Q: How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

WRONG. The lightbulb has to change.

The lightbulb may find it helpful to talk to a therapist. But finding something helpful is not the same as being changed by it. Similarly, the lightbulb may find it helpful to medicate a chemical imbalance. The effects of such an intervention may not be to the lightbulb’s taste; there may be catastrophic sequelae. There is no guarantee that psychiatry will solve the lightbulb’s problems.

The lightbulb could try to ignore the problem. The lightbulb just hasn’t been turning on like she used to. The lightbulb would rather not deal directly with deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. Maybe nobody’s turning the lightbulb on. Maybe the lightbulb isn’t shaped quite right. Maybe the lightbulb has seen too many high resolution videos of thinner, brighter filaments. Maybe the glass is clouded. Maybe the lightbulb’s environment isn’t conducive to the emission of light.

It may be the lightbulb was dealt a bad hand. The lightbulb has read the statistics: as many as 20% of all lightbulbs were switched on too early. The lightbulb may rage about this. Again, the lightbulb may not want to think about it. The lightbulb may seek out familiar hands.

The lightbulb talks to a therapist at least once a week for twenty years. The lightbulb kinda collapses if she doesn’t go to therapy. The lightbulb is lucky to have familial support. The lightbulb’s family has mostly attended therapy instead of synagogue for the last century or so.

The lightbulb may consider religious conversion. The lightbulb thinks of Jesus, who knows what it is like to be removed from a high place, be washed of blood and grime, make your mother cry, in whatever order. The lightbulb may need to make her mother cry. The lightbulb may be tired of making her mother cry. The lightbulb may be tired of people. The lightbulb may try to attend a church full of them, strange and cloying and distant and familiar. The lightbulb may need to develop sociable habits. The lightbulb may need to shower more regularly. The lightbulb may not feel the Spirit.

This is too bad, because the lightbulb has a longstanding fantasy of being changed by an irresistible external force. The nature of these fantasies is religious or sexual or psychedelic or surgical. The lightbulb likes the idea of waking up one day all new and shining from within. The lightbulb does not care how it happens, as long as she doesn’t have to be the one to do it.

The lightbulb does not have to want to change, which is good, because the lightbulb does not want to fucking change. The lightbulb sort of remembers shining from within and not needing to try. The lightbulb is beautiful the way she is and made in God’s image and in general the lightbulb finds her own actions justifiable and reasonable. The lightbulb is tired of living like this. The lightbulb is tired of living like this. The lightbulb is tired of living like this. The lightbulb does not want to change. The lightbulb is tired of living like this.

The lightbulb begins to change. Some of this is effortful and unenjoyable. The lightbulb tries humiliating exercises. The lightbulb fixes her circadian cycle. The lightbulb confronts the statistics. The lightbulb makes new friends. Sometimes the lightbulb gets an ego boost by thinking about how much she’s changed in the last few years, how hard she’s worked. Sometimes the lightbulb doesn’t change because she’s busy thinking about how great a change she’s made. Sometimes the lightbulb talks a bit too much about herself. Eventually the lightbulb gets back on track. She is brighter than she used to be.

Some of this is just aging. The lightbulb slowly matures and becomes both less impulsive and more free. The lightbulb hits a milestone age and thinks things like “wow I made it” and “what the fuck am I doing” and “I have got to get the fuck out of here.” The lightbulb is afraid of going without electricity. The lightbulb recognizes she’s been doing that for years. The lightbulb discovers she has actually been covertly preparing to detach from the base for some time. The lightbulb asks for help. The lightbulb receives help. The lightbulb changes. The lightbulb is changed.

thanks to talia tales for proofreading