Harriet "Harri" Ryan

RP Log with mrpublicity | Some Sort of Comfort

straight2point — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 08:39:02 GMT

[Backdated about a week ago]

For the first time since he had abruptly woken up to not only find himself choking on something stuck in his throat, but to be soon swooped on by countless people swarming over him in a panicked rush, Aiden found himself alone. Initially, he hadn't known what the fuck was going on, just that he was in pain, his throat was agony, and he couldn't breathe. Of course, the first reaction when you can't breathe and feel like something is lodged in your throat is to panic, which he did. It was all a haze now, though. Eventually Lachlan and Tara were there with him, Lachlan slowly and calmly telling him not to try and talk and to take small slow breaths to get used to the tube controlling his breathing. It wasn't easy. Like being told to walk on land in flippers. Tara's hand tucked around his as she stroked his fingers with hers did help, with Lachlan staying leant over him to try and coach the breathing. A small whiteboard was soon offered to him if he needed to communicate anything to them. All he wanted to know was where Patrick was, and that led to Lachlan doing the best he could to explain the situation.

It was surreal, and Aiden tried desperately to absorb it all, but he felt drugged, drunk and hungover all at the same time... none of which was helping the agony. It just led to more drugs, and more groggy haziness in his brain. It came like a deep blow to his gut though when Lachlan had stepped aside and revealed Patrick unconscious in the accompanying bed, well out of Aiden's reach. Aiden still couldn't be quite sure on all the facts, but Pat had been doing okay in the wake of the apparent car crash. As well as he could be considering the trauma, anyway. He had been waiting for Aiden to wake up, only to take a turn for the worst the night before. It started with a dramatic change in mood and personality, apparently exploding angrily at Cameron out of the blue. It moved on to losing the ability to speak and see, soon blacking out in the middle of a conversation with his twin. The MS symptoms he had been having had masked the fact there was a small bleed on his brain, the accident causing a relapse in the hemorrhage site from a couple of years prior. Despite the words of reassurance coming from Lachlan's mouth that they had clamped the bleed again, and Pat should be okay, how was Aiden really supposed to believe them anymore? He was always going to be okay. Monotonously, he heard it over and fucking over again. So, why was his husband unconscious in the bed beside him? A small bleed, about the size of a coin, but so fucking what? Aiden didn't understand the medical talk, and his own condition caused him to get angry and upset. He admired the Scot's resolve and stamina, though. He stuck it out, copped the onslaught, and stayed until Aiden calmed down, soon having more and more questions. How the accident even happened to start with. He couldn't remember any of it. The last thing he had recollection of was picking Pat up from work to leave for New York.

Now Lachlan and Tara were telling him Pat's MS had caused it? No way. It couldn't be. At some point, he vaguely remembered Lachlan requesting his permission to talk about Pat's condition beyond his family - specifically to their friends - but Aiden realised he hadn't answered. He'd been too confused and mixed up. He was now alone with Pat in the room, and he lay there, watching his husband for a countless length of time. He tried so hard to remember what had happened and how it all went down, but it was eluding him. There was a big gaping hole in his memory, and it was as frustrating as all fuck. He now had a stonger empathy for how Pat felt a lot of the time. Apparently Pat would be okay. They could get back on their feet. Aiden just couldn't shake the weird sense of unstable uncertainty surrounding everything all of a sudden. Nothing felt right. He put a hand up to his neck, which was still heavily bandaged. They had taken the tubes out, and his voice was barely there, more just a scratchy whisper, but at least he could talk and breathe now. He had so many questions, but even though he loved Pat's family, he had a deep yearning in his gut akin to homesickness for something or someone familiar to him to just give him the ability to ground himself and get through this without losing it.

Harri hadn't hesitated in coming back to the hospital to see Aiden when Lachlan's message came through. She hadn't hesitated in collecting Campbell either for the visit like the Scot had requested. Campbell, on the other hand, was apparently feeling a wee bit uncooperative as far as clothes went. He'd wiggled restlessly, determined to stay naked until Harri had finally got him to still as she sung - badly - to try and soothe him. Apparently the kid was already suffering from obligatory son-mother love, so the fact Harri couldn't sing for quids didn't matter. James was still in California on work, so she had just sent him a text message to let him know where they'd be, and that Aiden was awake. She hadn't heard back, so she could only assume he was okay, and that he'd reply when he could.

A part of her had hoped her partner would come back with her and Campbell, but she realised it was asking too much. James needed to be back at work, his stint of paternity leave over. She'd gone with him to keep him close to Campbell, even happy to pose as whoever the fuck it was she'd been just to play happy families for a little while. Of course the Brit inside her was screaming with hatred over California. She hated it. She hated the sun, the plastic quality everything seemed to have, and all the fucking falsities tumbling out of everyone's mouths. She wasn't a stranger to it in the fashion business, but this was worse. It was like talking to Barbies who'd attended etiquette classes for dummies.

She had been relieved to get back on the East Coast, even if it had been because of Aiden and Pat's accident. Now she was back in Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital with Campbell cradled against her chest, her baby boy's head resting against her breast contentedly. It was like he knew from instinct just to behave in this place. Like maybe if he didn't he'd find himself shoved back in her womb. She found Aiden's room, and looked between her best friend and his husband. Pat taking a turn for the worse was not something she had been aware of, and she bit her lip as she quickly moved to Aiden's side and held Campbell a little tighter as she leaned down to press a kiss to her BFF's forehead. "You had us worried," she murmured.

Aiden normally wasn't the sort to cry. In fact, it was usually only witnessing Pat in pain or upset that did it when that sheer helplessness started to set in. He had known what he was getting in for when he married Pat, and it wasn't the burden Pat believed it was, but that didn't mean Aiden didn't experience the emotions that came with seeing someone he loved suffer. He could carry a burden and still be affected by it. But seeing Harri with Campbell opened the floodgates. The only thing was, crying actually really hurt his throat, and it was enough to set him on a battle to fight it off the best he could. Tears were still trickling down his cheeks, but he managed to prevent breaking into a wave of painful sobs. "I just figured I'd get some free plastic surgery," he finally joked, sounding like some sort of bad horror film villian with the raspy words.

Campbell's blue eyes seemed to fix on Aiden at the sound of his voice, and the boy seemed to try and process whether it was still his godfather, or whether this was someone else. After a moment Harri bit down on her lip as she tried to stop herself from breaking down into sobs at the sight of Campbell's hand reaching out for Aiden. She held onto her son with one hand as she moved in closer, and brushed her fingers over Aiden's cheeks to clear away the tears. "Please don't start, love. You know that if you go, I go. Hormones are still kicking up something fierce. Bloody hate being a woman sometimes. Still, it was worth it... Just like the free plastic surgery was, apparently. They really have done an amazing job." She frowned as she turned her head to glance at Pat. "Is he okay? Are you?"

Aiden carefully reached up to cup his hand around the baby boy's much, much tinier one and he smiled weakly at him. His muscles felt like they had all been stretched out and banged with one of those meat tenderisers. He also still had a lot of cuts up his arm and side of his chest from glass. At least, that's what the story seemed to be. He could only take peoples' word on it for now. "I haven't seen it, but I can feel it. I would say it doesn't feel like my throat's been cut, but it does," he had to admit. His eyes shifted back over to Patrick, the lights on that side of the room dimmed and everything, including chairs, moved away from the bed in case there was a sudden crash in condition. "No. He's not. He was? Was he? They said he was. Do you know if he was? But he... he's been ill, Lachlan said. It was supposed to be the MS, but last night he had like a personality snap and then couldn't talk. The hemorrhage he had that he's talked about before his diagnosis, it was apparently aggravated in the accident, something to do with clamps or something. I-I couldn't follow, but he was bleeding."

"Shh," Harri urged as she twisted her fingers in his hair as she played with Aiden's locks. They had gotten longer while she wasn't looking. She watched his hand around Campbell's and held back a sigh. Some days she still wondered if he really did forgive her for getting her uterus hijacked by James' sperm. She looked at her son though, and she knew she honestly didn't want to take it back as much as she had wanted to give Aiden a chance at being a father. "Yes, he was. He was awake. He was just worried about you. He was... well, he was like you are now. Minus the throat thing. I think he was feeling the burden of the accident. Cameron had been with him, pretty much stuck by him. Lachlan, too. I'm sure they can fix it, love. He'll get better. He has to."

It was true, Aiden had let his hair grow out again, it always having a tendency of going curly and a lighter blond when he did. Time just got away over the last few months, and to be honest, he had a complete and naughty obsession with the way Pat ran his fingers through it when they were getting it on. "Lachlan said Pat's adament it was his fault. I don't even... I can't... it's just all gone. I can't even remember being in the car with him, but Pat's told Cameron we were fighting. I don't know. I-I can't see it. I don't even know what we would be fighting about..." He swallowed, his eyes falling closed as the pain made itself know again. It would take a few days before the irritation eased. "After the last one, Pat had amnesia. He couldn't even remember Tara. It was like he was a different person. I remember Cameron telling me about it once before. What if he forgets me? What if he doesn't even remember meeting me?"

Harri moved to take the seat Next to Aiden's bed, Campbell giving a small whimper at having his hand lost from his godfather's. Harri rubbed his back and sat him in her lap so she was facing Aiden, and could still see him. "Aiden, love, I don't want to tell you not to think about this stuff, because I know you will. It's just not going to do you any good worrying about what ifs. Having said that, maybe if you just imagine the worst possible care scenario, it won't be the way it happens. Like Pat forgetting you. You've thought about it, so now it might not happen. The way I understand it with MS is that it can be unpredictable. Certain symptoms are recognisable, but there's still no guarantee what will happen. Is there anything different about the haemorrhage this time?"

"Smaller, slower," Aiden mumbled, eyes back on Pat. He always looked so small and weak when he was unconscious in a hospital bed. The mere fact he had a 'way' he looked in that sense made something bite helplessly in Aiden's gut. "They got it quickly. Lachlan said it looked like Pat banged his head on the steering wheel, it's probably when it happened. They just don't know if him hitting his head was before the crash or during it. Pat's telling everyone he blacked out and caused the accident, but what if he's just mistaken? I just... why were we fighting?" he finally asked her helplessly, getting teary again. It wasn't a question he expected her to have an answer to. He was just using her as a sounding board like he always did. "Things were good. At least, I think they were. He was happy, you know? He was an uncle, and Cameron was getting used to the dad thing. Pat was trying to help him with that. Things were going well."

Harri pressed her lips together as she gave a small nod, and then frowned again as she watched Aiden. "Did you... Did you talk to him about kids?" she suggested quietly. "It's probably the only topic I've ever known you two to have a disagreement on. We're probably never going to know what happened. Not really. You can't remember, and Pat's... confused. You're both traumatised, and hurting. Just give it some time. Answers aren't going to come straight away."

Aiden turned his head just a little so he could watch Campbell where Harri was nursing him. The whole issue of babies had been hard, especially with not only Campbell born in the recent months, but also Riley and Evie's twins, closely followed by Cameron and Izzy's. They were surrounded by babies and it had been doing Aiden's head in. It seemed to just make Pat want to avoid the whole thing even more. Like, if everyone else was procreating, why should they bother? Pat had RJ as a godson, and they both had Campbell. Maybe it was just selfish for him to want to follow suit and be a dad too? "I-I don't know. No. No, I didn't. I was planning on it, but I don't think I got the chance. I just... maybe it's all mental, anyway. I think he's right, it's too much. I should have listened to him and not pushed, not made him feel guilty. If the MS made him pass out and lose control of the car, it's all just going to be evidence for his case. I shouldn't be so fucking selfish and thinking about it anyway. It's stupid. He needs me, I should be focusing on taking care of him. If it was the MS, I should have known and seen it. I should have driven. It's my fault, not his. I promised him I'd take care of him and now look... look at him. I don't want a baby, I just want him to wake up."

Harri's eyes welled up and she held up her hand to indicate she was sorry. "Fucking hormones," she murmured before she went back to stroking Aiden's hair. Campbell gurgled, and she looked down at him. It was hard to believe he was four months old. Four months had already gone, and he was starting to develop his personality. Like the nude thing. "You can't blame yourself. How were you to know about his symptoms? Even you've said he's good at hiding them when he wants. If he didn't want you to know, you were never going to see. If he wanted to drive, you were never going to convince him otherwise. There's no point blaming yourself. He'll wake up, love."

"He's my husband," Aiden told her as his own tears welled up and spilled over before he had any hope of saving face and stopping them. "He's been my whole fucking world for a whole year. A year. No friggen babies, no pregnancies, no cheating exes, no nothing. Him and me, that's all. I was going to take him to Paris for our anniversary as a surprise, but that's not going to happen. He's my husband. If I can't even see he's sick a year into this, how the fuck really am I going to take care of him and a kid? I can't do it. There's no way I can do it. I was tired, it's why he was driving. He offered because I was tired. It's what he does. He puts everyone else above himself." He had to stop, his throat hurting from the effort of trying to force back the tears. "I try to understand all of this, I try to do all I can to help him. But sometimes, when he's not looking, I just have to stop and wonder why the fuck him. Why was he the one to have to suffer through all of this?"

Campbell started to wriggle in her lap, and Harri turned him around to cradle her boy. He obviously sensed Aiden's distress, and it was threatening to make Campbell lose it, too. In fact, they were all on the verge of losing it. Harri had to bite back a small smile when she could see the inappropriately funny side of having all three of them in tears. "I don't know, love. I wish I had answers, but I don't. Just because you can't take him to Paris now doesn't mean it can't happen in the future. It'll just have to be a delayed celebration. He's your world, so don't let anything change that. Even the doubts. I know it's hard, it has to be. I admire you so much for just taking it all in your stride, but it's okay for it to get too much sometimes. You're only human, Aiden. Even if you would love to believe otherwise."

Aiden looked over at Pat again, and it just made him have to fight the urge to start crying all over again. But he drew on that typical Lewis strength he always had and pushed it all back down inside, instead just swallowing again and slowly blinking back the tears that wanted to keep spilling over. He had seen Pat through a lot of holiday stays since they started dating. Hell, Pat was sick when they started dating, being a lot of what made Aiden all the more determined to fight for a chance with him. It had taken awhile, but he gradually got more and more used to dealing with his husband's illness, knowing how to nurse him and comfort him. The nature of the illness, it really did follow and up an down pattern. Some days Pat could be ill enough to confine him to bed, but other days he could be 100% fine and taking life in his stride. Aiden was just getting used to it, and then something like this happens to go and scare the fucking shit out of him and he didn't know how to cope with it. Part of him felt close to a break down, but the other part was determined to get the fuck out of that hospital bed to he could help Pat get better. He looked back at Harri, not saying anything at first. His blue eyes were tired and dull, it too hard to try and be perky when he was in this amount of pain. He didn't even want to think on the fact he had nearly died from a slice of glass cutting his throat. If he lingered on that, he'd probably go mental. "Where's James?" he finally asked quietly, eyes shifting to the baby in her arms.

Harri's nose scrunched up briefly and it was hard to hide the distaste in her tone. "California. He hasn't been able to drop his... business as quickly as he'd hoped. He had wanted to come back, but he just can't up and leave in the middle of something. I'll talk to him later, hopefully he'll just be able to get things at least wrapped up a little earlier than he was going to. I miss him already. I think Campbell does, too. How stupid is that? But at least he invited us along. I don't think he's wanted to leave his son at all. He'd rather take us with him, than risk not seeing him for a few weeks."

"It's his job," Aiden reminded her with a small cough. It was as frustrating as all hell for a guy who usually had the gift of the gab to only be able to talk in a hoarse whisper. "I can't think it would be easy for any parent to leave their kid in any capacity. When Lachlan comes by, he's often got wee RJ with him. Just second nature to want to be with your kid. But he's still SS. Trying to find the balance has got to suck, but he's still made for that work." He scrunched his face up and let out a sharp breath. He was starting to get a panicked sensation building inside him at being stuck there, almost like a claustrophobia. He wasn't used to be isolate. He wasn't used to being sick and hurt. He wasn't used to being in physical pain. He tried to shift in the bed, but everything just hurt. "I can't handle this anymore," he finally admitted to her, and it wasn't an easy thing for him to confess.

Harri shifted Campbell into the crook of her arm, and got up to sit on the edge of Aiden's bed so that she was closer to him. She gripped his hand, linking her fingers with his as she looked at him. "I know, love. I know. I'm sorry. Hopefully they'll say you can at least sit up soon. Maybe get a wheelchair. I don't know. I haven't even... I think Lachlan's done most of the talking to the doctors. I have to admit my head wasn't in the best place to listen. I just wanted to come as soon as I heard, and then I just kept wishing you'd wake up." She glanced around like she'd actually find a cot to rest Campbell in, but of course there was nothing. This wasn't a maternity room. She drew her eyebrows together as she wet her lips. "Are you sure I can't get you anything? Need your pillows fluffed?"

"I need a really big drink and some hardcore gay porn," Aiden joked as he looked up her. "Only thing is, I'm screwed if I get a boner. I'll probably give myself a free circumcision, and I've become fond of my foreskin." His eyes moved back to the other bed again and he bit his lip. "What would you do if James had some sort of accident, and it ended up that he couldn't... do the deed anymore. Maybe even couldn't walk. You still had Campbell and things just changed like that. What would you do?"

"Well, I'm hardly going to become responsible for you losing your foreskin. I don't need the guilt. So no gay porn enabling this time." Harri leaned forward to kiss his forehead softly, carefully keeping hold of Campbell. He gurgled again, probably wanting in on the kiss action. "I would stay with him. I realise sex has been a focus of my life for years, but I think I've finally realised there are greater things. He would still be able to be a father, he would still be the man I loved. Then again, someone's mental state would have to change knowing they might not feel like a man anymore. There are certain things you men need to do to feel alive. It would have to take time for him to accept. And I guess all I would be able to do was be there if he needed me, needed us. Just... love him."

Aiden nodded a little, listening to her talking. It helped to keep him grounded. "What if he was too injured to be much of a hands-on father?" he finally added, swallowing again to wet his throat. If felt like he had swallowed a cactus. A very, very big one. "That a lot of it was left to you, even taking care of him?"

Harri hummed for a moment thoughtfully before she automatically reached out to pick up the plastic cup with ice cubes. She tucked it in between her leg, and Aiden's side, and plucked one out to slip past his lips as she smiled a little. "I'm doing it now, aren't I? Even if you're not James. I never thought I'd have it in me to do that kind of thing, but maybe I do. Work would be... Fuck knows. I'm not sure you can work and be a full time carer like that. You choose one, or the other. There may be times you can somehow fit in a little work, but nothing full time. It would all have to be minor to be juggling a baby, and an invalid partner. I would still want him to know his son, of course I would. Just whatever level he was up to. His son would still know him."

The cold ice was a little harsh on his throat, but once he got past the initial shock of it, it was soothing and the relief was more than welcome. He had a small frown on his face as he thought over everything. "It could happen... if he's had a hit to his head, if there's been enough stress on his body from the car crash, there's a chance he might not wake up in the same form as he was before. Before, he fought it. He worked to keep his health, but things out of his hands, he has no control over. I always thought I was prepared for it, but I'm not. I don't know what I'm going to do if he's permanently disabled and I hate myself for that."

"It's okay not to know," Harri assured him. "You don't need to know everything right now. You need to rest. But you have me, you have us. You have Luke and Tab, and Lachlan and Tara. You're not alone. You just have to remember that. It's okay to need help."

Aiden wrapped his hand around her arm as he once again bit down on his lip. "Harri, you've got to help me not lose him. Please. Don't let me ruin this and become a weak fuck. I have to do it, okay? You've got to make sure I do. I don't want to be without him."

Harri nodded as she held Aiden's gaze. "Of course I will. Trust me, love, I will rip off your balls and feed them to an iguana before I ever let you lose Pat. He's been the best thing to ever happen to you."

musebysentence | 65.3 We Are Family

straight2point — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 07:55:09 GMT

Harri hadn't even rung back before her heart was already sinking in her chest with the idea that something had happened to Aiden, leaving her sobbing for James while she cradled Campbell against her chest.

RP Log with undercoverdoc | Attempted Reassurance

straight2point — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 08:20:10 GMT

[backdated to New Year's Eve]

Harri had no idea how she was going to last until midnight. She loved Aiden, and she had always been someone to look forward to New Year's, but she got tired easily these days. Especially when she up at all hours because of Campbell. She was on her own, with James away somewhere undercover, so there was no taking shifts with her partner. Pat and Aiden had been staying in New York to give her a hand, and she would be eternally grateful to them. Especially when they took Campbell off her hands long enough for her to get a few hours of solid sleep.

She stifled a yawn, and looked down to doublecheck that she really hadn't put her undies on the outside, or looked too much like a mess. She had pads in her bra to try and hide the leakagage, and Campbell was tucked against her chest as he slept after having a feed. She tried to keep the times regular, but her baby boy didn't believe in a schedule. He was already a demanding little diva, but she loved him. She looked down at his tiny face in awe, still amazed she'd produced a little bundle like him.

Harri glanced back up when she realised someone had slid into the booth opposite her, and smiled. "Alex. It's been a while."

Alex snorted as he smirked at her. "C'mon. It hasn't been that long. By the way, I'm here because I'm your kid's doctor. I'm sad and pathetic because I split with my girlfriend and you invited me because it looked like I needed a night out. I don't know your ball and chain at all," he told her in a hushed voice, glancing around discreetly to make sure no one was actually listening in. He was dressed in worn jeans with a neat shirt, looking every bit the innocent doctor even if he had literally stepped off the private jet two hours earlier from being undercover with James. He cleared his throat and took a sip of his orange juice, tucking his finger into the bundle of blankets to stroke the baby's face with his fingertip. "He might be a fucking pain in the arse, but he produces good offspring."

"Just remember you need to protect the pain in the pain in the arse with your life," she said quietly as her eyes flashed slightly. Then she smiled, looking back down at her son. "He's beautiful, isn't he? We did do pretty good. Definitely couldn't have made him without James." Harri shifted enough to balance her son in one arm so she could reach for her lemonade. "Do you want to hold him? And how is your broken heart, by the way? I'm sorry you split up with her. I did like her. Do. Did. Whatever. Baby brain, and I'm on leave."

Alex smirked. "You don't scare me, love. I've dealt with far scarier bitches than you, no offense. The maternity bra and unshaven legs aren't exactly enough to put the wind up a dude. Of course I want to hold him. It's not often I get to deal with kids that aren't screaming." He put his drink down so he could accept the baby off Harri, holding him with ease. He gave a small shrug, careful not to disturb the sleeping infant. "Couldn't get the time schedule to sync. It happens. You're lucky with Fraser. He's put his foot well down so he doesn't get kept away from you half as much as he probably could. Put his arse on the line to pull it off, and is doing a fucking risky job nosing around in the FBI for leaks. I don't envy the bastard, but it keeps him in New York. Mostly. I know it sucks, and I'm sorry. Kid barely has his umbilical cord snipped and his Daddy's sent away. He'll be back in a few days, Scout's honour. He's just tying up loose ends. I left him with all the paper work. Nah, just kidding. He's fine, I promise. He'll be back on diaper duty by Monday."

"I'd tell you to wait until you hurt my kid, but I know you won't. You just caught me a weak point." Harri stretched her arms out in front of her before she covered her mouth as another yawn hit. "I'm sorry, I'm just not as awake as I used to be. I feel like a bloody grandma. Midnight also seems like hours away. I'm just lucky Campbell doesn't seem to mind noise. None of the kids do. I know I'm lucky, but for a while there I wasn't so sure I would have him. Our schedules more than clashed. Our lives, and goals did. I guess it's just one of those things. Doctors are always working hard. So does this mean you're back on the market, or are you going to tell me you're not interested in pursuing anything right now?" Harri's expression changed briefly, and she sighed. "It fucking sucks. He should be here, but I have no right to complain. This is what I signed up for. He'll really be back Monday?"

Alex waved his free hand. "Stop the damn yawning or I'll shove a bag over your head," he warned as he couldn't hold one back himself. "Try hopping six time zones in three days, then we'll talk about tiredness. I get to go home and crash for a day before I need to go back to work at the hospital. I don't even know anymore. Feels like too much hassle to even try, but you got me at a bad time. I'm always shitty after an assignment, especially when it doesn't get the results you want and you put your fucking blood, sweat and tears into pulling it off. He'll be back, just go easy on him for a couple of days. It's been... he's..." He pressed his lips together momentarily. "He had to take someone down."

"I gave birth, love. I win. Always," Harri smirked. "Hopping six time zones in three days is a piece of fucking cake next to that. I'm sorry you don't get much of a break. I can't even imagine needing to hold up two jobs. I always put so much effort into the one, I wouldn't have time for two. Although I guess I have being a mother, and being an editor. Not that I'm comparing either to what you two do. And there are a few single ladies left here, I think. You should at least get in a shag. I'm sorry things didn't go your way." Harri frowned, looking at her son in Alex's arms briefly like she was worried he was listening. But he wouldn't even be able to understand them yet. "Shit... I thought you said he was fine?"

Alex pointed. "You said you were on leave. Come back to me when you really are working two jobs and holding two personas down. And hopping six times zones while doing it. I win. I'll keep winning because I'm a kid's doctor. I know what it's like to have screaming kids left and right. I also had gallstones, once. I'm told the pain is on par with giving birth. Or being shot. But I know that's bullshit," he added, unable to stop a brief glance in the direction of Lachlan Campbell before he was looking back at Harri again. "Fine for an SS Agent? It's his job. On par with your... breastfeeding? Only, imagine breastfeeding and shooting someone in the head with a pistol while you're doing it."

"I'll take it easy on him. Promise." Harri's nose scrunched up as she tried to imagine shooting someone while breastfeeding. Although she would have loved to have shot the stupid bitch that had made rather loud comments about her breastfeeding at the coffee shop this morning with Aiden. She wouldn't have done it if she could help it, but Campbell wasn't letting up and she'd been too comfortable to move. She'd still been as discreet as possible, and hadn't even flashed her tit at anyone. "I am, but that doesn't mean it won't be hard. I'm struggling as it is with just Campbell on my hands." She reached out to rest her hand on his shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze. "Apologies for the gallstones. Did you name them? You've never been shot?"

Alex shook his head slowly. "No. Just investigating someone that did. Why the hell would I want to name them? I wanted to stab myself in the gut to get rid of them. He took someone's life, an evil bastard, for sure, but it never gets easier. I think he'll just be glad to get home. This right here," he patted the underside of the baby bundle, "has had James near in tears on our down time. Can only imagine he lets them come when he's on his own."

Harri bit her lip, trying to stop a sudden surge of emotion that threatened to start her off crying. She whacked Alex's shoulder briefly before taking another sip of her drink to give her something to do. "He's not supposed to be wanting to cry... Campbell means a lot to him. Well, of course he does. He's his son. I just don't think he wants to be away because Campbell is supposed to help start him to heal properly."

Alex looked at her wryly and then gave a small sigh as he looked down at the baby. "It's his job. This one here, he'll grow up understanding that. It'll be his norm. That doesn't mean it gets easier, and he was only born a few weeks ago. It wasn't going to be easy for anyone. But it was vital he was there. He's kept it as short as he could. He really did. The biggest difference this time around is unless he is working, he really is himself. When we first became partners, he was just all about the work. He was someone else. He has the luxury of transitioning back and forth now, like I do. It really is much better for his frame of mind. Doesn't mean he doesn't miss his son and you. You miss your family. It's natural."

"And if you don't have a family?" Harri nudged him gently. "What do you miss?" She tucked her long hair behind her ear, and leaned down to touch her fingers to Campbell's cheek when he seemed to start stirring. As soon as he felt his mother's touch he settled down again. He wasn't always that easy, but tonight he seemed to want to cooperate. "I miss him. I really do. We only just... We only just sorted things out then Campbell came, and now he's gone. I just need him to know I love him."

Alex shrugged a little. "I miss my family. Parents, brothers... I lost an older brother a few years ago. I know how loss feels. I guess in the sense of your question, though, don't miss a whole lot in immediate reach right now. I exist for work. Us Agents all generally do that at some point in our careers. Not much time to really stop and think about it, either. I know it sounds really harsh, but you will save yourself a whole lot of stress once you get used to his random disappearances. Bearing in mind that now they won't be so often. He's baseline. He'll mostly stick to New York, except for now and again like this when he has to get deep into the investigation if he finds a lead. He loves you too, you know. He didn't tell me to say that, he doesn't know I'm coming to check on you. But he does."

"I know what it's like to exist solely for work. I didn't really understand what I was missing until James. Well, Marc..." She said the name in a hushed tone. "I don't have brothers, or sisters. I barely talk to my parents. I assume they got my note about Campbell being born. Fucked if I know. I'm sorry about your older brother. That really is a tough loss. I realise he will disappear, I guess I had just never assumed it would be happening so quickly." Harri gave Alex a small smile. "Thank you for checking up on me. It's nice to know he's still out there."

"My job as his partner," Alex told her with a flicker of a smile that he was too tired to really maintain much. The only reason he probably wasn't comatose was because his body thought it was two in the afternoon. "I would protect him with my life, you know. As he would for me. Even if he's a pain in my rectum a lot of the time. He's so anal. But it's what got him to where he is at his age. His priorities are just changing now. Family will come first. I guarantee, if this kid ever needed him, the would throw he job in quicker than you can say SS."

Harri leaned forward so she could kiss her son's forehead. "I hope it never actually comes to that, but it's nice to know."

Alex nodded. "Yeah. Look, I'll hand him back to you now. I think I've got to call it a night. Go home to my boring empty apartment and bed. This is all too much... cheer for me. It's going to give me a headache." He carefully handed the baby back over to her. "Just wanted to let you know he was okay."

Harri held Campbell close, and the smile she gave Alex was warm. "Thank you. And really, it's such a shame you have to go home alone. At least try and pick up someone on your way out. Nothing gets rid of a headache quite like an orgasm. Plus it'll stop you from thinking too much."

Alex gave a small snort and looked around. "Aren't they all married or gay in here?" he pointed out, pushing his hand through his hair. He would be lying if he didn't admit it would be nice to stop thinking, though. James might have pulled the trigger, but Alex watched. Watched James' shaking hands as he cleaned the blood off his handgun, too. That was a whole lot of thinking to try and go to sleep with. "I'm probably safer to go pay for it on the way home."

Harri grinned as she spotted Rachel through the crowd. She pointed a finger in the petite blonde's direction. "I know she's not. Talented make-up artist, and in desperate need of a decent lay. I say you walk over there and remind her what kind of good looking fish are in the sea." Then she winked at him. "And call me with details tomorrow."

