...but why is the rum gone?

Thursday May 28: watching my first game of golf is exercise

stupidfool — Sat, 30 May 2026 00:12:47 GMT

When my alarm goes off Thursday morning, no cats are in bed with me. James did wake me up briefly when I was almost asleep last night, but other than that, they were good. I get up and get signed in and drag myself through the morning routine. My meetings start at 10, but right before 11, the 11:00 meeting gets canceled! So I spend that time resetting the downstairs, proofreading and posting yesterday’s lj entry, and eating my bento box. When I’m done with that, I join my 12:00 meeting and when that’s over, I get changed and go out for a walk. I do my regular route plus go to Kroger to get carrots and berries for the next round of bento boxes.

When I get home, I cool down, sign back in, and get a late shower. I eat my pretzel bites and then I start looking at something for work and get sucked into an actual work problem, where the vendor inexplicably made a bad update to over 14,000 records… but it was like two years ago! Lori and I spend the rest of the workday trying to figure out why. And in between that, my mom sends updates on my dad, who was discharged today… but is still convinced that militia attacks are imminent. He’s glad they made it out of the hospital without the men with machine guns getting to them. He says those men were watching his roommate almost the whole time, so he only went for walks when they weren’t there. Also, they stole his prescription card because they have a scheme where they steal money from Marc’s using people’s prescription cards.
So then my mom showed him their prescription cards in their wallets, and he was confused about how “they” scanned them and put them back so quickly.
He’s also wearing a diaper still but doesn’t seem to know that, and thinks he has an external catheter?! Basically he’s delirious, and my work issue is super confusing, and I’m just back and forth between the two issues. Lori and I do make some headway, but then I have to stop right at 4:30 to eat and get ready to go to Nate’s golf match.

It’s a 45-minute drive to the golf course, and I get there a little before the match is supposed to start. My sister had said we would walk the course, but it turns out they’re requiring each golfer to have a cart (driven by an adult) because this course is much more spread out than a normal golf course. The way they play is weird—Nate’s team is split up into teams of 3, and they play against three players from the other team. They start at a randomly-assigned hole, and other golfers start at other holes, and they work their way around the course in order from wherever they start. So we start at hole 5, and it’s so far away that we have to take the cart there. So Sherri, Nate, Ryan, and I all pile in their golf cart, and Sherri arranges for Nick to ride with Michael (another golfer in Nate’s group of 3) and his dad.

As far as playing, each kid hits a ball, and then they pick the best shot of those three, and then all three kids move their balls to that spot… and repeat. So you really only need one good kid, and the other two kids are just there for fun. The good kid on Nate’s team is Michael. A few times, they use Nate’s shot on some of the putts. And a few times, they use the girl’s shots for really long drives. But most of the time, Michael’s shots are the best.
Then for scoring, they don’t actually keep a running score. Instead, they track total strokes on the individual hole and whichever team does better gets the point. The holes are grouped into groups of 3, and if you win two of the three holes, then you get the “flag”. And the only thing that counts are “flags”. So the whole thing is very strange… and also, we are the only group that doesn’t fit easily on a golf cart, so Sherri, Nick, and I are walking. I’d planned on walking, but I thought we’d be walking with the golfers and we’d all be going at the same pace. But instead, everybody is riding the carts and then the three of us are practically jogging to get from one hole to the next, and even just to get from the tee box down to the green. Also, the entire golf course is full of steep hills, up and down like crazy. So this is way more exercise than I’d ever imagined!! I’m definitely getting sweaty and I’m definitely going to have to shower again! But it is nice to be able to watch Nate play, and it turns out that they're planning on staying an extra day down here. Like, the whole team is staying in a nearby hotel tonight, so they’re going back to the hotel to have pizza and hang out and stuff. They possibly might do something as a team tomorrow during the day. But then Sherri and family are also planning on staying the next night, probably closer to Columbus. They want to come see the cats at some point. I say for sure, and the only other thing I have planned is that I told Rebekah I’d help her with the kids sometime over the weekend… but I don’t have a specific date or time for that yet either. I joke, “so, it’s whoever gets to me first!”
Really, I’ll try to work something out so I can see both of them… but with my sister’s plans not set yet, I can’t very well try to schedule Rebekah around her now, so I will just have to wait and see.

The match ends around 8:30 and we perhaps take the long way back to the front, because if there’s any sort of ceremony or declaration of a winner, we miss it. Sherri takes some pictures of us on the putting green (which is at the top of a hill with all kinds of trees and a beautiful sunset; it really is a pretty course) and then they want to rush to leave so they can get back to the hotel and not miss the team gathering there, so we just say goodbye and I head back.

I get to the exit for my house around 9:30, and there’s a Target right off this exit. (This is not the direction I normally come from.) I still need to get more of a gift for Sophie before Monday, so I decide to just run in and see if I can find a cute Snoopy/pokemon/cat/Lego outfit or toy. I spend kind of a long time looking all over the baby/toddler section, but I find nothing! I’m really not even sure what I’m going to do! I guess maybe I’ll try Kohl’s on my lunchtime walk tomorrow.

By the time I make it home, it’s like 10 pm, and I still need another shower, plus I’m actually super hungry! Like sometimes my evening snack is reflexive, but this time I legit worked up an appetite running all over that golf course. I got about 20,000 steps for the day, and did the equivalent of 55 flights of stairs!

