it's all in the subtext.

Muse List

sub_textual — Mon, 20 Jan 2014 05:01:05 GMT

Bleach
- Kusajishi Yachiru little_terror

Doctor Who
- Tenth Doctor je_dit_allonsy

Gintama
- Sakata Gintoki gin_san @ luceti

Heroes
- Peter Petrelli ad_salvatio

Naruto
- Hatake Kakashi ura_no_ura @ luceti
- Uchiha Madara parousian

The Vampire Diaries
- Damon Salvatore eternal_stud

[Art] Kakashi/Iruka art dump

sub_textual — Sat, 07 May 2011 02:37:20 GMT

I've been making art.

I've been making a lot of art. So this is a small art dump of two images that I just finished.

Title: Never Fall Away
Pairing: Kakashi/Iruka
Rating: PG-13
Tools: Wacom Bamboo, PaintTool Sai, Photoshop CS3
Time Taken: 2 days
Deviant Art: Link Here

Title: Waking Up Beside You
Pairing: Kakashi/Iruka
Rating: PG-13
Tools: Pencil, Ink, Wacom Bamboo, PaintTool Sai, Photoshop CS3
Time Taken: 12-24 hrs
Deviant Art: Link Here

I'm a bit unhappy with the way Kakashi came out. So girly! He was supposed to come out manly. Oh well. Practice makes better, right?

Take Back the Night @ Brown

sub_textual — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 03:44:01 GMT

Tonight, I attended a Take Back the Night march and rally. It's been storming here in New England, so I wasn't sure how many people would turn out -- and it ended up only being a small group of people, but what was incredible about this particular march is that the majority of those who came out to show support were men. Even one fraternity came out in support, dressed in their Greek letters.

We carried signs and handed out fliers and chanted as we walked through Brown's campus in the rain, and even marched through several dorms -- including a few frat houses -- and through a couple of student rec areas and dining halls. While a few people did join us on the march as we continued, what I was rather relieved about was the lack of opposition that I heard might have occurred. In past years at Brown, frats protested Take Back the Night with extremely hurtful and misogynistic signs and counter-chants. This year, we did not receive any resistance or opposition at all.

Though the vast majority of participants were undergrads, and the grad community was severely under-represented, I was really glad that I got to participate this year, especially as it culminates Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

Some of the things we chanted:

"Take back the night / the time is near / we will not be controlled by fear!"
"Women / United/ Will never be defeated!"
"2 4 6 8 No more date rape!"
"Yes means yes / No means no / Whatever we wear / Wherever we go"
"Out of the halls and into the streets / We won't be raped, we won't be beat"
"Hey hey / ho ho / date rape has got to go!"
"People unite / Take back the night!"

It was really quite encouraging and heartening to see all these guys -- especially frat guys walking through the streets and going into other frat houses chanting, "Women / United / Will never be defeated!" -- especially since there were way more men at this particular march than women (a particularly sobering and disappointing fact).

Of course, sexual assault and rape happens to men as well, but it was still quite encouraging to see men take a stand against sexual violence and assault and not feel a shred of embarrassment screaming, "WOMEN UNITED!"

Some statistics:

Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted

1 out of every 4 women are raped on a college campus

1 out of every 6 women are raped in America

1 out of every 10 men are raped in America

15 out of 16 rapists will never spend a day in jail

Approximately 2/3 of assaults are committed by someone known to the victim

Procrastinating, FTW?

sub_textual — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 23:04:24 GMT

So here I am writing an LJ post instead of writing a response paper that is already two hours late.

As you guys have probably noticed by now, I've been doing a fantastic job procrastinating by means of artwork. Ever since I received my new Wacom Bamboo tablet, all I seem to want to do is paint. But alas! I have this thing called an academic job of sorts that requires me to do a lot of work and drains the life out of me. Which actually is only part of the reason why I've been mostly absent on LJ during the course of this past year.