Alex looked at her skeptically. "Make up? Uh, doubt she's my type," he said as he pushed out of the booth. "I tried someone from your world, remember, and it blew up in my face. But cheers for trying. I think you need to stick to breastfeeding," he teased, smirking at her and brushing his finger across Campbell's nose. "See you later, kid. No getting any childhood illnesses. Peds wards don't need your lungs, the way I hear it."

"My little diva," Harri said with a laugh. "And I'm sorry about that, I really am. But Rachel's not exactly from my world. And I don't think she's looking to date. Isn't that your type? Try and have a good rest, Alex."

Alex pressed his lips together wryly. "Your world enough. I'm talking shit. Ignore me. I told you, my head is about four timezones back. I need to drive back to Princeton tonight, too. Best to get to that while I can. Monday, he'll be back. You can give each other foot rubs or something." He gave her a small wave and a smile and then disappeared into the crowd.

Words: 2668

RP Log with mrpublicity | 01 November 2009

straight2point — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:01:02 GMT

[Follows THIS and THIS]

Aiden had stuck around in the birthing suite long enough to make sure the baby boy was okay when he was born. Soon after, however, he ducked out of the room. This wasn't his moment, it was James and Harri's. He was just there because he promised Harri he would be. He promised her he would be there to make sure she was okay. It was hard. Maybe one of the hardest moments of Aiden's life, to leave the room and leave her with a guy he knew that he now had to trust, no matter what. But when he left the room, Pat was standing there waiting for him with a proud smile on his face. Aiden swept his husband up into a squeezing embrace, knowing it was exactly what he needed right then. Pat knew this would be bittersweet for Aiden, in that for years he and Harri had planned to one day have a kid together if they never hooked up with anyone else. But fate intervened, and they had both fallen in love at the same time. Fate had a way of making things right, but in a way no one would anticipate.

Now Harri had been moved back to the Maternity Ward, and Aiden had spotted James up the hall on the phone with his brother nearby, no doubt breaking the news to some family members. It was odd to see. James hadn't stopped smiling the whole time after the birth, and Aiden saw for the first time just how bright James' face really was. There was no weight there, no misery, no pain. Watching it, Aiden realised how tortured James had probably been since coming into Harri's life, and the birth of his son had managed to strip all that away in just a few moments of his life. Aiden drew in a long breath and let it out slowly as he watched the father of his new godson for a few moments longer. He really hoped this was the man James let himself give Harri unconditionally now. She deserved it. They both did.

Aiden turned to Pat with a smile and then gave him a kiss before he stood up. If James was calling in the Aussie cavalry, Aiden might not have much of a chance to get Harri on her own. He just wanted to tell her he was proud of her. He knocked softly on the door to her room, taking in the sight of her nursing a bundle of blue blankets and staring down into it in awe. The baby hadn't been very big, but still healthy. That's all that mattered. "Hey," he greeted her softly, pressing his lips together in a small smile. He pointed over his shoulder. "I think I, uh, have misplaced my BFF. I last saw her in the birthing suite, blonde, really fucking dirty mouth, with a couple of pairs of recently severed balls in her possession. Have you seen her around? All I can seem to find in this place are chicks that look like they're made for motherhood. That can't be her. Not at all," he joked.

Harri nodded her head towards the door. "Think she's out in the hall wondering what the fuck she's got herself in for." She'd kept her voice low, her son no longer crying like he had for the first few hours of his life. The sound had threatened to break her heart as she was sure it would any mother. She also realised just how tiring it was about to be trying to look after the little bundle. She hadn't even considered the breast feeding side yet.

She gave Aiden a big smile. "I'm glad you're here, love. I'm glad you got to see it. I couldn't have done any of this without you, you know that right. Fuck the part where James was the sperm. I know what you were probably about to say. Just... seriously. I honestly could not be here if it wasn't for you. Come and meet him while he's looking all cute and soft."

"What was I probably going to say? My mind is completely blank. I'm innocent this time. The only reason I didn't choke him with the gas line in there was because the body would have gotten in the way of where I was standing," Aiden said with a small smirk as he went further into the room and came over to the bed. He was pretty sure it was a miracle he hadn't suffered a heart attack this week. He wasn't about to write it off completely. One more shock to the system and he was going to be hooked up to life support, for sure. When he was close enough, he stroked the baby's head, smiling. "He's gorgeous. I didn't expect anything less, love."

"Probably something about there needing to have been sex for the baby to be here. Or maybe just a turkey baster." Harri's eyes were back on her son, the enormity of it all starting to sink in. She was now going to be responsible for this little person. She was someone's dependent. They were entirely reliant on her for everything right now. She just didn't want to let him down. She didn't want to fail. "He really is, isn't he? Fuck being humble. I have a beautiful boy. And about you trying to kill James... we need to talk about that."

Aiden swept his fingers through his hair which was getting long and curly again. "Well, I would've gone IVF, but if you want to stick your kitchen utensil fetish, who am I to get in the way?" He stroked the baby's cheek and met Harri's eyes shaking his head. "Give me a break, love. I've had a really fucked up week. I did my best. He was being a prick. This is his first kid. He would have regretted it if he looked back and remembered he spent the whole birth being a dipstick."

Harri covered Aiden's hand with hers, making it so that they were both cradling Campbell and Harri had Aiden a little closer. "Well, I suppose IVF is slightly less uncomfortable. I could have just fed you viagra then knocked you out and had my way with your willy so you never would have known. And that's not what I'm talking about. He was being a fucking dipstick, but he was in shock. You should have seen him when my waters broke. I slapped him, so I'm not going to judge about you nearly killing him. It's just... we're going to try again. We're back together. At least, I'm assuming we are. There was the conversation, and the almost-sex, but Campbell here had other plans for how the night was going to end. I'd really appreciate it if once you've recovered from this week you could maybe just try and get along with the sperm. For me and Campbell." Harri's expression flickered, changing to one of concern. "How's Pat?"

Aiden leaned over and kissed the baby's head. "He's just on my side. Isn't that right, bub?" he murmured, but he was joking. He straightened back up with a small sigh. "Pat's good. Excited about being a godfather again. Listen, love... I've had some wake-up calls this week. Horrible ones, and amazing ones..." he began, still touching Campbell's little face. "It's just all given me a lot to think about. You two should be together for the baby, but only if it's right, okay? It's got to be right."

Harri smirked. "He's probably going to wind up with you wrapped around his little finger, so he's trying to win you over early." Her eyebrows went up and she looked at Aiden. "Yes, of course. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't right. I'm done being fucked the wrong way. I don't have the energy for it. I do love him, though. I think James had had some of those wake-up calls, he just wasn't always reacting to them the right way. I'm glad Pat's excited, I couldn't ask for a better godfather besides you. I still wish the two of you could experience this."

Aiden just made a small humming sound. "Wish away, love It's not going to happen," he told her with a small shrug. "This is as close to babies as I'm ever going to get. It's not like I ever banked on it anyway. My ship sailed there. At least you know we'll be around for babysitting." He kept his tone light. Too much would threaten to claw up inside him if he didn't. He was happy Harri had a healthy baby boy and that she could start a family of her own. Nothing was going to change that.

"Do you want to take him?" Harri asked. James and Aiden were the only two she would willingly let hold Campbell at the moment. She even struggled not to be a bitch when one of the nurses took him. She was already possessive of her little boy. "Believe me, I'm definitely planning on taking you up on the babysitting. Especially in six weeks time when I'm going to be wanting to tackle James to the floor and ride him hard."

"Six weeks, huh? You'll have to get in quick. Pat's other godson turns one not long after that and I think he had us booked in for about a year." Aiden carefully took the newborn from Harri, nursing him securely in the crook of his arm. His gut clenched a little with something akin to regret, but he pushed it away again, just watching the baby's face amongst the soft blankets. Maybe gay guys managed to somehow be born with that maternal clock chicks talked about, because he wasn't supposed to want this as much as he did. He wasn't supposed to be jealous. And he wasn't going to let it linger, either. It wasn't the baby's fault, and baby's picked up on negative emotions, apparently. RJ did. It made sense too. "When do you get to go home?"

Harri reached up to touch Aiden's arm as she smiled. She wasn't trying to make anything harder for him. She just wanted to share this with her best friend. She also realised just how much holding a baby bundle suited Aiden. It was one accessory that he just had to have, and Harri was going to be damned if she just let him miss out on fatherhood. Once she didn't feel like she'd been turned inside out she was going to find a way to make it happen. "Alright, seven weeks. But only because I'm not settling for any other babysitters. Although I guess Mark could take him, but I think he's a little scared by children at the moment. I don't know, I can't really remember what the doctor said. I don't exactly remember much of this morning. Guess my baby brain's kicking in already. Not sure Harriet Ryan's going to quite be what she used to be."

Aiden nodded. "You got a built-in Uncle on hand there. If those brothers are as close as they seem, he'll automatically take on James' flesh and blood, no matter what happened with his own experiences. You've got Ali and Andrew, too. You're going to have to learn to trust him with people or he'll never get the social skills he needs. Lucky Jamie is close by, too. It's important they have friends their own age. Mia and RJ thrive on each other. It's a sweet thing to watch. Having a kid around isn't as bad as you maybe once thought it would be. You'll see."

"Yes, Uncle Aiden," Harri replied with a grin. "I promise to let him socialise. I've only just given birth! I'm allowed to be clingy right now. I still can't believe he's here. He really is like both his parents. Impatient to a fault. It'd be nice for him and Jamie to be close. He needs a BFF he can trust as much as I trust mine."

"Friends and family. You can't beat it. Speaking of, are you guys going to let Ali and Andrew know? It's probably a Catch 22 there." Aiden finally sat down, stretching his back a little. He only started to realise how tired he was when Pat asked him a little while ago if he was. Not to mention the fact he'd been drinking at the wedding. He was going to wake up in a bad mood, he could feel it. He looked up at her. "What's the story with Isabel?"

"Yeah, we are. James just doesn't have enough of a head to remember the nuber she gave him for the hotel, and all my stuff's back in Princeton. Might need to see if Luke, or someone has it." Harri rest her head back on the pillow, still watching Aiden with Campbell. Her arms felt suddenly empty without her baby in them. "What do you mean what's the story?"

Aiden gave a pointed nod in the direction of the corridor. "I mean, what's the story. One minute he's with her, the next he's not. I need to know where Cameron stands. He's my brother-in-law and I really care about his welfare. It's not like he really stood anywhere before, is it? I'm surprised he hasn't turned gay. I need to know if there is a chance he might get his finger out and a few months down the track I'll be surrounded by more babies..."

Harri frowned. "The story is that James and Isabel realised they weren't really in love. It was leftover residue from their lives before... me and Cameron. He's getting divorce papers drawn up by Mark. He's moving on. I assume that means Isabel is moving on as well. Whether that means she's moving on to Cameron is up to him. I know how hurt he was by all of it. I also know her babies are his, not James'. Cameron needs to realise that before he does miss out on this moment for himself." She lay there quietly for a moment. "Him and Flynn would be awfully fucking hot together though if he did turn gay."

Aiden puffed out his cheeks and then released the breath slowly. "I'm fence-sitting on this one. I personally don't think that just because they're his kids he should automatically want anything to do with her after she fucked him over so badly. Everyone keeps frowning on him for wanting to go back to England, but fuck. It's his home. Why should he quit his life for her when she was giving him nothing in return? And before you say she might want to now, big deal. He's not a doormat," he glanced up at Harri, "Miss Fuck Him Because You're Pregnant and He Has a Working Cock."

Harri held her hands up as she scrunched her face. "Okay, okay. Forget I fucking said anything. Blame the baby brain. And that particular fuck was a mistake, I admit it. I didn't mean to use him as a doormat, but I was out of options and you have no idea how incredibly bloody horny these hormones make you. Think of the times you go without Pat and how much you just want him when you're together again, and that's what it was like every single hour of every single day. If he wants to go back to England, then yes, he should go back. If he's doing it for the right reasons."

Aiden stood up and handed her the baby back silently. "You sound like you need some sleep. I'll leave you to it. I'm glad you and James are happy. It's how it should be," he told her quietly. "For the record, if there is one thing that I don't think you should have done, it was sleep with Cameron, no matter how horny you were. But that's my cross to bear, and hey, you needed a fuck, didn't you? I guess it's just been a long, emotional day." He kissed her head and then tucked the blankets around the baby boy.

Harri didn't know why, but tears suddenly spilled over as she looked at Aiden while he was tucking Campbell's blankets around him. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't... I know. I love you."

When Aiden looked back up at her, his own eyes were full of tears. "You'll protect your family like I'm just trying to do for mine. And seriously, I think this whole family just need to put their dicks and vaginas away for a little while and stop to pick up the pieces. Today has been hard enough. Amazing, but hard. I didn't need you bringing Pat's sexual issues up to justify you sleeping with his brother, love. That sort of hurt. I know James hurt you, and it sucked. But look what you got out of it."

"I wasn't trying to... I didn't meant to hurt you. I'm sorry, Aiden." Harri dipped her head to kiss Campbell's forehead, quickly wiping her tears before they had a chance to fall on the precious baby boy. "I'll help pick up the pieces. I don't want it to hurt as much as it had lately. I want it to be okay again."

Aiden held up his hand a little and shook his head. "I'm sorry. I'm tired. I'm half-pissed, probably heading for a half-hangover because of it. The baby thing is... hard. I'm getting in touch with my inner bitch. She never seems too far from the surface lately. I need to grow horns and claws or something." He rubbed a hand over his face to regain his composure, feeling that he needed a shave, which gave him a grotty feeling when he was used to being so immaculate. "To think, they say it's supposed to be the mother who came down from the post-birth high with a thump."

"Well, now we know it's the godmother," Harri teased gently as she sniffed and tried to blink back the tears. "I think me thumping to the ground is still up for debate. Just thank you for coming. Thank you for being here. And thank you for being you. Inner bitch, or not, you're my very attractive and gay rock."

Aiden shook his head. "You won't. You've got too much to be happy about. You'll be fine, love," he predicted. "You really should get some sleep, though. If I stick around any longer, I'll end up scratching your eyeballs out in a catfight. You aren't supposed to get in the way of a gay bitch on heat, darling." He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I'll come back tomorrow, or the next few days. You'll probably have your hands full with James' family tomorrow. I think he's sending out a Bat Call to half of Australia out there. Pat and I are going to stay in New York for a couple of days, then he's actually back to work for a few hours a day. But if you need anything, just give me a call."

Harri gave a nod as she stifled a yawn. A nurse came into the room, her radar obviously picking up that Harri couldn't hold the baby any longer. Harri made sure she bit back any angry comments and just let her take Campbell to put back into the little crib. For once it was almost a relief when she didn't have him in her arms, but it was only because she was so desperate to sleep. "I'll definitely call you, love. Get some sleep, and take care of yourself and Pat."

Words: 3275

RP Log with agentfraser | 01 November 2009

straight2point — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 01:48:45 GMT

[Takes place 1st November 2009 | Follows THIS]

Beyond this day, if anyone asked James about the labour leading up to the birth of his son, he probably wouldn't be able to tell them anything. He was in such shock about it all coming the night of Ali's wedding that after the fact, it was going to be a haze in his head. Not to mention how weird the whole situation was. He was suddenly thrust in a room with a heavily pregnant and in labour Harri after months of them being separated, and Aiden, who spent the whole first two hours glued to Harri's side glaring at James over the top of her head. Oddly enough, out of everyone in the room, Aiden was the calmest. He knew all the breathing exercises from Harri's lamaze classes, and seemed to be the epitome of the perfect husband. Only, the person in the bed was the wrong spouse and the actual spouse would never be spread-eagled on a birthing suite bed, no matter how good Aiden's sperm was.

And the fact irked James increasingly as the time ticked over. At first, he tried to be cooperative and just pretend that Aiden being the perfect birthing partner wasn't bothering him. But it was inevitable Harri was going to cling to Aiden if he was the calm one, and James ended up throwing a pretty interesting tantrum when he got so frustrated at being, what he thought, was nudged further out of the picture. But it was paranoia at it's best. He was just sensitive over the whole thing, and when Aiden snippily asked if he was going to fuck off and leave Harri stranded again, James just lost it. It was probably at about this point that Harri was wishing to fuck she didn't invite anyone with a dick or an ego into the birth. She outscreamed them both, and was soon demanding they both kiss and make up.

Literally.

James would only realise later it was Harri's devious attempt for some half-time entertainment because the pain was excruiciating and she deserved some sort of positive to come of it. He had to wonder how long Harri had harboured interesting fantasies about him and Aiden snogging (or probably more, knowing Harri), and to be honest, if James wasn't with Harri and Aiden wasn't married and hating his guts, James probably would have been attracted to Aiden in the past. Both men started to protest again, but very briefly when they realised Harri was freshly manicured and in reaching distance of both their dicks. Leaning over the bed while Harri huffed her way through the end of a contraction, James and Aiden locked lips in a brief kiss that neither of them would probably ever be allowed to forget.

There wasn't even much time for reaction after that. Both promiment males in Harri's life were uncharacteristically subdued after that, but it was short lived. Harri's contractions were coming fast and hard, and when the doctor told her it was time to push, James immediately started to argue with her that it was too soon, and Harri, the pain giving her a strange burst of strength, nearly tackled him to the floor with one arm and told him she was fucking pushing whether he liked it or not, and he had to get the kid out of her in the next ten minutes, or she would nail his cock to the wall as a feature item.

James' brain really snapped then, and if felt like one minute he was almost ready to unzip and chop his own cock off for her, and then next there was put-out wailing in the room and Harri had a bloody, squirming ball of flesh placed on her chest wrapped in a blue receiving blanket. James was frozen, and he only snapped out of the shock when Aiden stepped up behind him and nudged him closer to the bed. It was a telling moment between the two men.

Harri was trying to cling desperately to the image of James and Aiden kissing, one fantasy coming true no matter how uncomfortable they'd looked, but as the bloody, squirming ball of flesh wriggling her arms she was having trouble hanging onto much of anything in her head. She couldn't begin to tell how much it meant to have both Aiden and James here when she needed them most. Even if she was still tempted to slice off their balls for being dicks to start with. Aiden might have been active as a birthing partner, but James was the father, and he was still the man she loved. She hadn't needed them getting pouty when she was the one going through agony to push out the bundle now nestled against her chest.

"Fuck..." she said breathlessly, her tired eyes taking in every detail. She looked at James, tears of relief spilling over. "Look at what we made..."

James' knees knocked against the side of the bed, but he was pretty sure all his senses had just completely short-circuited. He felt slightly woozy, too, like it was a dream sequence. He'd had a lot of those lately, but they weren't really the happy outcome this was. They were nightmares of it all going wrong, or even one particularly disturbing and recurring nightmare that he got locked outside when Harri was giving birth and no one inside could hear him screaming out to them. No wonder he hadn't gotten much sleep lately. This was probably the part where he needed his big brother to boot him up the arse and tell him to get his head out of it. It had all happened so quickly, that James hadn't had time to brace himself. It felt like one minute Harri's waters were breaking right before they were about to have sex, and the next this. "Can I just..." he choked out and then folded back the baby blanket to check the baby had a penis. A rush of relieved air escaped him and he laughed, pointing. "It's a boy," he told everyone, as if they hadn't already figured it out. Thank god no one was filming this. He wanted no reminder of just how much the blond came out in him when he was in shock.

Harri was trying to watch their son, and James at the same time. If James was about to kiss floor she wanted to know. He looked as shocked as she felt, and she was the one that had given birth. She couldn't believe it was over. She had been ready for it to be the longest night, their son changing his mind and deciding to take his time instead of coming early. But Campbell was apparently in a rush to meet the world outside, and Harri just hoped he would be okay. She ducked her head to kiss his forehead. "It's our boy. Campbell Aiden... and then however we're doing the surname." She managed to keep a hold of the baby with one arm so she could take James' hand and kiss his palm. "Thank you."

James knew there was probably a textbook way he had to react to this, and be a good new Dad. Maybe he should have spoken to Lachlan about it? Taken some notes, been prepared? It was all out the window, though. He was oblivious to any of the medical staff still pooling around in the room. When Harri touched him, it was like flicking a switch in his brain and rather than something intelligent coming out of his mouth right away, it was a small sob as he finally dared to actually touch the baby that she was holding. He had to make sure he was real. He touched the baby's forehead, and then his nose. Even though he was a bit icky and slimy, it wasn't hard to see the head of blond hair. He didn't look big enough to hurt that much coming out, but James clamped his mouth together for a moment to stop that accidentally escaping because it would definitely end in bloodshed. This was the moment it had to all be alright. All the shit, this just made it worth it. "H-He's perfect," he whispered, and cleared his throat. "I dunno how the fuck he is, but he is. But he got those lungs off you," he added hastily, shooting Harri an amused look.

"Too bad they didn't get a chance at a work out," she teased back. Harri didn't want to let Campbell go, but she gazed up at James, a smile still tugging at the corners of his mouth. If there was one thing in her life she wanted to get right, it was this. he didn't regret anything of the night before, even the sex she might have had with James. Now they'd have to wait longer while her body healed, but it would be worth it. And it would let them come to terms with their relationship and their son without sex as a distraction. "Maybe he just needs his Daddy holding him. If he's anything like me, he'll shut up for you. Well, most times. Take him, love."

James' eyes searched over her face. What if the kid hated him? Jamie he could get these days, even if she sensed when he was in a bad mood and didn't want a bar of him. But if this baby thought he sucked, it was really going to be crap. But if he didn't try, how was he going to know. He looked at the nurses, wondering if they were all standing there waiting for him to fuck up, but they were just sort of keeping a discreet eye on the baby more than anything. For medical reasons, not crap father reasons. He hadn't held one this small before, either, and he balked a little at that, finding himself, bizarrely, looking around for Aiden's assistance as if Harri's BFF would know exactly what to do. But Aiden was gone and James had no back-up of the penis variety. Except for his son, who really did have a healthy looking penis, if James did say so himself. There were a couple more moments of hesitation before he took the baby into his arms, holding him awkwardly at first before shifting him into a more secure spot in his arms. James knew there was no point in trying to stop it. He just started crying, despite supposedly trying to stop the baby doing just that. "Hey... no..." he said through his tears, trying to tuck the blanket around the baby's stomach. "I'm not going to leave you. Ever. Okay? You're stuck with me and I'm going to be such a pain in the arse Dad that you'll be hiding behind lamp posts and pretending I'm a crazy stalker to your mates. And you know what? If I ever fuck this up, you have my permission to spike my coffee with laxatives every single time. You, me, and Mum. That's how it's going to be."

Harri smiled sleepily as she let her head fall back against the pillow, the exhaustion starting to creep in. Didn't matter that the birth hadn't gone on for endless hours, it had still taken its toll. Her hand rest on James' leg, the closest she could get to a hug given the circumstances. She just needed some kind of contact with him. To reassure herself that he was there, and it was all real. Despite holding their son in her arms her brain was still struggling to comprehend that it had happened. Now she had three important men in her life, and she didn't want to change a single thing. She could think of worse penises to be surrounded by. "Mm... I think I'd like that, too. My two beautiful boys..."

Words: 1973

musesandlyrics | 4.7 Tupac Quote

straight2point — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 08:50:46 GMT

4.7. "You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months overanalyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."
- Tupac

Co-written with agentfraser | Backdated to Halloween Night
[Follows THIS]

James hadn't been able to stop himself pausing in a few moments of deep thought after all the guests waved Ali and Andrew off in the limo from their wedding reception to set off on their honeymoon. Everything from a gigantic box of Condoms to Austin Powers stood on the Soho sidewalk to wave goodbye to the newlyweds who couldn't stop beaming or keep their hands off each other. James couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be in that position, but he wasn't sure if it would ever happen. He had his opportunity with marriage, and failed miserably. Ali and Andrew would spend the night at The Plaza before heading to the airport for the flight to Australia the next day. The beaming stopped, of course, when the couple had to say goodbye to Jamie. Ali was bawling, Andrew wasn't too far off either, and Jamie seemed to realise something wasn't right and started wailing too. For a moment, James really thought Ali was going to change her mind and take the baby girl with them. She wasn't letting go and it was probably one of the hardest things Ali had to face in her life. But they did eventually make it into the limo babyless and Jamie was quickly scooped up by her grandparents with James and Izzy not too far away. It took a long time for the tears to stop, and James was stunned at how much it broke his heart witnessing his goddaughter upset like that. She calmed down, though, and was smiling again a little while later. The whole thing was always going to makes James stop and inevitably think about his own impending fatherhood.

He had met Izzy's eyes amongst the crowd for all of thirty seconds, and they shared something silently that he would probably only later analyse. Understanding, maybe. Or that final realisation that watching Ali seal the deal as a married woman to start a life with her new family meant that it really was the same moment James and Izzy found their closure with each other. That they wanted what Ali had... just not with each other anymore. James didn't let himself hesitate in seeking Harri out in the crowd. She was with Aiden and Pat again, with Pat standing beside her rubbing her back softly as they chatted and laughed together. Harri with the godfathers of their son. It was an odd sight for James to absorb at first, but one he knew he no longer wanted to be a external factor of anymore. James didn't know what else he was supposed to do, and Aiden being there made him want to balk slightly. But he didn't. He just walked up to Harri and without saying a word, kissed her, his hand cupping the back of her head so she didn't fall backwards in shock. Maybe it was the whole wedding atmosphere everyone was caught up in, but who gave a fuck? Maybe giving a fuck too much was James' whole problem.

And now they somehow found themselves back at Harri's apartment. Alone. The next move on both their parts was probably going to map out a whole lot of the route for what was to come in the near future. It was make or break, and James' structured, analytical mind finally made him pause to absorb the situation and he let out a slow breath. Was it a fresh start, or were they about to make another huge mistake?

Harri had yet to really say anything, not since their talk at the bar. The kiss had taken her by surprise, but she had been in no danger of falling backwards. Not when she'd kissed him back so willingly. Kissing James had been like... finding herself again. She hadn't realised just how much the FBI agent had wheedled his way into her life and heart until he had been gone, and she'd been forced to remember how to be without him. Truth was she didn't much like being the hardened bitch. Not always. It was a lonely existence, even while she was carrying their son.

Their son had been something to help mend the hole, though. The idea that soon she was going to be a mother. Plus she wouldn't have been able to do any of it without Aiden, or Pat. And now they were back in New York. It still wasn't the apartment they'd bought in Ali's building. That was home, but it didn't seem like either of them were ready to go back there without first working out what they were doing.

They stood in Harri's kitchen, Harri leaning against the counter as she rubbed her pregnant belly. She was still wearing the sheet, deciding the toga look was back. It was comfortable, didn't require effort, and more importantly - didn't require a bra. It was definitely the way to go for a pregnant woman. She might even make someone on the magazine write a feature about it. She looked at James, watching him. "I know I have a huge belly now, but that doesn't mean you have to stand all the way over there. I don't have pregnant cooties, love," she teased softly as she started to smile.

James' tongue rested between his lips. Was he actually nervous about coming on to her? Touching her? It wasn't anything to do with the fact she was pregnant, either, because if he was honest, it was a real turn on for him. He liked her body like that, the little extra weight she was carrying around her face made her look healthy and glowy. He had loved touching her stomach as it grew, feeling the shape of it under his hands. It had been different with Izzy. He had been hesitant with her, like her stomach was a no-go zone, and maybe it was because he knew it was someone else's kids in there. He always felt like he was treading in uncharted waters when he had sex with Izzy these last few weeks. When he and Harri had still been together, the sex had been hot. He couldn't get enough of her. Those feelings were fuelling in his gut now, but he was still nervous.

But he stepped forward, not directly in front of her, but off to her side just a little. He touched her cheek first, and then his hand dropped to her shoulder where he unknotted the sheet with ease and let it fall to the floor, leaving her in just her knickers. They were purple, and a little like the ones Bridget Jones wore, the comfortable ones. The ones James had never seen her in before now, and the ones the sight of which shot directly to his groin. Harri not-quite-pristine was exactly how he loved her. He loved her pristine too, of course, but there was something about her when she let it all hang loose that drove him nuts. He exhaled slowly and he splayed his hand softly over her stomach and then leaned forward, pressing his lips gently to it, just above her bellybutton.

Harri exhaled roughly, her hand going to the back of his head as she ran her fingers through his long blond hair. He needed it cut, but an unkempt James was like Christmas. He'd been so different as Marc, that Harri was starting to realise more and more the differences. She loved James more, no doubt about it. He still had his punk outfit on, but the wig was gone. She watched him with the smile still on her face, her blue eyes darkening. This wasn't like with Cameron. That one, bad, mistake. Cameron hadn't enjoyed touching her stomach. It wasn't his kid, and not only that, it was the kid of the guy fucking his ex.

It was James' son she was carrying. He had every right to touch her belly, and had done when they'd been together. She could feel tears prick the backs of her eyes but she ignored them. She wanted to tell him he shouldn't have left her and the baby, but she knew what he'd say. If his behaviour was any indication she was going to assume any doubts were well and truly gone. That he was hers again. She found it amusing that he was the one keeping quiet, but two could play that game. Her hand moved from his hair and down his back before disappearing up the back of his shirt so she could touch his warm skin.

James wasn't really specifically sure how a woman felt in the late stages of pregnancy, but according to Ali, it was pretty shit. In fact, she had cornered him as it came close to her leaving for her honeymoon and told him to not go near Harri's breasts unless she invited it, and even then to be gentle. This close to the pregnancy, milk would be coming in, apparently. James wasn't at all surprised that Ali had observed the looks James had been giving Harri and automatically deduced what he was thinking. She didn't judge, though. Didn't give him a tongue-lashing because of it. Harri was her priority, making sure he knew how to treat her properly. The conversation was fresh in James' mind now, because the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Harri or make her uncomfortable. In fact, he wasn't even sure right now it was sex he wanted. He just wanted to touch her like he always had when they were together, to remind himself what it was that ended with her being in this condition in the first place. Sure, the baby was an accident at the time. They had been using contraception, and it failed them. But since the shock melted away, neither had once denied that they wanted to be a parent, just doubted their ability to do so. He didn't know what them being here together in her place meant at all, or if it meant they were coming together again. Maybe they were just swept up in the romantic moment of seeing Ali and Andrew so happy, or maybe it was the knowledge of just how close it was until their son was born. All he knew was that he didn't want to stop touching her. He could feel soft movements of the baby under his hand, realise he was pretty active in there for some reason. Maybe he didn't want James anywhere near his Mum?

