Conundrums and Calculations
The one where she talks about stuff
Account with the “Professional” package enabled
Journal created:
on 26 January 2003 (#872884)
Updated:
on 27 January 2025
Name:
When the Abyss Looks Back
The last time I updated this, I was in a very dark place. I was completely lost in the maelstrom of depression and was seriously doing all I could do to not commit suicide. Every breath taken was a victory over the monster inside my head. I had a plan a, b, and c of how I would do it and believe me, I had it planned to the most minute of details. Good thing I never got around to following up on those plans.
I'm truly a private person and generally prefer the darkness behind the stage curtains. I was never meant to become a pile of ash under the glare of the bright lights. If I become comfortable around someone, I'll open up and then cringe for days because I did. Welcome to the world of being an INFJ personality type. I saw a graphic somewhere that said "I don't get mad, I disappear" and saw myself in that statement. Actually, for me it is any strong emotional reaction that causes the disappearance. I'm very good at becoming invisible. I'm actively working on that, but I just don't know if those kinds of special miracles exist.
So here I am, talking to the ghosts of times past, hanging memories like photos on digital walls. If your knew me from The Time of Great Darkness, you'll find things have changed quite a bit. The welcome mat is nicely swept and the courtyard is always in bloom with lilacs, jasmine, and honeysuckles. There is always plenty of seating available. But lest you think that the sun always shines in my better-adjusted world, I will warn you that I will dark moments sometimes, because there is no cure for depression. The difference is that now I recognize them for what they are and that helps me make sure they really are just brief moments.
Before I go, I will leave you with a quote from the 14th Dalai Lama - "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible."
I'm truly a private person and generally prefer the darkness behind the stage curtains. I was never meant to become a pile of ash under the glare of the bright lights. If I become comfortable around someone, I'll open up and then cringe for days because I did. Welcome to the world of being an INFJ personality type. I saw a graphic somewhere that said "I don't get mad, I disappear" and saw myself in that statement. Actually, for me it is any strong emotional reaction that causes the disappearance. I'm very good at becoming invisible. I'm actively working on that, but I just don't know if those kinds of special miracles exist.
So here I am, talking to the ghosts of times past, hanging memories like photos on digital walls. If your knew me from The Time of Great Darkness, you'll find things have changed quite a bit. The welcome mat is nicely swept and the courtyard is always in bloom with lilacs, jasmine, and honeysuckles. There is always plenty of seating available. But lest you think that the sun always shines in my better-adjusted world, I will warn you that I will dark moments sometimes, because there is no cure for depression. The difference is that now I recognize them for what they are and that helps me make sure they really are just brief moments.
Before I go, I will leave you with a quote from the 14th Dalai Lama - "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible."