The Jukebox

supergreak — Tue, 23 Sep 2014 01:20:52 GMT

The New Friends of James Barnes, Actual Human Being (Plus One Old One) (16522 words) by supergreak
Chapters: 7/7
Fandom: Deadpool (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, X-Men - All Media Types, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), She-Hulk
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Wade Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Food, James "Bucky" Barnes/Autonomy, James "Bucky" Barnes & Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sleep
Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Wade Wilson, Natasha Romanov, Melinda May, Kamala Khan, Hulk (Marvel), Wanda Maximoff, Pietro Maximoff, Charles Xavier, Phil Coulson, Jennifer Walters, Clint Barton, Other Marvel Characters, Tony Stark
Additional Tags: Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes-centric, Food, In Soviet Russia, bucky up all night to get YOU, Angst, Humor, Women Being Awesome, Road Trip of Food and Also Justice, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Nothing Good Happens At Taco Bell, Minor Clint Barton/Phil Coulson, If You Squint - Freeform, Gen Work, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery
Series: Part 3 of Loosely Connected Post-Winter Soldier Fics
Summary:

In which the Winter Soldier makes some new friends, demolishes a lot of Hydra bases, discovers food courts, and finds his way home.

Fic: [Frozen/Star Wars] Let It Go, You Must

supergreak — Thu, 26 Jun 2014 03:53:51 GMT

Let It Go, You Must (5179 words) by supergreak
Chapters: 2/2
Fandom: Frozen (2013), Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Anna & Elsa (Frozen), Elsa (Frozen) & Yoda
Characters: Elsa (Frozen), Anna (Frozen), Hans (Frozen), Yoda, Palpatine | Darth Sidious, Qui-Gon Jinn
Additional Tags: I Blame Tumblr, Sorry Not Sorry, References to Other Jedi, ridiculous premise, Crossover
Summary:

Elsa of Arrendale was a powerful Padawan with a slightly uptight Master and a tendency to use the Force via ice. That’s just the start of the story, though.

Fic: The Moons of Greemfalazaka and Other Pickup Lines

supergreak — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 18:57:15 GMT

The Moons of Greemfalazaka and Other Pickup Lines (7719 words) by supergreak
Chapters: 2/2
Fandom: Rambling Wrecks, Torchwood
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Miles Brown/Jack Harkness, Miles Brown/Jack Harkness/Sentient Soil
Characters: Sentient Soil, Miles Brown, Jack Harkness
Additional Tags: Alien Planet, silicon-based life forms, I Don't Even Know, Public Sex, Public Nudity, Dirty Talk, Lots of Sex
Summary:

Alternatively titled, "SOILFIC" or "The one where Miles and Jack Screw Their way through An Entire Solar System in Three Days Flat"

So I wrote a thing? It takes place in the Rambling Wrecks universe, which is a spinoff of "A Tale of Three boys" - totally worth reading, btw, but not required in the least to understand this.

For non 3boys/RW people: Miles brown is a sophomore at Clemson University, playing football and staying in the closet to keep his scholarship. Which was a big shock from being openly pan at high school. He's in love with his bff, who's in a 'it's complicated' with someone else, cue heartache.

For non Torchwood/Doctor Who people: Captain Jack Harkness is from the 51st century and flirts with everything that moves, and some things that don't. He travels the galaxy with his vortex manipulator (which looks like a fancy watch) and loves all the people.

Obviously, the two had to meet.

Gleefic: Finish Line (A NASCAR AU)

supergreak — Thu, 16 Aug 2012 11:40:18 GMT

Finish Line (26146 words) by supergreak
Chapters: 2/2
Fandom: Glee, NASCAR RPF
Rating: Mature
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Kurt Hummel/David Karofsky/Noah Puckerman, David Karofsky/Noah Puckerman, Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Characters: Kurt Hummel, David Karofsky, Noah Puckerman, Santana Lopez, Brittany S. Pierce, Burt Hummel, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Lauren Zizes, Quinn Fabray, Glee Ensemble
Summary:

After his wife's death, Burt takes a job as Dale Jr.'s pit chief. This is a story of growing up NASCAR, unforeseen opportunities, the politics of racing, making friends and making out, food tour of America, the national anthem (twice), finding love, and the true spirit of NASCAR.

progress report

supergreak — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 05:24:15 GMT

Growing!up!NASCAR!Kurt, you are adouessing it'll end up ~20K, minimum. rable, but grow up faster so you can win a Sprint Cup race and make out with hot boys and get into a triad, kthnxbai. This is going to be so much longer than originally planned.