This caused James to pause for a moment, opening his eyes as he chewed on his lip in thought. It wasn't like he could ask the kid permission to touch his Mum, was it? He looked up at her, pulling himself up again as he wet his lips. "Does that hurt?" he asked her, his fingertips sweeping the underside of her rounded stomach, still feeling the pointed activity in there.

Harri gave a shake of her head. "Definitely not. Just gives me tingles... Everything gives me tingles. I've worked out a pregnant woman's body is beyond sensitive. Pat was barely rubbing my back and it felt like the second coming." Harri turned her head towards his and leaned in to steal a kiss. She couldn't exactly pull away from him, and didn't want to. The moment he'd taken the sheet off her would have been the moment she'd taken him down if she didn't want this. She wasn't as insanely horny as she had been for a while there, tonight was about something different. She wanted James for reasons other than just horniness.

She reached between them to cup him, squeezing gently as she held his gaze. The baby moving didn't mean this couldn't happen as far as Harri was concerned. The baby had been moving a lot lately. She just hoped that wouldn't mean he got born in a breach position.

James raised his eyebrows. "The second platonic coming, right?" he asked with a smirk. "Because no matter how squisy the BFF thing is, you come onto Aiden's husband, gay or not, and he'll throw you off the nearest balcony," he sniggered. He knew there was still a lot of bad blood between him and Aiden, but that didn't mean James didn't still know them. He still got along with Pat. In fact, they spoke on the phone regularly, James just didn't mention it to many people. When she touched him though, his breath left him in a rush and he had to throw his hand out to grab the edge of the kitchen counter so he wouldn't stumble over. Her pregnant body wasn't the only thing that was sensitive. Still, he wasn't sure what part of her he should touch, if she even wanted it. Maybe she just wanted to play with him?

Harri nodded as she laughed. "Of course! I'm not suicidal. I actually want my BFF and his husband to keep me alive. I've gotten attached to this world." Her blonde hair had grown steadily since she'd gotten pregnant and she could feel it brush against the small of her back. She could also see the slight hesitation in his expression. There was no hesitation though as Harri got his pants undone and then had to use both hands to get them down over his hips. She had every intention of playing with him. "Touch me anywhere but the breasts. Well, you can touch me there. Just be gentle. I really missed you, love."

James couldn't help breaking into a grin. "Ali told me that," he said proudly, as if he just passed a hard maths test or something. "The milk and... they're sore. I might actually be an expert in some areas of my life, but knowing about pregnant women, and or maybe women in general, isn't one of them. But I... she knew I might need some tips. Maybe realised I was finally receptive..." he added, the apology hedging his tone. He gave a small nod. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I know that sounds stupid, considering I did, in the worst way. I don't even know why you want me here, or how you can even stand looking at me. But I'm glad you can. I just wanted you to know that. From now on... it's you and our boy. I don't want you to believe me when I say that, either, but just... please give me a chance to prove it to you?"

Harri was still laughing a little, her head tilted a little. "You really talk a lot for a man who's getting a handjob. Although I'm starting to wish we were on the sofa so I could lie back and blow you. I don't know why I couldn't forget you... You're just a part of me now. I'm tired of hurting, and I'm tired of missing you. I want us together. I want us as a family. I want you. Now. I'm glad Ali could give you some tips, but I don't want you overthinking. I love you and your overthinking mind, but right now..." Harri started to work her hand up and down his hard length, "... just us."

"Jesus Christ," James hissed, feeling a warmth bolt across his skin and try to tip him over to the point of no return. This was the moment. Whether he pulled back and stopped everything, no more chances, or kept going and just waited to see what was around the corner. He turned her head towards him and kissed her deeply with enough passion to accidentally push her roughly up against the kitchen counter. He put everything into the kiss, everything he had been trying for weeks to wrap his head around and verbalise. Words weren't going to cut it, though. He saw that now. It needed to be more. He needed to touch her, and hold her, and bury himself so deeply inside her like he never wanted to stop, and he was almost shaking in the intensity of the kiss.

"I prefer Harri," she murmured, smiling slightly against his lips before she kissed him back with equal force, trying to convey everything she felt for him in that one kiss. Her hand slipped from around him as she reached behind James to grab at his arse, pulling up against her as best she could. As much as there was a part of her that enjoyed being pregnant, there really were times she wished she could just detach her belly and be without it for a little while. She turned, trying to put her stomach up on the counter and rub her arse up against his erection as she moaned against his mouth. She wanted him, and she needed him inside her right then and there. It briefly crossed her mind that they were in almost the exact same spot she'd become pregnant, but the thought was gone as heat pooled between her thighs and she started to pulse with need. Then she stopped, her eyes flying open as she dug her fingernails into James. "Fuck... James, wait..."

James leapt back with a small squeak of surprise, his hand on her shoulder as he looked down, eyes wide with surprise. "Please tell me you just peed yourself! Please, please tell me you just peed yourself!" he begged. It wasn't hard to miss, he had been pressed up so close to her and no matter how good she was in the sex department, no chick got that wet with foreplay. He knew being pregnant was uncomfortable and he remembered Ali complaining when she was pregnant how much she had to pee, so it was a possibility, right? It wasn't like he had been anywhere within the vicinity when Ali gave birth, and right now, he was panicking about whether he really wanted to be in the vicinity of Harri giving birth yet. Had it really been nine months?! It had to be too soon, right?! And besides, they were about to shag! For the first time in a long time and he had a very eager boner waiting!

"I didn't just fucking pee myself," Harri said as calmly as she could manage. Inside she was freaking out. She wasn't ready! She was horny, not ready for the birth of their son. There was so much left unsettled. Were they even together? Were they moving back into their apartment, or living separately? What about Aiden and Pat. They were probably on their way back to Princeton by now. And her bag-- "Oh, fuck! My bag. That emergency bag thing they make you pack for when it's time - that's in Princeton. Your jersey! I can't do this without that. I'm not wearing their bullshit gowns that show off my ass. I was going to wear that. I can't do it unless I have that. How the fuck am I supposed to get it in time? No, no, this is not happening. On second thoughts I definitely peed myself." Harri took a breath, cursing their son's timing. Didn't he understand Mummy was about to get royally shagged by his Daddy? "You better call an ambulance anyway... I think this particular bladder issue is about to get painful."

James was looking at her, stunned. He wanted to laugh, tell her it was a good joke. Which would totally be rational if it really didn't look like she just peed herself. "You had a bag?" he found himself asking, not even sure why that came to mind and knowing he definitely had no fucking right to be hurt over it. "Why didn't I know you had a bag? Don't answer that," he added hastily, holding his hand up as he swallowed and wet his lips. "I-I- um... um... do you... does he... does it hurt?" He started to walk in a lost circle in the kitchen, not really sure what he was supposed to do. She told him to do something. What was it again. "911! Right. Ambulance. I can do that. I can do that, right?" He nodded, answering his own question as he pulled his cell phone from his pocket, fumbled with it, and dropped it, smashing it on the ground and totalling it.

Harri raised her eyebrows at James. She might have been the one in labour but she was the calmest apparently. "I don't know, can you?" She picked up the kitchen phone nearby and handed it to him. "I need Aiden, too. Can you manage that? What if he's already in Princeton? If he's in Princeton ask him to get the jersey. Fuck the bag, I just want the jersey." Harri stood there for a moment, and tried to remember her breathing. Was she supposed to puff her cheeks yet. She gave a small shake of her head. "No, no hurting. Yet. There will be if you don't get a bloody ambulance though, love."

James pointed to the floor. "I broke my phone," he told her, as if it was a new fact just laid on the table. "I think I need to get a new one." Why wasn't his brain working probably? It felt a lot like someone had smacked him in the fact and dislodged a vital blood flow to the rational brain cells. His lips formed a little o shape as he tried to think everything through. He shook his head. "No, they're there. Staying here. In New York, not Princeton. Because Aiden was drinking, Pat wasn't. No jersey, no bag." He pointed at her this time. "911." He nodded and walked out of the room. But he was soon back, realising the landline was actually in the kitchen. When he dialled, it was slowly and purposefully. "You know, I think maybe you really did just pee yourself, because it's not time yet. It's not. he knows it's not," he gestured the handset in the direction of her belly. "Right, son?"

Harri watched him, wondering when it was going to sink in that he was actually holding the phone, but apparently he didn't. Not even when he started to use it. She'd half expected him to try and use a banana to call the ambulance. Her gaze dropped to her belly and she just rolled her eyes. The baby obviously didn't answer because he was still inside her. Then a contraction happened, and Harri grunted in pain. "I think he's decided it is time, love. So get that fucking ambulance! I'm not having him here if I can't even have my jersey."

A rush of panic shot through James. "Well, tell him to stop!" he shrieked loudly. He nearly dropped the landline phone too and started to pace back and forth. "I need to call Mark! Mark will know what to do! He just... he will! He's Mark!" His voice was a lot higher and more hoarse than it usually was. Automatically, he dialled in his brother's number, but instead of talking to his brother, started asking for an ambulance, his hand shaking as he held the phone to his ear. Mark was yelling some sort of orders to him down the phone and James listened numbly, nodding. It turned out that Mark was going to call the ambulance and then James accidentally hung up on him instead of thanking him and then without knowing what the hell else to do, started laughing helplessly and anxiously.

Harri slapped James before she even realised her hand had come up. She just couldn't bear the idea of being strong for them both as well as getting herself through the birth. She needed her partner. She needed James. And she didn't need him in hysterics. "Focus!" she snapped. "Grab your balls and be a man. And call Aiden because I need to concentrated on my fucking breath-AH-ing!" Harri puffed her cheeks out and started to pant as another contraction occurred. Someone had better be calling an ambulance, or she was going to rip each and every one of their balls off.

James took a step back from her, frowing as he threw up his hand. "Fuck off! Why are chicks always fucking slapping me?! I'll get the hell out of here and Aiden can do it all if that's what you want!" he cried, shaking his head. He put the phone back into the cradle. "Mark's calling an ambulance," he told her, keeping his distance this time. How the fuck was he supposed to focus when all this was being forced into their faces after months of estrangement?

"I don't want you to fucking fuck off! That's my point. I love you, and I'm having your fucking baby! I'm sorry, it was reactionary. I want you here. I want you in my life. I want our life! But the baby's coming first." Harri reached out for him. "Please, James. I need you."

James did hesitate, but what was going through his head wasn't evident. He had to bite down on his lip to brace himself and then he reached for her hand with a small sigh, nodding. "Alright," he agreed quietly, even if he couldn't shake the feeling he was still displaced on some level. He took the phone again, handing it to her. "You should call Aiden. I'll go pack you another bag." He kissed her forehead and pulled away a little. "It's gonna be alright, okay? I'm not going to let anything happen to either of you."

Harri nodded as she looked at him, her blue eyes wide with fear and wonder. She was about to have their baby. She wasn't ready, but she just had to deal. It also suddenly occurred to her she was standing there in nothing but her underwear. She awkwardly managed to get the sheet back up off the floor and covered herself before calling Aiden. How he was going to react she could only guess. But she wanted him there. He had to be there just like James had to be. They both needed to keep her anchored because for the first time in her life, Harriet Ryan was petrified.

Words: 4355 | All muses referred to with permission and come from the princeton2nyc verse.

RP Log with mrpublicity

straight2point — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 07:44:51 GMT

Aiden came down the stairs of his and Pat's large Princeton home, a grin on his face as he adjusted himself in his jeans and zipped them up. Pat had been out of hospital for over a week now and was feeling a lot better, albeit still a little on the weak and slow side. Still, not slow enough to offer Aiden a bit of 'icing' on the 'cake' when they got a little hot and heavy making out on their bed when Aiden joined Pat for a lie down that afternoon. It might not have been outright sex, but Aiden's husband sure did still know how to use his hands. Aiden hadn't meant for things to get so heated, but once they started it was hard to stop and it was one of those lazy afternoons anyway.

Cameron was out... somewhere. He had been out somewhere a lot lately, but Aiden didn't interrogate him. He knew Pat would do that just fine on his own. Their house was more occupied than usual lately, too, with Harri camping out with them since she broke up with James and started maternity leave. After the break up, she just didn't want to deal with people like she usually did, so Aiden offered her the sanctuary of his home well away from the city for her to try and wrap her head around everything. She had been a great help while Pat was in hospital, too, and especially the way she so hand-on lovingly personally 'took care' of Pat's twin. That was real hospitality.

Aiden dropped down on the sofa beside Harri with a satisfied sigh, folding his hands across his chest as he melted into the chair. He turned to her with a grin. "Hi," he greeted and then patted her pregnant belly. "Hello to you too, kiddo."

Harri pointed at him with her spoon, the tub of Ben & Jerry's carefully balanced on the top of her stomach. There were a few of Ali's lessons in pregnancy that she'd taken to heart. The diet of Ben & Jerry's was one of them. "You need to get your freshly shagged arse well away from me, love. I don't need to see you in afterglow state. I'm a pregnant woman forced to live in celibacy. It's fucking torture."

"It technically wasn't a shag and celibacy my gorgeous gay arse," Aiden snorted, throwing her a smirk. "I know you fucked Cameron. Was just wondering when you were going to let me in on that little secret. Clearly your fag hag status has dropped a few notches because of it," he said with a feigned put-out sniff, sticking his nose in the air.

Harri licked at the spoon as she arched an eyebrow. "That was ages ago, love. I think he's gone and found himself a much less pregnant shag. One that didn't come with baggage. It's not as if we could have ever kept it uncomplicated. And how has my fag hag status dropped a few inches?"

Aiden chewed on his lip in thought and gave a small shrug. "Can't say I blame him. Guy could use a break from the shite. First his brother tells him he got married without him, then he has the biggest fight ever with his brother, then goes and breaks his leg, maybe fucking his career forever, comes back here, thinks he's found someone worth sticking with, she gets knocked up and fucks him over, and then his brother lands back in hospital. How he is still functioning is beyond me. If he's getting a fuck somewhere, good on him. He doesn't need more baggage." He looked at her a little uncertainly. "Why did you fuck him, though, knowing all that? He was hardly a sound choice for you, either. Because of the secret keeping. Leave it to the fuck arse," he advised with a pointed raise of his eyebrow. "The one you still love."

Harri smirked a little. "Because Cameron is stronger than he thinks he is. He just needs to start believing it. He thinks he can't cope with what's going on, but he already is. Maybe he still needs to run back to England, but I honestly think he's better here with Pat. He can still do his rehab here, and there would be nothing to stop him once his leg's better. She's having his kids, Aiden. He needs to be here. He also needs to believe they are his kids." Harri scratched at her forehead as she shrugged. "He was here, and he wasn't James. And I really, really had to get laid. Do you have any idea how fucking horny I am twenty-four-seven?" She pressed her lips together and let out a sigh. "I can't help it."

Aiden looked up at the ceiling, still relaxed down in the chair, his legs hanging open loosely. It wasn't often he just completely relaxed and slugged around like this. It was sort of cathartic. But with Pat recuperating, Aiden had shortened his hours a little to be here some days. If nothing else, it was good for their marriage having more time together than usual. "It's his call to make. He thinks James will step into the father shoes. England is his home. We can't forget that. It's his safe haven and his familiar bubble. Everyone needs to have that to go and lick their wounds when things go up the shit. I mean, I don't personally doubt they are his kids, but he has every reason to doubt. Maybe he just doesn't think sacrificing his whole life for her is something he can pull off? Not after she did the backflip with James Bond."

"Not really and I'm not about to get pregnant to find out, either. No offense. Obviously it was weird or awkward because I don't get the feeling you did it more than once. And he's been kind of scarce around here lately, except when Pat's around as a buffer," he noted. "What is it with all these women and pining after fuckwits who fucked them over? I don't get vaginas or anything attached to them."

Harri set aside the ice cream, and struggled to reach forward and pick up a packet of crisps. She'd had enough of sweet, and needed the salty. She wasn't going to pretend she still wasn't hurt by James doing his own backflip. She was just starting to understand how important it was for both parents to be involved in their child's life. James begging her to be there for the birth was still fresh in her mind. So was the kiss. "So you'd be happy to keep me here longer? I don't know if the City's my bubble anymore. It's tainted. I can't really blame him for that, and I don't want to. I just don't want him to wake up one day and regret not being there for them."

"I love you, too," Harri murmured as she shot him a look. "I'm not all these women. I'm me. And he's the father to my kid, and the only guy I ever opened my heart for. I'm not saying he isn't a fuckwit, but he was my fuckwit. I kissed him, Aiden. I fucking kissed him."

Aiden smirked a little. "Come on. New York is always going to be your bubble. It just stinks a little right now. And look at me." He waved his hand around the trendy house. "Things change, but it doesn't mean you have to leave everything behind. Just balance it out. You need to decide what's best for the kid before anything else. After that, the rest will probably just fall into place. He might wake up one day and feel just that, but until then, he still doesn't think he has any part in this life."

"Wanna bet? You sound exactly Rachel. She's pining over her military asshole too. Eight months after they split. Please tell me you aren't going to still be- WHAT?" he shrieked and then put his hand over his mouth, remembering Pat was probably sleeping upstairs. "You what? Why the hell were you kissing him? I don't see him here! What was that going to achieve and how did that even happen?!"

Harri let her head fall back against the sofa and reached out to take Aiden's hand as she felt her baby kick. "Guess he's already decided New York's his bubble. This ain't no Princeton kid. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How do I work and have a new born? Even Ali's only just going back to work and her kid's nearly one year old. I wish I could help, but I probably did just fuck things up. I blame hormones."

"Eight months? Fuck. If I'm still pining in six months you can just take my vagina off me." Harri flinched at the shriek, and cursed as a few chips spilled out of the bag and down the side of the sofa. "Because he was there! And he was all sad, and hot, and James, and he's a fucking addiction! I couldn't help myself. It was at my office. He came to talk about the kid. It wasn't going to achieve anything, but he tasted so good."

Aiden fell silent as he looked at his hand on Harri's stomach. A tiny frown appeared on his forehead and he couldn't stifle a small sigh escaping him. It still hurt, he couldn't help it. He would give anything to be the one waiting for his own kid to be born. He couldn't shake that yearning no matter how hard he tried, and it was probably harder to process now knowing Pat's reasoning for not wanting kids, which they still hadn't talked about. He cleared his throat. "Ali had a lot of shit around her, and post-natal depression. You're going to be fine. You'll deal with it how you deal with everything in your life, you won't let it beat you because you hate failure and you hate losing. You're like me. This is just like when you started Razor. You'll find your feet and you'll be brilliant at it. Plus, Ali always planned to have the year off. That was her choice, just like with your kid, things will be your choice. You probably didn't fuck things up, you probably just made him feel awkward. You are pregnant with James' kid."

He cringed and started to dig the chips out. He couldn't help if he was an anal perfectionist who liked clean. In that sense, he more than fit the gay stereotype. "What? Talk about the kid in what way? How did that go to you sticking your tongue down is throat? You just let him kiss you and again let him go back to Isabel? Fuck, I need to lock you in a box or something!"

Harri picked up the vibe and took her hand off his so he could stop touching her belly if he wanted. She just wanted to share this with her BFF, and she felt a pang in her heart every time she saw that look on his face. She'd taken the chance away from him without even realising until it was too late. Some days she wished she was carrying his kid and not her own. She bit her lip, and frowned a little. "I think maybe I want to take the year off, too. I have no idea how I'm really supposed to cope without the magazine, but I need to try. I need to get this right, Aiden. This is my kid. I can't fuck it up, so I need to take the time to get it right. I can't stop being pregnant with his kid! It's a bit late now. I just needed a favour, and I know it was selfish, but I was desperate. If I could live off watching you masturbate, I would."

Harri rolled her eyes playfully, and watched him. She always tried to make sure she ate neatly, but there were times when she just made a mess. And then amused herself watching Aiden clean it up. He was like the world's most buff and stylish vacuum cleaner. "About being in their life, and being there for the birth. He's not walking away from them. He didn't kiss me! I kissed him. I don't really know how it happened, it just happened. Can you at least make sure the box has gay porn?"

Aiden didn't take his hand away. That was his godson in there, and was probably the closest he would ever be to being a father figure type person. He would be there whenever the kid needed him, and Pat too. They were both excited about his impending birth. Aiden just wished one day he would know what it was like to be a father, but he didn't think it would ever happen. Every time Pat took a turn for the worst, it was a reminder how hard things could be when he was ill. Some days, he couldn't even get out of bed. Some days, Aiden just wanted to join him, when it got too much and his heart hurt seeing his husband in so much pain. But he still thought, through everything, having a kid was priceless. "There is no reason why you can't. The place isn't going to go down the pan if you have a year off. You hand pick your support staff, you have the best in the business. You might not get another chance at this. Look at Ali. Maybe some people just get one chance, but they don't know it. You have to just do what you need to and enjoy him. Enjoy your baby. It's the very early days that will nuture who he becomes. If you aren't there, he's going to draw the influence from other things. Yeah, but you didn't need to bollock Cameron. If you begged him enough, he wasn't going to say no, no matter how weird it felt for him." He scratched himself a little. "I'm spent, you might need to wait."

He was still brushing the cushion off the chair off for any miniscule grains of salt left. He scrunched his nose up. "You never do anything easy, do you? Isn't 'it just happened' how you got into this mess? One day, you're going to get into a mess with him you have absolutely no way of digging yourself out of. He's with Izzy. What is it with you lot and fucking infidelity? My inner married values are cringing right now. You all need to stop, get your heads out of your asses and realise who you love. None of this being in love with two people crap. It doesn't happen. Feelings just get skewed by other factors. You need to figure out what you want, and so do they. If he let you kiss him, he clearly still doesn't know. And if Izzy still wants Cameron, she's going to have to really get her finger out, because once he goes back to England, I really doubt he'll ever come back here permanently again."

Harri put her hand back over Aiden's and sighed. That was one thing about her BFF. No matter what, he always seemed to nail things right on the head. Maybe it was because he was gay. Boobs didn't distract him, so he was able to reach logical conclusions. "I suppose if it was going to be any time, it should be now. All the staff in place are actually good. I haven't had to be there as much to fix any idiotic mistakes. If the same team can stay in place for at least a year, I'm laughing. It would be the first time in ages I could take leave and not actually be at the office during it." Harri gave him a look. "I was desperate! And I apologised. I didn't scar him completely, though. He's off bollocking whoever his mystery girl is. He'll get the pregnant cooties off his dick." She smirked. "I didn't mean right now, love. But thanks."

"We're crazy, mixed up, heterosexuals?" Harri suggested as she raised her eyebrows. "I didn't fucking ask to still love him. I just do. And all I did was kiss him. I'm not fucking stupid enough to bonk him while he's seeing her. I'm no one's other woman. I'm not in love with two people. I'm in love with one. I know what I fucking want. He just needs to work out what he wants besides being in the kid's life."

Aiden pressed his lips together and looked at her. "And what if they weren't good, and they were making mistakes, and could get the thing out there, but maybe not to your absolute perfection? Would you raise the kid in your office? Leave him with your receptionist while you kept working?" he asked her pointedly. "What if he is your only chance? Like RJ to Tara and Lachlan? I say fuck the magazine and do whatever it takes to be the best mother you can be so the kid doesn't hate you by the time he is toilet trained. Don't be another Upper East Side mother and let a nanny raise him. You've made enough money to survive your whole life, and James is going to support you too, whether you want him to or not." He pointed to her stomach. "You created him, you're carrying him. But that's the easy part. Some people never get the chance, while others out there can breed like fucking rabbits and can't even see how amazing their own kids are. Please, for me, don't be one of those parents. I'll do anything I can for the little boy, but nothing can match his Mum and Dad."

"You kissed him. I don't give a fuck if cocks or vaginas weren't involved. If Pat kissed someone else-" He had to stop and exhale sharply. "The same emotions are involved. You love him. The kiss was as good as cheating. But maybe just... I dunno. It was a huge thing for him to come and tell you he still wanted that. A lot of blokes would just fuck off and not want a piece of it. Maybe he needs to process one thing at a time. I think his about turn with Isabel was an emotional reaction. Panic, maybe. Sounds like the guy has just been floundering for years to do the right thing and acts before he can know what the consequences are. Don't get me wrong, I still want to smack him down and make him bleed, but when you stop and think about it, he keeps fucking up when he's trying to do the right thing. He never once said he didn't still love you, he just didn't think it was fair to stay with you when he still had feelings for her."

Harri put her other hand on her stomach and made a face. "My parents were those parents. I never, ever want to be them. You have to stop me being them, okay? If I talk about going to the office, you need to strap me down and put the kid in my fucking arms. I couldn't do that to him. I just couldn't. I need him to know his mother loves him. I'm so fucking scared to be them, and have my kid grow up hating me."

She took his hand in hers, and gave it a squeeze. She hadn't meant to drag up the bad memory for Aiden. Sometimes she just wanted to stick her foot in her mouth, only there was no getting it past the baby bump. "He's always going to have feelings for her. They're... linked. It's like you and me, but they're straight. Dicks and vaginas never get in the way with us. I watch you masturbate, but it's only because you're my living gay porn and you know how to look after me. They're that close, just they don't stop at watching each other masturbate. They have to fuck each other."

"It's a conscious choice you have to make in your head, love. I can't do that for you. You've got to want him to be your priority, or you're screwed. You may as well hire a nanny, at least they'll love him. You need to realise the magazine isn't your whole life anymore. I mean, he was an accident, sure, but it was in the early days that you realised you wanted to be the best parent with him you could. You and James both did. It's got to be hard for him being away from this. But what I'm saying is, basically, fuck them all. He's the only one that's your flesh and blood," Aiden reasoned, and stuck his hand up under his shirt to scratch his stomach. He was quiet for a moment before, "Fuck, I really want to be a Dad."

He didn't let himself linger on the thought, though. He shoved the discontent down inside. "Would you fuck me if I was straight?" he asked bluntly, but the question did reach her point.

"Of course I wouldn't fuck you. Okay, maybe back in the day, but not now. Actually, if you'd have been straight maybe I would have married you. Or maybe you would have met Pat and turned gay anyway." Harri forgot about herself finally, and slipped her arm around Aiden's shoulders as she pulled him closer to kiss his temple. "Then you need to do what you do best. You need to come up with an action plan for convincing Pat that it's a dream he shouldn't give up. That it's a dream you can still share together. There has to be a way."

Aiden shrugged a little. "Probably would have. I fell for him before I even saw his cock. That's gay kismet right there. Rare, rare thing. Usually the cock comes first. But that's my whole point. How would you have felt if I was straight, we got it on, then I died. Right? I died, and you moved on, found James. Then I came back. How would you feel?" He shook his head. "I can't. It distresses him enough to the point he couldn't even talk to me about it. At first, I was pissed off he was keeping things from me, until I realised it was because he literally could not talk to me about it because he knew it would hurt me. If I bring it up, I'll upset him. It's hard enough for him to shake the guilt that I've taken him on with a disability, but this is just... let me find a metaphor. It would be like if someone told you that you could only raise your kid and keep Razor if you chopped your legs off."

Harri glared at him. "I'd fucking kill you myself. No one does that to me, and gets away with. No matter how much I love them. I don't get fucking played, love. Just pregnant. And dumped. I know it's hard for her, I do. I know it's confusing. Why do you think I agreed to that closure bullshit?" Harri's face relaxed and she blew out a breath. "It's because you have gay kismet that you should still risk talking to him about it. Make him understand he has nothing to feel guilty about."

Aiden shook his head. "I don't believe you," he told her quietly, watching her face. "You know I don't always buy the kick-arse tough bitch act. How would you feel if someone told you tomorrow that I died? Because take that feeling and put it in the context I said before. How would you feel if I called you this afternoon and told you James was dead? Maybe it wasn't closure they were looking for but just some way to feel deep down that he really was still alive." He rubbed his fingers over his forehead. "You've seen him when he's at his worst," he mumbled.

Harri's head fell back against the sofa as her heart clenched. She'd be devastated. In fact, she was pretty sure she'd be broken if Aiden died. And she had a gut feeling she'd be the same with James. She did love him. He was the father of her baby. "So what exactly are you trying to say? Would you be okay if I got back with him?" Harri nodded. "Yeah, and you didn't have to do anything on your own. You saw how many people were there for him. For you both. We'd never let you struggle with him, or a baby."

"I'm trying to say is that it was just 'closure bullshit'. It was fucking grief. It was a whole lot of mixed up shit. Everyone got hurt, and everyone got confused, but I don't think he stopped loving you. I just think part of him still thought he should be loving her. He had to lose her too. I would be fucking damn surprised as all hell if they went back to this and just picked up where they left off, because I know human nature. It wouldn't be like that. You can't have something like that happen and it not change you. Neither can you have things like falling in love with other people, conceiving kids with other people and it not change you. If he gets his head out of his fucking arse and stops hurting you, then yes, I would be okay with it." Aiden pushed his fingers through his hair and looked up at the ceiling. "Everyone has their own lives. They rally together when he's sick, of course they do. A baby is a lifelong thing. That's Pat's whole point. He isn't going to get better. He might stay as he is in this pattern, but he it's either that or he gets worse, and we never know if the next attack is going to disable him, or worse."

"I hate it when you use logic," Harri revealed with a wry smile. "How dare you make more sense than me. But you're right. Of course you're fucking right. And also, I'm going to remind you that you said you'd be okay if that ever does happen. You two getting along is something I'd pay to see." Harri pointed at her. "And one you're willing to help me with, so I can help you. There's already kids in the group, and people seem to be able to rally just fine. Look at Jamie and Ali. They're surrounded by people that care about them, and love them, and are there to help out. And help Andrew, too. What the fuck else is family for? I know it's tough with Pat, but come on, love... It's not entirely impossible. It might even help him."

"I'm not pregnant with all the blood rushing in a southerly direction. Okay, well not right this minute. There was definitely an element of blood rushing a little while ago. But I'm awesome, remember. I can function both heads simultaneously." Aiden waved his hand loosely in the air, indicating he could tap into that feminine streak if he needed to. "I didn't say we would get along, I just said I would be okay if he stepped up and realised where he was meant to be. Which makes me sound like a right fuckhead, because I like Isabel. At least, I did before she hurt you and my brother-in-law. But I think she belongs with Cameron now. Pat seems to think she still loves him, but he won't get involved."

He sighed. "I know what you're trying to say - and do- and I appreciate, love. I do. It's just... they aren't the ones who have to try and get him to the bathroom in the middle of the night when he's sick and in agony. They aren't the ones who try and force him through physio when he can barely put a cup to his mouth, or see the horrified look on his face when he can't even remember something from two minutes ago or form his own name on his lips. Who has to bathe him and dress him when he can't walk. And you know what? Those bad days, I can hardly function myself because my heart hurts so much. Would I really cope with a baby?"