I am wrapping up the first year of my PhD program, which is kind of crazy since it feels like just yesterday, I was freaking out on this LJ about applying to programs. And here we are, and I'm actually...well, mostly surviving! It has been a crazy year for sure, and when I have more time I will write about it... and about my trip to Cancun which I still haven't had a chance to edit/resize pictures from (because I'd rather paint fan art than resize and edit 300 some odd pictures...)

I really should be writing on Thomas Middleton's Women Beware Women.

...sigh.

I really can't wait for this semester to be over; Early Modernism/Renaissance stuff is so not my thing and it's been a constant source of academic frustration for me.

[Art] RESOLVE - Kakashi

sub_textual — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 08:59:52 GMT

Title: RESOLVE
Character: Hatake Kakashi
Rating: PG-13 for blood
Notes: This took approximately 8 hours in Adobe Photoshop CS4 with a Wacom Bamboo tablet, with a photo reference. I'm still pretty meh about Kakashi's hair here, so I may come back and retouch it down the road.

- I always imagine Kakashi to be lazy as hell and he probably doesn't shave very much if he can get away with it! I also prefer imagining him with facial hair. *_*

- This is not a photo manipulation.

And here is the closeup for detail:

[Art] Umino Iruka

sub_textual — Sun, 17 Apr 2011 23:05:32 GMT

Title: Umino Iruka
Rating: G
Tools: Adobe Photoshop CS4; Wacom Bamboo; reference
Notes: Feedback welcome!

Cancun!

sub_textual — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 23:21:16 GMT

I just spent a week in Cancun! More later with pix.

I still exist.

sub_textual — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 00:35:36 GMT

No, really.

It's been a long time, hasn't it, LJ? I haven't updated this thing in months. I wish I had a good reason for not updating, but really I don't. Part of it is because I became extremely dependent on Plurk (which is like microblogging on speed) so I just didn't feel the need to write here as much since I was (and still am) on Plurk all the time.

But lately, I've been thinking I should start using this LJ again.

So, how is everyone? What have you guys been up to these past few months? Updates would be lovely. I'm going to start reading my friends list and commenting again, too.

Writer's Block: Cause or symptom?

sub_textual — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 10:26:34 GMT

The media constructs cultural values. The end.

Yes, I'm alive.

sub_textual — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 06:29:52 GMT

Clearly, judging by the fic chapters I've been posting, I am alive.

I have just been extremely fucking busy. Grad school has been eating me alive.

Will try to post something of more substantial length soon.

I miss you all dearly.

Would love to hear what you guys have been up to.

[FIC] what dreams may come - chapter 2 [Kakashi/Iruka]

sub_textual — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 06:00:00 GMT

Title: what dreams may come
Pairing: Kakashi/Iruka | Iruka/Kakashi
Author: Kuri (sub_textual) for Kakashi and Shi (shi_chan06) for Iruka
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Semi-AU. Kakashi and Iruka return without their memories of sharing a life together, and find each other once more through dreams. Set in post-fourth war canon.
Warning: Images of violence, gore, character death (not KakaIru!), and also a lot of porn at the end.

( he wakes with a gasp, heart thundering, slamming against the inside of his chest -- pulse so loud, he can hear it in his ears, even above the rush of breath that has his head spinning with dizziness and need and so much want he hasn't felt since before the war )

[FIC] what dreams may come - chapter 1 [Kakashi/Iruka]

sub_textual — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 09:05:08 GMT

Title: what dreams may come
Pairing: Kakashi/Iruka | Iruka/Kakashi
Author: Kuri (sub_textual) for Kakashi and Shi (shi_chan06) for Iruka
Rating: R
Summary: Semi-AU. Kakashi and Iruka return without their memories of sharing a life together, and find each other once more through dreams. Set in post-fourth war canon.
Notes: Nonlinear timeline; dense, complicated narrative with shifting narrators and points of view.

He's not sure how it begins, only how it ends.

