Category Australia

Jul 16 2012

Global Warming? How do you spell that again? C-L-I-M-A-T-E C-H-A…

 

This piece contains some coarse language.

For anyone living in Australia, you would now know one hundred per cent how it feels to be afflicted with the ‘carbon tax’ (queue the spooky music…du, du, du, du!). For any readers who are not Australian and just read my last sentence and thought ‘eh?’ do not be alarmed! Allow me to quickly explain what the carbon tax is…

The carbon tax is a form of tax orchestrated by the Australian Labor Party and the Greens which has been a work in progress for roughly the past couple years and has only now come to fruition. It is also a tax that was supposed to never occur, but funnily enough the politician who made such a bold statement seemed to forget she made that promise…immediately after becoming Prime Minister…

The Carbon Tax is generated to supposedly bring down carbon emissions of larger companies and to basically teach the wider Australian community that carbon ix bad, and less carbon is good. Items that contain no carbon, or do not harm the environment do not acquire the tax, which is supposed to cause the people of Australia to buy these products rather than those that contain carbon – and the tax that is now mandatory with it. However, just like girls and chocolate, we know carbon is bad for us – but in the end we just can’t seem to get enough of the products that contain it.

I do believe it was in 1997 that the Liberal Party were involved in instigating the GST (General Standard Tax, although I don’t think I needed to say what that acronym means…), which was applied to a large monopoly of items and to this very day still is. The Carbon Tax is much like this, and after been introduced last week, has already begun to plague the public, especially small business owners, who fear that they will be forced to pay more for their supplies, which includes anything from fresh food and groceries to household appliances.

Although don’t ask me how a banana or an apple or a bit of meat on a slab that up until five hours ago was going ‘mooo!’ is in any way capable of nefariously affecting our environment. Simply put – why is fruit been taxed? Why is meat been taxed? I know a cow when alive eats and farts grass all day – but an innocent piece of red meat? What did it ever do to hurt anyone – except for bleed in the car on the way home…hate when that happens!

However, the PM has issued money to all Australian residents to help pay for the newly initiated tax. The allotment supplied however depends on whether a person is single, whether they be a couple, or whether they be a family with kids. Basically, a person may receive anything between $70 to around $400 per month is it? I’m not really down with the figures, but this grant is supposed to assist with paying for the tax, which almost seems a little redundant if you ask me. I mean, why tax something, only to help people pay for it? Then again almost everything seems to be on the verge of being taxed. Should only be glad that the air we breathe and the carbon dioxide we breathe back out does not come with a charge. No, sorry I spoke too soon – I think that is been implemented next week.

Amazingly enough, last time I checked the mining industry was not been taxed, and at the very start one of the whole ideas – was to tax the mining industry!

Now, with this said, I think it’s obvious that I am not a fan of the ominous Carbon Tax and am therefore not gonna dance up and down the street supporting the damn thing. However, if I am to look at this tax without personal bias and loathing, I do believe there are some possible efficacious reasons behind its introduction, rather than simply malicious ones.

FOLLOW THE LEADER!
I do believe it was at this year’s climate change summit that PM Julia Gillard spoke to other countries about the growing need to save our planet from the villainous enemy that is carbon. Basically, she was laughed out of the show for suggesting such a thing. Why? Do not other countries want to save the world? Maybe…but why take advice about saving the world from a country that can’t be bothered saving it themselves?

If Australia begins a carbon tax and shows how it is reducing carbon emissions by limiting the spread of major companies and their use of such a source of power, then other countries may be inclined to follow suit. It’s all fun and easy for Australia to sit back and say to other countries the likes of America and Asia and Europe that they ought to consider taxing carbon emissions, but if Australia is not doing the same thing, then why listen. That’s like saying to a friend of yours ‘walk through that mine field to collect our tennis ball’, whilst at the same time you yourself are not going to accompany him in and risk being blown up just as he is. That’s the thing – this whole carbon tax could blow up in our faces.

I guess in this sense Australia is being the guinea pig. Probably a good idea. If Australia puts its money where its mouth is for once in its life and takes the first step in a mature direction, the other countries of the world may step up to the table and do the same thing.

Doing the right things costs nothing. Well, in this case it does, but it will be worth it in the end if everything is successful. Well, I hope so, otherwise not only will we be drowning in carbon emissions, bankruptcy, people and political bull – but we’ll be broke as well!

BUILDING AN AWARENESS AGAINST THE CHANGE IN CLIMATE
Who really cares about climate change? Who really cares about global warming? They are both one and the same, funnily enough. Except the latter sounds far nicer than the former.

Yes ladies and gentleman the elephant in the room has officially been spotted. No, no, not the same sex marriage elephant, that poor little guy was hunted down to extinction. That’s what happens when you have a government filled with homophobes. And not the elephant in regards to migration and asylum seekers – I do believe that one was been trafficked across the ocean when its ship capsised and drowned. No, I’m talking about the one in regards to carbon emissions!

By having a carbon tax, the Australian public get something from it – what? A bigger bill? Well, that too, but I am talking about the unavoidable discovery of climate change. It cannot be ignored again now that a tax has been promulgated and has been officially revealed to the Australian public, and carbon has been visualised as the horrific monster that it is. And even though at least half the country is talking about how much they hate the friggin’ tax, at least they are still talking about it, right? Right?

If Australia builds up an awareness of the carbon emission issue, then other countries will be able to see it for what it is; a worldwide pandemic that ultimately threatens to devastate our way of living if we do not do something about it immediately.

However, in all fairness our planet is already so far fucked not even Heaven herself could save us. But if we lucky and are still able to stop the hands of time from ticking, then we would have saved our future generations. The only problem is they’ll be broke cuz their families wasted all their money paying for the carbon tax…

HELPING TO SAVE THE WORLD
Inevitably, if the scientists and the PM are correct and the carbon tax is going to ultimately save our asses, then that in my view would be reason enough for the tax to be successful. If it works, and is proven to be effective in fighting the issues with our changing climate, then it will be of great interest for other countries to instigate. Upon a majority of countries in the world initiating such a (what could be sometimes visualised as) drastic movement against the changing climate, then we will effectively be getting somewhere with the preservation of our future.

The real change will begin when countries like China, who have a carbon foot print that makes Godzilla’s look immeasurably miniscule, begin to come to the table. Australia’ population is roughly 25 mil. America’s is a couple hundred mil, and China’s is well into the bil+. My point? 25 million people can’t honestly cause as much carbon damage as a country with a couple hundred million, and a country containing a couple hundred million people can’t do nearly as much damage as a country with a good billion people running around inside it.

So the PM may charge us for our carbon footprint, but even if we continue this for the next couple hundred years or more and Australia effectively reduces its emissions by 50%, 75% or hell, even 100%, it is going to do sweet not much at all if every other country just sits back and continues to use and abuse what they have. The world ain’t gonna be saved just because one country decided to tax carbon and reduce emissions. We are only doing this for our pathetically tiny part of the world. The other countries need to look out for their own, and if they don’t, then all our lives may well be lost.

Very recently South Korean scientists made the discovery that Minke Whales are yummy. Maybe tomorrow another South Korean scientist will come to the realisation that something needs to be done about the carbon emissions of the world. All it takes is another country to step up to the table and announce the same thing the Australian PM has for the statement to be better heard.

Now, I will admit, true, I have complained and have taken umbrage at this whole carbon tax fiasco, but the reason I am so concerned is simple. Australia is a small country and I become concerned when someone changes the biscuits that I have with my afternoon coffee. A change in the way I spend my dollars of course will be considerably more dramatic in my life. Also, I may believe that the world is drowning in its own carbon fumes, but that don’t mean I have to enjoy the idea of forking out an extra few dollars each and every day.

AN ANSWER TO THE ECONOMIC RECESSION?
Yes, why the hell not! Most of the world is drowning under the issue that is the economic recession, especially in Europe. Think about it…if European nations begin to tax people on carbon, that could be one way to boost the amount of money governments had.

I know when I first heard our PM talk about the carbon tax I initially thought it was just another money raking scheme that she had concocted out of thin air to gain a little extra cash on the side. Well, in my defense against such ignorance our PM does seem to give herself and her municipals a pay rise every second week, which mind you, comes out from the rate payer, which explains why our bills have miraculously increased by almost 25% over the past couple months alone…so why not ask the people of this country for a little more money in the disguise of a tax that addresses something that cannot be seen. That’s like making a tax against ghosts.

But like I have already said I actually believe that carbon is an issue that needs to be resolved, and maybe our PM legitimately cares and is the right lady for the job to lead our country into the future. Only time will tell.

What I can say however is that although our PM likes to swear up and down that our country has the best economic situation in the ENTIRE WORLD and believes this to be true to such an extent that she bragged about it at a summit not too long ago where the economic recession was the primary topic of discussion. I guess the PM simply forgot that little Queensland was attached to our little country. Well, it only takes up a good fifth of this country of ours, so it’s understandable that it is very easy to be dismissed. My point is that Queensland is 12 billion dollars in debt. Maybe that simply slipped the PM’s mind when she was discussing our great Australia’s debt situation was? Here, the carbon tax could be a good way to help soothe the situation, and I do believe that politicians in Queensland have suggested the exact same thing. But of course, those politicians, they will gain a little bit for themselves – let’s not lie. An extra buck in the pocket is always great.

So with that said, if the carbon tax cannot help our country’s be rid of any carbon issues – perhaps it could help with many of the economic ones that keep sprouting out from the ground like Lemmings.