Harri laughed as she bumped her knee against his. "Lucky you. Right now I have to admit I'm not sure I have the energy to get off this couch, let alone fuck someone. Having said that... not sure I'd turn anyone down." She raised her hand. "I stand corrected. I should never assumed you'd ever get on. And I liked her too before all the shit. I think her and Cameron could have been good together. Guess she's missed her chance if he's going back to England."

"Maybe that's just when you cope with Pat, and someone else copes with the baby? Your heart hurts because you love him, Aiden. He's your husband. Of course it sucks to watch him suffer." Harri pressed her lips together as she shrugged a little. "I wish I did have answers, but I just don't want to see you both miss out when you'd make fantastic fathers. Maybe you should talk to Lachlan, or someone. Get some advice just to maybe clear it in your head a little."

"There's a hot new nurse at the hospital that Evie and Riley have been perving on. He works on Pat's ward. Maybe he'll help you out? I personally haven't seen him, but I hear he's pretty cute," Aiden said with a smirk. He hummed softly in thought. "You know, I have no idea about the whole England thing. I just know that Cameron gets panicky when I ask him about it, and ask how he'll cope being away from Pat. I think the twin mojo is kicking in. I don't know if he'll cope being away from Pat while he's injured. He thinks he can, but I'm seriously doubting it. Pat might not be strong physically, but he's holding Cameron up more than those crutches are."

He nodded slightly, but he still had an uncertain frown on his face. "I don't know if I could just hand the baby over all the time, though. If it happened... big if there... wouldn't they be better understanding how it is to have a sick Dad? Maybe we would luck out and get a really easy kid. See, Tara and Lachlan offered for Tara to be the surrogate, with a donor egg. I guess the offer still stands. I'm scared to ask. I only know about it because Cameron spilt the beans when he spilt everything else."

Harri shook her head. "No way, fuck that. I'm not in a condition to be flirting with anyone, or trying to introduce myself to someone new. Besides, as Flynn so rightfully pointed out... fucking a pregnant woman isn't to everyone's taste." She struggled to reach forward and pick her ice cream back up. It was fairly melted by now, but she still started to eat it again. "I told him he shouldn't leave because of Pat. He needs his brother right now. They need each other. Even I get that."

"Maybe it's worth asking. Sometimes you got to take a risk," Harri replied as she gave him an encouraging smile. "Maybe I'm finally getting clucky, but I just want you to be happy. I want you both to be happy. Having a kid is something you both want... If you want it bad enough you'll find a way."

Aiden shrugged. "Hnh, I must just have a fetish for a hot arse in scrubs," he said, his eyes shining as he threw her another smirk. "And out of them. Flynn does have a point. If I was straight, I'd feel weird sleeping with someone who was knocked up with another person's baby. That's like, the baby's sleeping bag in there, and you're inviting an unfamiliar cock up there to say hello. Poor kid might be scarred for life. See, this is why I'm gay. The thought of a baby coming out of there doesn't horrify me, but having sex with one just doesn't do it for me. He wants to stay, he's just hurt. He thinks going back to his normal life will help him forget. Which is all well and good, but he'll be miserable. At least here, he has Pat. Back there, he won't."

"Asking is going behind Pat's back. Maybe putting Lachlan and Tara on the spot, which would be awkward considering one or both of them are around here every day to visit and make sure Pat's okay. Which is fine with me, because I love having RJ around, even if the crawling rolling thing he has started doing is unnerving. I've lost count of the amount of times he's rolled under the sofa and I can't get him out. He lies under there and laughs at me. This real cheeky giggle as if to say in baby language, fuck you, sucker. I think maybe I should just be an honourary uncle."

Harri arched her eyebrow slightly. "That hot, huh? And I know, okay? I know it's fucked having someone else shag me when I'm pregnant, but what else can I do? I don't want to have to act like I'm fucking diseased just because I'm knocked up. I can't put my life on hold either just because he's off finding himself." Harri tilted her head. "Has Pat actually asked him outright to stay? Has anyone?"

"Okay, so don't ask about the surrogacy. Just see if they think Pat will ever warm to the idea." Harri smirked. "I hate to see what my kid will come up with. He's probably going to be a total diva."

"No one is asking you to put your life on hold. You're just taking a bit of time out for the kid. I know you're horny and shit, but is it really healthy to want to fuck random blokes when you are this far along? Look at Ali. She delivered four weeks early, and Tara delivered seven weeks early. Maybe you just need to chill and stop overthinking everything. Zen is the key. And something has already cracked with El Secret Agent or he wouldn't have rocked up at your office and begged you to be a part of the kid's life. He would be off playing happy families with Isabel," Aiden reasoned and then had to shake his head. "Pat won't. He said Cameron needs to choose for himself to stay or he might resent Pat down the track if he just asked him to stay for emotional reasons. I get that, I guess. I mean, they've been twins forever, so they know how to read each other."

He stretched his long legs a little with a small yawn. "I know Lachlan is doubtful. He knows Pat really well and knows his guilt complex. The thing is, Pat is just... amazing with kids and babies. RJ will literally just lie in his arms for hours and not move. I thought getting married made you yearn for the whole family and kids thing, not extinguish it. RJ has got the cute deviant thing down because he looks so innocent doing it. Yours probably won't bother with the innocent act. Out and proud he will be."

"Zen? You want me to just sit here and meditate?" Harri looked down at her ice cream slushy. "Can I at least keep eating ice cream while I'm being zen? He just wants to be a father badly. He thinks loving his kid will complete him." She pressed her lips together thoughtfully. "I guess a lot of things need to be Cam's decision. Staying... believing Izzy about the babies... I don't really envy him. I just wish I could help more."

"Do you want kids with Pat, love? Because if you do, and you know he does, then you need to just take your tired balls in hand and find a way. Don't lose out on this." Harri smirked. "Well, if he's going to be out and proud he's got enough role models."

Aiden shrugged. "Fucked if I know. I wouldn't know what zen was if it bit me on the arse. I just get a feeling that is how Pat tackles the crap life throws at him. He doesn't meditate, he just taps into some positive something that the rest of us can't see which is why he would be an awesome Dad and-" He stopped with a frustration moan, putthing his hands over his face. "I hate this. Everyone is having kids and are happy with the changes in their life and it just feels like it's never going to happen. I'm never going to be a Dad. It's not the same being a cool uncle when you have to hand them back at the end of the day."

"Part of the reason, too, why it takes all my effort not to grab Cameron and shake him. He's got the whole package right there without even realising he wants it. I know it screws with his head too because he knows how much it means to Pat, but he never knew he wanted it or doesn't even know if he does. It's just hard to swallow while my own head is a mess trying to accept the fact I won't get the chance. Everyone being pregnant or with kids already too is hard. Not that I mean anything against you, love. It's just hard some days. I know being pregnant sucks and you're horny and can't stop eating or whatever, but I would take all that in a heartbeat if I could have a kid of my own. It's why I have nothing but respect for James for stepping up to the plate."

Harri reached out to take Aiden's hand as she held out a spoonful of sloppy ice cream for him. "Eat. It helps... Love, I'd make you pregnant myself in a heartbeat if I could. We could both be sitting here fat as, and eating as much ice cream as humanly possible. I want for you to be a dad, and I still hate myself for accidentally fucking you over. I never meant for any of this to happen this way. You shouldn't have to be a godfather to my kid when you could be having your own. It's just never going to happen if you don't just talk to Pat about it, and find a way. He deserves to know how you feel."

Aiden looked at the sloppy ice cream on the spoon, his nose scrunched up. "Cheers, but no thanks. No offense. I like my ice cream, you know, not a milkshake." He listened but shook his head. "I can't. Not while he's sick. I prefer him out of hospital. I'm just bitching. I'll get over it. I'm lucky to even have a husband, especially one as amazing as Pat."

Harri shrugged, and tipped the container up so she could just drink the melted ice cream. "You're loss. You are very, very lucky. And you're also gay, so bitching comes with the territory. You and I both know, however, that if he ever catches wind of you not being honest with him, sloppy ice cream is the least of your worries."

Words: 6606

RP Log with agentfraser

straight2point — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 08:46:59 GMT

[Follows THIS]

James was so nervous, he was making himself feel sick. He had his hands shoved in the pockets of his black business jacket as he stood staring blankly at a fashiony-looking picture on the wall of Harri's office waiting room. He refused to look out the window. It wasn't his fault he hated heights with a fucking passion. Who knew when a window might suddenly fail and suck you out? He looked every bit the intimidating FBI Special Agent, with his dark sunglasses even perched on top of his head, but inside, he felt anything but. For starters, he suspected Harri's PA hated his guts if the filthy look she gave him was anything to go by. At this point in time, he didn't even know if she would pass on the message he wanted to see Harri, and if she did, there was even more chance Harri would reject the request.

And he couldn't blame her. He just really hoped she didn't. As fucked up as it was, he missed her. He still had some feelings for her, whether it was just because she was the mother of his baby or something else. If anything their bunch had learned over the years, it was that you just couldn't switch feelings off. It is what got him into this whole mess to start with. Things had been going okay, and then they just weren't. The thing was, he and Izzy were still trying to claw back their relationship feet. Neither really knew if it would work in the long run, but they were trying. The only reason James broke up with Harri was because he knew it wasn't fair to her to continue their relationship as long as he still had feelings for Izzy. The only thing was, they needed to figure out that the feelings were what they had been in the past, and the only way they could do that was by taking the time to experience each other all over again. James was different these days, even if he seemed the same a lot of the time. Inside, he had changed a lot, and one of the biggest things factoring that was that in less than two months, he was going to be a father. It was all-encompassing in his mind and whatever happened, he just needed to see Harri so they could talk about their son.

At the end of the day, with whatever had passed between then, he was still that - their son.

Harri sat on the sofa in her office, her baby bump getting too large to fit behind her desk. Truth was she should have probably been back at Aiden's place in Princeton and on maternity leave but she hated the idea of sitting around with nothing to do. She'd come in with the intention of working, and she had actually gotten quite a few things done, but now James fucking Fraser was standing out there waiting to see her. She'd fed her PA a bullshit line about being in the middle of something, but all she was doing was staring angrily at the wall opposite trying to work out how the hell she was supposed to deal with James without screaming at him.

She did still love him, and she missed him, and he was the father of the child she was carrying, but she couldn't forgive what he'd done. She was still kicking herself for not realising sooner that it would be inevitable he slept with Isabel, even if she gave him permission. There would be no getting it out of his system, she had been his wife at some point after all. Harri had just been... she didn't even know anymore. She just knew she was planning on keeping her heart locked up tighther than before. Only Aiden, and her son would get to it now.

She let out a sigh, and pushed up off the sofa to make her way back over to her desk so she could buzz her PA and tell her to let James come through.

The PA, evidently, wasn't happy with the news Harri was accepting James' request. In fact, it was probably a miracle James didn't end up with a stapler lodged in his forehead. He didn't meet her eyes as she rose to go and open the door for him. Seems she valued her job too much to actually jeopardise her assistant ettiquette, Harri probably making it clear that any secretary of hers had to be pristine and professional in their job. There was an icy silence when James finally was admitted to Harri's office, and the PA took it upon herself to hover a little longer than necessary in the doorway like some sort of trumped up bodyguard. James turned and this time met her eyes with his own look that clearly told her to fuck off or he would make things uncomfortable for her. It was only then that the office door was closed, and Harri and James were left alone for the first time in weeks.

He was suddenly lost for words, and his hands stayed firmly planted in his pockets. He let out a slow breath, trying to regain some composure as he looked over her face. Something washed over him that just felt like saddness, probably mixed with regret. "I'm sorry to bother you," he told her quietly. And he was. He was sorry they were in the position he had to keep things bordering on professional between them. "I just... I think there are some things we need to talk about."

Harri had been watching the door, making sure her secretary had really shut it after her. If the woman even tried to eavesdrop, she was gone. Harri's blue eyes flicked to James' face, and she arched an eyebrow, keeping her expression as neutral as possible. "I assume they're important if you are choosing to bother me. Not to mention interrupt your own schedule with this visit. No doubt you have more important... things to be doing."

"Actually, I don't. I've taken the rest of the day off to come see you. I didn't know if I would have to camp out to get you to agree to see me. In fact, these is nothing more important than this to me," James told her honestly. He remained standing near the door and fought the urge to hug himself like a protective shield. This was harder than he had even anticipate, and he had anticipated it badly.

Harri rubbed her hand over her swollen belly before she gestured at one of the arm chairs near the sofa, indicating James should sit. She buzzed her PA again and told her to hold all calls, cutting her secretary off before she could argue otherwise. Harri took a seat on the sofa, and made herself comfortable again. There was only so much standing she could do lately. She'd kicked off her shoes long ago, glad she'd carpeted the office floor. Made it easier for her to go barefoot. "It was tempting to make you wait longer, but I'm not a complete bitch. So what's so important to you, James?" She bit her tongue to stop herself from adding anything about her not being important to him. She really was trying not to insult him at every turn. She could be civilised. Mostly.

James unbuttoned his jacket and sat down, trying not to look too awkward in doing do. "The baby, first and foremost," he told her quietly. "I know I... you..." he tried to begin, but everything he wanted to say rushed to the forefront at once, impeding his ability to rationalise what should be said first. He bit down on his lip and closed his eyes briefly, his fingers curling around the end of the chair's arm rests. "I just need to know where I stand with him, at the very least."

"You're his father," Harri answered without hesitation. "I'm not going to stop you have anything to do with him. I know what it's like to have absent parents, whether they chose to be, or were forced to be. I also understand just how important family is to you. It's what you came back for. I'm not going to replace you, I'm not going to stop you being with him." She actually hadn't been sure what she was going to do in regards to James and his son, but as she spoke, she knew that she was making the right choice. As much as she was angry with him for ditching her so easily, Harri did understand how important his son was to him. She wasn't going to run the risk of her son winding up with parents like hers.

"That sounds good in theory, but considering we can hardly be in the same room together without tension thick enough to cut with a knife, how is that going to affect him at the end of the day?" James asked her, trying not to shift in the seat. It was trendy and felt like it was swallowing his arse. Maybe that was the whole point, she could trap her clients and hook them before they could get up and run. "I just didn't know how things were going to... progress, or whatever. I know Cameron is stepping back, but I don't want that. I would never have wanted that."

"I didn't expect you would. I'll work on the tension as best I can, but you have to understand that it's going to take more time. I can't just be all smiles, and happy to see you. As much as you still mean to me, I'm not ready to be friendly. Maybe by the time Campbell comes I will be. Fuck knows giving birth is supposed to change you." Harri looked at him, eyes searching his as she tried to work out how he was supposed to make her feel now. Mostly she could just start to feel the hole in her heart niggle away, even as if she spent most of the time ignoring it.

James put his hand up and rubbed his fingers through the back of his hair. It was a nervous gesture and he drew in a small breath as everything felt like it choked him up. He was close to crying, and he hated it, but only because he knew there was no way to fix everything he had done. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse and choke and he blinked away the tears that appeared in his eyes. "I appreciate that," he told her. "I don't expect you to be anything but angry and bitter towards me, and you're more than entitled to that. Like I said, I never even expected you to see me. I just hoped you would. I've been thinking about you alot, thinking about our son. Just hoping you're both as okay as you can be."

Harri was still watching him, and felt a small twinge at seeing him upset. A part of her wanted to comfort him, but it wasn't her job anymore. It was up to Isabel to comfort James now. "We're fine. Aiden has been taking good care of me." She cleared her throat, letting her hand rest on her stomach. "Cameron's been of some... help as well."

James nodded, unable to answer immediately. He figured Aiden would step up to the plate. It made James feel like he was going to be defunct. Aiden would probably end up more prominent in the kid's life than James was by the time he factored his work into the picture. Where Harri would probably spend a lot of time hanging out with Aiden, wherever they were, James would probably need to book appointments to spend time with his son. And the realisation hurt. "I'm glad you're okay with asking for help. I know it mustn't be easy for you," he murmured. "I spoke to Pat. He mentioned briefly... stuff... I'm glad Cameron's helping you with whatever before he goes home."

"It was better than coming to you for sexual relief," Harri answered before she could stop herself. She could understand that this was hurting him, especially knowing Aiden was helping her. He was filling in where James should have been, and Harri couldn't bring herslef to apologise. "Things are complicated enough as it is without more cheating."

James reeled inwardly when he realised what she was implying. Outwardly, his features barely reacted. It wasn't any of his business if Harri slept with Cameron, and it wasn't the actual act of it that was bothering him. It was just weird, and felt wrong. Very wrong. He just watched her at first, swallowing back a horrible taste at the back of his throat. If he stopped and thought about it too much, he would just end up feeling sick. "That's none of my business," he responded calmly.

"You're right." Harri looked down at her stomach, and let out a sigh before meeting James' gaze again. "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to suddenly not be your... whatever the fuck I was. I hate this."

"I'm sorry. I know you don't probably believe that, but I am. But I didn't know what to do and it came down to hurting you and being honest with you, or hurting you and lying to you. I promised you I would never lie to you again. I tried telling you I would hurt you, and it's the last thing I wanted to do, but would you have really just accepted I still had feelings for another woman and pretended they didn't exist, knowing deep down they did? And you know the fucked up thing? I don't even really know what those feelings are. I just know there is something there, but whatever it is might not end up being anything, and I could still lose everything. Again. Everything in my life for the last five years has been a fucked mess and there is no way for me to know anymore what I should do. Everytime I try to be happy, something comes along and throws it off the tracks. Right now, all I can focus on as a lifeline is my son, because I'm hoping that no matter what I've done in the past, he'll be able to forgive me for it and let me be something I think I might actually be okay at. Being a Dad," James told her and pressed his lips together slightly so he didn't lose it. "All the other love in my life comes with conditions and bad history. With my son, it's just a feeling I've never experienced before, and I don't want to lose that."

Harri shifted up to other side of the sofa so that she was close to James, and reached out for his hand and held it against her stomach. The baby had been kicking more and more lately, and she had noticed since James had been in the office, that their son seemed excited by his father's presence. "I don't want you to lose it either."

James could feel the soft movements against his hand and closed his eyes, it becoming impossible to fight the tears anymore. Why did everything have to suck so much all the time? He had always imagined that when the time came for him to have his first kid, he would be happily married and sharing every moment of it with his wife, who he adored and wanted to give the world to. It wasn't exactly a white picket fence fantasy, but at least he was happy in it. Things were right in it. How were things ever going to be right again? How was he supposed to explain to his first kid why he wasn't with his Mum? Even if he was an accident, and a shock, it had changed. Now James just wanted to meet him, and hope he didn't fuck him up. He was more confused than ever now, but what was the point? He had made his choice, only as each new day with Izzy ticked over, he got a niggle in his gut part of her heart still lay elsewhere. Was that ever really going to change? "I don't even know what to say anymore," he whispered hoarsely.

Harri's lips pressed together as she watched him, not really sure what she was supposed to say herself. She wanted it back how it had been, them living together and trying to find their domestic equilibrium. Neither of them had planned the pregnancy but they had been getting a rhythm, and they had been in love. Only Harri just felt like it had been worth shit. She couldn't argue his need to find out what he shared with Izzy, she would rather his honesty than being lied to, and trying to pretend anything. She let go of his hand, but didn't make any move to take his off her belly. "You'll always be his father, James."

"Anyone can be a father," James mumbled. He was glad he had taken the rest of the day off. After this, he would probably either go home and hide in bed or bury himself in backlogged case notes. "It takes a whole lot more of everything to be a Dad, and a good one. Maybe you are just better having Aiden help you out."

Harri sighed. "Self pity doesn't suit you. I need Aiden because I can't heal my heart, and be a mother. Same as Ali couldn't, but she had to learn to. I'm selfish, so I'm taking Aiden's help. You could have have stayed with me, and our son, but you have to work out what's going on with Isabel. If... if you ever decide we're something you think you could want again, maybe there's a chance to try again. I don't know. I don't know as much as I thought I did, and I'm sorry."

James gave a hint of a laugh with held no humour. "That's not self pity, I'm stating a fact. You forget what self pity is when you actually have enough reason in your life to be miserable. Ali would vouch for that. Things just..." He shook his head. "I don't know if we're just clutching to what was in the past, but can never be again now after everything. Things aren't anywhere. Ali lost her baby, and it was terrible. She miscarried in the bathroom of Luke's bar at Andrew's birthday party. Andrew started drinking again when Ali pushed him away. Izzy and I nearly fucked her over again by accident. Mark has signed his parental rights to Jamie over to Ali so Andrew can adopt her, and it devastated him. There's just not been any time to see anything with Izzy and me through the painful haze, and maybe there never will be. But we made our choice, and if it doesn't work, we have to to live with everything we lost. No matter what you think, I still loved you when I told you about Izzy. I just didn't want to lie to you. Now I'm in exactly the same boat all over again. Try to pretend feelings aren't there when I know fuck well they are."

Harri's eyebrow arched upwards at the last part. "What feelings?" She wasn't going to argue that things had been hard, and complicated. She knew damn well they had been. She'd also made sure Ali had been okay, keeping their friendship alive. She wasn't giving up on it just because she wasn't with James. There were some things she couldn't just cut out. "I appreciate you not lying to me, but that hardly makes up for how painful it was. I gave you my heart, James. No one else has had it. Now I remember why."

"I told you I would hurt you," James told her, meeting her eyes again. "And I told you that because even though everyone else can't see it, I know everything that is packed into my head, from my jobs to losing David, to losing Izzy, to losing you, to knowing how much I left Ali high and dry, to not knowing how to help my brother in his heartache. I know that emotionally, I have fallen off the wagon more than I have gotten back onto it. Emotionally, I don't know where the fuck I stand. I didn't know where the fuck I stood when I met you, either. I was someone else. Now I'm trying to be me again. I warned you over and over again, Harri, that I didn't know what I was doing and that you might get hurt because of it. I've told you I was sorry, but I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing anymore. Everyone says you can't love two people, but they never give me any clues of how I'm supposed to feel inside, and all I feel is lost. I stay, things hurt. I go away to try and make a clean break, things hurt. I can't apologise enough, but as long as I'm still hurting myself, how could I ever know how to not hurt other people? I just want to be happy, only I'm incapable of knowing what that is anymore. I don't know if I have enough of me left to give anyone, but I'm trying. I just know that if there is even just a small piece of me left, right now there is only one person who has to get that." He pointed to her swollen stomach. "My son."

Harri reached out to grab his hand, and held it as she kissed the back of it. It was all she could manage, with her baby bump she wasn't sure she'd be able to get up and kiss his forehead without knocking him out. "I want you happy to, even if I was wishing your balls would shrivel up and drop off for days on end. I'm sorry if I couldn't give you happiness, and I'm sorry if you won't be able to find it with Isabel because you're doubting yourself. I will, however, be glad if you can find it with our son."

James closed his eyes and rested his forehead against her fingers. This wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair. Why couldn't he just know in his gut not what he wanted, but what he needed? Why, when he had been with Harri, did it feel so much like he needed Izzy, and now, that he was with Izzy, did it feel so much like he needed Harri? In the meantime, he had caused Cameron to feel the only route was to step away from Izzy and his own kids. James had probably potentially ruined everything for the guy that he so desperately needed with his own son. Their son. This realisation caused a sob to catch in his throat. How had he stolen something so precious from someone in a stupid moment of weakness? But they had made their choice. He and Izzy were trying to make something work again, and it wasn't that it wasn't working. It was, maybe better than it ever had with them. Only, what was it that was working? There was the warmth there, the comfort and familiarity. The friendship. The deep, undeniable loving friendship. But were their hearts really there for a passionate and romantic relationship? Did they even want that off each other anymore, or was the sex they had just for comfort and security? For reminding each other they weren't dead, and still had each other? He loved Izzy, and always had done, but was that special little spark that had the heart turning in somersaults there anymore or was it just loving affection that wasn't ever going to die between them? "Can I be there when he's born?" he asked in a whisper, squeezing his hand tightly. "Please? I don't want to miss it. I want to be there for you both."

Harri gave a nod, her blue eyes fixed on him. "Yes. Just don't blame if I do try and rip your dick off. It won't be too personal." She shifted in her seat, grunting as a bolt of pain shot through her back. But there was something else, something else much more worrying as she kept looking at James, and felt a familiar heat creep throughout her body, and start to make her pulse with need. "You need to go now, James. Before I try and jump you despite the beach ball."

James stood up stiffly and nodded. "Yeah, of course." He hadn't actually taken in what she said, just that she wanted him to go and he knew he had to respect that. He could hardly think straight and his head was starting to do that pressured throbbing thing again. "Just, um... if you need anything, give me a call," he told her, shoving his hands into his pockets so he didn't try to reach for her. He had to get out of there too before he did anything he would regret.

Harri was already doing something she regretted as she pulled him in for a kiss, managing it despite the baby bump between them. "I can't call you with what I need," she said helplessly when she'd broken the kiss off. "You're with her now. I'm sorry about the--I couldn't help it. I did warn you."

James touched his lips and looked at her in shock for a few moments. He blinked, trying to wade through the confusion and took a step towards the door. "I-I'll go," he said and looked away, heading out the door as quickly as he could. He couldn't take this anymore. If he didn't get out, he would screw everything up all over again. He had tears in his eyes as he escaped her office, but shot her receptionist a filthy look as he left, just to try and make himself feel better. He knew, however, he had no one to blame but himself.

Words: 4366

RP Log with cameronpreston

straight2point — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 09:10:47 GMT

[Follows THIS]

A sheet was draped over Harri's belly, her long legs wrapped around it as she gave a satisfied sigh, even laughed a little. The arousal that had been driving her crazy for hours was gone, in it's place nothing but bliss. Her hand moved, touching her breasts tenderly to somehow urge them to stop aching. As her hand moved back down, it brushed against a leg that wasn't hers. Somehow in the seconds between orgasm, and now, she'd forgotten who had been fucking her.

She was naked, pregnant with another man's baby, and Cameron Preston was still nestled up tight behind her. Her hand moved again, fingers brushing against his arse. She wished things were different. She wished she'd stayed with Cameron, and had never given Marcus fucking Fraser another thought. Then she felt the baby kick, and let a sigh, this one full of sadness. She wanted the baby.

Harri found Cameron's hand, and pressed it against her belly, letting him feel her son kick. "Thank you."

Cameron let his hand linger for only a few moments before he pulled it away. It felt strange, in a way he wasn't sure he could place in his mind. There was maybe just a hint of awkwardness creeping through him, and the whole hand on the belly thing brought him back down to reality with a hard thump. That felt like a post-coital biological father thing to do, not a post-coital frustrated bordering on angry sex fucking with a muddy past between them and their exes. "I would say any time, but I'm not sure if we did the right thing or not," he admitted, turning his head to see her face. The sex was kind of awkward, but the frustration fuelled them on to something that was more than satisfying, as much as he hated to admit it, there was a few moments in the middle there where he actually was imagining sleeping with Mel. He grabbed one of the spare pillows and stuffed it under his knee so it wouldn't start to hurt. "Think that will keep you going til the kid comes?"

Harri smirked. "Nope, not at all. I'm going to need more. I won't ask you again." Harri wanted to roll onto her back but it was too uncomfortable at this stage. "I don't know if it was right, or wrong, but it felt fucking fantastic." And maybe, for a little while, she'd wished she'd been with James. That it had been him satisfying her, laying with her. "Will it help you realise sex isn't so bad?"

Cameron puffed his cheeks out and had to laugh. "It actually was quite bad at the start when neither of us knew what the fuck to do with the pregnant stomach and fucked knee," he had to point out. At least he could see the humour in it. "And it did maybe make me wonder if wanting sex elsewhere was a good idea. A lot to ask of the chick. But I don't know... I guess I don't want to overthink it too much. I'm also not going to be able to keep this from Pat. I'm apparently very readable when I'm guilty. Which means, Aiden will probably find out too. Are you alright with that?"

"As long as he doesn't stop me from watching him masturbate, I am," Harri murmured as she rubbed her hand over her belly again. She started to laugh, remembering the beginning. "Well, think of it this way. You go find yourself a non-pregnant chick and the sex will be even better. I like to think I'm the best, but I know I'm not on form. Not with the beach ball. I'm okay with them both knowing. We're all adults."

Cameron's eyebrows shot up. "Stop from watching him what? Are you serious? You want to watch Aiden jerk off?" he asked, laughing. "I don't know whether to be amused or scared at that. You remember he's gay, right? The baby hasn't zapped your brain totally?" He scrunched his nose up and snorted. "I had a non-pregnant chick. She wanted to fuck a dead guy who stopped being dead. Now I've shagged a pregnant chick. I think this orgasm is going to have to keep me going for awhile. My cock is in shock."

"I've done it before a few times. Of course I remember he's bloody gay. I'm not that zapped." Harri took his hand again, and sucked on his finger before kissing his palm. "Not all non-pregnant chicks want to fuck dead guys, love. Some will be more than happy to fuck you, and you alone. Was it really that bad? Your cock didn't seem that scared."

"Well, it wasn't then, but I think it got front row views of your kid. It's probably scarred for life," Cameron said with a small smirk. "You know, it's not going to make any difference to you if I shag any other chicks or not, but you seem determined to be my pimp. Is this another pregnant thing? And I want to know how watching a gay guy masturbates is hot for you. He's gay! It's not a two-way street." For some reason, random banter just fit right now. It didn't feel as awkward as he thought it might, he was just ultra-aware how pregnant she was.

"So? It's a lovely cock, and it's hard, and watching him come is hot. I'm a fag hag for a reason, love. I earned my stripes. Hey, there's nothing wrong with getting a front row view of my kid. I bet he's gorgeous. I'm only trying to be your pimp, because I think it's better than nursing a broken heart. I don't want to feel like shit, and sit around mope. I don't think you should, either. You've had enough with your knee." Harri closed her eyes, feeling relaxed in the presence of a friend, even if they'd just shared awkward angry pregnant sex.

It was as if talking about his cock drew attention to it, and Cameron had to reach down and give it a lethargic scratch. "I'm not mourning the relationship that was basically hardly anything. I'm mourning my career and my mobility more than anything else. That's just not conducive to launching myself back on the single market when I was basically just a player before anyway. I don't need chicks to survive. In fact, when I started thinking I might, look at the shit it got me into. Meanwhile, my other half throws up on a bloke and wins his heart forever. I give up. I'm sticking my jock nose back into my jock life, even if it means just being a mascot for awhile."