Two new fics!

supergreak — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 17:37:49 GMT

So I've been mostly absent from the internet for...a long time. It's like the unintended hiatus that won't ever end. But while I'm mostly internet-less, I'm writing. A lot. On trains and in the margins of my calc notes. Most of it chunks of WIPs, both fanfic and original, but a few one-shots as well that I'll get around to polishing up and typing one of these days.

But I have posted two stories over the summer from the library computers.

The Gleeful Gardener: Brittany knew that, like the plants in her garden, all her friends would thrive, if they just had enough love and attention.
We Are Strong - a Puck and Kurt friendshippy reaction to I Am Unicorn. This will eventually be part of a series of connected one-shots that stand alone about Kurt and his friends, senior year. I have parts of Finn's, Mike's, Santana's, Karofsky's, and Brittany's written, but since I write in fits and starts, they might all get finished next week or not until January. I have no idea.

An idea for an archive

supergreak — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 17:24:58 GMT

Sooooo... a while back, someone at Sam's Cafe proposed this idea, and I've been thinking about it for a while.
  mtgat said
            As a side note, and throwing it out there because I can: I would love to figure out a way to set up and run a kids-based multifandom fanfiction archive. Have it heavily moderated, have it not be able to link off-site, light PG and below ratings only. Make sure there is no way for people to contact the authors privately. Kids do write fanfiction, and read it, and it'd be nice to have a place for them to go to post their bouncy Mary Sues and tw_babiez crossovers and everything else you start out writing when you're first old enough to type. It'd be a place for people to say, fine, you want to read Care Bears fic without worrying about explicit BDSM? Go here. But coding such a thing is beyond me.

My coding is mediocre at best, but between efiction and the 3 floor-to-ceiling bookshelves in my house of Dad's programming books, I'm sure I could figure it out. I want something that the parents can trust, that you could find G-rated Super Mario Bros or Star Wars fanfiction(like my brother comes up with) without worrying about kidnappers or learning bad words or learning about teh sex. Where parents can have as much confidence in the safety of their children as they do on nickjunior.
And besides, I remember coming up with epic playground versions of Enderverse/X-Men/Star Wars/Jewel Princess/Boxcar Children crossovers. Where all the villains from every series you've ever seen have a mad cackling meeting behind the tire swing, then get blown to smithereens by the combined forces of Nancy Drew and Wolverine. Kids have the best imaginations, and it would be a positive thing, educational even, to promote writing and reading and creativity.

There is such a thing for Star Trek, and there's a small community on LJ for Harry Potter. But! If it was multifandom, it would live on when kids are like, "Harry Potter? That's so turn-of-the-century"

My dilemma: domain name. The money isn't a problem; it doesn't cost much to get a name and hosting and it's not that big of a deal. The bigger issue, to me, is finding an archive name that can in no way lead to TROUBLE. The kind that happens when you mispell yahoo and end up on a Chinese porn site(hello, sixth grade computer lab).   So I'd want something that's uniquely memorable and not likely to have any confusion.

Kidsfiction is clear about what it is, but I'm sure some permutation of that leads to kiddie porn. Fandom Elementary!   The Epic Parent-Approved Fanfic Project!

So. If you have suggestions or ideas, let me know. I'll probably let this stew for another few months before I actually do anything about it, but this way other people are stewing, too!

I am so horrified

supergreak — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 15:10:02 GMT

Okay, these people give environmentalism a bad name. Seriously. This is the creepiest thing ever, and the first part reminded me of a more splattery version of Doctor Who The Beast Below.
WARNING FOR GRAPHIC VIOLENCE.

Can't these people see? Rubbish like this hurts the cause. You're not going to get global-warming deniers to believe in it by blowing up British schoolchildren. I'm incredibly disgusted that someone would even think to make this video. Oh, yes, let's promote murder of innocent schoolchildren!

Speaking of environmentalism, you know that big One Nation rally on Saturday? The one that was for diversity, social change, and the environment? This is what they do to the national mall.
Talk about hypocrisy.
Even the Glenn Beck people managed to clean up after themselves. I'm excited that both groups, and Jon Stewart's later this month, are excited about the issues and politics and want to organize and speak freely. I'm pepped that people actually care in this country, far from the apathy of a few years ago. I'm excited that people, on all ends of the political spectrum, are getting educated and reading books and doing more than listen to propaganda. Just, guys, practice what you preach, already! No one listens to hypocrites.

supergreak — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 03:28:13 GMT

X♥X ~ OPEN FANDOM & OPEN PAIRING KISS MEME ~ X♥X

OKAY YOU GUYS!!! WE NEED OUR OTHER FANDOMS/BANDOMS/ORIGINALS HERE!!!!