Once I’m done eating, I go out and grab my final wecard, just to help my blood sugar a little bit. Then I go up to get my shower. I skip the toenail meds after this shower. I go back downstairs and start the dishwasher and then I realize that I needed to hard boil eggs for tomorrow’s bento box… but it’s already after 11. There’s no way I’m doing that tonight. I have a 9 am meeting tomorrow for that same stupid project, so I’m going to have to get up and get moving in time to hard boil them before that meeting.

I go into the evening routine then, and I start working on the day’s lj entry, but when I’m writing about my dad, I get re-worried about my dad, so I end up googling delirium after a hospital stay… and I guess hospital-induced delirium is a thing. The good news is that sources seem to say it’s temporary, and now that he’s home, it should improve dramatically within a few days or weeks. The bad news is that sources also say it’s like a horrible indicator of things to come?? Like people who get hospital-induced delirium are more likely to be plagued by problems forever until they just die, basically. Which kind of seems to be the route he’s on, from the transplant to the encephalitis to the hip fracture to now this… so that’s overall very depressing.

At midnight, Susy replies to Rebekah and me, the text I sent Wednesday about my dad: “Is he doing better?”
I reply, “He got to go home today but he’s absolutely insane and my mom doesn’t know what she’s going to do if he doesn’t get more mentally with it”
“Like he can’t remember to take off his pants to use the bathroom and he’s telling her how the whole time he was in the hospital, armed men were shooting at him”
Susy replies, “Oh goodness”
And Rebekah says nothing, not even to rationalize how those armed men might exist in another dimension.

I feel bad about having been away from the cats all evening, and I’m also a little sad about my dad, so I decide to try letting the babies sleep with me again tonight. But by the time I’m going to sleep at 1:45 am (with my lj entry not quite finished), only Jessie has made it up to my bedroom, and she just stood and pawed at the bed frame for a minute or two, I reached down and pet her, and then she seemingly wandered off.

Tuesday September 13: day off for free car service

stupidfool — Wed, 14 Sep 2022 16:28:07 GMT

I took Tuesday off work so I could sleep in after staying up for the Seahawks game, but Marco wakes me up at like 8:30. I give him water and then give him his pill while I’m up and I go back to sleep, but my phone keeps ringing (spam calls) while in do-not-disturb mode, and I’m too tired to figure out why, so I just keep getting woken up by it. Finally, at 11, I get up for good. I fix the settings for do-not-disturb mode. I go downstairs and eat and then relax with Marco and play phone games and waste time until I have to get ready to take my car in to the dealership for the headlight issue. I get the mail and go through that before I leave, so I’ll only have to take my walk when I get home. Then I go to the dealership and sit by an outlet and finish and post yesterday’s lj entry and get started on today’s. I also text just Rebekah, “Are you still taking long walks with one or two of the boys now that Leo is in school? I just want somebody to appreciate with me how it’s not unbearably hot when I walk anymore!!!”

Then I leave pokemon up on my phone for raid invites while I start sorting through the pokemon in storage on the baby phone. They had told me that this would take hours and that I should have somebody drop me off, so I was expecting to be there for a while… But after less than an hour, the guy comes back to get me. He says it’s ready and he leads me over to the area where I came in. Then he points at my car in the entrance bay and says, “the keys are in the vehicle! You’re good to go!“
Confused, I asked, “Don’t I have to pay?“
He replies, “nope, it’s no problem, you’re here enough! Come see us again sometime!”
I was going to ask if they could run my car through the complimentary car wash, and I was going to ask what was wrong with my headlight, but now I definitely feel like I just need to get out of here before he changes his mind (and they definitely don’t owe me a free car wash, since I didn’t pay for anything). So I just get in my car and leave. All I can think is that maybe it was something really stupid, that they should have caught the first time I was here? But I also didn’t pay for them to replace the bulb the first time I was here so anyway you look at it, I got something for free!

I go home and I have way more afternoon left than I had expected! I text Rebekah and Susy what happened at the dealership and Susy says, “Good!!!”
Rebekah doesn’t say anything to that, but she does reply to my individual text: “I’ve been running every other day w them”
I reply, “Damn well (a) go you!!!! But (b) isn’t it great? I mean I still sweat but I’m not like dying of heat stroke!”

I go through the mail and take my daily walk (extra long, today) and then Marco wants cuddles, so I sit on the couch and watch a show with him. He falls asleep and I get super hungry but don’t wake to wake him, so by the time he finally gets up, I don’t have it in me to eat healthy anymore. I have canned ravioli instead of a salad. At least I resisted the urge to spend a lot of money doordashing food?

Rebekah sends us a picture of a crockpot of crap and says, “I made pot roast to”
It doesn’t look good to me, but I say, “Wow you’re fancy!!”
She says, “There’s theee things I know how to make : crock pot potroast. Tina casserole, and meatloaf.”
Then she says, “Tina casserole 🤣”
Susy says, “Tina casserole huh? Must be your fav”
Rebekah replies, “Inappropriate”
Susy says, “Oh no there’s a million more That are inappropriate”
(I don’t really get what she’s saying.)
Then Rebekah sends a picture of Arlo eating the pot roast and says, “Wo likes it”
I love the picture and ask, “How about Leo?”
She says, “You know the answer” and I laugh at that.