Harri turned her head to glance at him from over her shoulder. "You can still do better than bloody rabid fangirls. You have no idea what's been crawling up their vaginas."

"I have no idea what's been crawling up yours either, but that didn't stop you hitting on me," Cameron pointed out, laughing. "I don't need anymore shit. Girls lead to shit. No offense. And anyway... I'm going home. It wouldn't be fair to start anything here..."

"I keep things clean, and I haven't fucked anyone since... him. And that was a while ago," Harri replied with a huff, not seeing the funny side. Then she narrowed her eyes, beginning the awkward task of rolling over onto her other side so she could face Cameron. "Who have you met?"

Cameron looked at her, slightly harbouring a deer caught in headlights look. "What? I haven't met anyone!" he reflexively evaded, clearing his throat. "What makes you ask that?"

"You trailed off. You didn't finish your sentence because there's a someone with which it would not be fair to start something." Harri was watching him, gaze firmly fixed on his face to pick up any nuances that told her she was right. And so far, she was sure she was. "Who is she?"

"It's no one and stop looking at me like that. She was all nervous about guys anyway, and maybe a little odd, but she got me at a bad time, then I felt guilty so I offered to buy her a drink. And I will, before I go back to England," Cameron clarified, pulling the sheets up over him. If she wanted to fuck him, she was going to have to deal with him taking a nap in her bed because he couldn't be arsed dealing with getting dressed, and the crutches and shit to get to his own.

Harri didn't mind if he took a nap, so long as he was prepared for her to stay in her bed, and quite possibly engage in the noisier side of pregnancy. The flatulence was something she wouldn't mind not having. "A little odd? Enough to spark interest? You didn't have to offer the drink. You could have felt guilty and just apologised."

Cameron wasn't exactly a prude, but he was probably guilty of thinking chicks like Harri didn't do things like fart in bed. She always seems so composed and self-assured. Truth was, he actually preferred being with girls who kept it real and could be themselves around him. Tara and Lachlan seemed to have the whole package, and could laugh and joke about their less-than-modest sides when they wanted to. Lachlan was never going to end up with a girl who didn't tell it like it was, and they fit perfectly. If Cameron was honest with himself, he wanted that too one day. He just wasn't sure where the fuck to find it, and he would settle for having a close friend he could let it all hang out with, and vice versa. So far, he had failed abysmally. "Why didn't I? I was trying to be nice. She's the sister of a nurse Riley works with, a fan on some level. Though, not like the usual ones. I was being an emo, evasive bastard. I figured I should offer her something by way of an apology. She said she had issues talking to guys and I wasn't exactly helping the fact. Especially not when she-" He stopped, pulling his lips to the side. "It doesn't matter anyway."

As if just talking about it was enough to have her stomach respond for itself, Harri farted. Loudly. She held Cameron's gaze calmly for all of five seconds before she started to laugh. "Shit, sorry. I was actually going to warn you about that. It's the fun part of pregnancy no one really talks about. Unless you're Ali, or Tara." It had felt like an age since Harri had been this relaxed with someone. It wasn't even the sex, it was just have someone to talk to. She had Aiden, but he needed to be with his husband, and she got that. "Not when what? You can't just leave me hanging, Cameron."

Cameron was stunned, and for a few moments, he actually thought it might have been him. He gaped at her in disbelief and then laughed. "Was that really you? Bloody hell! There I was thinking you were all refined and self-composed. That all goes out the door in a heartbeat. Now you're going to try and blame it on the pregnancy. Your poor kid. That's worse than blaming the dog," he joked, still sniggering. "You practically farted on me! I could leave you hanging, if I was a prude. But I'm not, still not sure I want to actually talk about it though because I had convinced myself in my head it was nothing, and was going to stay nothing."

Harri grinned mischievously, her blue eyes sparkling. For the first time in weeks she felt lighthearted. "Yes, it was really me! And I have every intention of blaming it on the pregnancy. You have no idea how much this kid is making me fart. I can't help it, okay? It's all the kid. He's definitely a boy. And don't act like you didn't love it." Harri raised her eyebrows. "But you want it to be something?"

Cameron smirked. "Okay, without getting into the Pandora's Box of kink that comment could open, I'll admit I like it when a girl keeps it real. It goes beyond intimacy. In saying that, I've not been with many girls long enough for them to even think they can not wear make up having sex, let alone anything beyond that. A relationship like Tara and Lachlan's, that's what I want one day. Pat and Aiden have it too, but Pat will insist it's because he has been sick for most of it and there's no holds barred when one of you is sick. It just seems... nice, you know?" he said, maybe even a little wistfully. "So, fart away. I don't mind, really. I was just pulling the piss. I know the pregnant thing does weird things to your body. I don't know what I want, Harri. Maybe that's the problem? All I can feel that I want it to go to bed alone with the remote control and not get up for... a good few months."

"Doesn't everyone? I don't think I want to try for it again, though. I'm done. I can do the mother thing, but I'm not going to pursue the wife, or girlfriend thing. It's too much hassle. There was a reason I avoided it for so long. I should have never tried in the first place. That doesn't mean you should stop looking. You won't ever find it if you don't try and make something something, and not nothing." Harri reached out with a small smile and brushed her hand over Cameron's arm. "Good, because I might be feeling another one brewing. It sounds like you do know what you want. You want the nice thing with the farting girl who doesn't wear make up. Have you been sleeping at night?"

Cameron turned his head on the pillow, watching her. He went to say something, but his knee stared pulsing in pain again and he cursed, shifting positions and shoving another pillow underneath it. He had broken out into another light sweat by the time he was done and wet his lips. But he was soon looking back at her again. "Do you still love him? I know this is me, and it probably feels weird talking about it because he fucked me over too, but do you? Do you still wish you were with him?" he asked. He looked back up at the ceiling, his hand resting on his chest. "Just keep it on your side of the bed, or I might need to return the favour. Makes me sound like I want some sort of chick who hates being a girl. It's not like that. I still like when girls wear nice dresses and make up. Just, when it's just us, and we're comfortable together, I want her to just be able to be herself. If that's what herself is. It's not like everyone doesn't fart. I guess it's the companionship side of things I think I'm pretty much lost on. It never seems to work for me. Pat always got that mojo better than I did. And no, not really. I get a few hours here and there, sometimes sleep in the day, but never for very long."

Harri stared at Cameron for a long time, not sure if she wanted to answer or not. "Yes, and yes. I wish I did fucking hate him because it would be so much easier. He hurt me. A lot. He ripped out my heart, Cameron. And yet I still love him. It's fucked up." She reached out to cover his hand with hers. "You can stay here as long as you want. Sleep, get some rest. I could use the companionship, even borrowed."

Cameron blew out a breath. "I should probably just go back to my room. Knowing my luck, Aiden will crash in here and catch us in the sack and that could get awkward." Post-coital chats weren't exactly something he was used to anyway. It was a miracle they got this far. "I'm sorry you still have feelings for him. I wonder if he realises you're in exactly the same boat he apparently finds himself with Isabel. Only, they get to have their cake and eat it too, and you get left up shit creek without a paddle. It's screwed up."

"I'd help you get up, but once I'm down, I'm down." She pulled her hand away, giving him a chance to move if he wanted it. "I'm sorry too, but it is what it is. I'll just have to learn to swim in the shit creek."

Cameron merely nodded as he shifted in the bed. He had a slight sense she was over the conversation. She wanted a fuck, he fucked her, end of story. He got to the side of the bed and slowly pulled his pants on, careful not to twist his knee. He reached for his crutches and got up into a standing position, realising how tired he was now. He was definitely going back to his own bed to pass out for a few hours. "If you need anything, let me know. I'm just down the hall."

Harri nodded against the pillow. She hadn't actually wanted him to leave, but it wasn't fair keeping him now her mind had gone back to James. God, she wished she could truly hate him. "Thank you, and the same goes for you."

Cameron was definitely going to bed, probably with the covers up over his head... maybe for a few days. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now he wasn't sure what to think. Actually, it hadn't seemed like much of a good idea, but he did it anyway, and they couldn't take it back. He gave her a small wave and moved to the door. At least on the upside, he couldn't knock her up, could he?

Words: 3011

For strips4u

straight2point — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 09:58:00 GMT

How do you feel about jobs that require crossing state lines?

For musebysentence | 14.5 One Time

straight2point — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 10:44:56 GMT

It was only going to take this one time for her to make sure her heart was locked up tight so it wouldn't happen again.

musesandlyrics | 1.26 Stand By Me lyrics

straight2point — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 09:44:37 GMT

1.26. When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we see
No I won't be afraid
No I won't be afraid
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
'Stand By Me' - John Lennon

Co-written with mrpublicity
[Follows THIS and THIS]

Aiden wasn't sure anymore what he was supposed to feel. Maybe angry would be a good start, but he just couldn't. He couldn't be angry at Pat, despite all that Cameron had revealed. He wanted to be because that would be the easiest reaction to tap into. It was more just because he now knew what Pat had been shielding from him. Everything seemed to suddenly be in a different light that Aiden just wanted to shy away from because he couldn't face any of it without Pat. And there was the weird sudden change in things between Cameron and Izzy. Where the hell had that come from? Had Aiden just really been so distressed over Pat's condition that he hadn't been able to process anything beyond it and missed what was going on in the background, or had a load of shit really just gone down in the blink of an eye? Isabel was pregnant, and while Aiden knew it was irrational, he was envious. What he wouldn't give to be able to accidentally fall pregnant, and it seemed to be happening left, right and center, cutting deep every single time.

It didn't help at all to hear that Pat deep down really wanted a family. It had been easier to take when he thought Pat didn't want it. Easier to be blase and indifferent.

He hugged himself as a small shiver crept over his skin. He was sitting out in the ICU corridor just across from Pat's room. Cameron was in there alone with Pat, and Aiden figured the guy could use the time alone. At least from here, he could see if Pat woke up. It was unlikely, though. It was best he was asleep while he healed. Camereon had asked him if regretted taking any of this on, and his answer had been honest, but he wished he could just find some respite from the hurt. It was starting to take it's toll. Babies and families and surrogates and uteruses aside... Aiden just wanted his husband back.

Harri was waddling back from her tenth trip to the toilet in an hour. Or at least that's what it felt like. She'd love to have some parts of the pregnancy just stop. Like the endless toilet trips, bizarre cravings, and back pain. Then there were her sore breasts, and the flatulence. She'd never felt so unsexy before. It was ironic just how horny she was all the while, through. Horny and unable to act on it now that James was indisposed. She frowned, trying to work out if she'd done the right thing. She'd given James permission to fuck around on her with his ex in the hopes that he got closure, but a part of her was wondering if she hadn't just buggered up. What if there was no closure, and a realisation that James and Izzy still loved each other more than anything?

Where did that leave Harri, and her unborn son?

She saw Aiden sitting alone in the corridor and lowered herself into the chair next to him. She was wearing a stylish maternity dress, but it wasn't helping her feel any less bloated, or fat. She put one hand on her bump, and the other on Aiden's arm. "Think the staff would mind if I just hijacked a bed for myself?"

Aiden blinked a few times to drag himself back to reality. He hadn't even noticed when she sat down initially, which was saying something because she really was on the huge side. Not that he would actually verbalise the fact to her. He liked his balls where they were. "I don't know, they don't look much more comfortable than the fucked up chairs they offer. Chairs I don't think any of the staff have ever actually sat in because they would know they're torture devices. All that is missing are a bed of nails under the ass."

Harri made a face. "I think haemorroids is enough, thanks. It's like everything in my body has to be pushed out to make room for the evil spawn. I don't need nails as well. These chairs really are fucking uncomfortable. I have half a mind just to buy a couple of expensive arm chairs for both of us, and get some muscley men to bring them up. Then we can keep them after, and have them on hand." She moved her hand, taking his as she rest her head against his. "You okay, soul sister?"

Aiden shook his head a little. "No," he admitted quietly. He looked ahead at Cameron sitting at Pat's beside in the room across from them. "You know those times in life where one minute, you're pretty sure you've got a good hold on things and that you have a pretty firm footing. Things might be shit, but you know what page you're on? Then the next moment, something changes, shifts, and like dominoes, everything just comes crashing down after it and all you can do is just stand there in the pile of shit and wonder what the fuck you're supposed to do?" he asked, gesturing with his hand for emphasis. "I think that just happened."

Harri's eyebrows went up. She was looking at Aiden, her blue eyes analysing his face before she glanced into Pat's room, and tried to fill in the blanks. "Did something happen? Is it Pat?"

"No, Pat's doing okay. They said he seems to be responding to the medication. This is me being extremely good and not losing it over the fact my husband's brain is bleeding. I'm doing a pretty good job, don't you think?" Aiden murmured, stretching forward a little to ease the stiffness in his back. He looked at her, his blue eyes taking in how she looked pregnant. It still seemed so strange. He was used to her looking not pregnant, but it did suit her. She looked beautiful. "Cameron and I had a reluctant talk. I not-so-subtlely pointed out he looked like shit, then he threw the same compliment right back at me. It could have been bonding if the situation wasn't so fucked up. He told me things. A lot of things. Pat's been keeping things from me."

Harri's hair was done in a loose plait, and hung over her shoulder. She brushed her fringe out of her eyes, and glanced down at her bump. She still felt awful for her uterus becoming occupied when she'd always promised it to Aiden. And now there was even a little regret with the idea of James sleeping with Isabel. Harri had a feeling this pregnancy was mellowing for the worse. "Keeping things? What's he got to keep from you? And to be fair you both look like shit, and I don't mean that as a compliment. I think you're doing a stellar job, but you're still looking tired and stressed. Which is understandable given your husband's brain is bleeding. If you can't let it out verbally, it's going to come out somehow."

"I promise I won't start drinking," Aiden said with an attempt to joke, but it fell flat as he wet his lips and swallowed. "He's got a lot. You know the whole he doesn't want babies thing? It's false. A protective mechanism. Cameron told me Pat wants kids, has always wanted a family and kids. His family even expected Pat to be the first to become a father. He told Cameron this as recent as the hospital in Liverpool when they reunited after the fight. But he has been telling everyone he doesn't want kids to try and convince himself he doesn't. He doesn't want us to start a family and have me shouldered with the burden of nursing him when he's at his worst and raising a baby because he won't be able to help..."

He felt tears prick his eyes and a couple escaped, dripping down his cheeks but he brushed them away. "When he first got sick, he was disgusted in himself and didn't think he deserved to have what he wanted because no one would ever want him like that. And to top it all off, apparently Tara and Lachlan have offered for Tara to be a surrogate, with a donor egg, but Pat turned them down. He never even mentioned it to me."

Harri rubbed her hand against Aiden's back and leaned over to kiss his temple. "Oh, love, I'm sorry. I'm sure he was just trying to protect you in his strange way. He's clearly used to people abandoning him. People who aren't his brother, or Lachlan, and Tara. You can't really blame him for playing that particular card to his chest. When you're not used to being with someone who loves you no matter what, it's hard to adjust. You of all people should understand that. It took Pat to make you realise being in love was so bad. Even I have my issues, but I'm working through them because I want to make this work."

She sucked in a breath, and looked at Aiden. "Do you still want kids? And now you know that Pat does... do you want them more?"

Aiden rubbed his face. "Of course I do. I've always wanted them eventually, when I found a guy to settle down with. You know that. It didn't change when I met Pat, it just got stronger, but I thought he didn't want them, because he has told me from the start he didn't. But we didn't talk about it often, in the early days, he just changed the subject." He scraped his nails across his scalp to try and take the tired ache that seemed to constantly be in his head now. "Isabel's pregnant. With twins."

Harri's eyes went wide as her mouth fell open. "What?"

Aiden pressed his lips together to stop a string of random negative comments about James falling from his mouth. "Yeah. He found out just before Pat got sick. They found out yesterday that she was having twins. Or today. I lost track of time. He's worked himself up into a screwed up state thinking it's going to hurt Pat telling him because Cameron's never really wanted kids."

Harri looked away, frowning deeply. Izzy was pregnant, and James was off probably fucking her brains out. She had to wonder if he knew, and if he did, why didn't that knowledge help him realise closure had maybe already been achieved. If he was messing around while both women were pregnant, Harri could only assume she and Cameron didn't mean much to James and Isabel. "Fuck," she cursed softly. "He's being stupid if he thinks Pat could hate him for something like that. Pat would never deny his brother anything. It might still hurt, but it's hardly going to end their relationship. They're brothers. There's nothing so bad it would interfere."

"Except he doesn't know if the kids are his. She's cheating on him," Aiden told her, his eyes narrowing slightly as he watched Harri's face closely for her reaction. "He's taken too many blows. He's homesick. He wants to go home."

Harri's jaw tightened. "She's technically not cheating when we both gave permission." Harri took a long moment to meet Aiden's gaze. "But I don't blame him for wanting to go home. I don't know what I've done."

Aiden's face fell into a frown. "What the fuck? Yes, it fucking is cheating! They didn't have to say yes! I knew it was him. I'm going to kill the fucking bastard! No offense, but he's hurting Cameron, and that means he's hurting my husband by default. That's before my brain even processes the fact he's fucking hurting you and my godson. I am going to kill him painfully. I put it off until now because you loved him and he was supposed to be a great guy, all things considered but fuck this! Fuck this fucking to hell! The least they could have fucking done was wait until Pat was out of hospital! I-" He stopped, his face turning just that little bit more red as he growled. "They fucking did it under my roof!"

She let Aiden vent, almost watching it with pleasure. He was saying everything she wanted to say, but felt like she couldn't. She was still waiting for James to call her up, and tell her it was over. Tell her he was leaving her to be a single mum because he'd rather raise Isabel's babies than hers. She couldn't believe Izzy was pregnant. It was like a slap to the face. Nothing could be Harri's, Izzy had to have what she had, and then do it better. Not just one baby, but twins. Not just Cameron, but James. "I hate her," Harri said quietly. "I never fucking trusted her, and now I know why. He was actually angry at first. Angry that I'd consider 'renting' him out to her. I was trying to do the right fucking thing. If they kept dancing around each other I was going to hit them both. It's not an easy thing to watch. Now I've just gone and put a fucking nail in the coffin, haven't I?"

Aiden was wringing his hands together, fingers automatically seeking out his wedding ring for some sort of grounding. He was furious, but this wasn't the time or place to explode about it. In the whole medical thing, he was glad they let Pat put his own ring back on after the procedures were complete. Strange now that after the summer and the sun, they both had tanlines when they took the rings off. Even that was comforting. "Who does that?" he asked with a disbelieving shake of his head. "They could have waited. Neither of them were going and fucking shrivel up and die if they didn't fuck each other immediately. Though I really wish they would right now. She was fucking around on my best friend in my home when my husband is unconscious in the ICU. She was fucking around on her boyfriend under his identical twin's roof while his identical twin is unconscious in the ICU. If that fucking bastard was here right now, I would kill him. If I even begin to say all the reasons I want to kill him, I will have to hit something or scream, and I can't risk them throwing me out of here."

Harri straightened, her face becoming expressionless as she sat there. She was angry, she was pissed off. It just wasn't going to serve to express it to anyone but James. She also had no one to blame but herself. She'd told him he could. She hadn't told him when because that was the part that had made him angry. And now it had happened. "If he has decided to go back to her... can I stay with you and Pat for a little while?"

Aiden nodded slowly and then looked at her, taking her hand. "Cameron's going to be there. How do you feel about that?" he asked and looked over at the twins in the room. "Fuck this. Fuck it to hell. What have they done? Seriously, what have they done? I'm not saying you or me or whatever has done anything, but Pat and Cameron were innocent bystanders and it's just all blown up. I hate them both. The fucking bastards. They've ruined everything."

Harri arched an eyebrow slightly. "I feel fine about it, why wouldn't I? It's more a matter of whether he's going to mind me being there. I am carrying devil spawn now." Harri let out a controlled breath, and smoothed her hand over her bump. It was still her child, not just James'. She loved her unborn son. She wasn't sure she could bring herself to regret the pregnancy, even if it did come at the cost of a fight with Aiden. "The timing leaves something to be desired, but it was probably always going to happen. It was a ticking time bomb we all tried to ignore, and failed. I hate that Cameron and Pat have been affected. I don't think it's fair."

"No," Aiden said firmly with a shake of his head. "You're carrying your son, and my godson. Pat's godson. Cameron's not an unreasonable guy. He tried to do the right thing, but probably, like you, hoped they would be bigger people and not do it. I don't know. I'm not even going to begin to understand their situation because I want to spit on them. I can't bring myself to care, it's so fucked up. But whatever it is, they could have just been fucking honest and not strung everyone on. They can go get fucked. We'll pick up the pieces. Whatever it takes. The only problem is, love, he probably won't just walk away from the kid. It's his son too."

"He probably won't, but that doesn't mean I have to stay in that apartment." She couldn't even bring herself to say 'our' apartment. She was already dividing things up in her head, and working out how she was going to get her things out without needing to deal with James more than necessary. "We're not going to be the first couple to raise our child seperately. I have no wish in playing house if he's going to be living with her."

Aiden closed his eyes tiredly with a small nod of agreement. "Then go back to your own. You only moved out because of him. You haven't sold up yet. I'd offer to came stay with you, but I don't know how much rehab Pat is going to need after all this. You can stay with us as long as you need. Maybe we can help each other through the shit?" he murmured.

"That's why I want to stay with you. I need to regather myself before I go back to living alone, and considering life as a single mother." Harri took Aiden's hand. "I'll help you with Pat. You won't have to do it alone."

Aiden offered her a slight smile, but it didn't quite gather it's usual momentum. "I wish I could say it'll be easy, but it won't. I'll probably suck, but at least we'll be together. We kind of lost that lately," he admitted. "I know it's just been because of everything going on."

Harri gave a nod. "Of course. And if anything, I do want us back. Soul sisters forever, and all that. I love you, Aiden."

Aiden rested his head against hers, closing his eyes again. He would be extremely grateful if all the shit wanted to stop, any time soon, would be really nice. Unfortunately, he suspected it was only just beginning. "I love you too."

Words: 3128 | All muses referred to with permission and come from the princeton2nyc verse

For musesandlyrics | 1.21 Lasso Lyrics

straight2point — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 09:19:04 GMT

1.21. Forever is a long long time
When you lost your way
'Lasso' - Phoenix

Co-written with agentfraser | Follows THIS

By the time James and Izzy's conversation eased to an end, James had a slight fuzzy confusion in his head. His hands were shaking slightly, too, the stress clearly throwing off his bloo sugar levels. He stopped at the vending machine in the foyer to get a bottle of orange juice and contemplated booking in to a hotel in Princeton for the night so he could rest and not have to worry about driving all the way back to the city while he was feeling a little off. The talk with Izzy had left him drained and confused.

As he rode the elevator up to the ICU, he flipped his wallet open and pulled out Harri's most recent ultrasound picture at six months, taken about two weeks ago. So much had changed in the last six months that James was stunned he had even retained his sanity. Ironically, it was about a year to the day that Ali revealed she was pregnant, a year since the huge blow up where James found her ultrasound photo and thought it had been Izzy's, and that she was pregnant with his kid. It had all been such a huge mess, and it only happened because Ali had been terrified about what she was facing. A year since James promised her he would be there for her, no matter what. A false promise. A promise that could've have ruined them all. Back then, he had been spooked and horrified at the prospect Izzy was pregnant. He had knew his SS recruitment was pending, sure, but that was one of the last things that had crossed his mind with it all. It terrified him because it threatened to give him hope, and threatened to give him a purpose not to walk away like he had been building up to over a year. When he found out it wasn't Izzy, the disappointment had choked him up. It wasn't meant to be, and he used it as an excuse to convince himself that the SS had been the right move all along.

Without a doubt, the whole thing had just been an avalanche of bad judgment on his part. Not bad judgment in regards to his career, but extremely bad and painful judgment when it came to his personal life, his personal feelings, what he really wanted deep down and was too frightened to let himself admit to. Now with Izzy's revelation that she was pregnant with the footballer, it had forced all the feelings James at tried to lock away back to the forefront. A year ago, he had wanted Izzy to have his baby, and it was something he had never admitted to her. He just slammed his barriers up so he didn't get hurt again. That had been the story of his life since he lost David. He didn't run away like Izzy, he just built walls around himself that anyone else found impossible to breach. Throwing himself into his work was always the answer. Telling people he was committment phobic was a secondary tactic. Those two protective mechanisms had been a bad mix and sent his life into a lonely, fiery mess.

Then Harri infiltrated his new life when he was trying his hardest to remain indifferent to everything to pull off the masquerade. And that is all it had been. A charade. He knew now that he was never going to pull it off forever. He could never survive without the small handful of people he loved more than life itself. He just hadn't been able to see any of that before it was all falling apart around him. Now Harri and Izzy were both pregnant. James wanted to be a father now, and he loved Harri. He did. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake that deep-seated yearning he had unknowingly harboured to have everything Harri was giving him from Izzy. He started to feel a little sick with the discontent, like it was dipping the floor under his world and making him dizzy. He put the ultrasound photo away as the elevator dinged, and he took a long drink of the juice as he exited the elevator. He found Harri sitting on one of the benches lining the stark hospital corridor, looking into a room across from her. As James approached, he could see she was watching Aiden in Pat's hospital room. James swallowed and sat down beside her, the juice cupped in his hands. "Surprise," he told her with a small smile.

Harri was so used to sitting quietly lately, that it was almost a surprise to find James sitting next to her, and talking to her. Isabel was here for Cameron, but she seemed to be avoiding Harri again. It shouldn't have been a surprise. Harri got on a lot better with Ali lately, but James' wife/ex/best friend was a whole other thing. Sometimes she thought she should try harder, other times she wasn't so sure why she should try.

Harri glanced at James, and smiled a little, before her gaze was back on Aiden in Pat's room. "People don't understand how hard it is to wait... They don't understand how draining it is just sitting in a chair and watching someone who's unconcious. All the thoughts that go through your head, all the stress that keeps you from ever really sleeping. I hate that I know how he feels." She rubbed her hand against her swollen belly, and looked at James again. "I always knew doing something like this for Aiden would never be a problem. He's my best friend, and he's my family. I love him no matter what. I didn't think I had it in me to sit vigil by your bedside when you went in that coma, but I did. I didn't think I'd have the patience to stick around through all that spy crap... but I did. I didn't think I had it in me to be pregnant, but I am."

She looked down at her bump, and sighed. "You've given me a lot, and I can't bring myself to actually regret any of it, because you showed me I'm not just some ice bitch. I have a heart, and I can use it. I don't regret getting knocked up, even if I whinge a lot. And I do love you... I'm just not her, and I never was. I don't want to be someone's placeholder. Waiting's not always a conscious thing. Some of us wait for what we always wanted, and we're not always smart enough to recognise it until it's gone."

James tried to wrap his head around what she was saying. He was trying to follow, but it wasn't really coming clearly. "Not who?" he asked. "I'm not sure what you're trying to tell me," he admitted, watching her closely with a frown of confusion.

"I'm not Isabel," Harri told him quietly. "She didn't wait because she thought you were dead. You didn't give yourself a chance to wait because you assumed you weren't ever allowed to go back to her, or see her."

James wet his lips and went to say something, but he stopped, needing a couple more moments to process what he should say. "Well, yeah..." he finally answered. "I'm not Pat, either, or Aiden. Neither is Izzy. I'm not sure what you're trying to tell me here, babe. You need to give me a bit more to work with. Has something happened between you and Izzy?" Strange, because Izzy didn't mention anything like that.

Harri smirked a little. "Not directly. She just doesn't seem interested in being left alone with me. It's just watching Aiden with Pat, I remember the look on her face when she came to sit with me while you were in hospital. I don't know if I had the same look. I wouldn't even know if you'd have the same look if anything happened to me." Harri reached up to rub her fingers against her forehead. "You do get the same look sometimes when you look at her. Even just hanging out."

"Izzy has... a bit of a little internal, uh, issue right now," James told her, finding himself wanting to offload the news to Harri, but knowing Aiden didn't know could make it really messy for Cameron, and he didn't want to cause the poor bastard more stress. "I don't think anyone really has the same look in situations like this. Everyone deals with it in a different way. You've got to remember that Izzy's sat with me through that twice before. The first time, I nearly died and I got sick on a stakeout with her." He paused and exhaled heavily, rubbing at his own head. Somewhere along the line, he lost the ability to follow a pregnant woman's train of thought, and he had three of them to deal with now.

Harri frowned. "She has a little internal issue?" She just snorted, and reached over for her bottle of water she had on the chair on the other side of her. It was hard to rest things in her lap when she didn't feel as if she had one, or could barely see it. "Are you always going to be waiting for her?"

"Yeah, it seems to be going around." James scratched at his head and then started to pick at the label of the bottle. He felt like a whole conspiracy had been built with everyone while he had been in New York. Why was this all suddenly an issue all at once. "I'm not waiting for her, and have you been talking to Cameron?"

"No, but neither of us are blind. Alright, so maybe not waiting for her, but you still love her and you still want her." Harri took a sip of water, her gaze flicking back to Aiden and Pat briefly. "What's Cameron said?"

James put his juice down and folded his shaking hands together in front of him. "It's not how you think," he told her quietly. "We just haven't had any closure. That's what Cameron was talking to her about earlier."

"What kind of closure?" She reached out to cover his hands with one of hers, and gave him a small smile. "You okay?"

James nodded and cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'm fine, mostly. Maybe just conflicted. My blood sugar levels don't deal well with emotional stress. They never have." He let out a slow breath. "Physical closure, emotional closure, all of it, really. Things were up in the air when I left. When the SS called on my recruitment, I had to go. There was no time to get much closure with anything, not even my family. My brother still doesn't open up to me much anymore. That's a whole other issue. I'm just really confused in general right now, but it doesn't mean I don't love you any less. Or that I don't want to be with you."

"So what do you need to get closure?" She gave his hands a squeeze and leaned over to kiss his cheek. "You were dead, love. I think the movies tend to gloss over the effect ressurections have on family. Your brother's probably still dealing with the shock of everything that happend. Your walking sparked a lot of different reactions, and they were still dealing with fallout when you came back. That's not to say you shouldn't have come back, but you have to realise it'll still take a while for things to settle."

"I do realise, it just doesn't make it easier for me to swallow. I've got to live with what I did every single day. I see it in their eyes," James murmured, hunching forward a little. "Cameron told Izzy, or rather, gave her his blessing, to sleep with me for closure. He thought it's what she needed, that maybe he wasn't ever going to really have her love him while I was still hanging around in the sidelines."

