Stop SIDS

Fan Charity Auction: Help GKTW

2011-08-26T12:03:58Z

This is posted with mod approval.

help_gktw is a fan charity auction in support to Give Kids The World, an organization that helps very ill children.

Signs up for artists and offerers are open until September 15. (Bidding will only open on September 16.)

You can find the full calendar and link to all kinds of offering posts here.

Thank you by advance for participating and spreading the word!

REMINDER!!!

2011-05-24T10:12:57Z

There's not long to go now guys! This has been very successful and there have been so many people offering items and stacks of bids!!! This is just a small reminder to let you know that if you that this round will be ending soon so if you haven't made that bid yet, you'd better get in soon. If you haven't offered that piece, get it up so people have the chance to buy it before time runs out!

The countdown officially ends on
GMT MIDNIGHT, MAY 31st, 2001

CHOICES IN ARRANGING A CHILD'S FUNERAL

2011-04-30T13:01:09Z

Arranging a child’s funeral: your choices
Choosing helpers
To bury or cremate
Spending time with your child
Other children in the family
Be led by your heart, not by time
Arranging the service
Creating memories

“We never expected to
bury our own child.We
didn’t have a plan, and
we had to face it in all
our grief.”

Arranging a child’s funeral: your choices

The funeral is the last physical act of caring for your child. It is a time, amid profound grief, when you can acknowledge your child and the meaning your child’s life holds for you and your family. You have many choices in arranging the funeral. Arrangements for children and babies may be quite different from the way adult funerals are conducted. There are few legal requirements in arranging a child’s funeral, although your religion or culture may guide you in your choices. Take your time, however.

“ Arranging our child’s funeral ourselves gave us something to do during those dreadful days: it gave us a sense of purpose.”

“ We chose a limousine to take us to the funeral so we could all be together as a family. This allowed us time to explain to the children what was going to happen at the funeral, and they were able to ask us questions about anything they didn’t understand.”

Choosing helpers
There are different ways to organise a funeral. Some families want to do all the organising themselves, while others arrange with a funeral director to guide and support them. You may want to find someone who will spend time getting to know your needs and wishes and helping you arrange the service your way. You may choose a family member, friend, minister, chaplain or celebrant to conduct your service.

A funeral director is there to help carry out your wishes. Ask him orher about such matters as viewing. Is more than one viewing possible? Is an appointment really necessary? Do they routinely use makeup? Many parents have been unhappy to find that makeup has been used on their child without their permission. You can then decide if this funeral company can provide what you really want.

Family and friends may want to protect you by taking arrangements out of your hands. But in the end, the choice must be yours.

“ I didn’t know whether I should ask. I was too embarrassed to ask for things that I wanted.”

“ Someone found a funeral director for us – we didn’t choose him.We were not given any options. It was far too short a time.”

“ Lachlan’s funeral was very heavily influenced by our family. Arrangements were taken out of our hands and although our ideas were acknowledged, the family ideas had greater influence. Later, it felt wrong for us.”

“ I would have loved to have brought Andrew home. My family thought that the children were traumatised enough and I just shouldn’t do it. So the children held him at the funeral parlour – they all said this was a very special, important time.”

“ The priest spent a couple of hours with us and we planned the service the way we wanted it. He visited us for months afterwards.We had an open casket in another room at the church so that people could see her. There were some people who would not have wanted to see her, so for their sake we didn’t have the opened casket in the church.”

“ As a grandmother I was tempted to shield my daughter from the pain. But as a mother I knew she deserved the right to do what she wanted, as this was her last time to do anything for her child. I guess I knew I had the future to help my child.My child had only this time to do anything for her daughter.”

To bury or cremate
This may determine the final resting place for your child. If you choose to bury your child, the burial must take place in an approved burial ground/cemetery. While you may carry your child in your own car, some state government regulations state that your child’s body must be placed in a closed coffin or casket before entering the cemetery grounds.

“We chose a country cemetery, where we found a plot which we thought was just right. It was near another baby 51/2 months old, whose grave was covered with petunias. The grave was dug by the cemetery.We had friends to help us lower the coffin. My husband lovingly made a unique headstone which he designed with koalas and stars on it.”

“We chose to cremate Lachlan. Then we brought his ashes home and we have him with us always, in his garden.”

“The minister talked us out of burying Glenn: he said it would be ‘too hard’ for us to visit the grave. Instead, he recommended the ashes be buried in the church Garden of Memories. Because we thought he knew, we took his advice – and still regret it. It took me five years to find enough courage to go back to the church to ask exactly where the ashes were buried in the Garden. They were so offhand, had no idea where the ashes were, it made me really angry. How could they be so uncaring about my son? When my father died a few years later, I had Glenn’s name included on the plaque. Somehow, it made it much better.”
Some cemeteries are more flexible than others about what they will permit. Some may have special restrictions regarding headstones and what is allowed on the gravesite. They may provide children’s sections which, in general, are more comforting than others.

Plots where ashes are buried may have a limited tenure of 25 years. Graves may be perpetual or limited in tenure. If a plot has been prepaid but has not been used, it has limited tenure. Ask for cemetery guidelines about the tenure and fees involved.

“ We wanted to bury Andrew but couldn’t, as we were on transfer to Melbourne. Our only real option was to cremate him and bring him with us.”

“ We take flowers to the grave on her birthday. The children have seen it and they talk about it. It’s not very pretty, but it’s a place to visit.”

“ The wording on Andrew’s grave is very important to all our family – when we visit the cemetery we always read it aloud. It seems to provide a sense of solidarity for all the children.”

“ In the rush, we chose a cemetery that mows down anything we leave on Ryan’s grave. Other cemeteries have children’s sections where they allow you to leave anything you want on the grave, including little windmills which you can hear as you approach.”
If you choose to cremate your child’s body, there are no restrictions on what you do with the ashes. You might decide to bury the ashes or to scatter them. Or you may want to keep them at home with you.

“ We’ve still got the box of ashes on the bookshelf at home.We haven’t got around to scattering them yet.”

“ We decided to put his ashes under a rose bush at the cemetery because that was somewhere for the children to visit.”

“ I am having an artist friend carve a wooden capsule in the shape of a gumnut to hold Zoë’s ashes. This way we can always have her as part of our lives.”

“ Now that we have scattered Lachlan’s ashes at our home, he will be with us all the time, but it is very hard to think of ever leaving this house.”

Spending time with your child
In almost all situations it is possible for you to spend time with your child prior to the funeral. Ask a funeral director to make the necessary arrangements.

In some situations when a child dies suddenly and unexpectedly at home, for example from SIDS, his or her body may be cared for athome or at the hospital before autopsy.

The autopsy may be undertaken at a Coronial Services Centre or a regional hospital. Hospital, Coronial Services and funeral service staff understand your need to spend time with your child. They understand that it may be very important to you to see and hold your child and to involve brothers, sisters and other members of the family. It may be possible for you to have your child at home before the funeral.

In writing this section we, as parents, have tried to prepare you for changes you will notice about your child. Although we don’t know the circumstances of your child’s death, inevitably, there will be changes. Your feelings of love will remain with you, even though your child has died and his or her appearance has changed.

Where a child has died, possibly of SIDS, he or she may appear pale and waxen with a bluish tinge to the lips. Sometimes, after a child dies, particularly when he or she has died during sleep, the skin may have a purple/blue mottled appearance, resembling bruising. However, this discolouration may have faded by the next time you see them. Body stiffening can set in quickly, approximately 24 hours after a child has died.

After this time his or her body may be cold; some parents have described their child as having a doll-like appearance. Dressing or partially dressing your child at this time will be more difficult than before, but is still possible. An autopsy will be performed by a pathologist or paediatric pathologist (child doctor). Usually, this will result in stitches in the chest and at the back of the head, but the child’s face will be untouched. If you do not want to see the stitches, you can ask that a nappy, singlet and bonnet be put on your child before you dress him or her.

We can assure you that the people at Coronial Services Centres who look after your child will do so with great care and respect.In some circumstances of death dressing or partially dressing your child, yourself, may not be possible, but it is still possible to spend time with your child.

After the autopsy, you will be able to be with your child again as often as you like. This might take place at a funeral parlour, at home, or at a place of your choice. This is often an appropriate time to take some photos if you wish and also to involve your other children. In cool and moderate climates your child’s body may be kept at home in a room without heating for about 36 hours. Partial or full preservation of the body may be required for a longer time at home or in warm weather.

“ A friend rang very late at night and said I could have my baby at home. It was lovely – we had the funeral director bring our baby to us and we took him to the funeral in our car.”

“ Our other children came to the funeral parlour and put drawings in the coffin; they kissed him and said goodbye.We were terrified going in and seeing this tiny little coffin, but it was something we wanted to do.”

“ I am sorry I never saw Brendan after he died. I will always wonder what he looked like and wish I had time for another cuddle!”

“ I had the funeral director come to my house and pick up our baby’s bassinet so we could view him in the bassinet.”

“ We wanted him dressed in particular clothes. I got his denims, his red jumper and beanie: it was better than a silly white bonnet.”

“ As Thomas had died while we were away on a family holiday, we didn’t feel the need to bring him back home, as we had only living memories of him there.”

Other children in the family

There are lots of ways in which you can include children in the arrangements for the funeral. Being involved helps both you and them to adjust to your child’s death.

If children are going to come to the funeral, it may be helpful to prepare them for what they might see and hear, before, during and after the funeral. For example, you can help them to understand that the people at the funeral will express their sadness in different ways and that some of them may be crying and upset.

“ I took Corey, aged 3, to the chapel and cemetery the day before the funeral. What we found hardest was when Haley’s coffin was to be covered with dirt. I hadn’t explained that to him – I had presumed he would understand.”