I go upstairs and pick out a bunch more lego sets to take down, and then I realize my package from gamenerdz arrived, which means I have all the promo cards I was waiting for, and I could finally sort and go through pokemon cards. But since I’ve already gotten out the lego sets, I decide to go with that tonight. I put on a show and take apart the lego sets and by the time I’m done, Marco is desperate for cuddles again. It’s really hard to get anything done with him around… but I love him more than anything and in the end, I don’t think I’ll ever regret any moment I spent cuddling with my baby boy.

I give him his fluids and join up for jackbox. I’m the first one on and it takes forever for people to join up and get started, so then we end up playing later than normal. But it’s fun and I got plenty of sleep last night, so it should be fine.

Well this sucks

stupidfool — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 20:49:37 GMT

Did LiveJournal change for everybody on every platform?? I can’t figure out how to place a picture where I want it in my text!! It makes me put it as a separate “page” so it either goes before or after...

stupidfool — Mon, 12 Jan 2015 22:02:06 GMT

I think several years ago I heard Heart's "all I want to do is make love to you" for the first time since childhood and was shocked to realize it was not actually a love song, but a song about a woman cheating on the one she loves with a stranger she picked up on the side of the road.

I just heard it again (clearly, I don't frequently re-listen to songs from the 80s)... And is it actually a song about a woman cheating on the one she loves with a stranger she picked up on the side of the road for the sole purpose of getting pregnant by him, because her lover can't get her pregnant?!?
Or am I crazy? Because for like 20 years I thought the "steel horse iRide" Bon jovi sings about was a roller coaster somewhere...
(Yeah. And this was before the days of ipads, iPods, and iPhones. I was the first one to do that with an i!!! Apple owes me... :-P )

stupidfool — Mon, 15 Sep 2014 18:36:45 GMT

I want to post about camping and the weekend and the good things and the bad things and the facts but I can't think. I can't do anything. I'm so tired and I don't sleep and all I want is her, to curl up in her arms and have her stroke my hair and promise it will be ok, but what's even not ok in the first place?? Only that I want that from her?! I need a new battle to fight. I don't understand what is in a normal person's head all day? What do you think about when you're driving? What do you think about when you're showering? When you're waking up or falling asleep? When you're doing mindless tasks like cooking dinner? When you can't focus on work at work? All I can think about all the time is her. They tell me I need to focus on me because I can't control other people and instead I need I need to focus on things I can control, my own thoughts and my own emotional responses, take a deep breath and move off of her and onto me, but that's not specific. What about me? What is there to think about that could possibly take over my head the way she does?

stupidfool — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 21:00:38 GMT

Oh and also: hedwig totally cleaned up at the Tonys last night!! And that's one of the shows I'm seeing in NYC so I'm super stoked and so glad I picked that show!!!

stupidfool — Mon, 25 Nov 2013 01:36:31 GMT

what is a tv show that has aired one season and a second season may still be on the way?

the internet ate my life

stupidfool — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:24:32 GMT

i think i've spent like 10 hours on the internet today and somehow it is after 5 a.m. right now. but i found two really fascinating stories and my desire for more information has been insatiable!

did you ever hear about the 19-year-old girl who posed as multiple boys in order to date a 15 and 16-year-old girl? as a girl, she was friends with both of the younger girls... and then as one boy, she dated the one girl, and as another boy, she dated the second girl, all at the same time! so she was like three people at once! this went on for months, and then when they found out, she eventually went to jail for fraud and assault!
it seems as though at least one of the younger girls (and possibly both) consented to the sex with the boy, when they thought it was a boy. it was only after they realized the boy was actually a girl that they were upset about having had sex with her. i guess the assault conviction was because of the age difference too, but it kind of disturbs me because what is the limit for consensual sex over there? if this was actually a 19-year-old boy having consensual sex with a 16-year-old girl, would the boy have received such a harsh prison sentence?
i don't believe the 19-year-old was FTM (i actually found a surprising lack of detail on the 19-year-old--only a report that she was later diagnosed with ADD and some level of autism), but what if she was? or what if she'd been intersexed? or what if the girls were legal and the 19-year-old had been 22, but had said she was 19? is all of this 'fraud' and punishable by law??
i read like a million articles on this today, but here's one with a basic summary, if you're interested...
summary

also today, i found out that in 1972, there was a plane crash in the andes and the survivors were stranded on the mountain for months, eventually keeping alive only by eating the flesh of the dead! did you know this?? this sounded horrifying at first, but the more i read about it, the more brave and courageous these people seemed, and the more inspirational their tale became...
wikipedia tells the story well here , but when i am allowed to walk again, i think i'd like to go to the library and get the book written by one of the two survivors who spent days hiking out of the mountains and finding a rescuer for the group.

and now i need to go to bed for real...

stupidfool — Tue, 23 Oct 2012 17:45:58 GMT

do you remember the song like all i wanna do is make love to you from back in the day? i was just a kid when i heard this song, but i thought it was sweet and romantic...

i just listened to it again, for the first time since maybe the early 90s... and it's totally about a one-night stand!!! catchy, nonetheless, but much less romantic than i'd thought for the past 20 years!!

stupidfool — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 01:56:43 GMT

i'm having a rough time. it's been just over a week since my surgery now. my dad had been here taking care of me, but he left 6 hours ago or so. since then, i've been watching tv and feeling like a huge loser. i'm not sure who's to blame...