"I'm sorry, love, I didn't say it to rub it in. I'm only telling you because you should realise it means you have to give yourself time as well. You lost a lot, too." Harri blinked, her face very carefully kept straight so she didn't betray her initial reaction. Truth was, she shouldn't be surprised. It probably was the most logical thing. It didn't actually hurt as much as she thought, either. She assumed to feel like she was getting cheated on, but she didn't. Probably because technically she was the other woman. She didn't exactly deserve to get high and mighty in this decision. "I'll give you a week."

James' forehead creased as he looked at her uncertainly. "You'll give me a week?" he asked, unable to hide the skepticism in his tone. Suddenly, the whole thing made him feel weird, like he had been dumped into the middle of a fucked up version of Indecent Proposal. And it almost made him feel sick. Harri would give him a week. He took his hand from hers to hug himself, trying to brush away the weird feeling crawling over his skin now. "Yeah, I'll pass. Cheers."

"I'm trying to help! I'm sorry," she huffed out as she hugged her own arms around her bump. She was getting a little past the idea of the big bump. She missed her little stylish one. The one that said 'I'm pregnant', and not 'I'm a bus'. Plus she could still work out where to put her arms. "I've never had to deal with this before. I'm just trying to find my way."

James shook his head. "Don't worry about it. I'm not going to do it. I already feel enough like a whore right now. It's a non-issue. Izzy and I are just going to have to deal with it some other way." Why did they both have to be pregnant? Why did everything always suck so much?

Harri looked at him. "Why do you feel like a whore?"

"I don't know. I just know that telling me I have a week made me feel cheap and made me realise how fucked up this whole thing is," James said honestly. He put his hand up to his mouth and bit on his thumb nail, looking down at his pristine polished shoes. "It's tough shit, but we're just going to have to deal with it however. It took me long enough to realise sex wasn't just a hobby. I'm not stuffing around with that now when my head is already fucked up as it is."

"I didn't mean a week like that. Or right now. Just, it's a huge deal. Finding closure just doesn't happen. Even if sleeping together helps, you need time to know for sure, and to do... whatever. Arrange it. I don't know. I'm not trying to make you feel cheap. I'm just saying it's not going to happen over night. If it did, then that would make me wonder about the cheapness thing." Harri reached out to try and take his hand again. "Me and Cameron are just trying to understand. What you and Izzy had was huge. No one's trying to pretend otherwise. But maybe he has a point. No closure, then how does he know he does have her?"

James squeezed her hand, but he was shifting restlessly on the seat. He couldn't tell anymore if it was his blood sugar or just emotional discontent. "She's pregnant."

"Does Cameron know?" Harri found herself asking before she could stop the words spilling out.

James nodded. "Yeah, she told him. But Aiden doesn't know, and neither does Pat. I'm guessing that's probably why Cameron's been so cut up, on top of everything else."

Harri pressed her lips together. She didn't like keeping secrets from Aiden, but she understood. "I won't say a word." She sat and watched James quietly for a long moment. "How do you feel about it?"

"Strange," James admitted quietly. "There was," he began but had to stop and wet his lips, a frown appearing on his face. "When Ali fell pregnant the first time, she hid it. She hid it really really well. Plus, me being completely oblivious to women's feelings in general, I didn't even notice something was off beyond Ali seeming to be in a bad mood twenty-four-seven. Plus, she was sick, but she told me it was food poisoning, and I actually believed her. Threw up all over my Italian leather shoes and I was still oblivious. But at work one day, I found an ultrasound photo in Izzy's draw. I jumped to the wrong the conclusions. I guess this is just dragging up strange memories."

"You know it's okay to remember, right? You don't have to worry about how I'm going to feel. It's stupid to think you wouldn't be attached to memories, and even the present. I know if I had to go through what you did, I'd still feeling something for the person I left behind. You don't have to just put up with it, though. You said yourself it didn't lessen anything you felt for me, and I believe you. I might draw the line if you ever just start making out with her in front of me, but you don't have to try and hide your feelings. Hiding stuff is what started all this." Harri smiled softly. "And you'd think after Ali and the baby that you'd realise hiding never got anyone anywhere. I still don't know how she hid it so well. I'm lucky if I remember my underwear, let alone what act of espionage I should be keeping up with."

James smirked slightly. "I think it became second nature to her by that point. She wasn't just hiding it from me, it was from her work, from herself. I knew she was messed up, but she was okay by the time I left. She was starting to accept it and she had Izzy." He rubbed a hand roughly over his face. "I'm not purposefully hiding my feelings. It's just that I really can't tell anymore what I'm feeling, or what I'm supposed to be feeling. I'm not sure if any of it can really get resolved either way right now."

"And I guess this time around it's not some love child she's ashamed of." Harri gave a nod, and took another sip of water. "So we just plod along, one foot in front of the other?"

"This time, she's not alone," James corrected. "She was never ashamed of Jamie, she was ashamed of herself for how it came about." He sighed and shrugged. "I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what to think or say or do. It just all gives me a pounding headache."

"Feel free to catch some sleep," Harri offered as she slipped her arm around his shoulders, and brushed her fingers through the ends of his hair. "I feel exahusted, but probably not for the same reasons. I could just borrow Aiden's keys, and we could go back to his and Pat's place here. If it's not confusing taking a nap with me."

James shrugged. "I was going to check into a hotel. You should check with Aiden before you go, at least let him know where you're going so he doesn't freak out. Not to assume he's like me or anything, but when shit hits the fan for me, I'm usually hyper aware of where everyone is and when so I can make sure they're okay."

Harri leaned over to kiss his temple. "I don't think anyone is quite like you, love."

Words: 3279 | All muses referred to with permission and come from the princeton2nyc verse

musebysentence | 7.4 Power

straight2point — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 12:30:13 GMT

I know now how it feels to be colonised, and then have a flag put on you to show ownership.

From Ali

straight2point — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:39:26 GMT

For muse_shuffle | June Disc Two

straight2point — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 07:17:54 GMT

20. Feel a little guilt for
The damage that's been done
It should be where you're going
Not where you're coming from
[Keep Us Together – Starsailor]

Harri had never been one for her own family, let alone anyone else’s. The exception was Aiden’s, but she barely saw them. They’d travelled to Canada twice in their friendship for the specific purpose of seeing his family, both times Harri had actually enjoyed herself. The Lewis’ were a family she could manage to abide.

She’d stood in the back of James’ hospital room, watching as tears flowed, and hugs were shared, she wondered still wondered if this was the right thing to have done. She’d wanted to see for herself that things were going okay, and that James was getting his family back, but she’d felt like an interloper at first. Partially her own fault for not announcing her presence. The family had been too intent on each other to notice her.

It was only when James had seen her and held out his hand for her that the rest of the family noticed. The brother understandably looked confused, and the parents just seemed to stare. Especially when James’ other hand went to Harri’s stomach.

As small as the bump was, there was no mistaking it on the normally skinny woman. The lies had tumbled from both their lips with ease, the backstory James had decided on enough to satisfy the Campbells. Harri should have felt bad, but she didn’t. They were lying for James, and in a way they were lying for their child. To make sure they had a chance.

It was later that Harri got a complete shock. Even as she lay in bed next to James now, in her apartment, she still couldn’t get over it. Mrs Campbell had given her a hug. They’d known each other for an hour at that stage, but Harri had been given a warm hug by James’ mother, like she was getting welcomed to the family.

Harri hadn’t known what to expect, but it wasn’t that. Normally people took a while to warm to her. Maybe it was because she honestly didn’t care anymore about keeping people at a distance, that Harri was discovering she could actually be quite nice. The pregnancy was softening her as well, even if she still had to go into work tomorrow and rip someone a new one for writing a pile of shit article.

She rolled over to look at James, and shook him gently. A week had passed since the hospital, and since that hug, and Harri still had the keys to Luke’s apartment. She’d gone to look at it herself, but she needed to look at it with James. She knew he wasn’t settled, and she understood.

“James? Love... wake up.”

She got a grunt in response as her lover rolled over, and pressed his face into her shoulder. She didn’t even know what he was. Boyfriend? Partner? Lover just seemed to fit still, until they found their proper niche.

“James, please... I need to talk to you.”

Some mumbling followed by cursing. She was greeted with one open eye as he looked up at her from under messy blond hair. “Mm?”

“Tomorrow, after the ultrasound, I need you come somewhere with me.”

“S’where?”

Harri didn’t mind the grunting, she could deal with it. She just hoped he retained some of this conversation when he woke up properly. “To look at an apartment. I think I’ve found our new home.”

He nodded as his arm slipped around her, and nuzzled back into her. “M’kay. S’good. Sleep.”

Harri covered his hand with hers, and closed her eyes finally. ‘Home’ wasn’t the scary word she’d expected it to be now that she’d said it. They were about to start their own family. Having a home just felt like the next natural progression.

agentfraser used with permission. mrpublicity referred to with permission.

RP log with agentfraser | Finding Familiarity

straight2point — Sun, 24 May 2009 02:59:26 GMT

Non-prompt RP log with agentfraser | Backdated to following THIS

James felt less like he had been hit by a bus when he woke the second time. 'Better' probably was a bit of a strong description, but it felt less like his head was being squished in a vice than when he woke and found Pierce at his bedside. He had actually thought he dreamt that, until Pierce eventually did touch his hand and James realised it was very real. He really had done it and he was back. That was a lot to try and absorb barely minutes after waking from a coma, and he had inevitably given into sleep all over again while his body and mind, and maybe even soul, tried to heal.

This time, the lights didn't feel as bright, and the covers didn't feel as heavy. The beeping wasn't assaulting his senses, even if it was annoying. The beeping meant he was alive, which really was the only start he was hoping for. He put his hand up to rub groggily at his eyes, trying to ignore the fact he had IVs in both hands. Fuck, he hated being in hospital. He hated it with a vengeance, even if he had planned the whole thing. He was still allowed to hate it, and his nose scrunched up in annoyance now he was aware of his surroundings and he couldn't stifle the small, hoarse growl that came along with it.

Harri straightened up in the chair beside James' bed, and leaned forward into his line of sight so he knew he wasn't alone. She'd been waiting patiently since Pierce left, letting herself sleep as James slept. She still wasn't leaving his side, despite the wishes of the doctors and nurses. They could all get fucked as far as Harri was concerned. She covered his hand with hers, and gave him a small smile. "Welcome back, James."

James started just a little when he realised he wasn't alone. But it was Harri, and he sucked in a breath, feeling his heart quicken slightly as he looked over her face. He hooked his fingers with hers and tried to squeeze them, but it was weak, and he felt that sting behind his eyes threatening tears. "Do you hate me?" he whispered. From the start, he had wished he could have told her everything before he did it, but it would have been too hard on her. He did what he did to protect her, all the while knowing he risked her just walking away because he was too much hassle... and taking their child with her. The fears clawed back to the surface and his stomach turned a little. "I'm so sorry."

Harri looked at him, tears pricking the backs of her eyes. She couldn't blame them on hormones, she knew exactly where these tears came from. "No, love. No... I could never hate you. Maybe it would be easier if I could, but I don't. I love you, James. I've spent more time in this chair than I have any one place. I nearly risked our child because I couldn't eat, or sleep without being scared you'd die while I wasn't looking. That's not hate." She leaned forward and brushed her lips against his cheek. "Don't be sorry, just be okay. Make sure this was worth it."

James' breathing was shallow, but it only came from having a tube down his throat for days on end. "I needed to just... there was no other way," he tried explain, a few tears escaping and dripping down his cheeks. "I-I couldn't do it anymore. I was going crazy... I didn't know who I was. I thought I could do it, but I fucked up. And now... now I have to deal with the failure and... people are going to hate me. I-I didn't think you would still be here."

Harri pushed his hair back from his forehead, and kissed it. "You need to have more faith in me, love. Trust me to still be here no matter what happens. You also need to trust that the people who love you really love you. Isabel, Ali, Aiden... they've all been here. Pierce must value you to have come here. Alex did his best, too. I think he and Isabel might kill each other. He brought Aiden for me, though. Told him I needed him... No one hates you, James."

"Pierce thinks I'm a gigantic haemorrhoid," James had to laugh slightly, despite the tears. He closed his eyes momentarily when a wash of pain swept over him, causing him to swallow heavily. As much as he wanted to, the healing wasn't one thing he was going to be able to rush and he was going to be reliant on those around him until he got back on his feet. "Going to be stuck at a desk 'til our kid is eighty, I think. If I even get a desk. He might make me work off the floor." He opened his eyes again, his forehead creasing. "That feels weird... the name. I need to get to know myself again."

"Hey, if anyone can look sexy working on the floor, it's you. Make it work for you." Harri used her thumb to brush away his tears, and moved to get his cup of water with a straw. She offered it to him, keeping the straw straight. "You do whatever you feel the need to, love. I'll need to get to know you again, too."

James was getting emotional all over again and more tears spilt over. He rolled his eyes in annoyance at himself. Hell, he was worse than Ali. He wet his lips and took a few small sips of the water, enjoying the relief it brought to his dry throat. "What if you don't like what I really am?" he said in a small voice. He knew it was a possibility, and it scared him. The real him was leaps and bounds from what he had been trained to become.

Harri let out a sigh. "What you really are? James, you're human. You're human like everyone else, and regardless of who you were as Marc, you've still been the only man to make me stop and consider that being with someone in a relationship like this isn't such a bad thing. I'm pregnant with your child... I've sat by your bedside. I signed your piece of paper. I've done everything you've ever asked of me, love. I don't think there is anyone you could be that I wouldn't like unless you were some kind of kiddy fiddling priest."

"The paper is kinda defunct now, but it still means the world to me," James told her. He turned his head on the pillow so he could rest it closer to hers. Anyone passing probably would know not to interrupt the moment. "I take kiddy fiddling priests down. Crimes Against Children. That's one of my FBI specialties. I realise now there is so much you need to know and I don't even know where to start. I don't know where I belong. I guess it's just going to take time. At least you can know I won't be disappearing at the drop of a hat for awhile now. Have you been okay? I mean, that's a stupid question, I know. I just mean... you said Aiden was here. Was he helping you? Another stupid question." He rubbed his forehead, trying to get his brain to stay on an even keel.

"There's no such thing as a stupid question. And for the record, I'm glad you're one of those guys that catches the kiddy fiddling priests. It means our child will be in good hands. I know there's a lot you'll have to tell me, but we have time. There's always time." Harri smiled. "He took care of me better than I could take care of myself. I wasn't okay, but I am now. I also managed to break through with Ali. She gave me her teddy. Also gave this..." Harri stood up to bring a key out of her pocket; the same storage unit key Ali gave her. "It's the key to your life, love."

James looked at her in confusion. Teddy? "You mean Jimbo?" he said and then let out a slow, disbelieving breath. He looked at the key, the frown on his forehead deepening. "I... don't understand," he murmured, taking the key. He didn't recognise it at all. He met her eyes again. "I'm so glad you two talked. I was worrying you might not ever get along." But then his eyes were on the key again, reaching to touch his fingers to it. To his life? It didn't make any sense.

"Yes, Jimbo. Ali said it was his turn to look after me." Harri sat back down, and took his hand to press the key into it. "Ali put all your things into storage. She couldn't get rid of any of your things. They're all still waiting for you, love. You can have your life back."

"Oh god," James managed to get out before he lost it completely. It was the last thing he expected. The things from his old life, he never even contemplated. Ali's apartment looked so much like hers for her family now that it hadn't created any reason for him to even think what had happened to his things. His hand wrapped around the key and he put his fist to his mouth, tears streaming down his cheeks. Maybe he really hadn't lost everything. Maybe it was still there, just in different places he needed to find it. With new additions.

Harri rest her head against his, and stroked her hand against his chest. "I'm here for as long as you want me to be. For as long as you'll have us. And I'll be here even after I learn who you really are, James. I promise."

James nodded and put his arm up to hug her as well as he could manage with all the tubes. Everything was catching up with him and really did just want to try and get back to something that resembled a normal life. He knew his home was Ali's now, so he wouldn't be going back there, but he would deal with that. "I'm sorry it's been so hard for you. From now on, I'll do everything it takes to just try and... get things okay. They've got to be okay. Maybe even happy."

"We'll be okay, James. There's no rush, I promise. You just take care of yourself first." Harri stayed close to him as she took a deep breath. "I was thinking... maybe we should get a new apartment. I don't know where, or how, but we need a place that's ours."

James looked at her, his eyes red and wet now, but nodded. "I'd really like that," he admitted quietly. "Not that I don't like your place, but I just... I... I don't know."

"It's not you," Harri suggested with a smile. "It's okay, you know. You're allowed to say that. I was thinking about it while I was sitting here... We need a place that's both of us. Not just me. Not just Marc. It has to be James and Harri."

"And the plus one," James added with a tearful laugh. "God, I'm turning into Ali or the pregnant is rubbing off on me."

Harri kissed at his tears, and nuzzled against his cheek. "I wasn't much better, so it's almost a relief to know you're going to be a mess with me."

"You should probably now that I'm a horrible patient. You might want to bound and gag me before the week is out," James warned, letting his arms rest weakly around her. The closeness... it was almost like he hadn't felt it like this with her before, and maybe he hadn't. Maybe he hadn't really let himself feel it and got out at the best time. Before he really lost himself.

"So that's one thing about you that's true? You've told me that before, love. And I'm still here. I'm a glutton for punishment. I might just whip you into submission instead," she smirked. This was what she'd needed. She realised now that no matter what had passed between them, they really hadn't had this. There was a sense of intimacy that had been missing, and Harri was grateful that he had wanted to get James back. She was starting to realise she had needed James, and so did their plus one.

Words: 2086

For just_muse_me | 19.5.3 Hug someone

straight2point — Sun, 17 May 2009 00:21:15 GMT

Co-written with agentsullivan | Follows THIS and THIS

Nearly two days hanging out in the halls of the ICU, and Ali was starting to look a little worse for wear. She didn't particularly care, though. In the old, pre-Sunshine days, she would always be immaculately presented if she stepped out in public. Hair, make up, expensive clothes, expensive shoes and matching accessories. These days, it was an accomplishment if her undies were on the right way round and there wasn't baby puke or talcum powder on her clothes. She hadn't wanted to go home just yet, so Andrew had taken Jamie home so the baby didn't have to be subjected to the vigil. Ali was grateful. In fact, there was no way she could ever repay Andrew for everything he had done.

Ali slowly slid the glass sliding door of James' room open and stepped inside. She had a pair of grey track pants on and her purple hoodie, which was zipped up at the front over a white tank top. Her hair was at least brushed and hanging in loose curls around her shoulders. She sat down stiffly beside Harri, days of nursing a sick, spotty infant and then long hours sitting in the hospital corridor had taken it's toll on her back. Her hands got stuffed into the pockets of her hoodie as she leaned forward a little and watched James' unconscious form for a few moments before letting out a slow breath, her posture deflating with it. "You probably keep wanting to touch him to make sure he's alive, because I know he really doesn't look it. Pallor is not really becoming of him," she finally spoke, her tired brown eyes shifting to Harri.

Harri nodded as she turned to look at Ali. She'd taken Aiden's advice and gone home to sleep and change, so she wasn't looking quite as much like a shaggy blonde panda. She was dressed in James' jersey just like she'd wanted with a pair of black tights underneath to be comfortable. She hadn't meant for Ali to stay outside in the corridor, trying to ask her inside every time she went out to pee, or get a drink, but the words never quite made it out of her mouth, and she just looked at Ali sadly. She cleared her throat softly, and wet her lips. "How long have his other comas taken?"

Ali hugged herself reflexively. "This is the third I've known him to be in since I met him in college. The most recent one was, like, a week. The one before that, nearly a month. And the first, well, it was about six or so weeks. That was after... after his partner died," she explained. "He probably didn't feel like he had much to wake up for that time. It was scary. They always are."

"Is there ever any damage?" Harri asked quietly. She held James' hand in hers, and squeezed it. "I hope he feels like there are things to wake up for this time... Is it going to work? Is all this worth it?"

Ali shook her head. "No real damage, but he's very weak when he comes out of them. It take a few weeks to get back on his feet and he has this cute confused thing going on like his brain is waking up slower than his body, which is really what is happening. It's just... there is always a chance he won't wake up, and I don't mean to scare you. It's better you know anyway, no matter how hard it is to swallow." She drew her lips between her teeth for a few moments. "Sorry if I'm coming off all over the place here. I'm just really, really angry at him. I'm projecting again. I'll get over it. I, um..." She drew a small fluffy teddy bear from the pocket of the hoodie. He was dressed in a black suit with a small pistol and sunglasses. "I-I thought maybe you should have this..." she said quietly, her voice wavering as her thumb brushed against the soft fur.

Harri's eyes went wide at the bear, all the questions about James not making it dying on her lips. "Ali... this is... is it James?" she asked as she looked up. "And you don't have to apologise. I haven't been any better, and I'm sorry if you thought you had to spend the whole time out in the corridor. You really didn't, I promise. I kept wanting to ask you to sit with me, but the words never really came out. I feel like a bitch."

"It's okay," Ali assured her with a hint of a smile. "I really get it. I can't even understand my mind right now, I don't expect anyone else to. When you take laxatives instead of Tylenol, you start to realise you're brain is fucked. All this is... I get why he did it. I just hate him for it. I was still raw over him coming back. Still raw over his death. You can only slice open a wound so many times before it starts to get septic, you know?" She looked at the teddy, tears forming in her eyes as she nodded. "I gave that to him when he made it into the FBI years ago. We called him Jimbo... that's what I call James. Pretty much always have. When he- when I-" She started stumbling over the words and had to stop for a moment, sucking in a breath and letting it out again slowly to brace herself.

She squeezed the bear's arm. "When news came that James had died and left me everything in his will, I... I had to go to his apartment, where I live now. It was all his. It was just all him, but I had to try and clear it up somehow. There was just too many memories. When I was packing up his stuff, I found Jimbo in the draw beside his bed. I lost count of the number of hours I lay sobbing with him hugged in my arms in those weeks that followed. He just kind of helped me through. Everything I did, clearing out the apartment, decorating Sunshine's room, packing his most-loved possessions up, going to his memorial service... Jimbo was with me. I just think... I think he might have a job with you now. You know those FBI Agents... never sticking to one job for very long," she laughed tearfully.

Tears were sliding down Harri's cheeks as well, and she wiped at them as she gave Ali a sad smile. Then she reached over and took the other woman's hand in hers and squeezed it gently. "I really am sorry for everything you've had to go through. I won't ever really understand, and I'm sorry if it never seems like I have anything to say. I'm not used to being there for anyone but Aiden. I'm not used to giving comfort to anyone but him. Not until Mar--James. I'm also not used to having very many female friends. I was never good at girltalk. Just the kind that comes with being a fag hag."

Ali laughed a little and nodded, sniffling to try and stop the tears but it was no use. "I can't say I'm much of an expert on it. Most think I talk too much like a fucking bloke for my own good," she joked and rolled her eyes a little when the tears wouldn't stop. She took a couple of silver keys on a ring from the bear's vest pocket and held them out to Harri also. "I think you might need these too. They're to a self-storage unit in Jersey. A-All Jim's things are there. I c-couldn't get rid of any of it," she finally admitted with a choked sob, though another small smile came through the next waterfall of tears.

Harri took the keys, curling her fingers around them as she held them tight in her hand. She turned her head away as huge lump in her throat threatened to break and she could feel the tears spilling over before she took a gasping breath. "Thank you," she choked out. Part of her wanted to go and raid the storage unit immediately so she could fill her apartment with his things, but then the other part of her was even wondering if he would actually want to live in her apartment anymore. It never really seemed to be 'James' enough, even if it was to Marc's taste. Harri started to laugh as she looked at Ali through her tears. "Do you think he's got that panicked feeling if he can hear us both crying? He always gets this face when Jamie starts to cry, like he doesn't know what to do with her."

"He doesn't," Ali had to laugh, despite herself. "He needs to realise she's a little person and not an iPod or a Wii controller. He's sprog-challenged, but I'll knock him out of it, don't worry. I don't think his mind has quite processed that I spawned his flesh and blood. He's probably in there laughing at us." She turned a little in her seat to flip a sleeping James off and then looked back to Harri. She didn't hesitate in putting her arms out and wrapping them around the other crying woman.

Harri hugged Ali back gratefully, feeling like the two of them had maybe broken some invisible barrier. She grinned at the image of James thinking of a baby as an iPod, or a Wii controller, but it certainly fit. He really did seem to think the child would have an off switch somewhere. "You've still got a few months yet. I haven't even got my bump yet. At least one of us should know what we're doing with a kid."

"Oh, now, let's not go that far," Ali laughed, shaking her head. "I've had to wing most of it and even then, she seemed to cry louder when I tried. But you do just get this instinct that guides you, and as much as you think otherwise, they really don't blame you when you fuck up. You should have some time with her when she's not screaming the place down. She's an amazing little girl. She's the light of my life and you're going to be her aunty. And the bump. Mark my words, you will wake up one morning, look at yourself in the mirror after a pee and realise it's there. It's like it suddenly appears out of nowhere, right along with indigestion and flatulence. Oh, and the want to poke random arseholes in the eye."

"I can't wait," Harri confided in a hushed tone. And the truth was, that she couldn't. She could still be Harriet Ryan, and pregnant. It was okay for her to be excited about the pregnancy. "Can't believe I'm suddenly a mother, and an aunty, and a scared partner... Seems so unreal." She pulled back to briefly stroke her hand over Ali's hair. "Thank you so much for this. For everything. Truth is I'm glad I have you around."

Ali touched the locket hanging around her neck and smiled. "It's the best thing ever," she admitted, smiling at Harri. "Hardest thing ever, but the best. When you see them for the first time and your brain lets you realise they came out of you, it's just... unbelievable. You'll be an amazing Mum. I know you will." She squeezed her hand. "You have nothing to thank me for. I promise, I'll always be here for you, and if I can't help, we can just be there for each other."

Words: | All muses referred to with permission and come from the princeton2nyc universe

For muse_shuffle | April Disc Two

straight2point — Tue, 12 May 2009 10:35:58 GMT

19. They hold my hand and ask me to pull through
A voice I know says dear, he probably can’t hear you...
[‘Air’ – Ben Folds Five]

Co-written with mrpublicity | Follows THIS

Aiden's eyeballs felt like they were hanging out of his head by the time he stepped off the elevator in the ICU at Mount Sinai. He hated this place. It reminded him too much of when Pat was in hospital after the Mexico trip, but it wouldn't be enough to keep him away. He had been stunned when Alex approached him at the party following the christening. He had recognised the face, but couldn't place it at first. It was only after Alex pulled him aside and filled him in on the whole story that Aiden started to follow what was happening... and he was stunned. It had been like his brain exploded then, trying to explain what had happened to Pat, and further explain he needed to go back to Princeton on some Men In Black spaceship and hopefully Alex didn't zap his memories en route. It had been a long flight, and Aiden was still reeling, but he just tried to focus on getting to Harri to keep him sane. He couldn't even begin to try and figure out what the fuck it all meant. He would need more info to attempt that.

He found James' room easy... and it was strange trying to think of the bastard as 'James'. It would take some getting used to. "Harri," he said breathlessly, skidding a little in the doorway from running too fast and nearly missing it. He grabbed the edge of the door to right himself, feeling like his heart was going to pound out of his chest.

Harri was still trying to work out if it was ironic that one of the nurses had given her a copy of Razor to pass the time. Being left with an issue of her own magazine was... well, it was hardly a distraction she welcomed. Her hand clasped James' tightly, and she watched him quietly, bare feet tucked under her. She hadn't put on any shoes in her rush to go in the ambulance. Her work clothes were very crinkled now after first sitting with James on the tiles, and then sitting by his bedside for hours. She'd taken little breaks here, and there, but she refused for the most part to leave his side. She hadn't even realised Ali was waiting outside until she'd walked past to get some tea. On her way back she'd asked the woman to join her, then Izzy had come. That had been awkward, and all three women had passed the time in silence.

Then Ali had left to spend some time with Andy and Jamie, and Harri had been left with Izzy. At first the two had said nothing, and then they'd started talking about Marc and James. Harri had been wanting to know if she'd known James, or Marc. It turned out she'd known both. Iz had quizzed her about Marc, and Harri could tell she hadn't liked everything she'd heard. Now she was alone again after Izzy had some message from her boss.

At the sound of Aiden's voice, Harri looked up slowly, her blue eyes lacking any of their usual life. She took one look at her best friend and burst into tears before she struggled out of her chair and quickly walked up to him, and threw her arms around Aiden. Truth was, no one had told her anything. All these people that kept coming in and out of James' room said nothing. Harri knew that it was significant that he was now James, and not Marc, but she didn't understand why. "Aiden," she choked out.

Aiden hugged her back securely, catching a disbelieving sight of James over her shoulder as he did. It was worse than surreal. He had been sure on the whole trip over that this Alex was taking him for a ride and he would show up to New York needing to hand over ransome for some hostage situation Marcus Fraser had gotten Harri into. That had to be it. The coma thing seemed to painful, but clearly the complete truth. "It's okay," he murmured against her ear. "It'll be okay." Not that he actually believed his own words, but he could at least try to make sure Harri was okay. Even if, according to what Alex had said, she had probably likely been sitting here waiting for close to two days now. Alex had done a fourteen hour round trip to get to Edinburgh to explain to Aiden and then accompany him on the SS jet back to NYC. Pat seemed to get what Alex was saying better than Aiden did and Aiden realised then he was probably missing vital portions of information. Not because he had chosen not to tell him, but more that there really hadn't been time to tell him. With Cameron's accident and Pat trying to get things back on track with his twin, and the drive up to Edinburgh for the christening where Pat and Riley officially became RJ's godfathers, it was just difficult to actually find a time for them to meet minds on the whole situation.

But if what Alex had been saying was the truth, Marc... James... was seriously ill and that meant Harri needed Aiden. No matter what was going to fill all the gaps, Aiden just knew he had to go to New York, and Pat agreed. Aiden apologised to Tara and Lachlan, explaining there was a family emergency in New York he had to get back for ASAP, and then left, leaving Pat in Britain with his family. "Please tell me I haven't stumbled into some fourth dimension and I'm now a cyborg with no brain, because I'm really not sure anymore. I still have my cock, which is a plus, but it may or may not be attached with a microchip now."

Harri managed a huff of breath in place of a laugh as she continued to cling to Aiden. She couldn't remember what it was like to get more than a couple of hours sleep, and her brain was slow. She'd only managed to eat small bites of a sandwich the day before, her stomach not able to cope with the idea of anything more. "There's no fourth dimension, but then maybe I'm the one imagining you. I never even got to call you... I thought you'd be busy in England. I didn't want to bother you. How did you even know?"