So far, there is HP, Torchwood, Merlin, and a spattering of original and supernatural.
NCIS! REPRESENT!
Where's the Drake and Josh? Where's the Kradam? Where are all our little obscure fandoms?

This all-fandom, all-pairing kiss meme needs to be diversified. SO GO FORTH AND DRABBLE!

Hezikiah 3: Love in all forms

supergreak — Thu, 07 May 2009 03:54:34 GMT

If you weren't around or don't remember, go here.

All you need is love
The course of true love never did run smooth
We all want to know, right away, that he's the one. Good luck with that.
Don't hesitate to fall in love.
Boys are icky. Boys are also itchy, but only after spelling errors/bulbadox powder in their pajamas.
Make your own magic
When a girl tells you she loves you, that is the time to cut and run!
Thou shalt not missionary date.
Death cannot stop love. It can only delay it for a while.
The man is indeed the head of the household. But the woman is the neck.
You are not your father.
No matter how you have The Talk with your dearly beloved children, it will be awkward.
Everyone deserves parents who take care of them; who protect them
No one should have to endure trials alone, especially when a friend who loves them is standing by.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
If you would be loved, love and be lovable.
The greatest gift a parent can give a child is unconditional love.
Enemies, as well as lovers, come to resemble each other over a period of time
All's fair in love and war
Hug me, brotha!
There’s a canyon an earth-wide between love and hate -anon until smoochfest reveals.

Sydney J. Harris, Aretha, Suzanne Brockmann, Me, My Big Fat Greek Wedding(slightly changed), Joy and Jen and I(#5), The Princess Bride, The Beatles, Willy Shakes, Relient K, Dubya, Drake and Josh

DracoisaVeelaandHarryishismate: An Evolutionary Perspective

supergreak — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 23:21:06 GMT

So. Archeology test. Essay question on Sarah Hrdy's theory of Concealed Ovulation. I said to myself, "Self, you're never going to remember this crap for the final. What the hell do the sex lives of Austrolopithecenes have to do with your life? Monogamy versus harems versus promiscuity, blatant advertisement of ovulation versus concealed, finding mates...OMG! MATES!!!! Creature!fic!!! VEELA!!!!"

ER. So. This is an evaluation of the mating habits of Veela as portrayed in canon and fanfic, particularly in Harry/Draco slash, from a biological and anthropological perspective.

Title: Mating Patterns in Veela
Fandom: Archaeology, Harry Potter
Genre: Meta, humor
Rating: R
Warnings: Magical creatures, MPreg, taking fandom far too seriously, mentions of wild and rampant sex(but no actual sex)

If I have any logical fallacies or flat-out mistakes, please enlighten me so that I may fix this.

Let's start with a discussion of what, in all actuality, Veela are. Everything on earth has a taxonomic classification, which I will use to explain the distinctions in magical beings. It goes Domain-Kingdom-Phylum-Class-Order-Family-Genus-Species. For instance, humans are Eukarya (Eukaryotes, or having more than one cell)-Animalia-Chordata - Mammalia - Primates - Hominidae - Homo - H. sapiens . With me so far? Usually, just the genus and species are used, unless there's a sub-species. Modern humans are referred to biologically as Homo sapiens sapiens.
A species is a group of beings that can interbreed and produce fertile offspring. If a horse and a donkey mate, you get a mule. Which, although it lives, can't have kids. Generally species can interbreed within their genus, but the offspring are sterile. So what different species do we have in the Wizarding world? Giants would be Homo gigantus- a different species than Homo sapiens, because although they're similar in appearance, they lack the brain capacity, and would probably be a branch off Homo erectus- capable of culture and tools and fire, but not all that bright. Merpeople, likewise, are a separate species, Homo Aquanus, or something of the like, with sub-species of H. aquanus sirenae, H. aquanus selkus, and H. aquanus merrowus, for the Sirens, Selkies, and Merrows, respectively.

How is this relevant? Well, Veela are a sub-species of Homo sapiens, and canon proves it. The two qualifications are that they can a)reproduce and b)the offspring are fertile.
Veela and H. sapiens sapiens intermarry. Case in point: Fleur Delacour. Fleur's grandmother reproduced, having Apolline, who had Fleur and Gabrielle, and Fleur had Victoire. All interbreeding with wizards. They had kids, who could have kids, therefore, they are Homo sapiens veelaris(veelensis? veelarus?). Because Veela!Draco and Human!Harry are the same species, a major imposition to them mating is resolved.