“ We explained everything to our children, Joel 41/2 and Dylan 31/2. They drew pictures and put them into the casket. Jessica had her toys and teddies in with her. The children saw her at the church and again at the cemetery.We had my father make the casket. He is a carpenter and he lined it beautifully.”

“ We spoke at the funeral and we taped the service. The older boys carried the coffin. This was what they wanted to do: four years on, they both say that despite all the tears, they felt great pride carrying their little brother on their shoulders.”

“ We made decisions on what we thought was best for the children, but now wished we had involved them more.”

Brothers wrote:

“ On the day, my family came in a limo. Then we walked down themiddle of all the people and put some flowers on top of his coffin. After the funeral, we had a party. I felt sad. I think it was important that me and my friends went.”

“ I remember many things at the time of Andrew’s death. One incident which was good for me in a way, but extremely sad, was when I held my baby brother Andrew in my arms for the last time to say goodbye. This was at the funeral parlour.”

“ It would have been nice to have had some soft colours around the coffin. We all wrote letters to him, which were buried with him. No one else knows what I wrote – it was just a letter between Andrew and I.”

Be led by your heart, not by time
In most cases, time is an issue. If your feeling is to bury your child tomorrow, pursue that instinct, but if you feel you need more time – even two weeks more – this is not unreasonable. You may want time just to be with your child, perhaps to arrange a naming ceremony and to be sure that your plans for your child’s funeral are what you would like them to be.With time, you can make choices and change your mind if necessary.

After a child has died you may feel shocked, angry, upset, numb and confused. It can be hard to take in what has happened, what it means to you and your family and what has to be organised. For many families it is the first experience of a death in the family. It can be frightening to think about what needs to be organised. The mostimportant thing that we can say is take your time – don’t rush. Do what you feel is best for you and your family. The choices you make now for your child are important now and in the future.

“ Thomas died on the Wednesday and we held his service on the Saturday. The three days between his death and the funeral felt like an awfully long time, but this timing was right for us.”

“ Being on holidays, by the time friends had arrived to rescue us, the two of us, in a matter of hours, had decided how we wanted Thomas’s funeral. In retrospect, we are glad we had this time alone.”

“ We arranged the funeral for the next day, but we didn’t take into account that Alyce’s body would not be available for 48 hours.We were disappointed but we decided to go ahead and hold the service without her being there.”

Arranging the service
Where will we hold the service?

You may decide to hold the funeral in a place that has special significance for the family: at home, in a church or in a garden. Some people have services at the funeral parlour, the crematorium or the graveside. Your choices are endless.

“ Some people were shocked that we held Zoë during the funeral service, while others thought it was a lovely thing to do. I couldn’t bear her to be taken away, we loved the garden and the service had to be held there.”

“ I was horrified that anyone would do anything for Zoë apart from us. The funeral director delivered the coffin and later brought Zoë home to us. She lay in her cot at home for three days and our friends and her little friends came and put flowers in the cot.

“ I did worry a bit about keeping her preserved. People poured in and out of the house with flowers, and children came to look at her in her cot – they were so matter-of-fact about it. In the end, I felt overwhelmed and as if I was entertaining people all the time. An old friend of ours did the service in our garden and we held Zoë in our arms. Some people were a bit upset by this.”

“ Andrew’s funeral was held in our parish church.While it was a traditional funeral Mass, we chose all the readings and wrote our own prayers. I gave the eulogy. It was very important for Ron and I to be able to share Andrew’s short life and death with all our friends who were there. James (Andrew’s twin brother) was in a pram beside us – this was very sad, as Andrew’s coffin was next to him – but we believed that the twins had always been together and later on, James will know he was there with Andrew.

“ Andrew’s older brothers carried out the coffin: ‘It made you feel sort of proud through all the sadness – carrying his coffin was my last goodbye.’

“ Andrew’s big sister read a prayer to her brother.We put a lot of time and thought into the Mass booklet and included several photos of Andrew in it, so everyone present took home photos of our little boy. So many people have told us since that they often look at his Mass book and keep it in a special place. It makes us realise just how much our little boy touched so many people, and obviously his short life still does.”
Choosing the casket

Some people have asked family members or friends to make the coffin. Families are also able to choose linings or coverings or provide their own. Parents may find that the tiny caskets have insufficient room for a child and the toys and mementos they may wish to add.

“ There was enough room for her and for the items each family member had chosen to give.”

“ The coffin was a really tight fit – we took him out of it when we got him home and had him laying on the bed. We dressed him at home in clothes that we chose and put a lambskin on the bottom of the casket. All of us in the family screwed down the lid and we knew he was in there and that we had done all we could.”

“ Zoë’s brother Tom painted the coffin with all her favourite things.”

“ We dressed Lannie (Ellana) as a fairy with a little tiara and wand. We put a number of things with her in the coffin, including her fairy doll and Teddy, a favourite blanket, Noddy, a book, and letters from her brothers, Sam and Jack. I took out Noddy and her blanket before Lannie was cremated so I could keep something precious of her last moments.”

The size of a casket may be important if it is being placed in a pocket of an adult grave. The pocket can be at the side, head or foot of the grave.

Transport

There are several options you can consider for transporting your child from Coronial Services and/or on the day of the funeral.

You may prefer to collect your child: that way you are able to use your own car. If a funeral director is collecting your child, he or she will generally use a sedan. If you wish, you may accompany them.

“ It is not necessary to use a hearse: we picked up our daughter from the Coronial Services Centre in our car.We had the casket in the car and we took her to the church.”

“ We had our service in the garden.My husband and I held Zoë in our arms in the car on the way to the crematorium.We had to stop at the gate and put her in a casket.”
Flowers and alternatives

When choosing flowers, people may have quite different ideas: some prefer masses, while others prefer none. Some parents prefer cut flowers, while others prefer plants for their homes.

Flowers may also be preserved as memories.

“ The flowers which we had preserved and framed were the ones Tim and I bought to place on Andrew’s coffin. The flowers are a symbol of our beautiful little son, Andrew. Something beautiful we can have forever.”

“ I had imagined Brendan’s coffin surrounded with masses of small white carnations. Instead, I accepted a small posy on his tiny casket as a cost alternative. The suggestion being that it was pointless to waste money at a time like this. I often ask myself, ‘When will there be another time when I can indulge myself with my son?’”

“ We put a notice in the paper: Cut flowers only or donations. The last thing I wanted was great wreaths. I would have preferred flowers scattered about rather than in
bunches.”

“ We carried our flowers into the church. It looked a bit bleak to start off with but it was lovely when we put them all on his little casket.”

“ We were overwhelmed with flowers ... I would have preferred plants for the garden, as a lasting memorial to Zoë.”

“ We didn’t want formal flowers and asked people to donate money to SIDS research. However, we did ask them to bring flowers from their gardens. I think I wanted them to feel some of my pain as they picked them. They all looked rather sad sitting on the wire racks outside the church but it seemed to symbolise how we felt.”

“ Our four children all had special trees. On the coffin we had branches of Cootamundra Wattle, which was Glenn’s tree. It had just flowered that week.”

One family requested teddy bears instead of flowers. These were later donated to a children’s ward at the local hospital.

Other ideas

Some families may like to have helium-filled balloons to symbolically release at the funeral for any children attending.

“We had balloons at the funeral. The children released them and felt an important part of the ceremony, but they were actually far more meaningful for the adults present.”

Families have suggested:

involving the children’s friends, to read, to sing, or to play an instrument at the funeral.
burning of candles and incense to create an uplifting atmosphere.

There are endless possibilities: the important thing is that you create a service that meets the particular needs of you and your family.

Creating memories
“ We were never offered footprints or a lock of hair. This will always be a regret.”

“ I have seen a piece of clay with the baby’s hand and footprints impressed into it. I wish we had been aware of this possibility, even though we had accepted the offer of ink prints. There was something very lovely in being able to feel the shape of the hands and feet.”

“ I treasure that little book with all the photos.”

“ We have since had another baby and we now wish we had allowed more space on the plaque for the addition of the names of new brothers and sisters.”

“ We taped the entire service. It is our living memento.”

“ As we had a private service, we opened up our house afterwards to friends. We asked our family and friends to write down their memories of Thomas. Our children now love to remember and laugh about these memories when we read ‘Tom’s Book’.”

“ It was a big blur at the time.We took photographs at the funeral of people who spoke. My father read a letter that our cousin wrote to the baby.We wanted to have a memory of how we said goodbye.”

Some parents find that after time has passed, they have a need to find creative ways of expressing their grief.

“ ... creativity can be expressed in many different ways, and while forsome that expression seems to come effortlessly, for others it is a slower, more complicated experience.”

“ Each time someone significant in my life was expecting a baby, my grief was renewed.Many times I feared ever being able to welcome a new baby with love. For me, quilting was a way to express not only my own pain, anger and frustration, but enabled me to encourage in myself those feelings of love for a new baby. Each time
I started a new cot quilt for someone else’s baby, I began the process of realisation and acceptance. Each time I finished a quilt, I knew I would be ready to welcome the child with love.”

Parents may find themselves painting, sewing or quilting. Others may sit and write about their child.Making a photograph album, compiling all the memories of your baby from family and friends, planting a garden or a tree, preserving some flowers from the funeral, may be a part of the expression of your grief and love.

GRANDPARENT TO GRANDPARENT

2011-04-30T10:58:22Z

Shattered Dreams
Grandparent's Grief: A Double Blow
Support For You And Your Family
Special Issues

Shattered Dreams
The death of a beloved grandchild is one of the hardest things a grandparent ever has to face. Your natural hopes and dreams for the future have been shattered and you have been faced with an almost unbearable tragedy. Grandparents expect that they will be able to love and enjoy their grandchildren: the natural order is that they will die before their own children – and certainly before their grandchildren.