"No, fuck. You aren't imagining me. I really did just travel seven hours on the Millenium Falcon to get here in a rush." Aiden stepped back a little, exhaliing heavily. "Some dude called Alex showed up to the christening party all James Bond Men in Black shit. I recognised him. He was the bloke at the hospital in Liverpool, only not blond and without glasses. He started talking at me about all this shit, so I knew it was bloody Fraser. And it was, only I never expected him to tell me all that crap, you know? Anyway, something about Marc turning back into this James Campbell person because he needs to return to the FBI as some liaison for his case, which means he has to be Secret Service, only as himself so he can go back to his old job and be in the right place to infiltrate Zimbabwe at sunset to sacrifice a slaughtered goat with fairy dust." He stopped, looking stressed and bewildered, holding his hands up. "Do I still have my hair? Did he turn me into a Yoda clone on the flight?"

Harri shook her head as she rubbed his head, fingers knotting in his short hair. "You're not a Yoda clone. And he told you more than me. He just squeezed my shoulder, and walked out... He's Marc's--James'--partner. I didn't even know all that FBI bullshit." Harri dropped her hand and took Aiden's in hers as she pulled him towards the chairs so they could both sit down. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but truth be told I'm selfish enough to be glad you're here. I can't do this without you, love. I'm going out of my mind. I don't know if he's going to wake up. No one does."

Aiden sat down and stared blankly at James for a few moments. "If it helps, I know how this whole..." he waved hand in James' direction, "I know how it feels. I do. And it's fucked. Nothing anyone says will really make you feel better and that sick cold grip in your gut? Doesn't go away until they wake up and tell you themselves they're okay..."

He sighed and turned back to Harri, scratching his fingers through his hair to try and fix the sticking up bits, though it was an absentminded action as he studied Harri's face. He reached for her hand. "Have you eaten? Slept? Changed? I just... I'm not sure how much I can help with the details. I was zoning out through most of it. I just have a feeling you maybe weren't told for your own protection. He did this to himself. Did you know that? He made himself sick because there needed to be some way for him to come back from the dead or something." He shook his head. "It's too fucked up. I don't get it. But I guess at the end of the day, it can't be a bad thing right? He'll be himself and no lies. At least, not where it counts."

Harri's eyes went wide as she looked from Aiden to James. "No, I didn't know that," she said in a hoarse voice. Her hand shook as she pushed her fingers through her tangled locks. "And I tried to eat yesterday. I haven't changed. I haven't been back to the apartment to get any clothes... And I slept for two hours last night. And two hours the night before. I just feel too sick... that sick cold grip in my gut isn't letting me do much of anything."

Aiden nodded. He really understood, even if he hadn't been pregnant when Pat was sick. "I hate hospitals," he mumured quietly, not for any particular reason. "I won't push you. If you need anything, you just tell me and you'll have it. I just don't want to stress you out. I'm getting good at the secondary vigil thing. To think, the biggest thing I used to worry about was my tie matching my shirt. You know, the guy hasn't given me much to like about him up until now, but all of a sudden, I just think... I think he did this for you and the kid. Probably on the face of it he had a lot of reasons to go this way and do it how he did, which he didn't do it alone. I got the feeling this Alex dude was in on the whole thing. But I think right deep down, the decision came for some reason. A reason important enough to risk his life to get it."

Harri wiped away her tears and sniffed as she looked at Aiden. "I need you to go to the apartment and get me his Rugby jersey. Please... I want to wear that, not this fucking stupid suit. And I just need you here. I don't really... I don't know what I need. Besides him awake. If he did this for us, then he needs to wake up so I can smack him for scaring the shit out of me. I can still see him lying there in a pool of his vomit. He could have fucking choked!"

Aiden put his arm around and pulled her against him, kissing her head. "I don't buy that you finding him like that when you didn't was an accident, love. Alex said he knew you were coming. I feel like I should still want to tear the guy's balls off for pulling that stunt with Cameron, but at the same time, it's like looking at an entirely different person. And maybe he is. See, in my head, when you actually met a guy you started dating and falling for, he was like a rich lawyer with a trendy haircut and a goldfish who liked red wine and dabbled in the stock market."

Harri gripped at Aiden's clothing and let herself relax into his embrace. God, she'd needed him so much... If she ever saw Alex again she'd thank him. After tearing his balls off for lying to her. "I'd kill him if I didn't love him so fucking much. Bastard. And also, your head clearly forgot how much I hate lawyers."

Aiden waved his hand lightly. "That's irrelevant. He was still relatively normal and maybe even scratched his balls in private to not offend you. I'm just saying... all this, it's giving me a migraine. But it's okay. I guess we'll just deal with it. I mean, the whole hospital gown thing really doesn't suit him. We can't be too harsh on him. He's a fashion road smash and don't even get me started on the decor of this place. There is no Feng Shui whatsoever." He glanced at her with a small smirk. "Hypothetically... or not. What's going through your mind right now?"

"I want him out of that gown, and back home. I want him to be okay. I want us to be okay... I don't want him to wake up and realise he's made a mistake," she murmured. "I love him, Aiden. And I really hate this fucking suit right now... I don't know why. I just hate it."

Aiden tucked his arm around his stomach, but then shifted in his seat again, absentmindedly curling his wedding ring around his finger. "What if he's a different person now? What if it turns out you don't love this James Campbell? It could happen. I'm not saying it will, but if he's so different to his undercover persona, I guess there is a possibility. Or how are you going to take it now he doesn't have all the secrets and is actually part of this whole other... established life? With friends and family and old work colleagues?"

"Funny you should mention that," Harri replied with a wry smile. "I was talking to his partner... ex-wife. Whatever she is. Best friend... Apparently I knew more of James Campbell than I thought. I don't think it's possible for me to not love him. I just have to be prepared for what comes next. I don't know what that is, though. Getting to know his family and friends, I guess. Getting used to the fact that he doesn't have to hide. That we don't have to hide."

"He must've been pretty messed up to get to this point, love," Aiden guessed. "Last few times I saw him, there was just something disconnected about him. When you first met him, he seemed to have this real bitchy mischievous streak, but then it was just gone. He must've really been missing his life and feeling normal. Maybe you can help him find that again. It's pretty nice, you know. The whole normal thing. Not at all overrated."

"Can I tell you something?" Harri asked, moving back to look up at him.

Aiden met her eyes again, his forehead creasing. "Yeah, of course," he said, even though he was a little worried what might come.

"I want normal," she admitted in a rush of air. "I know I said I could take all that SS crap, but I just want normal. Maybe the FBI will be slightly more normal. I just want to sit at home getting fat and pregnant and have him next to me."

Aiden looked at her, his blue eyes intent on her face. Probably at any other time he would have made some crack or teased her about the admission. But was just silent at first. He soon smiled a little and shook his head. "No, you don't. You just want to be able to have that some days when you feel like it. I know you. You could never totally give up being Harriet Ryan just like he obviously couldn't totally give up being James Campbell," he said quietly.

Her head fell back against Aiden's shoulder, and she sighed. "Yeah, you're right. Besides, Harriet Ryan still has the best clothes."

Aiden looked at her outfit with a snigger. "You reckon? And you call yourself a fag hag," he teased.

"You try keeping your suit smooth after sitting in a hospital chair for two days. I reliquish my fag hag title until he's awake so I can wear his jersey and be comfortable in peace."

"My suits are perfection," Aiden said with a light shrug. "I'm gay. I'm born pressed and color-coordinated. And hey, I can't knock the jersey. I saw my husband in one for the first time the other day and it took all my effort not to jump him."

Harri managed a grin. "Your husband... I'm still getting used to that, but it definitely becomes you."

Aiden's face lit up and he nodded. "I know. Some days, it still feels unreal. I really have no clue what I did to deserve it, but I must've been fucking fantastic," he said with a smirk.

Harri nuzzled against him, and tried to take comfort in his happiness. "I'm sorry you had to leave him to come here."

Aiden shook his head. "It's okay. I mean, yeah, I miss him. But he's patched things up with Cameron, so he's going to stick around in Britain until Cameron can come back here. He's going to be doing his rehab in Princeton. I think they need to spend some time together. It'll be good for them. It was just a relief the fight got resolved. I think Cameron's accident just brought a lot home to them both. It's probably going to be the same with you and Marcus James Fraser Campbell over here."

"I'm glad they worked it out. I'm glad Cameron's okay. I'm sure Izzy will be relieved as well..." Harri wiped at her eyes again, and sniffed. "How long have I got you for?"

"Until I pass out cold? It's, like," Aiden looked at his watch, "two am in Britain right now. I've been up since around four am so we could drive from Liverpool to Edinburgh to make the christening at eleven am. Special Agent Suit nabbed me from the party at five pm British time. The flight was seven hours and we got stuck in the morning rush hour traffic to get here to the hospital. Probably got another hour in me until I start talking in tongues, but if I can catch some sleep, I can hang around for as long as you need me. It doesn't look like Pat and Cameron will actually be coming home for another week or so, at the very least, so I'll just stick around here until they do. Then if he's still in a coma, you'll probably have both me and Pat haunting you after that. I'll make sure he doesn't jump up on the bed singing football songs to the whole ward."

"Why do I feel like there's a story there?" Harri asked with a slight smile. She squeezed Aiden's hand. "You should go sleep at our place. Then bring me back the jersey when you're ready for hospital duty. At least one of us should be getting sleep."

Aiden stifled a small yawn. "Alex told me he's not going to wake up any time soon. Especially not in the next forty eight hours. You go home and sleep for a bit. I'll wait here until you come back and then we can switch off. If you don't look after yourself, the kid's going to suffer, if it isn't already," he told her pointedly.

Harri's hand drifted to her belly and she looked like this was the first time she'd remembered she was pregnant. It wasn't something she forgot, but it was something that hadn't been at the forefront of her mind. "Bugger," she cursed quietly. She looked at James, then at Aiden, and sighed. "Okay, but you will call me if anything changes, won't you?"

Aiden nodded. "Yeah, of course. But it won't. Just try and take comfort in that. He's not going to wake up, so don't go home thinking he will and you won't be here. He injected himself with glucose, love. That's like the equivalent of a drug overdose. It's a substance his body can't process without his insulin, which he wasn't taking. Alex said he'll be out until his system filters it. So, just try and get some rest. Take a shower and try and eat something too. I'll be right here when you get back," he promised.

Harri nodded as she pulled herself out of her chair and first gave James a kiss on the forehead before she gave Aiden a brief hug and kissed his temple. "Thank you so much for coming, love. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You won't need to find out. I'm sure one day, our positions will be reversed and I'll be needing you to send me home to sleep, too..." Aiden murmured and squeezed her hand. "Love you."

"Love you too, Aiden. And if that day ever comes, I will definitely be there. I promise." She kissed the top of his head before dragging herself away from James' hospital room. There was still a concern that he might wake up while she was gone, but she trusted Aiden to look after him. She also realised that she really did need to go home and take care of herself, and her unborn child.

Words: 3615 | All muses referred to with permission and come from the princeton2nyc verse

For just_1_word | 29.2 Blood

straight2point — Sun, 10 May 2009 05:23:51 GMT

Co-written with paramedically | Follows THIS and THIS but occurs before THIS

Harri had been sitting in silence with Marc, his head in her lap as she stayed in the bathroom with his prone form. A bolt of fear had shot through her at seeing him passed out in his vomit, her cell immediately going to her ear to call an ambulance. Now all she could do was wait as Marc refused to wake up. She'd also tried to call Ali, but had got her voice mail. And Aiden was in England. She was alone with Marc, terrified out of her mind. He had just said he was tired... He needed rest. It wasn't until he'd call to ask her to come home because he'd been sick all day that she thought anything was wrong.

Her fingers trembled as she stroked them through his hair and murmured a soft plea for him to wake up. He'd warned her... He'd warned her about the comas and his diabetes, but Harri had stupidly thought she wouldn't have to deal with it for a while. They'd only just got past her being pregnant. And since Izzy's return, they were still trying to work themselves out. This wasn't fair. Why now?

Her mind flashed to their online conversation, and she frowned. She wasn't going to leave him, she was staying right here. And then she'd stay at the hospital with him. She wasn't going to go anywhere. She couldn't. Tears began to slide down her cheeks, and Harri swore under her breath. Why was he always so capable of getting under her skin, even when he was unconscious?

Because she loved him.

She heard the door to the apartment open, but didn't get up. She knew it was unlocked, and she had told the operator where she and Marc would be. The paramedics would find them easily enough. She wasn't leaving him.

Door open. It wasn't actually an uncommon request to paramedics, but it was still policy to ring the doorbell first. All sorts of legal ramifications could meet them if they didn't follow protocol. Andrew had his hand tucked into the front of the gurney, pulling it into the luxurious high-rise apartment. When he and his partner reached the bathroom, he actually skidded to an abrupt stop and caused his mate to bang into the back of the gurney. They hadn't received a name, only an address. Andrew had never been to Harri's apartment... until now, it seemed. The scene was a shock to absorb and he unprofessionally swore through a gasp. It was all of ten seconds before his paramedic brain kicked in. He tried not to gape at the fact this was the first time he had seen Ali's best friend without any disguise. The hair colour was identical to Jamie's.

The vomit was hard to miss, but Andrew's observant mind noted the blood on the vanity again as he hurriedly stepped over to where Marc was prone on the floor, head in Harri's lap. Andrew's gloved hand softly touched Harri's shoulder. "Are you okay, love?" he asked and then moved on to try and find a pulse at Marc's throat.

"You know her, Andy?" his partner asked hitting the breaks on the gurney and lifting their pack off it to kneel beside them.

Andrew nodded. "Patient is my girlfriend's best friend," he confirmed distractedly, frowning when he noted a MedicAlert bracelet on Marc's wrist. "He's tachy. Get him hooked up. Oxygen. Carefully. I can't tell where the blood is from." He turned the bracelet over to read what was engraved there and nodded. "Suspected DKA." He pushed Marc's hand firmly against the tiles but there was no response. "Unresponsive to pain." He squeezed Marc's shoulder to try and rouse him, leaning over to talk close to his ear. "Marcus, can you hear me?"

There was no response at all, so Andrew looked back up at Harri. "Is there anything you can tell me, love? Did he say anything to you? Did you find him like this?" His mate had scissors drawn from the pack and was quickly cutting up the front of Marc's t-shirt so he could get the heart pads on him without restriction.

Harri blinked slowly, the fact that Andrew was here taking time to permeate her brain. "Andy," she said softly before she shook her head. She was definitely not okay. "He, um... he called me home because he'd been vomiting. He just said he was tired. Needed some rest. He was going to order me Mexican." She looked up at the paramedics, her face etched with fear and worry. "He was only supposed to be resting... I found him here. I saw the vomit in the living room, but he wasn't there. So I checked here and he was--he'd--oh god..."

Andrew's partner had the portable heart monitor and defib hooked up and the metallic beeps echoed off the bathroom walls. The vomit was wiped from Marc's mouth and face just enough so the he could be intubated. His breathing was too sporadic. If they just used an oxygen mask, he would be crashing before they even reached the hospital. Andrew grabbed Harri's shoulders gently, forcing her to meet his eyes. "We're going to take good care of him. I promise. He has all the signs of something called Diabetic Ketoacidosis. Meaning his blood sugar level has gone rapidly too high or too low for his body to cope and his insulin hasn't counteracted it. I need you to do something for me, okay? I need you to bring me his wallet. He'll have a thing in there called a MedicAlert card that will list more than can be shown on his bracelet. It'll help us in case he's allergic to any medication or anything. But I need you to hurry. This is scary, I know. But you did the right thing. I promise, Harri, we'll look after him."

Harri nodded, her slender fingers curling around as she broke Andrew's gaze and looked down at Marc. Something in her stomach churned and she wondered if Junior realised their father was in distress. She looked back at Andrew and shook her head rapidly. She couldn't leave him, she just couldn't. But when she tried to tell him that, a strangled moan came out instead. Harri liked to think she was strong, but this was too much. This was definitely too much.

The card was important though, right? Andrew had said it was important. It had information and if Marc had this Diabetic whatever it was, and the MedicAlert then they needed this information. She didn't know if she could stand though, and Harri tried to push off the ground to get up, but her knees felt weak and she stayed sitting on the ground. When had standing become so hard? "I can't," she whispered.

Andrew went to say something but the portable heart monitor started to buzz in warning as Marc's heart-rate began to drop to a dangerous rate. He pushed away from Harri, moving over to kneel over Marc. "Charge it," he ordered his partner, holding his hands out for the paddles. He pressed one to the middle of Marc's chest and the side of his torso. "Two, three... clear!" The bolt picked up the heart rate right before they lost it and Andrew tucked Marc's arms down beside him. "Let's get him on the gurney. Harri, I know it's hard, but I need you to be strong just a little longer. If we give him any medication he's allergic to, his heart might not take it. I need to know what dosage of insulin he's on. It will make our job easier if we have that card," he insisted, shifting the slide sheet under Marc's body to turn him and help his partner get his unconscious form onto the gurney.

Harri's fingers tugged at her bottom lip and for a moment she considered just giving up and curling up on the floor in surrender. Only that wasn't the Harriet Ryan Marc loved, was it? It wasn't the one he'd met at the Christmas party, or the one that had sworn until she was blue in the face that she could take anything he could dish out. Harri used the edge of the bath tub for leverage as she got up, bare feet finding purchase on the tilted floor as she managed to stay up this time. Now she just had to think of where Marc would have left his wallet. She disappeared out of the bathroom, and went into the main area of the apartment. Her heels lay next to the puddle of vomit, but she wasn't even thinking of her carpet as she spotted his leather wallet lying there on the glass coffee table. She picked up the wallet and brought it back to Andrew, her hands still shaking. Her blue eyes once again fixed on Marc's body, and she wrapped her arms around herself. "He has to be okay... You need to make sure he's okay. I can't do this alone. I don't want to do this alone."

"We're going to do our best, Harri," Andrew promised, accepting the wallet gratefully. His partner was working to secure Marc to the gurney, so Andrew opened the wallet and found the card tucked in behind the drivers licence. He frowned at the name on both cards, glancing up at Harri uncertainly. "I think this is... outdated," he said, but the card seemed valid enough with all insulin dosages listed as well as a couple of drug allergies. He pulled out a couple more credit cards and a receipt in behind them. They all said James Campbell. He swallowed and handed them back to Harri before his partner got suspicious. "Really outdated."

Harri frowned as she took back the wallet, and tried to make sense of why Andrew was handing the cards back. "I need Ali," she said suddenly. "I tried calling, but she didn't pick up. Do you know where she is?"

"Andy, he's got a needle puncture in the side of his index finger. It's where the blood is coming from," Andrew's partner spoke up, raising the gurney and locking it into place. Andrew frowned and tucked his hand under Marc's limp fingers to see the wound. It was in an unusual place on the finger. An insulin injection gone wrong, or something that wasn't insulin? If he was injecting, maybe he was ingesting too? He unhooked the radio from his shoulder, putting it to his mouth. "Connor to base, over." A crackly reply came back, confirming connection. "We're directing to Sinai. Can you alert the ER we have a diabetic with possible substance reaction or overdose with suspected DKA? Mr James Campbell, date of birth is four, sixteen, seventy eight. Query old medical records. The MedicAlert details appear to be out of date, over." There was confirmation of his request and then he hooked the radio back to his uniform.

He took a penlight from his pocket and leaned over Marc to look into his eyes. "Pupils dilated, fixed to light," he noted. "We've got to get him in." He turned back to Harri, putting his hand gently on her back. "Harri, he's in a coma. Ali might not hear the phone if Jamie's crying or she sometimes takes the phone off the hook so it doesn't wake her. Let's get him to hospital and then I'll go around and see Ali myself. I'll bring her to the hospital and you can see her. You can come with us, but we need to go now. We've bought some time, but we don't know how much. He needs insulin and ASAP."

Harri nodded. "I'll come now. I don't want to leave him. I'm not going to leave him." Marc's--James'--wallet was still held securely in her hand as she gripped it tightly enough for her knuckles to go white. She'd briefly heard the exchange about the needle prick, but Harri couldn't make sense of it right now. She just wanted James awake. Hell, she'd take Marc, too. But the blond hair... the wallet, this was James. Not Marc. It was why she needed Ali. Ali might be able to work out what was going on. "Get him whatever he needs, please..."

Andrew nodded and looped the white cotton blanket securely over Marc's unconscious form up to his chin. He secured the trachy to his jaw so it wouldn't dislodge en route and unlocked the breaks on the gurney with his foot. "You need anything, too, you tell me okay?" he said to Harri with a nod. "Anything. I know what it's like to have to watch someone you love suffer." He squeezed her hand as he passed, quickly maneuvering the gurney out of the bathroom to try and get Marc to their ambulance on ground level ASAP.

Words: | All muses referenced with permission and come from the princeton2nyc verse

For muse_shuffle | April Disc One

straight2point — Tue, 05 May 2009 09:31:32 GMT

05. But they'll still look in your eyes
To find the human inside
You know there's always something in there to see
[‘There’s Always Someone Cool Than You’ – Ben Folds]

Co-written with agentfraser | Follows THIS and THIS

Marc beat Harri home, but only just. It gave him time to get out of his work clothes and have a long, piercing shower to try and compose himself for their talk. He was lacking so much sleep now that he was operating on auto-pilot. The only reason he was probably still eating was because he didn't want to land in hospital again. He washed all the hair dye out so his natural blond was back. The dark contacts were roughly discarded into the bin under the sink and he now stood in front of the mirror, towel wrapped around his waist, hair still dripping wet, and just looked at himself.

At James.

His eyes stung and he felt close to tears. He looked terrible. It wasn't James at all. It was a mere shadow of his former self. There was no healthy tan he usually had from being outside on the field, his blue eyes didn't even seem to be the same colour anymore. And he'd lost weight. It was easy to hide all that under the thick disguise of Marcus Fraser, but stripped of it all, his worst suspicions seemed to be confirmed.

He really had lost himself.

He shook his head and pulled his bathrobe on, tying it securely around his waist, and dropped the towel into the laundry hamper. His comb was pulled lethargically through his hair a couple of time for the pure sake he didn't want it to dry looking like a toothbrush and then went out into the living room area to wait for Harri. He didn't have to wait, though. She was already home, sitting on the edge of the sofa waiting for him, her hands nestled down in between her knees. Marc managed a tired smile as he came over to her. "Hey, babe," he greeted her quietly.

Harri looked up at him, and returned his smile as she held a hand out. "Hello, love." She wasn't sure what else to say. Between Marc's call, and her brief chat with Aiden online she wasn't really sure what to expect. Especially given mention of Marc's friend who was apparently dating Cameron. Her fingers linked with Marc's and she pulled him down on to the sofa beside her. "Even when you look exhausted, I still prefer you this way."

Everyone seemed to be singing from the same song sheet lately. He sat down beside her and gave her a kiss with a small nod. "Less work," he joked half-heartedly. "You look good. Are you feeling okay?" he asked her, hedging around the inevitable.

"Concerned, a little scared. Still incredibly horny, but I've learned to harness that power for my work. I promise I won't shove my hand under your robe while we have this conversation," Harri teased softly. Her blue eyes searched his face, and she wet her lips. "At least I've had a week off from morning sickness. I think our child might enjoy sushi. It's the only thing I can keep down besides all that Ben & Jerry's."

Marc hated seafood, but it wasn't what he wanted to lead the conversation with. Ben & Jerrys had always been off the menu too. He leaned forward and rubbed his fingers roughly over his cheek. His hand was shaking, a product of the anxiety he had let build on the flight home. "I've got some things I need to tell you, babe. I don't know how you're going to take them. But no more secrets. They're killing me. I'm going to end up in a closed ward if I don't just deal with this some how," he told her.

Harri touched his back, and frowned as she watched him. "You can tell me anything... James." She didn't often call him that, but she knew they were alone now. And she wanted him to feel safe. "Don't worry about how I'll deal with it. I'll be quiet until you're finished. I just don't want you to let whatever it is kill you. I've gotten used to you being around."

Marc had still been rubbing the side of his face, maybe in an effort to stay awake. But his hand stilled, his cheek resting in his palm as he blue eyes finally met her when he wet his lips. "Ali had an impromptu visitor on the weekend who came when I was there babysitting Jamie. There is absolutely no way I can dilute this, so I'm just going to say it. It was Izzy. My best friend... Ali's best friend... my wife. Ex wife..." He shrugged helplessly. "She came back from England and found me at Ali's place."

Harri's fingers curled over as she gripped the back of his bathrobe and she stared at him. "Is she the one seeing Cameron?" she asked quietly, already trying to put the pieces together. "Are you happy she's back? I can't imagine seeing you was easy... She thought you were still dead, right? It can't have been easy for you. Seems like there's no escaping who you were, love."

Marc gave a slight nod. His throat felt thick, so he swallowed to try and not let it choke him up. "I helped her get over to England to see him," he revealed numbly and the pent up tears were spilling over before he could stop them. "I didn't realise at that point that he was Pat's brother. I should have. I know. I fucked up. I slipped. It was a disaster. She and I were..." His voice dropped to barely a whisper. "Very close. I think we still are. We ran into Pat and Aiden when we got to the hospital. You can imagine how well Aiden took my unexpected presence."

Harri moved closer to him and pulled him into a hug as she wrapped her arms around him. As hard as this might have been for her to hear, it was harder seeing Marc so broken. Her heart felt like it was breaking for him. The only other person that made her feel like this was Aiden when he was upset. "I can imagine, yes. He probably didn't take it well that your friend was there." She kissed the top of his head and cleared her throat. "Close how?"

Marc exhaled sharply at the 'friend' reference. "He's not stupid. I think he put two and two together. I'm pretty confident Pat did, too, but when you stop and think about all the unintended cross-overs, it's enough to drive you crazy. I dragged Alex into it because I needed a doctor's knowledge. He has the shits with me now too. Pat was okay once he had proof Izzy had known Cameron personally, though it doesn't take a genius to see Pat's bordering on breaking down himself. He didn't need this on top of everything else." He stopped and looked her before his eyes fell closed and he shook his head a little. "I was tempted," he admitted in a whisper. "But nothing happened. It was just confusion and shock."

"And now he wants to kill you again because he thinks you're hurting me by default? I love him, but he needs to learn that I can take care of myself. Even if I understand why he's getting protective. You did a nice thing, for Cameron and for Izzy." Harri's voice almost caught on the name, but she got through it. "I've never shared men with another woman before, let alone two. Luckily I don't have the equipment to do any territorial pissing. Pat has Aiden to look after him... he's in good hands. I don't see how you've made anything worse for him." Harri pulled back a little, but her arms stayed around him. "Tempted? I see..."

Marc wrapped his arms around his stomach, for the first time wishing he could trade places with Cameron and he was obliviously unconscious to everything around him. "Don't joke about it. Please... don't joke about it," he said hoarsely, his fingers digging into his side. "Of course I've made things worse for him. I've made things worse for everyone. I never seem to do the right thing or make the right choice. Everyone is always angry at me or looking at me like I'm some completely self-centred bastard for just breathing. It's gone. I'm gone. What does the history matter? What does temptation matter? It's all fucking gone. You and Aiden are lucky. You're allowed to be unconditionally close without the risk of falling in love and it ruining everything!"

"If I can't make a joke, then what the fuck am I supposed to do? What do you want from me, love? Do you want me to get angry, because in case you haven't noticed I don't look at you like you're self-centered for breathing. And I'm not angry with you. History happens. Of course there was bound to be confusion and shock if you ever saw her again. Of course there'd be fucking temptation. I'm not an idiot. I haven't had the life I've had to be living in some naive world of make believe. Do you remember any of our conversations when we first tried to get started? Neither of us are perfect. We're just each other's kind of perfect. I couldn't give a fuck about any of this unless you're trying to tell me we're over." Harri stroked her fingers through his hair and kissed the side of his face. "You're lost, and I can't blame you. I just wish I knew how to bring you back, but I've only known you since you've been Marcus Fraser. Izzy knows you. Ali knows you. The real you... You need them. Who am I to stop you being with your friends? Even your best friend who was your wife. I'd be devastated if I lost Aiden. You lost Izzy... you should have her back."

Marc was nearing breaking point. Trying to have this point on no sleep was probably a bad idea, but it wouldn't wait. It had to be now. "I don't know what to do to make any of it better," he finally sobbed. "I don't know how to fix things. I don't know how to fix myself," he finally admitted, his hand wrapping around her arm so he could pull her into a hug.

Harri rest her head on his and felt a lump grow in her throat, and tears sting the backs of her eyes. "Maybe admitting that is the first step? Maybe you just need someone to talk to... James, I love you. No matter what, I do love you. I just need to make sure you undestand that, and I just wish I knew how to fix things. I also happen to think the first thing you need is sleep. You're exhausted, and there is probably going to be no easy fix."

"I've forgotten how to sleep too, and I sprayed hairspray under my arms instead of deoderant this morning," Marc admitted, muffled into her shoulder. He had gone beyond feeling like a dipstick now. At least he hadn't reached for antiseptic cream as lube. Harri would probably murder him.

Harri pulled his head back so she could brush her lips against his and drew him into a soft kiss. "The sleep I can help you with. I'll even get you dressed if you don't think you can handle it. I'll do anything you need me to, love. Anything... For the first time in my life I just want to look after someone I love."

"What are the chances of everything being back to normal when I wake up?" Marc asked, sounding exhausted.

"Depends on what you mean by normal," Harri replied as she stroked his cheek. She pushed Marc back down on the sofa and arranged them so they were lying down. She didn't much feel like carrying him to their bedroom. Harri wrapped her limbs around him and rest his head on her shoulder.

"I don't know what I mean by anything anymore. But I don't think it can get any worse," Marc mumbled, already closing his eyes and trying to switch off now he was with Harri. "This feels right though. Right's gotta beat normal."

"Normal's overrated anyway, didn't you hear? It's last year's black. This year's black is right. So yes, right beats normal." Harri wet her lips and pressed her lips against his forehead. "Can I just ask you one thing?"

Marc nodded against her shoulder. His eyes were closed but they felt like sand had been rubbed in them. He didn't even want to think about the rest of his body. "'Course," he murmured. "No more secrets."

"Do you really love me?" Harri asked quietly as she looked up at the ceiling. She kept her hand stroking down his arm in soothing motions and tried to keep her beathing even so he'd relax.