Whoa, whoa, hold your hippogriffs! Why is species so important to Veela!fic? Well, because the main basis of the majority of Veela!fic is that Draco is overwhelmed by his "animal instincts", which all say to find a viable mate with which to continue the species. No matter how dreamy Harry(or other mate of your choice) was, a different species wouldn't recognize him during mating season as a mate. Speaking of viable mates...

Harry Potter is a human male. The males of H. sapiens sapiens unfortunately for all the MPreggers out there, do not have the equipment for carrying children. No amount of semen, human or otherwise, will give them a uterus. Even if there is a charm or potion for male pregnancy, Veela pheromones wouldn't know this; they'd say: INFERTILE. MOVING ON. Veela, on the other hand, have several distinct characteristics: the wings, the allure, the launching fireballs. It's entirely possible that male Veela evolved the capability for male pregnancy- after all, it would promote the continuation of the species. Several fics have really excellent explanations for why this might occur, so I won't go into it. So a Veela!Draco would be capable of getting pregnant.

Wait! Who says there has to be the possibility of MPreg? Remember our premise that Veela!Draco is dealing with his animal instincts? The most prevalent animal instincts are to survive and to pass on their genetic code. If Draco's in mating season or the like, he would be attracted to the strongest person- magically and physically-that could produce the offspring most likely to survive. If he weren't capable of getting pregnant, he would seek a female to impregnate. It's nature's law. Therefore, in Veela!Draco/Human!Harry, Draco would bottom. Obviously, if Harry were a magical creature as well, the rules would change.

...and Harry is Draco's soul mate, and they live happily ever after in twoo wuv! Yeah...right. Okay, so the thing fanfic has invented called "mating season" doesn't work well with the soul-mate, life-bond, shag-lie-rabbits-year-round concept. Simply put, if an animal has a mating season(or blatant ovulation, or period of fertility that everyone can see), they don't jive well with sex the rest of the month/year/whatever. Because of this, their males go and shag other little female monkeys the rest of the month. After all, they're ready to go all the time, and they like to sow their wild oats. While gibbons are monogamous and gorillas keep harems, most primate species are promiscuous. The species lives on, there's plenty of genetic diversity, and they can go on wiggling their hot-pink derrières when it's time to mate. Humans, on the other hand, have concealed ovulation. Neither the males nor the females know when it's Ovulation Time, so females are receptive to sex a fair amount of the time, encouraging males to choose one and shag her regularly, to guarantee that the kid's his. Now, the theory is far, far more complicated than this, but it involves talking about lots of het sex. Which isn't the focus here.

The focus is getting Draco and Harry to shag both during mating season and the rest of the time. After all, sex is really all that matters. To make this work, we need to have Monsieur Blatant Ovulation have a mating season, then revert back to semi-normal human behavior the rest of the time, because Normal Human Dude likes to shag whenever. This suggests a split personality, of sorts. To make this possible- the two personalities (or at least sets of instincts) peacefully coexisting, we need something else. MAGIC. That's the answer. Otherwise, we'd have hot veela sex once a season and cold and lonely Draco the rest of the time.

And because humans ARE capable of monogamy and Twoo Wuv, the mate Draco selects during mating season would probably stay with him year round. Especially if it was a noble Gryffindor who so courteously knocked him up during mating season.

Disclaimer: This was written as a study tool for archeology class. I mean no insult to the owners of the character(JKR), the writers of Veela!fanfic, or the archaeological community. No offense meant against peoples dead, alive, or imaginary. The Harry Potter Wiki was used liberally as a reference..

...and this is why I was snickering the entire exam.

Focus! A Guide to Staying Sane

supergreak — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 06:12:03 GMT

Thou shalt clean thy room.
If you pierce your ear/eyebrow/nose/lip/bellybutton in college, don't cover it with a band-aid and call it a zit.
Keep your ass off the grass.
Stop thinking about puppy dogs and rainbow.
Thou shalt practice thine instrument.
If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm mad. That's the way history is written.
Flogging will continue until morale improves.
Thou shalt get thine life together
Why not do everything in your power to give your self the best of opportunities?
See the box? Think outside the box.
Thou shalt does thine homework
Procrastinators shall unite…eventually.
A person's character is determined not by their abilities but by their decision
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot, hang on, and swing!
To every problem there are at least two solutions, and to every solution there are at least two problems.
Thou shalt not type like a retarded elephant.
Wear God as your glasses
Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.
Do or do not; there is no try

20. You should show up to take your finals and your midterms.

Er, credits include Star Wars(books and movies), Artemis Fowl, Jen's t-shirt, Dumbledore, Leo Buscaglia,

And these people I actually know: Hamish Arnold, Anna Nash, Justin Way, Gary the Drill Tech, Mom, myself

Hezikiah, chapter 1: Some general, practical advice

supergreak — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 21:13:27 GMT

Well, here goes.

