feel at the top of my stomach. I feel a hole in my chest where my heart is supposed to be and a lump in my throat. I feel like my insides are rotting.

You don't have time for me. You haven't thought to look for me. You don't miss me. And I cant make you. The realization hurts, it carves me hollow. Your life is full of things and you enjoy them one at a time, fill your minutes with them. Im trying to do the same, but its all an act. The world is darker, less vivid, when someone you love doesn't even think about you.

Oh, unless you can do them a favour. Then it's "thank you so much." I want to rip how much you mean to me out of my brain, I want to drain my blood of you, but the last living pocket of my heart still believes that you love me, that I'm overreacting, that this is normal. I'm not even being used. Ive been discarded and i wont admit it.

Whats even the point of admitting it? Then I'll really be alone, without any chance of getting what I want. I'll just wait here, and if you finally come for me, I will drink you like water in a desert, and never tell you how your silence hurt me.

You must know, after all these aeguments. You have to know how this ruins me, right? I just want you to understand and be sorry, to hate to see me sad, to want to make it right, but you won't. If you saw this, you would blame me for it. You would get defensive, you would say that I inhibit you with my foul mood.

Youre right, it is my fault. I let myself fall in love with you and thought my heart was safe with you. I'm rotting here waiting for you to love me, but nobody wants to love something rotten.

Hello.

thefirestarter — Thu, 10 Sep 2015 16:59:49 GMT

It's been so long. I want someone to talk to, just to talk. Maybe to talk and reassure me that I'm not crazy, that I'm not actually asking for too much from others. I want so desperately for people to find this "by accident" and know how I really feel, but I'm afraid of the consequences. Even if I straight up told him that I felt underappreciated, even if I revealed to him just how much his attention matters to me, it still wouldn't be enough. I've told him pretty much this before, and it hasn't changed anything, and if I were to tell him again, it still wouldn't measure up. I want him to discover it, I want it to dawn on him that I am the best he's ever had and ever will have, I want him to run to me in appreciation of it. That's unrealistic.

I make the mistake of thinking I know the best course of action and being dissappointed when it doesn't work out my way. Just because he doesn't do things the way I want him to doesnt mean he doesn't love me, right? So what happens when he loves me in a way that is unsatisfactory to me? Should I just learn to be satisfied with less? Do I want too much?

I really do remember a time when he did the things I wanted and said the things I wanted, or else I wouldn't have let him in. Is it wrong for me to expect him to still do this?

Prioritize me. Seek to appease me. Share your life with me. Ask to share my life with you. That's what I want. I want you to want me, want you to integrate me with your life.

I guess I don't intoxicate you anymore, my very being doesn't inspire and ignite you like it used to. I suppose I am to blame for that. I don't know what to do to bring that back though. If it's not possible, I think I'll ever be satisfied. I suppose all I have left to do is wait and see.

thefirestarter — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 14:26:59 GMT

I got a rather.. awkward picture message at 4am last night from a number not in my address book. It's in my city though.

I'm dying of curiosity and need to find out who this is. Tried calling them (took me to sprint voicemail), tried googling it (gotta pay for reverse phone lookup bs), tried searching facebook (no results). It will drive me crazy if I don't find out!

Any suggestions? What would you do if you got an x-rated picture message from a number you've never seen before?

SMARTPHONES @_@

thefirestarter — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 21:43:53 GMT

Lots of questions:

Do you own a smartphone? Which one? Why do you like it? What carrier are you on?

real QWERTY or Virtual keyboard?

Should I get a Touch Pro2 and put Android on it, or should I get a mytouch 3g slide?

Would you buy an iphone 3g with a cracked screen for 55$?

I am a happy baby.

thefirestarter — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 17:41:43 GMT

I love my life. Sure, I wish a few things were different, but all in all, I am so lucky and so happy to be exactly where I am.

I had a pretty great weekend, which included seeing people I haven't seen in years, going to the siren festival, and keeping people waiting for 2+ hours :(

Sunday was spent mostly lounging and playing pokemon - word, I'm going through pokemon red, and I'm gonna beat it. Finally. for the first time ever. I've been at it for like a week ? and I'm already almost up to the part I last stopped when I tried many, many years ago.

I'm feeling pretty efficient today at work - which is funny, because I'm super illegal livejournal posting instead of doing work - but the phones are slow and I've cleaned up my inbox a fair amount.