CONCLUSION
Either way we are for the moment stuck with the carbon tax. Now, I am yet to consult my little crystal ball, so I do not foresee what will come of such a tax, but I can say that if it helps this little blue and green planet of ours from staying little, blue and green – why the hell not allow its longevity, along with our own in the process?

This is Naughty Nefarious, signing off

Jul 14 2012

What? Are you completely dog gone? You’re not going to kiss me with that mouth, are you?

 

THIS PIECE CONTAINS FREQUENT INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL REFERENCES AND SOME INFREQUENT MILD COARSE LANGUAGE. READERS UNDER THE AGE OF 14 SHOULD USE READER DISCRETION

Recently, Australia’s favorite journalist, Joe Hildebrand, developed an article discussing the sexuality of his pooch.

If you want to do pee pee in your pants, I suggest you read this:

http://blogs.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/joehildebrand/index.php/
dailytelegraph/comments/exclusive_dog_bites_man_becomes_a_news_
story/

Anyway, after reading the article, I really began to think about my own dog. I thought about it that night. I thought about it a bit the next day. And I thought about it today, and even now as I am writing this I am still thinking about it. True, my beloved dog, Sheena the Collie Bitch Goddess has not been with us for a great many years now, but her behaviour back in the day could very well have been reminiscent of her sexual nature.

This ignorant imbecile for one had never considered that any other animal besides a human being could indeed be homosexual. But hey, you learn something new each day!

According to the science, of which I know very little about, FYI, in every person’s brain is a specific section that is reserved for attraction and governs the laws of sexual lust and desire which causes men to like women, and vice versa. For homosexuals, this particular part of the brain is said to be operating differently. However, in my view it would be better to have a part of your brain operating differently than to have no brain at all, which unfortunately for me describes half the people I associate my life with.

Of course, if people can be gay, then why not other species too?

Of course, my discovery of this ain’t all that amazing. Bearing in mind this is coming from the guy who up until last year thought that to ‘poke’ someone meant you took your index and your middle finger and stuck them up a particular orifice of someone you adored. Who would have known it could ever be as boring as simply clicking a button on a social media page? I personally fear the day when other things, like sex, are relegated to such a thing in the terrifyingly possible future, where you visit someone’s site and click the ‘have intercourse’ button, before choosing whether it be verbal, physical or a good ol’ roll in the hay.

Moving on however, the thing is that dogs are quite unlike people. People need to see someone to get aroused. Dogs can simply sniff ‘em out. Now yes, we did eventually remove Sheena of her womanhood to keep from having any little Sheena’s running around in the near future, but that still does not put an end to a dog’s primordial instinct which is to sniff its way through life, something that all dogs have been doing since Christ was a boy.

One thing I have never quite managed to get a handle on is a dog’s introduction to another dog. I mean, what kind of message are dog’s receiving when they shove their nose up another dog’s rectal crack? I doubt they’re gonna take a whiff and go ‘mmm, smells like my favorite perfume – vanilla extract! Have you been eatin’ the ice cream again?’

I can only be so glad that a long time ago a human decided that a hand shake would be a more appropriate introductive method for the human race, else during job interviews I’d have to walk behind my future boss’s desk, get down low and sniff away at the rear end of their trousers. Might not be so bad actually if my boss was a saucy minx of a woman with the body of an hour glass and a shit load of tattoos – I mean, I would probably be fantasising about being in that very position – and several others mind you over the course of my contract with the company.

Besides, I think we already have enough figurative arse licking (especially in regards to politicians), arse sucking (especially in regards to politicians), arse kissing (especially in regards to politicians) and arse sniffing (especially in regards to politicians) in this society of ours without adding any more to it. I mean, if everyone else begins to do so, I can assure you that one, all of those politicians who lick, suck, kiss and sniff their way through politics won’t look so antagonistic, and two, that whole 60s idea of no sex until at least the second date will completely go right out the window, for if you have already shoved your face right up someone’s crack at the beginning of the first date, imagine what you would have done by the end? You would have basically experienced the beginning, middle and end of the relationship all in one evening!

However, Sheena’s behaviour with the guys, before and after her ability to reproduce was systematically removed, was never exactly what one could consider ‘normal’. Whenever a male dog would come within her proximity, she would roll over onto her back and stick her legs into the air. She would keep this pose for as long as the male dog was around, and she would do her absolute best not to move a single muscle. The posture she was able to keep would make those models who go nude in those art classes look bad. 

Yes, she would play dead.

Of course, I don’t think Sheena was smart enough to realise that her death would probably look a little different than that. I know when I die I won’t be on by back with my legs and arms in the air. Unless I was performing some seriously naughty, sexually explicit ‘X’ rated promiscuously raunchy fantasy and happened to be tied up at the time whilst been spanked by the hands of little Australian hookers. 

The male dogs would take one look at her when she struck this pose, tilt their head to the side and make the ‘mmm?’ dog noise, whilst looking utterly perplexed at the sight before them. You know the look I mean, when a person looks as though there is nothing happening behind the eyes? Whilst I write this I am sitting beneath a tree, enjoying the city air as a chubby bloke walks by who seems to have the exact same expression I’m talking about permanently etched upon his face. I can assure you, if a single thought went through his mind it would go by so fast it would not only be the fastest thing in all of Melbourne, it would make light speed look like slow motion.

However, Sheena’s behaviour was quite the opposite whenever a female dog happened to walk by. Then, she would hurry over with impeccable speed and shove her face into the smelly snatch of her fellow canine and have herself some analingus, cunnilingus, and any other kind of ‘ingus one could possibly imagine.

I can’t imagine what kind of conversation they might have had. May have gone something like this actually…

Sheena: (eyes female dog walking by with owner) (thinks) ‘Wow, that husky is a fox!’ (runs over and sniffs husky’s buttocks)

Sheena: ‘Su’p dawg?’

Siberian husky: ‘Nothing much. What’s your name?’

Sheena: ‘I’m Sheena the Collie Bi-arch’

Siberian husky: ‘I’m Leila, the Siberian husky’

Sheena: ‘Wow, who could have known, two purebreds like us meeting. It must have been fated to happen. Tell me, what is a dog like you doing in a place like this?’

Siberian husky: ‘I’m going walkies!’

Sheena: ‘Really?’

Siberian husky: ‘Really, really! My owner takes me out so I can piss and shit all over the neighbor’s yards. Friggin’ beautiful!’

Sheena: ‘Yeah?’

Siberian husky: ‘Yeah, plus, my owner is sick and tired of me wiping my smelly arse along the carpet from one end of the house to the other. I tried to tell her, ‘if you let me have some of that pink toilet paper you wipe your arse with bitch then this shit wouldn’t happen!’ but as always, she didn’t listen.’

Sheena: ‘I know the feeling. Tell me, who’s the stiff?’

‘Siberian husky: ‘That’s my owner silly.’

Sheena: ‘Would she mind if you and I skipped this place and made out?’

Siberian husky: ‘She sure might.’

Sheena: ‘Well, what if I asked you to come inside and have a bite of my sweet, moist bone?’

Siberian husky: ‘Oh, I would love to bite down on your bone! However, my owner might have a problem with that. And if it was more than just eating the bone that you wanted to me do, I may have a problem with that too! You see, I’m real religious – I don’t believe in having rudey nudey’s until after marriage.’

Sheena: ‘Damn girl, what is with you?’

Siberian husky: ‘I know right! So if you wanted to get down on me, right here, right now, you are barking up the wrong tree sweetie.’

Sheena: ‘Yeah, and to think, I was captivated by your beauty and your grace from the moment you walked by, and from the moment you started to talk, you had me eating out of your paw.’

Of course, been unaffiliated with the language of canine, the husky’s owner and I would only have heard:

Sheena: ‘sniff, sniff’

Siberian husky: ‘woof, woof, woof, woof’

Sheena: ‘woof, woof, bark, woof’

Siberian husky: ‘woof, woof, woof, arf!’

Sheena: ‘Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, bark, woof, woof, woof, awwwwoooll!’

Siberian husky: ‘Woof, woof’

Sheena: ‘Bark’

Siberian husky: ‘Bark, bark, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof’

Sheena: ‘Woof, woof, woof, arf’

Siberian husky: ‘Woof, bark, bark’

Sheena: ‘Woof’

Siberian husky: ‘woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, arf, bark, woof, woof, woof, bark, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, arf, arf, woof, woof, woof, woof, arf, arf, woof, woof, woof, woof’

Sheena: ‘Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof’

Siberian husky: ‘Woof, woof, bark, bark, woof, bark, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, arf, woof, woof’

Sheena: ‘Woo, woof, arf’

Siberian husky: ‘woof, woof’

Sheena: ‘Arf, arf, bark, bark, bark, woof’

Siberian husky: ‘woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, woof, woof, woof, woof, arf, arf, bark, woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, awwwwwoolll! Awwwwoolll! Woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, woof’

Sheena: ‘woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, bark, arf, arf, woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, woof’

However, I’m not attempting to emphasise that Sheena was in any way a sex crazed lesbian love fiend, nor am I attempting to postulate the generalisation that she was a filthy animal. No, my Sheena, she was all class ladies and gentleman. For one, she would poop wherever she wanted. Often it was easy to find, I mean, little brown rocks often stand out on green grass. Especially if the little brown rocks weren’t all that little. It was the sneaky ones she would do around the side of the house that you had to look out for.

Secondly, sometimes when she would take a dump, she would take one look at her excreted bodily products and think to herself ‘you know that looks really quite delectable’ and have a good ol’ munch on it. It was especially nice when she would come running up to you later and lick your face with her shit stained teeth.