Don’t suck
Neither a lender nor a borrower be.
This above all: to thine own self be true
Recovering from a gunshot wound is not a vacation
Just shove a bezoar down their throats
Never place a period where God has placed a comma
Put down the rock
Never deal with a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line.
Don't drink the water in T.J.
The better part of valor is discretion
A hot bath cures everything
Never give small boys chocolate then tell them to sit still in church.
You won't come back from Deadman's curve.
If in doubt, subdivide.
Always bring a book.
Especially if you are told that you won't need one
It never hurts to jettison the ballast in your life
Never, ever buy food from Ross
Never get involved in a land war in Asia
Beware of R.O.U.S.'s(Like Peter Pettigrew)
Don't let your friend's issues bog you down
Save the drama for your mama
Mourn the losses because they are many. But celebrate the victories because they are few
Pop! The hometown bubble

Credits for chapter one quotes include: The Beach Boys, The Princess Bride, Deb(of Queer as Folk), marching band(quoting a drill tech and two different band directors), Severus Snape, my sister, my mom's best friend, Dad, some common knowledge in SoCal, William Shakespeare, and Jules Cassidy(of The Troubleshooters), and others.

Hezikiah basis is here, and the still-ongoing poll is here.

If you have any more general advice, or want to add something for the next section(or the one after that, or the one after that...), this is still a WIP. Obviously. And no offense is meant to anybody, I make no money, and this is just for fun.

Next chapter includes quotes such as "Thou shalt practice thine instrument". Stay tuned for Chapter 2: How to stay sane

Recipe-The Melody Special

supergreak — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 04:37:05 GMT

This is evolved from 1)my love for sauteed onions, 2). Mom's tendency to clean out the fridge via stir-fry, and 3). Lots of experimentation

The Melody Special

A carrot, sliced thin
2-4 zucchini(depending on size) and 1-2 yellow squash -chopped with zig-zag cutter. This is Andy's job. Of course, his are all sorts of sizes, but he's five. Can't blame him, and they still taste the same. Now, I recommend that you taste-test the zucchini, because a bitter one can ruin the whole dish. You can also add other veggies here, like broccoli and artichoke hearts. Whatever floats your boat. Mom has used beets. It made the whole thing purple.

1 large, sweet(I use Maui) onions, sliced. Now, my family loves onions. If yours doesn't, do one small onion instead of a larger one.

olive oil
fat free chicken broth
whole wheat penne-enough for your family
boneless skinnless chicken breasts, cut into pieces about a cm thick and about the size 'round of the fat end of the zucchini.
pepper
garlic salt
Good parmesean cheese

This recipe has 2 variations: The healthy-but-not-losing-weight, and the every-calorie-counts.

1. Start the water boiling for the pasta. In a very large skillet(bigger the better), put a splash of olive oil or a small drop of oil and a splash of broth. Turn stove to high. Put in the chicken and onions and sprinkly liberally with garlic salt and pepper. Beware of burning in the lower-fat version. Prep your veggies. Keep stirring and adding more liquid-of-choice as needed, until the chicken is cooked through and onions are softened, but not quite carmelized.

2. Add all your veggies and more garlic salt, pepper, and liquid. You'll need more in the low fat version. Stir well. Turn down to med-low. Cover for a few minutes(2-5) if the vegetables aren't cooking/getting soft/are still crunchy when you test them. Cook pasta according to directions on package.

3. More seasonings. Uncover if necessary and turn up to high, so everything gets nice and carmelized. Or, if the pasta isn't done, leave it on low and uncovered for the same effect, until your noodles are done.

4a. Drain pasta and throw it in with veggies, stir-frying for a few minutes before removing from heat. It should have a nice almost-burnt look to just about everything. Can be served plain or with sauce of choice.

4b. Drain pasta, serve with veggies on top or on the side. Pasta in this case is softer and is better for picky eaters. Or if you want to measure out your servings. Top with marinara and parmesean cheese.

4c. (My personal favorite) Remove everything from heat and into a large bowl. Toss with a v. small amount of olive oil or a few drops of broth, garlic salt(sense a theme here?), and a good amount of grated parmesean cheese. No sauce on this, it has flavor enough.

Serves a family of 5 just fine.

Warning: This recipe is imprecise and adaptive. All measurements should be adjusted to suit your family. Variants include Yakisoba:substitute for stir-fry veggies and yakisoba noodles, with canola oil instead of olive and soy sauce instead of marinara;
The Potato Version: Chop up a few leftover baked potatoes and grill with the veggies, omit the noodles, and presto!
The Everything-in-the-fridge Version: Basically, every kind of veggie and applicable fruit in the fridge, with whatever meat you have leftovers of, and whatever kind of sauce makes sense. Still use garlic.