Need to get back into gongyo again, I feel like it's missing and I want to pray for my mom - she's overexerting herself because her best friend from Mexico and his son are staying over while they visit nyc; she's barely getting any sleep, and it's frustrating for me to see her walking around like a zombie all day and not doing anything about it.

I'm gonna cut myself a fringe. Tonight. I'ma try a blunt one and if I hate it I will make it side-swept, I think that's the best plan of attack. I know Sam hates blunt fringe, which is why I'm trying it now, so it'll grow out by november/december if I/we hate it.

oh yeah - I plan on going to London for my Christmas holiday. I'm pretty sure Sam is coming in November; he wants to come over for two weeks and I hate to say it, but I kinda want him to just be over for 1. Sigh, guilt.

I don't know what else to write, and I'm a little sad thinking about Sam, so I'ma stop this right here for now.

I'm totally connected y0.

thefirestarter — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 15:48:20 GMT

Whatup. Posting from my blackberry. I feel like a dork though, cuz I'm at work sitting in front of a computer. I get paranoid though, so I'd rather not do things that aren't work on there.

I wrote this yesterday morning:

"Good morning,
It's hot as fuck here. Even in the hyper-air conditioned train, the amount of sticky people coming in from the humidity outside, bringing in and radiating the heat their bodies were charged with, negates any cooling measures.

I've been taught from somewhere that sweating is good for you, that you lose weight when you sweat. Don't necessarily know if this is true, but I hope so. I started working out last night, half hour on the "gazelle" I got off a neighbour who was moving. It was moderately fulfilling. I hope it does something noticeable soon.

The more I use my blackberry for diferent things, the more I like being able to do most anything on one device. I used to knock it when I had a regular phone, but I dig it now. I wanna buy my friend's original iphone - I know, I hate all day on apple, but if this guy can give me a iphone for 40$, why not? The more I use my blackberry, the more I notice blackberry's limitations. "

Still relevant. Hope you guys are alive.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

thefirestarter — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 13:10:26 GMT

Hello. Who still exists?

Mathemeticians Figure Out what makes Women Beautiful (possibly NSFW)

thefirestarter — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 20:13:01 GMT

After studying the movements of women for years, finally we get scientific confirmation of what we're seeing: Researchers at Cambridge University in the U.K. have figured out exactly what makes a perfect swivel-hipped walk with "a more angular swaying and bounce to the hips."

Lultastic. I'm at .75. What's your Waist-Hip-Ratio?

read more | digg story

Life is so good.

thefirestarter — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 13:53:28 GMT

I didn't do much this weekend: I helped mom fix the house up and hung up tons of artwork around our living room, helped my aunt buy a new computer to replace her broken one, talked to Sam only a little. Most importantly, though, I had a really good sunday with my mom, woke up early every day, and was relaxed. Today, I woke up early, got ready on my own time, and had a nice (kind of hot) trip to the office, and am feeling productive. I read on Lifehack somewhere about a "one-sentence journal". Where's the fun in that? Write scores of sentences! Write whole biographies every day! That's fun. Then when you look back at it you'll have a wealth of time-machine-like information to look back on. I've always been bad at keeping journals and also have always been forgetful. That's not a very complementary pair of things to be.

I wanna make a lot of progress today on my project, I really do, so I'm going to stop this here.

ohmigod.

thefirestarter — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 15:22:38 GMT

I'm working at an advertising agency. I think I'm dreaming. I can see the whole city from where I am. 22nd floor, my own computer and phone, my own desk. I can see the city for miles. *miles*. This feels *so* good.

The beauty of the human soul.

thefirestarter — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 01:00:33 GMT

Holy crap. So I hate to say it, but I had no idea of what Pope John Paul II did in his life until I saw the movie "Pope John Paul II". Man, what a beautiful, amazing person. As I watched the (3 hour holy crap) movie, I was reading the wiki article about his life, and a lot of it aligned with the movie. Apparently the Vatican helped, yo. This was legit.

It was really depressing to see this man aiming to bring peace to the world almost secularly. He was inspired by his faith to just reach everybody, no matter what religion, where you're from, how old you are. And what'd the human race do? Inspire conflict. He appeared to the people outside his window less than 2 days before he died, his speech and motor skills gone. And what does the world do? Delve into more unrest.