They sit on a stretch of white sand, hand in hand, watching waves lap against the shore. It is summer, and the sky stretches wide and endless above. The blue seems to go on forever, and Kakashi almost thinks for a moment that maybe it does. That this moment might last as long as the sky is high, and if he closes his eyes he might be able to pretend that it will. Even if nothing lasts forever, because it never can. Not the endlessness of the sky, or the calmness of the sea, or this moment where he sits hand in hand with a man whose face is blotted out by the brightness of the sun. The glow illuminates him, cuts a silhouette out of him in light.

"The tide is rising," he says, and ( Kakashi thinks he can picture a smile fading in those words. )

Silence is never the answer (pt II)

sub_textual — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 22:50:09 GMT

Throughout the course of this week, as I was seeking advice on what to do in terms of my addressing my assault, not only did I encounter a reoccuring strain of ideology that promoted avoidance of the issue, but I also encountered those who thought it would be best for me to deal with the situation with discretion and as quickly as possible. I have also been told that I should be careful with who I talk about this situation to because they might think of me as a "damaged woman" and that this event will somehow overshadow the quality of my work and intellect; moreover, I've been told that some people in the program (most likely people I am not very close to, because those close to me continue to be extremely and outwardly supportive), have been talking shit about me in a disparaging manner.

All of this talk of silence, discretion, and "being careful" is not anything that is new to me -- I have written in the past about the problem with staying silent:

I refuse to hide behind this line of social acceptance and making the rest of the world comfortable. I do NOT want to be ashamed about who I am and what has happened to me. I did not ask for this. I did not ask for it to happen to me.

To insinuate or imply that I should not state outright, the fact that this has occurred to me, as a credible reason when I protest in any space, whether it be public or private, whether it be in a classroom, in the workplace, or in an online chatroom, something I consider intrinsically harmful and oppressive to me and my sexuality and my gender, and all women, to tell me that it is "problematic" is completely unacceptable.

To tell me that I am "overreacting" or that I am "taking it too seriously" is symptomatic of a larger problem: this kind of shit is so socially accepted that the victim is the one who always must make concessions for the betterment and the comfort of the rest of the world she lives in, and must remain silent about the fact about what has happened because the rest of the world should be the one that should be comfortable while the victim, who has just been reminded of what has happened to her, and of all the other women out there that these things happen to, should remain silent because it is not acceptable for her to exist.

In fact, she shouldn't even exist. It's better if she doesn't, and better if she remains silent on the matter and not speak out her opinion in any environment she deems necessary because it is that important, for the sake of the common good.

Or so people like to think.

Well, fuck that shit.

If people will change what they think of me and how they interact with me based on their knowledge that I am a survivor of sexual assault by someone in the program, then those people don't need to be in my life. To a certain degree, academia functions differently than the regular business world in the sense that the work we do is extremely personal, and in the fact that our personal and professional lives intersect in a very unique and different way from the way workplace environments outside of academia function. I am passionate enough about my cause, and about the fact that I refuse to be silenced that I would rather not have those individuals as political allies and part of my professional and social network, than to have such narrowminded, uninformed, ignorant individuals who would rather talk shit about me causing "unnecessary drama" taking up my time when I can be spending it on more positive people who do understand why this "drama" has occurred and how necessary conversation on it actually is.

Via Shakesville:

Rape culture is 1 in 6 women being sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. Rape culture is not even talking about the reality that many women are sexually assaulted multiple times in their lives. Rape culture is the way in which the constant threat of sexual assault affects women's daily movements. Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you're alone, if you're with a stranger, if you're in a group, if you're in a group of strangers, if it's dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you're carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you're wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who's around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who's at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn't follow all the rules it's your fault.