Each serving contains 1 carbohydrate, 1 protein, 1-3 vegetables, depending on how much overboard the chef went, and enough garlic salt to ward off any vampires, mosquitos, or teenage boys who might happen by.

Blaise Zabini vs. Herman's Hermits part 3/3 (NEW FIC!)

supergreak — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 22:17:45 GMT

Title: Eighth Time's the Charm!
Rating: PG-13, for massacring Herman's Hermit's lyrics, cold-blooded murder, and implications of sex. Also, general irreverence.
Blame

thanfiction for getting 'Enry the Eight stuck in my head, and oddnari for encouraging me to write more after the first part. It really should have died there...

Speaking of "should have died", I posted this over on ff.net. I got this review.

"Oh no! This is absolutely hilarious! I can't wait to hear about Henrietta!"

As much as I love reviews, especially ones that have proper grammar and punctuation, I'm going to let the poor girl down. This will not have a sequel. Hell, it wasn't supposed to continue past " Willie or Sam or anything but Henry?". It's over. Now to break that to my first loyal reader...*sigh* Why can't stories I'm actually proud of get fangirls?

Blaise Zabini read the letter through twice more before crumpling it in his fist and dropping it in Goyle's porridge. Honestly, Blaise understood that Mother was lonely. She had been widowed for the seventh time this past June, right before sixth year started, and he had honestly believed it would be the last time. It had been confusing enough having seven different men to call "Father" growing up, even though this last one had lasted a good three years. But wasn't six months a little soon to be getting married again? He scowled again for good measure and went back to his toast. He was not looking forward to meeting Mum's new husband at the upcoming Hogsmeade weekend, no matter how excited she was to have a new victim, oh excuse me, husband. He just hoped this one lasted until he graduated, at least.

"Zabini, what did the toast ever do to you?" Draco drawled. "The news can't have been that devestating. It's not like your mother's getting married again, or something."

Blaise glared.

Draco snorted his coffee. "She isn't. No way."

Blaise glared harder.

Draco laughed. "Ooh, Old Slughorn's gonna love this one! You'll be more famous than ever. Maybe you can wangle me an invitation to the next party?"

Blaise finally spoke. "Malfoy, keep it up, and the only thing you'll be getting an invitation to is your own funeral. Shut up about my Mum."

"Fine." Malfoy handed him a new stack of toast. "Did you hear about Midgen? Apparently she tried to Transfigure her pimples this time."

And with that, the subject was safely diverted away from Blaise and his mother.

Mother was sipping tea in Le Petit Cafe when Blaise walked in. The man next to her was uglier than the last, and his wealth was so gaudily displayed that it made him want to hurl. The man stood up, extending a hand. "You must be the Blaise I've heard so much about. Pleasure to meet you. I'm Henry James Windwalker."