when i was working 6+ days a week at two different jobs, i was socializing on the job, with people who i really thought were my friends. when i was at work, we would make plans to hang out outside of work, and then we'd do that evenings or weekends or whatever. and then i also had a whole other group of friends that i was seeing regularly.

since surgery, i've seen nobody but my dad and my physical therapist. some friends are texting to check on me, but some people who i really thought were my friends haven't called, texted, or even liked a facebook status of mine. one 'friend' even texted me three days after my surgery to see if i could cover her shift! (when i pointed out that i'd had surgery 3 days ago (which i KNOW she knew was happening) she did say, 'oh yeah' and then ask how i felt.)

the guy who is trying to do my job in my absence has called me nearly every weekday. i know he's calling because of work issues that he can't handle without my help, but then he updates me on the latest gossip and asks how i'm doing. i never even really considered him a friend before this, but i'm now starting to feel like he could be one of the best friends i have.

i begin to feel like people are only nice to me when i shove myself in their faces, and remind them that i exist. i thought i had build friendships that stretched beyond work or shared activities, but the past week is making me question that. and beyond that, it's just making me feel like crap. i ache. i can't walk and i can't drive so i am stuck sitting around the house, wishing i had friends to entertain me or places to go.

i know it's only been a week, but i'm already torn about how to handle things when i'm not crippled and my life resumes. the people who fell off the face of the earth when i wasn't there reminding them of my existence and forcing them to react to me, what do i do with them? do i try to pick up our relationships where we left off, or do i take this as a sign of where i really stand and move on?

i don't know--am i overreacting because life sucks when you're freshly cut open, alone, and in pain? is a random text here or there acceptable from a good friend? would a casual friend think it could be better to leave you alone entirely and let you recover in peace? would these people have been trying to come see me or check on me if they knew my dad wasn't around? (if that's the case, should i expect an outpouring of support now that he's gone? i haven't had that, although i have had really good support from a few friends, which is definitely better than none.) should i be texting them, asking what they're up to and trying to organize activities? without me doing that, maybe they think i'm not well enough to get out or socialize... but given the fact that i can't drive myself anywhere, it seems pretty shady to try to get a group of people to do something with me, and then turn around and beg one of them to come pick me up before and drop me off after. i feel like since people know i'm housebound and at the mercy of friends, they should be offering to come get me to do stuff and if they're not, it means they don't really like me that much after all. i guess i need to just accept that not everybody is going to like me as much as i like them.

in this mindset, i decided to go ahead and make an lj friends cut. sometimes i feel like my lj life is the same way--i reach out to people, and they barely notice i exist, or i'm just a nuisance. so for pretty much the first time ever, i did an lj cut and completely left my feelings out of it. if you said you wanted to stay, either in the poll or in a later comment, you stayed. if you said nothing, you're gone. i made two exceptions for people who have been my lj friends for 5-10 years, have not updated in months, but have been known to come back to lj after long absences. this leaves me with 15 friends: 8 voted in the poll, 3 commented on a later entry, 2 are the above-mentioned exceptions, one is cowboy and indian photos, and one is myself.
it was quite painful to remove some of those people from my list. i guess i'm just trying to do for lj what i've inadvertently done for my life: weed out the people who don't really want to be there. doesn't that sound like it would be a good thing? it feels a lot less pleasant than it sounds, trust me.

on second thought, i just went back and edited out a few specifics. i'm going to go ahead and make this entry public. if anybody returns to lj after an extended absence or just missed the poll and the subsequent entries, and wants to still be friends, please comment and i'll be more than happy to add you back. i don't want anybody to feel slighted by this; i'm just trying to make sure that i'm not devoting time and energy into caring about people who don't want to have to care about me.

stupidfool — Tue, 02 Oct 2012 00:49:23 GMT

when it's all said and done, what's the real difference between a dream and a memory?

stupidfool — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 18:01:59 GMT

So I'm from Columbus, Ohio. It's not exactly a small town... But we don't have toll roads. If you want to go somewhere, you just get on the highway and go, no cash required.
I know that toll roads exist... I have plenty of memories of stopping at toll booths when riding with my parents on vacations. You pay the bored attendant, the light turns green, and you move on through, right?

So when I got the rental car at the Orlando airport, they asked me if I wanted to pay my tolls now, through them. I was really confused by this thought! Would I need to know now how many toll booths I would pass through for my entire vacation?? That sounded difficult. I figured I'd better just stick with what I knew, and pay tolls as I went, with cash, like my parents always had. I'd brought with me a few $20s, plus all of the $1s I'd made a few Sundays ago when I got to wait on the counter patrons at work. I should have more than enough cash to handle whatever toll booths I encountered. So I told them no thank you, and went on my way.

On the way to the hotel from the airport, I passed through two or three toll plazas. I paid the attendants, got change, and went on my merry way. I avoided toll roads for the rest of the trip, until today...

I left the hotel and headed to the airport. I didn't realize it until I was pulling onto the highway, but my phone directed me to get there by spending a short period of time on a toll road. I didn't think this was a problem... Until I realized that this toll road was different! You didn't pass through huge toll plazas along the road itself; instead, you paid a toll at a tiny toll booth when you got off at your exit. The signs for exits before mine said "75 cents, exact change only" or "50 cents, exact change only", and I started to worry. I had a quarter in my pocket, plus some loose change (a nickel and a few pennies), but not enough to come up with 50 or 75 cents exactly... Luckily, when I got to my exit, my sign said "$1.00, exact change only". Perfect! I had a dollar bill!

