I Gotta Be Honest And I Think You Know

I'm A Modern Girl But I Fold In Half So Easily When I Put Myself In Pictures Of Success

2017-01-20T12:30:29Z

I really wanted 2017 to be at least better than 2016 (which is honestly setting the bar low) but my grandma has gone in the hospital twice and has ongoing heart issues, she got fired from her job, they're throwing her under the bus and spreading false rumors about her, my dental bridge broke, I have other health issues, I'm still trying to move and I just got laid off today by email.

I feel so low on spoons. I am in a constant state of high stress and anxiety and it's crashing into sadness and hopelessness. And I can't afford t see my therapist more than twice a month right now so that sucks.

I need to start studying for my exams in the spring soon but it's hard when all this shit keeps happening and I have to do so much and I just feel like I am constantly struggling to keep my head up above water.

This Is Jerry Springer, Not Casablanca

2016-11-13T01:53:15Z

GREGGGGG NOOOOOOOOOOO

sobs like I get where it makes sense narratively and Santiano only signed on for a season but I haven't loved a fictional male character this much in a long time. I am le sad.

So of course I just keep watching his last big number over and over again because I'm a masochist.

On the plus side, I am feeling the urge to write fic for the first time in like two years. Thanks, show

They Say That Home Is Where The Heart Is, I Guess I Haven't Found My Home

2016-11-03T20:21:20Z

Wow, have I really not updated this since August? Time flies. Needless to say, I'm in a much better place than I was then. The new medication seems to be helping (other than some random nasty side effects before figuring out the right dose for me) a lot and my therapist even said she thought I could go back down to every other week. Which is good. It's nice...to not be constantly feeling miserable. Like there's still a lot of things to be stressed about it at least feels like a stress I can manage.

I hadn't gone through that bad of a depressive episode in years but it's good to be on the other side of it. It's weird to look back in my journal and some of the things I wrote because it just feels very...removed? It's hard to explain. But it really is such a difference in how I feel. I think part of what helped too was being more transparent with the people around me of how I was feeling, I was really surprised by how much support I received, and how many people confined in me their own struggles as well, especially a lot of my classmates. It always helps to not feel alone, I guess.

I've been working at an afterschool program tutoring and teaching classes, it's not the kind of teaching I want to do long term but I don't need my masters finished for it and it's good experience to put on my resume. I'm glad I put off retaking my exams, ultimately, there's no way I would have been ready to take them this month.

I'm also looking to move out on my own soon -- assuming I can find a place I can afford that will also let me keep my dog. Which is proving tricky. I've put out feelers to see if anyone I know needs a roommate but so far, no luck. I'll just have to keep looking.

Random fannish stuff:

I went to Leakycon in October and it was one of the best fan experiences I've ever been into. So now I'm listening to Stephen Fry's audiobooks of Harry Potter because I hadn't listened to them before. I've missed Hogwarts. I am, however, really grossed out about the idea of Johnny Depp playing Grindewald in the Fantastic Beasts movies. Can't win them all, I guess.

Season 3 of From Dusk Till Dawn wasn't my favorite but overall still pretty enjoyable, and if that ends up being the finale of the series it could be worse.

I've been really enjoying The Good Place and No Tomorrow as far as new series this season go.

I feel bad I've been so busy I've missed everything with heroesrewatch so far but I still want to try to jump in. Idk why Sunday has been consistently such a busy day for me lately.

I need this election period to be done with and for a maniac to not be president at the end of it. I don't ask for much, really.

Also I fell down some stairs in Union Station the other day and sprained my ankle. I have all the clumsiness of a romcom protagonist with none of the meet cutes, I swear.

And We're Hugging All Over The World...

2016-08-25T18:10:34Z

As I am one of the few people still on LJ I am clearly one of the people stainofmylove tagged for the 10 characters I would like to hug meme. I am going to try hard not to just repeat her meme but there's definitely going to be some crossover.

rules: post 10 characters I would hug then tag 10 blogs. Some of these are people I’d hug because they look like they give great hugs; others are people who really, really need more hugs (if they want them); some I just want to hug for various other reasons; there’s no special order

1. Scott McCall (Teen Wolf)
2. Tyler Lockwood (The Vampire Diaries)
3. Greg Serrano (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend)
4. Jane Villenueva (Jane the Virgin)
5. Annie Edison (Community)
6. Elliot Reid (Scrubs)
7. Lyla Garrity (Friday Night Lights)
8. Cassie Ainsworth (Skins)
9. Amy Raudenfeld (Faking It)
10. Freddie Gonzalez (From Dusk Til Dawn: The Series)

I also tag anyone who is still on LJ and feels like doing it.