Ignoring the extended hand, Blaise turned to his Mum. "Mother, you must be kidding me. I can understand marrying eight times, I really can! But must they all be named Henry? This is the Eighth one! You couldn't pick a man by any other name, like, I don't know, Willie or Sam or anything but Henry?"
"Blaise! Have some decorum! We do not speak of such subjects in public places, darling. Now sit down and be nice to Henry."
Blaise shuffled his feet before slouching quite effectively into the chair. "Fine." He grumbled. Now this whole routine again...I give him five seconds before starting the story. Five...four...three...two...
"Now, I met your mother purely by chance, Blaise. It was such fortune."
Yeah, for her. And with my luck, she'll outlive me and I'll never inherit. Blaise schooled his features. Channel Malfoy, now. Keep that straight face and make Mumsy happy. "Oh truly? You must tell."
Henry-the eighth, he decided to call this one, to make his life slightly less confusing- looked pleased. "Well, I heard that there was someone new moving into the neighbourhood. When I saw your mother at the Walker's party, I knew it must be her." Blaise raised a single eyebrow at his mother, pondering whether the move was strategic, or if they had finally gotten evicted from the ritzy muggle neighborhood that she'd been staying the last time he'd gone home. Merlin knew, the cycling men and strange noises had scared off at least 20 different Homeowner's associations. Good thing she'd chosed a Wizarding neighborhood this time. He expressed none of this, however, simply asking Number Eight, "And where might this new neighborhood be?"
"Wales, Blaise, and don't interrupt." Mother cut in, passing him the cream.
"Well, I knew she was the one from our first dance. She dancing really close, and wasn't shy at all. We stayed close the whole night through, and then I walked her home, and she held my hand. I knew it couldn't be just a one-night stand, from the way she looked into my eyes, and-"
Blaise covered his eyes with his hand. "Too much information. Honestly! There are some things a young man just does not need to know about his mother." Draco would get a kick out of this one. Theo would be laughing by now. On the floor. Rolling. I have impeccable self-control. He steeled himself against further surprises, and carried on. "And so you're getting married."
"Oh, yes, we're in such love." Henry gushed. "Aren't we, darling?"
Mother was clearly working hard not to roll her eyes. "Oh, yes, sweetie. We're in such love. Why, we're not even waiting. We're getting married this weekend, just a quiet little ceremony."
"That's perfectly alright, Mother. I think I'll just stay at school. NEWT level classes, now, and all." With that, Blaise picked up his cloak and made for a quick exit. The autumn wind was biting, sarcastic, cold. It seemed to mock him and his twisted family. The way men cycled through his mother's life, no one man could ever be called his father. They often tried. He called them by their last names and/or Henry Numbers, but never more intimate names. No, his family was a unit of two. He understood Mother and her little quirks and her need to consume men. She loved men, but their money more, and absolutely hated losing control more than anything else. He was the only one who truly understood the circumstances behind the demise of each and every man Skylar Philippa Zabini married. He loved his mother, despite her unwillingness to curb her appetite until he got out of school. It necesitated a certain attitude among his peers that decimated his dating options. The girls in Slytherin, unfortunately, were ugly. And his standards were higher than his mother's in that he sought beauty in his partners as well as a full vault in Gringotts. This recent...example only proved that Mum's eyes were getting worse every year. Honestly, Number Eight was fatter than Slughorn. Her only favor towards Blaise was ensuring that the wedding, and hopefully the death down the road, were quiet and only graced the newspapers for a few days. Hopefully, Potter would do something incredibly stupid next weekend and send the Zabinis to page eight. Well, Potter was incredibly talented at stupid things. He spotted Draco and Theo outside The Three Broomsticks, and caught up. There was never any harm in helping him along.

Henry Clearwater got back from his Floo Supervisory board meeting to an empty house. Hmmm, that was funny, Phillippa was supposed to meet him tonight. He threw some Floo powder into the fire, called "Zabini residence", and stepped through. His stomach got caught in the other side, and it took sucking in all of his abdominal muscles and a strong step to get out, and a quick Aquamenti! to put out his smoking robes. He looked around the deserted manor. A ghost appeared out of one of the walls.
"Was Phillie meeting you here, or did you arrive unannounced?" The ghost inquired, leaning against one of the walls, unsheathing a sword and nonchalantly sharpening it.
"Erm, unannounced, I guess, but she was supposed to be at my place an hour ago, and never showed." He backed away from the ghost. The sword's not real, it can't harm you. The sword's not real, it can't harm you.
"Well, I'm Henry the second. The first bloke, Blaise's daddy, was a one-night deal. I lasted a record four years before a fight when my little buddy said he loved my more than his Mum. Ooh, that was a bad night. Great sex, but she was all feeling my heartbeat and putting her arms around me. Then she put them around my neck...let's just say I never woke up the next morning. You're what, Henry the Eighth?"
Henry nodded slowly.
"Take it from me, that bird is a must to avoid. Nothing but trouble. She's gorgeous, a prize from the very start. Those deep eyes and full lips will invite you in, but knowing her truly is a complete impossibility."
Henry the Eighth sniffed. "Bollux. I know everything about her. She loves me."
Henry the Second laughed. "Take my advice. Play it smart, and cut out on the double before she gets into your heart. But from what I can tell, she's already there, isn't she."
Eight nodded. "I love her! Completely! And nothing you can say can besmirch her honor! Just because you befell unfortunate circumstances at the hands of a burglar-"
Two laughed. "Is that what she told you? And I guess five was a boating accident, then. You've been trapped in the web of her lies. Don't feel bad, a lot of other guys have felt like you do. She'll build up your hopes. Right when you need her the most, bye-bye to you!" The ghost swooped off, cackling. He was obviously bitter, and if there was such a thing as psychotherapy for ghosts, he needed it. Probably followed the family around whenever they moved. Oh, well. Philippa obviously wasn't here. Henry(the Eighth) Floo'd home before sending her an owl. It wasn't the first time he'd been stood up, and there was that great book on Goblin Literature he'd been looking forward to reading.

A WEEK LATER

Blaise looked at his watch once more and sighed. As of right now, his mother was married. Again.