Thirdly, the girl could really pack it away! I never knew a woman of any species could eat so damn much. Maybe that’s why she ate her shit sometimes – she felt food deprived. She at times ate her own vomit too. Sometimes she would then vomit it back up and eat it all over again. Good times.

Fourthly, she had the intellect of a dodge ball.

Fifthly, like all girls, she loved to have fun!

In conclusion though, I am uncertain that I will ever be able to successfully fathom the sexual orientation of my pooch. Even if she were still alive, it is not as though I could ask her. But even if she had been a lesbian, I would have loved the smelly, hairy, disgusting, beautiful, gorgeous, loveable animal that she was. I miss you Sheena the Collie Bitch Goddess, and wherever you may be; Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, floating in a void of nothingness or just gone completely, just know, I still love you.

Dedicated to the memory of Sheena: 1985-1998

 

Thank you for reading

 

This is Naughty Nefarious, signing off once more

Jul 5 2012

Broken, Done or Dying? Actually, just Dead!

 

Contains sexual references and coarse language.

Weird title? Not really – it basically describes how I will inevitably feel if everything goes belly up in regards to the current girl of my dreams; Elisha. Yes, back on this topic, and I decided I would dedicate an entire post to this subject matter, so if you do not want to be bored to tears by the soporific ideas of some love depraved love struck anti-hero – I suggest you flee immediately!

Now, some themes and ideas I have brought up in previous posts may come up during this topic, but that is just because they are directly tied in with this subject matter.

Now, I have mentioned before and I will say it again; I suck at deciphering the codes that women use. I have found that women emphasise less with vocabulary, and more with physicality; basically, they say more with their faces than with their mouths. I however could not interpret an ‘I love you’ from a ‘go screw yourself’. Hence I don’t ever act on anything in that regard. A woman could give me the ‘I fancy you’ look, and I would be able to interpret that as easily as I could fly to the moon using nothing more than a jet propelled pack constructed from tissue paper. A woman could give me the ‘I think you’re a douche’ look, and I would probably interpret that to mean the exact opposite, but still not act on my ideas from fear that I am wrong. Yes, fear, it can be a very powerful ally. It is also the one bitch that prevents you from getting anywhere in this world.

What I personally would like, is for women to go up to guys and say what is on their mind, rather than giving them a look from a distance. I can’t translate what intense and frequent gander’s means, or what raised eyebrows or smiles are meant to signify, or what bared teeth and a tongue sticking out is supposed to represent. What is so difficult with just walking up to a bloke and saying what is going through their mind? I of course mean all this in regards to relationships. I don’t mean, go up to a guy if you’re thirsty and say ‘I like diet soft drink and I’m gonna go get me self some’. No, I mean go up to a bloke and say ‘hey, I think you’re as hot as magma’ rather than staring at a guy from across the room.

I read once on the Facebook page of a Miami psychologist that apparently 92% of all men would rather women make the first move in instigating a relationship. 92%? That is a big friggin’ percentage! With my views, I probably make up 65% of that entire statistic.

That would be the benefit of women making the first move – there would be no more looks. They would do the talking rather than ogling blokes from a distance, and I would be in a finer position for it. I would for one, not be in the fine mess I am now, for if Elisha liked me – she would have said something. Or has she? That is the problem, for when women are not looking at blokes, they are insinuating ideals in their dialogue and behaviour. God, if women wrote a dictionary on their codes and their looks and such, I would be so much happier for it. Then I could look in the little book (it would probably be a huge friggin’ book) when a woman pokes her tongue out at me and say ‘oh, that means she either wants to lick me genitals – or she hates my rotten guts. Oh, she’s winking at me, and giving me the finger- yeah, she totally hates me.’

On top of interpretation of codes and hidden messages and the like is, of course, the competition. The problem is that men pursue women, not the other way around, which would be another benefit of women making the first move. So all women have to do is sit back and watch the potential lovers come up to ‘em. Men need to actually be the potential lovers, which is somewhat more complex. I believe that women often do not notice many blokes until they make contact and ask them out. Until that moment, a woman may know a bloke exists, but will see him in a neutral fashion because women are better at being friends with blokes than blokes are at being friends with women.

At high school, the only real competition are other high school students, and it is very easy to prove yourself better than the rest. Actually, it’s not, but if you can’t win on that battlefield, then you are gonna die alone, afraid, and a virgin when the real fighting starts. How come? Out in the real world, and by ‘real world’ I mean post high school, which is as real in the dating game as it is ever going to get, all of the women are now like free range hens, pardon the comparison. All of them are now on the market for all the men. Most men in their early to mid twenties are attracted to women in the same age group – women in their early to mid twenties. The problem? Men in their thirties, forties and fifties are attracted to women in the exact same age group! Hell, I’ve seen my father who is breaching sixty checking out friggin’ teenagers! He’s married BTW, and I dunno if that makes it better or worse.

Women are, and always have been attracted to older blokes. So, those guys in their thirties and so on have a much higher chance of gaining one of those young ladies than a bloke in his twenties does. How so? Older men are better equipped economically, professionally and sexually (as in experience), and are better equipped with transport and accommodation too. Would a woman be more interested in that? Or in a bloke in his mid twenties who still lives with mummy, has a job that pays about fifty bucks per day rather than five grand, has a wooden car with a wooden engine that when started up wooden go, and whose sexual experience ranges somewhere between nil and not much. Yeah, real attractive – my arse! (I was not describing myself just then, FYI).

Of course, the next issue after communication and competition are standards. Every single woman has the image of the perfect man in their minds eye, and if you do not fit that criterion, then you have already failed before the relationship has officially begun. Now, this is one section that I do know about. You see, the woman of my dreams has a blog. I ain’t gonna provide the link because I don’t want other blokes going over there, thinking she’s a fox and stealing her right out from under me! I’m already having enough trouble right now without adding any more to my list!

How so? Well, apart from issues with communication, there was my intro…the first day we met was at university during a Media Management in Public Relations class. Yes, the girl of my dreams wants to be a PR consultant of sorts. Well, PR consultant or no PR consultant, an intro is still an intro, no matter which woman you are attempting to woo. So, as for my intro – I get out of my chair, take two steps forward, trip over a chair that some bastard has left out, and nearly break my neck and flatten the girl of my dreams in the exact same moment. Yeah, real smooth. Lucky for me I grabbed hold of the table, and lucky for me it did support my weight, else that would have been the end. No, I ain’t fat, but those tables at university…you barely have to look at ‘em and they wobble. Falling on ‘em – hell, I would not recommend it in the future.

Moving on…So, I am going to provide a couple quotes from her blog to explain what she is after. Elisha’s dream man needs to be a chef, an electrician, a mechanic and a carpenter. He needs to be capable of changing a light bulb and the water in the car, and additionally needs to be skilled in child care.

Of these areas, I have potential in cooking, in changing the light globe, child care and…awwwwwwww fuck! A mechanic? I don’t even own a car! An electrician? A carpenter? Fuck me! No, she won’t be doing that any time soon! Not with the pathetic resume that I have to offer.

But wait, what is Elisha’s opinion on the subject matter. Here is a quote from her blog; ‘So wherever my future husband is, I know he will have these skills and if he doesn’t, I know that he will learn these new skills so we can build a life together.’

Okay, so perhaps things aren’t completely over yet. I do however have to learn the skills and prove myself competent in them to ensure a successful relationship. But a carpenter? I don’t want a carpet! I would rather have wooden floors! (I realise carpenters do not work with carpet – this is my sick idea of an ironic joke).

Additionally, Elisha had this to say; ‘I don’t have any preferences on how my future husband has to look. But I do have an impressive checklist of what qualifications he must hold before even considering wanting to marry me.’

So, basically, if Elisha chooses to be with someone, they could be friggin’ hideous, that is what this sentence is saying.  An impressive skill set? She wants the fuckin’ impossible! She wants fuckin’ superman for Christ sake! Also, I’m not saying I want to marry this woman, but I would like to have a long term relationship, which is looking less and less likely to occur with every paragraph I write of this post.

Adjunctively, Elisha has mentioned in the past to me that she is a strong believer in the Christian religion. I am an atheist. Is that going to spell doom and gloom? Wait a minute, if we were to get married…does that mean the wedding will take place in a church? Could I even go to church? Hypothetically, let’s just say God is real 100%. I’m an atheist, I walk into church – will He smite me down with lightning? Or will I spontaneously combust and catch fire from the spells and hexes placed across the church to prevent people such as myself who are inevitably doomed to end up in hell from entering? Oh no, perhaps I should call this whole relationship thing off…this is just far too strenuous. Second thoughts, Elisha is far too foxy and amazing to give up on just yet…moving on.

On a more serious note, returning to the views on Christianity, I want to know one thing. At the start of 2011, Elisha mentioned she was a virgin. Yes, quite the thing to admit to, but she did. Being a Christian, what is the chance that she believes in getting married before you know, having rudey nudey’s/ the deed/ a roll in the hay/ the time of our lives/ how else could I put this without putting it any other way? I am not asking this question because I am a sex crazed loon – not at all. I would just like to know where she stands. One friend of mine has decided to not have sex (oh my God, I used the word!) before getting married, and although she is a Christian, she is not as strong a believer as Elisha is.