Marc had an unwavering sensation like someone stabbed him in the chest. He didn't blame her for doubting him, doubting what he had said to her. He deserved it. It didn't make it any easier to hear her ask, though. He stiffened beside her and opened his eyes again to stare at the back of the sofa. He didn't love easily, and said it to someone with even less ease. It hurt and hurt even more to know he had no right to hurt. "Do you want me to say no?" he asked blankly.

"No... I just... I'll be here for whatever you need as long as you want me here. As long as you need me here. I love you, but I can't do this without knowing that you feel the same. I'm strong, but I'm not that strong. I know it makes me sound horrible, but I just need to know. Then I can tell Aiden to suck it the fuck up, and deal with it because then I know that we're in this together." Harri nuzzled against his forehead and cupped his face with her hand. "I just want to protect you..."

"Aiden's putting his own feelings on the line to protect you. He isn't out of line feeling how he does. He probably just feels pretty useless right now. Trust me. I know how he feels." Marc let out a slow breath, closing his eyes again. "Why don't you believe that I meant it when I said it? It's something I never thought I would ever say to anyone again. It wasn't a whim or a flippant passing comment. I would never say it without meaning it. Ever."

"Because as much as I want to think I know you, I don't," Harri responded quietly. "And me asking is to do with me not having had it said to me in a very long time. Do you think it's something that's easy for me to say, either? It's not. I just keep saying it because I want to make sure you know... I did believe you. I do believe you. And I'm sorry."

Marc shook his head. "This won't work if you keep questioning me, Harri. It won't. If there is one thing I'm honest about, even if it's the only thing, it's my feelings. Unless I'm sure I know what I'm feeling, I keep them hidden. I've been too hurt to just lay my heart on the line without knowing it's worth risking again. I don't even know me right now and until I do, I can't know what I'm supposed to give you until it's here and it's happening. I need some time to figure out what the fuck is happening in my head. I hate myself, but I love you. I need to know that's enough right now."

Harri shifted down on the sofa so her eyes were level with Marc's. "It's enough."

Words: 2625 | All muses used with permission and come from the princeton2nyc verse

From around...

straight2point — Mon, 04 May 2009 08:19:31 GMT

You Are a Peach Smoothie

You are indulgent and a bit hedonistic. You crave luxury in all aspects of your life.

You are passionate and even a bit temperamental. You have strong emotions.

You are fiery and expressive. You don't hide what you feel, even if people may not want to know it.

You are charming and a natural entertainer. People are drawn to your charisma.

What Flavor Smoothie Are You?

For just_muse_me | 18.2.4. Three little words

straight2point — Mon, 04 May 2009 06:47:39 GMT

Co-written with agentfraser | Follows THIS

Marc found a deserted courtyard in the large hospital and exited into it, closing the glass doors behind him. He rubbed his hands over his face and then leaned against the wall to unclip his PDA from his belt under his jacket. He slowly brought Harri's number up in his extensive phone book and hit call, putting the phone to his ear. He listened to the monotonous ringing, it almost hypnotic to his tired brain. Somewhere in the shit hitting the fan (again), he had become an insomniac. He could've gotten a hotel room, but he chose to just hang around the hospital with Izzy instead. The staff had told them Cameron wouldn't wake up until late morning at least, but Izzy had wanted to stick around. Marc knew as he watched her sitting beside Cameron's bed holding his hand that she really had moved on. It did hurt on some level, but at the same time, it was inevitable. He had already moved on.

It was around seven am here in England, so it would be lunch time in New York. When he heard Harri pick up on the other end of the line with her standard business greeting, he rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes. "Hey, babe," he returned. "How are you?"

Harri let out a heavy sigh as she dismissed some of her little worker bees. It was getting to the point where she didn't even remember their names, and it was horrible. At least she remembered Kara. The rest were new employees that she hadn't bothered getting to know yet. It made her a bitch, she was sure, but it also helped her fire them when they didn't do their jobs properly. "It's so hard to find good help these days," she said, affecting an incredibly snobbish British accent. "Even harder when I don't have you to help my forget my troubles. You sound tired, love. Are you okay?"

Marc inhaled slowly at the question. "Not particularly," he murmured. "I'm not really sleeping. It's making the job hard. I should be home tomorrow or the next day. I just... needed to hear your voice. There's a few things I need to talk to you about when I get home, babe."

"What would you like my voice to say? I'd sing a lullaby, but I don't actually remember any." Harri frowned at his last comment as she sat down at her desk. "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me anything if I ask what things? You need to sleep, love. I know it's probably something that's easy for me to say, but it's true. When you come home, take a day off and I'll take the day off as well and we'll just sleep together. Lord only knows my pregnant body won't mind more sleep."

Marc hugged his jacket tighter around him, imagining how nice it would be to just curl up in bed for a day. Then he thought about spending the night with Izzy and immediately felt guilty, even if it was just sleeping and nothing sexual. "That sounds great, babe," he agreed. The day he couldn't argue with. If he didn't take one, he was going break down and that could be worse than anything lack of sleep would do to him. "You'll appreciate me talking to you about them face-to-face. You know, in case you want to yell at me. Unless Aiden already got to you and you want to start the yelling now."

Harri didn't say anything at first, her eyes staring at the desk as she picked up a pen and started to twirl it through her fingers. "He rang, but he didn't say much. Just said he wanted to tell me something, but it was for you to tell me."

"Bloody hell. Why does he have a knack of making me sound like a hitman or something?" Marc mumbled. He really needed a smoke but he was out. He doubted the hospital cafeteria was going to have any on offer, either. "I was on a job, of sorts. But not really. I have no idea how to explain this without it leading to more questions."

Harri cleared her throat, and it turned into a slight laugh. "Because he still wants to find a reason to hate you. If you can't tell me what's going on, then just tell me something you can. Anything."

"He's probably found it," Marc told her, shaking his head. "Something I can? I'm in England. And I'm in reaching distance for Aiden to kill me. A copy of my will is in my safe. And even though they already did that, I'd like Amazing Grace on bagpipes at my funeral."

"This isn't exactly filling me with confidence. However, I'll make sure you get what you want at the funeral." Harri set the pen down and rest her head in her hand. "Pat's brother is in hospital in England. You're not there, are you? Aiden said they'd sedated Cameron."

Marc groaned softly. He didn't want to be tied up in the lies anymore. They were making him feel sick. "I'm here. In Liverpool. Just up the hall from his room. He is sedated. He fractured his knee in that game and won't be able to play the rest of the season. It's up in the air if he'll even be able to play beyond the season. As weird and as fucked up as it sounds, a friend of mine got together with Cameron in New York over the weekend. They hit it off and she was worried about him when she saw the game. So I pulled some strings to help her get here. Only, I didn't realise it was Cameron... or Pat's brother, so I didn't exactly count on Pat and Aiden being here to intercept me and now I just have one fuck of a headache and Aiden wants to strangle me. Again. I should be used to that by now."

"Is he angry you tried to spook your way into the hospital?" Harri asked as she tried to understand. "Or is it to do with your friend?"

Marc tried to think back over the whole conversation in the corridor near Cameron's room. "You know, I think it's just because I'm me. Not surprising. I seem to be on everyone's shit list these days. Pat was okay with it once he knew she wasn't some obsessed fan trying to access Cameron when he was weakened."

Harri smiled a little. "Then you did the right thing. You were helping a friend, and I think that's admirable. Aiden will get over it. He's probably just concerned about Pat and how his husband's dealing with his brother's condition. I'm sure it was just a bad reaction to the shock of seeing you there. I'm glad there's someone good for Cameron. I'm assuming your friend is good for him. He needs someone special... even if he'll try and fight it. Just like all you boys do."

Marc went over to sit down on the bench in the court yard. He couldn't believe how tired he was. "I don't know Cameron. I hardly know Pat. But I know my friend and I know she'll... she'll be amazing for him if they hit it off. I think Aiden is going to want to kill me by default no matter what. Harri, I-" He started and stopped, frowning. "I was thinking of taking a leave of absence from work. I'm more screwed up in my head than I thought I was."

"Love, why didn't you say something? Is there anything I can do? Just tell me what you need. I'll take care of you if you let me." Everything else was forgotten in an instant as Harri's focus shifted to Marc and his wellbeing. "We could get away... just the two of us. Three, I guess, if you count Dior."

"There's just a lot I really need to talk to you about. The secrets. I can't do it anymore. It's driving me crazy. I don't know who I am anymore and I feel like crap. I'm just operating on autopilot and trying to focus on the job, but everything beyond the job is suffering... Who the hell is Di- oh no! No way. I'm not letting you call our kid Dior!" Marc cried.

Harri grinned in spite of herself. "I have to call them something while they're still a blob. I don't feel right deciding on any names until I know they'll be okay. So if you can come up with something better, be my guest. So then let's talk, but let's do it somewhere away from everything and everyone."

"What's wrong with Junior or something? Don't scar the poor kid with Kermit. Look at Jamie. She was born a girl and was a boy name through the whole pregnancy. I still say that's why Ali had a thirty six hour labour. Jamie was getting her back." Marc sighed. "Let's talk at home and then you can decide if you still want to spend some time away with me."

"Junior? Don't even think about it. It sounds like... I don't know what, but it's not good. I am not calling them Junior." Harri let out a sigh, a feeling of dread washing over her. What was so bad that Marc was talking like they were going to break up? "When are you going to be home?"

"I guess it depends how Cameron is when he wakes up. I figured I'd stick around in case Pat and Aiden need anything, just in the background. Come back to New York with my friend. There's a lot up in the air, but hopefully tomorrow or the next day. If you... if you need me to come sooner, I will," he added, almost hoping she would ask him to come home.

"I want you to come home," Harri replied, hearing the change in his tone. Maybe they weren't perfect, but she was getting to be able to read him. Especially over the phone when he made those quick calls from other countries. "I want to know what's going on."

Marc closed his eyes and nodded. "I'll be there before dinner," he promised. "Harri?"

"I'll make sure I'm home. I won't stay at the office too long after I finish the next meeting." She looked out the window as she stood up. "Yes?"

Marc drew a small breath and let it out slowly. "I love you."

Shock crossed Harri's features as she looked out at the City, but then she smiled. "I love you, too."

Words: 1772 | All muses referred to with permission and come from the princeton2nyc verse

For just_1_word | 26.7 Apology

straight2point — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 09:50:03 GMT

Co-written with mrpublicity | Follows THIS & THIS

Pat's nursing skills actually managed to get Aiden vertical for the dinner at least. Aiden started feeling more normal in the afternoon and refused to let the dinner be called off. He needed Pat to at least know Marc and he had no idea why he had become so obsessed on the point. Pat reminded him that there would be plenty of time for him to meet Harri's boyfriend, but Aiden held firm, even if the protests were amidst waves of nausea and vomiting. Pat and Marc had now been inadvertently left in the living room together while Harri had followed Aiden into the kitchen when he came to get a drink of water. The water had been forgotten in favour of Aiden trying to peek around the corner and see into the living to make sure Marc and Pat hadn't decided they absolutely despised each other. Strangely enough, since Harri and Marc had arrived, the nausea was threatening to return after he had felt well for hours. He couldn't plead hangover this time.

He was already six foot, but he stood up on his tiptoes to try and get a better look. At least no weapons had been drawn yet. The crystal vase was still safely on the coffee table out of reaching distance.

Harri was watching Aiden with a mixture of amusement and concern. "Do you have idea what you look like, love?" she asked as she came up behind him. "I don't think Marc's going to kill your husband, Aiden. He's not the Mafia. I thought we'd gone over this?"

Aiden turned to her with a smirk. "I'm worried Pat might kill him," he corrected. "It would be subtle and probably very stylish, but it would also be quick. Pat's pretty damn protective when he wants to be." He went back to trying to see, but he could only see part of their reflection in the mirror over the fireplace. He scrunched his nose and leant against the wall in defeat. "Do we just leave them there together to talk or do we interrupt?"

"How do we know they're not just sitting there awkwardly begging for our return?" Harri tilted her head, and looked at Aiden. "Why would Pat kill him? Marc hasn't hurt you, has he? Did he say anything while I had my head in the toilet?"

Aiden waved his hand. "They're talking. Pat wouldn't sit there awkwardly. He would talk to him no matter what, it's just how he is. Should I be worried what they're talking about?" He looked over at her biting his lip. "I wouldn't know, I was trying not to throw up in the pot plant myself. I've had my own head in the toilet all morning."

Harri rubbed his arm sympathetically. She knew all too well how he must be feeling. "Have you even had a chance to see a doctor? Was it something you ate? Have you been swapping germs with the great unwashed again?"

"Are you insulting my husband, Ryan?" Aiden joked with a smirk. "Pat threatened to have every doctor he knew around here, sans Lachlan who was near death himself. Tara came around, but by then, I felt fine. She did the doctor thing, but couldn't find anything wrong with me. Told me to keep up the fluids and rest - like Pat's diatribe the whole day - and went home to her family at a loss." He shrugged. "Freak and random puke sessions, it seems."

"It's not... isn't there something where a man can get sympathetic pregnancy?" Harri asked as she arched her eyebrow. "You are the closest male to me. Maybe it's supposed to be Marc, but we're still working on the closeness thing. You and me already got that down."

Aiden looked at her and then burst out laughing. "No... no way," he decided, shaking his head. "I'm not doing that. It's supposed to be your boyfriend. I don't get the uterus, I'm not doing the symptoms either," he said resolutely. "It was just a thing or whatever."

Harri couldn't help but grin before she started laughing. "Maybe this is because you wanted the uterus so badly. Your body's rebelling. Look, I'm sorry this happened, love. I really am. You know I wanted you to have my uterus. Maybe your body's just trying to turn you into a woman."

"I don't want to talk about your uterus," Aiden murmured, not seeing much humour in it at all. "And it's not sympathic pregnancy. I don't even live in the same town as you. It's not my kid." But then he pressed his forehead against the wall with a small moan. "I'm sorry."

Harri frowned. "For what? I'm the one that keeps fucking things up."

"For being an arsehole. I don't know what's wrong with me." Aiden went to the fridge and pulled out the bottle of Pepto Bismol, downing a large mouthful of it much like he would a vodka shooter. "We all fuck up."

"You're not being an arsehole, you're being honest." She moved to sit down at the little table in the kitchen, and rest her head in her hand. "Not all of us break promises like I did."

"Apparently your other half does. Your kid is going to be interesting," Aiden said, but it was more from the fact he was finding it hard to believe Harri was actually pregnant. He didn't think it was jealousy he was feeling, but maybe it was. It was a lot to be jealous of. He figured if she was ever pregnant, it would be something they'd do together. Aiden had always wanted kids. Yeah, he probably was jealous she could get knocked up with about as much effort as getting sneezed on.

"We're a match made in unreliable heaven," Harri replied with a wry smile. She couldn't begin to know how to make any of it up to Aiden. She really hadn't done this on purpose. The guilt was starting to make the trips to the toilet feel like worthy punishment. She got up again to get a glass of water, and her shoulders slumped in defeat. She really wasn't going to be able to make it up to him.

Aiden clamped his hand over his mouth as the Pepto threatened to make an immediate return trip. He shoved the bottle back in the fridge and closed the door. A few of their wedding pictures were stuck to it and Pat, being his usual attentive self, had made a nice, neat collage of them all with their names and wedding date spelled out in pink alphabet magnets. He looked at the photos for a few quiet moments and then turned back to Harri. "You never promised you would have a baby for me. You just joked about it a lot. It's fine. Just one of those things. I get the marriage, you get the kid," he shrugged, hoping his statement would dismiss it in his mind. It didn't, even if what he said was the honest truth. He should never have let himself hope Harri would automatically be a surrogate for him if he ever found a partner.

"I would have done it," Harri said quietly. "I would have done it in a fucking heartbeat and it's ripping me apart to know that I've hurt you, and just about lost you because of a baby I wasn't expecting to have. I'm sorry, Aiden. I really, truly am. And if you just tell me what I can do to make it better, I will." She brought her other hand up and covered her face. "I want us to be us. Just us with marriage and a baby."

Aiden laughed just a little, shaking his head. But he went over to her and hugged her, resting his head on her shoulder. "It's not us with marriage and a baby. It's your baby, it's my marriage. Things have just... changed. They've changed. It's killing me too because I would give my damn balls to be able to have a kid with Pat. You haven't seen him with kids. He's fucking amazing. But it's my fault. I shouldn't have banked on it so much. We're a gay couple. We don't get the whole kid thing by default. Let's just blame turning thirty. These last few months, I've become starkly and soberingly aware of life in general. I got out from under my rock of Workaholic Anonymous and realised I want other things."

Harri hugged him back, taking a deep breath as she tried to will the hormones not to make her cry. Since anytime she cried it was clearly the fault of the hormones, nothing else. "You know what I mean, love! I don't mean us. I mean us in a BFFs way. And if you go giving your balls away, you're hardly going to be able to have kids are you? You can find another surrogate. Have you even talked to him about it? Kara's free. She's not even fucking that Alex yet, so she's got time to carry a child."

"We haven't talked a lot about it. I just see him with RJ and he's a natural. Why should he miss out?" Aiden shook his head. "I don't want to go shopping for surrogates like toilet paper. I don't want just anyone being the mother of my kid. I wanted you," he told her quietly. "And I'm just disappointed you won't be. I'll get over it."

"Will you still be the godfather? Please, love. I want you in our child's life. In my child's life. They need to know you." Harri closed her eyes as a wave of nausea threatened to break the moment, but it disappeared as quickly as it came. "I want you to have kids... and if you could wait a year, I'd do this all over again just for you. I really would."

Aiden shook his head. "No, but thank you. You're going to have a family of your own to take care of by then. You're going to feel differently about kids. You'll be maternal. It'll be a whole different game then and there is no way I could possibly ask that of you, Harri. No way. Pat and I... we'll be good. We'll be brilliant together. But it's just going to be us and a goldfish or something." He glanced out in the direction of the living room. "Of course I'll be their godfather. But you're going to be brilliant. You won't need me how you think you do now. I just know it. You underestimate yourself. I think Marc's going to be a great father too."

"At least get a puppy, love," Harri said as she made a face. The idea of Aiden and Pat making do with a goldfish just would not do. "I'm glad that you have faith in me, because I really don't. I'm getting better at accepting the idea that there will be a little person in our lives, but the rest will take work. I still can't do this without you. Both of you."

"Actually, I'm worried he might put bows on a dog's ears or something," Aiden laughed fondly, shaking his head. "We'll be there. At least, as much as we can when he's well. Even then, we'll do what we can. I'm sorry about everything. I swore it wouldn't upset me, but I guess it just did when it came to the forefront that kids might just be a mere hope for Pat and I."

Harri kissed his temple and hugged Aiden again. "I'm sorry too, love. For everything. Do you think we should go back in there now? They might be wondering if we're suddenly experimenting with our sexuality."

"And if they aren't, they might be constructing their own secrets without us," Aiden pointed out. "Which could be extremely worrying. And you should know, I never told Pat that Marc was a member of the Secret Service. I didn't know if Marc would come as himself or what. Pat's cluey, though. It's up to Marc how he deals with that."

"I didn't even think about that," Harri admitted. "I never questioned your ability to keep his secret. Our secret. We'll let Marc deal with it. In the meantime, let's both just try and attempt to last the rest of the evening without fighting for the bathroom."

Aiden nodded and went to the fridge to get the Pepto out again. That looked like it was going to be his drink of choice tonight. "I did tell Pat that Marc wasn't all he seemed. That he had secrets and reason for them. He never pushed me to know, but he appreciated being told that much. I was actually very surprised when Marc showed up without the bells and whistles of a disguise, even if he arrived with sunglasses and a hoodie," he laughed. "I think we're all just going to have to deal with this, however we need to."

Harri picked up the water to bring with her and nodded. "I think he just wants to pay you the courtesy of being as honest as he can. He likes you, love. He knows how much you mean to me, and by extension, how much Pat means to you. We'll work it out, Aiden."

"And here's hoping he likes my husband," Aiden added with a smirk and gestured towards the door for her. "And vice versa."

Words: 2241 | All muses referred to with permission

For muse_shuffle | April Disc One

straight2point — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 09:34:12 GMT

01. all i really wanna say
is you're the reason i wanna stay
i loved you before i met you
and i met you just in time
'cause there was nothing left
[‘Don’t Change Your Plans’ – Ben Folds Five]

Co-written with agentfraser

Harri hadn't asked Marc to leave as she got re-dressed after the ultrasound. Riley had given them both some privacy on the promise that no hanky panky was about to take place, and Harri had agreed--after managing to stop laughing at the doctor's use of 'hanky panky'. Her and Marc's child had been given the all clear, and she was finding the idea of carrying a child becoming more and more real. The blob didn't look so much like a peanut anymore. It was growing, and Harri was somewhat grateful that all her vomiting hadn't been for no good reason. She was still having moments where there was nothing she could keep down, followed by times when she was ravenous and ate anything she could get her hands on.

Within reason. She was still not touching hot dogs and hamburgers with a ten foot pole. You never knew where the servers had been, and if what you were getting actually had meat. She zipped up her pinstripe pants and glanced over at Marc who seemed to be enamoured with a photograph from the ultrasound. He hadn't even looked twice while Harri had been trying to work out just how much her breasts had grown in recent weeks.

"Alright, love?" she asked him quietly as she came over and rest her chin on his shoulder to look at the blurry image.

Marc glanced up briefly with a nod and then his dark eyes dropped back to the photo. He tilted his head a little, and chewed on his lower lip in thought. "At least it doesn't look like Kermit," he noted, still studying it. He had been thinking about the time he found 'Kermit' in Izzy's draw and how everything exploded in the wake of it, peaking when Ali finally came clean that she was the one knocked up... with Mark's kid, no less. That felt like someone else's life to Marc now, and it really was. Ali had given birth and 'Kermit' turned out to be a gorgeous baby girl. What would this black spot turn out to be? It was almost like he was trying to get the answer by staring at it.

Harri smiled as she wrapped her arm around his waist and nuzzled against the spot behind his ear. These hormones really were making her more affectionate than usual. Or maybe it was Marc. Quite a few things seemed to have changed with him. He'd been wearing his contacts for Riley's benefit, but Harri didn't mind. It was all part of being involved with him. "Kind of reminds me more of Ralph. And before you ask, why yes, I did have a childhood. I used to watch the Muppets, too."

Marc glanced at her with a slight laugh. "Muppets... are not a link I want with this kid," he admitted. "Too many memories. Not all bad, just times past now. I guess I'm just missing my family a little. I wish I could share this with them."

Harri kissed his cheek. "You do have a family... it's just a different one. And maybe one that doesn't quite know you yet. Aiden and Pat are family, love. I'm family. I'm sorry we're not your biological one. I can only imagine what it must be like to miss your family. I don't want a fucking thing to do with mine. My father can find out about the ink blot when it's born. Even then I doubt he'll deign to visit us."

Marc leant against the exam table, his eyes on the ultrasound photo. "Mine were brilliant. My brother was my best mate. Complete and total big brother in its essence. I know from everything Ali's gone through it seems like he's a bastard, and he is for what he's done to her. I would smack his face in for leaving her high and dry. But he's not an arsehole. He's probably just... we were really close," he mumbled. His voice choked up but he let out a rough breath to retain his composure. "Tiny, tiny part of me wants to walk away from it all so I can just be James again. To let them know I'm okay and work as a cab driver or something."

Harri rest her head against his and sighed. "If you did, I'd understand. I wouldn't blame you. I might even be able to let myself be seen as a cabbie's pregnant girlfriend. Assuming you weren't walking away from me, too. Look, I don't know what to tell you. Ali's family, Jamie's family. Even Andrew's family, or will be. You still have family. I know none of them are your brother, or mother, or father... I know none of us bar Ali knew just James. We're still here for you. Even if Aiden looks like he wants to shit himself sometimes."

Marc kept his eyes averted from her. This was something he was going to have to deal with on his own. He couldn't help missing his family; it didn't mean he didn't think anyone in his life now wasn't important. "Yeah, of course," he told her, handing her the photo. "At least it's done now. You don't need another one for a few months."

Harri gave a nod and pushed the photo back towards Marc. "Keep it for a little while, love. Maybe we can frame it and put it somewhere after the papers are signed and we get officially official. In a few months it's probably going to look like an actual baby. Fuck..."

"That's what the doctor says," Marc replied and slipped the photo into his breast pocket. It was probably going to hit him later on, after he broke down and cried for his family for a few hours. Maybe he could stop by Ali's at some point. He wouldn't have to offload it to Harri then. It was the last thing she needed. "He's a nice guy."

"He's the only doctor I've ever liked, so he has to be doing something right. I don't know if it's because he's nice, though. I think it's because he doesn't bullshit. People can be nice, but still bullshit." Harri pulled away, and rest a hand against her stomach. "I'll have a bump by then, too."

Marc nodded. "He's the one who got HIV, right? Andrew's cousin is marrying his sister? I'll get my head around all that six degrees of separation one day. Must help that he's a fellow Brit, only he's got a slight Scottish accent with some of his words." So he had been studying the guy closely. So what? The health of his kid was in the bloke's hands. They had to be more than adequate hands. "You don't want one?"

Harri gave a nod. "Yes, that's right. Believe me, I've hardly got my head around all of it myself. I think he spent some time in Scotland... and his best friend is a Scot. Both best friends. He's close to Pat after all..." Harri trailed off as she smirked a little. "Another one of your sorts. Likes it both ways. Except he's getting married himself. To a nurse." Harri looked up. "I do want one... I think that's what's throwing me off. I wasn't expecting to want one."

"My sorts, huh?" Marc said, smirking. "What are you on about? I'm deadly straight in this world. The guy had a nice arse, though. There's something about scrubs," he teased. "It's a gradual transition. You won't just wake up with it. Though I remember with Ali... damn. She hid it and she hid it well. Next thing I know I'm discovering she's pregnant and she's standing there with a bump out here." He gestured out the front of his stomach with his hands. "Enough to give a guy a stroke. I'd prefer the gradual, I think."

Harri nodded. "Yes, your sort. James' sort, I suppose. And I'm lucky you're my deadly straight sort, or we'd be in trouble. Not that I'm any stranger to being a fag hag." She took his hand, and held it against her still flat stomach. "And you're not getting the stroke, you're getting gradual. You've been involved since the beginning."

Marc didn't really know what he was supposed to be feeling. He wasn't quite to the point of acceptance Harri was yet. He was still trying to process it and wonder how the hell it was all going to work logistically. Any time he tried to think he was going to be a father, he let himself get distracted to stop thinking about it. He'd mostly resorted to trying to deal with it like he did most things in his life... with an analytical process of smaller processes and evidence to support them. Maybe joining the SS had caused him to become institutionalised. The worry had been tickling away in his brain for weeks now. It's when he had started toying with the idea of returning to his old life while it still might be salvageable. Not his whole old life. Harri was his life now, but some of the other things he had left behind. "It still feels weird," he had to tell her, not wanting to lie to her about this.

"I know, love." And she did. Harri had her moments of acceptance, but other times she just sat there and wondered what the fuck she'd gotten herself into. She was at the point where she needed to take things five hours at a time. And during this five hours she wasn't suffering morning sickness, and she was accepting of being pregnant. She released his hand and picked up her jacket. "I'd say let's go home, but we have dinner with Aiden and Pat tonight. Any idea what Marc and Harri should do in Princeton?"

Marc shook his head. "We've only got a few of hours to kill. I wouldn't suggest going around early because they're probably shagging each others brains out in lieu of a honeymoon. We should head to the shops, try and see if we can find them a wedding gift," he suggested. "And while we're here, I have to drop in on Alex for a briefing."

"I don't think they'd appreciate an audience. Pity..." Harri smirked at the idea as she pulled her jacket on, and smoothed it down. "Do you need me to busy myself elsewhere while you speak with Alex? I can get a head start on the shopping."

Marc raised his eyebrows curiously. "Have you watched Aiden before?" he asked. He tilted his head in consideration. "Actually, you might like to meet the real Alex. His real name is Teddy Darcy. Or Theodore, to be more accurate. His parents must've hated him when he was born, but apparently his sister drew the short straw as well. He's not in the same situation as me. He didn't walk away from his other life to go undercover. He's just undercover here in Princeton and bounces between his two lives."

Harri shook her head. "No, not once. I've always joked about it, but truth is, I would never intrude on his private life. Just ask for the gory details. Which have kind of stopped since I slept with Pat's twin." Harri grinned. "It's not as if I can't relate to the naming thing. If you're okay with it, I'll tag along. I promise not to bring up Kara."

Marc just laughed. "You should. Watch the undercover thing work in it's essence. He'll smoothly feed you 101 reasons why he hasn't been able to contact her and they will all sound as plausible as the next. He's not too bad a guy, he was just a royal pain in my arse when I landed him as my partner. Planted his foot firmly in his mouth the minute I met him, not realising I was me. His SS personality isn't as light and jokey as his kid doctor one. Kara might not actually like the real him."

"Don't you all find it tiring pretending to be someone you're not? I'm not sure I'd have enough energy to sustain being something like a ridiculously upbeat Valley Girl." Harri shuddered at the idea as she moved towards the door. "Sure you're not just mellowing in your old age?" she teased. "Kara is probably more concerned with sex right now, but it's not up to us. It's up to her, and I guess it's up to Teddy. I won't push anything. He can keep using the 101 excuses. Kara will persist if there was something she liked, but he may well succeed in making her lose interest."

Marc smirked and shook his head. He pulled his own long coat on and started to button it up. "It's not really like that. It's just like any other process you're trained for in a job. Only a lot of it is being aware and forward thinking. Infuriating for the likes of you who probably wonders what the fuck is going on in my head sometimes. It'll get clearer for you sooner, I promise. The Princeton-New York thing might be making the whole sex thing difficult. He's mentioned her a few times, but he's a good Agent. Persistence is the only thing that will cause him to think it would be worth it. It seems it's a Catch 22," he said wryly.

"Hopefully if I've taught her anything, it's persistence. Location shouldn't matter, though if it helps I can always open up an office here in Princeton... for no other reason than just because I can. I managed to hook you, after all. If I can do it, Kara can." Harri leaned forward to grab Marc's face as she gave him a kiss. "Think you would mind an hour or so clothes shopping? We can defile only the classiest of changerooms."

"And I take it you know all the classiest changerooms in Princeton?" Marc laughed. "Or did Riley feed you that info before he let me in the room?"

"Bit of both," Harri said with a grin. "So is it a date?"

Marc smirked. "See, I bought his innocent look. Yours, no way," he told her and took her hand. "It's a date."

Words: 2363 | All muses referenced with permission