“We tend to think of our own children as a continuation of ourselves and when grandchildren come along it means that part of us is going on into the future: the nearest thing we have to immortality.”
– Marian

“ I had envisaged [my adult children’s] future as being whole, with those special moments we could all share, the ones we all take for granted with every baby’s birth. Such little things (smiling, talking, walking and growing up).”
– Lorraine

“We have had deaths of close family before but never had [experienced] these feelings so strongly. Perhaps this time it was because it concerned a little baby who had not had a chance to grow up with us… Indeed, there is no worse nightmare than the death of a child.”
– Robert and Roberta

Grandparent's Grief: A Double Blow
Grief: no rights and wrongs

Grief is a normal response to loss. There is nothing unusual about the feelings or thoughts you may have and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. The important thing is to both give and receive support.

Listening and caring are the two most important things that anyone can do for a person who is grieving. You need to be able to listen and care for others who are affected by the death of your grandchild but you must also be listened to, and cared for. You too, must grieve.

Grandparents experience a ‘double grief ’ when a child dies. Not only does the death of your grandchild mean that you unexpectedly lose a treasured grandchild but also that you witness the pain and suffering of your own child. This pain is something you cannot take away. This can be difficult to accept because as a parent you expect (and desperately want) to be able to take away your child’s pain. The one thing that would help your child feel better – to have their child back – is impossible. It is natural for you to feel useless,
ineffective and hopeless.

With so much attention on the grieving parents you may find yourself forgotten at times. Nonetheless, grandparents’ grief is as intense and painful as the grief of others. It is important to look after yourself and to acknowledge the intensity and the range of the reactions you experience. You may feel regret that you lived too far away to participate in your grandchild’s life. You may feel guilt that your grandchild died before you. Perhaps you are angry with God or sorry that the relationship with your son
or daughter is not as close as it could be.

It is normal to think of these things and to experience a wide range of feelings. Sometimes you may experience all of these things ‘all at once’ and sometimes you may spend whole days dwelling on just one. Accept also that there may be times when you feel numb and try not to feel guilty if there are moments when you feel ‘nothing at all.’ The death of a grandchild is not just a mental and emotional shock, it is a body blow.

Disbelief, shock, guilt, blame and anger are common feelings following loss. It is helpful to remember that the process of adjusting is slow and that you may mourn for a much longer time than you anticipate – or want. Three years is not an unusual length of time.

“Whatever way you grieve, know that it is the right way for you, that you are normal, and that it is healthy to grieve.”
– Dorothy

“Privately, I have varied emotions over the death of our grandson. Sometimes I feel depressed. These feelings can last for days. At other times I am happy for knowing the ‘little bloke’ and the joy he brought to all of us. I remember saying shortly after his death, ‘At least we had one Christmas with him’.”
– Mike

“ After such devastation I couldn’t imagine how I could not only survive, but live and breathe without feeling pain and guilt. Guilt plays such a large part in our grief. How can you rationalise a baby dying before its grandparent?”
– Lorraine

A child suffers – yours

It can be a real struggle to ‘be there’ for an adult child who is suffering from such a monumental loss when you are feeling bereft yourself. However, being available might be the best and only thing you can do at this time. You see your child suffering and you grieve too. This is natural although knowing this won’t make it easier or any less difficult.

“I also remember the day Rhys died and I walked into his bedroom and my son was draped over the cot crying for his little son. I walked up behind him intending to place my hands on his shoulders and comfort him. [But] I wasn’t able to say or do anything. I have never felt so inadequate as a parent.”
– Mike

“The feelings I had when Amie died are hard to explain. I was mourning for my granddaughter and I was so helpless because I couldn’t fix the hurt that [the parents] were suffering. After all, a mother is supposed to be able to take away the pain and fix things.”
– Anonymous

“ I felt such a shock and terrible anger – and still do. I can’t stop crying. Everything hurts terribly. I have so much more to say but I don’t know how. I love [my daughter] Crystal but I feel pain for her for what she has had to go through. And my grandchildren – nobody knows the love I have for them.”
– Marion

“ After the fog lifted from me, there was the grief and deep hurt to see my own son suffering, the empty longing my daughter-in-law must have been feeling, and the frustration of not being able to take away their hurt, but only to be there when they needed me.”
– Ann

“ Our anger has subsided. It still resurfaces every now and then and it is tinged with sadness and regret. Yes, we lost our grandson and we grieved for him but we also had another grieving . . . our child was hurting and for the first time we couldn’t heal the hurt. This realisation added to our sorrow.”
– Robert and Roberta

“ We will always remember that on arrival we were confronted by the empty car capsule and then the empty nursery. [Our children] were grief-stricken. No parent likes to see their children distressed and, as Sam’s grandparents, we felt we were completely unable to help other than to just be with them.”
– Dorothy and Jim

“ You watch your child go through the worst nightmare of their life and you wonder where she gets her strength and courage from. We all had to go through the arraignment, trial and sentencing. He was found guilty of murder, sentenced to life and he will now appeal this sentence. He appears to have so many rights while you feel you have none.”
– Sue

Support For You And Your Family
Support for yourselves

Grandparents are often at a point in their lives where they may have experienced a number of losses. Perhaps you already have experience supporting family and friends through grief and loss. You need to ensure your children (the parents) have support, but it is also essential that you have support.

Do not underestimate the impact that this death will have on you. Your grief is real and painful. You need support in your own right.

Grief is an individual thing. Partners may grieve in different ways. Try to talk with your partner about your feelings and thoughts so that you better understand each other’s needs. If you find it is too difficult to talk about how either of you are feeling directly, then try and discuss how to be a comfort to each other. It may be that you or your partner needs solitude or that one of you is comforted by looking at photos of your grandchild while the other finds it unbearable. It will help to know these things about each other.

We often find that grief can stir up other painful memories. Talk about your feelings with others. Friends and family members are the usual ones to turn to for a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Support is also available from people who have experienced the death of a child (see support information at the back of this book).

Some people find that talking to a counsellor, general practitioner or religious adviser is helpful. Your own religious, cultural and spiritual beliefs may be of great comfort and help in dealing with your grief.

Others find reading useful.Writing a diary may help to get your thoughts and feelings off your chest.Writing poems, doing something practical and creative like gardening, building or sewing may help you to express feelings that are too difficult to put into words.

Disturbed sleep and eating patterns are not uncommon with grief. It helps to get some exercise, eat nutritious food and generally take care of yourself.

“My wife has different feelings and thoughts from me. I respect that and in noway have I tried to sway her from her opinions. Together we monitor each other, maybe not knowingly, but I’m sure we do.”
– Mike

“ On hearing [of our grandson’s death], we were devastated and went into shock; so much so that we received immediate (and ongoing) counselling from our minister and his wife. The next day, we drove from our home in Bendigo to be with Sam’s parents at Moe.”
– Dorothy and Jim

“ I found it very hard to admit that I needed help in the form of a counsellor. Even the day Ruth arrived, I told her that I wasn’t sure that I was doing the right thing in talking to her. And yet casually just sitting and chatting to her in an informal way helped me tremendously to realise that I wasn’t going mad, that all my emotions were quite normal, and that I would survive.”
– Dorothy

“ I was at a few different crossroads about what my daughter was doing after the death of my grandchild. It helped to know that others had had this experience. It was pretty harrowing. My daughter still has problems but she is learning to live with the pain and so am I.”
– Carol

“ Living in a small country town has many advantages, one of them being the support you get from the community when a tragedy like this happens. You are inundated with so much food, offers of help, visits, phone calls and flowers every day for at least three weeks after the death. Then people still drop in from time to time weeks after. There is so much compassion with country people, they all pull together in every type of situation.”
– Elsie
Supporting grieving parents

Family is where most people find care and support. It is natural that we turn to those closest to us – those who will take the time and the care needed to provide concrete, gentle and much-needed support.

No decision has to be made quickly. Ask if the parents would like help in practical ways. Create opportunities to listen and to show you care. Everyday things like shopping, preparing food and looking at photos provide these opportunities.

Following such a shocking loss, bereaved parents may feel overwhelmed by their feelings and think that everything is out of their control. So taking time, slowing down and giving your calm, unhurried support to the parents can be very helpful. It’s a good idea if the parents themselves have as much control as they can manage in the circumstances.

As the parents try to come to terms with the reality of their child’s death, they may want to take their own time to adapt to life without their child.

Things like sorting out the child’s bedroom or nursery, or clearing up the unused bottles of baby’s formula in the refrigerator, can only be done when the parents are ready.

A grieving mother once described finding some greasy little fingerprints of her child at the bottom of a wardrobe mirror – and never cleaned them off. It is a good idea to check with the parents if you want to touch your grandchild’s belongings.

Avoid suggesting that the care the child received was less than adequate. Here is what some bereaved parents said of the support they received from their parents.

“ My dad never said anything at all, but I knew from the look in his eyes that he shared my grief. The fact that they were grieving too for Alyce, really helped me… Also, they (especially mum) were the only ones who knew me well enough to give me confidence to believe in myself and that I really did the best I could at the time.”
– Angela

“Luckily my mother and mother-in-law were around to take over his [the surviving twin’s] feeding, bathing, etc, allowing me the space I needed just to exist. Everything was such an effort. If breathing had not been automatic I think I would have stopped that too.”
– Carin

“ My father said to me ‘You never ever forget’. From a man who’s always said he would love to hug and tell us he loves us, but he can’t. In that short sentence he said so much.”
– Anthony

“ Be there to listen, talk about it, let them talk, encourage them to do so. Be honest – you don’t know why it happens, it’s not ‘God’s will’. Don’t say ‘Oh you can try again’ or ‘Yes I know how you feel’ because the truth is you don’t and never will know how they feel.”
– Una

“ There was nothing I could do to make it right. All I could do was to let her know that she was still loved and that she was still worthwhile, but it took a little while for her to accept this. It was pretty harrowing at times, but I persevered. There were times when I felt that nothing that I said or did would work: even that it was making it worse.”
– Carol

“The best thing we did was to talk – all the way through. We went on some trips to the cemetery together, we looked at the photos. Sometimes we went shopping together. I had to pick my way at times when she was feeling fragile. Some days these outings were just not the best thing to do, so I just tried to ‘go with the flow’.”
– Carol
Your other children

A child’s death affects many people. Your other children will have their own grief. They may see things differently and express themselves in different ways.