There were only two lanes. One lane was for ez pass users. The other lane had a booth and was for people paying cash. So I pulled into that lane, my dollar out and ready... But there was no person in the booth! It was dark--blacked out, even. I couldn't see in at all. A little farther up, there was this round metal cage that went into the wall. Now that I saw it, I had vague memories of my parents throwing coins into one of these... But surely coins weren't the only way! Floridians can't possibly be expected to drive everywhere with pockets full of change, right?? So I threw my dollar bill in there.
Nothing happened. The dollar just sat in the metal cage. I knew it needed to go into the hole that went into the wall for the light to turn green, so I rolled my window down and leaned all the way out of the car to shove the bill into the hole. Still, the device did not accept the bill and the light stayed red.

Now a car pulled up behind me. I pulled the dollar bill out of the cage and inspected the wall for another option. Maybe coins went in this thing, but elsewhere along the wall, there was a dollar bill receptacle. I looked everywhere, but didn't find one. Another car pulled up behind me. I was starting to feel a little panicky, now. I tried again to get the hole to take my dollar. This time, I shoved it in there as deep as I could, but I was left with a wadded up dollar bill blocking the hole, a light that was still red, and now three cars waiting impatiently behind me. I looked around helplessly, searching for a human or a sign or something, but there was nothing-only a line of cars and that glaring red light.
I didn't know what to do! I had visions of driving away, and having cops hunt me down and arrest me... I'd lose my job... All for a dollar that I desperately want to give to this stupid cage!

I see an area to the left, in front of this toll area. I pull up and pull into it to let the other cars through. I put the car in park and I get out. I wander around to the back of the toll booth, hoping for a human or a sign to tell me what to do, a number to call for help, something... I go to all sides of the toll booth, even walk back out into the road to look at it from the front, when there are no cars coming. I find nothing. So then I cross that lane and wander around the easy pass lane, again looking for a sign. Still nothing.
Then I realize that as I've been wandering here, I've passed a lot of change on the ground. It was mostly pennies, but I know I saw at least one dime! I get all the change out of my pocket, and then I circle the whole area again, picking up every coin I can find. When cars come by, I try to just stand there and act normal, so nobody thinks I'm crazy or homeless or something. I don't think it works completely; at least two vehicles rush to roll up their windows when they see me, and one does it prior to paying the toll! (i'm in front of the toll booth. She approaches with her window down, rolls it up when she sees me, then pulls all the way up, even past the cage, as far from me as she can get, before rolling it down again, throwing her money backwards into the cage, and quickly rolling it back up.)
Once I've circled the entire area twice, I stop to count my coins. 76 cents. I make one final round, hoping to find a quarter that I've missed. I watch the cars throwing money into the cage, hoping that one quarter will miss the cage. (seriously, how do ALL of these vehicles just happen to have a dollar's worth of coins?!?) I do find another penny that i'd missed, but that's it.

I've now been at this toll booth for 10 minutes. I'm going to be late to return the rental car. I am out of ideas. I go back to the car, and I stand there, defeated. What else can I do?? Money is not going to appear, no matter how long I stand here. I guess I have to just keep going, and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be... I know that there are cameras here, so to show my good faith, I walk back into the road and put the 77 cents in the cage. The red light stares back at me. I shrug apologetically at the light and the camera, and then I get in the car and drive the rest of the way to the airport.

When I get there, I frantically explain to the guy what happened. He stares at me blankly and asks, "you paid rental car for tolls?"
Oh, if only I had known... "no!" I exclaim! "I didn't know! I had a dollar, but it wouldn't take it!"
"ok, say again?" he says.
So I start over, more slowly this time. When I finish, he is laughing at me. "ok," he laughs. "ok."
"so what happens?!?" I ask him.
"you do this how many times?" he asked.
"oh, just once!"
"it's ok," he said. "no problem. No worry. Nothing happens."
And then that's it, and he sends me off with my baggage to catch the flight. So I guess it's ok?!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Ughhhh

stupidfool — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 18:52:21 GMT

I couldn't take it any more, and on break, they told me that text didn't sound bad... So I sent it to Courtney:
Hey, what happened? if you're not into
me, it's totally ok, but i thought everything was going well with us, and
now i'm just confused. i know i'm pretty clueless about lesbians, so if i
did something wrong, i'm sorry...
That was around 9:30. It's now 1:30 and I haven't heard from her.
I just don't get it. I mean, if she found somebody else, or I sent a text that insulted her, or she's just not that into me, fine. Even if it's not something we can resolve, even if it's going to prevent us from being even just friends... I just want to KNOW! How can I learn from my mistakes if I don't know what they are??
And I don't know how she can just sit there and not answer me. I know I've probably hurt some girls in my lifetime, and one specific one definitely comes to mind... But when she sent me a mile long email, pouring her heart out to me, I answered. And I kept answering her right on up until she had no more questions. It may not have been what she wanted to hear, but it was the truth, and I felt I owed her that. She's a human too, with feelings too. Even though she annoyed me most of the time, and I was totally not into her, I would never just toss her aside and pretend she didn't exist. Can Courtney really just completely cut off all contact with me, from now until forever?? Isn't there something I can do to make her want to tell me what happened??
I've said it a million times, and i mean it: i wasn't head over heels for her. I definitely liked her, and saw potential... But if she thinks it's not going to work out, maybe we could just be friends. That wouldn't break my heart, and lord knows I need more lesbian friends. Or if she can't even stand to be in the same room as me and I need to never speak to her again, I'll deal with that, too. But why can't she just tell me that, so I know??