Upsetting. I just hope that if the influence of someone with pure, ethical, just intentions doesn't penetrate, the human race will just get tired of suffering.

thefirestarter — Sat, 19 May 2007 00:47:42 GMT

1/16/07-5/5/07
BOS215 ORG BEHAVIOR 1 A
BOS250 QUANTITATIVE METHODS 1 A
FRN102 ELEMENTARY FRENCH II 1 B+
MAT109 CALCULUS 1 1 A
HONORS LIST

And what?

I did not cry.

thefirestarter — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 04:49:17 GMT

There were lots of negative and positive feelings being felt in those seats when she got up on stage. Not one person expected her to say what she had to say, but by the time she was done, everyone knew the weight of the situation. My heart felt heavy, but only half because of what she shared with us. The other half was because I felt alone when I looked around and everyone was crying. Everyone. Don't get me wrong, it was worth crying about. It was even well-performed, if I can take a step back from it. But I was disconnected. As I got up there and tried desperately to tell her how I felt about it, I couldn't help but feel fake. I really did find what I just experienced to be remarkable, and I really wanted her to know that as if my opinion would change something significant about that night, but I felt like she didn't care, because she knew I didn't cry. I got knocked out of my confidence soapbox for a hot minute.

Have I been desensitized? I tried to rationalize it with the fact that she was on a stage and I was in seats, and I tried not to think of all the disgusting things I've said for a laugh and laughed at, all the gory things I've seen on TV but never assessed the gravity of, and wondered if I cried for all the wrong things. Every trite thing I put emphasis upon - but is it all really trite? Do you have to go through some traumatic experience to feel inadequate and self-loathing? I know there are things I used to cry about that I should never have, but for the first time in a long time all of my problems with myself are resurfacing. Am I trying to empathize with someone whose life will always be a little bit harder than mine? I felt so bad, so selfish when I asked myself that on the walk home, and suddenly I was a girl I had almost forgotten. -- I tend to forget what I look like until I see myself in the mirror. I tend to pretend my face is actually shaped differently when I haven't seen myself for some hours, and I still manage to always be surprised when pictures of me don't come out like I expect them to, or when I walk past a window reflection and I'm not as slim as I am when I pose in front of my full-body mirror. I feel sick. I feel inadequate. I feel like I can relate to her, though my life has been wonderful. I feel ungrateful.
And fucking hell, I'm crying now, about me. About how I wanted to cry before, about how I've learned to hide how I feel about myself (If I tell myself I'm hot enough I will be hot), about how I don't care unless it's about me, about how I know I'm the only one holding myself back from everything I want.

My Xmas Stocking

thefirestarter — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 23:30:11 GMT

Xmas Stocking

leave a gift for thefirestarter

get your stocking

I got it.

thefirestarter — Sat, 28 Oct 2006 16:59:22 GMT

I have that LJ Talk thing. I guess I finally decided to give up on the 'Skype-is-better-than-Gizmo' fight. I got my hair cut on thursday. Not short, and it doesn't seem to be noticably different to other people, but it's in long layers. for 20$, it's pretty damn great. He straightened it too, so it looked bangin'. I'll post pictures later, I guess. I need to figure out what I'm going to wear tonight to my school's production of the Rocky Horror Show. I'm just testing this LJ FrankBot, and listening to Rebekah and that girl from school singing Two-Headed Boy Part 2. It reminds me a lot of the way we did it, but it's distinctly theirs, there are nuances that I don't recognize, and bits that give me direct memories. It's a good feeling.

Goodness gracious, it's been crazy.

thefirestarter — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 23:34:57 GMT

Woah, it feels like it's been a lot longer than it actually has. I'm actually pretty happy, with a mix of tired and frustrated in between. I got to school on Saturday, August 19th, only to find that I had a disgustingly tiny room while I had packed for a double without a roommate. Pretty wack, right? So I complain and complain, and after nearly a week's worth of my mom being here, I get a single in the basement. Bless her so much, she set everything up for me in both rooms before she left, and she's been calling me so much lately, but I've been so busy. :c
Uhm, so orientation training was long and desperately boring without a computer or much access to my mother while she was here. One of the RAM slots on my pc died; luckily the RAM didn't, but I ended up paying someone else 70$ because I was too busy/lazy to figure it out myself. Also, I more than likely needed someone else's computer to figure out what the retarded beeping noise was - it was devastating to not have my computer for that nearly full week. Orientation finally happened, and it was all sorts of interesting and tiring. Thankfully my residents and Devika, my partner, are super hella great, and we all bonded significantly in that week. Most of us, at least; there's always going to be that one that sorta just goes off to parties and friends whenever she can/wants. Two of the guys took me out to parties one night, we had some beers and talked about all sorts of random stuff, it was adorable. And NO hangover the next night! I saw Mike on campus; no one from the internet has ever moved closer to me before, especially someone I've met in person before this move, and seeing Mike in a campus setting bridges the gap a bit. Weird, but cool. This is such a good school.