“ My other son, Rhys’s uncle, also suffered from the loss, not that he will talk about it, but I know he is hurting. As a parent and a grandparent your feelings are stretched across the immediate family.”
– Mike

“ We watched our other daughter, Vanessa, pick up the phone and notify friends and relatives of little Josh’s death. She asked, ‘Mum, how can I make it better for my brother, look at poor Dad. What can I do?’ She, as a daughter, sister and auntie at the age of 18, also felt devastated and useless.”
– Astrid

“I found that we all grieved in different ways at different times. To comfort, to listen, be understanding, and to have a shoulder ready to cry on, helped us all. We don’t feel ashamed, foolish or weak by showing and sharing our emotions. I feel that this is a healing process.”
– Dorothy
Friends and neighbours

Most friends and neighbours want to be helpful but sometimes they’re not. They don’t mean to be hurtful but very often they don’t know how to respond. They may not know what to say or do for you as bereaved grandparents. Try to ease the way by telling them what would be helpful for you. You might
also say that you don’t know what to say either.

“I remember getting angry when people asked how [my daughter] was coping. Of course she was hurting; but didn’t they know David was hurting, that Luke was hurting, that I was hurting too.”
– Patricia

“ When I realised what was happening, I told them that I still wanted to hear about another person’s grandchild, I did not want them NOT to be happy and excited over some milestone that their grandchild had achieved. That was a very hard period learning to cope with MY jealousy in their excitement. I now look at their grandchildren who were born about the same time as Nathan, and try to imagine Nathan doing the same things. Will this feeling ever end?”
– Dorothy

“We talk of David in the normal course of conversation. After all, he was part of our lives. We find it strange when others steer clear of the subject or even look awkward should they mention the name ‘David’ when speaking about someone else. How can one explain to them that they talk about yesterday or last month and the things they did, so to mention David who is also in the past is no different. He is part of our family’s past and nothing or no one can take that away from us.”
– Marian

“ How many grandchildren do we have, you may ask. We have nine – seven boys and two girls. Daniel and Christopher are always included in this number.We have had three more grandchildren since Daniel and
Christopher left us and I think that those three are just a little more ‘special’ because of their brothers.”
– Robert and Roberta

Special Issues
Anniversaries

‘Devotion and affection do not end with death.’
– Unknown

There are no rules about how to mark anniversaries – or which ones to mark. The parents may have ideas that are unusual and creative. There are things you can do too.

Some people donate a gift to needy children at Christmas; others visit the grave with balloons on Father’s Day. Some write a poem, add special plants to a garden, light a candle at the temple or get together with family members and browse through a photo album.

These are all ways of demonstrating that though a child has died, the bond with that child will never disappear.

“ Amie is still very much a part of our lives, she would have started school this year, so we planted a tree in the grounds of the school she would have attended.”
– Anonymous

“ My wife and I both cried on the day which would have been Rhys’s first birthday. In the New Year we will have to face the first anniversary of his death. There is no laid down procedure for these things; we don’t know what to do.”
– Mike

“ I spent the day with my daughter and her husband and many of their friends and family called in, phoned or sent flowers. We had tea together and after lighting Nathan’s Christening candle said a special prayer for Nathan. Each anniversary, birthday,Mother’s and Father’s days, Christmas and Easter we remember Nathan in some special way. How could we possibly forget such a special little boy.”
– Dorothy
Creating memories

While some of your memories are from times when your grandchild was alive there are others that you can create in your own time. Compiling photos, planting a garden, creating something out of wood or metal, writing poetry, embroidery. These are just some of the things that grandparents have done.

“ I have many very special memories of Nathan and have written a song (words and music) about him, written a poem, created a photo album of special times spent with him. I have two ‘Nathan’ roses in my garden and the photograph of an echidna painting which I did for him, talking to him whilst I was painting it, as well as the memories of the many special moments and games we shared.’
– Dorothy
Another grandchild

There may come a time when your children decide to have another baby. This can be a time of worry, joy, sad memories and hope.

“To see them deprived of their parenthood, and to hear well-meaning friends endeavouring to comfort us by saying there will be other children was very distressing to us. As parents ourselves, we knew that any subsequent child is an addition to the family, not a substitute for the one taken by death.”
– Dorothy and Jim

“ Right then I knew that this was a decision that they, the parents, would make and my role would be to support and encourage their decision, whatever that may be.”
– Barbara

“ I have found it very hard not to become over protective with my other grandchildren, not to spoil them. Every minute I spend with the children is even MORE special to me now.”
– Dorothy

“ Now, five years down the track, little Kaitlin three years old and Anthony one year – a happy family. I guess the time worn phrase ‘time heals’ is minutely true but the memory lingers and so it should. Daniel has not beenreplaced, he just has a sister and brother.”
– Una

ANOTHER BABY? part 2

2011-04-30T09:59:44Z

The birth: grief and joy

The birth of your next baby will almost inevitably re-awaken your grief for your child who has died. It will be a time of sadness, grief, joy, pride, relief and probably anxiety.

“I cried for the first 24 hours when my daughter was born. They didn't understand that I was actually saying goodbye to my dead son.”

“When my next son was born I cried and cried. I realised it was really saying goodbye to Jonathan with the arrival of a new son. At some level I must have still thought that he was coming back but the new baby was his own little person.”

“When Jonathon was born I insisted that he stay by my bedside continually. I got no sleep and my milk was late arriving. I felt that no-one in the world understood what I was going through.”

“It is difficult to be feeling two opposite emotions at once. Such joy at the new life, the new hope, the new chance, intermingled with such grief and pain at the lost life, lost hope, lost chance.”

The hospital

Parents often find it helpful to visit the hospital and meet the midwifery staff before the birth. You could talk to them about your feelings before you go into hospital for the birth. On the ward, make sure that staff know about your story; a note on the top of your history may help. Ask for continuity of staff if possible, to avoid constantly having to tell your story to new staff. Don’t be reluctant to ask for whatever special arrangements will help.

“I think that it is important to inform staff how you feel and maybe even request a single room if that is what you feel you need. I did this because I was unsure about how I would feel after the birth of our subsequent child. I know I wanted privacy and I didn't want to frighten other mothers if I was a crying mess.”

“I think it helped that I wrote my story for the midwives to read – it seemed to really help the staff.”

Some parents will find it difficult to trust anyone else to care for their baby in hospital, whereas others will find it frightening to have the responsibility, particularly whilst their baby is asleep. Both reactions are understandable and based on a very normal fear. Hospital staff need to know why you are feeling this way. Do talk to them.

“Being in labour in hospital the staff were telling me to push and I said ‘No, I've changed my mind. I'm not having the baby today. She is safer inside’...I was in labour for 30 hours!! Lucy was born beautiful and well...Finally!!”

“I felt very anxious in the fortnight prior to the birth. I had a deep fear that the baby might not survive the birth and actually asked for a caesarean to end the worry.”

The new baby
Your new baby will bring joy but maybe also sorrow, as you remember the older brother or sister whom he or she will never know.

You may initially find it more difficult to feel a special bond with this baby. Many parents worry about allowing themselves to get close to or love their new baby too much, for fear of being hurt again. Usually this passes fairly quickly, as you get to know your new child. Sometimes people find that after their new baby has passed the age at which their other baby died, they seem to feel more relaxed and are more able to enjoy this new baby. However, this may not be a comfort for people whose children were older when they died.

You may also feel scared. This is normal. Even people who have never experienced the death of a child will feel frightened by the responsibility of a new baby, so it is to be expected that you will feel afraid at times!

“I initially held back from loving too much to protect myself ... for fear of being hurt again or of losing her.”

“Initially, my husband would check our sleeping baby constantly but I would never go and check particularly if she overslept. I always felt that if she was dead I wanted to postpone the agony of finding out. It is something I still cannot do.”

“I was surprised and unprepared to find that I grieved for Jacob all over again following Luke’s birth – Jacob should have reached the milestones Luke was reaching, Jacob would have been as adorable as Luke. Jacob should have grown and flourished as Luke was.”

“Once the baby started to move inside me, I started to panic. I was frightened. I quickly convinced myself that I had never really wanted another baby. I felt that I would be unable to hold it, love it, breastfeed it or care for it in any way. However, I couldn’t stop myself from loving him, holding him and caring for him in every way.”

“Because Zoe died when she was 20 months old, we didn’t sleep properly until Lily was well over 2 years.”

“I also remember feeling so angry at times. It was bad enough that Jenny had died, but living with the fear that it could happen again seemed to be so unfair. The fear did seem to increase as the 10 week mark approached [the age that Jenny died]. The night that Allison was the same age as Jenny had been, was one of the hardest.”
“How many children do you have?”

It is probably a good idea to plan how you will answer questions from strangers who do not know about your child who has died, questions such as “Is this your first child?” You may feel more in control if you decide beforehand what you will tell strangers.

“Personally I feel I need to acknowledge Julia (our baby who died) even more so after the birth of Matthias.”

“I choose who I tell. Sometimes I say I have four children, and sometimes I say I have had five. I am only interested in talking to people that I feel comfortable with, about my child who has died.”
Comparisons

It is normal to look for similarities and differences throughout the pregnancy and when the new baby arrives. If your child had not died you would certainly have compared a new brother or sister to them. You will still do this and when others compare them too, it will reassure you that your child is not forgotten.