</i>

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

stupidfool — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 17:00:26 GMT

Trying to catch up on lj here at the airport, before I have to get on the plane. My hip is already aching, so this could be a long flight...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

stupidfool — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 06:03:12 GMT

seriously, F LJ right now!!!! i just typed out a really long entry about the entire vacation, and i got a 500 internal server error when trying to post it!!! i hit back and restored from saved draft... and saved draft was like 1/2 of the entry, only... and i still get the freaking error when i try to post THAT!!!! how freaking long can it really take them to fix the stupid site?!?!?! it's been like a week, now!! i freaking PAY for this lj... i can't even imagine where i work, having something down for this long and not getting my ASS handed to me!!!!!! grrrrr!!!!!

stupidfool — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 22:40:25 GMT

just thinking about maybe someday doing a friends cut...

View Poll: who is reading this?

input, please?

stupidfool — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 23:29:46 GMT

so i've been thinking a lot about sexuality, and how it affects interpersonal relationships, and i'm wondering if i have a completely wrong view of the world.

to preface: doing a nice thing, when it's perfectly acceptable to NOT do the nice thing, makes me feel good. for example, as i approach the checkout lane at the grocery store, a self-checkout is being vacated. i've scanned and bagged a few items, and then i notice that there's a $5 in the change return. i could give the money to the cashier, in case somebody calls to claim it. i could keep it for myself, and you can't really say that's wrong. or i could wrack my brain, trying to picture the person who was leaving, and then i could race out to the parking lot, to find that woman with her small children, and give her back her change. when i do that, and she thanks me repeatedly, and is clearly grateful, i feel good about myself. i'm glad that i could help her out, and i'm proud of myself, and i just feel good, about having gone above and beyond what is required of me as a decent person. i think that for most people, doing something nice for somebody makes them feel good.

so... i know that things might have changed, since i was growing up 20 years ago, in a tiny little town. but based on what i learned back then, if you're straight, and somebody tells you that he's gay, you have innumerable options, most of which are considered acceptable to the vast majority of society. you can tell the gay he's going to hell, and lecture him about the evils of his ways, every time you see him. you can flat-out stop talking to him, even if he used to be your best friend. you can make fun of him, and spread the word to all your friends, to get them to make fun of him, too. you can refuse to let him be around your children, or raise a big stink any time you see him near any children. you can kick him out of your church, or your boyscout troupe, or your coffee club. if he's turned 18, and you're his parent, you can disown him, kick him out of your house, and shut him off from all financial and emotional support.
i know there might be some people who disagree with some of these options, but overall, they're acceptable choices.

so for me, as a gay, when i come out to a straight person, knowing that you have all those viable options... it's a huge deal to me if you instead choose to love and accept me. i think more highly of you for it, and i'm happy, grateful, and honored.
it's weird to think about, because the same thing can't happen in reverse. there is nothing, equivalent to this, that i can do for you. there's no way for me to return this favor.

and unlike a stranger at the grocery store finding you to give you your change, this isn't something that i'm just grateful for once. this nice thing that you did for me--it's not something i can ever forget. maybe it's not always in the very front of my mind... like we're watching an intense scene in a movie, and my focus is on that... but we get to a dull part, where my mind starts to wander, and right there in the back of my mind is that thought--that you know i am gay, and you've chosen to be here with me, anyway.

the thing about this is that if i take my thoughts as facts, that leaves us as intrinsically unequal. you're always better than me. i always owe you, a debt i can never repay.
if i can't ever see myself on equal ground with any straight person, ever, then that means i'm looking at it all wrong, because i'm not actually a lesser person, am i?

so i don't know. where did i go wrong?

i guess separate questions for the gays and the straights of my fl...
gays
do you think about things this way? what do you feel when a straight person accepts your sexuality? do you move past it, to the point where it literally never crosses your mind, that they've accepted you? if so, how quickly do you move past it?

straights
do you view the world this way? do you understand that you kind of have one up on the gays? do you feel good about yourself, if a gay person comes out to you and choose to accept them, and they're grateful? if so, do you eventually move past this, or do you continue to feel good about this choice every so often, or every time you see them, or what?

stupidfool — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 03:06:43 GMT

i don't know what happened at the wedding to make me feel less than human, but i am now wondering if i even have it in me to genuinely love or care about another person. they're such abstract concepts that i'm having trouble coming up with a concrete answer. can you think of any questions you can ask yourself, to gauge whether or not you care about somebody?