Any other issues? Well, there is of course location. Elisha has said in the past that she wishes to go to London for a year, and to go around the entire world. I intend to stay at uni to obtain my masters, so I will be unable to accompany her if we are in a relationship. That is the thing – I do not want a long distance relationship; I want a long term one, which is completely different people! At the moment, this same difficulty is in effect. How come? Elisha lives in Darwin. I live in Melbourne. For those of you who do not live in Australia, let me give you the geography.  Darwin is located at the top most centre point of Australia. Melbourne is located in the lower most right section of Australia. There is a cool few hours of flight time in-between each state, with a massive desert smack bang in the centre. Elisha is only in Melbourne whilst she is at university, and since every semester is only twelve weeks in length (and during the week off Elisha flies back home), that provides me with very little time. Quite the issue it would seem…

The other problem would be that I am infatuated with her. And, I am sure anyone reading this right now knows how it feels to be infatuated with the one woman/person you cannot live without – it is friggin’ horrible! I realised I had feelings for her last year, but I did not make a move. Why not? Was I chicken? No, that was not it. I simply thought she was in Melbourne just for the year, and I would never see her again. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how I view this, she did return this year. I did nothing again, not because I was chicken, but because I came to this conclusion; do not do anything until the last minute, the last minute being the first week of the final semester we would ever experience together at university. That way, any awkwardness that comes from me finally admitting to her my feelings will be relatively less difficult than it would be if I mentioned the way I felt earlier on. So, if everything goes belly up, then we will only have to experience eleven weeks of awkwardness rather than an entire year’s worth.

What awkwardness am I referring to? People go to university to study. They spend a shit load of money to do so. By the time I am finished, I would have a racked up a bill that probably extends to that of 100 K, if not more. I mean, my masters course alone will cost 42 thou, and who knows about the doctorate!

At high school, people can quit at any time, whilst people who attend university attend such an institution because they want to. They wish to gain an education – they do not go there to get hit on by fellow students. If they wanted some dufus flirting with ‘em, they would spend their life in a bar. So, by waiting until the end of university basically, that limits the amount of awkwardness that could very well come from such a situation. I think…

The problem with this plan is that I cannot move on from the way I feel until I confess to Elisha my feelings cuz that is the kind of guy I am. I need to verbally convey them to the woman in question, and then, if nothing happens, which is quite the possibility, I will be able to successfully move on roughly two weeks later. If something happens, well, that would be absolutely beautiful, but I always plan for the worst, and hope for the best, but do not expect it to ever come to pass. Due to the fact that I cannot move on, I have to endure these painful feelings. Yes, they are terribly, terribly painful. You see, at the moment;
I want Elisha
the way a heart needs a beat,
the way lungs need oxygen,
the way a bee needs pollen,
the way a plant needs the sun.

I want Elisha
the way a shark needs the sea,
the way a lion needs meat,
the way earthworms need moisture,
the way rich red blood needs cells.

I want Elisha
the way a gun needs ammunition,
the way a hunting knife needs a clean,
the way an army needs a captain,
the way a country needs government.

I want Elisha
the way a husband needs a wife,
the way Cupid needs an arrow,
the way true love needs to survive,
the way moist lips need to be kissed.

Okay, sorry about the shotty poetry, but I felt no other way to explain myself nor my feelings.

So basically, I still have a few issues I need to go through…

…before I go however, there is one last question I wish to pose…back in March, Elisha mentioned in conversation that she was going to cook with someone she referred to as her ‘lovely’. Now, who might this ‘lovely’ be, cuz she never went into specifics. Lovely husband? Lovely partner? Lovely boyfriend? Lovely mother? Lovely father? Lovely family member? Lovely friend? Lovely teacher? Lovely dog? It would have to be one friggin’ awesome dog to know how to cook, let’s put it that way! Also, the post I took the information about her potential future husband? She typed that up in April, one month after mentioning this dinner. Any ideas? No? Yes? No?

I guess I will find out when I see her next…if I see her next…

Well, here’s Naughty Nefarious once more, signing off, and hoping for the best. See you round…

…and thanks for reading!

BTW, Any material acquired from Elisha’s blog is copyright of the original writer.

Jul 3 2012

Harder Waste Collection, Harder!

 

It’s hard waste collection time once again, and come Wednesday the trucks will be filing up to take out the trash…or will they? Now, this ain’t a question of whether or not they will show up. True, they are not exactly reliable, but they do eventually always show up sooner or later, usually later, and quite often it is within a week, or a month, but still, that does constitute their arrival. No, this is a question of whether the trash will be there when they finally show up. Perhaps that is the great plan…the companies involved know that eventually all of the hard waste will be stolen by others, for one man’s trash is another man’s golden goose, so why not let the people rummage around in each other’s squalor until they themselves deal with it.

Every time I have put out trash for the hard waste collection, it has often disappeared before the trucks came to take it away, and I ain’t the only person to have this happen to. So why am I making this post about my trash been stolen from me? I mean, I did put it out with the sole purpose of having it taken, so why should I care if the people responsible for it have taken it or some floozy from across the street who thinks a relic from an era long forgotten is a technological step forward?

Last year I put out a freezer…a couple hours later a council vehicle came by to do some renovations on their plants. Sure enough, the bastard behind the wheel, the same guy responsible for caring for the plants to make certain they grew big and tall saw the freezer and thought ‘wow!’, and after having what I believe can only be justified as an orgasm, cuz who in their right mind steals a used freezer, grabbed it, placed it onto his truck and ran off with it as though he had just found Julius Caesar’s balls. I guess he did not realise that normal people did not toss out equipment that still worked flawlessly, and he would have had quite the shock when he plugged it in, only to find that it could no longer work; its ability to freeze was forever dead and gone.

Of course, back in 2002, I put out an old TV, an old VHS player (you know that’s old cuz it played videos!) and an old vacuum cleaner – and the neighbours stole the lot of ‘em not an hour after they were put out onto the nature strip. And today, I put out the TV that had replaced the one I put out in 2002, and that was just taken away too. A red car drove by, dunno what make and model, four guys (or thugs?) jumped out, grabbed the TV which I had placed into the box it had come in, attached it to the roof of their vehicle, grabbed a couple other items from other people around the court before driving off as fast as possible, leaving a trail of smoke in their wake.

I have learnt about such issues though, and plan accordingly. Boy, those guys are in for a little shock when they get the TV home – only to find I took a crowbar to the screen. And back in 2002 I planned ahead as well. I cut the TV’s power cord, so there was no way that was ever gonna be hooked up to anything – and I took the remote. For the VHS player, I cut that cord too, and I opened the old girl up with a screwdriver, ripped out some of her guts that looked especially important, and sealed her back up again. As for the vacuum cleaner – well, I doubt they could too much with that after I severely compromised the area where the paper bag that stored all the rubbish was to be secured.

I know, probably a little extreme, but I think it’s great to screw with people – they think they have found an item of significance, only to later find that I have won. True, they may have stolen from me, but what they stole ain’t worth the dirt it was thrown upon. This of course is leading to my next argument…is it legal to take shit that don’t belong to you once it has been tossed out onto the nature strip? Do the original owner’s still have a claim on it? What if they thought ‘you know, perhaps I shouldn’t throw out that certain item…’, only to go outside and find the certain item running down the street…well, the legs of the arsehole holding it are running – the item in question is screaming at the top of its lungs, hoping to be saved from the hands of the vile lunatic who has stolen her…okay, perhaps I’m getting a little carried away here.

In 2010, a Middle Eastern bloke in Melbourne put out his old vacuum cleaner for a hard waste collection, and two hours later a guy swung by and stole it off the nature strip and drove off with it. It was asked then, just as I did in the last paragraph, is this legal? The answer…there really isn’t one. Supposedly, when a person tosses something out on the nature strip, they are relieving the item of all of their rights. Kind of like disinheriting a child and tossing them out on the street. The owner is saying ‘leave! I don’t want you anymore!’ Of course, if the owner wishes to have the item back, and it has been stolen from the nature strip, that is basically the world laughing in their face. Like when you go to the football – you run the risk of having the red footy come and smack you between the eyes, same matter applies in this circumstance. If you toss something out, you run the risk of never getting it back if you just so happen to change your mind, so you ought to be one hundred per cent sure before you go around tossing out your priceless jewelry collection that you do not want it anymore, or whatever item it is that you are removing from your life.

I would just want to know – why would a person steal trash from someone’s nature strip? Now, yes, if they were homeless, that would be understandable. But these people I am talking about, these thieves, looters if you will – they have homes! Money! You telling me they are too stingy to pay a few thousand bucks on a HD 3D TV that they have to go steal a CRT TV from someone’s else’s property that is not HD, 3D, or even worth considering TV because it is so friggin’ old?

Next thing you know these people will be physically entering our homes and stealing our appliances right out from under our noses. Oh, wait! They already do that, they’re called thieves! So, what title do we give to those who take items from our nature strip?

As always, this is but my opinion…

…Naughty Nefarious, signing off

Jun 25 2012

GIFT or CURSE? A piece about WRITING, PUBLISHING and UNIVERSITY

 

Contains some coarse language.

Plan? What plan? Talk to the architect if you want a plan! Yep, that’s right – if you came here for advice, you are sadly mistaken, cuz here, you will find anything but…

…Going to a university after college/high school/whatever it’s called, is all well and good, but are there repercussions to this as well?

As a person who wanted to work professionally in the writing field, I found out the hard way that employer’s do not take people seriously who do not have valid credentials in the field they wish to enter. Now, by writing, I meant a professional, who worked on pieces from prose to poetry, through to novels and screenplays. Yes, I suffer from delusions of grandeur, but a dream is a dream until it is proven to be 100% unachievable, and I am yet to reach that unfortunate stage.