That we live in a society where so many men and especially women buy into the myths rape culture perpetuates is incredibly problematic. To reiterate once more: I should not have to be the one who has to remain silent, make concessions, and change my life in order to make my attacker more comfortable, or the people who have to deal with us both. And the reason why I speak so vocally and loudly on the issue, and on the fact that this did happen, is not because I enjoy drama, but because sexual assault is something that far too often is covered up. It lives in the shadows, under the veil, and the secrecy that surrounds it suggests that one who has experienced this must treat it as a source of shame instead of a source of anger and a cataclysmic event from which to take action -- to show that injustice has occurred and that it cannot continue, that it must be addressed and that it must not be kept quiet. I have spoken loudly to anyone who will listen and to those who might not want to listen, because this must be heard. Because if there is a sexually violent individual amongst us, their identities must be known as silence only protects the offender, who very well might have offended before, and very well may continue to offend. This is why convicted rapists and sexual predators are listed on a public database. Sexual harassers and those who might commit sexual assault are just as dangerous. While the crime may not be as egregious as the convicted, the effects remain largely the same: the victim must bear the burden and the memory of the violation forever. His/her life is forever changed. And no amount of justice or disciplinary punishment can ever change what has occurred, can never undo the hurt or retract the violation. That violation stays with you forever.

The one thing that gives me comfort is through speaking about what happened, is through having a voice in the matter, is through a refusal to stay silent and reclaim parts of myself by taking ownership over the event and raising awareness about it, to prevent it from ever occurring again and to also prevent it from occurring to any other woman who might, in the future, find herself in the same room with my attacker and discover that he is as inebriated as he was the night that he thought it a good idea to repeatedly attack me. I speak on this because I cannot live with the idea that if I were to not speak, to stay silent on the issue, to put my head down and simply avoid this man, to allow his behavior to continue, that someone else will one day be attacked. And I would be complicit in that attack, even if I am not the one attacking the victim, for I had not spoken, for I had kept silent, and my silence is in effect, an action, a choice to not act.

Today I was told by someone I deeply respect that she was similarly attacked by my attacker in December, and that she chose to not report him, but instead tried to stay in his life as a friend to help him. Her story sounds very similar to mine. But one thing that stays with me and will stay with me forever is that she said, "This will haunt me forever. If I had reported him back then, maybe I could have prevented what happened to you."

Why do I speak, then? Why do I not stay silent? Because silence is never the answer.

Responsibility

sub_textual — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 04:45:28 GMT

I don't really understand this tendency to place all the responsibility upon the victim. It seems to be that everyone has this mentality that the victim of sexual assault or harassment should be the one making all these precautions in order to somehow prevent things from happening or to allow their attacker to continue enjoying the quality of life they were used to before the attack.

Tonight someone told me that they thought it was unreasonable for me to think that my attacker could change his habits overnight because he is an alcoholic. Well, considering the fact that he fucking assaulted me and violated me, I don't think that it is unreasonable at all. I don't know why everyone keeps telling me that I should be the one to avoid these parties, and to not "put myself in that type of situation" where my attacker might just have a drink in his hand. Why is it that it becomes my responsibility to alter my happiness and lifestyle in order to make it easier for him when he was the one who did this terrible thing to me?

Seriously, what the fuck is up with this type of mentality that is constantly expecting the victim to make concessions or lifestyle changes? That is just not something I understand at all.

Responses to the post below will come tomorrow. I am extremely exhausted but I just wanted to get this thought out of my head before I went to bed.

Bureacratic nightmare

sub_textual — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 22:03:39 GMT

Thanks to everyone who commented on my previous post. I would respond to each of you individually but I am so exhausted at the moment, and emotionally drained and lacking of time, that I just have to comment to all of you here at large. Your support to me has meant a lot and I really appreciate it. Reading words of support has been extremely helpful for me, especially knowing that all of you are standing behind me on this.

I went ahead and started the entire reporting process today and encountered a bureacratic nightmare.

Apparently, when the case goes to the judiciary committee, it will be adjudicated by a dean, a faculty member, and a graduate student. Furthermore, I would be required to submit three witnesses. Yes. Witnesses. To an incident happened in the privacy of my own home. So this is just some of the ridiculous bureacratic red tape within a university that pretty much makes it a not only a nightmare, but a political mess considering the fact that these witnesses cannot be anonymous and/or confidential. This leads me to my next point: no one wants to be a witness, because no one wants to get involved in political bullshit that not only is disruptive to the environment of the graduate school, but also does, in fact, interfere with time they can be spending on getting work done.