“I was pleased at how much Kaitlyn looked like Daniel. Not identical, but she looked like his sister.”

“No-one in the family, not even my husband, could see a resemblance between my lost Geoffrey and my new Jonathon. No-one wanted to acknowledge that Geoffrey had ever existed. But I knew that Geoffrey was very special and he would always live in my heart.”

“I never realised how soft a baby’s skin is and how wonderful that baby smell is until after Jenny died. Allison and Christopher brought back those smells and touches.”
Choosing a name

You will be conscious that this next child has his/her own distinct identity. Occasionally parents make a link with the child who has died by including that child’s name as a middle name. There is no rule about this.

Your child’s belongings

Some parents decide to keep in a special place a selection of the clothes and toys that belonged to their child who has died. The remaining items then might be used again for the next child, or given away. There are no right or wrong choices about this – do whatever feels right.

“We had decided that we wanted as many things different from when we had Mitchell as possible. For example Jacob slept in the same room as us. Mitchell slept in his own room.Mitchell had slept in a bassinette. Jacob slept in a cradle. Jacob and Mitchell were born in opposite seasons so I didn’t have to face the issue of Jacob wearing Mitchell’s clothes. I did however use the same nappies, singlets etc.”

“I had made a couple of quilts for Daniel and was happy to use these for the other babies. Likewise, with many of his toys. But a couple are kept out of reach and remain Daniel’s.”

“As Megan died at the age of 4 months, a lot of her clothes were never worn. However she did have some special dresses...we decided that Sarah would not wear these.”

“We decided not to use any of Joshua’s belongings for Trent, as Trent was a new person and had to have his own clothes, bed, etc.”

“Our new daughter wore some of Zoe’s clothes, just as she would have if Zoe had lived. It gave me a sense of continuity within the family.”
Sleeping your new baby safely

If your child died of SIDS or from some hazard in his/her sleeping environment, you will be concerned to have up-to-date information about how to reduce the risks of SIDS and ensure that your child’s sleeping environment is as safe as possible. Research has provided good practical ways that you can reduce the risk of SIDS, but it is important to remember that risk factors are not causes; the causes of SIDS are still unknown. There is no way of knowing whether any of the risk factors play a part in any one child’s death.

Your local SIDS organisation has brochures which provide information about ways to reduce the risk of SIDS and to prevent sleeping accidents by focussing on safe cots, safe mattresses, safe bedding and a safe sleeping place.

Suggestions about providing a safe sleeping environment may raise anxieties and possibly even feelings of guilt over the death of your child, but you need to know that this information is new and may not have been available to you. Some deaths just cannot be prevented.

“I felt very strongly that the only way I could enjoy my next child to any extent was by taking every precaution I possibly could.”

“I did my best with Kara with the knowledge I had.With my subsequent child I am aware of the risks even more so and I do my best with the knowledge I have.”
Monitoring

Some parents find it reassuring to have an intercom between rooms monitoring noises in a child’s room. These intercoms are for reassurance and allow parents to be responsive to children who are in another room. They are not used for monitoring breathing or sleeping position.

Parents who have had a child die suddenly and unexpectedly may make enquiries about the use of monitors to detect the possibility of a cessation of breathing. An apnoea monitor is a piece of medical equipment, which detects changes in a baby’s breathing pattern. Apnoea is a medical term which means that breathing has stopped. It is known that short periods of apnoea are normal in infants.

There is no evidence that using an apnoea monitor prevents SIDS, or that there is any scientific benefit from the monitors. Some parents may feel more relaxed and reassured using a monitor for a subsequent child, but others may find that using a monitor increases their anxiety, especially if “false alarms” are often experienced.

More detailed information on monitors can be obtained from your local SIDS organisation. It is important if you do decide to monitor that you contact a recognised hospital-based Home Apnoea Monitoring Program so that you have technical support and learn how to perform infant resuscitation in case you should need it. Your local SIDS organisation can advise about this and can arrange for you to speak with other parents if you wish.

“We knew a monitor was not a lifesaving device.We wanted to focus on ‘the positive’ and for our new baby to be part of our family in as normal a way as possible.We were afraid the technological intrusion of a monitor would inhibit the adjustment process for all of us.”

“Living with a monitor can be challenging. Looking back, I realise how silly some of the things I did may have seemed to someone else. Like having a shower with the door propped open and the control box up on the bed, so I could see the little green light. I knew from experience that I would hear the alarm even with the door closed, but it was ‘just in case’.”

“We decided before I had even conceived that we would have a monitor... It would give us more of a feeling of control and that if he did die we had done everything we possibly could.”

“I wouldn’t walk into the room if I couldn’t see that light flashing…I couldn’t put her (next child) in a cot without a monitor, because Ben died in a cot.”

“We decided against a monitor...we became our own monitors though. Kaitlyn went everywhere with me during the day. She was wheeled from bedroom to bathroom to kitchen to laundry to lounge – awake or asleep. She wasn’t left with anyone else until well over 12 months and slept in our room until she was nearly two.”

“We monitored James, Andrew’s surviving twin. Tthe monitor instantly became a family friend. Patrick, our subsequent baby was also monitored – even in hospital – again with a feeling of real relief.Monitoring was a really important issue for our older children who were young teenagers. It lessened their anxiety enormously.”

What people say
The death of your child has also affected friends and relatives. They may feel worried about you and the new baby. Sometimes they will not know what to say or do and sometimes their comments may hurt. But do try to keep your friendships going – don’t let barriers arise between you. You are the ‘experts’ about your own family, so you are the ones to make the decision about whether and when to have another child.

Occasionally, if friends and relatives have no knowledge about grief and loss, they may assume that your grief will disappear and you will be fine again when a subsequent child is born. They may need a gentle reminder that you are not replacing your child who has died and that your love for that child, and your grief, will always be a part of your life.

“We always wanted a large family, but we didn’t know what other people would say if we had another child. We worried too much about what other people would think. Other people don’t understand what we are going through.”

“Our parents especially were not overjoyed at the news that we were pregnant again. They were scared for us because they had no control over what may happen again. However, in hindsight I can understand their concerns. They do not regret our decision now as they have a beautiful healthy grandson that they adore and cherish.”

“Some people, who were really close to us, said we were not ready to have another baby. I realised that they actually meant that they were not ready to take that risk of loving another one of our children...but now they share in the joy the children have brought.”

Final thoughts
You may find it helpful as well as reading this post to talk to other parents and/or to a counsellor. Whatever decisions you make, it does not mean you have stopped grieving for your child who has died. Your child will never be replaced, but you will learn to build your life around your loss. A future with new hopes and dreams is possible.

“Time does heal even if you don’t have another child.”

“When Jemma was born I laughed from my heart again for the first time since Justin died… I found out what healing means when [she] was put on my tummy after she was born.”

“What we needed the most was counselling and support for us with other parents in the same situation. A new baby/pregnancy for grieving parents is not filled with joy and happiness that so many other parents feel…Having other parents around who are either in the same situation or have been through it before gives you some hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.”

“It has been a long hard road at times but for every day we miss our beautiful boy we are faced with another equally adorable child who brings us endless joy. She has helped repair some of the damage of a devastating loss. To be blessed with her has been worth every minute.”

The documentary ‘Regarding Raphael’ screened on ABC TV’s Australian Story in 2002, is Vanessa Gorman’s story of the birth of Raphael who was born two years after the death of Layla, her daughter who died soon after birth. Layla’s father,Michael Shaw comments:

“Probably what people really want to hear is, ‘She was sad, she had the baby and now she’s better’, and it’s not how things are. It’s just not how things are, you know. One child doesn’t replace another one.”

Vanessa reflects:

“I want the opportunity sometimes still sort of to say ‘I really miss her, you know. I just really miss her.’ And it’s so simple and basic. But I still miss her every day, and I still think about her every day… It can never really be a happy ending when you’ve lost your child because that loss is always there, but it’s a happier reality I guess…Raffie - I feel like he’s given me a future. I feel like he’s given me back optimism in the world and optimism about life. I’m so looking forward to seeing him grow up and seeing all his little milestones and his big milestones…And so he’s given me back optimism and joy. Huge gifts.”

ANOTHER BABY? part 1

2011-04-30T05:03:09Z

Another baby? The decision is yours...
Thinking about having another baby
Special issues for fathers
Special issues for siblings
The pregnancy
The birth: grief and joy
The new baby
What people say
Final thoughts

What is SIDS?
The death of a child is perhaps the greatest tragedy that can occur to parents. You will be changed by this devastating loss and you may find that your previous thoughts and plans about having another child will now also be affected.

You may be wondering when, or whether, you should have another child.
You may be surprised by some of your own feelings and wonder if other parents have felt the same way.
You may notice that you and your partner feel differently about whether and when to have another baby.
You may be given advice by family, friends and others who have your best interests at heart, but the advice may not seem right.

It is important for you to know that:

You and your partner are the only people who know what is right for you... so have the confidence to believe in your feelings.

There is absolutely no right or wrong decision, only what is right for you. However, no matter what your decision is, there will be times of doubt, hesitation, fear and joy, and you may change your mind several times.

Be reassured that no matter how strange your thoughts and feelings may seem, other parents have probably had similar thoughts and feelings.

“I remember, after Daniel died, receiving much unsolicited advice from various sources: ‘The best thing you can do is get pregnant right away; have another baby’. Alternatively: ‘You have to give yourself time to grieve for your baby; don't try and replace him with another’. Naturally I resented being told what ‘the best thing’ for us was.”

“I had made the decision to have another baby within 24 hours. I wanted to know if that was normal.”

“Any final decision is only final for today, tomorrow you may feel very different.”