Panic is coming on strong so cold from the inside out

2016-05-11T07:23:58Z

my comprehensive exams are on thursday.

the stress and anxiety is real, you all.

Just Like That Bluebird, Ain't That Just Like Me?

2016-01-19T03:32:50Z

It's been a long time since I've done like...a real update I guess. Life keeps happening in abundance. I have a boyfriend now! I am as surprised by this as anybody and it's meant for some life adjustments but I rather like him so I'm not really complaining or anything. I had been seeing him for a while before either one of us bothered to make it ~official~. Also I have never had anything on facebook get as much likes as changing my relationship status did. Like...82 likes or something. It was crazy.

I'm also getting close to the end of my MA program (2 quarters and my comprehensive exams left). And my academic career because I don't see myself going for a PhD any time soon. It's scary but also exciting? I look forward to starting teaching -- and maybe having time to write for fun again? I miss doing original or fan writing even. I just never have the time or energy for it anymore.

I watch a lot of things but I don't find myself as invested in things as I used to be? I don't know, I miss the strong fannish feelings I used to get. I keep waiting for the show that'll suck me back in. Like even in shows I like they aren't...idk that special something? It's hard to explain.

The Stars Look Very Different Today

2016-01-11T07:51:00Z

I haven't updated this thing in a while but David Bowie is dead and I don't know what to do with myself. I was raised on his music -- he was my mother's favorite artist -- I feel gutted by this news.

I wanted to be a hoax. The truth is much harder to deal with.

And I Hope Everything's Gonna Be Alright

2015-10-02T09:52:50Z

On the downside things we got three months notice to move out. My uncle bought this house years ago for my grandparents and now he wants to sell or rent it. So we have to suddenly find someplace to live.

That on top of a full grad school load? Stress is on overload. I think I spent a day just laying in anxiety and panic.

I've lived in this house longer than I've lived anyplace my whole life. Fifteen years. It's weird to think suddenly, that's going to be over.

You're An Animal ( I'm An Animal Too)

2015-09-20T09:06:54Z

I didn't do anything else today but I did watch all of season 1 of From Dusk Till Dawn. Santanico is my queen and yet no one icons her it makes me sad. Le tragic. I don't know. I'm a sucker for cheesy vampire shows. So I have a type

Here, There Must Be Something Here....

2015-09-04T09:31:13Z

Feelings are weird.

Boys are also weird.

My family being more invested in things than I am is also weird.

Realizing you've actually allowed yourself be invested in someone for the first time in years is the weirdest of all though.

Basically my summer can be summarized in sorta dating and sorta just hanging out with a guy and having no idea where we really stand with one another. And the realization that I might be more invested than he is is legitimately terrifying.

So. There's that.

There Be Something Here, Here

2015-06-26T02:14:00Z

I survived my first year of grad school! And got As in both my classes of my last quarter. I'm pretty stoked, especially considering how checked out I felt at the time. Glad that didn't reflect in my work at least.

I've also been sort of seeing this guy, it's been going pretty well so far. We're mostly just hanging out as friends for now which is good because I need everything to work at glacier pace anyway. On our first date he made me the Pegasus from Battlestar Galatica using one of his 3D printers.

At least I know he's as nerdy as I am.

I've been trying a lot of shows but not too many stick. I think I've just needed comedy lately and everything people keep reccing me is dark and gritty. I did watch all of Married thanks to Hulu and am working on Grace and Frankie thanks to Netflix. And I did watch all of the new season of Orange is the New Black.

So there's that.

Tomorrow I take the test I need to pass to apply for a teaching permit. Sometimes I swear I'm almost an adult.

Almost.

This has been my attempt to use this thing

For The Purposes Of This Song Let's Just Say I'm Doing Fine

2015-04-03T11:30:55Z

I've tired to update this so many times but I don't what to say. I've been going through a rough patch emotionally for like...six months now? Depression blows. But I'm doing really well in grad school so I guess I'm doing something right. I got my first A my second quarter -- I should be happier than I am over all this.