So. I guess what I am saying is. Essentially I don't have very many options because even if this does go to a panel, it will ultimately become my word vs his. And that's not going to lead anywhere at all.

I've asked instead for an official mediation session where I will impress upon him the need to get alcoholism treatment and he will also be given the option of going on medical leave to deal with his issues, since alcohol is the root of his threatening behavior. I'm hoping that will help.

In the meanwhile, there is a No Contact Order between the two of us, which means he cannot contact me directly or through an intermediary/third party.

Anyway. So there's the update on what's been going on so far.

Silence is never the answer.

sub_textual — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 05:37:13 GMT

"My best advice to you would be to avoid him."

I've heard this "advice" several times now, from several women in our program who have either witnessed my attacker in various states of disorderly drunkenness or have themselves been victims of his harassment and abuse while under the influence. What strikes me as particularly upsetting and alarming is the thought that avoidance alone will somehow make the problem go away -- this man is someone who has no respect for women or for boundaries, someone who is clearly remorseless of his actions and has no intent to change for the better or to begin on working towards a more positive direction to address his alcoholism which he blames for his violent and terrifying behavior towards women. Avoiding him might only deter the possibility of being assaulted, but it doesn't remove the gripping fear, it also doesn't address the problem at hand: that there actually is a problem that has not been dealt with, that people in fact, refuse to deal with, that even he himself might not believe is a very large, and very scary problem.

This is the problem: this guy sexually assaulted me, and other women in our program. To this day, he has been held unaccountable of his actions. From what I know, I am the only person that has ever actually confronted him about his actions while under the influence in an aggressive and straight-forward manner, and at the time I believed him to be truly regretful and remorseful of his actions -- his regret, I thought, was marked by the fact that he 1.) was hysterically crying, 2.) had multiple panic attacks that I had to calm him down from; and 3.) actually vomited from being so upset. However, not two weeks after my confrontation with him -- a confrontation wherein he promised to get help and to control his drinking so that he doesn't drink anymore because when he drinks, he always loses control (his words, not mine), there he was with a beer at a barbecue I was attending.

Upon confrontation (a private and discreet one, I might add, where I simply asked him, "Shouldn't you not be drinking?"), he very unapologetically and sarcastically shot back with, "Shouldn't you not be babysitting me?"

Considering the fact that you sexually assaulted me in my own home, asshole, you better bet I will always have an eye on what kind of drink is in your hand. But to that end, he is right: I should not be babysitting him, he should have better self-control and common sense. He made a promise to me that he would not drink, and the "one chance" I agreed to give him was a chance to prove to me that he would take steps to better himself and to stop this type of behavior. Within two weeks, he broke that promise, and this, to me, is a sign that this man is not someone who even deserved that first chance, and that I will now aggressively and unhesitatingly take official action against him. (Note: I ended up having to leave the barbecue early because I was increasingly uncomfortable, scared, and upset about the fact that he kept on drinking. I heard that after I left, he got incredibly drunk and made a fool out of himself.)

But what troubles me about all of this is the reluctance that his peers, my older colleagues have towards the idea of reporting him. Even those who have had bad experiences with him justify what is not an inability to report, but an excuse to not report with the following rhetoric: this man is one of their colleagues and/or is in their cohort; they simply would like peace and quiet and do not want to deal with any drama, and would rather simply "avoid" him. As though avoidance in and of itself would somehow change the fact that this guy is actively harassing and assaulting women when he is drunk and then claims he doesn't remember any of it because he was drunk.

What has occurred to me tonight is that the choice to not take action is actually a decision that suggests a complicity in this man's actions. While I can respect an individual for not being ready, or not feeling safe or right to come forth and report, I am finding it increasingly difficult to respect the universal complicity of everyone who knows this guy and actually continues to let him get away with his bullshit without calling him on it or doing something about it. I love my program, I love this school, and I love the people in it, I think they are some of the most interesting and wonderful people I've met in my life. But to sit back and to allow this to continue knowing what he is capable of or what he has already done makes me violently sick. To the point where I can't even get work done. This, in a sense, is starting to completely disrupt my life because I do not feel safe, secure, or comfortable with the fact that this guy has been doing this and everyone is suggesting that I do nothing about it but avoid him.