First day of classes was today. I really like getting all my classes out of the way by the time it's still daylight - and I get a nice little space for lunch! And I love the idea of having two days free in between my sets of classes. On the flipside, I really friggin hate buying textbooks. I'm about to spend 320$ on textbooks, and I've got it great compared to what some kids are spending.

I am estranged from loads of my friends. Well, loads, there were really only 5. 3.5 of them I trust with my whole heart still. I don't know, it'll all get sorted soon enough. On the other side, I've gotten closer to a couple of people, and that's cool, but I don't think we'll ever click like I did with those few. Oh well, I've still got my mommy.

Love life!

Voice Post:

thefirestarter — Sun, 13 Aug 2006 19:49:34 GMT

Wild.

thefirestarter — Mon, 07 Aug 2006 15:09:58 GMT

I'm never going to feel comfortable writing on a mac keyboard. Man, this sucks.

A couple of wild and crazy things have been happening; I came in 40 minutes late to work today because I overslept/talked to Sam, but I still manage to look absolutely dashing. I had an absolutely insane dream, perhaps because I left my Mp3 player playing all night at a low but audible volume. I think it started with me and two old people (related to me somehow) walking up some strangely midwestern-looking road trying to go upstate. Cars were passing us by but we refused to hitch a ride. I was younger, and I think I had blonde hair. We turned around and started heading back ("We're never going to get to your aunt's house like this"), and soon we were in some crazy apartment with sparse decoration and lots of linoleum but very big. There were lots more old people, either related to me or Sam, but they were around a surprisingly small table playing cards. When I was around them, I was small, perhaps even a single digit age. But Sam had his own room, and I would be my age when I was in there. We didn't talk a lot, he seemed a lot more timid than I presume he actually is; I couldn't tell if he was nervous or bored. I looked out his window and it was the view out of TEAK's computer lab. I'll take a picture. The wildest part was that there were old couples in trenchcoats throwing themselves off of ledges lower than ours. They fell in slow motion onto cars and onto the otherwise barren street, then they'd get up and laugh and hug each other. I remember seeing a woman's nose start bleeding (even though she fell on her back?) and I was sure she was dead, so I was mortified, but her husband fell face first and then got up. She got up too and they shared like the deepest moment of their entire lives, it was frightening. Anyway, I felt depressingly distant from Sam and so I went out to the old people and played cards with them a little. I noticed Sam take a 5 minute shower and go back into his room, and I went back into his room after giving him time to change and climbed into his bed in the most innocent way. We faced each other, and he was about to say something when my mother woke me up asking if I was awake. :/ No mom, it's 5 am.

I really wanted to document that before I lost any more of it.

Oh, Cris? I wore a "Welcome to Las Vegas" shirt today, just for you. :D

Sh-shake, shake.

thefirestarter — Mon, 31 Jul 2006 18:13:37 GMT

I haven't gone out dancing since Adelaide came over, and I think that was still May. I've taken frat parties for granted. I'm sitting in an office that isn't mine on a computer that isn't mine, earning a pretty good amount of money to do little things like construct a PowerPoint presentation (on a mac? :/), just waiting for work to be over. As much as I hate work, I'm always going to like its dynamic more than classes. Know why? No homework. My brain feels stunted, though, I wish I could be taught something other than how to feign work more convincingly. At least I have my gorgeous MP3 player playing the sexiest tracks, all thanks to who, even at 19 years old? My mother.

I'm really wondering if I should ask Beka if I could go with her to that Of Montreal concert tonight - if it even is tonight - because she knows it isn't necessarily my kind of music, and I don't know if I can be fucked to get my ass up and go anywhere - much less Brooklyn. Will my mom let me? I sorta just wanna hang out with her. We'll see.