Thinking about having another baby
Your baby has died but the love you have for him or her will not end. It is precious and enduring; he or she will always be a part of your family. In thinking about whether to have another baby, you may be afraid that you are being disloyal or that you may come to love that precious child less, but this will not happen. Every child is unique and special and your love and memories will always remain - another child will not diminish this in any way if you choose to have another child.

The famous psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, after the death of his daughter, Sophie, wrote to a friend:

“Although we know that after such a loss the acute state of mourning will subside, we also know we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute, no matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually this is how it should be… it is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish.”
(Freud, S. (1929) Letter to Binswanger. In E.L.Freud (ed.) Letters of Sigmund Freud, New York, Basic Books.)

Many parents are very frightened about having another baby after one of their children has died. There is an incredible feeling of vulnerability. There is a realisation that parents are not able to control everything about their lives and the lives of their children. No matter what the cause of the death, any situation that is a reminder of the cause of death evokes special anxiety.

We decided to have another child

It takes courage to contemplate having another baby after a child has died. You may have many fears and uncertainties:Will this baby be all right? Will he die too? How will I sleep at night? Will I be able to love another baby? Is it worth the risk?

These doubts and uncertainties are not unusual. You have been touched by tragedy. The unbelievable has happened, your sense of security and safety has been shattered and you are vulnerable.

“The day Mitchell died I decided that I wanted another baby. Today. I didn’t want to replace him, I just wanted a baby. A baby to hold and cuddle.”

“I wanted other children before Sam died and I’m sure Sam would want me to fulfil my dreams after his death, as I would if he was alive.”

“We loved our son.We loved being parents.We knew we would never have Daniel back, but we could have his brother or sister - and that was an exciting thought.”

“The joy of holding my beautiful live daughter was a blessing I thought I would never know again.”

“We could never replace Alyce but we needed another baby to cuddle. Renée was born one year later. She brought us back to life. It was the best decision we ever made for ourselves and for our [older] daughter, Sara.”

“We learned...that a very large percentage of [bereaved] parents decide to have another baby. I think this gave us some encouragement also.”

“We wrote all the ‘pros’ and ‘cons’ on a sheet of paper. There was soon a long list of ‘cons’ but it was difficult to write any ‘pros’ at all, beyond our heartfelt longing.”

“Looking back, I know that we made the right decision to have her. If I had waited maybe I would still be trying to make up my mind today and I would have missed out on her special way which is helping to ease the pain...”

“At time of writing, Simon is 20 weeks old and thriving... Our confidence and pleasure in our baby are growing, despite all the usual strains of living with a young baby and the added worry that death may strike again. There have been some difficulties and inconveniences but we have never regretted our decision to bring our beautiful baby into the world.”
Some people will decide that, for them, the right decision is not to have another baby. It may be that anxiety is overwhelming, that there are physical barriers to another pregnancy, that family relationships have changed, or simply that it is not right at this time.

There may be thoughtless comments and pressure from friends and family to have another baby and the decision not to do so takes courage and should be respected.

“We are so thankful for the four very short months we had with her and the wonderful memories, but our lives have changed now and our decision [not to have another child] reflects our feelings from this change.”

“Time does heal even if you don’t have another child.”

“...We made the decision not to have a subsequent baby just now. The decision was a hard one to make.”

“I felt that another child could not close the black hole in my heart.”
Postponing the decision

If the decision is too difficult to make, or if you and your partner are not in agreement, you may feel that it is better to postpone making the decision. For a whole range of reasons, it may be that this is not the right time for you to have another baby: you may feel your life is too unsettled or you may have too many other demands.

“The choice wasn’t there as an option - whether I would or wouldn’t. As a single mum, I felt I couldn’t.”
When the choice is taken away

It may be that you have no choice about whether to have another child because of genetic concerns, irreparable injury to the mother at the birth, a vasectomy, or some other cause. This loss of choice can cause additional grief, and you may find it helpful to speak with someone else who has had a similar experience and/or to a counsellor.

“I wanted an acknowledgement that sometimes the decision may be taken out of your hands. You may decide not to have another child, but I haven’t decided that at all. The decision has been taken away from me…it is the loss of power and choice that is difficult to deal with.”

“From six pregnancies I only have one living child. After the death of my last child, Zoe, I lost all confidence in my own physical and emotional resources to have another child. Doctors could not explain why my generally strong, fit body could not prevent early deliveries. My marriage was struggling and I had little faith in my husband ‘being there’ for me during another pregnancy. It wasn’t fair on my daughter to go through it again. Very very gradually I learned to accept that she would be my only child and that I should try to heal myself through meaningful work and purpose, in helping others.”
You may already be pregnant

You may be pregnant when your baby dies or you may find yourself pregnant earlier than planned. Probably you will feel confused and anxious, perhaps thinking “we are not ready for this... we are mourning our dead baby”. At the same time you may be scared, anxious, hesitant, ambivalent and also possibly excited about this new baby.

“I was glad that we were already pregnant when Courtney died, as I didn’t know if I could make the decision to have another baby. But with time it helped and we had two more babies after Courtney died.”

“Although I conceived only two months after Sam died, I didn’t feel ready. But I felt that time would heal and hoped I would be ready when the baby was born.”

“I felt that I needed to regain some hope for my shattered family but I was staggered to think I could fall pregnant 6 weeks after our son’s death. I drove home from the doctor’s crying ‘I’m so sorry Simon’. I was always worried people would think I’d got over losing Simon - I most certainly hadn’t.”

“I was already pregnant when Jade died. I don’t remember many good times during the pregnancy - we were so afraid. But looking back, I wouldn’t change it. Corey helped us to survive.”

“Just 10 months after the death of Chloe I’ve found out I’m pregnant again. I have only known for three weeks, but have thought about not going through with it so many times. But I have decided I will.”
Adopting a child
Each State has different laws for adoption and permanent care. Unless you are infertile and under 35 years, it is most unlikely that you will be able to adopt a healthy baby. However, there are many other children, older than 4 years, or with special needs, needing families. In addition, inter-country adoption may be a possibility for you.

While it is important for any subsequent child to be wanted for his/her own sake (rather than as a replacement), this is absolutely crucial for an adopted child, who will have had his or own experience of loss, of birth, family and identity.

“I often wondered if I would have had as much trouble bonding with my own biological child – was it the fear of this child dying too? In time I came to realise that it was my coping mechanism and that I probably distanced myself from all my children a little at that time.”
Older parents

It may be that you had not considered having another child until the death of your child, that your family was complete. The consideration of whether to have another child may mean an upheaval of all your plans and you may feel pressure to make a decision quickly if you are nearing the end of childbearing years. You may be worried that you will not be able to conceive again, or that you are taking a risk in doing so. It may be wise to consult your doctor if you are concerned.

Special issues for fathers
Sometimes mothers are anxious to have another child more quickly than fathers. If you are not in agreement, it will be important to discuss your thoughts and feelings openly and honestly in order to work towards agreement, as you will need each other’s support if you decide to have another child. For both men and women, there will be an increased sense of risk and an awareness that something could go wrong with this pregnancy.

Men may express their grief differently to women. Some women comment that their partners do not express their grief as openly as they do, and family and friends tend to offer more support to mothers than fathers, since outwardly they seem to be fine. They may escape from reality at work, but their grief is just as real and deep. After the death of a child, fathers may feel a sense of guilt or failure in their role of ‘family protector’, and regret wasted opportunities:

“If I had known that we had so little time with him [Ben], I would never have gone back to work.”

“We got pregnant the month after Ben died. We didn’t know what to feel – excited, guilty, scared…I miscarried at ten weeks and felt totally vulnerable, totally fragile. I felt that the universe was out to get me and my family. I decided at that point that I didn’t want another child – the pain was just too great! It was Michael who said ‘Everything really good in life involves some level of risk. Are you prepared to take a risk to achieve an amazing end?’…Along came Gemma nine months later. She was and is our gift from God. She restored our faith in the world. She helped to teach us to laugh again. She gave Michael the opportunity to enjoy every aspect of her. She gave him an outlet to express all that he would have liked to have given to Ben. She helped to fill a very big void in the core of his being. His face lights up when she comes into the room.”

“After five miscarriages, I didn’t realize how much it had affected my husband until our baby was born alive. Now my husband doesn’t want to try any more and I have to respect his position.”

Special issues for siblings
Your other children

Your other children will be very deeply affected by the death of their brother or sister and will be grieving in their own way. It is natural that they will also have thoughts and fears about another pregnancy and it is likely that they will ask you direct questions about whether this next child will die too. Their thoughts and fears should be respected and acknowledged openly and honestly. In fact, you should expect that siblings will have questions for years to come, as they grow older and as their understanding grows and develops.

Some parents have suggested that after the birth of a new baby, it is important to consciously make a point of including your existing children, giving them time and attention. It is easy to be so preoccupied with a new baby that existing children may feel excluded.

“When I listen to other people’s children who have had a child die it seems that they have a much bigger understanding that babies and children can die. Children in the general community wouldn’t even consider asking about it, but they seem to take it in their stride, accepting that this is a possibility.”

“To this day, not a day goes by (3 years later) that my older children (now 11 and 9) do not make some reference to Ben in some shape or form… I did consult my other children when we were deciding whether to have another baby. I had to think what impact this would have on them, because they are very vulnerable people…even though they understand a great deal more than other children.”

“When our next child was born our 13 year old laughed! I realised that I hadn’t heard him laugh for 2 years [since Philip’s death].”
Children’s fears:

5 year old Darcy: “Mum, if this baby doesn’t die while you are giving birth, and if this baby doesn’t die later, we will be really lucky, won’t we?”

3 year old Amelia: “I really miss Lily. This next baby is a girl!”

7 year old Nathan who wanted his Dad to acknowledge his fears: “Dad, if this baby dies too, are we going to put up a photo of this one too?” Father replied: “No this baby’s not going to die.” Nathan: “Dad, you’re not listening.”