It is impossible for me to avoid this man. I live in the same building as him and I refuse to move. I refuse to be the one to pick up my things in my beautiful apartment which I want to make into my home and be scared away. I am in the same program as him, a program that promotes collegiality and camaraderie and thus has many community events. I am even in one of the same classes as him. How can I avoid him? How can I feel safe without actually taking action? Without making him realize that there are very real consequences for his actions? And how can anyone believe that simply avoiding the issue is somehow a solution?

Tonight, someone told me, "I hope the situation resolves itself." How, exactly, can something like this resolve itself? How can any avoidance and silence on the issue and a refusal to act somehow address a very huge problem? What I am apalled by and taken back by is the fact that no one seems to realize that the choice to not act is a choice and an action. You are actively deciding that it is either not worth the trouble, time, or patience to deal with a problem that I now believe to be a very real threat to all the women in our program and to my university's community -- as well as to any female undergraduate students that will be in his classes in the next two years.

Well, fuck that.

I refuse to be complicit in this bullshit. I'm reporting this guy tomorrow, and I will do whatever it takes that is within my power to ensure that what happened to me does not happen again or to anyone else.

No means no.

sub_textual — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 02:46:12 GMT

Warning: The contents of this post may be triggering.

I sit here writing this in a state of disgust, fear, hurt, anger, confusion, shock, dismay, disappointment, and feelings of violation and vulnerability that I have been fighting all day.

Last night, when I came home at 12:30am, I discovered that my neighbor's front door was wide open. My neighbor, who I will call A in this post, is one of my colleagues. We are, or rather, we were friends. He was someone who I always liked a lot and was extremely excited about sharing a house with, because I always got along with him and had a lot of respect for him. Up until last night, he has always treated me graciously and with respect, always the perfect gentleman. I have never felt unsafe around him, and he has never once made an advance towards me. This is a person who I enjoyed talking to, someone who I looked forward to working with, and someone who is starting his second year of his PhD. I considered whether or not to friends lock this post and realized that it would be better for me to write it openly and honestly than to try and protect him. There should be no reason why I am protecting him after what he did last night. There should be no reason why I should feel that I need to mask his identity more than I already have with the shortening of his name to a single letter here in this blog post when the violation of my own personal safety, security, and the sanctuary of my body and home was caused by him.

To continue with my story.

A was having a lot of people over. Music was blasting and his door was wide open. I was worried that anyone could simply walk into his apartment, and wanted to warn him to close his door. He invited me in and I thought nothing of it because there were many people over from my program and the Comp Lit program, people who I haven't seen in months who I was happy to see, and some new people who I haven't met. I couldn't tell that A was intoxicated at all because he carried himself so well that I was certain he was sober. He told me he only had three drinks and I had no reason to doubt him with how well he carried himself. Eventually, people cleared out of his apartment, leaving only him and me and the person who had overtaken his bedroom, leaving A with nowhere to sleep. Considering the state of his apartment, I felt bad that he had nowhere to sleep except for on the floor, and offered to let him spend the night on my couch. I thought that surely, my roommate would be back before it got too late.

I was wrong.

At first things were okay. I showed A around my apartment. There was nothing too strange that occurred until he decided to pull me into his lap which is something plenty of my male friends have done. I thought nothing of it because of that. But when he started to come onto me, nuzzling me, smelling my hair, trying to kiss me, I tried to get him to stop. I told him I just wanted to be friends and I didn't think this was a good idea. I told him that I didn't want him to kiss me or touch me like this and I would appreciate if we could keep things platonic. Keep in mind, again, this is my colleague. This is someone who I essentially work with. PhD candidates are not merely students. We are paid profesional academics whose job is our research and to also teach undergraduate classes. This is someone who I will see all the time. This is someone who I share a house with. This is not someone who I want any kind of sexual relationship with or who I want to be intimate with.

He would not take no for an answer. He would not stop.