(for example, "if a friend needed $20, would you loan it to them?"
my answer would be yes, for pretty much anybody i know. i think there's a difference between knowing how to be a nice person, and actually caring about somebody, though. i think loaning somebody money is more about being a nice person (and always having extra cash on me, and knowing that even if i never see that $20 again, it's not the end of the world). what's a good question that would tell you whether or not you care about somebody, though?)

stupidfool — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 02:14:31 GMT

well, i made a friends cut. it didn't go exactly as anticipated. i don't know what happened--i think i switched between windows too much, or used back instead of reloading the page, but i had all these checkmarks by people i didn't even know, like mr_darks showed as my friend, and lord knows i never add anybody who only posts in a language i can't read! and then i noticed that it showed i wasn't tragic_4's friend, which is just absurd. so i tried my best to correct and remove like i meant to, but if i forgot you, i'm sorry!

to recap, if you're no longer my friend, it's because:
1) i thought you no longer existed
2) i thought you no longer realized i existed
or 3) lj screwed up

just comment if you want to be added back...

stupidfool — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 15:52:55 GMT

oh and i think i'm going to cut my friends list. if i think that you don't realize i exist, or if i'm not sure if you still exist, you'll probably go. otherwise, you'll probably stay. if you're worried that you might fall in either of those categories and you want to stay, feel free to comment here. or if you're really annoyed by the fact that this is like my 80th post in the last 24 hours, you can comment and ask me to remove you. no hard feelings.

stupidfool — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 22:02:23 GMT

i am crazy nervous about meeting these random lesbians!!! i'm so scared that i'm going to show up at the bar, see the table of people i'm supposed to be meeting, and then wuss out, turn around, and go home... and i passed up a shift at work tonight for this. i should have just gone with the money. it's way less scary. i could have bought a nice new video game with it, and then spent the rest of my life hanging out at home with my cats. isn't there a less scary way to meet girls?? slakskjaflkjklj why do i suck???

overly mean? not mean enough? suck it up and shut up? your opinions, please...

stupidfool — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 19:41:58 GMT

does this sound overly cruel or whiny? i'm about to leave it on best buy's website. i am so pissed right now!!!

I purchased a dryer at Best Buy and when scheduling the delivery (for today), I made sure to specify that I needed a half hour warning since I would be coming from work, which is about 20 minutes away. The salesperson (who was very nice and helpful) noted that in the form and said it would be no problem. He also said that they would call me on Wednesday to give me the two-hour window in which they would be arriving with the dryer. I had to give this information to my employer, as they were trying to schedule in-house training for Friday.

Based on the information from the salesperson (which was later confirmed in an automated message I received on Tuesday), I told my employer that I could let him know by close of business on Wednesday. By 4:30 on Wednesday, I had still not heard from anybody with a delivery window, so I called, was sent to voicemail, and left a message. Nobody returned my call. At 4:58, as a last resort, I tried calling again. This time I got a human, who told me that my delivery window was from 11:30-1:30. She assured me that if it was noted on the form, they would call me 1/2 hour ahead of time. I'm glad I got my delivery window, but I'm of the opinion that if you tell me (twice) to expect a call by 5 on Wednesday, then I should receive that call by 5 on Wednesday, without having to leave a message (which didn't help) or call repeatedly.

So today, I expected a call by 1:00 at the latest (which would allow me enough time to get to my house by 1:30, the end of the delivery window). By 10 after 1, I still hadn't heard from anybody, so I called to find out what was going on. She said that she was sorry--they must have forgotten to call, but they were five minutes from my house and would wait there and not leave until I got there. I dropped everything at work to come straight home... and there were no delivery people. I waited for 20 minutes and they still weren't here, so I called AGAIN. She said they had decided to go someplace else, since I was coming from work. Had I known that they were not waiting at my house (as she had told me they would be), I would have taken 10 minutes to wrap things up at work so that I didn't have to drive all the way BACK to work when they were done.
Again, if you tell me that you can call me ahead of time, then you should do it. If you tell me that there are delivery people waiting at my house, I am going to try to be courteous, and to get there as soon as I possibly can, even if it inconveniences me. So don't tell me they're going to be waiting there if they're not!

When they showed up with the dryer, the first man in tracked dirt all over my clean floor. His pants were pretty much falling off--at the beginning of the delivery, his underwear was clearly visible, and by the time he left, it was his butt crack hanging out, which I found to be both repulsive and unprofessional. He also smelled TERRIBLE. He is gone now, and my entire first floor still reeks. It is 49 degrees outside and windy, my heat is on, yet all of my windows are wide open because the smell is THAT unbearable.

I was told in one of the phone messages that I was supposed to get a comment card from the delivery people, but when I checked after they were gone, I found that they had only left me with some packaging and old dryer venting (in addition to the dirty floors and a stink that won't dissipate). No comment card, no delivery receipt, nothing. Once again, I called the delivery line. They told me to just go online and comment at bestbuy.com, so here I am. I just want you to know that all in all, this was a horrible experience and I will not be purchasing any more appliances from Best Buy. I have not tried the dryer yet, but I certainly hope that it does a better job than your delivery staff did.

stupidfool — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 01:04:27 GMT

generally speaking, when you want somebody you can't have, do you think it's best to tell them, or to keep it to yourself? and why?

does your answer change based on:
- the way in which you want them? (i.e. love, lust, silly crush)
- the reason you can't have them? (i.e. they're in a new relationship, they're in a committed relationship, they're married, they're of the opposite sexuality, they're just not that into you, you're in a relationship)
- who they are to you? (i.e. a good friend you've developed feelings for, a co-worker you'll have to see every day until you retire, a friend of a friend you could either be-friend or never see again)

stupidfool — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 21:41:00 GMT

??????
somebody? gracified? help?
so i was mowing my lawn... now, i haven't mowed my lawn for a good month. there's been no rain, and dead grass doesn't really grow. and unless i'm mowing my lawn, i'm not in my back yard. my master bedroom window overlooks the front yard. i know it sounds silly, but i've not even LOOKED in my back yard since i mowed my lawn last, over a month ago.

so i go out there, get the whole front yard done, head into the back yard, and i'm confronted with THIS!!