An issue that concerns many parents is how subsequent children can feel a connection with a brother or sister who died before they were born. Things such as photos, belongings, and videos make good opportunities for discussions and memories to be created. Some parents have written stories for their subsequent children that make a link between them and their brother or sister who has died.

The pregnancy
It is possible that you will have fears and anxieties at times throughout the pregnancy. At times you may feel you are going crazy. You may be afraid of having the same problem again, or you may now have a heightened awareness of a whole range of other possibilities: miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, an accident or sudden illness. And you may be afraid of being happy, or of not being able to love this next baby.

This is quite normal as you have already experienced an overwhelming sorrow, so your sense of security and confidence may well be undermined. For parents whose first child has died, you may question your ability as parents. You will need support and encouragement to develop your confidence again. It may be helpful to discuss your fears and anxieties with your doctor or midwife, and possibly also with your child health nurse.

Sometimes anxiety can be reduced by changing hospitals, doctors and child care practices, or by having scans and tests that might alert you to possible problems during pregnancy. You could discuss these with your doctor. You may also find it helpful to create a special project for the new baby – paint a mural on the nursery wall, redecorate the cot, change rooms, or other ideas.

Planning a due date

Some parents find it best to try to avoid a subsequent baby being born on or near their dead child’s birthday or the anniversary of his/her death.

“I refused to try in the December...because I didn’t want another child born in
September. (Phillip’s birthday was the 24th.) After that, we tried in earnest.”

“We set ourselves a time limit.We would continue using contraception until early December to avoid having a child born around Eliot’s birthday or the anniversary of his death and to try and avoid having a winter baby.We agreed to stop trying in two years time if we had no success because my age would increase pregnancy risks.”

The sex of the baby

“I was obsessed with having another boy. I had even said to people that if the baby was a girl I didn’t know if I would be able to love it. They were horrified that I could even think that way but that was how I felt....I was so glad and relieved when it was a boy.”

“Another girl! We were absolutely ecstatic...both of us deep down wanted another girl.”

“When I was about 18 weeks I went for my scan...I asked what sex the baby would be. The radiologist said ‘Do you really want to know?’ Because of my hesitation she refused to tell me. I went away and cried over a cup of coffee and then decided I did really want to know. The radiologist told me I was to have a girl. Again the tears flowed before I could even thank her, but in hindsight, at least by the time Emily was born I had adjusted to the fact that I
was not to have a son.”

“In the midst of our pleasure we only sometimes felt disappointment that our hopes for a girl were not fulfilled.”

“When the results of an amniocentesis came, nothing abnormal was detected and it was a girl! I was ecstatic but Ross was devastated – his dreams of playing cricket with two sons were shattered. It was not until that point that I realised that Ross and I had different needs from this pregnancy.”

“I was devastated to learn I was to have another boy, as I thought that it would happen again to my new son but it hasn’t and I’m happy with my little man.”

Pregnancy after a stillbirth or neo-natal death

Many parents have intense thoughts and feelings during their pregnancy following a stillbirth or neo-natal death. If your baby died before or soon after birth you will probably have few memories of your child and you will begrieving for all the hopes, dreams and expectations that you have lost with the death of your child. It is likely that your anxiety may be heightened during the next pregnancy especially as your baby reaches the gestational milestones of the baby who died. You will have a greater awareness of some of the things that could possibly go wrong. You may feel acutely aware that, although this is not your first child, you may not have the experience of parenting a live child.

It is particularly important that you have trust in the health professionals caring for you since the memories of the care you received after the death of your baby will be vivid. Try to ensure that you find good support and someone to share your thoughts and feelings with.

“I was desperate to get pregnant and when it happened I thought, ‘Now I’ve got this rollercoaster ride again’…It’s a terrifying experience to find out you are pregnant after you've had a baby die.”

“I thought, ‘It’s not going to happen, this baby will die soon.’”

“Every time I went to the obstetrician I insisted on an ultrasound to check the baby’s heartbeat. I was convinced the baby was dead. On the other hand, I couldn’t look at the screen to see the heartbeat… When I was in labour, I said to myself, ‘Calm down, don’t get excited. It’s going to be dead!’”

“Through your grief you learn how to parent a baby who has died and you don’t know how to parent a live baby. I became twice as paranoid: I didn’t know what to do.”

“Passing the anniversary of the gestational age that my baby died didn’t make it easier. I felt more insecure. I never really felt safe. Perhaps it’s a bit like passing the first year anniversary – you don’t always feel better.”

“I grabbed my obstetrician and said to him, ‘Don’t you let my baby die.’”

“I appreciated the honesty of my doctor when he told me that he couldn’t guarantee outcomes.”

“The way staff manage the subsequent pregnancy is very important. I told [my story to] everyone in the hospital and I felt they ignored me a bit because it was too hard.”

SOME ANSWERS

2011-04-30T03:51:01Z

SOME ANSWERS

What is SIDS?
What causes SIDS?
Why do the police call?
Was the death anyone's fault?
About grief
What about other children?
Having another baby

What is SIDS?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), preivously known as ‘Cot Death’, was originally defined in 1969. It is the name given to the sudden death of an infant or child which is unexpected by history and in which a thorough post mortem examination fails to demonstrate an adequate cause of death. This is another way of saying it is not known why these babies die. In Australia SIDS accounts for the deaths of more babies between the ages of one month and one year than any known cause. This is because the treatment and prevention of other potentially fatal childhood diseases have become more successful.

The average incidence of SIDS in Australia, as in many other western countries, is now about one in two thousand live births – around 120 babies each year. This is a major improvement since 1990 when one in five hundred babies died of SIDS. Recent research has shown that the risk of SIDS has been at least halved in many countries by changing some child care practices. For example: it is now known that tummy sleeping is a risk factor, although it is not possible to identify which babies are at risk, and SIDS still occurs even when all the known risk factors have been reduced.

Although SIDS is most common between the ages of two and four months, it can happen to younger and older infants. SIDS occurs in both breast-fed and bottle-fed babies, and of those who die, approximately 60 per cent are boys and 40 per cent are girls. Infants have died from SIDS at all times of the day and night, in cots, prams, car seats, bassinets, even in parents’ arms.

What causes SIDS?

By definition, the causes of SIDS are not known. Attempts to explain the sudden and unexpected death of an infant adequately have been difficult since earliest times. Initially, if a baby died suddenly and unexpectedly in a bed shared with adults, it was thought to be due to an adult rolling on to the infant during sleep. This was called ‘over-laying’. Later, it was suggested that babies may have choked on something or that death was caused by parental neglect.

It is clear now that in most cases, none of these explanations were correct – that they were, in all probability, the victims of what is now known as SIDS. No consistent warning signs occur that might alert us to the risk of SIDS. Sometimes the infant was not feeding quite so well on the day he or she died, or there may have been symptoms of a slight cold or tummy upset. It seems that while minor infections of some sort or another are almost always found in SIDS babies, on careful post-mortem examination these infections are mild and seem in themselves to be an inadequate cause of sudden death.While we do not yet know the causes and mechanism of death, we do know that SIDS is not contagious.

If the baby was found face down or with bedclothes over the face, it might be thought that smothering was the cause of death. Sometimes babies are covered by bedclothes, but others are found uncovered and free of bedclothes entirely.While it is possible for an infant to smother accidentally, this is rare. Not uncommonly the child is lying undisturbed, as when last put to bed, without any possible interference to breathing.

In some cases blood-tinged froth is found around the mouth or on the bedding. This fluid comes from the lungs, which are always very congested in a child dying of SIDS. Sometimes vomiting has occurred, but when the postmortem examination is carried out, there is little or no inhaled food in the windpipe. These are normal occurrences during or soon after death, and do not cause the death.

Most SIDS deaths appear to happen quietly in sleep.Many of the infants are found in exactly the same position as they were when put to bed. Others may have moved but there is no indication that they go through any prolonged period of pain or distress. Facial or body discolouration may occur but this is caused by the position after death and will normally fade in a day or so.

Why do the police call?

When anyone dies suddenly or unexpectedly, the law requires that the police attend and report to a coroner. The coroner has to establish the cause of death and to do this he or she must find out the circumstances surrounding death so as to distinguish between natural and unnatural deaths.

It is the coroner’s duty to investigate all sudden deaths to be sure that death is due to natural causes, as is the case with SIDS. Understandably, these things are very distressing at the time. However, the fact that a post mortem examination has been done and the coroner has looked into each death is a safeguard against any possible doubt or criticism of the parents, the family, or whoever was looking after the child at the time
of death.

Was the death anyone's fault?

If someone dies from a known disease, the reason is obvious and publicly recognised.When an apparently healthy infant or child dies, with no obvious explanation, it creates special problems because the death cannot be understood or explained.

The fact that a baby is completely dependent upon those who care for him or her, means that parents, or whoever was responsible at the time of death, frequently feel guilty. They may try and think of something they did, or did not do, that caused the baby to die. This searching for a reason is normal, but there is as yet no way to recognise any signs that could indicate that a child is likely to die of SIDS.

When someone other than the parents, such as a grandparent, baby sitter, or Day Care Centre, is caring for the child, parents may blame them, or even themselves for leaving the infant in someone else’s care. Sometimes the family doctor or child health nurse, who may have pronounced the baby healthy shortly before, is blamed. Nearly every caregiver suffers feelings of guilt, which are very real and painful. Although this is a natural reaction, any such guilt is unfounded.

It is important to understand that no blame can or should be attached to anyone and to remember that, at this time, SIDS cannot be predicted and that the causes of SIDS are not yet known.

About grief

Your immediate reactions to your baby’s death may be shock, denial, disbelief, or a sense of numbness or unreality. These feelings are completely normal and may cushion the impact of the loss until you are able to face the devastating reality of your baby’s death.