Kinda freaking out over my birthday in a couple of weeks. This isn't where I saw my life at 28, still living with my family, still trying to get up on my own two feet, but we all have our own path to follow, right?

In TV news iZombie is delightful so far.idk I watch a lot of other things but I miss like ~strong~ TV feelings. But maybe that's just the apathy talking.

But like everyone else I got that LJ email and I miss the community I used to have here, so I'm going to try to use this more again. We'll see.

In really insane news, my aunt kidnapped my dog this week. This is not even the first time she's done this. Fucking family, man.

Did You Disappear Or Were You Just Misplaced?

2015-01-31T05:49:26Z

Instead of continuing to watch Reign or The 100 I rewatched all of Friends and now I'm watching Gilmore Girls for the first time because clearly this is a good use of my time when not doing grad school work. I'm near the end of season two and I find myself in a situation about Rory/Jess. I'm also super indifferent to Luke/Lorelai. I see what 12_12_12 said about Lorelai/Christopher having way more interesting chemistry and dynamic.

I also was super sick a couple of weeks ago but now I'm better.

My second quarter of grad school seems to be going a little more smoothly than the first one did. If nothing else, I think I might actually be making friends. It's kind of nice.

Cause To Telll The Truth I Don't Know If It's Ever Over

2014-12-17T08:39:18Z

I survived my first quarter of grad school. And I got a B and a B+ in both my classes. Considering how ramped up my anxiety and depression have been lately I am pretty pleased overall considering how many "omg what am I doing I am ruining my life" moments. I have existential breakdowns on a regular basis, it seems.

It's weird to have free time for the next few weeks. Like what do I do with myself even?? Catch up on shows (I still need to finish the first season of the 100 and the first season of Reign)??? Read (I'm halfway through Clariel by Garth Nix, man I love this series)??? Replay Dragon Age: Inquisition as I already beat it one??

We just don't know.

Just Remember Me When....

2014-10-17T09:42:55Z

On the upside I think I'm doing pretty okay in my grad school classes.

On the downside I am pretty sure I've come down with mono and had to ask for a paper extension for the first time in my life. It hurts to even drink water.

On the tv side: I rewatched all of Malcolm in the Middle recently and started Reign. Let us never say I don't spend my required bedrest wisely.

I miss solid food.

All We Can Do IS Try And Live Like We're Still Alive

2014-06-11T06:44:53Z

It's nice to have good news to post in here, after months of feeling like a Debbie Downer. After applying and being rejected to a lot of grad schools I finally got into one -- I'm still waiting to hear back from a few others before making a final decision (they're all local schools and I'd rather not take out the loans to move somewhere else right) but I got in somewhere, and in the fall I'm going to be studying Literature and I'm really, really fucking excited.

Life's Giving You Lemons, You've Squozen Your Supply....

2014-05-14T00:54:33Z

I'm pretty sure when I woke up on Mother's Day (which is always a super rough day for me to begin with) with a terrible UTI my life just slid into official comedy of errors status. Except I'm not laughing.

A few fandom updates:

I watched all of Brooklyn 99 which I really, really love save for Boyle's pursuing
of Rosa so I can only hope that's officially dropped now.

Occasionally I think I am over my anger at the How I Met Your Mother finale but then it flares up again. I'm pressed, basically.

I also watched all of season one of Broad City which was hilarious and surprisingly delightful.

I started the first season of Psych because I wanted something else funny to watch -- I'm midway into the first season and I enjoy it well enough but it's not something I'm super invested in yet.

I'm four episodes behind on The 100 but I plan on fixing that soon. Octavia is my girl.

That's it. That's what I got. I need some new shows.

On the plus side, in my discontent with so many shows I've been reading a lot more lately. So there's that.

Well The Future's Got Me Worried, Such Awful Thoughts

2014-04-11T23:54:11Z

Two rejection letters in one week -- I can't help but feel like maybe I was being foolish with this whole grad school thing.

Not to mention that I keep applying everywhere and can't find any sort of job. Life is definitely looking up right now, let me tell you.