I'm really upset that my school books haven't come yet. The one time I was actually inclined towards getting even a little ahead in my work, I can't. It must be fate.

Uhm, I don't know if I'm excited to go to school. Lots of pros, lots of cons, as usual. I've lost my inclination to write, all of a sudden. I think I had something of importance to say, but anything I feel like telling people I suddenly don't feel like telling every one of you, and that isn't much at all anyway.

Is there a word that means great and horrible at the same time? Because I need that word.

thefirestarter — Thu, 27 Jul 2006 14:06:39 GMT

My day:

+I look great.
+My MP3 player continues to work like a dream.
+I've made lots of brazilian friends on soulseek and pt. somehow.
+I ate a full breakfast.
+Got my paycheck.
-My heart hurts. Eu acho que gosto dele mais que ele gosta de mim. isso mi fais sentir muito so.
-My mother is injured, I nearly cried with uneasiness as I saw her leave the house.
-My english teacher is dead. For all who knew him:

Larry Colan died yesterday afternoon at Westchester Medical Center. He had suffered a stroke and been on a ventilator for more than a week. He seems to have died very peacefully. Larry's sister is planning a small memorial service up in Putnam County next weekend, mostly for his local friends and neighbors. (It will be held on August 5th, between 2-4 p.m., at the Mahopac Funeral Home, 418 Route 6). A memorial involving Riverdale colleagues and former students is under consideration for early September.

Sorry to be the bearer of such sad news.

Joel

p.s. I'm sure I've left some people off this mailing who would want very much to know of Larry's death. Please, therefore, forward this to anyone I've inadvertently omitted, with my apologies.

I feel sick, and I really need a hug.

Creepy.

thefirestarter — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 16:50:06 GMT

This upsets me. I don't even like updating this much anymore, and I don't really have anything to say, but It's still very upsetting. A suicide attempt? Gas explosion? Collapsing a whole building? Thankfully not a lot of people were hurt. Supposedly there weren't too many people in the building. Guess where I was at 8:40? At the 59th Street train station, on the 2 towards Teak. Maybe 6 blocks or so from the building. Underground, at least. Apparently a man is either seriously injured or died on train tracks today, on lines that I didn't take today (I took the 5, though, last Wednesday, to get to where I needed to be at Teak's first day of classes). I read about it on livejournal, so it could be wrong; if it is true, it got pushed out of the news due to the building collapse. Creepy.

=)

thefirestarter — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 17:10:48 GMT

Worth posting.
I got WotD. :3 http://syndicated.livejournal.com/dictionary_wotd/348804.html

Use it in conversation today, please.

Voice Post

thefirestarter — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 03:07:13 GMT

My destiny is manifest.

thefirestarter — Fri, 23 Jun 2006 16:10:25 GMT

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
- George Burns

11:59am. I am so pleased, I got my first support point! I'm talking football with godfathersd! I'm about to have pizza! It's friday! I get to see my dad and two of my mexican counsins today, this is ridiculous. The day is going a little slowly, though.

Pizza time! Be back.

12:36pm. So, I'm back, and still pleased. Lots of little things have been happening that make me really sad or really happy, depending on the moment. My IPod battery died because I forgot to charge it last night, so I decided to take a book on the bus because I can't stand not having anything to do (aka I need to avoid skeezy looks and close myself out to conversation). I found The Fellowship of the Ring! I read the first chapter. =) I'm wearing my pretty white skirt, and I feel really good thanks to talking to Sam for a decent amount of time this morning and last night, even though, because of it, we slept less than we should. I'm gonna email him later today. I think of him very often. I think it's creepy of me, but I can't really help it, now can I?

Pizza was good. Mushrooms and garlic for me. It was extra good because it was free!

..I'm listening to that Gimme That song for the first time.
"I got six fo's and hot bikes that I ride" -- I really visualized little Chris on a bicycle.
I'ma husLAH.
I don't ever see myself with anyone younger than me. I never have.

Is it bad that I've been itching to take quizes and surveys? I guess it's because I'm less inclined to talk about what's on my mind. Not to everyone, at least. Not to many, to be honest.

I'm also tired of arists talking at the beginning and end of their tracks. Unsigned people do this especially.

I need to start printing out some Ebooks. I really like reading on the bus. It helps me curb my inclination to stare at people on the bus. It becomes an issue when they stare back.

I'm really, really in love. Am I in too deep?