But, why a writer? So many people these days want to be teachers and shrinks and work in PR. Well, I could that writing has always been a guilty pleasure of mine, but I think that Australian author Michael Hyde, who was my lecturer for my introduction to Creative Writing class during my first semester of University put it best. Now, I hope to write this properly, but it has been a couple years since he explained this, so I might not be entirely accurate in my words – if he happens to read this he’ll probably shake his head at me. Dr. Hyde (yes, doctor, not mister!) explained how he was once teaching at this school. There was a student who could write very well, but to impress his friends he did his best not to focus on writing as much as he did sports and drinking, and other usual Aussie bloke stuff. Anyway, this literary competition is held at the school, and Dr. Hyde asks this student to submit his piece. For further encouragement, he explains how women like writers – they find men who write absolutely irresistible. The student is quite unsure; his friends laugh at him, believing writing to be the kind of thing done by losers and nerds – not by stereotypical Aussie blokes. Anyway, after much convincing the student decides to enter his piece into the competition – and wins! But, the morale of the story has not yet come to pass…the following morning, Dr. Hyde is walking down a corridor – and he sees the young woman who every man in the entire school had been lusting over embracing the student who had won the competition – yes, the same student Dr. Hyde had encouraged to enter. So, walking over to them, Dr. Hyde whispers into the ear of the student ‘told yer so.’ So, there you have it…the reason why I want to write – to gain the attention of all the foxy ladies.

Besides, in regards to other avenues of study…in relation to PR, 1) I’m no good at communicating with the general public, and 2) I’m no good at communicating with my relations, so how the hell could I ever be any good at Public Relations? And as for teaching – often has good opportunities for economic compensation, but other than that…besides, students usually freak the hell out of me, so it’s one of those thanks but no thanks ventures. Some people are scared to fly. Some people are frightened of the dark. I’m terrified to students. Moving on…

…Between the ages of thirteen and fifteen during some of my spare time I completed three short story collections, each containing six pieces. However, by the end the word ‘short’ may have very well been the last word I would have used to describe them, with the shortest piece indeed being 7 pages in length, whilst the largest was 102, and the average was 60; not exactly the definition of the term ‘short’ now, are they?

Unfortunately for me, at the time I had no literary agent, and only a very small per cent of Australian publishers are willing to accept unsolicited content; Penguin and their subsidiary Puffin, Allen and Unwin (at the time at least), Text Publishing, just to name a few. However, these publishers may say ‘we will accept unsolicited material’, but never is there a clause that expresses ‘we will publish unsolicited material.’ I learnt very quickly that every single publishing house had a problem with short stories; unless you were a known quantity in the industry, then this notion did not apply. I remember reading on the MacMillan page that they did not publish short stories, yet in the exact same month I read that known Australian author Andy Griffiths, most notable for his ‘Just’ franchise, had another of his short story collections published by their company! So, the rules are rules, unless you are a published author, in which case none actually apply to you.

Unfortunately for me, on the first occasion I happened to submit something, I mentioned my age, which at the time was 14. After almost half a year, in which I had given up waiting for this particular publishing house and had sent pieces to a couple others, I was notified in the mail whether or not I was successful. Of course I wasn’t, as depicted by the general tone of the paragraph. Did they supply a reason? Yes, amazingly enough…they explained how a 14 year old writer could never be taken seriously in the industry, and if one is writing short stories aimed for a young, adolescent audience, then they cannot be members of that readership – they need to be older, and more experienced in age and life, for nobody would ever want to read the work of a teenager. Safe to say I never mentioned my age in a cover letter again.

Anyway, long story short (pun included?) I contacted a literary agency, and after a few months was able to successfully converse with one of their employees about how short stories were not a popular market – in which I found out that they actually are! True, short stories never sell as many copies as novels, but they are especially well enjoyed by younger audiences because of their general length. It’s that publishers do not want to take the risk with a short story collection. On occasion, these collections have gone belly up for publishers, which is why they are after something more – a novel. Luckily enough for me, at the time I had an idea for a science fiction novel which I had been developing for some time.

Of course, something always gets in the way, right? Well, in this instance it was plain ol’ me…I finished the novel in December of 2009 after working on it for roughly six whole years. I took one look at my finished product and thought ‘what a piece of shit.’ Okay, honestly, it may not have been all that bad, but there was more I wanted to develop within the story in regards to the centralised characters and the lead antagonists. Additionally, I leant a lot whilst writing the story. The one thing I took away with me from high school was this; it don’t matter if you are writing a story set in the past, present or the future, if you do not have themes, or if you do not discuss pertinent issues that are reminiscent of today’s society, you will not gain a very broad readership. So, what are strong themes or issues transpiring today? Well, there is gay marriage, war, especially the one in the Middle East, racism and terrorism. There is love and sexism and rights for women. Safe to say, one can develop a piece with futuristic themes and such, but only the writer will really be privy to such a fantasy. The reader needs something that they can understand and clearly relate to, else you ain’t gonna succeed.

Additionally, I thought another aspect of writing on my lonesome, which Michael Hyde further discussed in his second lecture. What is this you might wonder? Well, at the beginning of my first novel (the term ‘beginning’ is loosely used – basically means the entire first half) I dominated my characters. I ruled over them with an iron fist! I wanted each and every one of them to live up to the notions and developments that I had conceived in my mind, and nothing was gonna get in my way from having them end up the way I wanted them to. However, by the second half of the piece I had altered my train of thought and relieved my characters of my ruling and allowed them to run free across the page. What did I learn from this experience? If you sit back, your characters will do everything for you – all you need to do is write it down. The freedom my characters had from this point onwards guaranteed them change from my initial plan that I had scheduled for their futures and changed many of the conclusions I had initially conceived.

I also happened to unfortunately find when I tried to publish this first novel of mine that I had just chosen to write in the one genre that I probably shouldn’t have. Yes, sci-fi is a very well rounded and broad subject that is enjoyable around the world; the problem? At least half, if not more Australian publishers are scared shitless of publishing sci-fi because it could blow up in their faces! Why/how did I not know this when I first began? SHIT! Anyway, instead of giving up ion such a genre or reinventing parts of the novel, I decided to move onto the development of another sci-fi oriented piece – which I am still developing to this very day.

True, probably not one of the most intelligible of things to do since I knew what to expect from the industry, but there was one more thing I was counting on; the experience I had been told that was a necessity for me back when I was fourteen…I was, and still am, attempting to acquire it. I’m in my third and final year of my undergraduate university course, but I have no intention of stopping there. Next, I wish to complete my masters, and then my doctorate, and then I can be Dr. Naughty Nefarious! However, what I am really aiming for is plain and simple professional courtesy – if I have gone all the way to gain a doctorate (that is if I succeed, which I hope to do so), I am hoping to look pretty darn respectable. I mean, how many people in total within Australia have gone on to gain doctorates? I don’t mean to seem pretentious or egotistical, but I am hoping this may provide to me a bonus, as to allow me to stand out from the other hopeful writers of tomorrow.

In the meantime though, what can I possibly do? Well, that is where the Gift/Curse part of the headline comes into play…one can gain a university degree, or go on to complete their postgrad, but all of this comes at a price. And I don’t just mean economically, although that is gonna be one helluva issue whine it comes time for me to pay off the rotten bastard of a tab that I have wafting over my head like a dark, angry storm cloud. No, I of course mean professionally. If one is after a job after attaining such qualifications and is unable to gain one in their intended industry, what next? That is the problem, because ‘what next’ is a great, big puddle of utter nothingness. Employers not in the field of study one has accomplished want NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Why not? One, you are too over qualified. Actually, that is basically the one and only point. Due to this, you will constantly be searching for another occupation – one in your chosen felid that you explicitly studied for, and once you acquire that dream job, you will leave the one you currently have. Employers don’t want to put time and investment into a worker who will inevitably leave – no, they want someone they can train and bend to their every whim like to an able pet. So, gaining one’s dream educational qualification is all well and good, but it will ultimately prohibit oneself from gaining an employment- anywhere but in their chosen field, and if the job you seek is not hiring, well, to be blunt – you’re fucked!

Naughty Nefarious, signing off!

Jun 25 2012

NBN – (un)Naturally Boring Numbskulls

 

The NBN – the National Broadband Network is what the government is attempting to roll out. Beginning by updating small towns in the middle of the Whoop Whoops with this new supposed high speed internet, this next generation advancement in internet technology is, according to the Prime Minister, going to put Australia on top for high speed internet. This, coming from the same Prime Minister who says Australia has the great economy in all the world, yet Brisbane is several billion dollars in dept? Interesting…Adjunctively, the PM may never get to see her project come to life, cuz if the PM gets kicked out in the next election, it may be cancelled by whoever takes office next. I mean, the NBN has been in the works since 2007, and less than what, 2,000 homes in a country of 25 million people have gained the ability to use this technology over the past five years? Billions of dollars have been poured into this project and those involved in its orchestration have complained and pulled out and new people have been called in. I guess some people doubt the PM’s ability to successfully integrate the software into the country. Of course, after the home isolation fiasco, can you blame ‘em? (for those non-Australians treading this, the ‘home insulation fiasco’ was a scheme instigated by the Prime Minister in which all insulation companies were given the ability to place new insulation into the homes of people. All these home with the new insulation in ‘em, subsequently burnt down due to shit insulation. That is the Australian government for you – ‘we care’ they say…yes, they care so much that they try to kill you in your sleep!) Supposedly by the year 2015, a cool 200,000 people will have the ability to use this high speed internet. I won’t probably be living in Oz by the time the entire country is fully up and running, and by then, the NBN will be so far out of date and the Americans will have an internet so far more advanced that the very mention of the NBN will bring about hysterics of laughter rather than plans for national domination.

