A recent event left me feeling defeated, used, and, quite simply, like I didn’t matter. Heavy, I know. But I’ve gathered myself, and as they say, the curse turned out to be a kind of blessing (more on that in a future diary entry).

In the weeks that followed, I kept circling one question: what was it, really, that made me feel so low?

One day, on a walk (because yes, that’s when all good things seem to happen), I came across a podcast where Oprah was interviewing Jennifer Breheny Wallace, author of Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose. She described mattering as the concept that answers one of our most fundamental human questions: Am I valued? Does my presence make a difference?

According to researchers, mattering is the sense that we are valued by others and that we have something of value to contribute to the world. It is deeply rooted in our evolution. Being valued by a group once meant safety and survival. That need hasn’t gone anywhere, even if the way it shows up in our lives has changed.

As the high achiever I naturally am, my first thought was: Okay, so how do I stay on top of my mattering?

Of course, you can’t. But you can become aware of how important it is, especially in the moments when it seems to slip.

Our sense of mattering is often most fragile during periods of transition. In a 1989 academic paper, psychologist Nancy Schlossberg described three types of transitions: anticipated transitions, such as graduating or retiring; unanticipated transitions, like losing a job; and nonevent transitions, the things we expected to happen but didn’t, like the promotion that never came or the pregnancy that didn’t happen.

I found myself in the second category.

These transitions are not always visible. Sometimes they are emotional lines that have been blurred or quietly erased. In those moments, we can start to feel invisible, unwanted, like we have lost our place.

Even the most secure and confident person is not immune to this. It is worth remembering that you are not alone, and this feeling will not last forever. By definition, a transition is simply the space between something old and something new.

So how do we move through it?

The good news is that mattering is highly actionable. As Susan Cain writes, it can be understood through four elements captured by the acronym SAID: feeling significant (seen and essential), appreciated (valued for who you are and what you contribute), invested in (supported and cared for), and depended on (needed by others).

Strengthening these dimensions expands what we might call our “mattering span,” helping us feel grounded, useful, and connected at any stage of life.

And often, when everything feels very inward, the most powerful shift is to look outward. Help a neighbour. Say yes to an invitation. Bring the cookies. Join a running group. Make the cashier smile.

If you notice someone else struggling with their sense of mattering, you cannot rebuild it for them. But you can meet them in small, meaningful ways: rely on them, ask for their help or advice, and truly listen.

In a world that is constantly changing, this is something we can all pay closer attention to: how we see and treat the people around us. Do you say hello to everyone when you arrive at work? Do you thank your partner when your tires are magically changed? Do you give your children small responsibilities so they feel their actions matter at home? Do you check in on a friend you have not heard from in a while, just to remind them they are on your mind?

You matter. And so does everyone else.

With love,