It took me having to tell him that I was a survivor of rape to get him to stop at all. We talked a little bit about what happened, and then we went back inside. I thought that he understood that I wasn't interested in him and wanted nothing to do with him that was sexual. Much to my dismay, the next thing he did was take over my bed. At this point I realized that he was most likely very wasted and tried to get him out of it. He refused to leave my bed regardless of the amount of pleading I tried. He then decided to help himself to my bathroom and took a shower, after which he walked around my apartment in nothing but a towel. He would not put on clothing until I continued to badger him. Once he had on clothing, he didn't think it was a good idea to leave, despite how uncomfortable I obviously was. I also didn't know how to ask him to leave without strange repercussions such as political departmental issues that I don't want to have when I haven't even started graduate school yet, or issues with the fact that we live in the same fucking house. But most of all, I was afraid of making him angry.

After this point, I spent a good two hours trying to convince him to calm down and go to sleep on my couch so I could be left alone since he clearly wasn't very interested in leaving and I didn't really know what to do. He took this time to continuously come onto me despite repeated attempts of me telling him very firmly to stop and "no." He also kept trying to plead with me to let him sleep in my bed and kept trying to get back into my room which I had locked to make sure he couldn't get into it. He came up with a sob story of why he needed someone to sleep next to because of how lonely he was. Meanwhile, I was hoping that if I could just placate him enough to fall asleep I could get away from him. What I was most afraid of was making him angry. I was terrified that if I made him angry that he would rape me. I had no doubt in my mind that with how intoxicated he was he could have easily done worse than the forced attempts to kiss me (literally, he grabbed my face and tried to make me kiss him more than once, he kissed other parts of me, put his hands on places I didn't want, wouldn't stop touching me despite how much I asked) if he was angry and that was the last thing I wanted to do, especially since it looked like my roommate wasn't going to come home last night. I didn't know what to do. I kept reminding him that I've been raped before. That this was scaring me. That I wasn't comfortable with him here. That I didn't like the things that he was doing. I kept saying that I didn't want to do the things he wanted me to do. I kept telling him that he was being disrespectful towards me. It wasn't until I flat out said, "You are really upsetting me" that he seemed to understand the message. At which point he apologized and excused himself and finally went back downstairs to his own apartment. I don't know where he slept last night. I don't care.

Afterwards, I couldn't do anything other than huddle in front of my computer and talk to jaquiel. I felt so incredibly disgusted with myself and with him. I could feel his hands on me and his mouth on me then, and I still can now. I could smell him on me. I couldn't go into my bedroom. I couldn't use the shower because he used it. I was in shock then and I still am, to some extent, in shock now. I can't believe that this happened. I can't believe that my own colleague did this, someone I previously called a friend. Most of all, I can't believe that he couldn't understand the basic idea that no means no. That when someone says stop, you have to stop. That it does not mean you can continue. That it does not mean you can just keep forcing yourself upon a person in hopes that maybe they might somehow reciprocate those very unwanted, very nonconsensual touches. I don't know why he didn't seem to understand these things. I don't care how much alcohol he had to drink or what drugs he might have been on. What matters is that this home which I had considered to be safe is no longer safe. What matters is the couch I lovingly and happily picked out is now a piece of furniture I don't want to sit on, my bed is a place I don't want to rest on, and my shower is still a place I don't want to go into. What matters is my body no longer feels entirely like my own.

I still have not taken a shower today because of it. Because I think about the fact that these safe spaces were violated by him, and that my own security and sense of happiness here was totally blasted away by this person who I didn't even recognize. I really thought I knew A. I thought I knew the type of person he was. I had no idea he would do anything like this. I'm still in shock. I also hate that I was so scared that I tried to placate him and make him go to sleep instead of aggressively trying to throw him out which is probably what I should have done. Maybe if I made enough noise and screamed enough the neighbors would have heard and called the police and I wouldn't be sitting here thinking that I shouldn't have tried to humor him out of the sheer fear that if I didn't go along with the things he wanted me to do short of giving into all of his sexual advances, that I would be raped.