Draco elbowed him in the side. "Zabini. We need insider information. How long will this one last? My money's on a month or less. Theo thinks your mother plans on settling, and is voting for three. Crabbe and Goyle...well, they still haven't figured out that all of these men named Henry that your mother hangs around aren't all the same person. It is confusing, I suppose. What's your bet?"

Blaise rolled his eyes. "Ten sickles on less than 48 hours."

Theo whistled. "Risky, there. What makes you so sure?"

"Mum's acting in the introduction dinner was more superficial than usual, and he has a pre-existing heart condition. It'd be easy to blame."

"Didn't she already use the heart failure once?" Pansy broke in from the other couch.

"Nope. She's done a diabetic coma, rattlesnake venom when camping in Arizona, a drowing, a burglary-gone-wrong, a suicide by his own wand, one turned criminal and got shot by the Muggle police, and one apparently fell under the romantic charms of a male giant and got buggered to death. He was a little...rough with his toys. And they haven't been able to trace a single one back to her. She won't even admit to me that she's behind them all, but-"

"We all know what she's like." Draco finished.

"Exactly."

"So, 48 hours?" Theo wrote down. "Thank you, gentlemen. Bets will be tabulated and paid out after three months or when this one bites the dust, whichever happens first."

------------------------

"Man and wife." The warlock at the ministry intoned. "And have a nice day."

Henry and Phillipa walked out of the building, smiling at the sunshine. Henry saw Phillippa lookin' his way and his heart pounded. If it got and faster, it was going to jump right out of his chest. They walked down the road and caught a flying carpet, invisible of course, back to the manor. Riding on the magic carpet, Henry leaned forward and whispered in Philippa's ear. "Baby, can't you hear my heartbeat? It's pounding because you're the one I love."

Philippa sighed and reclined into his chest. "Yes, darling. I'm mighty glad I found you, too."

Philippa parked the magic carpet ride on the back lawn. They dashed inside right as it started pouring down rain. "Oh, no!" Cried Henry. "The carpet!"

"Don't go out into the rain, sugar. Come and sit here by the fire for a spell." Philippa patted the couch next to her. She crawled onto his lap, kissing his face, his eyes, his lips. The kiss deepened and Henry began moaning. Philippa wrapped her arms around his neck, tightening them gradually. With a horny, distracted man under her, it was simple to tighten her arms, then hands around his neck, while ensuring with her mouth that he wasn't getting oxygen from there. Eventually, the groaning stopped, and she jumped off her latest husband, waving her wand in a scanning charm over his body to make sure that he was dead. She Flooed Saint Mungos, looking like the perfectly distraught wife.

For the next two hours, her carpet was getting trampled by Healers, Aurors, and that bloke from the morgue. She gave the scene one final look and stoically walked up the stairs.

---------------------

When Blaise found her, she was filing her nails and singing quietly to herself. "There's a kind of hush, all over the world tonight." She looked up at him. "Oh, hello, darling. Henry the Eighth was ever the noisy one. I'll be quite relieved when this is all over."

He smiled tolerantly at his mother. "They've cleared out now, and I've taken care of the paperwork. Why don't you get away from all the memories" and all the men "here and go on a nice holiday. I've booked you a room for three months at an all-women resort in the Caribbean."

"That sounds lovely, darling. No tempting men, there, either. They are such a hassle to put up with once you've married them."

--------------------

Blaise is having fun. Theo thought, looking over at his friend. It's been long enough. Maybe this'll take his mind off of things with his mum. They were having a party in the common room, for no other reason than that it was a Friday in late November, and they were bored. Suddenly, an owl swooped in through the open portrait hole, heading straight for Blaise and dropping a letter on his head. He opened it, turned white, and promptly fainted.

A look that was almost…concerned graced Theo's features. He bent over and wrestled the letter out of Zabini's still hand.

Darling,

I'm having a blast here. My hair is getting lighter, it's so warm all the time, and the food is fantastic. Most importantly, I've met this fabulous woman named Henrietta. I'm bringing her home with me, so please make sure the House Elves haven't destroyed the house while I've been away.
Much love,

Mum.

drabble...

supergreak — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 05:07:51 GMT

Investigating- a moment of curiosity, fourth year
Drabble
G, James, Lily, Severus

James perked his ears as he followed the faint strains of beautiful piano playing. He tugged his cloak tighter, careful, don’t want detention. The music got louder. It was fast, bouncy, complex. Louder still. The door ahead was propped open, warm light emerging. There, head bowed over a baby grand, was Lily, sheets of red hair flickering in the light and obscuring the visage of the other player. The four hands moved faster than lightning over the ivory keys as James crept closer. With a resounding chord, the music stopped. His lovely Lily laughed. "We’re better than ever, Sev." Damn.