Grief is not simply sadness, nor is it expressed only by crying. You, and other family members, will feel many strong emotions in the following days, weeks and months. It is not unusual to feel some of these emotions from time to time, for years to come.

Grief is not something which can be measured. It is very unlikely that any one person will feel exactly the same range of emotional responses as anybody else.Mothers and fathers may not experience the same feelings at the same time. This can make sharing one’s feelings especially hard, and lead to a sense of great isolation, causing even more difficulties for each grieving person. It is most important to recognise that grief must be allowed to be expressed. It is also important for the grieving person, and those around her or him, to understand that expressing feelings, even those that seem strange or shocking, is normal and healthy behaviour.

Some of the more usual emotions felt include guilt, anger, fear, blame and despair. Prolonged feelings of guilt can be destructive. Because the causes of SIDS are unknown, you may seek your own explanations for the tragedy and may blame yourself. (It is important that everyone is reassured that SIDS is nobody’s fault.)

Some people will need to talk, to go over and over the events; others may withdraw into themselves and seem unreachable. Fathers, in particular, may find that in their role their grief may not be acknowledged to the same extent as mothers. Loss of concentration, sleeplessness, lack of appetite, even symptoms of physical illness can be experienced. It is common to find there are things or events that can trigger painful memories. Anniversaries, birthdays, family celebrations, a photo, a baby or child of the same age are some of them. It is important to know and realise that these are normal reactions, and that other grieving parents share this sensitivity.

Although grief is a normal process, and not an illness, often it is helpful for those who are grieving to share what they are feeling with someone outside the family such as a counsellor or another SIDS parent from your SIDS and Kids organisation, doctors, social workers, counsellors, nurses or religious advisers.Many parents and grandparents find it comforting and helpful to talk with someone who has shared a similar experience. Talking to another parent or grandparent can often diminish the sense of isolation.

If you are a single parent you may face extra difficulties after the death of your baby. If you have no regular partner with whom to share your grief, you might experience an overwhelming sense of isolation, loneliness and despair. Again, it can be helpful to talk to someone about your feelings.

What about other children?

Children are always affected by a death in the family. However, because they cannot understand or talk about death in the same way as an adult, they may sometimes appear to deny it or seem unconcerned. They may misbehave, have nightmares, revert to bedwetting or other habits, which they have previously outgrown. They may become ‘clinging’, withdrawn or even laugh without cause.

The youngest ones cannot tell of their fears, and may not understand explanations easily. But whatever their age, it is important they be told the truth as simply as possible. If they are told that the baby “went to sleep”, or “went away/to hospital/to visit someone”, they can become frightened of going to sleep or going on trips. Straightforward, truthful explanations are best such as, “The baby died from something called SIDS.We do not know what causes it but it will not happen to you or to Mummy or Daddy”.

Children need constant reassurance of their parents’ love and affection. However, this can be extremely difficult for parents, especially in the days immediately following the death. Some parents may have difficulty providing such reassurance while their own grief is acute.

It is important to include children in the events surrounding their sister/brother’s death. For example, they can be asked if they would like to see the baby, go to the funeral, do a drawing or write a story.

Children need reassurance that neither they nor anyone else was responsible for the death and that they will not die in the same way. Later, as children grow and their understanding develops, they will have further questions and may want to talk about why the baby died.

All children benefit from being allowed to express their feelings. Older children may need encouragement to discuss their worries openly. School age children can benefit from being asked how they would like their school friends to be told. For example, children may want to tell their friends themselves, or they may prefer a teacher to do it for them. This allows them to be part of the decision making too. Some SIDS and Kids organisations have special creative activities and groups for children.

Having another baby

It is very common to raise the issue of having another baby immediately. Some parents feel that it is the best thing for them to do, others feel they can’t face the prospect. It can be a difficult decision to make, because while there is often a longing to fill the emptiness and loneliness, there can be anxiety and panic that the same thing may happen again.

In making the decision, you need to be aware that:

There is a better than 99% chance that another baby will not die of SIDS. It is highly unlikely it will happen again.
No baby can replace another. Each child is an individual with his or her own personality and characteristics.
If the next baby is born close to the first anniversary of the baby’s death or birthday, conflicting emotions such as celebration and sorrow may be confusing and difficult.
The decision as to whether, or when, to have another baby should be made when you feel ready. This may be immediately or it may be later.

More information on this can be found at the Another Baby? post.

UPDATE POST

2011-04-30T02:31:37Z

Hello, everyone, littleriri1148 here. I just wanted to spread the good news. I had recently contacted bluemeringue , the editor of livejournal for assistance on prompting this community. I got a reply from her today and this is what they are helping us with:

We will highlighted the next livejournal newsletter.
and.....
They will be donating two annual paid accounts to be auctioned off.

I gave the news to Muse this morning and she was excited. Now I'm spreading the word to you.

SAFE WRAPPING

2011-04-29T23:08:39Z

Some parents choose to wrap their babies to put them to sleep as wrapping can help babies to develop a more settled sleep pattern. Other parents, however, find that wrapping is not helpful. Whether you choose to wrap or not is your choice.

There are several benefits to wrapping your baby including:

It can help small babies to develop a more settled sleep pattern.
Older unsettled babies may sleep better if wrapped firmly.
Babies whose sleep is disturbed by colic or reflux can be more settled when wrapped.
Wrapping helps to prevent random arm movements which can disturb their sleep.
Babies with stiff or floppy limbs may benefit from being wrapped (talk to your local child health nurse or physiotherapist).

For wrapping to be effective it needs to be firm but not tight. Babies generally prefer wrapping as it restricts movement and the lack of movement is similar to the womb but if the wrap is too tight, it will most likey just scare your baby and can restrict blood flow. The recommended fabrics for wraps are muslin or light cotton sheets/wraps. Bigger, more active babies may need a cotton sheet.

Bunny rugs and blankets are not as safe for use as wraps as they may cause over-heating. You must ensure the wrap does not cover your baby’s face and make sure they are not overdressed underneath the wrap. Stick to light layers eg/ a singlet and nappy in warm weather or a light grow suit in cooler weather.

COT PROTECTION

2011-04-01T09:29:41Z

As your baby will probably spend a great deal of time in his/her cot, there are a few things you can do to make their sleeping environment safer and help prevent SIDS/SUDI.

Mattress Wrapping
Bumpers and Pillows
Positional Aids/Anti-Rolling Aids

Mattress Wrapping

It was once suggested that wrapping a mattress was an excellent way to prevent SIDS. The theory was that mattresses emitted toxic gases, unknowingly to parents, and these were potent enough to affect a baby. Since then, scientific research has been carried out worldwide to either prove or disprove this theory and the overwhelming results have shown that there is, indeed, no evidence to support a connection between wrapping mattresses and the prevention of SIDS.

Bumpers and Pillows

Cot bumpers and pillows can be extremely stylish and cute as well as being surprisingly common. However, it is advised that parents not use these in their baby's cot. Equipment such as these, as well as loose blankets and toys, can become tangled up in the cot and around your baby, reducing the flow of oxygen. Some theories suggest that the constant rebreathing of carbon dioxide in babies is a factor in the incidence of SIDS/SUDI.

Positional Aids/Anti-Rolling Aids

When a baby begins rolling, some parents may decide to buy a positional aid such as an anti-roll pillow to help keep their baby on its back. However, these aids are not recommended as incorrect use can lead to death in infants. Babies can roll in an incorrectly set-up positional aid and be caught in a position which prevents a proper intake of air. If they are not strong enough to pull themselves out of this, or unable to turn their heads, it can be potentially fatal.

DUMMIES/PACIFIERS

2011-04-01T08:42:14Z

The use of dummies/pacifiers in infants is still a controversial subject and one that has been the focus of many studies. A 2005 meta-analysis by the American Academy of Pediatrics shows that most studies prefer the use of dummies as it lowers the risk of/has a protective effect against SIDS, although this is unclear as to why.

Some studies have shown up to a 90% decrease in the risk of SIDS and have suggested that this has to do with the raised face of the baby against the mattress, reducing the risk of suffocation. Australian research has suggested that perhaps it is not just the raised face that helps prevents SIDS. Babies in the studies were found to have spent less time in the 'deep' sleep faze and more time in the 'active' stage, allowing for them to be more easily awakened during sleep if they pull a blanket over themselves or roll into a position which restricts airflow.

However, as studies have also shown that the use of dummies can interfere with breastfeeding and increase the likelihood of ear infections, it is advised that you weigh up the pros and cons before deciding on whether to give your baby a dummy/pacifier. There is no right or wrong at the present, just what is best for you and your baby.

CHECK LIST FOR SAFE SLEEPING

2011-04-01T08:01:10Z

One of the best ways to prevent SIDS/SUDI is to be aware of known contributing factors and make sure to avoid them. The following check list will help you create a suitable environment for your baby.

[Information obtained from Sids and Kids]

Check List For Safe Sleeping
Has baby been placed on the back to sleep?
Is baby sleeping in a safe bassinette or cot and away from hazards?
Does the cot meet your countries standards for cots?
Is the mattress firm?
Does the mattress fit the cot /bassinette well?
Is the mattress clean and in good condition and flat (not titled or elevated)?
Is baby’s face and head uncovered?
Have any pillows, duvets, lambs wool, cot bumpers and soft toys been removed?
If using a baby sleeping bag, does it have a fitted neck, armholes or sleeves and no hood?
If using blankets rather than a sleeping bag, has baby been placed to sleep with feet touching the bottom of the cot /bassinette with blankets securely tucked in?
Is baby having tummy time to play when awake and supervised?
If you are a smoker have you stopped smoking or contacted your doctor or quit line for help?
Remember never to sleep baby on a sofa, beanbag, waterbed or pillow.
Are other family members aware of how to sleep baby safely?