Of course, the whole meaning of this post was to state my pros and cons on the subject matter of this technologically advanced system. Positively speaking about the software, my current internet, no offence, but it is pretty friggin’ pathetic. It cuts out frequently, and when that doesn’t happen it automatically shuts itself off, forcing me to sign back in. I have a contract with Optus – it’s a wireless dial up connection with a 5 Gigabyte plan with costs around 50 bucks per month. On top of these issues, the internet takes so damn long to load pages that I could have designed them personally by the time they have loaded, and the internet is so slow, that on occasion, if it managed to become any slower, I would be travelling back through time. I could argue that this occurs because the Optus tower where we pick our connection off from is also shared by Telstra. So, anyone on either of those two plans, using either the internet or their phones are bouncing around the same data port. Basically, there would be an awful lot of people trying to connect to friends, family and the internet at once. However, it would be worse if I was with one of the other companies. Virgin, 3, Vodafone, Chariot and Dodo all use the other tower. Imagine trying to get a connection with one of those companies in my neighborhood. You’d be lucky to even download a kilobyte before the internet died on yer due to the prioritising of other customers using more juice than you are. I should be glad I at least got piss poor internet service cuz the other companies might not offer me any service at all.

Basically, if and when the NBN ever comes into the works, it may very well be able to sufficiently boost the internet connection that I have to work with now. But since the PM ain’t prioritising major cities, towns or suburbs, and since like I said, I may not even be living in this country when the day the NBN is 100% turned on, I may never get to know how much of a success, or potential flop, the entire scheme is. For that, perhaps I should be glad. You see, on a negative side (apart from the fact I’ll be old and grey by the time the NBN is on), the government have stated (but governments, especially the Australian one always lie) that the NBN will change how everything works. If that is true, then that in itself kinda freaks me the hell out. I like the way things are running now without having them change. I mean, people of previous generations felt the development of mobile phone devices and portable music players and the like have been huge leaps forward in the advancement of technology. I never felt it was. Such came naturally to me, and that was probably because I was born in the time when technology is continuously changing at an incredibly rapid pace. However, what the NBN is emphasising, seems like a substantial leap forward, and if that ever comes to pass, then the older generations and I will have something in common.

I do not like the fact that those responsible for the NBN’s promulgation are stipulating how the project is going to alter life as we know it – how shopping, work and life in general are going to be dramatically changed with this technology. Now, they are yet to actually be specific about such generalisations, but what I have heard thus far seems pretty mind blowing. I look at my life and the way I live it, the way I work and the plans I have for the future and I base them on the technology today and the opportunities that are available to me. The way the NBN designers are talking – it sounds very much like the past is going to be terminated and a new future will be brought in and ultimately change everything that I believe. Now, I am all for an advancement in technology and I believe change can indeed be good – but the NBN is making it sound as though that change will be instantaneous – a bit like Skynet. Plug it in, and suddenly, everybody’s dead. That is what the NBN sounds like. Plug it in, and watch the world that you know vanish and a new one be erected before your very eyes.

I can only hope when and if the NBN does come, the change is more subtle. But like I already mentioned governments lie. Besides, most people in government office cannot tell the difference between Twitter and a toilet seat, so what the hell do they know about the NBN?

Looking towards the future and beyond, this is Naughty Nefarious, signing off once more.

Jun 19 2012

Video Games, Religion and Politicians – Not good bed fellows

 

What  people who don’t play video games say: ‘I don’t know about video games. They sound awful complicated.’

What people who don’t play video games would say if they played them: ‘Da! I shoot u ya BaSTarD! i kill u d00d, u r DOA lama!’

Maybe that is not what people inexperinced with the gaming world would say, but still, gaming has changed an awful lot since its orchestration. But I ain’t here to talk about the history – no, I am here to talk about the possible future. Films today in general are, can we say ‘not very good’? So many are total blow outs at the cinema. Creators and story tellers are running out of original concepts it might seem and are looking towards books for ideas. I mean, how many days was Twilight out before someone said ‘I could make a movie about that!’

When might this unfortunate occurrence hit the world of the video game? Perhaps it has already happened? We might be living in such a world right now. How so? For one, the sequel; almost every single game now-a-days comes with a sequel. And it ain’t like in Hollywood where you watch a film and the entire storyline plays out and then they create a brand new story line for the following title. No – games have sequels because the story gets to a certain point – and then gets chopped – only to be revisited in the following two games. Yes my friends, I am talking about the trilogy! Mass Effect, Gears of War, maybe even Crysis and Rage – all have elements of the sequel. Bearing in mind I am not complaining about the content – they were all equally awesome in their own way – but they were chopped off at points where they leave the gamer crying out ‘Oi! WTF!’, before forcing them to wait a cool 2-3 years for the next installment. I mean, who here has heard the rumor that a possible Doom 4 will come out in December of this year? Id and Bethesda have been awful quiet, but still – that there is the sequel at work. We gamers are but slaves to it, for if we liked the predecessors then of course we are going to buy the sequel – even though by the time the sequel comes out it is twice as expensive as the game that came before it in the series when released a few years before!

Secondly, there is the HD version of games. When people run out of ideas, they plan to remake the old!
Recently the creator of Alone in the Dark specified how he wished to create a HD version of the original concept that was designed back when games were but new and people looked at them with suspicion. Halo HD, Silent Hill HD collection, Serious Sam HD…Duke Nukem, released on XBOX360, PS3 AND PC 2010, but in old graphics format (never released in Oz though). The problem with the HD versions of games, or the re-release of them is…that they never offer anything new or exciting. No new weapons. No new levels. In fact, they often take segments out. Serious Sam had no Split Screen function on XBOX360 and several movie clips were removed from the campaign. Halo HD had no new weapons or abilities and almost all of the original multiplayer maps failed to make a return. However, imagine what Doom or Doom2 would look like in HD! Now, that is one wet dream of mine I would like to see become real…

…then there is the whole concept that video games are the root of all evil; that they cause violence in society and turn children into uneducated delinquents. Of course, the people who always make these comments are those of whom in society would not know a video game from a glass of water. Take Australia for instance. No ‘R 18+’ rating all these years, and on January 1st 2013, they intend to have a ‘test run’ of this rating system. That don’t sound all too ominous to me, but if it means I will temporarily have no restrictions on my games, then I am fine with it for as long as it lasts. For years Australian gamers have been craving such a rating as to be treated like adults rather than little children who desperately need protection. There is such thing as too much protection. Most gamers are between the ages of 18-32. Don’t tell me they require parental protection?! When will these restrictions begin to grow more lenient? Or are they to grow more fierce as the years go by?

The politicians are in constant debate over this notion for an ‘R18+’ rating, yet no politician plays video games, so what is the point of having people with no knowledge on such subject matter making choices that ultimately affect the world of gaming in one entire country? All be it, not a very large one, but a country all the same! According to gaming specialists who accuse games of being violent, ‘Doom’ was basically the beginning of the end for our society, yet none of these speculators have any actual evidence to support their ridiculous claims that gaming causes intense violence amongst its community. Apparently earlier in the year a known gamer defecated in the hall of the hotel they were staying in. Yes, that might not be the smartest thing to do when travelling the world, but still – I have not played a game where shit was used as the primary weapon.

What really shits me (pardon the pun) is when groups who have no real say in the world about games decide to put their bib in. Before March, when it was decided an ‘R18+’ rating would be allowed in Australia, the last meeting on the subject occurred in around August of 2011 in Brisbane where the members of parliament involved in the meeting came together for three hours. There are a cool couple million people in Oz who play video games, and the government decides to give away three hours of their precious time for video games? They spend more time giving each other additional surpluses of money on the general public’s dime! After this meeting occurred and it was said that the politicians left without an informed decision – a Melbourne Christian group came out and said this decision was a win for them. Why did they need to comment anyway? Not one of them had ever played a game, yet they were frequently accusing games of spreading the root of sin!

On top of this, it is almost ironic for a Christian group to come out and accuse video games of being the excuse for the world’s problems. Video games it would seem are nothing more than a scapegoat in the eyes of such organisations that wish to change the world to that which they want. Why can’t it be that some people are just naturally arseholes? Why does it have to be that everyone began as ‘good’ people, and then played a video game and then, and only then, did they turn into raving nut cases? It’s rich that Christian groups like the one that saw video games as an antagonistic evil labeled it as such, specifying that they should be banned and restricted. Now, what I am about to say is going to seem quite controversial to some, but couldn’t religion and Christianity be viewed in the exact same light as video games?…

Now, I may be an atheist, I will admit it, but that does not mean that I naturally despise religion. It simply means that I can look at it, discuss it and interpret it without being blinded by personal religious bias. But, I digress.

 …Seriously – if video games are responsible for but even one death, and I ain’t saying that they are – I can assure you, religion is responsible for more deaths in the entire human history than anything else combined. Video games are considered harmful to the people – they promote violence supposedly. Couldn’t religion be articulated in the same light? The Crusades – hundreds upon thousands of people slaughtered by armies of Christian soldiers just because they chose not to believe in Jesus Christ. And what about extremists? Are not their causes religious too? On top of this, Christianity reaffirms the idea that a person can kill and kill again and not feel at all guilty for their crimes – hell, a person could kill a million people, go to Church, ask God for forgiveness, and it shall be granted to them. Then, they will not only feel free of guilt – but will probably go out and kill another million people and feel the same exact lack of guilt immediately afterwards.