Fanfiction: The Vampire Diaries/The Originals: How's It Going To Be (When You Don't Know Me Anymore)

2014-03-12T12:02:03Z

Title: I Wonder How It’s Going To Be (When You Don’t Know Me Anymore)
Characters/Pairings: Klaus, Rebekah, Klaus/Rebekah
Summary: It is a few decades before Rebekah sees her brother again Spoilers for 1x16 of the Originals
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1103
Author’s note: Sometimes, I still write stuff. Unbetad.

It is a few decades before Rebekah sees her brother again. She hears from Elijah occasionally -- he sends her pictures of Hayley and the child but both of them have passed away. He tells her of how Nik took it badly -- outliving his own child. It doesn't surprise her. But in all that time she doesn't hear from Niklaus -- not even once. She's truly free -- and most of the time she manages to convince herself this is still what she wants, a life without him. Without Elijah.

She makes a life for herself in London -- she's always enjoyed Europe far more than America. She has a few flings, a few loves, and a few disappointments, but things always end on her own terms. She has friends here, her own community. People call her the Queen of the West End. She is happy -- this is what she tells herself. She tries to ignore the hole in her heart -- when it thunders outside she tries not to think about how he would sneak in her bed and comfort her. She is not a little girl anymore, after all.

And this is what she wanted, wasn't it?

Every year she has an annual Masquerade ball with different themes. She's chosen to dress up as Christine Daae from The Phantom of the Opera (to this day she still prefers the novel to the musical but she's always been a purist). She dances with several different men before her shoulder is tapped and she turns around. Her heart stops in her chest -- it's been so long since she last saw him and yet she knows it's him. The half mask across his face doesn't hide anything (it doesn't surprise her that his costume is her counter point -- he always did know her better than anyone else).

She wordlessly takes his hand, letting him lead her onto the dance floor. Seconds turn into minutes and neither one of them say anything. Compared to how long they were together their time apart is like nothing and yet it feels like it's been forever.

"How did you find me," Her voice is quiet as they settle into a waltz -- like they've done countless times before. Like she thought they might not ever do again.

"I was visiting Paris and I heard whispers of the Vampire Queen of London." His words are soft, almost proud in a sort of way.

"That could be anyone," She counters, bringing her chin up defiantly to meet his eyes.

"No. It couldn't." There's a pang at his words because once she would have loved to get such praise, such validation from him -- but now? She's not so sure.

"You have New Orleans, don't I deserve my own place?" He had made it clear, she could never come home. So she's had to make one for herself.

"I gave New Orleans back to Marcel -- it's his city, let him have it." His words are curt and dismissive, and she imagines there's a story there. Perhaps, once his child died he couldn't stay there anymore. She doesn't ask. Doesn't want the details about the niece she never got to meet.

His hand moves down to her waist, pulling her in a little closer now. Unintentionally Rebekah feels her body tense, just a little. "Why are you here?"

He is quiet for a moment or two. "I thought for sure after you had a few years on your own you would come back -- you always came back before."

Her face contorts in anger, and her next words come out more like a hiss. "You were the one who told me not to -- who made it clear what the boundaries were. Not me. If you wanted to see me -- Elijah talks to me, you could have asked him. Or were you waiting for me to come begging for big brother's forgiveness, for a place by your side again? Did you really think that was going to happen?"

There's another moment of silence. There didn't used to be so much of that between them -- silence. Restraint. "Honestly, I think I did."

She begins to pull away from him but he tightens his hold on her. "Tell me one thing, Rebekah. Have you been happy? Is life without me everything you dreamed it would be?"

She wants to say yes. She wants to laugh in his face and tell him that these few centuries without him were better than all of the centuries spent with him. She wants to tell him about the men she's loved, the friend's made. The community she's built -- the loyalty she's garnished -- something he has never been able to do himself.

"Sometimes." Is what she says instead. It's closer to the truth. She does not tell him of how lonely she's been, like the other half of her is missing.

"It's not so easy, is it, cutting your family out," His words are cruel, and she wonders if that's why he came here in the first place. To hurt her. "But we don't know how to be happy together either. Tell me, Rebekah, what do you want now?"