Shortly before dawn, I managed to fall asleep in my bed. I locked all my doors and lied awake for a very, very long time. I don't know what to do.

moving is exhausting.

sub_textual — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 05:00:20 GMT

I am exhausted.

The past week has been comprised of nothing but running around and unpacking and moving and building furniture and well, you guys get the idea. I am so ridiculously tired, I feel like I might fall asleep at my keyboard. I've also not really been on AIM or roleplayed in over a week now. That is kind of scary when I think about it, especially when I consider that I barely even noticed that week went by because of how busy I am. Really, from the time I get up to the time I go to bed, I'm doing stuff in the apartment or am outside buying things for the apartment.

Speaking of apartment... Pictures will be coming soon once I finish with the decorations and all that fun stuff. The apartment is really starting to come together but it is just extremely tiring.

ON A GOOD NOTE... we have FIOS! Which means our internet is ridiculously fast. This makes Kuri a happy Kree.

What have I missed this week? How are you guys?

New apartment

sub_textual — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 12:52:21 GMT

I've more or less settled into my new apartment. Need to buy a ton of furniture. Am currently without internet and am posting from phone.

My rooms are smaller than i originally estimated so i'll have to figure out how i want to decorate. Augh moving is such hard work!

AAAHHHHH MOVING

sub_textual — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 03:12:43 GMT

I am moving in three days (7/29) to Providence.

Oh. My. God.

I still have so much shit to pack it's not even funny. Actually, it's very unfunny. I'm kind of freaking out here. SO MUCH TO DO, NOT ENOUGH TIME. NOT ENOUGH BOXES. ;_____; And SO MUCH DUST. I keep sneezing! Ahhhhhh....

flibbergibbet, I look forward to being close to you to visit! It's been a long time since I've seen you!

I will be without internet from 7/29 to 8/4. T___T;;

HOW WILL I SURVIVE.

4TH WALL EVENT AT KANNAGARA

sub_textual — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 01:38:52 GMT

4TH WALL EVENT @ KANNAGARA STARTS TONIGHT

Canon, AU, original muses, muns, and sockpuppets invited!

12:00AM EST

Inception

sub_textual — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 09:37:35 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66TuSJo4dZM

I totally want to see this!

Cars, cars, cars

sub_textual — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 03:01:34 GMT

I have a bit of a dilemma.

I have to lease a car in two weeks so I've been doing a bit of research into cars. Because I suck at parallel parking, I thought that it would be a good idea to get something like a Volkswagen with its Active Park Assist which essentially parallel parks for you. The Lincoln MXS also offers this but it's like a $40,000 car so that isn't happening.

Anyway as it is, the VW with the Park Assist system is apparently not available in the US for some ungodly reason that I do not understand. So that means now I am stuck with the task of researching other cars and having to learn how to parallel park.

This is pretty much what I need:

- Under $25,000
- With GPS navigation
- With rear view camera
- Relatively small car

... uh. I have no idea where to start. I have never owned a car before. I have never done any car shopping before. Does anyone here have any car shopping experience or know what are good cars to look into?

Also.

sub_textual — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 19:13:19 GMT

I have been thinking. I am probably going to make a separate real life journal that doesn't really touch upon my fandom life as much. Who amongst you would be interested in reading such a thing? There is plenty that I don't write about here because of... well, too many reasons. But I'm not sure whether or not to make a journal for this purpose, or to not even bother journaling? Alternatively, I know I could just make a filter but I think due to my grad school pursuits and the amount of colleagues on LJ in my program, I may want to separate my fandom life from my personal life.

Guilty pleasure...

sub_textual — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 18:58:53 GMT

Donuts.

I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THEM.

*__* I keep eating donuts. They are like, SO BAD FOR ME.

But if they are so bad, then why are they just SO GOOD? Argh. I'm actually eating one right now. Usually I go for Bostom Creme, but lately I've been getting just regular glazed donuts. They go perfectly with my iced lattes, which I drink with no sugar added. The donuts are sweet enough.