?????!!!!????
the last time i saw this tree, it was just a tree! a crooked tree, but just a regular old tree, not a tree covered in fruit of some sort! i stopped the mower and just stared at it for a good 10 minutes, completely dumbfounded... now what??

i finally turned the lawn mower back on and just mowed everything except for the grass under that tree, because i didn't want to disrupt the fruit lying on the ground. and then when i finished, i just went back to it and stared at it some more... i've never seen something edible growing up close like this... what am i supposed to do with this?!?

i think they're peaches. i actually like peaches, but am i allowed to just eat them? do i have to eat the ones on the tree? some of them have these weird black marks on them, like they're going mildewy or something... do you eat those? and what about the ones on the ground? can i mow over them? can i pick them up and eat them? the ones on the tree actually felt sort of hard, and the ones on the ground felt softer, like they would taste better, but are they dead or something, once they're on the ground? and then some of the ones on the ground have started to rot away, and i think i even saw a few peach cores (that's not what you call them, is it?) just lying on the ground, where all the fruit was completely gone... how do i get the rotting ones off of the ground? can i mow over those? and even though i DO like peaches, there's no way i could ever eat all those peaches! do i just throw them out with my weeds and other yard waste? i feel like a total city girl, but dude, i'm so stumped...

stupidfool — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 01:00:55 GMT

dude, this whole being grown-up bit... it kind of sucks! i never thought i'd put this much effort into appliances EVER but here i am stressing out about it...

i had a coupon for hhgregg, and they're offering 2 years, same as cash, and they're supposedly having a big sale, too, so i went over there after work to check out all the things on my list.

first of all, i cannot see a difference between any of the flatscreen tvs. show me a 52-inch lcd, and it looks like every other 52-inch lcd to me. sony, sharp, toshiba, lg... they're all the same. i switch to look at the plasmas, and they look the same as the lcds! i seriously can't find a difference between any of them. i stood in hhgregg forever, looking from one tv to the next, and they all look just the same to me. given that, you'd think i'd just go for the cheapest one, but i feel like i must be missing something, and i lean towards the most expensive ones, figuring other people must see what i don't, or i break out consumer reports and try to go with them... i have no idea.

so then i give up and move on to appliances. my current appliances are a mixture of brands and colors (although the three major ones are mostly black). my current dishwasher doesn't work at all. the microwave is an old one rashid gave me years ago, and it sucks--the turntable is broken, and the food gets cooked very unevenly, even when i stop it every 10 seconds and rotate the plate. so a hundred bucks for a new small microwave is definitely a good investment. my oven is functional, as far as i know, but i think it must have come with the house. it looks very old fashioned. it's electric, but it has the coils and it's a pain to clean when i make a mess. i'd really rather have a new smooth-top electric range. the fridge is noisy and the freezer light is broken--it flashes on and off randomly--but other than that, it works just fine. but i really want all my appliances to match... and i really want stainless steel...
since the dishwasher is the one that is completely broken, i start with dishwashers. i break out consumer reports, and i listen to the salesman, and i eventually decide that if i were to get a dishwasher from here, i would want a whirlpool model. it's $100 more for the stainless steel one... but that's kind of where i'm leaning. the other 3 rounding out the top 4 are all kenmore, though, so i feel like before i go with this one, i should probably stop in at sears to compare.
so then i go to check out the other appliances, and i come to realize that each manufacturer makes their stainless steel just slightly different. it's just enough difference that it would drive me bonkers, looking at an oven right next to my dishwasher with just a slightly different finish, right below my microwave with yet another finish... so basically, if i want all my appliances to match, i have to get all the same brands... whirlpool also had the top-rated fridge, so i'm good with that. they didn't do nearly as well in stoves or microwaves, though. still, i took down the top brands and the prices, and after much pressure from the financing guy, i convinced them that i really did want to go look at sears before i bought anything there, and i came home to research... i looked up the whirlpool oven i had been looking at, and on bestbuy.com, there was one consumer rating... which said the smoothtop burner didn't even get hot enough to boil water! since i almost never cook in the oven, and only ever cook on the burners, this is clearly the biggest deal to me... kenmore seems to be the best brand overall, so i guess tomorrow i'll hit up sears. only problem is, the dishwasher at sears is over $100 more, plus i don't get to use the coupons from hhgregg (which could have saved me $200, if i got all new appliances there).
and any way you look at it, i'm looking at around $2100, plus whatever i pay for delivery and installation, to replace all 4 appliances, where if i just got a new dishwasher and microwave, it'd be less than half of that, AND i could get the cheaper hhgregg ones, if i wasn't worried about matching the brand of a new stove and fridge. but if i'm going to get half new appliances, shouldn't i just go ahead and get the rest?

owning a home comes with too much decision-making!