Moreover, video games are seen as been dangerous for children. Here’s a question for you – how many times have you heard a report on the news that a child has been grievously injured by a video game? Has been influenced to bring harm to another individual because of a video game? Now, with those answers in mind – how many times in the news have you heard reports that a priest or member of the church has sexually assaulted a young boy?

If you intend to ban video games, or restrict the content within them, then why not ban every single thing that is potentially hazardous to one’s health, regardless if there is verified proof to back up the allegations or not. This not only includes religion, but what about driving one’s car around? Having a shower? Walking down the street? Joining the military? Becoming a law enforcement officer? When will it end? Almost every single thing in the entire world can be seen as a tool for violence if it is interpreted that way. My idea – if we removed every single supposedly violent thing from our society, we would no doubt be relegated back to the Stone Age for anything and everything can be used aggressively if placed into the hands of a violent aggressor. On top of this, I would recommend that one does not quickly judge something before they have all the facts to make a substantial case. Not only is doing this foolish, ignorant and boring because one is simply copying every other group or person like an army of brainless sheep – it is also blatantly rude to prevent people from experiencing their entertainment just because a couple people here and there have a supposed ‘problem’ with the product. If every single thing the church had a problem with was forever banned, there would be nothing but the church left in this world.

Is this the future of gaming – a restricted world where content is blocked and games are banned? Where restrictions reign supreme? I certainly hope not, and if so, it ain’t the kind of world I want to live in!

Thank you for reading

Jun 14 2012

Is communication dying?

 

Communication is a market that is continuously changing. Where once people spoke and wrote in a particular way, now it has adapted to the next generation, as it will for the next after it. But it isn’t really the spoken word that is the focus of this piece, but the written one. According to recent surveys of people in Melbourne, it was theorised that around 40% of the work force could not read or write. Now, if we were not living in a country where there were schools every few blocks, I would find that to be a rather average statistic. But because we live in a country that actually offers education, I am quite surprised at this statistic, which has grown considerably over the years. Perhaps the general notion of this is that if the government who preside over the state, country, or what have you, are unable to care about such a subject, then so shouldn’t the people who live in the country. I mean, if the government do not see grammar, spelling and reading as a priority for its people, then perhaps it no longer is, and thus, those in the work force skip out on what once was a necessity.

I remember back in year 11 when I was in literature class, a couple students walked past and made the comment ‘only losers read’ in regards to everyone taking the course. If this is the view of a majority of the people, then it is quite obvious as to why such a statistic has come about. Basically, the end point I would like to make is that basic reading and writing does not require too much intellect, right? I mean, how any brain cells do you need to formulate words onto paper and successfully read sentences off from it too? However, if intelligence dies, then technically, we die too, and I would much rather remain alive. So technically, I am proposing that writing and reading should be prioritised, instead of being underrated by so many people. I only say so many people because if 40% of the work force can’t read and write, yes perhaps some had no choice in the matter, but the ability to improve oneself is always available to them, how many people in society as a whole are afflicted with this disease, and believe me when I say, unintelligence is a disease. People conform to the social norm, and if one day there are more people who can’t read and write than those who can, who are people going to side with? All they need to do is take the step. 40% is not far off from 50%, which I fear could very well be the statistic come the next decade. If we live in a country where the work force is suffering such an issue, then what is the statics for the society in general? How many of those 25 million people in total find it impossible to read and write? Bearing in mind the statistic was just for Melbourne alone. Quite a scary thought. In a state of what, seven million people (?), the amount is quite significant. It is just quite odd that in a country with clean water, electricity, proper housing developments, a stable government (I use the term stable very loosely), and what the government is bragging to be a triple A credit rating – why the hell do we have such shitty statistics for reading and writing? What is wrong with reading and writing, and when was this thought injected into society that it was only for the losers? What kind of government allows its education to go unchecked to such a degree that it supposedly gets everything sorted but the education sector?

In a world where if you are unable to fathomably (is this even a word) communicate then you are basically gonna be unable to be incorporated into any sector of society, communication being a key aspect of the human condition. I mean, why were we given tongues, lips, and a mouth? To eat, yes. To taste, yes. If you’re romantic you could say to kiss those we love most dearly. But, we are also given such equipment to talk. If all that comes out from one’s mouth are unintelligible sentences that are not properly formulated into coherent patterns of thought, then who in their right mind is going to bother prioritising you as the kind of individual they want supporting them in the work place?

Of course, I feel one of the major reasons behind this breakdown in communication practices is just pure human laziness. Technology has given way to aid us in every single thing we do, so all we really need to do as a species is sit back and let technology do the work for us. The same goes for communication, with technology adapting and enabling us to communicate over long range distances and such which is all really great and productive, but somewhere along the line people began to act lazily in this respect. For instance, the use of abbreviations and the deliberate shortening of sentences. Whenever we do this kind of stuff, are we not saying ‘screw you’ to the world of communication and every single lesson we ever learnt? I mean, 2day in society, whr is it dat we r lerng 2 write in da sam manr we r doing so via txt lik sirvises? I don’t c teachrs teechng dis theorem in clas, so why is it been used in socity so regularly? Y do we communic8 in such a manr as to 4get our basic teachngs? Hell, curnt wrd sftwar is allwng us 2 get away wif such communic8ive erors by not pikng up on ny of em wen we r typng. So, wat 1nc strtd on mobil dvices, has movd 2 reprt wrtng + othr such pecs of wrtn wrk. Da profsnl wrld has basicly been releg8td 2 an obsoleat ideology bcuz nobdy wishs 2 use it anymr wen it is easir to simply use wat may hav 1nc been intrpretd as the increct methd of communic8ion. Wat knd o socity alws 4 da misuse of communic8ion? Aparntly tis 1!

Now, I personally have a problem with spelling and grammatical errors. I cannot stand to see something that is amiss in a document but that was just the way I was educated, or raised. It’s shame that such is not the same today. Teachers are taught that near enough is good enough, which is quite the opposite from a couple decades back when anything but the most flawless of accuracies was considered worthy. However, who will care in the future if everyone today is now priding themselves on not doing anything to solve the issue with communication? In the future it will be pointless of me to make a post like this because the damage will be so far entrenched within our society. Now, I guess one could ask ‘well, why don’t you do something about this mister?’, and I would argue ‘many have come before me; people of action, who have been continuously shot down time and time again. It would seem however that the government sees education as an issue that is quite worthless in comparison to other such areas. People can protest about an issue, but rarely does that change the way a country will react, especially one like ours where the government listens to its people as regularly as it sends space shuttles to Mars.

One fear of mine is books in particular. Now, I will admit it has been several years (2005) since I last read a book for fun. I know a few people who still do so (the number is 3), but will there even be a book industry in the future? People have argued in the past that there will always be people willing to read books. They said the same thing about newspapers, and now we live in a time where more people access their news online rather than in paper based format and it has been theorised by some that the days of the newspaper are numbered. Perhaps reading will not die out, but evolve to compensate for the changing environment. I however fear the day when I might open up a book which begins like; ‘Adam wnt 2 da br 2 acquir sum alcoholic bevrags 4 da dinr he had pland dat night in which his prnts, of whom he had not seen in a numbr of yrs wr cumng ovr 2 meet his galfrend Natalia 4 da 1st tim since dey had bgun datng back in Septembr of ’08.’

A friend of mine enjoyed the Baby Sitters Club, Goosebumps and the Harry Potter franchises and recently finished the Hunger Games. Would she have received as much satisfaction from these worlds of fiction if they had been written in short hand? In the future when they are reprinted, will they be written in the same style as produced above? I for one hope not.

This, as always, is but my opinion.

Naughty Nefarious, signing off.

Jun 14 2012

Am I Australian?

This piece contains the following: coarse language, sexual references and horror theme (involving hair). You have been warned….

BTW, to any Australian who might happen to read this, allow me to apologise beforehand. I think perhaps on several occasions I might take our society off and make Australians seem, I dunno, like a bunch of raving psychos perhaps. Well, I hope that is not the interpretation orchestrated within this piece, but if that is the way my words are interpreted, allow me to apologise. But in my defense, which is pretty shotty I’ll admit, is it not better for an Australian to attack (?) the Australian way of life than have an outsider who knows our culture as well as they know the planet Neptune analyse us? Well, here goes…

…Am I Australian? Of course I am, what a stupid question, but that is not my point. Yes, I was born in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, as were my parents and the seven generations of my family that came before them. So yes, ethnically I am indeed Australian, but my question evolves more along the lines of the cultural dynamics of such a country.

So, what makes an Australian, Australian, and do I have such qualities? Well, according to a Robin Cook novel, whose title eludes me, he explained how all Australians; wore shorts, idolised Ned Kelly, and their hero was the kind of guy who would dress all in khaki. I would assume this to be considerably inaccurate. One, I don’t wear shorts. Two, I idolise beautiful women, and only wish they’d do the same unto me. And three, my hero? Well, to be perfectly frank, in my mind I am the number one super hero! So, what would I put in this interpretations stead? Well, even though I have lived in this country for a cool 23 years, I would never go so far as to call myself someone who properly understands the cultural atmosphere of such an environment.