She could make it simple. She could tell him she wants him to stay. That she wants to be a family. That she cries herself to sleep sometimes missing him and Elijah (but especially him). But once again she keeps what she really wants to herself, she has learned to be more careful than she used to be with her words.

"The same things I have always wanted." It's what she said last time. There's a flash of something in his eyes at it, but she can watch him push it away.

"I hope for your sake, you find it, then. It'd be a shame if this was all for nothing, wouldn't it?"

And it's not nothing. Her life, what she wants, what he has denied her in her exile -- it's not nothing.

She leans in, brushing a kiss against his cheek but there is nothing kind about the action. "Be happy, brother. Your endless mercy is not forgotten."

And with that she pulls away, exiting the hall rather quickly. She no longer feels like dancing, somehow.

--

The next morning she wakes up in her bed and on her nightstand is the little wooden doll he had carved for her when they were children. She had no idea he still had it.

Maybe in a few more decades she'd track him down and return it to him.

Maybe.

I Will Not Lose Because You Can't Win

2014-03-10T20:07:05Z

I keep meaning to update things here but I am as unmotivated to do that as apparently everything else in my life. Weee.

A few bullet points.

- I watched all of Luther and really, really loved it. Alice Morgan, where have you been my whole life?

-I've watched the first two seasons of The Walking Dead and enjoy it a lot more than I was expecting to. Though I have rarely hated a fictional character the way I hated Shane, jfc.

-It occurs to me I need to find better friends but making friends as adults is difficult.

-I'll be going to New York from March 17-24. stainofmylove we should definitely try to hang out.

-Murphy's Law has been in overdrive in my life in the past month or two and if my life were a sitcom it'd be kind of hilarious but as it's my life it's just seriously discouraging.

-Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell is probably the best book I've read in a long, long time.

-That's it. That's all I got.

I Don't Mean To Pick You Apart But I Can't Help It

2014-02-15T02:12:39Z

Confession:

I see people squeeing over Arrow and Felicity/Oliver all over tumblr and other places and I keep trying to watch it but my issue?

I'm a huge fan of DC Comics (or the old ones, it's hit or miss with New 52) and one of my otps growing up was Oliver/Dinah. Laurel in the show is obviously supposed to be Dinah but a really, really poor man's version of her. And I have a hard time just letting that go. And it's interesting because most of the people I know who are hooked on Arrow don't seem that familiar with the Green Arrow or Black Canary comics and I wonder if that helps with it. Probably. I try to just accept adaptations as seperate entities but it's really hard for me.

I still feel bad for my friends who have had to suffer me ranting about my issues with Nolan's take on Batman. And like such a dark take on Oliver is hard for me too. TBH every time I try to watch more of it I find myself just wanting to rewatch the Justice League Unlimited cartoons.

Does anyone else have this issue with adaptations? Like I'm obviously not attacking anyone who does like this show or Oliver/Felicity but it's just an interesting thing to me I guess how stubborn your mind can get about things. Plus, I was well overdo to make a post that isn't about how much my life is sucking right now.

I'm Just Going To Get My Feet Wet Until I Drown

2014-01-29T08:14:46Z

I pretty much hate every aspect of my life right now. I'm sorry I didn't respond to my comments on my last entry but I did appreciate them. Things have just been kind of spiraling and I could distractions and I'm pretty sure everyone is as sick as I am about hearing me complain about things. so!!!! meme time:

SEND UNPOPULAR OPINIONS AND I WILL RESPOND:

strongly agree | agree | neutral | disagree | strongly disagree

I'm Not Sick But I'm Not Well

2014-01-24T18:35:32Z

In the past week I have gone to the ER, my primary doctor and today I see a specialist. Ugh. I did not needed this added stress in my life right now. I might need a colonoscopy to figure out what's going wrong in my GI track.

Awesome.

Ready For The Worst Before The Damage Is Done

2013-12-26T05:22:17Z

I finally started writing a fic just because I wanted to like a week ago and between life, the holidays and getting super sick (merry Christmas to me, I'm coughing up a lung!!!) I've spent so much time away from it idek how I would continue it now.

which is silly I guess but I don't feel well and I want to whine, damnit.

So I Fell Like A Girl From A Balance Beam

2013-12-08T04:23:45Z

not that I'm around much in a fandomy or otherwise way lately but:

holiday love meme 2013
my thread here