First off, I would explore beer. According to the stereotypical norm, Australians are notorious for drinking beer, and are supposedly the largest consumers of such a product. The quintessential larrikin Australian bloke is always seen with a beer in hand, a six pack beside the BBQ, and a giant beer gut that extends a few feet out from the rest of his body. Problems with this assertion? Well, for one, I loathe beer. I hate it to such an extent that those nerds who invent new words, would have to come up with a brand new word to describe how much I detest beer. Me? I’m a wine guy myself, or perhaps port. Nothing short of a stereotypical bottle of wine will ever pass these lips, and if the letter ‘b’ begins the product, or the liquor inside looks remotely like the evil product that, like the antagonist from the Harry Potter novels shall not be named, it is not drunk. So, no to beer. Also, no to barbies. No, not the dolls…BBQ’s. Such a piece of equipment is believed to be what all Australians use to cook their dinners. And their lunches. And even their breakfasts. The stove? Huh, not for the colloquial Australian my friend, no, it is the barbie all the way. Well, I do suppose I get bonus points from having a barbie. It is however covered in so much dust and grunge and filth from the fact it has not been used since the days the Tyrannosaurus Rex still walked the Earth. This however don’t exactly score me anything in the cultural department.

Third – the Australian accent. This is quite possibly the second most quintessential thing an Australian needs to earn such a title. Shouldn’t be too hard to gain, I mean, one should have one from the moment they are born in such an establishment. Me? Not really. Odd, since like I mentioned, my family have been living here since the first fleet arrived, and that is no joke. My father’s relatives all those years ago – one of them was arrested for stealing bread, true story, no lie. So, if my relatives have been around all this time, you would imagine that I would have an accent? No, apparently not. In fact, some people (half of whom I wouldn’t trust with a stapler) have said that my accent sounds somewhat similar to that of a Chinese or Middle Eastern accent. But what do they know? Might have something to do with the fact that my voice is just very, very DEEP! So, no points in this area of necessity. Damn, if I were in competition here, I would be falling short.

Food. More importantly, lamb. This is seen as the essential delicacy in this country. The Chinese have fish. The Americans have McDonalds. New Zealanders have fish and chips. Australians – we have lamb. Beautiful, little, white lambs, who frolic through the meadows laced with beautiful red and white rose petals. They munch upon the green, green grass. They bleat under the gorgeous yellow sun. And then they have their legs hacked off and thrown onto someone’s plate. Me? I hate lamb. I love lamb when they are alive and bleating. I don’t like them when they are lying on my plate, its mutilated, decrepit cadaver looking back at me, smoke wafting off from the flesh that was, up until a few hours before, covered in white, silky wool. I used to live on an acreage when I was very, very young, with a couple sheep on their too. Ramsey and Blacky their names were. Ramsey was the lady – all she liked to do was eat grass, and probably smoke it too when we weren’t looking. Blacky, the bloke, all he cared about was Ramsey, more importantly – her vagina. Luckily for us he had, rather unfortunately for him, his balls removed upon purchase, so, no baby lambs, otherwise after a couple years the ratio between sheep and human would have been 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 3.

I’m not a big fan of ham either, which is meant to come in second from the lamb. I personally enjoy beef, or chicken, and when I do purchase beef, I go for the heart smart stuff, which is supposed to have very little fat. You try telling those who hand it out at the shops though. Sometimes there’s more fat on a 250gram packet of meat than there is on a humpback whale. Moving on though…

…Swearing. Yes, swearing is considered something that Australian’s do quite frequently. Almost every person I know cannot go five seconds without using one of the three major profanities, which I will not list. Why? Well, I personally don’t think I use profanities very often. On occasion, yes, but I just don’t have the time for them. I would like to think that perahps…oh my fucking God! I just fucking spelt fucking ‘perhaps’ wrong! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh, maybe I do swear. Wow, that’s a lot of curse words. I have never seen anything so beautiful in all my life!

Music. Yes, I enjoy such an aspect of life, but it is the variations that are most notable. If I were to make an assumption based upon most of the people I have been unfortunate enough to meet, I would say that most of the people of my generation have an infatuation with rap music. Every time a car drives by, rap music is pumping out through the stereo. That, and according to the news, a hail of bullets. Every time your neighbor throws a grossly oversized and incredibly loud party – rap music is pumping through the subwoofer’s of the stereo. Every time a guy with an MP3,4 or iPod walks by, rap music is heard pumping through the speakers. My point? Wherever you go, rap music seems to play a crucial part in contemporary Australian society. The problem? I would rather burn in the fires of hell – the fires reserved for the most nefarious of individuals than listen to rap music. There is no such word that I can find to describe how much I detest rap music. Simply put? I fuckin’ hate it, which apparently puts me at odds with the rest of my generation that cannot seem to get enough of it, and I truly mean that. I really, truly, deeply, unconditionally, unrealistically, unbelievably, unfathomably, incalculably, intoxicatingly, immeasurably, with a passion loath rap music!

Whilst on the subject of ‘entertainment’, the next subject up for discussion is Australian films. A true Australian it would seem hates Australian products. I enjoy watching Australian films. When I was younger, I used to ignorantly believe like most people that I know today that Australians were unable to decently create a good film. Once I turned twelve however, I began to worm my way out of such a belief and came to the conclusion that although Australian film finance companies have less green on hand than what American and other film companies do, this does not necessarily mean they cannot create a good feature film. Funnily enough, back in the early twentieth century when the development of films had commenced, Australia was the largest contributor of films in the entire world. Then Hollywood found its druthers and cancelled the Australian cinematic chain forever. But here’s some additional things I know – I was the only person in my entire last year of high school to have seen all three Mad Max films – some people didn’t even know there was a franchise called ‘Mad Max’. I found this to be utterly atrocious. I’ve known Americans who have known of the franchise for crying out loud! Additionally in my performance writing class at university, I was the only person to have seen the likes of Undead, Daybreakers, the Tender Hook and Sleeping Beauty – the other thirty odd or so students hadn’t even heard of the titles, let alone seen the films. Quite disturbing if you ask me.

As for clothing? Shorts are seen as been the fashionable accessory of clothing according to advertisements and the like. Me? Well, if you follow the information from the previous paragraphs it is obvious that everything is downhill from there. The last time I wore shorts I was in primary school. Since then, I have worn jeans. Except for the occasions when I didn’t, but even during those occasions, my legs were not graced by the likes of shorts. No, this has nothing to do with the fact that there is more hair on my leg than flesh. In fact, I think there is more hair on my entire body combined than flesh. Yes, that’s right folks. I make gorillas seem bald, in fact the film, Gorillas in the Mist? It was filmed in my shower. Well, not exactly, but it might as well have been, which leads me to my next point. Hair. Many of my friends (the guys I mean) have no hair. I don’t know this fact from peering under toilet lavatories and perving on them whilst they did their business in the shower. No, they simply talk about it. And so do the women who have seen the men when their clothes were no longer on their person. Now, I don’t know if such a thing comes from the fact that they have grown up to look very much like the day they first came into this world, or if they simply shave it off. At high school I went through a phase, many of them actually, where I changed my hair style frequently. My facial hair remained the same in which I had chops on either side of my face for quite a while, and a goatee on my chin. This did not go down so well with the ladies. Apparently, the women of today in this particular hemisphere, on this particular continent want their men to be bald – at least on their bodies. Now, I ain’t taking a razor to any other part of my body that is not either attached to my face or the top of my head, which might explain why some women never give me a second look. Perhaps they can just sense the hair. Safe to say, if they were to run their fingers through it, they would probably never get them back. Now, I’d have no problem with a woman being permanently attached to my person – but they might. Considerably in fact. I found out, quite quickly, that if my mother had given birth to me in the early seventies, I would have lived through the eighties rather than been born at their conclusion. My point? The eighties was the time for hair. Women loved it, and the hair loved them. Boy have times changed.

Now, this next point I intend to make may seem kind of racial – well, it is, but I don’t mean in the sense that I intend to talk about ‘race’. I mean, some people may consider me to be ‘racist’ after saying such a thing, so allow me to make this point as delicately as I can. I believe I have mentioned in the past that I was the only person in my high school year with an Anglo Saxon last name? In my university classes I am often the only person on the class roll with an Anglo Saxon last name too. Perhaps in a couple classes here and there a couple other names join mine in such a genre. My point? And I do have one…is that perhaps the key to been Australian is to typically not be Australian at all! We live in a multi-cultural society, which the government frequently refers to as an amazing aspect of this continent, so technically, if you are not adding to the wide diversity of cultures within the society I would suppose that you simply are not a part of it period. The days of the Anglo Saxon I personally sometimes believe are numbered. I’m not saying we’re going to be murdered. I’m just saying that eventually we are perhaps going to be bred out. That is of course if parents of children who are not Anglo allow their children to actually have a relationship with an Anglo, which from my experience is as likely as wings sprouting out from my back due to the overall strictness of their cultures. In fact, I’d probably go so far as to say that in a few years time, the Australian Anglo Saxon may very well join the humpback whale, polar bear and white tiger on the world’s endangered species list. Now, I’m not sure if this next point is pertinent to the present subject or not, but I do believe it highlights the point that Australia is filled with cultures that are not quintessentially Australian. Year 10, high school geography class. We are given a task; look at an atlas and discover the countries listed on the piece of paper. First person to do this successfully will be able to leave five minutes early as reward – quite the reward if you ask me since geography to me was as gratifying as running a cheese garter over my testicles. Suddenly, a student calls out ‘Sir! What is that oddly shaped country in the centre?’ The oddly shaped country he was pointing at – the one that was supposedly in the centre – what was it exactly? Australia.

So, basically that is all the essential features apparently which are necessary to build a true Aussie. Well, I get points for having a barbie. And maybe for the swearing. But apart from that, it would seem that I am about as Australian as an American French Fry. Is that wrong?